Burying Brother's Ashes at Scene of Crime: Will BS Be Triggered into Pieces?

[merrmeade]

This gossip just in from SIL of Bro2:

• Bro1's wife SIL/OW has a boyfriend, her HS sweetheart, whom she contacted in SEPTEMBER (Bro1, her H, died 9/9)
  
• She picked him up at airport after cabin memorial for her H and took him home with her.
  

This is no surprise since she told me she'd "been approached by other men" since my brother's stroke; I figured she'd move quickly.

[Noirek]

This gossip just in from SIL of Bro2:

• Bro1's wife SIL/OW has a boyfriend, her HS sweetheart, whom she contacted in SEPTEMBER (Bro1, her H, died 9/9)
  
• She picked him up at airport after cabin memorial for her H and took him home with her.
  

This is no surprise since she told me she'd "been approached by other men" since my brother's stroke; I figured she'd move quickly.

 

Of course she can't be alone. If she is codependant she needs someone to rely on heavily and children don't always fill that void. If she is NPD she needs her supply. I think this will help remove her from your life except for when she feels the need to remind you she exsists.

[Noirek]

Hey, beach. I appreciate your concern, and intellectually I agree with you (or what I think you're working on). But this? This is not the way it's going to happen for me. I'll NEVER make a decision or life change of that magnitude based on exchanges on an online forum or even in life. Even things I've decided to do in IC, were not the last word or the deepest dig that finally got me to the action I needed - case in point: this thread. I decided in IC not to go to the memorial at the cabin, but ended up going. Going was right. Seeing my other brother was right. It's all part of a process.

 

Anyway, I don't mind answering your question, though I've answered it other times other places and the basics haven't changed much. It's pretty much the same as other people's in the same situation with different emphasis here and there. But it comes down to - for me - (I think!) to not having a clear plan or another reality I want more.

 

My main plan is building myself up right now. Getting out of the muck of negativity, depression and self-defeatism so that I don't depend on anyone for my happiness ever again and in a way that I can't be misused or dismissed by anyone ever again. I am going to surround myself with people that love, like and enjoy me. I am going to do things that make me see my strengths and goodness. I am going to work on improving my future options on all counts and put some checks and balances in place that keep me from spending my personal nestegg for the sake of my children.

 

My husband is incidental to these goals, so ask me this question once I've ticked them off, each one, and I'm strong, happy, clear and safe. If at that point, I turn my head, look at the person beside me and think, "You? You are dragging me down. You didn't earn the privilege of being my partner anyway, so get lost." - if that happens, it will be like losing a scab that finally healed and fell off. If, on the other hand, that wound heals with new, healthy, glowing skin, well, I guess I'll turn around and smile.

 

That's about it for now!

 

I haven't played my keyboard in a long time. Time to write a new song.

 

I do think this will eventually happen for you. When you know the time is right for you. Working on yourself is never a bad thing. you don't seem like the type of person who will stay hoping the other person will change. And that will probably help a lot in the long run

[beach]

I do think this will eventually happen for you. When you know the time is right for you. Working on yourself is never a bad thing. you don't seem like the type of person who will stay hoping the other person will change. And that will probably help a lot in the long run

 

I agree.

 

Making decisions based on what another person will or won't do had to change for me.

 

I started making decisions in my best interest and then taking action on that decision.

 

My kids are adults now - and even though I couldn't see the long term effects my actions would have on them at that time (they were teens) - in the long run it helped them to make solid, healthy decisions for themselves by being an example for them through tough times.

 

 

 

I had to learn what it looked like to honor self - and to take action based on that concept alone. Everything else fell into place from there and became much more clear to me. Especially when I overcame the fear of hurting other peoples feelings while harming myself in doing so.

[merrmeade]

Making decisions based on what another person will or won't do had to change for me.

 

I started making decisions in my best interest and then taking action on that decision.

 

I had to learn what it looked like to honor self - and to take action based on that concept alone. Everything else fell into place from there and became much more clear to me. Especially when I overcame the fear of hurting other peoples feelings while harming myself in doing so.

What specifically did you do?

[beach]

What specifically did you do?

 

I made all decisions in my best interest.

 

I didn't minimize my truth, I didn't cover up for my cheating husband and I started taking care of me.

 

I didn't pick up OTHER people's crap FOR THEM.

 

I was a very good codependent then.

 

I did a TON of contrary action!!

 

And when I stopped doing things the way I was trained to do as a child - things started getting more balanced in my life!

 

When it wasn't MY crap - I allowed it to sit out there for someone else to notice and deal with. I ONLY handled what was MINE (and for my kids then).

 

When my exH portrayed bad behavior I let it be HIS. When he acted selfish and self centered I allowed that to be his too! I didn't try making him look good anymore. I stopped sugar coating my truth/my experience.

 

And his selfish and abusive self came shining through. And I left HIM to own it and deal with all the crap HE had created!

 

And others began noticing him for who he really is. It didn't change him - it just forced it to be obvious...and he came to realize that it was HIS to deal with - or not.

 

But I was FREE from the burden of participating on any level with his sick and twisted games.

 

He wasn't going to change. I was determined to change me - and the way I participated - and that made things change all on their own.

 

 

I got help understanding what a healthy boundary looked like FOR ME! I stuck to it no matter what happened (and there was a lot of tornados spinning around because he invoked drama). I began making decisions that affected me in a positive manner and I let go of what dragged me down for 23 years!

 

And I felt lighter, brighter and free!

 

My trauma counselor asked me "if YOU aren't willing to look out for YOUR best interest - then who's going to"? And also "what do you want from a man and how can YOU get that FROM YOURSELF"?

 

It's up to ME to set the guidelines that define my life.

[merrmeade]

I made all decisions in my best interest.

 

I didn't minimize my truth, I didn't cover up for my cheating husband and I started taking care of me.

 

I didn't pick up OTHER people's crap FOR THEM.

 

I was a very good codependent then.

 

I did a TON of contrary action!!

 

And when I stopped doing things the way I was trained to do as a child - things started getting more balanced in my life!

 

When it wasn't MY crap - I allowed it to sit out there for someone else to notice and deal with. I ONLY handled what was MINE (and for my kids then).

 

When my exH portrayed bad behavior I let it be HIS. When he acted selfish and self centered I allowed that to be his too! I didn't try making him look good anymore. I stopped sugar coating my truth/my experience.

 

And his selfish and abusive self came shining through. And I left HIM to own it and deal with all the crap HE had created!

 

And others began noticing him for who he really is. It didn't change him - it just forced it to be obvious...and he came to realize that it was HIS to deal with - or not.

 

But I was FREE from the burden of participating on any level with his sick and twisted games.

 

He wasn't going to change. I was determined to change me - and the way I participated - and that made things change all on their own.

 

 

I got help understanding what a healthy boundary looked like FOR ME! I stuck to it no matter what happened (and there was a lot of tornados spinning around because he invoked drama). I began making decisions that affected me in a positive manner and I let go of what dragged me down for 23 years!

 

And I felt lighter, brighter and free!

 

My trauma counselor asked me "if YOU aren't willing to look out for YOUR best interest - then who's going to"? And also "what do you want from a man and how can YOU get that FROM YOURSELF"?

 

It's up to ME to set the guidelines that define my life.

Boundaries. Parameters. Working on these things, too.

 

My IC is helping me identify and negotiate similar landmarks. Knowing (remembering) what healthy looks like in others, feels like in myself.

 

 

Having a Master Plan is a start for me, but I need to protect it palpable parameters