Latest - Co-Worker Affair

[Akheron]

What was the outcome of the STD test? Pregnancy test? I hope, for the sake of your child, that your test comes back negative.

[DKT3]

Your marriage is OVER, not because of the affair, but because you don't love, respect or trust your husband enough to put your big girl panties on roll your sleeves up and get to work on the hard stuff.

 

That wall you speak of is built with bricks of lies and betrayal. As long as you are hiding those thing will hold that wall strong.

 

In my honest opinion, I think you would be better served to just end it, from what you've posted here, I don't see it in you to stand and fight.

[oldshirt]

Giraffe is your BH an attractive man? Could he find women who would be willing to date him if you recommended to him that you have an open marriage?

 

I don't advocate open marriages, but I just don't see you being a monogamous wife from this point on. You already have a taste for going outside the marriage for extra fun. Your BH obviously does not ring your bell sexually. I just don't see how you will be able to stay true to BH from this point onwards having tasted the forbidden fruit...so to speak.

 

If you don't have the balls (ovaries?) to break it off with your H and move on and don't have the scruples to address it head-on in MC, then I also agree that you should approach him about open marriage.

 

At least with open marriage he will know there are other men in the picture and will at least keep his toenails and ear hair trimmed. And he will know that you are screwing other people and will be able to protect himself from STDs etc.

 

And for all you know, it may also give you two some common interests and something to talk about.

 

He may not relish the idea of an open marriage but he will like that 10,000 times better than being cheated on all the time and at least he may have an opportunity to score some on the side too, what's good for the goose is good for the gander after all.

 

I agree with 'Wasted, monogamy is not in your nomenclature any more and is doomed to fail as it stands now. Since monogamy isn't in your make up, and you seem resistant to setting him free, open marriage is the least destructive path that you have available.

 

Divorce will probably still be inevitable at some point but by then the marriage will probably die with a whimper and be be reasonably amicable and cooperative a opposed to with bombs and explosions when you get caught cheating again.

[Marchhare]

Aliveagain- Wrong forum alright I’d say. DKT3-UNTIL I get a new job, zero interaction is not an option. We work in the same office, inevitably our paths cross whether we like it or not. Ignoring each other isn’t an option either, this would only make colleagues suspicious.

 

Your work colleagues already know. You told us yourself that you are the joke of the office for doing what you did. So why worry now? They probably would admire you if you did ignore him, but guess what YOU CAN'T.

 

As for feeling bad for my husband? Hell ya, I am so eaten up I am finding it hard to get back to normal life. I thought I had control of this, that it would be a few weeks fun

 

I don't think you feel bad. All your rhetoric on this site contradicts this. You didn't want a normal life when you initiated the A, you didn't want a normal life when you had the opportunity not to cheat on the trip, you selfishly wanted a few weeks of fun at the expense of your BH, and child. Now that AP is playing with someone new, you have the audacity to say you feel bad for your H? I guarantee if AP snaps his fingers you will be lying with him again because you don't want it to end. Normal for you is defined by your not wanting to stop when every opportunity presented itself. Quit lying to yourself.

 

My selfishness has destroyed what I had in my marriage. Absolutely. I am afraid I can’t get that back, I am struggling so hard to take down that wall I single handily built. I expected to be able to walk away after that work trip and all to be fine.

 

Your selfishness wanted to cheat. Admit it, you wanted to screw around with your AP on this last trip. You had absolutely no intentions to right the ship, and be a faithful spouse. You deliberately set out to destroy your marriage for your own selfish gratification. Be honest and tell the truth. Remember you said, you never lie, yet you've been caught in so many. You can't take down the wall until you decide to tell your BH. The animosity will increase and the wall will get taller and thicker. So yes your selfishness destroyed the beauty you had with your BH, and child, and it continues to do so because you still desire AP; your continuous infatuation with his comings and goings, and what girl is on his arm at the moment proves that point. You had the courage to sleep with AP and the courage to keep it going, but now lack the courage to tell BH. I hope AP was worth the destruction.

 

We don’t setout to hurt our partners, but of course through our selfish acts we hurt them the most as well as our children. And it is the ultimate betrayal, a horrific act of a true narcissist. Which clearly I am.

 

You most certainly did set out to hurt your BH. You wrote on this site how strong you would be, how you wouldn't sleep with AP on that trip. What did you do? Read your earlier quote, "I thought I had control of this, that it would be a few weeks fun" You had control, so you most certainly did intend to hurt your BH. True narcissism.

You lied to yourself then and are lying now. You had no intention of NOT cheating, so you most certainly made the conscious choice to set out and hurt your BH, and child.

Now because of your narcissism and selfishness the spark is gone from your marriage. Your BH is a roommate. The intimacy is no more. You made the choice to sleep with AP, YOU DID. Now you may have infected your BH. When you posted here on LS, you had no intention of NOT entertaining AP on that trip. All your words were lies, and OP your marriage is nothing more than a big lie at this moment.

If you were not so selfish and took the advice here, and did not have sex on that trip, then I would believe differently.

So yes OP you deliberately set out to hurt your BH, and child.

You won't get another job, and you are still so infatuated with AP that you know when he leaves, you tell us his expressions, you are constantly eying him. Because as I mentioned before you are waiting for him to snap his fingers so you can get in his saddle again because you want the hot sex over your child, and your BH.

 

Quit lying and be honest for once. Do the right thing and allow your BH the choice to either work with you, or dump you.

You had the courage to betray, now have the courage to heal.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Marchhare

[obtuseedge]

Giraffe,

 

I'm not here to judge you. I'm curious about your relationship with your husband. You say that his mind is like that of the movie "Beautiful Mind", would you say that he is a bit of an eccentric intellectual? Are there many areas where you guys do not really "get each other" and never did? Did you guys start out with a functional relationship, liked each other, and it just went on from there?

 

It seems like there is a side of you that is very fun loving, wanting to party, wanting attention, and perhaps he never was connected with that side of you. Perhaps it is because there is this side of you wanting to come out, that you look for affairs to satisfy it, yet you know the fun is fleeting, so you stay in your marriage.

 

Is this correct?

[Giraffe2014]

How does it make you feel knowing that the only thing real about your affair was that you were used for sex by a predator and that now that he got what he wanted from you has already replaced you?

Aliveagain – It makes me feel pretty damn stupid. But at the same time, its what I wanted at the time. No one forced my arm. So with all my regrets, I wanted to do that at the time I did it. Its done. As is the damage to me and as a result my marriage. Husband thinks we are doing great. I feel like I am trapped inside screaming most days. I cant tell him. It will ruin our family. If I cant fix me and move forward with a marriage that was strong I will walk then.

And I know that I risk him finding out from a third party. This ain’t a big town and people on AP side know as well as my side, and hell ya, the work crowd have raised eyebrows. I would be a fool to think otherwise

Diezel-Yes, I did it, over and over, completely premeditated. It was a full blown physical and emotional affair. And ya we are like friends instead of husband and wife. But its been like this for many years. I was satisfied with that until I did this.

My pregnancy and STD tests were negative.

 

Marchhare-Thanks for your post, I like the way you took the time to feedback to me on all my points. And very true points they are too. You read me well. But I am done with AP. Ya, it makes it easier that hes no longer pursuing me. I admit that. I know I am a narscisst but as soon as I get a new job I am out of there. (Unless by some miracle he goes first)

Obtuseedge – What you said is completely spot on. But we always knew this. That would have been fine if I hadn’t overstepped the mark. We knew where we differed and what we had in common.

[Marchhare]

How does it make you feel knowing that the only thing real about your affair was that you were used for sex by a predator and that now that he got what he wanted from you has already replaced you?

Aliveagain – It makes me feel pretty damn stupid. But at the same time, its what I wanted at the time. No one forced my arm. So with all my regrets, I wanted to do that at the time I did it. Its done. As is the damage to me and as a result my marriage. Husband thinks we are doing great. I feel like I am trapped inside screaming most days. I cant tell him. It will ruin our family. If I cant fix me and move forward with a marriage that was strong I will walk then. And I know that I risk him finding out from a third party. This ain’t a big town and people on AP side know as well as my side, and hell ya, the work crowd have raised eyebrows. I would be a fool to think otherwise

Diezel-Yes, I did it, over and over, completely premeditated. It was a full blown physical and emotional affair. And ya we are like friends instead of husband and wife. But its been like this for many years. I was satisfied with that until I did this.

My pregnancy and STD tests were negative.

 

Marchhare-Thanks for your post, I like the way you took the time to feedback to me on all my points. And very true points they are too. You read me well. But I am done with AP. Ya, it makes it easier that hes no longer pursuing me. I admit that. I know I am a narscisst but as soon as I get a new job I am out of there. (Unless by some miracle he goes first)

Obtuseedge – What you said is completely spot on. But we always knew this. That would have been fine if I hadn’t overstepped the mark. We knew where we differed and what we had in common.

 

OP I am glad you have admitted the truth finally and the tests are negative. I fear if AP pursues again you will stray again. Simple logic. It seems you are painting a much different picture about your marriage now than earlier. H is only a friend now, before he was god like. What is telling is he is not your best friend. That says a lot.

Please don't blameshift your poor choices on BH.You could have, in fact should have done more to reinvigorate your marriage, instead you took the easy way out and betrayed your family.

Do you have the courage to heal, please read the text I bolded. Which would do the most damage, from you or another? Be courageous in a good way OP. Your the joke at work, and there are a lot of people who most assuredly will inform your BH just to spite you. And as another early post alluded to, blackmail...

Despite what you think of my harshness, I do wish you well OP. I hope you get C, and learn from this self made debacle.

[Giraffe2014]

Marchhare – NC for almost a month now. Cant believe it is almost a month since that work trip, it flew! I don’t find it as hard as I did when we ended the affair in Jan. Jan-work trip was a head wreck. I knew deep down after this work trip I would never pursue him again. I guess he felt the same because hes not come knocking either. This is for the best and the longer we abstain, the easier it will be for me to move on

[beach]

Not really - the more work you do on the inside of yourself is what will help you abstain.

 

 

The only reason you're abstaining now is because he isn't in hot pursuit.

 

There's a big difference and I hope you find the root of your troubles and resolve them = that is the only thing that will help you ignore him when he does pursue you ( and he will - when his "other options" diminish).

[Giraffe2014]

So, I am still at the same company. Quite simply, I cannot afford to quit the job. Some may say you cannot afford to stay, but staying real, the bills have to be paid, and like us all, there are plenty.

So 4 weeks done since the work trip and there has been nothing untoward with AP. Last 2 days of last week were testing as we had more contact than usual and he attempted to call me out on my distance since the trip. I didn’t take the bait. My girlfriend told me he was preying on my emotions to get back into my head. I did soften a little, but haven’t text him over the weekend. Hes not messaged me either, and I think if he did I’d find it hard not to reply. Having said that hes not pursing me and this makes this a lot easier for me.

I no longer think of him a lot. As the days and weeks go by, I feel myself getting back to the old me.

My husband and I are getting on well, most days. We both have the strain of our little boy on our shoulders, but we adore him with every inch of our being and he knows it. He is not the issue here, but most days are a challenge at particular times with him with does result in us being snappy with each other. Taking care of his needs disallows for much us time, as it often leaves us exhausted, but as a team, we gotta it well nailed.

I turned down a work trip with AP next month. Unfortunately we have another project together, but I made my case that I wasn’t able to travel for a few months for an excuse of a reason, which was accepted and ensures me and AP don’t have to be away from day to day life alone. And work on this project is part of a larger team.

[DKT3]

So, I am still at the same company. Quite simply, I cannot afford to quit the job. Some may say you cannot afford to stay, but staying real, the bills have to be paid, and like us all, there are plenty.

So 4 weeks done since the work trip and there has been nothing untoward with AP. Last 2 days of last week were testing as we had more contact than usual and he attempted to call me out on my distance since the trip. I didn’t take the bait. My girlfriend told me he was preying on my emotions to get back into my head. I did soften a little, but haven’t text him over the weekend. Hes not messaged me either, and I think if he did I’d find it hard not to reply. Having said that hes not pursing me and this makes this a lot easier for me.

I no longer think of him a lot. As the days and weeks go by, I feel myself getting back to the old me.

My husband and I are getting on well, most days. We both have the strain of our little boy on our shoulders, but we adore him with every inch of our being and he knows it. He is not the issue here, but most days are a challenge at particular times with him with does result in us being snappy with each other. Taking care of his needs disallows for much us time, as it often leaves us exhausted, but as a team, we gotta it well nailed.

I turned down a work trip with AP next month. Unfortunately we have another project together, but I made my case that I wasn’t able to travel for a few months for an excuse of a reason, which was accepted and ensures me and AP don’t have to be away from day to day life alone. And work on this project is part of a larger team.

 

Yet another update where nothing has changed, no forward movement, in fact your going backwards. You are doing nothing to FIX the issues and still spending all you emotional energy on this other guy. This is simply a prolonged divorce in waiting.

[Marchhare]

So, I am still at the same company. Quite simply, I cannot afford to quit the job. Some may say you cannot afford to stay, but staying real, the bills have to be paid, and like us all, there are plenty.

So 4 weeks done since the work trip and there has been nothing untoward with AP. Last 2 days of last week were testing as we had more contact than usual and he attempted to call me out on my distance since the trip. I didn’t take the bait. My girlfriend told me he was preying on my emotions to get back into my head. I did soften a little, but haven’t text him over the weekend. Hes not messaged me either, and I think if he did I’d find it hard not to reply. Having said that hes not pursing me and this makes this a lot easier for me.

I no longer think of him a lot. As the days and weeks go by, I feel myself getting back to the old me.

My husband and I are getting on well, most days. We both have the strain of our little boy on our shoulders, but we adore him with every inch of our being and he knows it. He is not the issue here, but most days are a challenge at particular times with him with does result in us being snappy with each other. Taking care of his needs disallows for much us time, as it often leaves us exhausted, but as a team, we gotta it well nailed.

I turned down a work trip with AP next month. Unfortunately we have another project together, but I made my case that I wasn’t able to travel for a few months for an excuse of a reason, which was accepted and ensures me and AP don’t have to be away from day to day life alone. And work on this project is part of a larger team.

 

Wondered where you went, this sounds all to familiar. Just like before the last trip you took. The excuses, the focus on your drug addict. Sounds to me like you are now playing down your marriage for the excuse you need to play with your AP again.

I doubt you will find another job, because I think you are gaslighting the readership here. If you didn't want your AP, you wouldn't talk to him, period. Read what I bolded, that is the real truth. Because if he did, you would be going through another round of STD tests, because you FOUND IT HARD, and it found you in your bed again. Your friend is right, but you won't listen. It's been four weeks since your last ***k festival, and you are itching for more.

I pity your BH, and betrayed child. Their supposed issues that you mentioned on another thread is your justification to cheat and cheat and cheat. Keep rationalizing OP, keep rationalizing.

Give your BH the choice to stay or leave. I think they would be better off without a narcissist like you in their lives.

[Popsicle]

I was disappointed this thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/517619-cant-move-emotionally-after-co-worker-affair)was closed but I understand the reasons all the same

And so its been 2 weeks since the work trip, feels like 2 years.

I have had zero contact with AP (Small talk in larger group at work but was minimal and no private messages).

I miss the fun. But this is over. Its over as theres an underlying issue within me that never had anything to do with husband or AP. AP is a man I would never, in “The real world” want to be with. He was there at the right time, I miss the carefree fun and not him.

I am putting all my energy into my marriage and child now. Its not been easy. Husband and I had a few days away together alone for the first time in a long time recently and I found that we had little to talk about and in common and are more like friends than a married couple. He is oblivious to this feeling and is content to be as we are. I however still feel something is not right but I plan to work on that and if I cant move past it I will deal with it and not use AP or anyone else to fill the void in me. I dont think I can fully focus and decide until the affair is well and truly in the past and gone from my heart.

STD test results are still pending and life is carrying on just like it always did.

 

Good. You're on the right path.

 

I do question whether your husband is content to be as you are. Maybe he's not as content as you think. Maybe he thinks YOU'RE content, as well. If no one says anything, then no one knows anything, you know? I think you should at least bring up the fact that you miss being more connected and intimate with him and that you would like to work on that together.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yet another update where nothing has changed, no forward movement, in fact your going backwards. You are doing nothing to FIX the issues and still spending all you emotional energy on this other guy. This is simply a prolonged divorce in waiting.

 

Agreed. Post is 75% about AP, 25% about husband. Roughly corresponds to the allocation of her emotional and sexual interest...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Giraffe2014]

I came here to discuss AP, not husband, so with that said, I do speak about AP more here than husband.

Its strange, even with this week alone I don’t think of AP much if at all (usually just if I see him and even at that it doesn’t unsettle me like before). Of course, hes not beating down my door which makes this as easy as it can be.

We still talk, we are adults among an adult organisation and have to talk and be seen to talk, in all honesty, its never been so clear we have so little in common. Of course, I always knew this but its more concrete and I can see this now. As a result, husband and I are getting on well. Talking more, as we did in the past. We are getting back our closeness. I am no longer dismissive of him and hes becoming more like the old him around me. We always chatted, and have a lot to talk about as two intellectuals.

Tomorrows another day and brings further distance between me and AP each time. I will receive backlash for the next comment/action but this Thursday we are the same social event. First time since work trip. I can get out of it and I don’t want to. I will go, I will not engage him and I will walk into that office Monday (Skelton crew this Fri) with my held as high and as confident as can be, and that will be how I feel within.

Its only past few weeks I’ve started to feel like the old me. He’s not in my every waking thought, I can have relationships with family and friends as normal. I have an appetite again. I am me. (Albeit a few pounds heavier) and I am feeling good.

Some will say I will falter thurs, Friends have told me I’m a fool to do this so soon. The way I see it, I need this for me. For my final closure, regardless of his agenda. God knows he always has one whether it involves me or some other office sucker. I’m gonna do it. And its not gonna be like the old me 4 weeks ago. Please don’t batter me here until I come back with the true account Friday. And that is all I have ever done here, report it as it is.

[harrybrown]

Take your H with you.

[SoulStorm]

I’m gonna do it. And its not gonna be like the old me 4 weeks ago.

Words mean very little...actions always speak louder

[Betrayed&Stayed]

100% disagree with regard to the contact. We work in the same office, talking is inevitable if we happen to be in the same room. This happened only twice since the trip and was group talk, small talk, I’ve not spoken to him directly at all. Theres been no contact between us. This is over. The issue now is how I feel within me and towards my marriage. This is where I don’t know if I can ever get back on track. But I will try my hardest and I will walk away if I have to, no one else involved if I cant be a good decent wife. What I did is done and I need to mend my ways. My actions are on track, my mind lagging behind. I am far from out of the woods, this controlled me and like the other way round as I thought for many weeks. This is not how I want to feel, now or ever again.

 

You will never get "back on track". The damage done cannot be mended or fixed. This is regardless of informing your H. You have two options: tell your H and he can decide if he wants to start over with your marriage or D. Or you can continue to live a lie. By not being honest your marriage will continue to be a huge lie. A marriage is supposed to be founded upon faithfulness, mutual respect, honesty, and love. You have failed miserably on all of them.

 

Once an affair has transpired there is no more going "back to what it used to be" with your husband, AP, or your life.

 

You can't "mend your ways". A WS can only be honest and hope for forgiveness from the BS.

[Spark1111]

intimacy means NO secrets. Imagine that? A partner or spouse cannot fix what they do not know is broken.....

 

In the VERY best marriages, they confide to their partner that they are developing an attraction to another ( completely normal as social beings) and both partners discuss how to put boundaries in effect to preserve the marriage. Imagine that?

 

And if you were to put all that passion, fun, joy, conversation, care, calls, texts, sexts, undivided attention, respect, into your PRIMARY relationship, it could turn into something pretty spectacular.

 

All good marriage counselors know this.....and loving, long-term couples too.

 

But as long as you keep secrets from your BH ( because you, the cheater, know best, right?) and think of him as the boring, familiar, hubby-friend, well, what could possibly change?

 

So set him free. And when the women come circling because he is a good guy, and they will, maybe you too will see him anew.

 

But it will be too late.

 

I've seen this a million times.... he's this, he's that and he has a new woman within months while his x is still alone.

 

Try it, I dare you. Want to find appreciation? let him go and watch in shock and awe as others find the x very, very attractive, seeing all those qualities you took for granted because you were in an affair with that elusive, unattainable, philandering jerk.

[autumnnight]

I can get out of it and I don’t want to.

 

Not sure if this is a typo, but if so it is an honest one. You want to go because you want a hit of attention with OM. You are not done, just like you knew good and well you were gonna hit the sheets during the work trip.

 

You flat don't care.

[DKT3]

Not sure if this is a typo, but if so it is an honest one. You want to go because you want a hit of attention with OM. You are not done, just like you knew good and well you were gonna hit the sheets during the work trip.

 

You flat don't care.

 

Your right she doesn't care because she hasn't had to face any consequences. This isn't her first affair (she let that slip earlier even though she tried to back track) and it won't be her last simply because she doesn't care.

[seibert253]

How do you expect your BH to change things or be what you want when he has no clue what's going on? How can he fix it if he doesn't know what's broke?

 

You're still in contact with the OM and, refuse to come clean with your BH.

 

You sound extremely selfish and self centered. You have a lot of soul searching to do.

[Akheron]

I will go, I will not engage him and I will walk into that office Monday (Skelton crew this Fri) with my held as high and as confident as can be, and that will be how I feel within.

 

Right. Just like you were gonna "book separate hotel rooms" at the last coke head bang week. Please.

[Akheron]

I came here to discuss AP, not husband, so with that said, I do speak about AP more here than husband.

 

Maybe so. But just because that's what you want to do doesn't mean that that is what you should do. What you should be doing is discussing how you are going to repair the damage you've done to an unknowing husband and child. But let's not let facts get in way, right?

[Marchhare]

Take your H with you.

 

Buts its only for the people at work, besides someone has to stay home and watch the child so OP can have sex with druggie.

Bringing the husband would spoil the fun for her and AP.

Time for another round of STD tests. Or maybe not. This time she'll bring condoms, so much for enjoying the flavor of AP Thursday night. Darn diseases.

Oh well, no douching needed.