WasOtherWoman Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 most smart & educated ladies i know that are single, are single because they simply can't find that one person that fits them the best. when they do click with someone, the person is usually already attached. like, they have high expectations and it's not easy at all to find someone who will actually live up to that. they won't settle for less. so i don't think it's mantaining the relationship that's the problem - i think stumbling upon the right person at the right time is... but isn't that the problem for anyone anyway? finding that one person you have amazing chemistry with + are compatible with is NOT easy. some don't ever find someone like that. The above is a true statement, in my opinion. The perfect man, in my situation, was married. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 (edited) success is here today, gone tomorrow. Opinions change, bodies transform, money is won and lost. what you get, what you get stuck with, is the person. anyone focusing on anything else but that (the quality of the other person, their RS, the values they both treasure, their love), is in for a biiiiig surprise, at some point, in time Edited June 4, 2015 by candie13 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Oh yes you can..... You can, if you want to bump heads all the time. Even if both of them are strong, usually one of them has the stronger personality. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 You can, if you want to bump heads all the time. Even if both of them are strong, usually one of them has the stronger personality. It depends on the area. There are areas where I defer to my wife, others in which she defers to me. We both have our areas of expertise, and part of being an "alpha" as far as I'm concerned is building a team that works to the team members' strengths. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 My mom used to tell me there can only be one star in a family. And being a star has nothing to do with smarts, but likeability, ability to get along with people, love what you do, be appreciated, have results, irrelevant of who your employer is or if you have a stable job to begin with. I'm yet to see a man willingly give the lime light place to the woman. This is interesting. I have always been all about my career, have had plenty of very nice relationships along the way, but in general they took a back seat to my career building. When I got together with my husband, I decided that he was more important. My thoughts were that both of us cannot work these types of jobs. And it has turned out to be true. I am in sales, which allows me a ton of control, and I have definitely scaled back a bit in order to let him do all the stuff he needs to do. I don't really see it as the limelight though.... but I don't think that my husband would have been able to do the same for me. His drive just can't really be tempered, LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 It depends on the area. There are areas where I defer to my wife, others in which she defers to me. We both have our areas of expertise, and part of being an "alpha" as far as I'm concerned is building a team that works to the team members' strengths. Usually in a team people work together, but some member are more yielding than others. Everyone can't be in charge. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 It depends on the area. There are areas where I defer to my wife, others in which she defers to me. We both have our areas of expertise, and part of being an "alpha" as far as I'm concerned is building a team that works to the team members' strengths. That is very true. If you really think about things in your home life, for me anyway, there are really only 5% of things that I really care about. The other 95% of the decisions, don't care, I let my husband choose. He is pretty much the same way. But those 5% (thankfully a different 5% than my husband's).... I'd better get my way immediately. I do the same for him. LOL, when two people with high power jobs are married they get tired of making decisions all the time. So, at home, the unimportant ones, like where should we go for dinner, can be challenging 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Usually in a team people work together, but some member are more yielding than others. Everyone can't be in charge. 31 years of marriage and a dozen of being in the upper tier of a $3 billion organization tell me that your view is a wee bit too simplistic. But rock on. It's not my life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Yeah, I guess I am a little confused about what you're talking about. My brother-in-law has worked for the same oil company all of his life. He started as a lowly with an engineering degree and 30 years later is overseeing the construction of state-of-the-art oil rigs offshore. He's worked five days a week, 5am - 5pm his whole life. He's provided royally for his wife and 3 children. He is an absolute dullard. He can't carry a conversation, has little interest in anything outside college football, John Grisham and Sunday services. So, where does he fit into your schematic? Well paid people WORK a lot; limiting their free time ergo hobbies ergo interests ergo what sort of BIONIC man are you describing??? He is exactly what I described as a not passionate person. Fine for others but not fine for me. Like you said a dullard. It has nothing to do with income, it has to do the lack of interest in doing more than punching a clock and real interest in other areas. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 So, at home, the unimportant ones, like where should we go for dinner, can be challenging LOL. went through that just last night. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Deep down I can't respect a man that is less successful than I am. I can't help it. That's why I find most men undatable. My no 1 problem in being single has never been an inability to keep a relationship. It was finding a man that I want a relationship with in the first place. Really why? What are you defining as successful? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 No, no, that's not how relationships in general work. They are usually not completely equal. Usually, there is someone who has the stronger personality. This is true even with friendships. You can't have two alphas in one relationship. Really? I have that in my marriage. On the DISC assessment we are both high Dominance though I am slightly higher though he is higher Influence which will combine with the Dominance to be a strong personality. We are both very strong personalities. Makes for some interesting disagreements. But we respect each other's strengths and ebb and flow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 success is here today, gone tomorrow. Opinions change, bodies transform, money is won and lost. what you get, what you get stuck with, is the person. anyone focusing on anything else but that (the quality of the other person, their RS, the values they both treasure, their love), is in for a biiiiig surprise, at some point, in time Success is not just monies. Success is accomplishing great feats. So one may not be rich but can be very successful. Why do people only see success tied to finance? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 That is very true. If you really think about things in your home life, for me anyway, there are really only 5% of things that I really care about. The other 95% of the decisions, don't care, I let my husband choose. He is pretty much the same way. But those 5% (thankfully a different 5% than my husband's).... I'd better get my way immediately. I do the same for him. LOL, when two people with high power jobs are married they get tired of making decisions all the time. So, at home, the unimportant ones, like where should we go for dinner, can be challenging THIS!!!! And we have carved out areas, based on skill set and interest, that one is more prominent on in making decisions. But I could not imagine deferring 95% of our live's decisions to him. I have an opinion and will state it. So yes, some areas he is definitely knows the best, has the most interest, and is resident expert. In others, it is me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 THIS!!!! But I could not imagine deferring 95% of our live's decisions to him. I have an opinion and will state it. You know, that didn't really come until several years into our marriage. But I have come to learn over the years that he has impeccable taste and great judgement. So - years ago when he would say something like "I am going to have one of the decks extended on the house" I would feel the need to get involved. Now, I just him have done what he likes, it is always lovely or more efficient or whatever else he was trying to accomplish with whatever he did. Over the years, I have learned to trust him and his decisions implicitly. HA.. sure makes my life easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 You know, that didn't really come until several years into our marriage. But I have come to learn over the years that he has impeccable taste and great judgement. So - years ago when he would say something like "I am going to have one of the decks extended on the house" I would feel the need to get involved. Now, I just him have done what he likes, it is always lovely or more efficient or whatever else he was trying to accomplish with whatever he did. Over the years, I have learned to trust him and his decisions implicitly. HA.. sure makes my life easier. Hmm, okay. While I agree I usually like what my husband wants to do there are usually equally nice ideas where we may tweak something. We want both of us to weigh in so we are both invested in it. In his previous marriage his ex was a lot like the above and then would come back years later and say "well you wanted to do x, y, and z". So I weigh in and am definitively just as into said project, decision, and he knows we both own the decision. Again, I weigh in because I want to be an active decision maker in my household. Not just a passenger. To each their own. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Are we having fun yet? TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Success is not just monies. Success is accomplishing great feats. So one may not be rich but can be very successful. Why do people only see success tied to finance? So... it's like saying: "i've aced all the interviews at my job and they think I'm great, but they still pay me peanuts" type of thing? or best critiqued booked who sold zero? Link to post Share on other sites
Author elaine567 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 You know, that didn't really come until several years into our marriage. But I have come to learn over the years that he has impeccable taste and great judgement. So - years ago when he would say something like "I am going to have one of the decks extended on the house" I would feel the need to get involved. Now, I just him have done what he likes, it is always lovely or more efficient or whatever else he was trying to accomplish with whatever he did. Over the years, I have learned to trust him and his decisions implicitly. HA.. sure makes my life easier. Be very careful there. As men get used to making "couple" decisions and women relinquish their seat at the decision-making table due to "other commitments" or a desire to "leave it to the man", it can be very difficult to reverse that process. One day, you will find, you want to make that specific, important decision, and you will only then realise you are not even in the equation - your input is NOT required - you are irrelevant. If, you then try and take the reins back and become relevant again, you will have a big fight on your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Success is not just monies. Success is accomplishing great feats. So one may not be rich but can be very successful. Why do people only see success tied to finance? I have no idea. It's so common today, and very annoying to me. Some (of course not all) people that I've known who became rich are otherwise awful people so I shudder when others refer to them as successful. I think to myself, "not by my measure... or their exW's... or their kids'....." I agree that success is not just monies or wealth. But my definition is even broader than yours. I'd say it's achieving goals. I suppose that meshes with ambition, a drive to achieve goals. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I have no idea. It's so common today, and very annoying to me. Some (of course not all) people that I've known who became rich are otherwise awful people so I shudder when others refer to them as successful. I think to myself, "not by my measure... or their exW's... or their kids'....." I agree that success is not just monies or wealth. But my definition is even broader than yours. I'd say it's achieving goals. I suppose that meshes with ambition, a drive to achieve goals. sorry, I understand you're point, but I believe you may be mistaking "accomplished" with "successful". Successful people show it off. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I have no idea. It's so common today, and very annoying to me. Some (of course not all) people that I've known who became rich are otherwise awful people so I shudder when others refer to them as successful. I think to myself, "not by my measure... or their exW's... or their kids'....." I agree that success is not just monies or wealth. But my definition is even broader than yours. I'd say it's achieving goals. I suppose that meshes with ambition, a drive to achieve goals. Quite honestly, women(or society?) are mostly the one's.... Guys are measured constantly....Guys feel like shyt if they don't earn...I know a few guys who are pretty good guys and are available, but they wont even bother dating because they don't have, what they feel, are jobs or living arrangements that are worthy of being considered attractive...So they preserve their own dignity by not even getting involved.. One guy I know that has been doing OLD has had a ton of trouble...He's reasonably good looking, has a decent and reliable job, his own house, etc...Yet all of the women he's met have gone cold on him stating they want a guy with more resources and a more prestigious career..Mind you these are middle aged, busted out, overweight women that dont bring anything to the table themselves, really... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author elaine567 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 In this capitalist world, success IS measured in terms of money. Everyone tries to say success is about being healthy or having a great life, or being happy, BUT the man needs to be making money and usually a lot of it, to be labelled "successful". No-one living in a one bed rented apartment, with a crappy car or no car and no money, is ever labelled "successful" are they? No matter how happy or healthy or how great their life is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 So... it's like saying: "i've aced all the interviews at my job and they think I'm great, but they still pay me peanuts" type of thing? or best critiqued booked who sold zero? Some industries are relatively low paying. Nevertheless, if it's a person's passion, they can be rewarding in other ways. A lot of the "helping" professions are like this. And, of course, this may be where more nurturing people thrive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 No, no, that's not how relationships in general work. They are usually not completely equal. Usually, there is someone who has the stronger personality. This is true even with friendships. You can't have two alphas in one relationship. Then how have I managed to achieve it and my in laws too? The thing is that we don't even try to be equal and go around trumpeting how progressive we are. We are both adults so it is just assumed we both have equal power. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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