Burying Brother's Ashes at Scene of Crime: Will BS Be Triggered into Pieces?

[BetrayedH]

I'm bogarting my own thread, but I guess that's my right. I'm going to post two breakthroughs/insights.

 

I just had a GREAT conversation with my daughter. Told her about conversation with her cousin, his disappointment.. I said he just doesn't understand, doesn't get it. She flipped out., repeated, "Why not?" several times, "Why doesn't he get it?" How can he just dismiss it? It was trashy, cheap, low-class to happen with family members. It should have been against the moral fiber of everyone in the family. Our grandparents didn't teach or model that. And why can't you speak up instead of apologizing? You need to write a script or something that you have ready for these situations. "Like what?" I said. Like, "I don't have to accommodate or fix a breach I did not create. 'Fixing it ' would be only insult my own moral fiber. It's not my place and I don't have to make allowances for those responsible for the destruction of our families. I'm not responsible for their lack of ability to acknowledge. How am I supposed to make better when they haven't even acknowledged what they did to me, to all of us. They should be pandering to me for the rest of their lives if there's any fixing to be done…"

 

Then, she launched into what I can and should do, saying I should be a more vocal role model for the family. Every one of us knows very well what our moral legacy is, so why do I let OW be the spokesperson. She said I need to hold them accountable when a line is crossed, open dialogue when things happen or get said, remind them of what we believe and how we treat each other. I need to remember my mother — famous for her standards, her humanity, and her ability to articulate what she believed and why it was important.

 

We were on the phone and I wrote or remembered as much as possible, but omg it was awesome. She's amazing. I'll take some credit for it, but at this point she deserves it all for having taken the heritage she was given, making it her own and then articulating it.

 

While I applaud your daughter's view, I'm not sure you need to be the moral compass in the family. You didn't sign up to be the leader and I don't feel you should feel pressured to do so, even though this family sorely needs it. If you're comfortable with that role, then great. I don't really see you wanting that position.

 

That said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with expressing some moral outrage to these people from time to time when they fail to understand the basics of human decency. You don't have to be the family moral compass and you don't have to be the leader but you can, from time to time, inform them that, "This behavior is beyond the line and unacceptable to me." And if there are consequences (such as people overhearing said conversation) then they'll just have to live with the fact that their fundamental lack of regard for others just got announced. Perhaps they should start empathizing and this wouldn't happen.

[merrmeade]

You know what felt just GREAT, saying to somebody?

the thought of being friends with [your mom] is insupportable for me.

Just great.

 

I sent the whole thread between myself and my nephew to my kids and husband. That, also, feels pretty good. One of my kids wrote me back, Son#2, who'd felt the burden of sensing that things were not right between his dad and aunt during those years and felt obligated to be around as much as possible. He even said once to his siblings (before they knew) not to worry, he'd made sure nothing happened. (I've always worried he'd feel like he failed, but he's pretty grownup now so maybe not.) He wrote this back immediately just now: "Actually I didn't lie or agree to lie. I had assumed that [sIL/aunt] told [brother/uncle]. I didn't realize until after he passed away." That did my heart good for several reasons but mainly because he's acknowledging what I said about the lying. He wants me to know he didn't knowingly. It's already happening - the walk back up that moral high road without anyone's announcing it. They heard me and, I think, were just waiting for me to get my voice back.

 

This is good and also means they'll 'be there' for me tomorrow without undue drama beforehand.

 

Thank you, daughter...

 

My husband is being pretty good, too. I think it's a relief that he doesn't have to deal with any of it but mainly that she makes him look great by comparison. That's the price she paid not telling her husband. It was also her loss.

Edited March 20, 2015 by merrmeade

[BetrayedH]

You're the bomb BetrayedH. You ALWAYS give pearls of wisdom. You contribute ALOT!

LH

 

Well, thanks.

 

I'm just all over the place with this one. I think it'd be fine if she didn't go. I think it's fine if she goes. One minute I'm ranting against widespread exposure but the next, I'm ready for her to take over the ceremony and call the bitch out.

 

What I have is a lot of moral outrage on her behalf. Hopefully that helps.

 

Oh, and I have a lighter if she needs it.

[merrmeade]

Well, thanks.

 

I'm just all over the place with this one. I think it'd be fine if she didn't go. I think it's fine if she goes. One minute I'm ranting against widespread exposure but the next, I'm ready for her to take over the ceremony and call the bitch out.

 

What I have is a lot of moral outrage on her behalf. Hopefully that helps.

 

Oh, and I have a lighter if she needs it.

It's LS cheerleading at its best, BH. Do NOT apologize.

 

I feel really good about all this processing. I tried to tell my daughter about the LS experience, how I sort of off-handedly decided to post this thread and was blown away by the outpouring of support, excellent advice and incantations that I was instantly strengthened. She didn't get it and moved on quickly (very ok), but then she came in swinging on my behalf, and that was great. Then, I think my most excellent mother started channeling me or something, plus all this writing along with the last set of email exchanges with my family and nephew. A lot got said that needed to be said with enough people that, hey, I'm really doing pretty well and able to think about my brother now and how that will be.

 

There is one new development that may or may not be a thing. As I said, I sent the string of emails to my kids AND my husband. Well, he was kind of not speaking for a while today, gave me a, "Just leave me alone," when I asked what was wrong. So I figure it was what I wrote, e.g., saying that he and SIL didn't call it "'wrong' for a long time, just 'stupid,'" saying my brothers and I "don't lie (much), steal, commit adultery not because we have to think about it, but because we don't think about it. It's unthinkable." Probably felt like rubbing it in.

 

But you know what's good about this? I don't care! He knows it's true and I've been SO restrained and SO considerate and SO accepting for SO long that the truth spoken straight, unembellished, without drama, well, just can't be argued with. Even in a normally abnormal mind. You can't say the truth is wrong, and he can't say it shouldn't be said. He knows it, and THAT is why he goes hot and cold. Anyway, at least the aggressive in his passive-aggressive is shorter-lived and less disturbing than it used to be. Either way, I am just so not bothered, and that's a good and new place for me to be.

Edited March 20, 2015 by merrmeade

[Furious]

Merrmeade

 

I get the impression you care very much about being authentic and doing the right thing.

 

Doing the right thing, need not be about placating others, doing the right thing is not a consensus, in regard to a situation that is filled layers of manipulation and falseness orchestrated by your ex-sil, whichis once again causing you anxiety.

 

The reality is your nephew is your sil's son, his primary relationship is with his mother and not his auntie Merrmeade. It pains you that he has downplayed what his mother did to his father and to you. This is something you have no control over. But think about it, your kids still maintain a relationship with their father and if your dear brother were alive and well, chances are he'd have stayed married to your sil, just as you have stayed married to your husband.

 

The only thing you can do, is to cut ties with your sil and not participate in her manipulation.

 

Listen to your gut, do not attend the ceremony if it will trigger you and cause you stress. You owe no one a long explanation and keep it simple. Pay your respect to your dear brother in your own way and on your own time.

 

It's ok to put Merrmeade first, it's about time to put Merrmeade first.

[merrmeade]

Merrmeade

 

I get the impression you care very much about being authentic and doing the right thing.

 

Doing the right thing, need not be about placating others, doing the right thing is not a consensus, in regard to a situation that is filled layers of manipulation and falseness orchestrated by your ex-sil, whichis once again causing you anxiety.

 

The reality is your nephew is your sil's son, his primary relationship is with his mother and not his auntie Merrmeade. It pains you that he has downplayed what his mother did to his father and to you. This is something you have no control over. But think about it, your kids still maintain a relationship with their father and if your dear brother were alive and well, chances are he'd have stayed married to your sil, just as you have stayed married to your husband.

 

The only thing you can do, is to cut ties with your sil and not participate in her manipulation.

 

Listen to your gut, do not attend the ceremony if it will trigger you and cause you stress. You owe no one a long explanation and keep it simple. Pay your respect to your dear brother in your own way and on your own time.

 

It's ok to put Merrmeade first, it's about time to put Merrmeade first.

Yes, you're right. I can give nephews up if they continue to stress me out about THEIR wish that we 'all' reconcile. They're my brother's children as well, and I was trying to help him accept this is the way it will be. But I can't be responsible for what he does or doesn't accept either; you're right.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, thanks.

 

I'm just all over the place with this one. I think it'd be fine if she didn't go. I think it's fine if she goes. One minute I'm ranting against widespread exposure but the next, I'm ready for her to take over the ceremony and call the bitch out.

 

What I have is a lot of moral outrage on her behalf. Hopefully that helps.

 

Oh, and I have a lighter if she needs it.

 

If you need a couple of practice runs, there's always people giving away free couches on kijiji. You'd be doing the landfills a favor.

[merrmeade]

If you need a couple of practice runs, there's always people giving away free couches on kijiji. You'd be doing the landfills a favor.

It's not so far fetched. I've been stewing about the sofa I left at the cabin....

[BetrayedH]

It's not so far fetched. I've been stewing about the sofa I left at the cabin....

 

Sounds like I need an invite. And I don't need practice runs.

[beach]

This is not my usual style - but this thought kept coming to me throughout this whole thread:

 

I wish that cabin would burn to the ground!!!

 

There - I said it! I feel better now! :-)

[merrmeade]

This is not my usual style - but this thought kept coming to me throughout this whole thread:

 

I wish that cabin would burn to the ground!!!

 

There - I said it! I feel better now! :-)

While I LOVE the fierceness and passion on my behalf, love it, I would want to get my parents' things out first! Thankfully the cabin has other associations, actually more years of kindness with other people than times associated with betrayal. It would be convenient if I could get my parents' memorabilia out before you send your wish off.

[beach]

While I LOVE the fierceness and passion on my behalf, love it, I would want to get my parents' things out first! Thankfully the cabin has other associations, actually more years of kindness with other people than times associated with betrayal. It would be convenient if I could get my parents' memorabilia out before you send your wish off.

 

Request a moving day for yourself... You should get one day to remove family items you wish to keep. She should be gone for the day while you're there... Or better yet send over the list of items you want and have them packed into a moving can and the driver can bring them to you.

[sandylee1]

Bingo.

 

Many insights here. Yes, I didn't tell this brother because he couldn't have helped me and might even have hurt. He is lovable but not loving and has zero emotional sensitivity. I was too raw to trust my feelings to him then. Also this brother and my husband had had a bit of a falling out about the cabin a few years ago, so, yes, I thought that my "H will have some repercussions" that we didn't need on top of our own constant volatility at that time.

 

SIL probably thinks she apologized. She sent a 3-line card three months post DDay that read. "Please forgive me. It was mutual. We were needy." At the time, I was touched and told her I forgave her and she immediately reverted to her true serpent state. That was a crazy conversation.

 

In fact, I made a list once of what she said so that I could be clear, not forget, be my own witness. I'll edit, but this will really feel good....

 

The highlights:

0. "Dear __, Please forgive me. It was mutual. We were needy..."

1. "WHY did you go off and leave him alone here?"

2. "It was fun."

3. "What about ME?"

4. "I was all alone all summer. You had your family."

5. "Your brother let your H stay here for x years, most of it rent free."

6. "It must be so hard for you to have to organize and pack up."

6. "Why don't you pay movers to box it all up and just go?"

7. "After your vicious emails, I blocked you from my email account."

8. "Here's compensation for the work done. It hasn't been that clean since your mother died.It was fairly clean. It was fairly clean." (2x)

9. "I'm not really used to talking about my sexual experiences in public."

10. "But wasn't there another betrayal some years ago?"

11. "I don't know what to do about your children."

12. "Why didn't we tell [your brother]?"

13. "I certainly hope we can be friends again some day."

 

priceless piece of humanity

 

My work, she is one nasty woman.

 

She thinks you leaving him at the cabin is an excuse.

Because your H stayed rent free, she thinks it's okay to have an affair?

 

I wonder what planet this woman is on. Everything she's she said to you is so wrong.

 

Her apology, was no apology. There is absolutely no remorse from her and I really hope that she one day feels some of the pain you have. She is a heartless cruel person for her blatant disrespect and lack of remorse. I know it takes two, but wow - she's a real piece of work.

 

Do her own family even know what she's done?

 

You really are so very strong to manage or try to manage this situation. I do hope your H shows remorse everyday and is beyond grateful that you didn't leave him.

[sandylee1]

I should add, I don't blame you for not informing your brother before he passed away. It was an awful scenario and you made a very conscientious and thoughtful decision. Sadly, you've still got more to make.

 

 

What a position you were placed in, not telling your brother. My vengeful side would have thought about doing it so she was written out of his will.

 

You stepped higher and thought of your brother instead, for which I truly commend you.

[merrmeade]

This is my official "out of the office" notice. Back late tomorrow.

 

Deep gratitude for all the support over recent days. Hoping for the best for all, hoping we'll all know what to do.

 

merrmeade

[Oberfeldwebel]

First I am sorry for your loss. If you go to the ceremony or not is your choice, understand your grief did not start nor will it end with this ceremony, it is a process. There is nothing wrong with the concept of spreading the ashes, many people do this as a memorial. Most of the people there are doing it for the right reason and you can keep your contact with her to a minimum, if you desire to go. I hope that over time that you can come to forgive your SIL, not for her, but for you. You are carrying this affair around like a lead weight. Naturally it is not easy and will take time, but hope that you eventually get there some day.

 

Secondly, for most people, NC with the OW is much easier, you get a new job, new church, new neighborhood and they are gone. When it is intertwined with your family, there just isn’t a good solution. This is compounded since you are attempting to reconcile with your spouse. Other will see the fact that you can forgive your husband, so why can’t you forgive her? Your nephew loves both his Aunt and his mother and doesn’t want to lose either, particularly since he has lost his father already. You can ostracize her, but in doing so ostracize yourself from your nephews and many family events which would include their mother.

 

Lastly, I believe in exposure as it brings the truth to light. When things are kept secret, half-truths and innuendos tend to prevail. People may see it from a different point, but at least they can understand why you feel the way you do. I would suggest that you and SIL try to come to a Missouri Compromise for future family events to allow you stay engaged with your brother children. This is completely your decision, but would be my recommendation. Best wishes to you and your family.

[road]

I would suggest that you and SIL try to come to a Missouri Compromise for future family events to allow you stay engaged with your brother children. This is completely your decision, but would be my recommendation. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

 

 

 

There is no compromise with NC. Either there no contact or there is contact.

This BW needs NC with the OW. Thus this affair needs to be exposed to the grand parents, parents, siblings. Thus the family will be able to assist in NC between the OW and the BW.

[merrmeade]

... I hope that over time that you can come to forgive your SIL, not for her, but for you. You are carrying this affair around like a lead weight. Naturally it is not easy and will take time, but hope that you eventually get there some day.

 

Secondly, for most people, NC with the OW is much easier, you get a new job, new church, new neighborhood and they are gone. When it is intertwined with your family, there just isn’t a good solution. This is compounded since you are attempting to reconcile with your spouse. Other will see the fact that you can forgive your husband, so why can’t you forgive her? Your nephew loves both his Aunt and his mother and doesn’t want to lose either, particularly since he has lost his father already. You can ostracize her, but in doing so ostracize yourself from your nephews and many family events which would include their mother.

 

Lastly, I believe in exposure as it brings the truth to light. When things are kept secret, half-truths and innuendos tend to prevail. People may see it from a different point, but at least they can understand why you feel the way you do. I would suggest that you and SIL try to come to a Missouri Compromise for future family events to allow you stay engaged with your brother children. [:sick:]

There is no compromise with NC. Either there no contact or there is contact. This BW needs NC with the OW. Thus this affair needs to be exposed to the grandparents, parents, siblings. Thus, the family will be able to assist in NC between the OW and the BW.

I've delayed a day but see now why sometimes thread posters often leave outcomes unknown at the end of threads. At some point, it's just so exhausting when the crisis event is over or changed to narrate. Also, I had a project to finish for a client and only just now had a hiatus.

 

So the cabin. The weekend. What happened. It wasn't one thing or another and it was something completely unexpected at the same time. It was messy, unsatisfying, confusing. I vacillated between wanting to help my nephew corral the all the independent spirits into doing right by my brother and wanting to withdraw from anything that gave SIL access to me.

 

Nothing was easy. My nephew tried to direct and control, including what he knew about my issues with his mom, for example, by texting me on the way that I should delay because no one had yet arrived yet. My kids wouldn't/couldn't talk about it with me and, I think, felt that the way to help me was by being normal chatty cathys with SIL. But then we all go out to dinner, I'm the last one in, and which chair has been left vacant? Yep, the one next to SIL.

 

She asked me about the family albums, and I took a shortcut to the end and said, "Yes, I'd planned to take them," and mentioned the other items I wanted. So I did that while everyone else chatted Sun. morning. My bro & other SIL might have taken that as antisocial, but I'm going back to visit them alone tomorrow.

 

So it was EXACTLY like I'd predicted. She visited with my daughters-in-law a long time as new members of the family. I kind of hovered around conversations different from ones she was in or helped with setup.

 

My other nephew was standoffish and nephew with whom I exchanged emails in advance, was distant at the end of the weekend.

 

This is about my brother #2 and the funeral:

There was a wildcard. As I said, my other brother is a non-reader of social cues and comes across as a jerk. We were in the phase in which everyone was to recount a memory of deceased brother, and he not only couldn't do it but he began, instead, wending anecdote after anecdote of the hard reality that he saw was our family. Not what his brother's children expected or needed.

 

He did share a strong, motivating factor for the reason he'd given up on connecting with deceased brother in recent years. It is RELEVANT to this thread because of

SIL

's growing history of meddling, influence, followed by retreat, play innocent and let everyone else fight out the hard feelings caused. And ONLY I know this.

So

here's THAT story:

Bro2's story was that Bro1 had never - in however many years (we're talking decades) of our adult lives - come to visit him in any house he'd lived in and I know that this is the gesture of friendship that counts most for Bro2.

 

I also know that

SIL

hated being around Bro2. She did all kinds of things to avoid being where he and his family were. She'd felt the same way about me. I learned this from her emails to my

H

. When I came home yesterday and told

H

Bro2's story, he immediately said that

SIL

was probably the reason they never visited.

 

Further evidence of the likelihood that this was the case AND that Bro2 and Bro1 never tried to air their grievances and assumptions is that the same thing happened to me with a different ending. I wanted to go to the cabin at a time when Bro2 and fam were also going. They were having other friends visit, and he told me not to come. I stewed and felt bad about it for months then told him how I felt and why. He said the reason had been

SIL

- not him - and I should have asked him.

 

I actually alluded to my personal experience when Bro2 brought up this feeling of rejection he'd felt from Bro1. I even turned to

SIL

in front of everyone and said, "

So

maybe you were the one who couldn't or didn't want to go and [bro1] didn't say that." She laughed and shrugged as if it's a reasonable possibility but not in a way that confirmed or acknowledged her even remembering.

 

As the nephews continued to prompt Bro2 with questions about his relationship with their father, he would not actually admit to any closeness and kind of veered off into rambling stories that sometimes revealed interesting details about Bro1 incidentally but highlighted himself more in irrelevant ways. He also revealed some shocking and totally inappropriate details about the seedier, unkinder sides of our father and grandfather, by way of explaining why he's a jerk himself.

 

His weird, jumbled narrative revealed much about him but flattened the moment for his brother's children. They will realize some day, I hope, that the fact of his presence should was the best statement. It was a lesson in the futility of expectation.

Now, wha-a-a-t you're asking? If not me, then why didn't someone else stop him? His wife perhaps. Well, I'm not sure but imagine they're scratching their heads the same as I am today, wondering how we let it happen. For one thing, the women coped by turning to talk amongst themselves and ignore it. At some point, both nephews gave up and joined the conversation because Bro 2 has always been weirdly charismatic and entertaining, and it was fascinating and new information.

 

I am not proud of my inability to react at the time, channel my mother or whatever and rein him in, but I never did take that role as the youngest. I'm feeling pretty lousy about it, kind of like letting my mother down or something, and don't want to hear that it's understandable because I had this or that on my mind. I want to hear maybe that my nephews will be okay even though we, the family they counted on to honor their dad, let them down.

 

I wrote them both emails and apologized for letting it happen and tried to say it doesn't change the fact of their dad's mark on this world, his beauty and goodness.

 

Families are crazy. There have been enough sitcoms to great tragedies written about it to know our vulnerabilities to this sh-t and our reactions to the reactions will always keep the wheel going, nice and round and steady.

 

For myself, well, what the hell. There's no conveying to anyone what I feel, why it's important and what I need. Obviously SIL never got it, still doesn't. Plus, she is the best I've ever seen at engaging others, getting them to feel safe, appreciated, even understood. Everyone was trying to be nice. And, yeah, whether they say anything or not, I don't feel like projecting my problem ahead of their grieving. I kind of did anyway with the email exchanges the day before (he did ask) but think he will resent it some day just like his brother seems to now. I'll try to release him of guilt. He needs to support his mom.

 

What I have wanted to do for three years, I still believe is the right, best thing to do but don't know when I'll be able to do it. That is, to write SIL The Letter that will make her understand why it has to be this way. She really is co-dependent and doesn't think for herself. I think I have to spell it out without rancor, like a 3rd-party report.

 

Now, last item. I'm going back tomorrow to tell my brother and his wife about the A between my H and our SIL. I agree with most people here in general that they need to know whether I or anyone else ever sees them again. I also want to tell him about my strong theory about why the fraternal visits never happened.

 

That's it. Blech. Over. Almost.

Edited March 23, 2015 by merrmeade

[sidney2718]

merrmeade: No matter how this turns out, you need to know that there are lots of us here on TAM who are rooting for you. You DO have friends and folks who understand.

[merrmeade]

There was one trigger: her perfume on the counter in the bathroom. A fragrance (whether it's the same exact bottle or not) he gave to her well in advance of her birthday two years in a row. I threw his matching fragrance in a dumpster (one year he bought a his and hers, saying it was just a great fragrance). He told me when I discovered the invoice for both years that it was a group gift from our son and the nephews, but the card said "Love, [WH]" both years. He'd even had the incredible callousness to ask me once before DDay if I knew about this new fragrance (which he'd never given me or any other for that matter)....

 

Anyway, that was a trigger. And to realize that she would wear it now and think about that special gesture from him - even if it's because she gets compliments on it or whatever - she would have to think about its origin.

 

I really feel like - if I never say anything to her ever - emailing her everything I know about that bottle of perfume that I saw on the counter in the bathroom this weekend during my family's memorial for my brother.

[merrmeade]

merrmeade: No matter how this turns out, you need to know that there are lots of us here on TAM who are rooting for you. You DO have friends and folks who understand.

Sorry but what's TAM?

[merrmeade]

Forgot to comment on this:

Originally Posted by Oberfeldwebel

... I hope that over time that you can come to forgive your SIL, not for her, but for you. You are carrying this affair around like a lead weight. Naturally it is not easy and will take time, but hope that you eventually get there some day.

 

Secondly, for most people, NC with the OW is much easier, you get a new job, new church, new neighborhood and they are gone. When it is intertwined with your family, there just isn’t a good solution. This is compounded since you are attempting to reconcile with your spouse. Other will see the fact that you can forgive your husband, so why can’t you forgive her? Your nephew loves both his Aunt and his mother and doesn’t want to lose either, particularly since he has lost his father already. You can ostracize her, but in doing so ostracize yourself from your nephews and many family events which would include their mother.

 

Lastly, I believe in exposure as it brings the truth to light. When things are kept secret, half-truths and innuendos tend to prevail. People may see it from a different point, but at least they can understand why you feel the way you do. I would suggest that you and SIL try to come to a Missouri Compromise for future family events to allow you stay engaged with your brother children. []

 

Originally Posted by road

There is no compromise with NC. Either there no contact or there is contact. This BW needs NC with the OW. Thus this affair needs to be exposed to the grandparents, parents, siblings. Thus, the family will be able to assist in NC between the OW and the BW.

They're both right, but - never thought I'd say this - what Oberfelder suggests might be possible some day in the very, very distant future, if I can still walk, talk and remember people's names.

[minimariah]

There is no compromise with NC. Either there no contact or there is contact.

This BW needs NC with the OW. Thus this affair needs to be exposed to the grand parents, parents, siblings. Thus the family will be able to assist in NC between the OW and the BW.

 

all. of. this.

 

the family needs to know about the A.

 

i really admire you for your strength and patience, merrmeade. if i were you, i would be divorced a long time ago.

[merrmeade]

fyi - oberfeldwel: I didn't put the "sick" faces about your post; they were for the prospect of having such a conversation with SIL.

 

But your post has intrigued me like no other with each of the suggestions you made. I went back and skimmed through your posts and personal story to get a sense of how and why you suggest what you do and felt that you have a knack for getting the essence of some situations. You've suggested what most people back away from at a time that I am not completely threatened by it. I'm not ready and don't have a plan for it, but, for once, it was not anathema. You got that. All of the things you said. Not ready to sit at the negotiating table and don't know if I ever will be. She's a lawyer and, as can be seen from the weekend missteps, I'm not so great on the spur of the moment. I don't trust her and don't trust myself to be able to come away from such a conversation not feeling I'd further humiliated myself.

[beach]

I would have had a hard time not smashing that bottle into a million pieces and leaving it for her to clean up!!!

 

As for her son... Your nephew - he may have seen a possible problem and tried to diffuse it ahead of time. In any case he's obviously the peacemaker. Maybe his Mom asked him to approach you on the topic. It's rare that any child will criticize the Mom - that Mom role rarely gets criticism from a child, and most kids defend their Mom no matter what - BUT he knows what his Mom is capable of and the pain she inflicts onto others while smiling. I think he played his cards well and retreated to guard his Mom at the end of that day. He may have been worried you planned to expose right there. Poor guy - he must feel torn but betrayed as well.

 

It's better that your brother didn't know ahead of time - his talk may have been even more crazy.

 

 

But either way I'm glad you stood firm and had class about going. It's over now.

 

When you feel less emotional about it all - that's the right time to expose her and what she's done with your husband. It's not even worth talking to her about it (she lies) it IS worth telling everyone else. Then say nothing to any of them. No explanations, no taking phone calls - heck, if they need details they can ask your husband! HE should be the front runner on the firing line - not you! Him hiding at home and watching you have to grin and bear all her crap is despicable.

Edited March 24, 2015 by beach