xxoo Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 That hurts, too. Because it means he wasn't just afraid of commitment. It means his conversation with me was a lie, and if I'd looked like a supermodel, he would have been ready that day. I understand it hurts. Rejection hurts. But please consider the source. This guy has his own issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I agree with you, an true apology is all about putting yourself at the mercy of the person you are apologising to. Showing that you regret hurting/distressing/upsetting/disappointing/angering them and asking for their forgiveness. It is not about berating them for anything they may have done and giving excuses for YOUR behaviour. **It is about accepting responsibility for your part in making them feel bad.** He DID accept responsibility for his part in making her feel bad.... What text did you read? In the text I read, he took full responsibility and apologized! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyJ1991 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Back to the apology. I feel like the first 2 paragraphs were very backhanded. I understand it was wrong of me to look at his phone. I swore to myself a long time ago I would never do that. And in the last 3 months, I have had dozens of opportunities. I never took them. Friday when I did it, and it literally was right there..I know it's wrong. This relationship had the check engine light on for awhile. I could feel something was "off" and never really figure it out. And just like with the commitment conversation--when I asked him why, he didn't tell me why. The only way I was probably ever going to find out how he really felt..Is finding out how I DID. Which I never should have done. But an apology is not pointing the finger at someone else. It's accepting the blame for yourself. I want to reply to his text, but I really haven't figured out what to say. Also, the "I was in love with the girl I had sex with 4 times in 4 days before she left and never talked to me again" comment really hurt me. If he was so smitten with this girl, why was he also setting up our next date on the same days he was sleeping with her? They had sex and hung out Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tuesday. He was texting me and planning our date Friday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. If he was head over heels..Why even bother making dates with a shmuck like me? I also feel like his "I wanted to be next to you" in the text is just odd. Almost like he didn't draft this text himself, and his sister helped him write it. He didn't really want to be next to me--he's BEEN ACTIVE ON TINDER the entire time. He was "looking for his upgrade". I sincerely believe now that if betty bigboobs bodybuilder had come along, I would have been out the window. It wasn't that he was choosing me--he just hadn't found better options (YET). I'm hurt and confused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Back to the apology. I feel like the first 2 paragraphs were very backhanded. I understand it was wrong of me to look at his phone. I swore to myself a long time ago I would never do that. And in the last 3 months, I have had dozens of opportunities. I never took them. Friday when I did it, and it literally was right there..I know it's wrong. This relationship had the check engine light on for awhile. I could feel something was "off" and never really figure it out. And just like with the commitment conversation--when I asked him why, he didn't tell me why. The only way I was probably ever going to find out how he really felt..Is finding out how I DID. Which I never should have done. ***But an apology is not pointing the finger at someone else. It's accepting the blame for yourself. **** I want to reply to his text, but I really haven't figured out what to say. Also, the "I was in love with the girl I had sex with 4 times in 4 days before she left and never talked to me again" comment really hurt me. If he was so smitten with this girl, why was he also setting up our next date on the same days he was sleeping with her? They had sex and hung out Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tuesday. He was texting me and planning our date Friday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. If he was head over heels..Why even bother making dates with a shmuck like me? I also feel like his "I wanted to be next to you" in the text is just odd. Almost like he didn't draft this text himself, and his sister helped him write it. He didn't really want to be next to me--he's BEEN ACTIVE ON TINDER the entire time. He was "looking for his upgrade". I sincerely believe now that if betty bigboobs bodybuilder had come along, I would have been out the window. It wasn't that he was choosing me--he just hadn't found better options (YET). I'm hurt and confused. Quote in asterisk above.......okay then, I stand corrected. What matters is how his *apology* made YOU feel...not how I or anyone else interpreted it. I am so sorry you feel hurt and confused.... as another poster mentioned, try and consider the source. The guy's got serious issues....which were there WAY before he met you Hope you feel better soon.... ((hugs)). Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyJ1991 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Another note about appearance: One of the reasons his comments about me needing to step my appearance up doesn't make sense, is he isn't exactly a "put together" guy. If I'm being mean...He is good looking. And he does work out. But he wears the same ill-fitting, clothes over and over all the time. He doesn't shave on a daily basis. He "has been needing a haircut for awhile but hasn't got around to it". He hasn't been tanning. Which is WHY I FIND that comment ironic. And you can tell that when I come over or we go out..He never ever has tried to dress up/clean up to look nice for me. I did date a guy like that--when we went out, especially in the beginning, you could tell he wanted to look nice, for me. I wouldn't judge or slam someone on these things. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 OK, if the text doesn't sound like he wrote it then he probably didn't. He seems to rely on his sister, so it is a good guess she crafted it. She is after all his "co conspirator". I sincerely believe now that if betty bigboobs bodybuilder had come along, I would have been out the window. It wasn't that he was choosing me--he just hadn't found better options (YET). If he is still on Tinder, after 3 months of dating, I guess you could be right. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 We NEVER, EVER had a conversation about me needing to step it up. The only conversation we had about commitment/exclusivity was him telling me he's "not ready yet" and "not in a place to have a relationship right now". He never ever told me it was because what he told his sister--that I need to "step it up". That hurts, too. Because it means he wasn't just afraid of commitment. It means his conversation with me was a lie, and if I'd looked like a supermodel, he would have been ready that day. OK, now it explains things for me. I really got bog down on that part. I was thinking if you had such conversation than why feel so offended at what he told his sister. So these texts to his sister was not about blowing off some steam about your relationship but it was also a bunch of lies, but for what? Why would he distort the truth and flat out fabricate lies about you? If he can do that I wonder what is the value of his apology. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Another note about appearance: One of the reasons his comments about me needing to step my appearance up doesn't make sense, is he isn't exactly a "put together" guy. If I'm being mean...He is good looking. And he does work out. But he wears the same ill-fitting, clothes over and over all the time. He doesn't shave on a daily basis. He "has been needing a haircut for awhile but hasn't got around to it". He hasn't been tanning. Which is WHY I FIND that comment ironic. And you can tell that when I come over or we go out..He never ever has tried to dress up/clean up to look nice for me. I did date a guy like that--when we went out, especially in the beginning, you could tell he wanted to look nice, for me. I wouldn't judge or slam someone on these things. Janey...you, your beauty, your accomplishments, your integrity, etc. probably intimidated the hell out of him....poor guy.. LOL Maybe you should feel flattered! :bunny: Feel sorry for him....he's a loser. Only insecure losers stoop to trashing their SO's behind their backs like he did.... to build themselves up. You're the winner here....next. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I also feel like his "I wanted to be next to you" in the text is just odd. Almost like he didn't draft this text himself, and his sister helped him write it. He didn't really want to be next to me-- . It's possible he had help from his sister to write the apology but remember he fed her a bunch of lies so god know what he told her about what just happened. She probably doesn't know the whole story, his activity on tinder, the other woman, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 OK, now it explains things for me. I really got bog down on that part. I was thinking if you had such conversation than why feel so offended at what he told his sister. So these texts to his sister was not about blowing off some steam about your relationship but it was also a bunch of lies, but for what? **Why would he distort the truth and flat out fabricate lies about you?*** If he can do that I wonder what is the value of his apology. As a way to build **himself** up...because, despite the bodybuilding, deep down he feels like a loser, an insecure loser. And he would be right! That's why he became a bodybuilder too. His big muscles are a way to compensate for how "small" he feels inside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 It's possible he had help from his sister to write the apology but remember he fed her a bunch of lies so god know what he told her about what just happened. She probably doesn't know the whole story, his activity on tinder, the other woman, etc. Bingo! Called in a previous post. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Janey...you, your beauty, your accomplishments, your integrity, etc. probably intimidated the hell out of him....poor guy.. LOL Maybe you should feel flattered! :bunny: Feel sorry for him....he's a loser. Only insecure losers stoop to trashing their SO's behind their backs like he did.... to build themselves up. You're the winner here....next. To add....this is probably why he avoided sex with you too. He was so intimidated...he knew he probably wouldn't be able to get it up! Starting to feel better now? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Frankly, I don't see a big difference between his texts to his sister and OP's posts about him here (all her other threads). Seems to me they were not a good fit and now they are each free to pursue others with whom they are more compatible. Why is it any bigger than that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyJ1991 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) It's possible he had help from his sister to write the apology but remember he fed her a bunch of lies so god know what he told her about what just happened. She probably doesn't know the whole story, his activity on tinder, the other woman, etc. This is the sister who actually introduced him to the hookup chick. She was his sister's friend (but they're not friends anymore). I doubt he told his sister he was "in love" with the girl though. He has 3 sisters, actually. He's the only boy and the youngest. His other two sisters are AWESOME--I've met all of his family, multiple times. Cookouts, festivals, double dates, nights out, etc. I was even invited to the father's day bbq last week. His parents are wonderful people, too. I've never met a family that tries so hard to include me, and make me feel a part of something. It was wonderful:( The only sister who's mean...Is this sister who "bodybuilds" and I read the texts. Also, there were insults in there about HER calling the guy she's dating FAT too. How "chubby he is now. And how his fat rolls lay out like a rug when he lays down". I've met the guy--he's a great guy. He's also not fat. On Friday night when I dropped him off, I told him if his family ever asked why I stopped seeing him, he could just tell them I got fat. Edited June 28, 2015 by JaneyJ1991 1 Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 As a way to build **himself** up...because, despite the bodybuilding, deep down he feels like a loser, an insecure loser. And he would be right! That's why he became a bodybuilder too. His big muscles are a way to compensate for how "small" he feels inside. I think I got the retardation from reading this post. WTF? OP's insecurities were attacked by some guy that i'm 99.9% sure wasn't worth the 10 pages on this forum dedicated to him. So the obvious solution was to take 3rd hand texts & in turn dream up insecurities for this man. Then attack them. again. WTF? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I think I got the retardation from reading this post. WTF? OP's insecurities were attacked by some guy that i'm 99.9% sure wasn't worth the 10 pages on this forum dedicated to him. So the obvious solution was to take 3rd hand texts & in turn dream up insecurities for this man. Then attack them. again. WTF? LOL....ever heard of tongue-n-cheek? Just trying to make Janey feel better tis all.....was not meant to be taken "literally*. That was WTF it was. Lighten up why don't ya. Jeez. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 OK shows over...the OP finally dumped him. She can move on now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Hey guys! Sorry--I just got back from running a 10k (my first ever!) and a bunch of errands and grocery shopping. I'm sorry I left the thread for so long. Wasn't intentional. Gaeta: His comment about me needing to "step it up" and the "well she seems to be trying these days. She's tanning, started wearing makeup" were sequential. They were connected, from what I read as I shook and my head spun. My "stepping it up" apparently meant in terms of physical appearance? Which doesn't make much sense, because he's told me likes the "natural look" when girls don't wear makeup. They all think that's what they like, but yet their ideal woman is invariably a Victoria's Secret model who just spent hours in the makeup and hair chair. You can't listen to them. They know nothing about makeup. I honestly think it mostly means they don't like blue eye shadow or caked on foundation that rubs off on them and they're divided between bare lips and lipstick. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 His apology doesn't erase the fact that all his emphasis on how he judges you is just shallow about how you look. That alone tells you what his number one priority is. It also doesn't take away that he has a mean streak. Believe me, that streak will come out at you once you're with him long enough and then you'll with he didn't say those things to your face. He's shallow. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 OP you spied on him you're just as bad. Guys talk about the girls they're seeing just as much as the girls talk about guys, it's not like he called you fat to your face. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Hopefully you can move on soon past his insults. Keep in mind that you dumped him. I wouldn't even consider his comments as a 'rejection' by him. Clearly, he was happy to keep playing the role and using weasel words and BS to keep things going with you. Dumping those kinds of guys is so empowering. Their worst fear is to be alone. I have no doubt that if he actually did find a supermodel to date, he would find something to criticize. That's how those kinds of people are. Some are looking for ways they are compatible. Others are always pointing out 'flaws'. Avoid those people. It takes a lot of effort to keep his kind of charade going. Your only concern going forward is learning how to spot those types even earlier. As it is, I think you uncovered things quite early. 2to3 months is about when these things come out. Everyone wants to believe they are loved, love able, and beautiful by someone... Which is why antics like your ex really are so heinous and do a lot to pollute the dating waters for well meaning men and women who are trying to date in good faith. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Guys talk about the girls they're seeing just as much as the girls talk about guys, it's not like he called you fat to your face. So talking bad about people is okay as long as it isn't to their face ? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 So talking bad about people is okay as long as it isn't to their face ? Stop the presses...A_C and I actually agree on something! +100 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 it's not like he called you fat to your face. From bad to worse: Rejecting someone for being fat, and telling your sister that they were fat (not so bad, really). Rejecting someone, and calling them fat to their face. (kind of mean) Not rejecting someone, but calling them fat and trying to change them. (narcissistic and controlling) Not rejecting someone, telling them they look hot and beautiful, and then telling the sister that they look fat (wtf moment) 5 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 OP you spied on him you're just as bad. Guys talk about the girls they're seeing just as much as the girls talk about guys, it's not like he called you fat to your face. I'd have more respect for him if he DID say it to her face. People that talk crap behind others backs are dishonest. Own up to your thoughts and either speak directly to the person, or keep your mouth shut. I don't tell my friends anything about my girlfriend or relationship that I wouldn't also say to her face. She is the same. I also wouldn't tolerate a friend or any of my siblings saying bad sh/t about others to me. It's not right. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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