He called me FAT and I ended things

[William]

Folks, let's keep this focused on the relationship, how it ended and the fallout of that dynamic. We have a health forum and sex forum to discuss and debate the nuances of sexually transmitted diseases and other health issues. Thanks!

[Gaeta]

Understood

[Zapbasket]

Hi OP, Good on you for handling things the way you have. You were right to end things. And, I wouldn't kick yourself for snooping on his phone. You weren't really snooping, anyway; you just wanted to watch the videos you two had taken together. It's good that he apologized, aided by his sister or not (give him the benefit of the doubt that he constructed that email himself). But unless he moves mountains to get you back, I would just let it lie. You don't even need to respond; you don't need to let him know that you forgive him.

 

Oh, and PS? You sound super-fit and attractive; don't let anything make you feel otherwise. I had an ex who kept commenting that he "preferred skinny women," and hinting that I fell short in that requirement (I'm 5'7", 124lbs, muscular, and well-proportioned though I do have a bubble butt). And it just BLEW MY MIND, because he, while attractive and with a nice body, was 5'6"!!! I never said anything to him about it, but I know it bothered him that he was short, and I suspect he had to construct some major "flaw" that I had in order to level the perceived playing field. I mostly ignored him, but knowing that my partner did not find me beautiful just as I was (I also was 18 years younger than he was), really wore on me over time, and after we broke up, I quickly realized that his constant comments really did a number on my self-esteem.

 

I'm sorry this happened. But, better to find this out now, than months, and greater investment, in.

[SaveYourHeart]

Nope nope nope nope. This sounds exactly like the kind of crap my ex used to say to me. I've had body image issues my entire life, when I was with him I completely stopped eating. I can't remember a full meal for almost a year. I was 5'5" at 102 lbs, and I still thought I was fat. Keep your head up, stay fabulous and find someone who will appreciate you no matter what you look like. You did the right thing. <3

[Eighty_nine]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, Janey. Try not stave off the self-doubt and loathing. You're tall and slim, articulate with a good head on your shoulders obviously. You'll meet someone who appreciates you.

 

The total obsession with attractiveness and, in particular, weight, is baffling to me. I'm reasonably attractive and like to date reasonably attractive guys. I think that's understandable all around. But giving a sh*t about an extra 10 or 20 pounds? Worrying about height or a tan or slightly receding hairline etc etc? How do people with these requirements exist happily in the world? newsflash. looks don't matter! at least, their significance is ohsotiny relative to EVERYTHING ELSE.

 

alas, many of us, and the people we date, are American. from infancy we are barraged with messages that skinny=lovable and all else equals not good enough. It's so sad and such a waste of effort to worry about it, but our culture pretty much demands that we do, both for ourselves and our partners. (and for some people, family and friends too)

[kismetkismet]

I haven't read everyone's comments but can't even believe that people are defending him... What a shallow ****. You are better off without him. I tend to find that guys that are really into lifting specifically, are extremely shallow and insecure. I like athletic guys cause I'm quite active as well.. but because lifting is specifically about how it changes the look of your body, rather than being more about skill and fitness, it tends to attract a certain very douchey type. Of course this is a generalization and not always true, but something I've seen a lot of...

 

You shouldn't have gone through his message, but anyone that talks about someone in such a hateful manner is shallow and insecure..

[Phoe]

I haven't read everyone's comments but can't even believe that people are defending him... What a shallow ****. You are better off without him. I tend to find that guys that are really into lifting specifically, are extremely shallow and insecure. I like athletic guys cause I'm quite active as well.. but because lifting is specifically about how it changes the look of your body, rather than being more about skill and fitness, it tends to attract a certain very douchey type. Of course this is a generalization and not always true, but something I've seen a lot of...

 

You shouldn't have gone through his message, but anyone that talks about someone in such a hateful manner is shallow and insecure..

 

I'm a woman who loves lifting weights. I'm definitely not a douchey person!

 

Does it change the way my body looks in a way that is appealing to me? Yes.

 

But it does SO MUCH MORE.

 

-It gives me strength, which is actually useful in my day to day life.

-I have terrible joints, and keeping my muscles strong helps support those joints reducing chance of pain and injury.

-It brings me joy. It releases endorphins that make me happy.

-Having a routine, something that I stick to, something that is good for me and that I am proud to work at, having goals that I can work towards and accomplish, relieves stress.

 

I could keep going, but you catch my drift

 

And I'm not a rare exception. People who lift weights are not just automatic shallow douche rockets

 

In any case, OP, regardless of whether this guy does or doesn't lift, he IS a shallow douche rocket, and that much is blatantly clear. He can kick rocks.

[JaneyJ1991]

Gaeta, this is completely false. See here.

 

To help everyone understand, here are some quotes from a physician interpreting such tests:

A test with 2.1:

"Probably you are infected with HSV-2. [note this was results of the HSV2 test] However, the numerical value of your HSV-2 test is in a low positive range; definitely infected people usually have values of 3.5 or higher.

 

"Reference range <.90" means any results lower than 0.9 are negative. You have never been infected with either HSV-1 or HSV-2. Whether or not you ever "came into contact with HSV" (i.e., exposed to an infected person), the infection was never transmitte to you. There is no need to re-test, unless you have reason to believe your partner is infected. "

 

and

 

"Any number below 0.90 means there is no antibody to HSV. People with results of, say, 0.2, 0.5, or 0.85 all are equally negative, with no antibody to HSV. Likewise, a person with a result of 6.0 is no more positive (and no more infected) than someone with a result of 4.0. "

 

 

 

Trying to stay focused, but first had to say that Pogo's post is spot on.

 

 

Gaeta you are a wealth of knowledge, but I think it may come down to testing in Canada is a slightly different process than the Herpes ELISA we run in the United States.

 

 

I have a biology degree, a fascination with pathology, and when this guy was potentially testing positive, I researched my brain out. Including talking to Terri Warren, the American leading expert on HSV.

 

 

The way testing here works: If on an antibody test, you are LESS THAN A .9, you are NEGATIVE. You do not HAVE the virus. You will NEVER, even if you've never even been exposed to the virus, pull a 0.00 ON THE TEST, BECAUSE OF HOW THE TEST IS CALIBRATED AND CONDUCTED. A .2 is pretty typical for a low negative, and my results read <.2 (so I even have less than a .2). Meaning I have NO antibodies for HSV1 OR HSV2. None.

 

 

The guy I've been seeing, he tested negative (so also below a .9) for HSV1 both times. However, he did test in the low positive range for HSV2 both times (a low positive, meaning there are a few false positives possible in this range, is antibody levels reading between .91-3.0 in America according to the testing).

 

 

In addition..There's NO ONE else I could have gotten the cold sore virus from in the last few months (I'm kind of a Nazi about sharing drinks, eating after people, etc etc etc). This leaves me with the options if my test comes back positive. That either somehow my tested MISSED hsv1 the first time (which I find unlikely because it's not like I was a .4 or a .8, no, I literally had the lowest of no antibodies), or he gave this to me. And if he was truly negative for HSV1 in those 2 tests he took..That means he Either gave me HSV2 on the mouth, or he has since picked up HSV1 from kissing someone else while we were dating (and meanwhile lying to me and saying he hasn't even wanted to see other girls and hasn't been on a date since we met). Neither are good options.

Edited July 1, 2015 by JaneyJ1991

[drallafi]

This thread is a conclusion to story of the guy I've been seeing for 3 months. I wrote last week that I was kind of evaluating if it was time to stay or go because he didn't want to commit. I decided to be okay with things staying casual for awhile, and last Friday after I posted, we went to the lake and had a great day. The subsequent week has been great. He also has been all over me--the sex drive has been HIGH, and he's wanted everything to do with me all week. Yesterday, I drove us to the creek (an hour and a half away) in my truck. We had a great day all day. We had taken videos with his phone earlier of me jumping off a rock, but I'd never watched them. While he went to change out of his swimtrunks..I did something I swore I'd never do. I opened his phone, planning to make it to the video section to watch the videos of myself for the first time. I never made it that far. Instead, what I saw, on the screen that was open, was a text screen to his sister. And right there...A comment about me.

 

He had told his sister I'm quote "skinny fat". I can't even describe how much that hurt. So like the dumbass I am, I scrolled up. What else I saw appalled me. He had also written her "Yeah she wanted to ask about commitment last week. I told her I'm not ready. In order for her to get that she'd have to change some things and really step it up." Then a couple texts later, "Well she has seemingly been trying lately. She's been getting a tan and putting makeup on these days." I was mortified. There were other things, but these are all the ones I clearly remember. There also was a text about how "she was over last night. She wanted to get pizza at (insert local place here we both go to together and he OFTEN SUGGESTS HIMSELF). Thank god they were closed." There was also an insult about how, "Alll she wants to do is run. Like 5 miles every day. I told her if she'd start to LIFT she'd be in better shape."

 

I confronted him on the drive home, told him what I saw, told him I was dropping him off at his house and was never going to see him again. When we got to his house, I told him I hope he finds EXACTLY what he's looking for, in the right size shape and color, and told him to have a great life.

 

I'm just really hurt. I've never had anyone call me fat or make fun of my body. The sick part is how many times he's complimented me on my body,even YESTERDAY, he was complimenting how I looked in a bikini. And I'm mortified. He even made fun of my training--I run 15-20 miles a week. I'm 5'9" and 140 pounds. He bodybuilds (he's at the gym 6 days a week). I should have known. Suddenly the lightbulb has come on--he never had a low sex drive, he just found me disgusting. He didn't want to commit to me not because he wasn't ready, he just lied.

 

He also told me after the cat was out of the bag on the way home, that initially the reason he didn't want to commit was because he quote, "Kinda fell in love" with the girl he hooked up with 4 times in march, who then promptly told him she didn't want to see him anymore because she got back together with her ex. He "fell in love" with her? Really? in 4 days? He's also told me quote "it never would have worked with that girl because we had nothing in common". And the 3 months of every week spent with me did nothing?

I feel lied to left and right. He even told me earlier in the day "The most important thing is if a girl is smart."

 

It also really hurts that this is only the second person I've ever let see me fully naked, and this is how he repays my trust. It would be one thing if he had this problem with my body, he could have told me and suggested working out together. Instead, he lied to my face, and talked behind my back.

 

I'm pretty destroyed this morning. Anyways, that's the end of that story.

 

 

Well, you definitely overreacted. But that's ok because it sounds like it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

 

BTW 5'9" 140 lbs is not fat, like at all. You overreacted when you glossed over the "skinny" part of his statement.

[JaneyJ1991]

Also, I finally replied to his apology. Maybe I should have, maybe I shouldn't have.

What I woke up to was a text that blew my mind.

 

 

There were comments about how he "Thought about all the nasty things I said to him on the way home" ..Guys..I basically word for word told you what I told him, I WAS HURT, but not mean. And how, "He's always treated me really well" quote he's "bought me lunch and dinner and etc" My mind was blown. He literally is counting the 4 times he took me out to dinner, and the couple times we got take out, as proof of how good he was to me.

 

 

I would like to mention to everyone, I'm trying to practice equality, and I have been paying 50/50 on most of our dates. Because I never wanted him to feel taken advantage of.

My protocol has been for the last three months: He buys dinner, I buy the next one. He buys movie tickets, I buy our bag of popcorn and drinks. We get frozen yogurt and he pays--I put in my member phone number to get us $5 off I'd been saving, to get $5 off our bill. He buys breakfast, I give him a $10 bill, and then the NEXT meal, I grabbed the check and paid for our whole meal for both of us.

 

 

Our trips the past two Fridays--Because I drive the new, reliable truck, we've taken my truck, and I have paid for full tanks of gas both times. The first lake trip, I then proceeded to buy us ice cream. His comment in that text, "Well I bought us sandwiches for the picnic, and I got you DINNER when we got home (he bought me...a fastfood hamburger.)

 

 

I'm so speechless. He also told me how "he tried to look nice for me" every time he saw me.

[quattrob]

Also, I finally replied to his apology. Maybe I should have, maybe I shouldn't have.

What I woke up to was a text that blew my mind.

 

 

There were comments about how he "Thought about all the nasty things I said to him on the way home" ..Guys..I basically word for word told you what I told him, I WAS HURT, but not mean. And how, "He's always treated me really well" quote he's "bought me lunch and dinner and etc" My mind was blown. He literally is counting the 4 times he took me out to dinner, and the couple times we got take out, as proof of how good he was to me.

 

 

I would like to mention to everyone, I'm trying to practice equality, and I have been paying 50/50 on most of our dates. Because I never wanted him to feel taken advantage of.

My protocol has been for the last three months: He buys dinner, I buy the next one. He buys movie tickets, I buy our bag of popcorn and drinks. We get frozen yogurt and he pays--I put in my member phone number to get us $5 off I'd been saving, to get $5 off our bill. He buys breakfast, I give him a $10 bill, and then the NEXT meal, I grabbed the check and paid for our whole meal for both of us.

 

 

Our trips the past two Fridays--Because I drive the new, reliable truck, we've taken my truck, and I have paid for full tanks of gas both times. The first lake trip, I then proceeded to buy us ice cream. His comment in that text, "Well I bought us sandwiches for the picnic, and I got you DINNER when we got home (he bought me...a fastfood hamburger.)

 

 

I'm so speechless. He also told me how "he tried to look nice for me" every time he saw me.

 

I think you're being alittle bit of a hypocrite.. you're counting the times you're buying and paying dinners etc too since you're planning to do things 50/50. I don't know what kind of a relationship this is when both sides are counting who paid or pays. That's a stressful and unhealthy relationship to be in.

[serial muse]

I think you're being alittle bit of a hypocrite.. you're counting the times you're buying and paying dinners etc too since you're planning to do things 50/50. I don't know what kind of a relationship this is when both sides are counting who paid or pays. That's a stressful and unhealthy relationship to be in.

 

I think the point is that he was making it sound like he was being super generous to her and she didn't appreciate it, blah blah blee. She's merely pointing out that she was equally generous, a fact that apparently eludes him. It's not hypocritical at all.

 

I mean, meh. OP, this guy sounds so not worth all the angst. It's good that it's done. Sure, he's saying whatever he can to defend himself, as people do - I'm sure he doesn't like knowing that you don't see him as an upstanding generous dream guy he likes to think he is. Well, tough patooties to him, because he doesn't get to control your thoughts, and sending you a whiny "well you suck anyway" text really won't change that. Nice try though, ace.

 

So. Done. **Wiping hands motion** I wouldn't reply to him and I would erase his number from the phone. Onward and upward.

Edited July 1, 2015 by serial muse

[quattrob]

My point still stands, relationships aren't about keeping tabs or equal transactions. This isn't a business or trade market you're running. You should pay/treat someone because you genuinely feel you want to not because "oh he/she paid last time so I'm going to do it next time" or "since you did this this time, I'll do this next time" so you're only doing or paying for something just because someone else did/paid for you first?

[JaneyJ1991]

I think the point is that he was making it sound like he was being super generous to her and she didn't appreciate it, blah blah blee. She's merely pointing out that she was equally generous, a fact that apparently eludes him. It's not hypocritical at all.

 

 

This is exactly my point. It's not a business, it's more don't take advantage of the guy, by pulling my own weight in the relationship. I know he would have paid in any of these instances (except maybe the gas)--but I wouldn't let him, because I just wanted it to be fair.

I think his exact words in the text *looks at phone* were "The money spent is nowhere near even."

 

If we're being tit for tat though? This guy did not buy me even one present, a pair of walmart earrings, or make me cookies--In fact, I think our whole relationship, we ate together 13 meals in 3 months--including our first date, and 8 of those "meals" were take-out or fast food, eaten on the sofa. We went to the movies twice. And I think he may have bought me 3-4 beers over the duration of the relationship.

None of that is important, but my point is? I wasn't exactly a spendy girl.

[Gaeta]

He's a miserable little man Janey. The kind that can only look inward because everything is about them. It's in moments like these that you see the true nature of a person. Let him argue on his own, he's not worth your efforts to fight back.

[rester]

He's just trying to make you feel guilty. If he had any integrity at all he would own up to what he did rather than trying to make everything your fault.

 

Ignore him and move on. You deserve better.

 

And I don't think there's any need to defend yourself to people here.

[guest569]

Yep, thats why you should cease contact, he will try to upset you and blame you to make himself feel better. You're better off just cutting him out of your life and free yourself from further pain and emotions from new information.

[Jenmarie]

I don't think you're taking it too personal or looking in it too much. The guy is a straight up ass. He SAW what you looked like before he began to see you. Getting involved with you should of been the big indicator that he was happy with what he saw. So trying to change you is pointless.

 

You're not what he wants? Big ****ing deal. There's hundreds of guys that would love to be with a girl like you. You dodged a bullet. Let him try to change someone else to fit his idea of what is "beautiful" meanwhile you're already somebody else's.

[JaneyJ1991]

My antibody blood test results came back yesterday: Negative for HSV1 and HSV2.

 

Still waiting on the swab results to come back, but the nurse practicioner agreed with me that usually if those swabs are going to grow something, you hear back right away. And we haven't.

 

Given I didn't experience any other symptoms usually associated with an initial HSV cold sore outbreak (the feeling icky, the malaise, the tingling, itching, burning, etc)..Pretty sure I just had a really pissed off pimple. I don't know why it's taken so long to heal, but oh well.

[Art_Critic]

He's a miserable little man Janey. The kind that can only look inward because everything is about them. It's in moments like these that you see the true nature of a person. Let him argue on his own, he's not worth your efforts to fight back.

 

He certainly is, bullet dodged and a big one at that.

[ktya]

This is stupid.

 

You should have never looked at his phone. What you found was not some dirty texts from some other woman he was playing with but stuff he was saying in confidence to his own sister. As in it was never meant for you to see.

 

So you flipped out and dumped him for it.

 

You should have just sucked it up and maybe tried dolling yourself up a bit more. Your wanting to run so obviously if you keep that up any extra weight is going to fall off.

 

It's **** like that why I have a ten letter four digit password on my BlackBerry. Every chick tries to fkn snoop, but you so much as touch their phone and they explode.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

This is stupid.

 

You should have never looked at his phone. What you found was not some dirty texts from some other woman he was playing with but stuff he was saying in confidence to his own sister. As in it was never meant for you to see.

 

So you flipped out and dumped him for it.

 

You should have just sucked it up and maybe tried dolling yourself up a bit more. Your wanting to run so obviously if you keep that up any extra weight is going to fall off.

 

It's **** like that why I have a ten letter four digit password on my BlackBerry. Every chick tries to fkn snoop, but you so much as touch their phone and they explode.

 

And yet, here you are on LS... looking for dating advice... maybe try putting aside your delusional stereotypes and try trusting an individual instead of lumping "every chick" into one bucket...

 

If the OP was serious about just wanting to watch the videos, which she seems to be, nobody can blame her for breaching privacy. curiosity leads to investigation. Besides, we're about 10 pages past the discussion on privacy barriers in relationships and this one lead to the OP dodging a bullet.

[BC1980]

I don't agree with the OP snooping, but what she found is a red flag. I think it's just the fact that he so objectified her. That is what I would have a huge problem with. All of us want someone who is attractive, and we all want to be attractive to others. But the blatant objectification of her is just taking it too far. The way he wants her to do certain things to "earn" a commitment makes it all sound like some hollow transaction.

[ktya]

That's the thing, she is not his SO. She let this go on and on without defining their relationship, saying in her threads she did not require exclusivity from him but then would act entitled to it when he acted like a single man. She has been wanting to end this for 2 months. Maybe she thought she was the only one with issues in this? Apparently he was having issues with her too.

 

I would feel different about this if they were in a real relationship. They were not. She was simply a girl he was seeing, among other girls. He can blab all he wants about her to his sister.

 

This.

 

I had a girl I was only seeing, slept with once and had clearly defined that I wasn't looking for a girlfriend flip out because I didn't answer her 8pm phone call accusing me of being with someone from tinder because I sent a "busy now can't take your call" autotext because I was hanging out with an old friend I never get to see and knew she was mid shift at work and probably bored.

 

Like sure he shouldn't be carrying on about other girls he's seeing to her face but she should expect it given the relationship status and just stay clear of the topic.

 

Further to that point she hadn't slept with him in months of dating... phone sex and mutual masterbation are kinda fun sometimes but the man needs to see that she wants to seal the deal. I've done a lot more than that on most first dates.

[ktya]

And yet, here you are on LS... looking for dating advice... maybe try putting aside your delusional stereotypes and try trusting an individual instead of lumping "every chick" into one bucket...

 

If the OP was serious about just wanting to watch the videos, which she seems to be, nobody can blame her for breaching privacy. curiosity leads to investigation. Besides, we're about 10 pages past the discussion on privacy barriers in relationships and this one lead to the OP dodging a bullet.

 

My BlackBerry doesn't lie. When I pick it up and it says "Attempt 4/10" and it's been on the table in the kitchen all night it's obvious what's up.

 

When my friends ask why I was on Facebook at 2am and didn't answer their chat back I know what's up when I log in.

 

When my girlfriend asks me about an email that was a deleted draft that wasn't even sent I know someone has been snooping.

 

It's inevitable. There was a poll somewhere I think cosmo. Something like 75% of women feel it's ok to snoop but only 30% of guys do. That's just coming from memory so it's not authoritative.

 

Answer is to lock down your phone really good and have good passwords.