Sassy Girl Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Oh, he just got back to me and ended the conversation with "the ball is in your court" WTH. Why do even want more from this a**hole. How did the rest of that conversation go? sounds like you still discussed having sex. So no, nothing seems to be getting through to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Not dismissed, but working through it. Seems like you dismissed it, or didn't really take in what has been said. You're already way too involved and attached, so I hope him allowing your call to go to voicemail and ignoring you, then telling you later that the ball is in your court is enough to make you re-think this and walk away. Let yourself get over him, stop thinking of his golden you know what and just know that there are better men out there for you. Ones that aren't an ex and married! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I feel I can have a "no big deal" attitude because I have not engaged in anything except a few meaningless texts. If what has transpired is divorce worthy, then there is something wrong with this world. You can not fault a person for how they feel or think, only how they act. I was partially sexting with him. Is this a felony or a misdemeanor? You are not seeing the forest for the trees. The issue is not whether the terminology "affair" applies to the sexting (it does, but that's not what is important here). The problem is that your sexting with him has increased your emotional connection to him - one that was already there before. Do you see that? THIS is why people are saying it's a problem and in fact IS a big deal - not because anyone is going to punish you for having an affair. It's really very simple. You have already admitted that you can't just have sex with him and have it be just sex. Because you are emotionally invested. What do you think will happen if you start a sexual relationship with him? You WILL get even more emotionally connected to him. That is a fact; one you have already admitted. The question you need to answer is this: Is it worth it to have sex with him, given the fact that you will eventually experience a great deal of pain as a cost to that decision when it all comes crashing down? Is his golden penis worth that much pain to you? If you are going into it thinking that you might end up with him in a relationship situation, please don't delude yourself because that won't happen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Not in an affair with me yet. Trying to understand his appeal as well so I can navigate away from him. Yes, you are in an emotional affair. You claim you have spent every day for the last 6 years thinking of him. That's an emotional affair. People who have married and divorced don't spend 6 years thinking of their ex after the divorce. I think you want us to believe you have pined for him for 6 years in order to give you justification for having sex with him, you know, since it has been 6 long years of longing. I think you are also rewriting the history because there is a reason for the break-up such as him finding someone else to be with. He never told me any of the above. Just like he never told me he was married. I only found out he was married via a selfie. When confronted he initially continued to deny, but then fessed up. I found out about their relationship via independent sources. He doesn't! Even know that I know they work for the same company. Their company employee directory doesn't lie. So he lied and lies to you. You decided to do some investigating to find out more about him and his life. And he still lies to you. So when he says he has thought about you every day for the last 6 years, why do you believe that? So you believe he was thinking about you while having sex with his wife? On their wedding day? Honeymoon? And you believe this? Why? Nope. Not taking credit for his bad behavior. If not me, then it would be someone else. So you know it isn't anything special between you two - like you stated before? If not with you, he'd sext with someone else? Never understood the allure of sexting with someone; sounds very juvenile to me and actually pretty stupid because nothing is private once you put it out there. You are gonna do what you are gonna do. Not one person attacked you. You just don't like the comments; yet you posted on this website for some reason. People who have been in your shoes have told you "don't do it". You most likely won't listen to that advice. These same people also felt there was something "special and unique" about their affairs and ... there wasn't. You say you don't care about his wife cause she was married and cheated with him...considering you haven't talked to her about it (or him for that matter since he lied about being married) you have no idea what her situation was. BUT, he stayed with her and married her; not you. You are all wrapped up in him and wanting something from him (attention, ego stroking, sex, whatever) to the point that you say your heart hurts....not sure why you refuse to see that you are in an emotional affair. Emotional affairs can be more damaging than physical ones; but I guess in your mind, until you touch him in person, it isn't an affair. You also can't say you would be cool with a future husband sexting with someone - you actually at this point can only assume how it would affect you. Personally, I don't see why you are choosing to waste more of your life pining away for some married dude. But its your life and your decision on the next steps. I have a feeling you will be back in a few months, posting about 'being in love' and being the hidden mistress and how much it sucks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 The ball is in your court to be a sidepiece to have sex with and nothing else. To be his dirty little secret. That's what he thinks your worth. If he felt anymore than lust, he would have made that clear. He's an out and out liar. You know this, so why walk over the hot coals with no shoes. He's telling you, you're not worth more than being a romp in the hay. Sorry to be blunt, but this guy is NO GOOD. He's already helped break up one marriage. He's shown his character. After wrecking her marriage, you'd think she was 'the one' . He'll never change because with him cheating is in his blood. Tell him your worth more and BLOCK HIM.M 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 1. Can we stop referencing his "Golden Penis". Hearing about it is not helping me to forget about it. 2. I did not choose to pin for him for 6 years. It's just happened organically. 3. I don't care about his wife's 1st marriage circumstances. She was married. They carried on a workplace affair for 2-3 years. She left her husband & married my Ex. The facts are the facts. I am not writing in this forum for her benefit. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 1. Can we stop referencing his "Golden Penis". Hearing about it is not helping me to forget about it. 2. I did not choose to pin for him for 6 years. It's just happened organically. 3. I don't care about his wife's 1st marriage circumstances. She was married. They carried on a workplace affair for 2-3 years. She left her husband & married my Ex. The facts are the facts. I am not writing in this forum for her benefit. Nor yours apparently. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Nor yours apparently. Good luck to you. Yep, I'm out too. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I thought the original post was to help you get your head on straight and understand the sexton giant good for you or him/his marriage...? But now it looks like you want a cheering section and validation to cheat with him by furthering this mess by having sex again. I doubt many here will encourage you to do that. What do you really want help with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 I thought the original post was to help you get your head on straight and understand the sexton giant good for you or him/his marriage...? But now it looks like you want a cheering section and validation to cheat with him by furthering this mess by having sex again. I doubt many here will encourage you to do that. What do you really want help with? No where in any of my posts did I indicate that I was giving in to the temptation of having sex with him. I am not looking for an approval or green light to do so. What I had hope to express is the struggle I am having in avoiding the pitfall so many have already expressed they have made. The problem here is perspective. Most advice is given from the vantage point of climbing out of the hell they have created & and I'm looking into that hell hole trying to keep from falling in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 No where in any of my posts did I indicate that I was giving in to the temptation of having sex with him. I am not looking for an approval or green light to do so. What I had hope to express is the struggle I am having in avoiding the pitfall so many have already expressed they have made. The problem here is perspective. Most advice is given from the vantage point of climbing out of the hell they have created & and I'm looking into that hell hole trying to keep from falling in. Lol. You're already in it. Sexting. Phone calls. Pining for 6 years? Please.You're no better than the rest of us. Only difference is that at least we have some self awareness and aren't lying to ourselves about what this really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Lol. You're already in it. Sexting. Phone calls. Pining for 6 years? Please.You're no better than the rest of us. Only difference is that at least we have some self awareness and aren't lying to ourselves about what this really is. No need to get defensive. I don't think I'm better, I'm just in a different place. Yes, all of the above is true, sexting, pinning, phone calls...lawd have mercy. But I have not given him the one thing he wants most. So yes, my awareness is different than yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 No need to get defensive. I don't think I'm better, I'm just in a different place. Yes, all of the above is true, sexting, pinning, phone calls...lawd have mercy. But I have not given him the one thing he wants most. So yes, my awareness is different than yours. Your ex-MM is not staying awake at night thinking about having sex with you. It's not the "one thing he wants most". The same isn't true on your end. You aren't in a different place than anyone here at the very beginning stages. You just have no idea yet what you are getting into. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 No need to get defensive. I don't think I'm better, I'm just in a different place. Yes, all of the above is true, sexting, pinning, phone calls...lawd have mercy. But I have not given him the one thing he wants most. So yes, my awareness is different than yours. Lol. Not defensive at all. Amused at the level of denial. Like I said. Best of luck. Popcorn is on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Your ex-MM is not staying awake at night thinking about having sex with you. It's not the "one thing he wants most". The same isn't true on your end. His 1:00am, 2:00am text messages would suggest other wise. But if you think not....OK. Link to post Share on other sites
blackgnat Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 For the love of God, just have sex with him already! You are not listening to ANY advice here. Then come back and post about how you feel... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 For the love of God, just have sex with him already!. Now that is truly funny. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 He wants you in the cheap seat. Is that what you want? Is that all you think you are worth? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 1. Can we stop referencing his "Golden Penis". Hearing about it is not helping me to forget about it. 2. I did not choose to pin for him for 6 years. It's just happened organically. 3. I don't care about his wife's 1st marriage circumstances. She was married. They carried on a workplace affair for 2-3 years. She left her husband & married my Ex. The facts are the facts. I am not writing in this forum for her benefit. It didn't just happen organically, people choose to obsess, compare and think/remember. I could be wrong but it seems like you fed your own feelings for him and kept it alive for those years you were apart. Maybe you didn't want to let go of him and grieve the loss, get him out of your heart. Did you ever try counseling to help you get over him? Yes facts are facts, she chose to leave and be with your ex. He didn't force her just like he's not forcing you to read and respond to his sexting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 No where in any of my posts did I indicate that I was giving in to the temptation of having sex with him. I am not looking for an approval or green light to do so. What I had hope to express is the struggle I am having in avoiding the pitfall so many have already expressed they have made. The problem here is perspective. Most advice is given from the vantage point of climbing out of the hell they have created & and I'm looking into that hell hole trying to keep from falling in. Then tell him to stop texting/sexting you. Block him. Make it impossible for him to contact you again. Cut him out of your life. You don't want an affair, then don't have one. Don't put yourself in the situation with him where you're tempted. He knows how to push your buttons, you're weak around him. If showed up at your doorstep what would you do? Get help, seek counseling if you really don't want the affair with him. Coming here is fine to vent and get advice but nothing will change unless you take full control and do something about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 You sound bored. Dawdling over this guy is just a distraction. Go No Contact and put your heart and mind into something that benefits you for the long term. Train for a triathlon. Get a degree in something you’ve always been curious about. Work for a cause you feel passionate about. Stop fixating on him and move back to you and your life and YOUR long term health and happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 His 1:00am, 2:00am text messages would suggest other wise. But if you think not....OK. The thing is that sex is all he wants. He has already decided once before that he didn't want to marry or have a long term relationship with you. Whats changed? If he truly believed he made a mistake, he would be filing for divorce so he could be with you. Doesn't appear he's doing that. If you don't care about just being used for sex then go for it. Otherwise, you need to block him and move on with your life or tell him to let you know when he is divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 The thing is that sex is all he wants. He has already decided once before that he didn't want to marry or have a long term relationship with you. Harsh, but true. Hope you've changed your tune, Juno. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 So this is what he has said: He can't sleep. He thinks about me day & night. Has said he is sorry for hurting me (6 years ago) and that he loves me. I told him he has to stop or I will tell his wife. He said go right ahead. His marriage is nothing but a piece of paper & if I do, it may release him. I want to believe this is about his passion for me, but more and more he is just sounding like a sexual frustrated and angry married man. ... But my heart still hurts for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 He won't do the dirty work and wants you to do it for him. Coward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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