I finally presented new bf to my mom-- and he let her pay for our lunch!!

[katiegrl]

I don't think her bf needs to redeem himself at all never mind sending someones mom he barely knows flowers :-/

 

If her mom really expects new boyfriends to pay for her and her daughter thats her problem not his he said "next time" thats plenty enough.

 

Oh good god, it's not *someone he barely knows* it's his girlfriend's mom.....I think it's the gracious thing to do....and since the OP said she is now uncomfortable bringing him around because of this incident....him sending the mom flowers might help to alleviate that discomfort....

 

It's a nice gesture....

[Omei]

Oh good god, it's not *someone he barely knows* it's his girlfriend's mom.....I think it's the gracious thing to do....and since the OP said she is now uncomfortable bringing him around because of this incident....him sending the mom flowers might help to alleviate that discomfort....

 

It's a nice gesture....

 

He has met her mom once, and dated the girl for a few months he barely knows either of them.

 

You don't know someone automatically by default because your dating their offspring.

 

He has nothing to be sorry for its not his fault her mother has a warped way of thinking that she should get dating privileges along with her daughter on top of that he should make efforts in spending money to please her with floral gifts because shes upset she wasn't treated?

 

Your suggesting this guy kiss her ass gimme a break

 

He treats out his gf fairly often and told her mother he would get it next time.

 

I don't see why he needs to be apologetic at all.

Edited July 1, 2015 by Omei

[Redhead14]

He has met her mom once, and dated the girl for a few months he barely knows either of them.

 

You don't know someone automatically by default because your dating their offspring.

 

He has nothing to be sorry for its not his fault her mother has a warped way of thinking that she should get dating privileges along with her daughter on top of that should make efforts in spending money to please her with floral gifts because shes upset she wasn't treated?

 

Gimme a break.

 

I agree a little bit about the mom, however, if he really wants to try to have a relationship with this woman, it would be wise to make nice.

 

But, let's throw this whole discussion out.

 

This is the real reason for not introducing new dating partners to family so soon.

[katiegrl]

He has met her mom once, and dated the girl for a few months he barely knows either of them.

 

You don't know someone automatically by default because your dating their offspring.

 

He has nothing to be sorry for its not his fault her mother has a warped way of thinking that she should get dating privileges along with her daughter on top of that he should make efforts in spending money to please her with floral gifts because shes upset she wasn't treated?

 

Your suggesting this guy kiss her ass gimme a break

 

He treats out his gf fairly often and told her mother he would get it next time.

 

I don't see why he needs to be apologetic at all.

 

Wow....guess we will just have to agree to disagree on that one!

 

And he is not sending them to apologize... he is sending them as a way to thank her for lunch!

[S_A]

If her mom's approval is based solely on him.paying

 

It's not. And I am telling you he is a screw up.

[katiegrl]

 

And he is not sending them to apologize... he is sending them as a way to thank her for lunch!

 

The flowers suggestion was actually my very thoughtful boyfriend's idea...just now.

 

He reminded me that when he met my mom, she invited us over to her house and cooked us all a wonderful meal, after which my boyfriend thanked her by sending her a lovely bouquet of flowers.

 

She LOVED it...she thought it was just so kind and thoughtful (and perfectly appropriate)...and has been in love with my boyfriend ever since, well until she passed away...

 

I dunno, maybe I was raised differently, but I was raised to believe that when someone, anyone really, goes out of his/her way to do something nice or kind for you (in this case the OP's mom treated him to lunch)...you thank them!

 

Whether it be with words...or with a thoughtful gift, like flowers, does not matter really, as long as the gesture is genuine.

 

Just me....

[Omei]

The flowers suggestion was actually my very thoughtful boyfriend's idea...just now.

 

He reminded me that when he met my mom, she invited us over to her house and cooked us all a wonderful meal, after which my boyfriend thanked her by sending her a lovely bouquet of flowers.

 

She LOVED it...she thought it was just so kind and thoughtful (and perfectly appropriate)...and has been in love with my boyfriend ever since, well until she passed away...

 

I dunno, maybe I was raised differently, but I was raised to believe that when someone, anyone really, goes out of his/her way to do something nice or kind for you (in this case the OP's mom treated him to lunch)...you thank them!

 

Whether it be with words...or with a thoughtful gift, like flowers, does not matter really, as long as the gesture is genuine.

 

Just me....

 

We will just have to disagree, I dislike when people do the "maybe I was raised differently" argument of course majority of people thank and repay generosity but thats not really what happened was it?

 

And yes I might be more agreeable had she bought his lunch without complaint out of kindness but from OP's story sounds like shes upset she had to pay didnt offer and is seeking amends for having to do so after he was invited. Had she treated him and had no issue this post topic wouldnt be here right now and then id agree to your flowers.

 

A dude sending a new gfs mom's flowers just seems over the top to me, almost butt kissing, even more so if its not his own idea. It was your man's idea so its in his character and him being genuine. But the guy were talking about likely feels like he doesnt have to be apologetic and why should he?

 

A thank you and keeping to his word to pay for next time imo shows appreciation enough upon meeting a new gfs parents. And you said it yourself words are enough, he has done that according to the OP why he needs to start buying gifts also is beyond me.

 

I agree with whoever said likely this is how this lady is and has chosen not to accept him so shes making it into a dramatical situation I dont think he should award that. Had he known he was to be expected to pay for her family also he prob wouldnt of gone.

 

So we will just have to disagree.

 

People should overall never expect anyone to pay for them for anything no matter what relation this topic comes up again and again with outing payments, no one should ever go anywhere unless you can cover yourself and when its covered be surprised and not expected.

Edited July 1, 2015 by Omei

[Keenly]

It's not. And I am telling you he is a screw up.

 

How can you claim.it isn't, when it is? Are people always in such denial about the obvious when it sounds bad?

 

It's the truth. They met, had lunch or whatever, and the ONLY thing the mom saw was that he didn't pay.

How do you know he is a screw up? You've never met this dude and don't know anything about him, and you say that because he didn't pay, he isn't dating material?

 

This family only cares about money. It's " so sexy when a man pays for everything ". Where did she learn that? Her mom.

[galgal818]

*****Moderators Note*****

 

While typing your responses on this thread make sure that you type a response that is civil and respectful, if it isn't then expect a posting vacation, I'm already tired of deleting and editing the derogatory, disrespecful and sometimes hateful posts that have appeared in this thread to date.

 

If you can't figure out how to post helpful and not hurtful advice then please move on to something else in life.

 

Thanks

 

Thank you. <3

[galgal818]

The first time I met my GFs parents, I paid for the dinner. Turned out they were really angered by this as they felt that me paying showed I didn't respect them. There are no rules, only cultural norms and what people learn from their experiences. Luckily she explained to them I was just trying to be nice, and I'd know better next time and give them the chance to pay.

 

Yes, it's always a gamble when meeting new people because you don't know what offends them or what pleases them. Each person is its own world with its own set of truths and beliefs. We just do what we deem best the time. That's the part my mom doesn't understand about human nature. On the other hand, I would have so much more preferred for my bf to take the initiative.

[galgal818]

I read your whole story, and I read most of the responses. Did not think I would find myself disagreeing with almost an entire thread of responses.

 

The BF should have paid. He has no onligation to pay, of course, but it still looks really bad. He screwed up big time IMO. He embarrassed you and ruined your mom's first impression of him.

 

He said he thought he was inviting? He was feeding you crap. He just did not want to pay (and yes, I am aware he pays all the time when the two of you are out together). If he really wanted to pay he would have taken initiative. His mistake was not innocent, it was calculated. You'd be surprised how smooth a guy can be about going cheap.

 

Not exactly a savory sight btw; a grown man with his GF and GF's mom waiting for the mom to pull out her wallet to pay for the lunch while he is standing next to her. Frankly, even if your mom makes more moneythan him, he should have paid.

 

I also have no problem with your mom pulling out your wallet expecting him to stop her. He failed the gentlemen test in her eyes and she won't be laughing at this down the road.

 

With all that said, I genuinely feel your embarrassment on this (I know it's embarrassing on multiple levels) and am sorry you had to go through it.

 

Thank you for sympathizing and not making me feel like a freak for feeling the way I felt. I'm really trying to understand the root of my feelings here.

[galgal818]

Some people are brought up differently. I've travelled to nearly every continent and let me tell you, MANY men are raised to pay for the woman. Even the biggest player I dated who was Irish and not commitment orientated paid for ALL our dates. Heck, if he walked out of the 7/11 and I decided I wanted some mints he'd run straight back in and buy them for me!

 

A lot of men I've spoken to also voiced that they found it pathetic when men take a woman out and don't offer to pay ; although most men WANT a woman who offers to foot the bill on the occasion, MANY men are just brought up to be the one to pay for dates!

 

My parents thought less of my ex for coming out to lunch and not even offering to pay.

 

My male friends thought it was a joke too- they ALL pay for their girlfriends parents unless the parents INSIST that it's their treat!!

 

Moreover, most women can find a guy who will treat them. I don't put up with men who go halves or ask me to pay. I can just get a guy who WANTS to treat me and my mum lol. Options count. If you have the option of dating a person who treats you to meals out, why would you settle for a tight ass 50/50 let's go Dutch guy?

 

I actually insist on paying every third date. But I personally think it looks bad when a guy doesn't pay or at least OFFER.

 

Women need to shave their legs and do thing start portray them in a positive light.

Men paying is ingrained as " men being providers " and most women will always be a little taken aback and dissapointed when the man doesn't offer to pay.

 

He's a man. He should have treated his gf and bus gfs mum. He looked pathetic by not doing so. I he couldn't afford it he shouldn't have agree to a lunch with her and her mother until he had saved the cash.

 

I'd be sooooooo embarrassed if I were the OP!

 

OMG, yes, thank you!!! Everything you said is spot on.

[beach]

Thank you for sympathizing and not making me feel like a freak for feeling the way I felt. I'm really trying to understand the root of my feelings here.

 

What do you think the root of your feelings are?

 

Have you asked your BF how he feels about what happened and what he could have done for a different outcome? What does he say about how you feel?

[galgal818]

1) Your boyfriend seems very inexperienced with dating/relationships...hell, he seems clueless with basic SOCIAL ETIQUETTE in general. He strikes me as the kind of guy that would never buy his buddy a drink, or would forget to give his mom/dad a gift (or at least call them) on their birthday, or the type of guy who never leaves a tip for the waiter, or the guy who does or says something ill-advised during a business meeting with his boss and some prospective clients. I could be wrong, but nevertheless that's the impression I get of him. Combine that with the fact that he's 30-31...not a good sign for him. Especially taking into account that a 30 year old may be (at least to some extent) set in his ways. This goes beyond not being a gentleman...this delves directly into selfishness and immaturity. To put it bluntly...barring extreme cultural oddities, a 30 year old that has had ANY semblance of a "normal" life should know better. It is that simple. Doesn't matter if he's an old-school gentleman, a new-school dude, or whatever.

 

2) He is not obligated to pay, but anyone who drives down that road of thought is missing the point. It's also not about whether he's "supposed to / not supposed to" pay...that has no relevance whatsoever in this discussion. Your boyfriend is free to do almost whatever he wants, and you're free to take umbrage with him if he does something you disapprove of. It's also not about trying to "impress" you, either...any guy who goes into "performance mode" with grandiose gestures trying to impress a woman is (a) trying too hard and (b) being a poser. It's simply about genuine graciousness, and making a good impression of himself. If he truly cared about you, then that would naturally extend to him wanting to make a good impression in front of your friends and family. He would take initiative and pay (or at least OFFER to pay)...without a second thought. And he wouldn't make a big deal out of it, either...he would just DO it, with a genuine personable and happy demeanor. This isn't rocket science...any decent human being would do this, including a good guy with a below-average. Most good people want to do nice things and gestures for those that they like, without expecting anything in return.

 

3) While I wonder how much he cares about you, I do think he deserves a second chance. BUT, the fact that this is bothering you so much doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship with this guy. Dwelling on such things emotionally has a tendency to cast a dark cloud over things, and it may not dissipate easily. (That said, I do think you're making a bit too big a deal out of this. He erred in his decision, but I don't think it's a critical mistake.)

 

 

Thank you for your reply. It's actually not bothering me a lot, I just wanted to know what others think about this. It embarrassed me more because it was in front of my mother, after I had spoken wonders about him and his gentlemanly ways. He actually does treat me all the time. He lives with his mother and pays many of the house bills, I think even her phone. He seems to be maybe even too attached to the family, probably not the type to want to move out one day and start his life... well, that's another issue for another day. LOL. For now, I really enjoy spending time with him, and I don't put this faux pas against him at all. It's really my mom who made a bigger deal to the point of not wanting to see him again, and I thought it was a bit exaggerated... but since I felt so embarrassed about it myself, I thought I'd talk about it here and see what others think.

[galgal818]

According to the OP, it was her boyfriend that was pushing to meet her parents, not the other way around. Mom agreed to meet them for lunch during her LUNCH HOUR from work. That means mom didn't have all afternoon to sit there waiting for OP or her boyfriend to pick up the bill and had to pick it up herself if she wanted to get back to work on time. It doesn't mean she wanted to or she should have.

 

I think it was in highly poor taste that a 30+ year old man sat there on his hands like a teenage kid and let this woman pay the bill for all of them. Since he couldn't man up, it would have been good if the OP had paid the bill. It's downright embarrassing that the mother had to pay for two grown adults when it wasn't even her idea to meet them for lunch in the first place. Tacky as hell.

 

All this nonsense about whether the OP cooks and vacuums and everything else had nothing to do with that.

 

Yes, it was him who kept pushing to meet her. I felt pressured into it because I have already met and spent time with his whole immediate family, and they are all so pleasant and welcoming and seem to like me. My mom, on the other hand, is not as welcoming, so the faux pas was magnified by that. My mother would've been just as upset if I had paid, maybe worse. She would've reprimanded me for spending my money on a man I just started dating. Sigh. Moms.

[galgal818]

I am confused. You say you are 30 but your stepdad is 'super strict' and 'doesn't let you bring your bf home'? How does that even happen? Are you and your bf really the age you say you are?

 

That being said, I think it would have been nice for him to offer to pay but it's not a big deal.

 

Yes, I'm 31 and I live on my own. I'm referring to take people to meet my parents at their place. He simply won't allow it.

[galgal818]

More than likely, it was because of the embarrassment she will feel when she has to listen to your step dad when she gets home and he asks her how it went... and he's going to tell her "I told you so"-that his course of action should have been the course she took--wait until they're asking for your hand before meeting them.

 

Although it's now hindsight, he may be the kind of person you need to get straight on who's paying before you two step out of the house together.

 

LOL, yes, that's partly it. That's why we kept it a secret from my stepdad. She'd never hear the end of it.

[thecharade]

If you like and respect someone enough to introduce them to parents, this awkward error is nothing.

 

It happened to me, but with another couple (very important to me, like family, married). Same scenario. I was embarrassed, told my bf, he felt horrible. He just wasn't sure which was more polite, paying or accepting the other couple paying. I understood. Problem solved. (After that, we made sure to discuss our plan before we went out with others.)

 

It was a small, awkward error. The difference is that the other couple did not offensively and inappropriately judge my then bf. They were very understanding, even when I said, "But we invited you!" Why a mother would EVER openly criticize someone her daughter clearly likes and has feelings for, someone who wanted to meet her, I cannot fathom. I am a mom. I would never do that, unless I had a major, serious, worrisome concern. If my kids like someone, I like him or her, too. No wonder "bringing someone around" your family is such a huge proposition. Sheesh. Why would your mother say such hurtful things about someone you are dating? She needs to show you some trust and respect. I think you are upset with the wrong person.

 

You made him seem like a great guy. Then wasn't this just an awkward miscalculation? Keep the great guy. Let this go after a bit of discussing. Good luck.

[galgal818]

 

Although it's now hindsight, he may be the kind of person you need to get straight on who's paying before you two step out of the house together.

 

YES. On our first date, he let me pay for my first drink. I took out my wallet thinking he'd stop me. When he didn't, I didn't care because I figured we'd keep it as only a friendly date. HE then told me, "I was going to pay for you." I thought, then why didn't you stop me. But whatever. He paid for other stuff later that evening and quickly redeemed himself. All dates after that he paid, I never played the wallet trick again. LOL

[galgal818]

She's been dating him for a couple of months. She has a clue about whether he's going to be a good provider and, if he's been paying for all of or most dates with her, he's demonstrated enough. This was awkward, that's all.

 

The chemistry's been off the charts, though, and he's already told his family he knows I'm the woman he wants to marry one day. So yeah, there's more pressure in my observations of him.

[galgal818]

Manners, he didn't show manners! And so what if he paid for dates.....he didn't pay this time when it was crucial. I would be ashamed if my husband did that......25 years later my husband always steps up and pays when we go out with my mom. AND he does the same thing with his parents.He still wants to show he is a good provider.....he being a man.

 

You are a lucky woman!!! <3

[galgal818]

I'm kinda wondering if the OP has some other "misgivings" about him that's causing her to focus on little negatives now instead of looking at the bigger picture and weighing whether there are more positives than negatives at this point.

 

If there are other negatives and they seem to be piling up, then I can understand her starting to be "picky".

 

However, if her mom is harping on this, she's stepping back a little because of that. If she's going to be influenced by her mom often, there's gonna be trouble.

 

I almost never listen to my mom. I married my ex husband for "loooooove" and ended up with a boy who always had his mom help him with bills, and always pay when we were out. I didn't care about any of that, I loved him. But when his mom started becoming overbearing because she had financial hold of him, our marriage slowly disintegrated and I ended up leaving. I then realized my mom was right about being more realistic when choosing a mate. So while I still make my own choices, I do take into consideration if my mom sees something that love has me to blind to take note of on my own. In the end the choice is mine, of course, but I don't want to end up with another loser like that. So yes, I'm picky the second time around.

[thecharade]

You are a lucky woman!!! <3

 

That is what makes a woman lucky, a guy who pays for everything? Oh, boy.

[Redhead14]

The chemistry's been off the charts, though, and he's already told his family he knows I'm the woman he wants to marry one day. So yeah, there's more pressure in my observations of him.

 

That's all well and good, but you need to keep managing your emotions and expectations for quite some time. Men who go off the charts like this and riding the high usually drop back down closer to the ground at some point and step back a little to reassess things when they realize they may be in over their heads.

 

Just be patient, observe him carefully for a while. Don't overthink and don't dwell on every little thing either. And, you may find yourself coming back down to earth a little at some point yourself. Focus on what he's bringing to the table and whether it's meeting your needs.

[Redhead14]

I almost never listen to my mom. I married my ex husband for "loooooove" and ended up with a boy who always had his mom help him with bills, and always pay when we were out. I didn't care about any of that, I loved him. But when his mom started becoming overbearing because she had financial hold of him, our marriage slowly disintegrated and I ended up leaving. I then realized my mom was right about being more realistic when choosing a mate. So while I still make my own choices, I do take into consideration if my mom sees something that love has me to blind to take note of on my own. In the end the choice is mine, of course, but I don't want to end up with another loser like that. So yes, I'm picky the second time around.

 

It's ok to be wary and observe. But remember to look at the bigger picture when little things like this happen. Everything else has been "cool" up to this point? Great. If he hasn't been paying for things in the past for you, then this isn't just a blip. When the negatives start outweighing the positives is when you start to rethink things.

Edited July 1, 2015 by Redhead14