Author Juno Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 So you want to lower yourself to your ex's level by having an affair? That makes you no better. But hey, if you can live with yourself, look yourself in the eye in the mirror, have a good nights sleep, go ahead and have that affair with him. She must have been ready to leave and divorce her H because nobody can force anybody else to do that. Like you having the A, he can't force you to, only you can decide for yourself. He's not holding a gun to your head and he certainly didn't hold a gun to her head telling her to divorce her H for him. How do you know all of that is even true since he's been out of your life for 6 years? How do you know he's telling you the truth? He never told me any of the above. Just like he never told me he was married. I only found out he was married via a selfie. When confronted he initially continued to deny, but then fessed up. I found out about their relationship via independent sources. He doesn't! Even know that I know they work for the same company. Their company employee directory doesn't lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 You do not need to understand his appeal, you can navigate yourself away from him without knowing. Can you not see he is manipulating you exactly how he manipulated his (now) wife? You say you have no sympathy for her but you're making the exact same mistake she made by allowing him close to you. Only difference is, you're not married to someone else. Geez, does this guy have a golden c... or something? Is he the King? All I see is a disgusting man who thinks so highly of himself and has no respect for his wife, no respect for you, and probably has no respect for women in general. Yuck. Yes in my mind he does have a golden c... He is the standard which I compare all others. In other words, he is the best sex I have ever had and I want to experience it aga, but necessarily under the existing conditions. This is why it it so difficult to pull away. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Yes in my mind he does have a golden c... He is the standard which I compare all others. In other words, he is the best sex I have ever had and I want to experience it aga, but necessarily under the existing conditions. This is why it it so difficult to pull away. Well, you will just have to go for it then. You've received a ton of excellent advice and frankly you don't seem to be hearing any of it. Good luck. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Yes in my mind he does have a golden c... He is the standard which I compare all others. In other words, he is the best sex I have ever had and I want to experience it aga, but necessarily under the existing conditions. This is why it it so difficult to pull away. You probably should get out more 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 He never told me any of the above. Just like he never told me he was married. I only found out he was married via a selfie. When confronted he initially continued to deny, but then fessed up. I found out about their relationship via independent sources. He doesn't! Even know that I know they work for the same company. Their company employee directory doesn't lie. Great character he has eh? Great qualities to have in a long term partner. Someone you can trust, rely on and know they'll always have your back. Yes in my mind he does have a golden c... He is the standard which I compare all others. In other words, he is the best sex I have ever had and I want to experience it aga, but necessarily under the existing conditions. This is why it it so difficult to pull away. There's more than hot/best sex in a relationship. But hey if that's what you want, go for it. Eyes wide open, you know who he is and what he's about so don't cry and blame him when hurts you, continues to lie to you and makes you lose who you are, your value system etc. You'll have nobody to blame but yourself. Well, you will just have to go for it then. You've received a ton of excellent advice and frankly you don't seem to be hearing any of it. Good luck. Well said, I doubt what Hope has said. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 It sounds as though you have already made up your mind. Prepare yourself for all the fun you are going to have with the inevitable drama. Your roller coaster ride has hardly begun. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I'll put on the popcorn. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Well said, I doubt what Hope has said. Good luck. Sorry that's supposed to say double, not doubt! I double what Hope has said. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I am learning that MM like to be "friends", not because it's a true friendship, but because they want to maintain and "in" to the affair (of course only whenever he chooses). I liken it to keeping a pilot lit. The only way to extinguish it and gain control is to respond to him with the above. He will realize that unless he is divorced, there is nothing for him to gain. Here, here. I also that MM like to stay "friends" because it allows them to maintain the illusion that they are "good guys." It's as if they are saying, "Hey...I'm not a bad guy! My AP is still my friend. We're on good terms! Cuz I'm a good guy and we're mature like that." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Your thread title states that you want to get your mind right. By the sound of your responses, that is actually the last thing you want to do. Everyone has tried their level best to help you put this potential disaster into perspective and you have continually insisted that we are mistaken, and that the sole factor tempting you is the sex. You care nothing about his wife and commitment to her, and you have argued that basically, until you find yourself actually having sex with him, you haven't crossed any boundaries. You don't want to get your mind right, and you don't want any of the constructive advice we have tried to give you. You will never stop obsessing about this guy until you actually, really, genuinely DO want to get him out of your life Every single negative trait he has, and every single negative aspect of this situation, even spelt out to you, in black and white, has not had one single iota of effect on you. So the only course of action left to you, is to throw caution to the wind (not that there seems to be any caution on your part, sadly) and have sex with him. We'll all be here when you stagger, battered bruised and bleeding from the totally predictable and inevitable car crash, and we in all probability WILL tell you "We told you so." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I know you all are giving good advice. I should follow every word to the letter. I can't help to think we may have something special. I have not seen him in six years, but in those 6 years there had not been a single day that I have not thought about him, pined for him. Not a single day in 6 years. He has shared he felt the same. Should I commit another 6 years to this agony? Tell me how to purge him from my thoughts & heart. He shared he has felt the same....... okay, so why haven't he done anything for the past 6 years? All he did was bonk someone else's wife AND married her AND kept it from you when you reconnected. Are you sure you are thinking even logically now? If it is just sex as you said then why are you hesitating? It is evident you are already into him emotionally. You came here seeking for advice and you got plenty of good ones which you don't accept. What do any of us here gain from stopping you from making a mistake? He lied about being married. You are considering an A which essentially is also a lie. So its a lie within a lie (and you barely even got started). I believe if this goes on, you're gonna find yourself with even more deception that's gonna just devastate you when you are in too deep. By then, I'll quote another poster and welcome you to your personal "world of crazy". I'll make a last ditch effort here and ask you to please weigh all the pros (if any) and cons that you have gathered here. If the golden c*** is so irresistable, then don't bother asking for opinions when people meant well. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I truly want him out of my mind. Pouf...like magic have no feelings for him, but how can I when he says things like: "I am not done with you yet. I want to make it with you over and over again." May not sound like the most romantic statement, but it does sound like fun. I told you my mind is not right:(. It may sound like fun now but the heartache and potential damage this will cause him and his wife is not going to be fun. Not to mention the heartache for you, why would you even choose to go down this path of destruction? You guys have been doing this on/off contact for the last 6 years, maybe its the chase that excites you, and the promise of excitement once things get moving. If you believe you're not in the right frame of mind, then hold off getting it on with this guy until you have sorted yourself out and is of sound mind. You don't want to knowingly jump off the clip on this life-changing decision. The ambulance in your case can be moved from the bottom of the cliff right to the top. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Nope. I reject that statement. Not in an affair. Has he told his wife that he has been sexting with you & asking you for sex? Does she know that he's "not done with you yet"? If not, it's an affair. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) I have always given him a pass on the things he says because he is socially awkward & has a genius iq which odd. I thought the same exact thing about my xOM. He was really smart and socially awkward. With time and perspective, however, I realized he knew exactly what he was saying. He was being a world class jerk. On purpose to manipulate. Don't excuse him for his poor behavior. Edited May 8, 2015 by Bittersweetie 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Not sure if it helped the OP, but it sure helped me. Thanks Southern. Sorry, Goldie, I know that was a little more harsh than my usual style. With experience has hopefully come wisdom and a whole hell of a lot of cynicism Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 How were you not offended by this? "I am not done with you yet"? As if it is HIS decision and you're just supposed to go along with it? I would have told him to go fry ice in hell. And that second line? Not even gonna touch it. Not offended. Find it hillarious when a socially inapt person tries to exhibit swagger. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Not offended. Find it hillarious when a socially inapt person tries to exhibit swagger. I think you're now trying to make this into a situation where you act like you don't give AF about him and are just using him for his golden penis. But you've already acknowledged how emotionally invested in him you are. You should be disgusted that anyone would say what he said to you, especially someone who claims to care about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 You probably should get out more Haha. Yes I probably should. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Has he told his wife that he has been sexting with you & asking you for sex? Does she know that he's "not done with you yet"? If not, it's an affair. I really don't get why you all keep trying to label this as an affair. I have not seen him, touched him in 6 years. Did you not read the part when I said we were sexting but I ended it because I was not into it 100%. I don't consider it an affair unless there is execution of physical behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) I really don't get why you all keep trying to label this as an affair. I have not seen him, touched him in 6 years. Did you not read the part when I said we were sexting but I ended it because I was not into it 100%. I don't consider it an affair unless there is execution of physical behavior. And you would be wrong. Why don't you do a little read up on EA (emotional affairs) and the damage they single handedly cause with no sex invovled. You might not consider it an affair, but when (not if) his wife finds out she will consider it an affair. Then she will treat him like he was in an affair. Then he will kick you to the curb like you were in an affair. So call it what you want...it all leads to the same pain. Also... lose the "I don't care, i just want to bang this social inept guy, cuz it's so cute when his akward self tries to be cool and smooth" attitude. It's not helping you. You already dropped the gem of your heart hurting over him and his words. 'Nuff said. Edited May 8, 2015 by goodgirlgonebad15 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 It's from HP, but it sums up sexting as cheating: A Look Inside The Insidious And Adulterous World Of Sexting Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 And you would be wrong. Why don't you do a little read up on EA (emotional affairs) and the damage they single handedly cause with no sex invovled. You might not consider it an affair, but when (not if) his wife finds out she will consider it an affair. Then she will treat him like he was in an affair. Then he will kick you to the curb like you were in an affair. So call it what you want...it all leads to the same pain. Also... lose the "I don't care, i just want to bang this social inept guy, cuz it's so cute when his akward self tries to be cool and smooth" attitude. It's not helping you. You already dropped the gem of your heart hurting over him and his words. 'Nuff said. Hence the title of my thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 It's from HP, but it sums up sexting as cheating: A Look Inside The Insidious And Adulterous World Of Sexting That article confused me even more... The article states...texting about have sex is not sexting, but sending pic and videos is sexting. Ugh. I will only use my phone to make calls so there is no confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 That article confused me even more... The article states...texting about have sex is not sexting, but sending pic and videos is sexting. Ugh. I will only use my phone to make calls so there is no confusion. Sexting definitely isn't limited to photos and videos. Did you read the part about where the H sent a chick a text that he wanted to F her and cum on her tits, and that that was an A and his W left him because of it? Crossing intimate boundaries intended only for your spouse is infidelity. He's cheating, and it's because of you that he's able to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juno Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Sexting definitely isn't limited to photos and videos. Did you read the part about where the H sent a chick a text that he wanted to F her and cum on her tits, and that that was an A and his W left him because of it? Crossing intimate boundaries intended only for your spouse is infidelity. He's cheating, and it's because of you that he's able to do it. Nope. Not taking credit for his bad behavior. If not me, then it would be someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
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