Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[Morbius]

Whatever you do... Ignore this advice. I really can't believe how often people stupidly hand it out... And veteran posters too. See a lawyer first, before confronting her, before exposure, before anything and see where you stand. As was said, choose divorce. You can always stop at any point if you change your mind but at least this way things are in order.

 

The child thing is so tough. I'm glad you still love them. I really can't imagine someone doing such a thing as your wife and yet it is scarily common. I would also discuss this with your lawyer too.

 

So yeah, my advice at this point is to lawyer up. And I agree with those that said this is a double life. and she not only got pregnant once, but twice by this OM. I really don't know if there is a marriage there to save. And I think wheb the shock wears off, you will see that too.

 

Exactly what Noirek said, it is spot on advice.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Morbius

[Morro72]

Married ...

You have not been married for at least the last 15 years, and you are not married now. You may have just found out that this is the case, but it's been that way for at least that long. What you need to do now is clean up the paperwork so that it matches reality.

[oldshirt]

Whatever you do... Ignore this advice. I really can't believe how often people stupidly hand it out... And veteran posters too. See a lawyer first, before confronting her, before exposure, before anything and see where you stand. As was said, choose divorce. You can always stop at any point if you change your mind but at least this way things are in order.

 

The child thing is so tough. I'm glad you still love them. I really can't imagine someone doing such a thing as your wife and yet it is scarily common. I would also discuss this with your lawyer too.

 

So yeah, my advice at this point is to lawyer up. And I agree with those that said this is a double life. and she not only got pregnant once, but twice by this OM. I really don't know if there is a marriage there to save. And I think wheb the shock wears off, you will see that too.

 

 

Yeah, this is a very sticky legal situation. Working things out to the letter with a legal and financial team is going to be paramount.

 

 

This is an office romance that culminated into a kissy-kiss in the stairwell or a drunken dalliance with some dude on a girls night out.

 

 

In those instances some sudden shock and awe might be warranted to shock people out of the affair fog and slam home some reality right away before things get out of hand.

 

 

This on the other hand is a very serious legal and financial situation and a very serious child custody situation that may even get Social Services knocking on the door.

 

 

This is going to need to be delt with legally in a very methodical, step by step manner by a multi-facet team of professionals to include lawyers, accountants, child welfare counselors, family counselors and possibly even Social Services etc etc.

 

 

There is a definite possibility that WW and OM's employer could have serious issues here and there is even a possibility that some criminal investigators could take an interest and come sniffing around to see if this is just people behaving badly or if there were any laws broken or any criminal fraud taking place somehow.

 

 

This isn't just some Jerry Springer trailer trash throwing shoes at each other on stage. This is a serious legal situation. We may even be seeing this on Dateline or Current Affair or 20/20 one of these days.

[oldshirt]

the OM is MARRIED??? well, call the OM's wife...just to make sure SHE knows about it all.

 

As I stated earlier, tread lightly here. It's statistically doubtful that BOTH the OP and the OM's BW have been completely duped for 15 years.

 

 

There is a real chance that she has been aware of it to one degree or another and for whatever reason and has kept that info from the OP or she may have even been a part of the deception for one reason or another.

 

 

She may not be a friend or ally in this scenario.

 

 

This is another area that may be best left up to the legal team to determine how to handle.

[Buckeye2]

Dude. 15 years. Two children. They see each other daily. they have built a life and family together.

 

This was a double life. I'm sorry but your marriage was fraudulent. There's nothing to reconcile here.

 

I know you love all your kids and of course they did nothing wrong. Your wife on the other hand has demonstrated that she has no conscious whatsoever. It’s the ultimate betrayal of those you’re supposed to love. Your husband, his parents and your kids.

 

 

If it was only one kid you could argue that it was an accident and she couldn’t bring herself to have an abortion. But two there is no excuse for.

 

 

She and the OM are both snakes. They must have a great time at social functions looking at each other and their kids. You’re doing the right thing by going dark and collecting evidence.

 

 

If you want to be over the top careful you can repeat the DNA test with a different company before blowing up their world.

 

 

As a general rule you should always hold some evidence back to see if she will tell you about it on her own. It’s good to let them assume you had a PI checking up on them. It will drive them crazy wondering what you know.

 

 

I would hold back the DNA till the very end. Present your suspensions and evidence. She if she will come clean. Given what she has done my money is on her telling you that you’re crazy. How in the world could you suggest she’s had sex with the OM. You should be ashamed of yourself. Then expect some TT. Let them swear up and down to everyone that nothing happened and that you’re a jealous fool.

 

 

Then and only then release the DNA.

[oldshirt]

This is so legally complex. There is a possibility the OM's parents may try to claim grandparental rights and contact to one degree or another.

 

 

The OP has stated his love and continued support of the OM's children. However once this all comes out in the open, the OM may decide there is not longer any reason to hide in the shadows and may try to claim some level of parental right.

 

 

The OP's parents will likely continue to love and support the children, but that is no guarantee. They may disclaim them and change their wills and inheritance etc etc.

 

 

The WW and OM may decide that now that it is all out, that they won't hide any more and will move in together and take their birth children with them.

 

 

This is a legal hornet's nest.

[beach]

Whatever you do... Ignore this advice. I really can't believe how often people stupidly hand it out... And veteran posters too. See a lawyer first, before confronting her, before exposure, before anything and see where you stand. As was said, choose divorce. You can always stop at any point if you change your mind but at least this way things are in order.

 

The child thing is so tough. I'm glad you still love them. I really can't imagine someone doing such a thing as your wife and yet it is scarily common. I would also discuss this with your lawyer too.

 

So yeah, my advice at this point is to lawyer up. And I agree with those that said this is a double life. and she not only got pregnant once, but twice by this OM. I really don't know if there is a marriage there to save. And I think wheb the shock wears off, you will see that too.

 

 

If you had read my post prior to the one you picked out - you would see that I had already suggested seeing an attorney and a therapist.

 

The OP has a lot to sort through - legally and emotionally.

 

I'm not even sure it's worth any conversation with her... I think if it were me I'd see an attorney, have the papers drawn up and have them both served (if there's any way to also get some payback from her OM).

 

She will flip out - but I'd be hard pressed to know what she could possibly say that would warrant staying married to her...she's made the whole marriage a sham.

 

Is there any value in having them both served at their workplace?

 

How did you find out - after all these years...if you don't mind me asking? Did you ever have reason to wonder throughout the years?

[oldshirt]

I know you love all your kids and of course they did nothing wrong. Your wife on the other hand has demonstrated that she has no conscious whatsoever. It’s the ultimate betrayal of those you’re supposed to love. Your husband, his parents and your kids.

 

 

If it was only one kid you could argue that it was an accident and she couldn’t bring herself to have an abortion. But two there is no excuse for.

 

 

She and the OM are both snakes. They must have a great time at social functions looking at each other and their kids. You’re doing the right thing by going dark and collecting evidence.

 

 

If you want to be over the top careful you can repeat the DNA test with a different company before blowing up their world.

 

 

As a general rule you should always hold some evidence back to see if she will tell you about it on her own. It’s good to let them assume you had a PI checking up on them. It will drive them crazy wondering what you know.

 

 

I would hold back the DNA till the very end. Present your suspensions and evidence. She if she will come clean. Given what she has done my money is on her telling you that you’re crazy. How in the world could you suggest she’s had sex with the OM. You should be ashamed of yourself. Then expect some TT. Let them swear up and down to everyone that nothing happened and that you’re a jealous fool.

 

 

Then and only then release the DNA.

 

I can tell I'm gonna go all broken record on this thread - this is all something that the legal team needs to work out and come up with a plan for how to deal with legal complexities and necessities before any type of adultery confrontations.

 

 

The OP needs to secure his relationship and parental rights with his children and needs to deal with all the legal and financial ramifications of this before people jump into confronting a cheating ho.

 

 

This is not a garden variety wife behaving badly scenario. It is a legal nightmare.

 

 

The OM might try to claim parental rights. The OM's parents may try to claim grandparental rights.

 

 

The OP's parents may be denied grandparental rights.

 

 

Social Services may come snooping around with an ax to grind at some point looking for a scapegoat.

 

 

Calling out a skank and worrying about her TTing or trying to deny any shinanigans in the broom closet at work is the least of his worries at this point.

[Cephalopod]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

 

When you confront tell her she needs to move out. You cannot force her out, but you can ask. Getting some distance from her will help you heal better. She can visit the kids alternately: while she is at the house you can be somewhere else and vice versa.

[Buckeye2]

This is not a garden variety wife behaving badly scenario. It is a legal nightmare.

 

Calling out a skank and worrying about her TTing or trying to deny any shinanigans in the broom closet at work is the least of his worries at this point.

 

Oldshirt, I agree that the legal aspect is a nightmare but you already had it covered in your previous posts.

 

 

I can tell I'm gonna go all broken record on this thread.

 

I saw no reason to cover it again so I went on to other concerns. Should everyone’s advice and comments be limited to the legal situation?

Edited June 9, 2015 by Buckeye2

[bubbaganoosh]

Thank you for your reply, I agree that their affair needs to end, and it most certainly will when I expose everything. What do you mean by I need to get out of there? Do you mean leave the marriage or my house? At the moment I am leaning towards R if she is remorseful, and D if she isn't.

 

Friend for 15 out of the 18 years of marriage she's been cheating on you. Had two kids with this guy and stuck you as the father.

 

What does that tell you?. Here it is plain and simple. She has no respect for you or the marriage. She cares about one thing..........HER and nothing more.

 

To be honest when you bust her, I doubt she'll show remorse because it hurt you. She'll show remorse for being caught and everyone will know what kind of a woman she is. A liar and a cheat. Nothing more.

 

Time for you to buckle up, get you big boy pants out of the closet and pitch this woman out as fast as you can. She doesn't deserve to be in the same home with you. Get a lawyer file your paper work and let the OM wife know along with friends and family. She wants to dance to the music, now it's time to pay the piper.

 

Time to swing the hammer and swing hard. Forget an R.

[Mr. Lucky]

As a general rule you should always hold some evidence back to see if she will tell you about it on her own. It’s good to let them assume you had a PI checking up on them. It will drive them crazy wondering what you know.

 

 

I would hold back the DNA till the very end. Present your suspensions and evidence. She if she will come clean. Given what she has done my money is on her telling you that you’re crazy. How in the world could you suggest she’s had sex with the OM. You should be ashamed of yourself. Then expect some TT. Let them swear up and down to everyone that nothing happened and that you’re a jealous fool.

 

 

Then and only then release the DNA.

 

This would make sense were he writing a 3-act play, great to save the big reveal for the end. But this is real life.

 

The OP has rock solid proof. Once he has the legal end covered, he should confront her with the complete truth. Some difficult things ahead, no point in delaying them any longer than necessary...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Sorry friend but they have more of a relationship than you have with her, they have two children together and they see each other at work every day, probably for more time than you see her. The children will need to be told the truth one day, all children deserve to know who their real parents are. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything, you need to know your rights and how all this can affect you, your children, your finances.

 

The planning required to deceive you for 15 years is absolutely diabolical. Just think about how many times O/M and you both had sex with her the same day, probably gave her an additional rush. They must have been having sex at work or at lunch making you the second man, that is just sick. You deserve a full time wife, all you have seen so far is a part time commitment on her part because her heart does not belong to you exclusively. I can't imagine settling for her when she loves another man, I can't imagine settling period.

 

Why do you want her knowing what you know, what do you think is so great about a lying unworthy cheater, what do you think is worth saving? Get professional advice to help you deal with this, expose the POS. You are in a false marriage, you deserve someone so much better than her.

[Susmay]

Sorry, this is a dreadful thing to happen.

 

 

The DNA tests.

 

 

Firstly, in my country only specific types of DNA tests are acceptable for family law, the other cheaper tests are often called "peace of mind" tests. If you haven't already, I'd suggest you get the full court authorised tests.

 

 

Secondly I assume the DNA tests show you cannot be the father. I expect they don't tell you exactly who the father is, or even if the children have the same biological father. It could be entirely possible that your wife is a serial cheater and the guy she is having an affair with now, is not the same one(s) she was with when the children were conceived.

 

 

Thirdly the OMM can only be ordered to pay child support if it's certain he is the father, at least in my country which is not the USA. To this end the courts can order the other man/men to take DNA tests.

 

 

Your marriage and reconciliation

 

 

My husband also cheated for many years and there was a child born during that time. For various reasons DNA tests have never happened so the child is considered to be that of the OW and her husband.

 

 

Despite what somebody said it's entirely possible for 2 people to deceive their spouses for many years. I think the idea that BW's turn a blind eye to their H's infidelities is largely a myth in ordinary everyday people. As you haven't yet confronted your WW I'd suggest you let the other BW know, to avoid your WW and OMM getting together to come up with a story. You never know but the other BW may assist you in getting a DNA sample to test (it won't be legally admissible for family law purposes but at least you'll know).

 

 

Don't make any rash decisions to either divorce or stay together, just because people here say you should, until after you have confronted your wife and after you've had time to think about it. There's absolutely no reason to hurry. Of course if your WW wants to part, then you won't have any say in it, but if she wants to reconcile and you do too, then give it a go. If your wife engages in further gaslighting of you or TT (trickle truth) after d-day then make these factors in your decision. You should probably let her know that any further gaslighting or TT will means you probably won't want to stay with her.

 

 

As for the children even if you part, under family law you may still have contact with them. Especially if they love you as a father and you them, and it's in their best interests. You do need to check this for your country though as I'm probably not in the same country.

 

 

My FWH and I are many years past D-day and are reconciled. The other child is now a teenager. I don't trust him the way I used to and we both know that there will be no third chances...

[drifter777]

Why do anything? You haven't suspected for 15 years even though your wife has had TWO of his children. You've been an unknowing cuckold for all this time and was it really so bad? Maybe just keep this all to yourself and don't do anything to upset the lives of the people you love. Grin & bear it. Maybe find a girlfriend yourself. You've shared her all this time - why stop now?

[lifedestroyed]

From the bottom of my heart thank you everyone for your comments, wow the great amount of support means so much to me.

 

I'm not able to answer everyones questions but i'll try my best to answer as many as possible. First of all, before all of this, I NEVER would have suspected anything was going on. For the entire duration of our marriage, my wife was the perfect wife a guy could ever dream of having. We had a VERY active sex life, we were best friends, got along so well and rarely fought, on the rare ocassions that we fought it was resolved quickly. We are both successful people and in great shape. I could find no fault with our marriage, I trusted her completely and I was the happiest guy in the world... until I saw a strange text on her phone last month. She had said she was going to visit her mother and while she was in the shower, I saw a text appear on her lockscreen from the OM saying "see you soon".

 

From that day everything changed, I didn't mention anythjng to her and went into investigation mode. I found and read emails upon emails of evidence showing that these guys have been having an affair for well over a decade. Our first born looks exactly like me so I had no doubt he was mine, but the other 2 do look a lot more like their mother with a little bit of OM there too if you look hard enough, but I didn't think much of it until I did the DNA test on all of them and found out that the last 2 are in fact not mine. Because of the kids ages (17 14 10), I was able to deduce that the affair has been going on for at least 15 years.

 

The reason why I said I would consider R is because, as I said earlier in this post, we had a great marriage and friendship prior to my knowledge of this affair. Regardless of the "double life" a lot of you claim she was living, I would have to say I got way more of her energy and time than he ever did, so at least I feel a bit more pleased about that. Having said that, this isn't a competition, I don't see myself as a winner at all. My wife has given a part of herself to this scumbag OM and he was inside her, it makes me sick thinking about all the things they did, and they had 2 children together. I am hurt, angry, depressed, in shock, traumatized and heart broken.

 

Anyway, today I did something I never thought I would do amidst all of this mess. I contacted the OM's wife and asked her out to lunch. During lunch I told her everything. She had no idea either as she thought she was in a great marriage too. She cried for a little while and I didn't know what to do, I felt so bad for being a messenger of such bad news. Now the other BS and I are sort of working together on a game plan. We agreed that we will not confront our spouses just yet, we are lining our ducks in a row and we will confront them both at the same time at their work place when we're both ready with everything.

 

I am seeking leagal advice as we speak, and i'm looking into IC asap. The more I realise what she has been doing, the more I realise I want to D, which scares me. Perhaps that's another reason why I am considering R? it's out of fear for the unknown? No doubt IC will put all this to light soon enough. For the meantime, i'll be honest it's very difficult pretending that everything is ok, I don't know how she could pull this off for 15 years without bahaving any differently! Absolutely mind blowing, in a sick twisted way i'm actually impressed by her skills of deception. She fooled me for 15 years so easily and effortlessly!! No signs whatsoever, hard to wrap my head around it.

 

End rant. Thank you all again for your support.

 

LD

[Noirek]

It would appear your wife was ready to be caught. Having your text messages show up on the lockscreen is against rule number 1 of any seasoned cheater. And keeping emails is rule 2. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find a really good lawyer.

[Poutrew]

You will never be able to wrap your head completely around what those two did, because, my friend, you are a human being with a soul. They, on the other hand, are cold blooded sociopaths. Remember the saying, When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. You are getting a first hand taste of what that means...sorry.

[aliveagain]

My now ex had a child with her O/M, I know your pain. Her affair was two years long. I raised who I thought was my son for most of the first year of his life but once I found out the truth I chose to end things with her. In my case the child was young enough that I knew he would forget me in time. I loved him very much but I lost my love for his mother. I decided I didn't want O/M in my life anymore and deception does not sit well with me. I knew I would never get over the feeling of tainted. You can't get over knowing that the person you love willingly chose to have another man's child. In my situation it was intentional, she knew who she wanted to father her child, she wanted the lifestyle I gave her but that's all. I don't think she ever expected to get caught and she definitely never expected me to leave her. She's still trying to contact me all these years later. Love yourself and become selfish enough that you made the decision that is best for you. How will she even be able to look you in the face when you finally confront her? Sorry just won't cut it.

[merrmeade]

Married for what I thought was a blissful 18 years to a beautiful amazing wife/mother of our children, together 22 years all up. Just found out a week ago that my wife has been having a long term affair for at least 15 years. I am so hurt and my life as I knew it has been a lie. We have 3 amazing kids, of which I just found out the oldest is mine, and the other 2 are the OM's children. I have been gathering info since what you may call a "mini D-Day" but it was confirmed a week ago when I found out the 2 youngest were not mine. Since then, the past week I have been digging to find out as much info for myself without confronting her so that I won't have to rely on her word as much so as to reduce any chances of trickle truthing, if that makes sense. She senses something is wrong but she doesn't know that I know at this point.

 

I honestly don't know what to do, I love this woman so much and I just feel like my heart has been shattered into a trillion pieces. I want to know what I am going to do before I even consider confronting her, because I know now 100% this affair has been going on for most of our marriage, just writing that makes me sick. I know the OM a little as he is her co-worker and I know his wife a little as well, I will definitely be informing her once I confront my wife. At the moment life is going along as normal as can be, so as to not raise any suspicions. I guess I came here for the support and to help me on how I can decide what I want to do. What would any of you do if you were in my situation?

 

p.s even though I just found out that the 2 youngest are biologically not mine, they are every bit my children and I love them as my own no matter what, a DNA test will never take that away from me.

At the moment I am leaning towards R if she is remorseful, and D if she isn't.

On rereading your first and second posts, lifedestroyed, I felt sure you were not prepared for the vehement finality in the consensus to reject, condemn, divorce and/or expose your wife. I would also guess, from what you've shared about your initial feelings, that the shock and confusion you're still navigating made it hard to buy into their no-compromise outrage on your behalf.

 

And that worries me.

 

I think that probably you can't get your head around it yet because you can't imagine radically changing your life. Maybe you think THAT will destroy your family, but think again, ld. You did not do anything wrong. But I think that trying to reconcile with someone who's betrayed you so blatantly, so callously, in such an organized way and for so long, that THAT would be a compromise and lie so egregious you'd never get over it.

 

Maybe they could be more understanding, but imho I think you need to allow the anger along with the grief.

[Hope Shimmers]

Why do anything? You haven't suspected for 15 years even though your wife has had TWO of his children. You've been an unknowing cuckold for all this time and was it really so bad? Maybe just keep this all to yourself and don't do anything to upset the lives of the people you love. Grin & bear it. Maybe find a girlfriend yourself. You've shared her all this time - why stop now?

 

This is your answer for how to best live a life?

[Hope Shimmers]

My now ex had a child with her O/M, I know your pain. Her affair was two years long. I raised who I thought was my son for most of the first year of his life but once I found out the truth I chose to end things with her. In my case the child was young enough that I knew he would forget me in time. I loved him very much but I lost my love for his mother. I decided I didn't want O/M in my life anymore and deception does not sit well with me. I knew I would never get over the feeling of tainted. You can't get over knowing that the person you love willingly chose to have another man's child. In my situation it was intentional, she knew who she wanted to father her child, she wanted the lifestyle I gave her but that's all. I don't think she ever expected to get caught and she definitely never expected me to leave her. She's still trying to contact me all these years later. Love yourself and become selfish enough that you made the decision that is best for you. How will she even be able to look you in the face when you finally confront her? Sorry just won't cut it.

 

This is a sad story for all involved, but it really sucks for the child who ended up screwed all around and who asked for none of it- and who counted on you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Life destroyed, Have you thought about using the services of a PI for your investigationy ins into your wife's indiscretions? I would think that professional help in that sphere would yield you fruitful dividends.

As for the rest I awfully sorry that you have had to face such a traumatic event in your married life. You have described your marriage as near perfect with your wife being a loving partner in all the aspects of your marriage. After this terrible revelation of your wife's huge deception I would, in your place, probably have had a heart attack! The good people on this forum have had a lot of sage advice to offer you and there is nothing more that I could say to help you or comfort you except that you hang in there and do not let your spirits sag and get you down. Remember that good people come out on top. My very best wishes to you for a great outcome for you! Cheers!

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt, I agree that the legal aspect is a nightmare but you already had it covered in your previous posts.

 

 

 

 

I saw no reason to cover it again so I went on to other concerns. Should everyone’s advice and comments be limited to the legal situation?

 

No, you are right. I was just going off on a tangent. I was so gobsmacked by the whole thing.

[eric1]

Hi Life destroyed, Have you thought about using the services of a PI for your investigationy ins into your wife's indiscretions? I would think that professional help in that sphere would yield you fruitful dividends.

As for the rest I awfully sorry that you have had to face such a traumatic event in your married life. You have described your marriage as near perfect with your wife being a loving partner in all the aspects of your marriage. After this terrible revelation of your wife's huge deception I would, in your place, probably have had a heart attack! The good people on this forum have had a lot of sage advice to offer you and there is nothing more that I could say to help you or comfort you except that you hang in there and do not let your spirits sag and get you down. Remember that good people come out on top. My very best wishes to you for a great outcome for you! Cheers!

 

Why even bother at this point?

 

If I were him I'd see a lawyer, file for divorce, live/act how legal counsel advised me, arrange a family therapist to help guide how to work with the children and then concentrate on healing me (as quickly as possible).

This isn't a wishy washy what should I do thing.