Latest - Co-Worker Affair

[jbrent890]

You can always walk away from the thread.

 

Is she obligated to take any advice from any strangers on the internet here? I don't think so.

 

And I didn't call what you or autumn said "slamming". But even you have to admit that there were a lot of really harsh character attacks on this thread, way beyond what was necessary.

 

Is it about attention? Who knows. But since we can't read minds, only words in a post, I choose to believe that she is trying. In a really bad place, but trying. Are people not redeemable when they say they want to change?

 

Besides her continually posting here, what has she done to make you believe she wants to change? I see the exact same women who first started posting here. She won't leave her job; she won't confess to her husband; she has been to seek counseling, but she hasn't made any strides towards that. The simplest thing she can do is avoid social situations with this guy, but she won't do that either. I'm sorry, but I just don't see it.

[autumnnight]

I have no idea why anyone would post to look for a reaction. From strangers. I cant see the point in that. Reporting on my actions and posting for me is writing it down and acknowledging it. If I had no feeling towards my actions I don’t think I would have posted here to begin with

There is ZERO doubt about what I have/am doing morally to my family. So clearly there is something very broken within me.

My girlfriend told me he was actively on the coke again Thurs night, not that she needed to, I know where he is concerned, that it’s a given. He just never mentions it to me as the very first night we were together I walked in on him and others getting ready to do it and made my feeling towards drugs perfectly clear. Zero tolerance.

I don’t want pity, but I feel like I am out of control. Of everything. I feel trapped. I cannot get out as easily as thought and if I’d known the enormity of this from the start…

I know I knew it was wrong from the start. But I control me and my life entirely and this has proven me wrong and has knocked me for six; its 6 plus months now and has taken a serious chip out of my soul and the character I always believed myself to be.

I am in a far worse place that I had ever imagined.

 

So take definitive action. And keep taking it. Posting words and trying to ignore him at are work not definitive action. Definitive action is honesty, no contact, accountability, counseling, true remorse.

[Hope Shimmers]

I have no idea why anyone would post to look for a reaction. From strangers. I cant see the point in that. Reporting on my actions and posting for me is writing it down and acknowledging it. If I had no feeling towards my actions I don’t think I would have posted here to begin with

There is ZERO doubt about what I have/am doing morally to my family. So clearly there is something very broken within me.

My girlfriend told me he was actively on the coke again Thurs night, not that she needed to, I know where he is concerned, that it’s a given. He just never mentions it to me as the very first night we were together I walked in on him and others getting ready to do it and made my feeling towards drugs perfectly clear. Zero tolerance.

I don’t want pity, but I feel like I am out of control. Of everything. I feel trapped. I cannot get out as easily as thought and if I’d known the enormity of this from the start…

I know I knew it was wrong from the start. But I control me and my life entirely and this has proven me wrong and has knocked me for six; its 6 plus months now and has taken a serious chip out of my soul and the character I always believed myself to be.

I am in a far worse place that I had ever imagined.

 

Okay, now you recognize you are in a dark and terrible place.

 

What are you going to DO about it? You have to take action. Do you see that?

 

You have to WANT to change. Do you? If so, then what is your plan to do it?

[Giraffe2014]

I was taking definitive action. As little contact as possible that two people could have in one office.

My salary is needed at home, until I can find another job I have to say, believe me I would be long gone otherwise.

After a month since the trip I felt strong. I acted strong till the final hurdle and fell again. I know I can never ever be around this guy in a social situation again.

[beach]

Why aren't you saying NO to every single event/gathering outside of work?

 

 

You are paid to work - not to socialize.

[Giraffe2014]

I said no. Until I felt like yes, I can do this now, 4 weeks on I can prove to me that I can work this job and be in his company and pull it off. And I did if only I went home after the club. Even at the party I felt "Safe" as he was "Gone Home". In fact he was calling round to see where I was at. Fools game, Never again.

[beach]

I said no. Until I felt like yes, I can do this now, 4 weeks on I can prove to me that I can work this job and be in his company and pull it off. And I did if only I went home after the club. Even at the party I felt "Safe" as he was "Gone Home". In fact he was calling round to see where I was at. Fools game, Never again.

 

Did you drink?

[Mr. Lucky]

Besides her continually posting here, what has she done to make you believe she wants to change? I see the exact same women who first started posting here. She won't leave her job; she won't confess to her husband; she has been to seek counseling, but she hasn't made any strides towards that. The simplest thing she can do is avoid social situations with this guy, but she won't do that either. I'm sorry, but I just don't see it.

 

Go into any casino, buffet or bar. In each, you'll see many people who know their actions are wrong - even dangerous - for them. For those folks, change is not that easy even though the benefits plain to see.

 

Doesn't make it right, just makes it difficult. And I think the OP is one of those WS that hopes she gets caught, allowing the turn of events to make her choice for her. Not an unusual situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

OP you said if you couldn't stop with OM you would walk away from your marriage, is that still your plan?

[AlwaysGrowing]

I was taking definitive action. As little contact as possible that two people could have in one office.

My salary is needed at home, until I can find another job I have to say, believe me I would be long gone otherwise.

After a month since the trip I felt strong. I acted strong till the final hurdle and fell again. I know I can never ever be around this guy in a social situation again.

 

Sorry,,,, I do not see little contact....then going onto to kissing and intimate talks as definitive action towards ending the affair. Most would view that as the opposite.

 

Let's be real here. You had a month of no physical contact, still work contact, month of mourning the affair partner....how could one say they felt they were strong enough to be in a bar setting (single) with their AP.?

 

Do you really understand the depth of your own issues? Or the breadth of work required to overcome them?

[SoulStorm]

Are you going to go to more social events where he will be ?

 

You have not effectively done any of the things you said you would do to stop this.

 

Stay away from the AP can't check that box

 

Get counseling can't check that box

 

No social interactions outside of work can't check that box

 

No more emotional attaching to AP can't check that box

 

Forming a better bond with your husband can't check that box

 

Getting a different job or transferring possibly trying but still can't check that box

 

Do you see how much progress you have made?

 

You can't resist that guy so you must stay away from him. but the sad truth is you don't really want to.

 

You are actively detaching from your husband to form an attachment to this cokehead loser.

 

All the AP has to do is pursue you just a little and you are putty in his hands.

 

Be a stronger woman than that

 

Have more respect for your self

 

If you can manage a team of people,, can't you manage yourself?

 

Sadly...the way things are going..you are going to leave your husband for this joke of a man and you will become a joke because of it.

 

Be better than that.....your character is the way it is because you are allowing it to be that way.

[Akheron]

Are you going to go to more social events where he will be ?

 

You have not effectively done any of the things you said you would do to stop this.

 

Stay away from the AP can't check that box

 

Get counseling can't check that box

 

No social interactions outside of work can't check that box

 

No more emotional attaching to AP can't check that box

 

Forming a better bond with your husband can't check that box

 

Getting a different job or transferring possibly trying but still can't check that box

 

Do you see how much progress you have made?

 

You can't resist that guy so you must stay away from him. but the sad truth is you don't really want to.

 

You are actively detaching from your husband to form an attachment to this cokehead loser.

 

All the AP has to do is pursue you just a little and you are putty in his hands.

 

Be a stronger woman than that

 

Have more respect for your self

 

If you can manage a team of people,, can't you manage yourself?

 

Sadly...the way things are going..you are going to leave your husband for this joke of a man and you will become a joke because of it.

 

Be better than that.....your character is the way it is because you are allowing it to be that way.

 

 

OP, read Soulstorm's post.

 

Now, reread it.

 

Now read it again.

 

You want the character bashing to stop, but you have shown time and time again that you have no character.

 

You say you have minimized contact, but your posts are full of statements about what the AP has been doing since bang week.

 

Even if you change jobs (which you won't do), you'll still seek out AP because you either lack the will or desire to stop.

 

Since its obvious you won't take the steps necessary to truly end this mess, why do you continue in your marriage. The only way this is going to end is if you finally come clean. My our husband and child deserve better. They deserve the truth.

[whichwayisup]

I felt sick posting here, but I had to, I owed that to everyone who has advised me. I dont want pity, please dont slam me either, my life and heart are firmly in the gutter already

 

You need to find a trust woman friend and open up to her, have some support offline, as well as seeking counseling to help you sort everything out in your life.

 

You're a lot stronger than you think so believe that.

[beach]

You can move. Tell your H you wish to move far away immediately.

[Running Man]

Nothing will change with this woman. She is too selfish to give a damn about her "Husband". Her "husband" needs to find out on his own for things to change. That man is screwed.

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, I think you came here out of a crisis of conscience. You're headed in the right direction. Keep going.

 

Speaking as a man that was horribly betrayed and horribly devastated, I actually don't think of infidelity as an unforgivable offense. The use of the word is going to bother some people here, but the reality is that you've made some very human mistakes. We all do. And I've made some doozies myself. But the mistakes don't need to define you. I think what defines us more is how we react to our mistakes. You've gone pretty deep into the rabbit hole. You can either keep going (as many do) or you can dig your way out. The choice is yours and it's one you make everyday. If you keep making decisions of which you can be proud, your self-pride will return.

[fellini]

I'll say it again OP. The only difference between your story and many others is that you are giving the LS community a play by play of your affair all the while trying to deal with it. A lot of stories from WS here begin at the point where you still haven't arrived.

 

Your affair did NOT end at the business meeting, it did not end at the social get together. It has YET to end.

 

Your affair is not over until you do something to end it, and feel that you actually have done the right thing. Lots of WS'S go a month, 2, 3 months with no contact with their AP, and pick up each opportunity they get.

 

You are clearly not able to have no contact. Nor is it clear you want no contact. Then there is the NO CONTACT (NC) when the affair is over. Have you communicated NC to your AP?

 

Just "avoiding" him is not NC. You cannot rely on him to help you through this, he is not going to do it. you must establish the boundaries, communicate them to him, and demand he respect them or there will be consequences.

 

The point is you are still in an affair despite your stated intentions not to be.

 

When you are ready,actually ready to end your affair, go NC (the real meaning) then you will probably get the support you need. I agree with another poster, you need someone in your workplace to assist you with NC. Communicate that to your AP and furthermore communicate what consequences you will employ if he approaches you for any non essential business issues.

 

But if your head is not in this, don't bother. You cannot tell him NC if you are going to kiss him in a bar. Wait until you get it that nothing is going to change by itself. When you really, really want this affair to end, it will. It is that simple.

 

One month avoiding him is nothing, you need 3 months genuine NC before you are going to be able to know where you stand with respect to being in the same office as this guy.

Edited May 3, 2015 by fellini

[Mr. Lucky]

The choice is yours and it's one you make everyday. If you keep making decisions of which you can be proud, your self-pride will return.

 

Agreed. The remedy for low self-esteem is to do esteemable things.

 

OP, never too late to start...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SoulStorm]

You can be a better person than this.....just start being that person.

 

You can feel so much better about yourself if you do.

[harrybrown]

Your A is an addiction.

 

You do not like drugs, no tolerance, I think you wrote.

 

But the A is an addiction like you are addicted to a bad drug.

 

And you are addicted. addicts get caught.

 

Before you have to cut off your H to have std tests performed again, there is a cold turkey approach, that is usually the only hope. The OM does not care for you, only for the sex.

 

It will be better for your H to find out from you rather than from someone else.

 

So write him a timeline of the affair, give him all the details, do not trickle truth and you will have reality shining on your addiction.

 

Better this way for your family.

[Mr. Lucky]

And you are addicted. addicts get caught.

 

For most addicts, that happens after they hit bottom. Never pretty and almost always devastatingly destructive to you and those around you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

You've stated that you make poor choices when you drink.

 

Did you drink at these functions?

 

Can you not drink?

 

 

Can you not attend any outside the office get togethers?

[sammy7111]

I hope that when your husband funds out that he will realizes that your truly not worth fighting for. I hope that he will be able to find help for his kids and his self to get over the damage you have put on his family.

[HereNorThere]

Ugh, I read your first post and was ready to congratulate you and by the time I got to the last page of the thread, you cheated again.

 

OP, just call it and put everyone out of their misery. I'm not going to bash or anything like that because by this point, everyone involved knows that it's just hopeless. Just call it and split up before you end up giving your husband a disease or get pregnant. Dude, it's over. No more excuses. Please, for the love of god, just take some sort of action. I know you're never going to confess, so just make something up about how you love him but you're not in love with him or something.

 

Otherwise, you're going to lose EVERYTHING. Your husband is going to totally fight you in the divorce, your Mother, Father, family, friends are all going to know about your coke problem and how you've been sleeping with a coke head. Your work will eventually fire you because of how bad you've made your company look and your kids is going to grow up knowing what happend, etc.

 

Just call it now. At least this way you get to go out without everyone knowing who you are. Otherwise, you're whole life is going to be destroyed forever. Ending it now gives you a chance at having a few people left in your life that love you. If your parents find out you did this your family, they'll never look at you the same way. Your kid will grow up so ashamed of where he came from. Your professional career will be toast. Your husband will be hurt for a while, but he'll actually end up the best out of all it. Your parents can't replace their daughter, your kid can't change his mom, but your husband sounds like a good enough guy that he'll eventfully be able to heal if he can find someone more morally compatible with himself.

 

Don't get me wrong, the moral thing to do is confess, but I think it's past being able to salvage anything now. The advice I'm giving you now is more about making sure you don't end up living under a bridge and never seeing your child again.

 

Good luck, OP. Truly, even if you don't realize it, you've helped a lot of people here. There are a lot of people here married to people with similar personalities, but they never get a glimpse into who they truly are. You've given them that opportunity and I think that's a noble thing. Thank you for your honesty.

Edited May 5, 2015 by HereNorThere

[merrmeade]

I said no. Until I felt like yes, I can do this now, 4 weeks on I can prove to me that I can work this job and be in his company and pull it off. And I did if only I went home after the club. Even at the party I felt "Safe" as he was "Gone Home". In fact he was calling round to see where I was at. Fools game, Never again.

I don't get it. Not you, Giraffe - them. This is so much bullsh-t. I'm sure you realize that a lot more than you let on.

 

But I'm just so surprised at everyone else, taking you so seriously, at your word, as if you really are simply the sad, guilt-ridden person who's confessing to us and that's all there is to you. They just have to keep reminding you of the good things you said you wanted and, with our help, you'll pull yourself out gradually.

 

But it's not that simple is it, G? That's just what you're showing us. Not that I think you're conniving or in control. Not at all. I agree that you and your AP are consumed by this sexual and romantic addiction/fantasy when you're around each other. Your conscience knows it's wrong and wants you to do all the right things.

 

Maybe that's why you keep posting. When you write about yourself, whether condemning yourself for having fallen yet again or listing your good intentions (which you never act on effectively), you feel better that someone believes you, believes you're really sorry and want to be the good wife. But I think that's all there is to it since you obviously don't have the conviction to follow through. I don't believe you really want to stop since posting on LS is all you seem to have done to help yourself.

 

I live with a liar who never thinks of himself as a liar but sees himself as really a good person at heart who, because of circumstances and personal vulnerabilities, made a few mistakes. He believed that every time he had an affair. He also, like you, has no other reference or ability to stand apart and take definitive steps to change the situation or himself. He doesn't know what he doesn't know and doesn't care as long as he can avoid exposure and public shame.

 

Therefore, the lying happens every time you deny what you feel - about the AP, about your husband - and try to paint another reality with words that do not fit what's happening, what you're feeling and what you end up doing.

 

So that's why I say that this? All this posturing? It's bullsh-t pure and simple. You won't change posting on LS. It won't happen until you've been caught. And even then, you'll be in survival mode. It won't be real change unless you take a number of major steps. Not happening, is it?