Burying Brother's Ashes at Scene of Crime: Will BS Be Triggered into Pieces?

[merrmeade]

Good.

 

But I'd also be done with all of the pussy-footing around with relatives. If people are uncomfortable, well then they can take a number. You've carried this solo for too long.

 

I'd have a line prepared for people that don't get it. Something like, "That stupid bitch betrayed my brother in that cabin and it's a travesty that this ceremony is being held there. I've got no interest in attending. I'll honor my brother in my own way."

I liked the brass knuckles suggestion personally. Been opening and closing my fists all day...

[BetrayedH]

I liked the brass knuckles suggestion personally. Been opening and closing my fists all day...

 

I've had it with your SiL. I'd buy a plane ticket to come see you slap the smirk off her face and announce to everyone what a farce that ceremony is. I haven't heard one iota of compassion for you since your multiple Dday, trickle truth nonsense began and burying his remains at the scene of the crime is ridiculous. And people there will all be expressing sympathy for her loss and she'll be sucking up the attention. Gag. Barf.

 

I'm glad you're not attending. You're a better person than I because at this point, I'd probably make sure everyone knew why I wasn't.

[truncated]

If I were in your shoes, I;d like to think that I would just let your sister in law live in the muck she created for herself. ( mind you, that's easy to say, maybe not easy to do). your brother probably wouldn't want you feeling any more pain over this than you already have.

 

As you move on from this and heal and travel on your way to a place in your life where you are happy again, think of your brother as being somewhere cheering you on, always in your corner no matter what.

[merrmeade]

It's sort of not going to be so easy.

 

So my kids have a problem now about going for other reasons. (My other brother's kids didn't come but then they live out of state.)

 

I can't get a refund on the hotel room - full fee penalty for cancellation less than 7 days.

 

SIL just texted me with a warm invitation to stay with them at the cabin...

 

Okay, I can do this...

[Noirek]

It's sort of not going to be so easy.

 

So my kids have a problem now about going for other reasons. (My other brother's kids didn't come but then they live out of state.)

 

I can't get a refund on the hotel room - full fee penalty for cancellation less than 7 days.

 

SIL just texted me with a warm invitation to stay with them at the cabin...

 

Okay, I can do this...

 

I know everyone who has been betrayed instantly believes the most evil of ideas. But is it possible your sil is doing this and the friendly invite because she wants to pretend like nothing happened? For her it might be too much to handle the guilt of her actions so if she is the grieving wife then maybe she feels better about herself. There are people who lie to themselves so much they will completely rewrite their own history in their minds. Obviously it could all be about you and getting a dig at you. But I was just wondering if she is really doing this to try to make a new history and feel less guilty for the real one. When I put the story together it does seem twisted her spreading the ashes there. I just would believe that she is doing it less as a pure evil last act and more as a pathetic attempt to pretend she did nothing wrong. Either case of course if you feel not going is best for you don't go. The money is already spent wether you use the reservation or not.

 

What are your reasons for not sharing with your family what happened?

[BetrayedH]

It's sort of not going to be so easy.

 

So my kids have a problem now about going for other reasons. (My other brother's kids didn't come but then they live out of state.)

 

I can't get a refund on the hotel room - full fee penalty for cancellation less than 7 days.

 

SIL just texted me with a warm invitation to stay with them at the cabin...

 

Okay, I can do this...

 

Ask her if she can fit the whole cabin up her a$$.

[BetrayedH]

This reminds me of a biblical quote by Samuel L Jackson's character in Pulp Fiction...

 

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!"

 

Of course, God also says that vengeance is His. You probably oughta listen to Truncated.

[Lion Heart]

I want nothing more than to tell you not to go and to hell with anyone that doesn't get it. But that doesn't sound like an option you're considering.

 

My next thought is to make sure you have a set of brass knuckles in your purse. That might not be the best advice to follow.

 

At the end of the day though, I get it. And I would very likely attend, to pay my respects to my brother.

 

I think you do as you discussed with your IC. Communicate your three points (briefly) and leave it at that.

 

If she fails to respect that, I would unleash hellfire and damnation upon her right there at the funeral in front of the whole fam damily. Frankly, I think your brother would appreciate either scenario.

 

Whatever you do, walk with your head held high. Nobody's got anything on you, mermeade.

 

THIS X a million.

 

Just another thing, I knew you were intent on attending. I understand your reasons.

 

If I were your brother (and remember he KNOWS EVERYTHING NOW) I would hold you close and say "I'm HERE, with you! I'm not in a glade near the cabin. I'm everywhere and it's amazing. You can do this for mum and dad and you but why? When I'm here, with you."

 

I want you to go for you but I don't want you to go to protect you.

 

Be strong. This weekend too will end. It will pass.

 

Many big hugs

LH

[merrmeade]

I know everyone who has been betrayed instantly believes the most evil of ideas. But is it possible your sil is doing this and the friendly invite because she wants to pretend like nothing happened? For her it might be too much to handle the guilt of her actions so if she is the grieving wife then maybe she feels better about herself. There are people who lie to themselves so much they will completely rewrite their own history in their minds. Obviously it could all be about you and getting a dig at you. But I was just wondering if she is really doing this to try to make a new history and feel less guilty for the real one. When I put the story together it does seem twisted her spreading the ashes there. I just would believe that she is doing it less as a pure evil last act and more as a pathetic attempt to pretend she did nothing wrong. Either case of course if you feel not going is best for you don't go. The money is already spent wether you use the reservation or not.

 

What are your reasons for not sharing with your family what happened?

Not just possible but probable, N, which is exactly the point. Of course, she's guilty and wants everybody to "just get along." I don't expect any digs. It's the pretense that's the problem. Talking about my husband casually as if her EA was good, normal and deserving of recognition, no problem, by the rest of our world? THAT's a problem. Play along with f--king "pretend like nothing happened"??!! Don't you see how that's as great a disrespect and injury as the thing itself! That right there is the whole point. I am not over it BECAUSE of trying to rug-sweep, make light, gloss-over pretenses from anyone - from my husband (a lot), from my nephew, from my son. The THING happened. Her presence or threat of seeing her REMINDS me of it, of all they did, all she did and said, all the denial and twisted remake of the facts. I've processed a lot of this crap with my spouse, but not with her - nor will I ever. I don't need that for the sake of a relationship with her or anyone. I have no reason to and cannot (not as a choice).

 

You don't get it because it didn't happen to you. But I do very much appreciate your responses and concern, N. Your first post touched me.

[Noirek]

Not just possible but probable, N, which is exactly the point. Of course, she's guilty and wants everybody to "just get along." I don't expect any digs. It's the pretense that's the problem. Talking about my husband casually as if her EA was good, normal and deserving of recognition, no problem, by the rest of our world? THAT's a problem. Play along with f--king "pretend like nothing happened"??!! Don't you see how that's as great a disrespect and injury as the thing itself! That right there is the whole point. I am not over it BECAUSE of trying to rug-sweep, make light, gloss-over pretenses from anyone - from my husband (a lot), from my nephew, from my son. The THING happened. Her presence or threat of seeing her REMINDS me of it, of all they did, all she did and said, all the denial and twisted remake of the facts. I've processed a lot of this crap with my spouse, but not with her - nor will I ever. I don't need that for the sake of a relationship with her or anyone. I have no reason to and cannot (not as a choice).

 

You don't get it because it didn't happen to you. But I do very much appreciate your responses and concern, N. Your first post touched me.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by I don't get it. My theory on why was in response to other posters not you. I think you misunderstood my post. I was not trying to say her rugsweeping or possibly self delusion was good but rather why she is being so sweet and nice. I do understand the fact this is in the family it has a heap more crap with it. And maybe you don't want to draw a line and force people to choose sides. I'm not much for that either but in the case of an affair being entirely withinthe family I am completely for the entire truth coming out and then the family knowing what the h*ll is going on.

 

That last part is close to home for me because I am someone's confident in a messy divorce. And I want with all my heart for her to speak up and put some of the missing puzzle pieces on the table. She believes she is taking the high road but she is also hoping that people give her the benefit of the doubt. Sadly, they are not because her husband is lying through his teeth. I feel bad for the family who believe him because she won't tell them the whole story. But I understand why she doesn't either and feel badly for her too.

 

If your family actually does know and I've got it all confused I apologize. You have a lot of posts and I have only read here and there. I am glad your WH is supporting you in this. I hope things get better for you soon.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am so very glad you have decided not to go. I really feel like your brother would understand...and i Don't think you need to out yourself through this.

 

I am proud of your decision!

[merrmeade]

Thank you, but what did you mean by this?

...and i Don't think you need to out yourself through this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

typo...i don't think you need to

PUT yourself through this

[merrmeade]

I'm not sure what you mean by I don't get it. My theory on why was in response to other posters not you. I think you misunderstood my post. I was not trying to say her rugsweeping or possibly self delusion was good but rather why she is being so sweet and nice. I do understand the fact this is in the family it has a heap more crap with it. And maybe you don't want to draw a line and force people to choose sides. I'm not much for that either but in the case of an affair being entirely withinthe family I am completely for the entire truth coming out and then the family knowing what the h*ll is going on.

 

That last part is close to home for me because I am someone's confident in a messy divorce. And I want with all my heart for her to speak up and put some of the missing puzzle pieces on the table. She believes she is taking the high road but she is also hoping that people give her the benefit of the doubt. Sadly, they are not because her husband is lying through his teeth. I feel bad for the family who believe him because she won't tell them the whole story. But I understand why she doesn't either and feel badly for her too.

 

If your family actually does know and I've got it all confused I apologize. You have a lot of posts and I have only read here and there. I am glad your WH is supporting you in this. I hope things get better for you soon.

I wrote all this before reading your post and realize something - besides the fact that we misunderstood each other - that is how much I'm obsessing over OW, triggering like crazy and PURGING by writing all this. I'm going to paste what I wrote and then make an observation:

 

It's the "if she is the grieving wife" that's the rub. She resented the hell out of him. She was moving toward separation when he had a massive stroke yet had to support him (emotionally, not financially) for five years, while living 6 hours away. My

H

's involvement was because he converted the garage into an extra room for my brother. But she didn't want to take care of her

H

at home with the excuse that there were no good caretakers in that part of the country,

so

he was sent to a nursing home six hours away. And now she's the grieving widow. This is still true, and I have a problem with this.

 

Then, she later gave me all the gobbledy-gook about men and women friendships. She actually told me once that she'd been approached by other men after my B's stroke but my

H

was "the only one" — like I'

m

supposed to be flattered? She considered the

EA

acceptable, the "90% friendship" that ALMOST cancelled out the dirty 10% and has no qualms referring to it. A straight-up admission that ALL of it was wrong, as my

H

has always confirmed, would have gone a long way. She has no issue making reference to him with extended family, which conveys entitlement and absence of shame. Her mention of him - or the possibility of it - with familiarity, interest, warmth or concern is only possible because of her exclusive involvement in his life as his 3-year confidante. It implies acceptance of their illicit relationship and insults me.

 

She was miserable being with my family in the past for we were too free-spirited, spontaneous, playful, loud and unstructured for her sensibilities. She'd call it our lack of boundaries (and her yoke). In emails, she and my

H

commiserated about having to tolerate us during holidays. This was her anal, ass-wipe personality trying to justify her inability to control us and our straight-up joie de vivre that made her uncomfortable and nervous.

So

that's a moot point now, I guess. The joie de vivre as well.

So that's a lot of purging. And now I'm wondering something. Maybe that's what I had to do because I probably would not be thinking about it there. I've been triggering about the anticipation of seeing her. It was like that at the funeral in Nov., but, once there, there were enough other people we didn't have to interact. This would also be that way. I am not sure I'll trigger there the same way I am triggering here. And I don't think she'll mess with me if I don't mess with her. She's been taking antidepressants and seeing therapists for so long that sometimes my therapist triggers me because my sil is constantly saying those catch phrases about respecting and clarifying boundaries, not having expectations, yadayada. I mean, she is able to give a wide margin if it's indicated. She usually has her own actually.

 

There are some other things tugging at my heart that we didn't have time for at IC. My other brother. I haven't seen him in several years. He's the only surviving member of my nuclear family. Since the death of my other brother, I've needed to see him. What if he doesn't come to see me for whatever reason? I don't know his itinerary., and he was counting on my going there. I will be so sad if I miss seeing him. I'm not going to dismiss that feeling just because I had a good reason not to go. Of course, he should want to see me, too, and make the effort, but what if he can't.

 

The other thing is my kids. When I told them they said they would go but were disappointed BECAUSE they were only going for me. It didn't feel the same. They were not expecting anything from me and were not doing it for anyone else - not for themselves or for the sake of the extended family, but for me.

 

After all, for everyone else, it is about my brother. And it was for me as well until yesterday.

 

I'm sorry I'm waffling, but is it really? It's like someone said on p. 1 of this thread - how will I feel in five, ten years about this decision? Next week? Is what I will miss going to be bigger than what I thought this morning was my limit? I really liked what Lion Heart wrote, too, on p. 1, giving me a list of techniques, mantras and meditation strategies so to speak to keep my heart and head clear.

 

I loved my brother.

[Lion Heart]

I loved my brother.

 

I am sorry for your loss Merrmeade.

Your brother was a very fortunate one indeed to have a sister who loved him so much.

 

You're not waffling one bit.

I can understand everything you've said and this exSIL is a two faced cow.

 

Hopefully soon you can expose the affair and feel supported from wider afield.

 

I am so glad you came to LS and posted your thread.

Sometimes IC just isn't enough.

 

Lion Heart.

[Hope Shimmers]

Your sister in law will get hers. I believe in Karma. If anyone deserves it, she does.

 

I'm sorry for the agony you are going through. I think that if you decide to go, it should be for you, and you only. It should be what you need. And if that is the case, I think you should treat your SIL as if she is part of the furniture and just ignore her and walk away. You have every reason to hold your head high. She should be ashamed beyond words, but people like that don't get it and never will. Don't waste your valuable time and energy on her. She's not worth it.

 

I'm sorry about your brother.

[merrmeade]

I am so glad you came to LS and posted your thread.

You and I both! I am so bowled over and heartened by the outpouring of support and FEELING, literally buoyed up and carried.

 

Such a strange group of friends this is, disembodied and faceless, but gathered 'round more palpably and firmly than real family.

 

Can't imagine how alone it would have felt had I waited even one more day to post. As it is, I feel so peaceful and well. I can only compare it to how my parents used to make me feel—respected, valued and understood.

 

I gathered up the timely nuggets of things I can DO in a tight situation (if I go) and printed out a little go-to reference sheet, with colored ink

Edited March 19, 2015 by merrmeade

[sandylee1]

My heart goes out to you being in this awful situation. I can only imagine the agony. I agree with the affair being exposed to the rest of the family. She needs to be seen for what she is.

 

I also realise that your H will have some repercussions, because the family won't be best pleased with him either. Unfortunately that is a potential consequence of having an affair.

 

Whilst I can't fathom such a betrayal, by far the most annoying and unforgivable thing is your SIL'S failure to apologise, take responsibility, accept that every part of it was WRONG and be on to have been down on bended knees for showing you and your brother such disrespect.

 

She wouldn't recognise decency if it bit her in the face.

[merrmeade]

I also realise that your H will have some repercussions, because the family won't be best pleased with him either. Unfortunately that is a potential consequence of having an affair.

 

Whilst I can't fathom such a betrayal, by far the most annoying and unforgivable thing is your SIL'S failure to apologise, take responsibility, accept that every part of it was WRONG and be on to have been down on bended knees for showing you and your brother such disrespect.

 

She wouldn't recognise decency if it bit her in the face.

Bingo.

 

Many insights here. Yes, I didn't tell this brother because he couldn't have helped me and might even have hurt. He is lovable but not loving and has zero emotional sensitivity. I was too raw to trust my feelings to him then. Also this brother and my husband had had a bit of a falling out about the cabin a few years ago, so, yes, I thought that my "H will have some repercussions" that we didn't need on top of our own constant volatility at that time.

 

SIL probably thinks she apologized. She sent a 3-line card three months post DDay that read. "Please forgive me. It was mutual. We were needy." At the time, I was touched and told her I forgave her and she immediately reverted to her true serpent state. That was a crazy conversation.

 

In fact, I made a list once of what she said so that I could be clear, not forget, be my own witness. I'll edit, but this will really feel good....

 

The highlights:

0. "Dear __, Please forgive me. It was mutual. We were needy..."

1. "WHY did you go off and leave him alone here?"

2. "It was fun."

3. "What about ME?"

4. "I was all alone all summer. You had your family."

5. "Your brother let your H stay here for x years, most of it rent free."

6. "It must be so hard for you to have to organize and pack up."

6. "Why don't you pay movers to box it all up and just go?"

7. "After your vicious emails, I blocked you from my email account."

8. "Here's compensation for the work done. It hasn't been that clean since your mother died.It was fairly clean. It was fairly clean." (2x)

9. "I'm not really used to talking about my sexual experiences in public."

10. "But wasn't there another betrayal some years ago?"

11. "I don't know what to do about your children."

12. "Why didn't we tell [your brother]?"

13. "I certainly hope we can be friends again some day."

 

priceless piece of humanity

[badpenny]

Wait for the anniversary of your brother's death, then put a full-page ad in a local paper revealing her treachery.

 

Make sure every single detail is true and accurate.

That way she can't sue you for defamation of character. Particularly if you quote her directly. If she said it, it must be true.....

[Mrs. John Adams]

yep....I would not be able to stomach being anywhere near her for fear i would have my hands around her neck.....

 

If you can do this...you are a better woman than I am.....

I just cannot imagine a more self centered, selfish person than the woman you have described....I hope and pray even at my lowest...I could not have been this cruel and unfeeling toward someone i had just scarred for life.

 

I am so very sorry for you merrmeade.....hugs

[DbleBetrayal]

 

The highlights:

0. "Dear __, Please forgive me. It was mutual. We were needy..."

1. "WHY did you go off and leave him alone here?"

2. "It was fun."

3. "What about ME?"

4. "I was all alone all summer. You had your family."

5. "Your brother let your H stay here for x years, most of it rent free."

6. "It must be so hard for you to have to organize and pack up."

6. "Why don't you pay movers to box it all up and just go?"

7. "After your vicious emails, I blocked you from my email account."

8. "Here's compensation for the work done. It hasn't been that clean since your mother died.It was fairly clean. It was fairly clean." (2x)

9. "I'm not really used to talking about my sexual experiences in public."

10. "But wasn't there another betrayal some years ago?"

11. "I don't know what to do about your children."

12. "Why didn't we tell [your brother]?"

13. "I certainly hope we can be friends again some day."

 

priceless piece of humanity

 

 

She was a real snake in the grass wasn't she. It's so weird how the OW have that common trait of being evil but really dopey at the same time.

[harrybrown]

Have you H help you.

 

He can tell the family all about it.

 

He is supposed to be supporting you and helping you heal for his betrayal.

 

Time for your H to man up, tell the family and expose the A. If he is remorseful, he should have no problem letting all of the family know.

 

I am glad that he is keeping distance and NC with the OW.

 

Hope that you get peace soon. Sorry about your brother.

[merrmeade]

Have you H help you.

 

He can tell the family all about it.

 

He is supposed to be supporting you and helping you heal for his betrayal.

 

Time for your H to man up, tell the family and expose the A. If he is remorseful, he should have no problem letting all of the family know.

 

I am glad that he is keeping distance and NC with the OW.

 

Hope that you get peace soon. Sorry about your brother.

Not a bad idea at all (about my husband). It would be interesting, good for him but there is absolutely NO possibility that he would go. None whatsoever. The NC between him and OW is sacrosanct. No exceptions ever for any reason or adjustment of circumstances. Non negotiable.

 

fyi - I'm still considering going again but there should be no need to interact with her. My sons are fine handling that. I would not like dealing with her sons' wistful asking after my H, however.

 

Here's her latest communication (which I didn't answer):

merrmeade -

W

says you, Y and Z will be coming. Y'all are welcome to stay at the cabin with us. We'll manage to find a place for everyone to sleep. Weather permitting we'll bury the ashes Saturday afternoon at 2. Really look forward to being with you. -- snakeinthegrass

PS. I hope you will bring the power point.

Edited March 19, 2015 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

She was a real snake in the grass wasn't she. It's so weird how the OW have that common trait of being evil but really dopey at the same time.

Yeah, good characterization with the dopey. Don't you just love #12?