Latest - Co-Worker Affair

[Diezel]

All I've read in this thread and the other:

 

 

(1) Excuses

(2) OP trying to convince herself through LS that she really is done with AP

(3) OP trying to convince herself through LS that she really can fix a marriage that she blatantly destroyed

(4) OP failing at #2 and #3

 

Sure, it's easy NOT to post, but there has been NO progress since this all started. She didn't go to that event thinking that she was past this. That's just what she posted. She secretly was hoping that it might happen again, that something... ANYTHING might happen, even after posting about her "progress".

 

Whether it's with this guy or the next one, it won't end til she is caught.

[fellini]

 

Whether it's with this guy or the next one, it won't end til she is caught.

 

Like almost all infidelities. Truly I can imagine that a number of waywards (albeit they don't come in here to post during this phase) go through exactly the same process as G. They tell themselves, some at least, every day they head back home after some sex with AP that the sh-t has got to stop. That the affair is out of control. H is going to see it on her face. Blah blah blah, but they get home and no one is the wiser and they say, hey, wow, didn't get caught, and take the next text message for a hookup and off they go.

 

It is imaginable that many cheaters actually dedicate about 5 minutes a week in thinking about what they are doing and realizing they are on a sinking ship. But they choose not to do what needs to be done about it.

 

As I have said, the only difference with G and the others is the others wait UNTIL the BS finds out to come in here and ask advice on how to save their marriage.

 

Giraffe is not ready to save her marriage because she, as you rightly point out, is not ready to save herself. That we have insight into how a woman stays in a destructive, and in this case, pathetic affair - because it has ZERO future written on it - is nonetheless revealing for me. In the end the meaning is what it is: the pull to the affair partner outweighs any and all logical, reasonable, moral, health related completely sound advice to stop.

 

Until she gets caught. Or like my WW, tells me about it when I bring up a red flag I saw, because she needed me to make the decision to stop the affair - or kick her out. She was never going to make that decision 100% by herself, and go through with it.

Edited May 5, 2015 by fellini

[Akheron]

It's my sincere hope that Giraffe's next post includes some sort of concrete plan to move forward. Something. Anything. This "avoidance" policy that she seems to think is ok ain't working. At all.

 

She's been given great advice and steps to take and I hope she finally takes heed. But why do I feel like I'm about to experience another facepalm moment.

[Giraffe2014]

Hi Everyone,

Very limited, to no contact with AP since the beginning of the month. He messaged me one night (Drunk I’d say) and I just ignored him. That message won’t be mentioned again by either of us.

He’s away on holidays with his girlfriend this weekend for a couple of weeks and I am away with husband for a few days also. We won’t see each other again until early next month which is a big relief because it makes life a lot easier for me to be honest. The more I detach from AP, the more I feel like the old me. I know that social situations together are out of the question; without exception and I already made alternative plans for the next one (This removes temptation to go last minute). If I remove myself from these situations they will eventually no longer be a problem and the icing on the cake would be if one of us finds a new job soon.

I absolutely DO NOT love cokehead more than my family. My actions have seemed that way for sure. I let myself fall prey to him and on occasions hunted him as much as he did me. He did this before, he will do it forever. It was my first time doing it and I found it harder to deal with and move on. I have to see this as a strength and not weakness, for a long time I was wallowing in rejection and self-pity.

My action plan is NC. No interaction in work and most certainly none outside. A new project came up in work with his and my name all over it and I put together a plan to have a colleague step in instead, I over exaggerated another work commitment and it was accepted. That buys me at least 2 months not working direct with him. This is what will work for me. As long as I keep talking to him in any shape or form I am connected to him emotionally. If we co-exist without contact it will be like we don’t work together. I will not tell my husband about the affair, but I do know that if I keep up this madness he will find out and I will ruin my life for nothing.

Fellini – Your last post was so so true. All this time I thought the affair was over, but as you pointed out, it has yet to end. I mark the end as this month. This is the month I will be strong and its not even proving to be as hard as previous months. This month will spill over to next, and so on and I am confident that by the end of the summer I can reflect and truly say “Its been 3, 4 months NC”. Until I can abstain for a long period of time this will never really end.

HereNorthere – I never once even tried coke! LOL, just want to highlight that point! AP takes it all the time, he never admits this to me but I hear it on the grapevine and via others. He does it whenever he drinks apparently.

I know my posting here is not usual, people usually post after the fact. Again, I never wanted to hurt or annoy anyone, just to talk about my situation, be advised and maybe people here have learned from me too.

Merrmeade – You are right, I became addicted to the fantasy of the affair. Could I have forseen have it would consume and swallow me up I’d have kicked it to the curb when it knocked on my door. Instead I let it happen, when my guard was down believing I control everything else in my life, why not this? I never thought a simple man such as AP would be hard to shake off, but to the point I believe it’s the situation I loved and not him. He, to me is the worst kind of man you could ever commit to! I can see now I’ve done nothing to make this stop. I naively thought that if I stopped having sex with him and contact outside of work it would fizzle and go away. But any contact at all has kept it alive and strong. I am fighting back with NC and I learned my lesson. This is never to happen again, not with AP, not with anyone.

[SoulStorm]

Hi Everyone,

Very limited, to no contact with AP since the beginning of the month. He messaged me one night (Drunk I’d say) and I just ignored him. That message won’t be mentioned again by either of us.

He’s away on holidays with his girlfriend this weekend for a couple of weeks and I am away with husband for a few days also. We won’t see each other again until early next month which is a big relief because it makes life a lot easier for me to be honest. The more I detach from AP, the more I feel like the old me. I know that social situations together are out of the question; without exception and I already made alternative plans for the next one (This removes temptation to go last minute). If I remove myself from these situations they will eventually no longer be a problem and the icing on the cake would be if one of us finds a new job soon.

I absolutely DO NOT love cokehead more than my family. My actions have seemed that way for sure. I let myself fall prey to him and on occasions hunted him as much as he did me. He did this before, he will do it forever. It was my first time doing it and I found it harder to deal with and move on. I have to see this as a strength and not weakness, for a long time I was wallowing in rejection and self-pity.

My action plan is NC. No interaction in work and most certainly none outside. A new project came up in work with his and my name all over it and I put together a plan to have a colleague step in instead, I over exaggerated another work commitment and it was accepted. That buys me at least 2 months not working direct with him. This is what will work for me. As long as I keep talking to him in any shape or form I am connected to him emotionally. If we co-exist without contact it will be like we don’t work together. I will not tell my husband about the affair, but I do know that if I keep up this madness he will find out and I will ruin my life for nothing.

Fellini – Your last post was so so true. All this time I thought the affair was over, but as you pointed out, it has yet to end. I mark the end as this month. This is the month I will be strong and its not even proving to be as hard as previous months. This month will spill over to next, and so on and I am confident that by the end of the summer I can reflect and truly say “Its been 3, 4 months NC”. Until I can abstain for a long period of time this will never really end.

HereNorthere – I never once even tried coke! LOL, just want to highlight that point! AP takes it all the time, he never admits this to me but I hear it on the grapevine and via others. He does it whenever he drinks apparently.

I know my posting here is not usual, people usually post after the fact. Again, I never wanted to hurt or annoy anyone, just to talk about my situation, be advised and maybe people here have learned from me too.

Merrmeade – You are right, I became addicted to the fantasy of the affair. Could I have forseen have it would consume and swallow me up I’d have kicked it to the curb when it knocked on my door. Instead I let it happen, when my guard was down believing I control everything else in my life, why not this? I never thought a simple man such as AP would be hard to shake off, but to the point I believe it’s the situation I loved and not him. He, to me is the worst kind of man you could ever commit to! I can see now I’ve done nothing to make this stop. I naively thought that if I stopped having sex with him and contact outside of work it would fizzle and go away. But any contact at all has kept it alive and strong. I am fighting back with NC and I learned my lesson. This is never to happen again, not with AP, not with anyone.

 

Good...Keep it up

[Akheron]

Hi Everyone,

Very limited, to no contact with AP since the beginning of the month.

 

Have you told him, either in person or in a letter, that you are to have NC with him?

 

He messaged me one night (Drunk I’d say) and I just ignored him. That message won’t be mentioned again by either of us.

He’s away on holidays with his girlfriend this weekend for a couple of weeks and I am away with husband for a few days also. We won’t see each other again until early next month which is a big relief because it makes life a lot easier for me to be honest.

 

If there is NC, how do you know what he is doing?

 

The more I detach from AP, the more I feel like the old me. I know that social situations together are out of the question; without exception and I already made alternative plans for the next one (This removes temptation to go last minute). If I remove myself from these situations they will eventually no longer be a problem and the icing on the cake would be if one of us finds a new job soon.

 

Are you still actively seeking another job? Is he?

 

I absolutely DO NOT love cokehead more than my family. My actions have seemed that way for sure. I let myself fall prey to him and on occasions hunted him as much as he did me. He did this before, he will do it forever. It was my first time doing it and I found it harder to deal with and move on. I have to see this as a strength and not weakness, for a long time I was wallowing in rejection and self-pity.

 

For someone that doesn't love AP more than your husband, you sure do seem to know a lot about what he is doing all the time. Didn't you also say in a previous post that you were detached from your husband?

 

My action plan is NC. No interaction in work and most certainly none outside.

 

Again, have you communicated this to the AP? If you haven't, this is just empty promises.

 

A new project came up in work with his and my name all over it and I put together a plan to have a colleague step in instead, I over exaggerated another work commitment and it was accepted. That buys me at least 2 months not working direct with him. This is what will work for me. As long as I keep talking to him in any shape or form I am connected to him emotionally.

 

But you said you didn't love the AP. How can you be connected emotionally, if you don't love him?

 

If we co-exist without contact it will be like we don’t work together. I will not tell my husband about the affair, but I do know that if I keep up this madness he will find out and I will ruin my life for nothing.

 

Considering the number of people that know about this, he will find out. Its just a matter of time. Better to come from you than to hear it over some water cooler chit chat.

 

Fellini – Your last post was so so true. All this time I thought the affair was over, but as you pointed out, it has yet to end. I mark the end as this month. This is the month I will be strong and its not even proving to be as hard as previous months. This month will spill over to next, and so on and I am confident that by the end of the summer I can reflect and truly say “Its been 3, 4 months NC”. Until I can abstain for a long period of time this will never really end.

 

Sorry, but we've heard this before. Not buying it.

 

HereNorthere – I never once even tried coke! LOL, just want to highlight that point! AP takes it all the time, he never admits this to me but I hear it on the grapevine and via others. He does it whenever he drinks apparently.

I know my posting here is not usual, people usually post after the fact. Again, I never wanted to hurt or annoy anyone, just to talk about my situation, be advised and maybe people here have learned from me too.

Merrmeade – You are right, I became addicted to the fantasy of the affair. Could I have forseen have it would consume and swallow me up I’d have kicked it to the curb when it knocked on my door. Instead I let it happen, when my guard was down believing I control everything else in my life, why not this? I never thought a simple man such as AP would be hard to shake off, but to the point I believe it’s the situation I loved and not him. He, to me is the worst kind of man you could ever commit to! I can see now I’ve done nothing to make this stop. I naively thought that if I stopped having sex with him and contact outside of work it would fizzle and go away. But any contact at all has kept it alive and strong. I am fighting back with NC and I learned my lesson. This is never to happen again, not with AP, not with anyone.

 

All of this says that you were and still are putting the AP before your husband.

[Cephalopod]

For someone who says she is not in love with her OM, why is it that he is all you talk about?

 

You only mention your husband once.

 

Wow.

[turnera]

I felt sick posting here, but I had to, I owed that to everyone who has advised me. I dont want pity, please dont slam me either, my life and heart are firmly in the gutter already

If that were true, you would have told your husband the truth by now.

 

Have you?

[turnera]

I was taking definitive action.

You could have told your boss, or the owner of the company, the truth, and asked to be kept separate.

[Giraffe2014]

I haven’t told my husband as I want my marriage to survive. If I told him he would never forgive me. I know my husband well. To another point, I do talk about AP here as this is the point of my post. Where I am with AP, and that part of my life. This is purposely done and in context of the whole conversation, where my life is at in regard to AP.

I cannot let the company boss know about the affair, this would achieve nothing and they do not have the power to help or make things better. Personally I have the power to ensure we are kept apart and I have a solid plan to do this until I get out of there and get a new job entirely.

Communicating NC to AP is something I’ve done in the past and he failed to honor. So now, NC means its me and my strength only. He makes contact and I ignore. He will soon get sick of being ignored.

I don’t love AP, never have. The emotional attachment happened very early on and cutting that off, for me was hard as I never connected with another man at that level outside of my husband. I let him in and I found it very hard to let him out again.

I do know know a lot of what goes on with AP in his life, this will never change even if we get different jobs, as we have mutual friends and in conversation are mentioned. EG, XX is off on hols next week his with GF, XX was away last week on a trip to such and such a place. Its workplace chitchat.

[Running Man]

So your going to leave your Husband in the dark on this the whole time? Why do you want to be with him? Is he the placeholder man you stay with to keep you company/comfortable until you find someone else? Do you need more time to exit out of the marriage without letting him know that you cheated to save face?

 

Seems to me that your only going to remove yourself from this situation only to repeat it again at your next location. You dont care how your actions effect other people. You take what you want and plan on avoiding the consequences of your actions. I not calling you names but your ACTIONS are Shi##y.

 

If someone ever lies to you or does you wrong. Don't be upset or demand justice. Just remember what your doing to your Husband on a daily basis and accept it as Karma.

[Morro72]

I haven’t told my husband as I want my marriage to survive. If I told him he would never forgive me.

 

I'm astonished by he number of things which my wife did not want me to know but which came out eventually in one way or another - sometimes fairly soon, sometimes a decade or two after the fact, but all in surprising, impossible-to-anticipate ways. Given what I've seen I would not assume that any secret will be kept forever and maybe not even for very long.

[Akheron]

I haven’t told my husband as I want my marriage to survive. If I told him he would never forgive me. I know my husband well. To another point, I do talk about AP here as this is the point of my post. Where I am with AP, and that part of my life. This is purposely done and in context of the whole conversation, where my life is at in regard to AP.

 

But by continuing to focus on your AP's where abouts and doings, you prevent yourself from focusing on your husband. Maybe if you began focusing your future postings on your husband and your feelings for him, then maybe this will help remove your 'emotional connection' from the AP. Of course this comes with the prerequisite that you want to focus on your husband.

 

I cannot let the company boss know about the affair, this would achieve nothing and they do not have the power to help or make things better. Personally I have the power to ensure we are kept apart and I have a solid plan to do this until I get out of there and get a new job entirely.

Communicating NC to AP is something I’ve done in the past and he failed to honor. So now, NC means its me and my strength only. He makes contact and I ignore. He will soon get sick of being ignored.

 

So then communicate it again. And do it in a manner that makes him understand that it is over. Get angry if you have to.

I don’t love AP, never have. The emotional attachment happened very early on and cutting that off, for me was hard as I never connected with another man at that level outside of my husband. I let him in and I found it very hard to let him out again.

I do know know a lot of what goes on with AP in his life, this will never change even if we get different jobs, as we have mutual friends and in conversation are mentioned. EG, XX is off on hols next week his with GF, XX was away last week on a trip to such and such a place. Its workplace chitchat.

 

Then remove yourself from the chit chat. Don't respond. Don't discuss.

 

Also, I hope for the sake of your marriage that you stay on good terms with the people at work that know of this affair. One disgruntled friend can cause your house of cards to collapse real fast.

Edited May 17, 2015 by Akheron

[tippydog90]

It takes an enormous amount of selfishness for you to state you are not telling your husband because you want your marriage to survive. So your husband is not entitled to make the decision as to whether he wants to remain in a marriage with a cheater? You are making that choice for him? That is the epitome of cruelty and selfishness.

[Bittersweetie]

I just wanted to say, that I was not going to tell my H about my A because I too didn't think our marriage would survive. My H, at that time, was a very angry person, and he'd carried a grudge against his mom for almost 20 years. So I didn't see how, if he found out, we'd stay together...if he couldn't forgive his own mom, how would he stay with me?

 

I confessed. And we're still together, over five years later. We even had a baby.

 

Not only did he give me a second chance, he also worked on his own issues. And I worked on myself and our relationship. It was not a cake walk, and I wish every day that I hadn't done what I did.

 

But the fact is that now we know all of each others truths. There are no secrets, no lies between us. Our relationship is on a level playing field which makes it healthy.

 

Maybe if you told your H he would divorce you. Maybe he would give you a chance. You don't know, even if you think you do, what he will do... But based on my experience, I can see no way of returning to a marriage with such a huge, intimate secret. Your marriage is no longer based on a level foundation.

 

Good luck.

[turnera]

About what I expected from you. You're a plain vanilla cheater who wants whatever she wants, with no consequences. You have no remorse, the only shame you feel is because things aren't turning out great for you. If your OM turned out to be this RICH, great man who fell in love with you and wasn't just using you for the PIV and wanted you to marry him, you would have left your husband in a heartbeat.

 

Because it's all about YOU.

 

Think about it.

 

Oh, and a REAL marriage is between two best friends who tell each other everything, share everything, forgive each other everything. What YOU have is a convenience.

[Noirek]

I really think you need a new job. Mcdonald's is a better option at this point.

[beach]

It really seems like you are trying to convince yourself by typing here - but you lack follow through on your word.

 

Why not stop trying to give yourself empty promises - and only do the action part of this equation?

 

And while you're at it - don't drink - it looks like you choose unwisely when you drink. So not drinking should help a bit.

 

And a new job too, like immediately.

 

Those would be a good start.

[Akheron]

"I haven’t told my husband as I want my marriage to survive."

 

Why?

[autumnnight]

"I haven’t told my husband as I want my marriage to survive."

 

Why?

 

Security, familiar, fear of being alone most likely.

[sammy7111]

Please post when husband finds out

[fellini]

And what, precisely was the distance in time between the day you started your secret and the day you told him?

 

According the the stats, even the bitter BS's here who use them to get other BS's NOT to reconcile, the chances are not 50/50, but about 95/05 weighing in on divorce within 3 years.

 

 

 

I just wanted to say, that I was not going to tell my H about my A because I too didn't think our marriage would survive. My H, at that time, was a very angry person, and he'd carried a grudge against his mom for almost 20 years. So I didn't see how, if he found out, we'd stay together...if he couldn't forgive his own mom, how would he stay with me?

 

I confessed. And we're still together, over five years later. We even had a baby.

 

Not only did he give me a second chance, he also worked on his own issues. And I worked on myself and our relationship. It was not a cake walk, and I wish every day that I hadn't done what I did.

 

But the fact is that now we know all of each others truths. There are no secrets, no lies between us. Our relationship is on a level playing field which makes it healthy.

 

Maybe if you told your H he would divorce you. Maybe he would give you a chance. You don't know, even if you think you do, what he will do... But based on my experience, I can see no way of returning to a marriage with such a huge, intimate secret. Your marriage is no longer based on a level foundation.

 

Good luck.

[Bittersweetie]

And what, precisely was the distance in time between the day you started your secret and the day you told him?

 

According the the stats, even the bitter BS's here who use them to get other BS's NOT to reconcile, the chances are not 50/50, but about 95/05 weighing in on divorce within 3 years.

 

Fellini, I'm not sure what you're asking? During the A I had no plans to tell my H, obviously. After it ended I thought about telling H but was afraid and selfish. Then I did. The time between the A ending and confession was just over three months.

[66Charger]

I have never wished ill on anyone except blood enemies, however, I, like probably 99% of the noncheaters on here , cant wait until you get busted. There is no doubt giraffe is the most pathetic cheater on this site.

 

This is a train wreck coming and everyone knows it except her.

[autumnnight]

I have never wished ill on anyone except blood enemies, however, I, like probably 99% of the noncheaters on here , cant wait until you get busted. There is no doubt giraffe is the most pathetic cheater on this site.

 

This is a train wreck coming and everyone knows it except her.

 

Her husband is going to find out. She's all over the map. I think she really wants to get caught so she won't have to tell.

 

BTW, welcome back