Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[Buckeye2]

We know no such thing about the OP's wife. All we know is that she has conducted an affair for at least 15 years and had two children fathered by the OM.

 

I've never seen a successful poly relationship up close, but as I understand it they are built on trust, open communications, and careful consideration of the feelings of all parties. There's a big difference between a successful poly relationship and a blown-open LTA.

 

I agree with you but after 15 years I can see the WW and the OM borrowing some aspects of polyamory to convince themselves that they are not like those people that have tawdry affairs.

 

“People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed,long-term loving relationships.”

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I don't think he cares about getting the OM to PAY.

 

He wants HIS kids. He may not be the Bio dad, but he has raised them. The fact the Law will see him as the "father" is just fine. This is one case where justice works out. I think the worst case for lifedestroyed is to have the OM somehow take some custody of his kids. These kids are older and the only father they have known is lifedestroyed. He does not want to give them up. If I was lifedestroyed, I would not as well.

 

So, what advise do we have to make that happen? Any actions that lessen lifedestroyed parental rights should not be done, even if it lets that SOB OM and WW off. What is the goal here?

 

lifedestroyed,

 

There are no good paths here. The only thing is to decide, what you want, and then be relentless in working towards it. I myself, would work to having full custody of my kids, and my WW out of my life as much as possible.

 

20782080

 

 

I don't think it's gonna work out like that. The kids have two bio parents who will probably get together, if both the OP & the OW do the right thing & divorce their cheating POS spouses. If that happens, I believe that the court will award full custody to the cheaters. I wouldn't be shocked if the OP was forced to pay child support & denied any visitation rights. Our family courts are that skewed. There's been many cases where men have been forced to pay child support even after DNA tests prove they are not the bio father. Ultimately it will probably come down to which party has the better attorney & sadly if the judge is female who she "likes" better. I'm not giving my opinion to make the OP feel bad, just advising him how messed up the family law culture is.

[Buckeye2]

But this wasn't a slip up. This was his text message showing up on her lockscreen. It's not suspicous behaviour to turn off that feature where it just shows a message from a person. With text showing up on the lockscreen anyone walking past the phone can see without picking up the phone. Entirely different then him grabbing the phone to use and seeing a text message or showing up and catching them when they thought he was gone. And in the case of ten years of emails... That is a little more than a one time slip up. That's thousands of emails saved as evidence against them. It is not how LTA's are perserved. This was not an example of her getting lax and being caught.

 

So my guess is she wanted to eventually be caught or she simply didn't care if she was.

 

You have some excellent points and we will have to agree to disagree. My money is still on them just getting away with it for so long that they got sloppy, arrogant and their luck finally ran out.

 

The 10 years of emails I would put forth as evidence for my side. They have not deleted them for 10 years. Did they want to get caught every year for the last 10 years? Or did they have them stored in a safe place then move them so that they could be found now?

 

To me 10 years of saved emails points to sloppiness and arrogance. It’s like thinking that those stupid cops will never catch us

[autumnnight]

But this wasn't a slip up. This was his text message showing up on her lockscreen. It's not suspicous behaviour to turn off that feature where it just shows a message from a person. With text showing up on the lockscreen anyone walking past the phone can see without picking up the phone. Entirely different then him grabbing the phone to use and seeing a text message or showing up and catching them when they thought he was gone. And in the case of ten years of emails... That is a little more than a one time slip up. That's thousands of emails saved as evidence against them. It is not how LTA's are perserved. This was not an example of her getting lax and being caught.

 

So my guess is she wanted to eventually be caught or she simply didn't care if she was.

 

Basically, we don't know, and all of this is mind-reading, which has nothing to do with what the OP needs to do moving forward.

 

Who cares what she was thinking? She cheated for 15 years and had two children with someone else.

 

I still have to say, I am so impressed with this OP's sense of real fatherhood toward ALL of his kids. I have seen so many cases where they toss out the kids with the WW and it becomes all about getting "paid back" the $$ they spent - possibly understandable but truly pathetic.

[beach]

I'm unsure about a meeting with all of you at their workplace too... It could be disastrous!

 

I'd begin separating money and assets while the legal papers are drawn up. And be prepared when they are notified that you and the OM's BS are aware of what's been going on.

 

Then I'd have them both served at work on the same day. I'm not sure there's anything left to discuss with her. Let the attorneys work it out. If she needs to communicate with the kids get them phones and she can do that directly with them.

 

She's left you no options but to take care of yourself and your self respect.

 

Best to get tested for std's as well.

 

I'm sorry this is so crappy. Treat her as such...

[No Limit]

Would just like to write that I truly admire you OP. I'm more the impulsive type so I don't see how I wouldn't rip her apart in a rage. Ask your lawyer to speed things up a bit; stay in close touch to the other BS and help her plan her divorce as well. And once all ducks are in a row, tear their fantasy down with all your might.

 

I wonder what your in-laws are going to say. They better not know about this.

[beach]

I admire you for staying strong!

[Hope Shimmers]

As for me getting the DNA samples of my kids it wasn't that hard while they were asleep.

 

I'm trying to give benefit of the doubt to this thread, but with the above it's hard.

 

Those paternity DNA tests require multiple cheek swabs and they require the person's participation in getting it. The company makes strong statements saying they are not accurate when done without participation and they even mention not doing them on a sleeping person. They further claim that if you do you will get an inadequate result and when they go to process the test their quality control will catch this.

 

Even if that were not an issue, I can't imagine how you would get cheek swab DNA samples from sleeping children, especially older children, without waking them up.

[Babs22]

I'm trying to give benefit of the doubt to this thread, but with the above it's hard.

 

Those paternity DNA tests require multiple cheek swabs and they require the person's participation in getting it. The company makes strong statements saying they are not accurate when done without participation and they even mention not doing them on a sleeping person. They further claim that if you do you will get an inadequate result and when they go to process the test their quality control will catch this.

 

Even if that were not an issue, I can't imagine how you would get cheek swab DNA samples from sleeping children, especially older children, without waking them up.

 

I kind of assumed he took a sample of their hair while they were sleeping. I just read that hair can be used, but requires the follicle to be attached. I suppose he could of yanked one while they were sleeping. FYI, you can also have DNA testing done on chewing gum (sugar-free is preferred) or from a toothbrush.

 

Why are you doubting this thread Hope? I don't think anyone can make this story up.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Babs22

[Hope Shimmers]

I kind of assumed he took a sample of their hair while they were sleeping. I just read that hair can be used, but requires the follicle to be attached. I suppose he could of yanked one while they were sleeping. FYI, you can also have DNA testing done on chewing gum (sugar-free is preferred) or from a toothbrush.

 

Why are you doubting this thread Hope? I don't think anyone can make this story up.

 

The only DNA test kits available to purchase and send to a lab that I'm aware of use cheek swabs, not hair follicles (and they also say it won't work to swab a toothbrush). But okay.

 

I didn't say I was doubting anything. I just wondered about the technical aspect of this.

[Try]

So my guess is she wanted to eventually be caught or she simply didn't care if she was.

15 years of keeping it under wraps, with neither betrayed spouse even having a clue about the affair, does not indicate someone wanting to be caught. It indicates that after all these years she finally just slipped up. Frankly she must have been amazingly good at hiding it for her to have gotten away with it for so long. As far a liars and a cheats go, she is good at it.

[oldshirt]

This story is so bad, so messed up that I don't think that normal infidelity advice really applies. Its hard to even believe it but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. In this context I don't know why he should do anything but sit down and talk about an open marriage. It seems that she is polyamorous (sp?) and can love two men simultaneously. Rather than blow everything up I would at least discuss the possibility of maintaining status quo. She can have her lover and be a good wife - she's proven that for 15 years. Why change that part of the equation? He can accept continuing to share her openly. If he wants he can take a lover or two as well. A tangled, bag-of-snakes like this requires a different approach and I think what I"m suggesting should be considered. The alternatives he's facing maybe worse.

 

Why should he live with a con woman just because she was skilled enough to dupe him for 15years?

 

 

Besides, those kinds of open arrangements work for women. Men are glad to line up to boink a married woman who claims to be in an open marriage.

 

Women not so much when a man has permission to play. It's actually easier for men to cheat than to get women on the side when they have permission.

 

How he could even stand to be around her is beyond me. Asking him to consider tucking his tail up between his legs and accepting the abuse, ridicule, shame, humiliation and emasculation is preposterous.

[Noirek]

15 years of keeping it under wraps, with neither betrayed spouse even having a clue about the affair, does not indicate someone wanting to be caught. It indicates that after all these years she finally just slipped up. Frankly she must have been amazingly good at hiding it for her to have gotten away with it for so long. As a liar and a cheat, she is good at it.

 

But I explained this wasn't a slip up. Nor is keeping all those emails in her account where he easily accessed them. Texts appearing on lock screens is an option. But as autumn pointed out it really isn't relevant. Except for maybe in the level of outrage and investment put into the thread by posters.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Noirek

[Furious]

But this wasn't a slip up. This was his text message showing up on her lockscreen. It's not suspicous behaviour to turn off that feature where it just shows a message from a person. With text showing up on the lockscreen anyone walking past the phone can see without picking up the phone. Entirely different then him grabbing the phone to use and seeing a text message or showing up and catching them when they thought he was gone. And in the case of ten years of emails... That is a little more than a one time slip up. That's thousands of emails saved as evidence against them. It is not how LTA's are perserved. This was not an example of her getting lax and being caught.

 

So my guess is she wanted to eventually be caught or she simply didn't care if she was.

 

Many affair partners save their correspondence, it's not unusual. It's like a diary, a keep sake. As time goes on many cheaters get arrogant about not getting caught.

 

You believe she "wanted to get caught or simply didn't care if she was caught". To believe this is to believe she was ok with imploding her children's identity who were fathered by another man? Are you serious?

[Noirek]

Many affair partners save their correspondence, it's not unusual. It's like a diary, a keep sake. As time goes on many cheaters get arrogant about not getting caught.

 

You believe she "wanted to get caught or simply didn't care if she was caught". To believe this is to believe she was ok with imploding her children's identity who were fathered by another man? Are you serious?

 

If she cared about her kids not knowing. She wouldn't have lived her affair so openly. And while anyone can be discovered with digging she had hers right out in the open doing rookie affair actions (and yes, many keep their correspondance, but many keep them in a seperate email account that can't be easily accessed by their SO)living on the edge with barely hiding her affair for 15 years is not usual. This wasn't a slip up. It was a poorly hidden affair with no usual precautions lowering the chance of discovery in place. But really a mute point except if the OP flip flops between kicking her out and working on R.

 

As for her being the perfect wife this whole time by appearance. I would say that sounds very sociapathic in nature. It wasn't like she had a life away from him. She brought the product of her affair right into her home. I don't know too many humans who could continue an affair for that long and do that unless they have a mental disorder. Usually when women pass of their child as their SOs the real father is out of the picture.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Noirek

[Furious]

If she cared about her kids not knowing. She wouldn't have lived her affair so openly. And while anyone can be discovered with digging she had hers right out in the open doing rookie affair actions (and yes, many keep their correspondance, but many keep them in a seperate email account that can't be easily accessed by their SO)living on the edge with barely hiding her affair for 15 years is not usual. This wasn't a slip up. It was a poorly hidden affair with no usual precautions lowering the chance of discovery in place. But really a mute point except if the OP flip flops between kicking her out and working on R.

 

As for her being the perfect wife this whole time by appearance. I would say that sounds very sociapathic in nature. It wasn't like she had a life away from him. She brought the product of her affair right into her home. I don't know too many humans who could continue an affair for that long and do that unless they have a mental disorder. Usually when women pass of their child as their SOs the real father is out of the picture.

 

 

She got away with cheating for 15 years, that's not rookie cheater behaviour, odds are even the best liars and cheaters will screw up eventually. I don't see it as her wanting to get caught or not caring if she did as you previously said.

[Noirek]

She got away with cheating for 15 years, that's not rookie cheater behaviour, odds are even the best liars and cheaters will screw up eventually. I don't see it as her wanting to get caught or not caring if she did as you previously said.

 

Sigh* she got caught by rookie pattern of behaviour that is my point. Not a one time slip up.

 

I should add, "wanting to get caught" and "not caring if caught" are two different things.

Edited June 10, 2015 by Noirek

[velvette]

LifeDestroyed

 

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your W and her AP are truly evil.

 

 

That being said, I would rethink the work exposure plan for the moment because it may not be in the best interest of you, the AP's BW and all the kids involved for them to be fired and without income.

 

 

I would start moving at least half the assets. But, before that I would consider paying off all debt and moving money to the kids, perhaps in the form of trusts/college funds etc. Maybe even paying down the mortgage. Check with your attorney/accountant. Judges usually take a dim view of moving/hiding assets, but there may be ways to do it that are beyond scrutiny. Theres no way your wife will be able to prove imo that those types of actions weren't a joint decision. All is fair.

 

 

Have you told your parents if they are still around. Rally your family.

 

 

I think someone already mentioned getting the kids out of the way prior to confrontation. I think that's a great idea. Time for a vacation for the kids with grandparents or aunts/uncles/cousins even if you have to foot the bill.

 

 

Line up a counselor who can do family counseling for you and the kids. They will need it as soon as they find out what is going on. That covers the immediate crisis and if they or you need individual counseling you can spin off from there.

 

 

It sounds like you don't have plans to pursue child support from the AP. But, if you do, realize that you and the BW have a conflict of interest. In many states, he/she who files first for child support gets the most.

 

 

As soon after you confront your WW as possible, I would be on her parents doorstep filling them in and requesting their support for their grandchildren. Keep your cards close to your vest until you see what path they will take and take the high road with regard to their daughter. If they don't know about this, they will still be in the middle and have some loyalty to their daughter.

 

 

Light a fire under your lawyers rear to get you where you need to be. The AP's wife and even you may not be able to stick to your resolve to confront together. That's a hard thing to do, especially if she is dependent on him financially.

 

 

Good luck.

[Furious]

Sigh* she got caught by rookie pattern of behaviour that is my point. Not a one time slip up.

 

I should add, "wanting to get caught" and "not caring if caught" are two different things.

 

Now you're rephrasing...sigh.

 

No matter, this banter is not helpful to the OP. Let's agree to disagree.

[Noirek]

Now you're rephrasing...sigh.

 

No matter, this banter is not helpful to the OP. Let's agree to disagree.

 

I actually said it was likely one or the other. And it may not be helpful to the OP or it could if there is any part of him still hoping she shows mountains of remorse when confronted

[aliveagain]

I know without a shadow of a doubt it's the OM's children as I have reviewed the thousand odd emails between them dating back at least 10 years. It's apparent that they both know it's his children, and he has asked her on numerous emails "how are my girls doing?" etc. sorry I missed mentioning that before, and I did mention the other 2 look a little like the OM if you look hard enough but mostly their mother.

 

It makes me literally throw up when I read their emails, I don't even know why I re-read them in my spare time. I'm seeing the full picture of their deception and how they laughed at both myself and the other BS all this time. I am going to send a usb with all the emails to OM wife asap. At lunch I only showed her the key emails that showed obvious infidelity plus the DNA test results. She didn't doubt my evidence, she was upset and didn't say much mostly cried. As I said before we are now both working together lining our ducks in a row and having a confrontation at the same time at their work place.

 

I spoke with my lawyer and wow it is a sticky legal situation as many of you have mentioned. As for me getting the DNA samples of my kids it wasn't that hard while they were asleep.

 

I'm so furious at all this, I really want to have full custody of the kids and take them away from both of them! I will do whatever it takes to get my revenge, I assure you LS, justice is absolute I will no longer be a cuckhold provider to this manipulative whore. Before anyone says anything about using kids as revenge, please spare me, they were both happy to use their kids to get money off me it's only fair that I have legal custody over them I don't care if they give me money from OM to compensate for it, I don't need their money, I want my kids..... they are all I have

 

This is a very important email, it is proof that they have known all along who the real father of your two girls is. It also takes away any doubt that it could be any other O/M. Keep these emails somewhere she can't get at, your parents home, your work place in a locked drawer, your lawyer's office if you have one selected. Since she has two children with O/M it is likely she will leave you for him and she will most definitely go for custody of the children. They will try to prove that as a couple they have more claim to your daughters than you do. Sharing a lawyer with the other betrayed spouse is a bad idea because at some point you may end up in a battle over child care payments that her husband may be required to pay. This is money that is going to be taken from her children. Listen to your lawyer.

[velvette]

This is a very important email, it is proof that they have known all along who the real father of your two girls is. It also takes away any doubt that it could be any other O/M. Keep these emails somewhere she can't get at, your parents home, your work place in a locked drawer, your lawyer's office if you have one selected. Since she has two children with O/M it is likely she will leave you for him and she will most definitely go for custody of the children. They will try to prove that as a couple they have more claim to your daughters than you do. Sharing a lawyer with the other betrayed spouse is a bad idea because at some point you may end up in a battle over child care payments that her husband may be required to pay. This is money that is going to be taken from her children. Listen to your lawyer.

 

 

The kids are old enough that their wishes will be taken into consideration.

 

 

That's why imo its important to remove them from your wifes access ASAP after confronting her.

 

 

BTW in some states its possibly to get emergency separaton or divorce orders that bypass the normal timeframes of the state. Ask your attorney. Its usually invoked when one spouse has committed a crime, but this situation may come close enough to apply.

[Try]

But I explained this wasn't a slip up. Nor is keeping all those emails in her account where he easily accessed them. Texts appearing on lock screens is an option.

Addressing your hoping to get caught possibility, and the leaving of "all those emails in her account where he easily accessed them", leaving emails around for 15 years hoping to get caught would require the cheater to have the patience of Job if that where her plan. As for the locked phone texts appearing, many people do not know that there is an option to turn this off, much less how to; I think that she slipped up by not taking into the bathroom with her like she usually does. If it was the norm for her to leave her phone around where he could see it, it would not have taken 15 years for the OP to find out about the affair. Your theory would make sense under normal situations, but 15 years changes that.

[Try]

Since she has two children with O/M it is likely she will leave you for him and she will most definitely go for custody of the children. They will try to prove that as a couple they have more claim to your daughters than you do.

Sad but very true.

[autumnnight]

But I explained this wasn't a slip up. Nor is keeping all those emails in her account where he easily accessed them. Texts appearing on lock screens is an option. But as autumn pointed out it really isn't relevant. Except for maybe in the level of outrage and investment put into the thread by posters.

 

You don't know. This is irrelevant.