Burying Brother's Ashes at Scene of Crime: Will BS Be Triggered into Pieces?

[Noirek]

I am glad you went. I know in the long run you might have regreted not going more than going. And I am glad you have decided to share the A with more family. I think it will probably lift a huge weight off your shoulders and help with NC. Who knows maybe your sil will find a new man since she is codependant and not be apart of your family so much anymore?

[merrmeade]

I would have had a hard time not smashing that bottle into a million pieces and leaving it for her to clean up!!!

 

As for her son... Your nephew - he may have seen a possible problem and tried to diffuse it ahead of time. In any case he's obviously the peacemaker. Maybe his Mom asked him to approach you on the topic. It's rare that any child will criticize the Mom - that Mom role rarely gets criticism from a child, and most kids defend their Mom no matter what - BUT he knows what his Mom is capable of and the pain she inflicts onto others while smiling. I think he played his cards well and retreated to guard his Mom at the end of that day. He may have been worried you planned to expose right there. Poor guy - he must feel torn but betrayed as well.

 

It's better that your brother didn't know ahead of time - his talk may have been even more crazy.

 

But either way I'm glad you stood firm and had class about going. It's over now.

 

When you feel less emotional about it all - that's the right time to expose her and what she's done with your husband. It's not even worth talking to her about it (she lies) it IS worth telling everyone else. Then say nothing to any of them. No explanations, no taking phone calls - heck, if they need details they can ask your husband! HE should be the front runner on the firing line - not you! Him hiding at home and watching you have to grin and bear all her crap is despicable.

Yeah, I think you're right, beach. And not only that, I am not up to making tomorrow about telling Bro2 about the A. I haven't seen him in some years and don't know when I'll see him again. There are other things to process with them, first.

 

What I'm about to relate is true and not a pretty story:

After my father died, Bro2 and wife wanted to use the cabin, but it was no longer a family cabin; it was my husband's home. I'd left my husband there to recover from a transplant while I did volunteer work abroad. Months turned to years. He was broke and had health problems, none of which he told me about. H went somewhere for a few weeks while they stayed there and returned to find all his personal things piled up in the middle of the floor. It was the ultimate humiliation. Not only had I virtually left him without support or resources, my brother's actions said essentially, "Get out." My father, other brother, SIL and sons supported my husband, saying to everyone that the cabin was his home now.

 

If you separate all this out and look at Bro2 and wife's actions, they were incensed that he was usurping a birthright, but Bro2 should have been mad at me, not at my husband. I was the reason that my husband was living at my family's cabin so that they were preventing from enjoying it freely as in the past. Instead, they took their resentment out on him. My husband told me what they'd done, but I still didn't take action. No one was able to shake me out of the delusional thinking that it would all work out. I made a very bad call, wanting to believe it was temporary and doable.

 

I'm going to see my brother tomorrow and that's all. We need to just be. Our brother just died. He hasn't even figured out how to grieve for that or acknowledged that he needs to. There are clearly unresolved issues with many things. I feel the same way I did the first time I decided not to tell him: He's incapable of giving me the support I need, and I don't think it will help me or anyone else to tell him.

 

I need to stop this thread and just be with some things now.

[beach]

Hugs........

[merrmeade]

I didn't mean I would shut down. Just tired of super long reports and reassembling my family skeletons 5 generations back and 4 extended families away.

 

Answer to the thread title question:

No, BS wasn't triggered into pieces.

 

If there's a takeaway for others - beyond all the weird soap opera of my particular family - it might be some of this:Maybe triggers are "triggers" because of imagination; they get power from the thoughts about them, especially thinking about them in advance. When I got to the event I'd been so terrified of, it was just annoying - not life-alteringly traumatic. But the week before, the thought of going made me cry and hyperventilate.

 

I remember 1-1/2 years ago, when we were coming back to our native state, the state where the A had occurred, I started having panic attacks. It was a 3-day trip. The night before was the worst panic attack of all of them. Then, we drove into the state, even drove through the town of the A. I was fine.

 

When we were to come back to the town and visit my brother in the nursing home, I had another panic attack, but once we got there, I was fine again. We were even able to go to the cabin for an hour.

[merrmeade]

I put this on hold until I got back because there were some specific points I wanted to address. I also had a feeling that I'd get more out of it this way.

Mermeade, I'm hoping you don't feel pressure from anyone here to out the A full stop.

 

TBH you have enough to deal with right now. Adding another layer besides attending the memorial (outing the A to broader family or friends) is just something you can deal with as you wish at a later date.

 

Ofcourse IMO everyone should know. The big BUTT is here, for the pure sake of SUPPORT for you. I guess for the matter of truth & fact as well.

Hmmm, whaddaya know. I was right. This means more now than it did before as confirmation of my decision just now to wait on the to out or not to out question.

As I read the last couple of pages of this thread, things written by you rang a very strong bell with me. I want to share what I've learnt recently (from my psych BF, books and a website culminated). It's ESP since our WHs behaved in an extremely similar way but mine has changed in depth and shared this fearfully & tearfully only tonight.

 

Please take the time to digest this, read up, share and make new scripts in the future.

 

The underlying premise to my point is this: people you out the A to will usually respond only with what previous background knowledge THEY have when presented with (shocking) new information / paradigms. Esp when their preconceived concepts of a person is severely challenged. VERY few are capable of expressing empathy which results in compassion immediately off the bat. (Our DDs being exceptions to this. Mine started to vomit when I phoned her immediately after WH phoned me at the gym & told me of his A. Yours showing complete empathy also).

Depending on a person's depth of character is how they respond. Eg if a person has depth = empathy. If a person has flawed character = crazy speak reaction / anger at you. Too simple for broad generalizations but you get my drift. I'll illustrate this quickly: my "best friend" came to my home to comfort me on the night I found out about exWH As. 9 mth old DD etc. After listening for about 1 hour her response was this "I don't know what you're carrying on about. You'll just divorce him and marry someone else, heaps of people have asked you to marry them." What the ffff... actually I did. When I was expecting my twins to new H YEARS later, Drs told me to terminate them. She was the ONLY person to angrily reinforce Drs view. I went NC. Ex best friend was reacting from a premise of jealousy on both occasions. I didn't see this at all because I'm not a jealous person.

Same with this. It proves veritably providential. My Bro2's outbursts about his take on our childhood proved that he's not the person I should choose to 'out' to off the bat.

Ok. I predict NC of sorts MAY need to occur for you with anyone with similar responses ie. Cruel, uncaring etc. Be prepared for this.

Duly heeded. Not good at realizing when, how or why I need to protect myself .

My main point is for you to investigate all you can about "Villifying the victim" George K. Simon I believe gives the best account. By TT or not telling the ENTIRE story. A WS gathers sympathy. They withold important information when relaying "evil" deeds so THEY can maintain their status quo ie other people's good opinion of them. They villify US who are actually the victims so that WE look real bad and they are excused for ANY behaviour.

On it. plan to find it asap

Once I read this to my WH about 4w ago, he was horrified that he'd done just that for YEARS.

I had his number. WH only started coming clean with his family and friends with ONE fact of what he'd also done previous to his A and was met with shock, disgust etc. He has a WHOLE lot more to tell and has decided to do this as he processes his OWN behaviour. Plus new diagnoses etc.

 

From excerpts of the emails OW sent you, she was doing and will continue to try to do this very thing. I intuit your WH has done similar by snippets I gathered when you've written about him.

 

THIS is why you feel such injustice.

THIS may also be why said cousin and others are not sympathetic to you. And they should be. You're the victim here.

 

Get your power back by researching this!

 

Prepare your scripts at a later date.

 

I've gone NC with ALL my WHs family and friends UNTIL he's told them every damaging, anti-marraige thing he's done. The only reason why is because he very quickly ran to them and EAs to report my behaviours completely out of context. YES! For eg I've been crazy mad about WH getting us further into debt and dumping it on me. 4 busted credit cards etc. WH only told them about the "crazy me", never WHY I went crazy. He was attempting to maintain their saintly opinion of him and now some of them are bl**dy angry with him.

 

Sorry that was so long. I also picked 15 ticks off my bush ranging son (who I didn't terminate) in between writing this post! The fffffun! This post probably needs mountains of editing. Sorry.

 

Hope you got something that can help you as you expose the A over time.

 

Big hugs

Lion Heart.

So here's the difference. Something did get through to your WH. He's realizing and agreeing. I tried my WH out again tonight. There was one small event that I asked him to just remember for a few minutes. He got defensive, angry-ish, could not do go anywhere near mea culpa and barely rang close to a genuine apology. So it makes me feel bad that my WH will never in 500 years do IC or read any more affair books. He's still hoping it will just be over one day.

[Lion Heart]

Merrmeade Thankyou for taking the time and energy to keep us posted. You're an incredibly resourceful and wise woman. It's amazing you had any energy for your LS friends at all! Yet you did, graciously. Thankyou.

 

I thought of you so much on the weekend. Here I am a day ahead of you. I tried to visualize an aura of acceptance around you. The compassion and empathy from me to you was already there. By Sunday night (your Saturday) I breathed out and said "I hope it's over for Mermaid". I call you Mermaid.

Maybe you were calm because of acceptance. You show compassion and empathy for others. I don't want to get too deep atm but I will mention 1 thing.

 

An incredible writer on human relationships was Stephen Covey. He's high up in my idol list. He has good clips regarding infidelity you may wish to watch at a later date. He seemed to "get" EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING of human relationships. God rest his soul.

 

One of Covey's catch phrases is "we judge others ACTIONS by OUR OWN intentions". It's certainly a DEEP one! It took days for this concept to sink in with me, 20y ago. I'm still remiss at remembering to employ it when difficult situations arise. It stands me in good stead when I do.

 

His writings have got these concepts peppered all through. They cause AHA moments for people of well developed character. Others without just cannot understand him at all.

 

I think he nailed it there why there are huge chasms in our understanding of OP. The same WHY questions repeated over and over by BSs are a result of not "getting" our spouses AT ALL! Covey illustrates beautifully the depth of character flaws in people who cheat in his clips. They are extremely comforting and informative for us. AHA moments indeed. He absolutely never condones infidelity, EVER. He's just great.

 

I'll leave my deep talking at that for now!

 

I had a tape of his years ago. I'm wondering if that's somewhere online now too. I BET if we listened to it, we'd hear our WHs described in parts throughout. Mine most certainly! It's called the 7 habits of highly ineffective people.

 

NB: Dear Merrmeade, when I write about the AHA moments my WH has, don't think for 1 moment he MAINTAINS these! He most definitely has them, reacts badly usually, I present it 1-100x and maybe he gets something. At times he may act on it, but the responses from others are so foreign and terrifying to him, he stops dead, reverts. It's safer to go back to his comfort zone. He declares he won't villify me from now on but he doesn't even recognize WHEN he does it to stop his bad habits.

I'd bet my house that he's still doing it.

In fact I think he loves the sincere sympathy he gets from falsely villifying me, he's addicted to it now. This was the basis if his EAs. It works for him.

Just needed to add that before you think there's ever any "real progress" here. :-(

 

I'm going to bury myself in Covey material, so I can get busier on instructing and healing my children and myself.

 

Bestest wishes

Lion Heart.

[merrmeade]

Who knows maybe your sil will find a new man since she is codependant..?

I've never doubted this for one second. She probably already had a new one in the shadows, waiting with her for her husband to die.

[beach]

So here's the difference. Something did get through to your WH. He's realizing and agreeing. I tried my WH out again tonight. There was one small event that I asked him to just remember for a few minutes. He got defensive, angry-ish, could not do go anywhere near mea culpa and barely rang close to a genuine apology. So it makes me feel bad that my WH will never in 500 years do IC or read any more affair books. He's still hoping it will just be over one day.

 

Your H has a bad attitude about this. I can't see how to repair the damage he has caused when he acts this way.

 

It can't just be over or go away until he owns what he did and repairs the damage he's caused!

 

The SIL is one thing - but if I had to live with the attitude your H displays and pretend to be ok with it I would not want to stay married to him.

 

When you expose to all - be sure that bomb drops into your husbands lap and not yours! Be sure he is the one that has to answer to others about what he's done, not you.

 

He acts like he's only sorry he got caught.

 

If he's not willing to do the hard work to help you heal (anything and everything you need to get better about the betrayal) then the marriage is still just as broken as when the affair was happening.

 

Your H isn't doing enough. Why are you staying with him when he isn't considering your feelings?

[merrmeade]

Your H has a bad attitude about this. I can't see how to repair the damage he has caused when he acts this way.

 

It can't just be over or go away until he owns what he did and repairs the damage he's caused!

 

The SIL is one thing - but if I had to live with the attitude your H displays and pretend to be ok with it I would not want to stay married to him.

 

When you expose to all - be sure that bomb drops into your husbands lap and not yours! Be sure he is the one that has to answer to others about what he's done, not you.

 

He acts like he's only sorry he got caught.

 

If he's not willing to do the hard work to help you heal (anything and everything you need to get better about the betrayal) then the marriage is still just as broken as when the affair was happening.

 

Your H isn't doing enough. Why are you staying with him when he isn't considering your feelings?

I don't disagree (meaning, I agree).

[road]

I don't disagree (meaning, I agree).

 

 

 

 

Why are you posting instead of exposing?

[Lunay]

I have read all of your posts here and I have to say you are one strong and encouraging woman. I could only wish to be able to have your strength one day. I think I would have done something with that perfume though, perhaps peed in it somehow or maybe added some spit?

 

I am curious how it went with Bro #2 and his wife. Wishing you well.

[Lion Heart]

Why are you posting instead of exposing?

 

I hope you don't mind me chipping in here Merrmeade or road.

I think it's very obvious why merrmeade isn't exposing MORE THAN SHE ALREADY IS right now.

 

Gosh merrmeade isn't ONLY trying to process, she used the word "digest" in another thread, but ALSO deal with the multi-faceted grief (possibly guilt of not exposing to brother in his physically contorted state and terminal outcome) of the death of her brother. BUT ALSO and this is the biggy..... THE A WAS WITHIN HER OWN FAMILY!

 

SO many people merrmeade has loved for decades, her FAMILY, are actually on OWs "side" as in OWs sons are merrmeade's nephews! Merrmeade WAS exposing more and more to at least ONE nephew on the very weekend of burying her own brother's ashes! Her brother!

 

Merrmeade was ALREADY dealing with way too much just at the thought of ATTENDING the service. THIS is the topic of her thread.

 

Sure, maybe if WE all attended the service, WE could've easily taken on one relative each and let them well and truly HAVE IT. MOST of us would LOVE to know that merrmeade had napalmed the lot of them!! But WHERE would THIS leave her?

 

Merrmeade is working, doing IC, which her WH does not attend. Nor does her WH read about how he can heal her or anything else for that matter. She's grieving for SO much!

 

TBH I'm amazed she's still standing after that weekend alone. I'm amazed she gathered enough courage & determination to ATTEND. I'm in awe of merrmeade.

 

I'm 13w 2d since my D Day of my WH A. I'm dealing with WAY too much here BECAUSE WH A involved the staff at the school my 3 chn attend. A volunteer religious instructor was my WH OW! A religion that WH is from, his parents have admonished me for 15y BECAUSE I was not of that religion (never intended to be, never pretended to be and thank MY GOD, never had my own chn initiated INTO that religion at WH request). WH mother has had OW expelled from this position, even attempted to have OW thrown out of the whole religion.

 

A co-worker of mine is OW SIL and trembles with guilt near me. I have hugged, reassured and supported HER! EVEN SHE feels guilt! They've gone NC with OW. I have to deal with this every day I go to work. WH doesn't.

 

AFFAIRS destroy families! Even when the APs are NOT related.

 

Merrmeade will do what she needs to do, when she needs to do it and IF she feels the need to do it. Her first attempts to expose the A to a few relatives had THEM dump it all straight back on merrmeade! NOT a good start. Ofcourse she then retreated back into her shell. He** I would've too!

 

I'm NC with all WH family and friends because of his A. They simply DON'T get it. Blame me! Have torn strips off me. Never offered to mind the children so we can work through this. Nothing. Sure they've offered WH rooms to move in to - great!

They "support" the marriage, bu**sh**. They never have. Accepted WH married the "wrong" woman from the "wrong" religion. Happy to pretend we're "working things out", happy they can keep up appearances. D is a huge thing in their religion and 2/4 of their children are D. The other 2 heading for it. Says more about their parenting than anything. Affairs left, right and plumb on CENTRE!

 

Anyway I get what merrmeade's doing.

Whatever she can COPE with doing.

 

Lion Heart.

[merrmeade]

You know? It doesn't get better than this if, whatever I do, I get support like this. Thanks, LH. You got my back.

 

And now I have an update.

 

I am at the cabin at the moment, writing this post. Feels a little sad, a little anxiety-producing but this may also be because of the conversation I had with Bro2 and wife earlier.

 

I came back to visit longer with them. I'd decided not to expose right now and wait until the current difficulties were past. I'd told my husband as well I'd decided to wait.

 

My brother and I resumed some of the topics begun over the weekend, discussing relatives and family members' difficulties and issues. that he and I had different kinds of information about. Then, finally I said it. I told him the basics, then more and more and finally the whole story.

 

I can barely stay awake but want to share best I can:

OMG!! Bro2 was incredible. Nothing what I'd been expecting. All the things I mentioned about this brother's being so scientific, logical, insensitive? Well, he was none of those things, but the fact that he does live and make decisions by an empirical system meant that what he DID say in support was worth listening to. He was sympathetic, incensed on my behalf, articulated what I'm feeling, added his knowledge of WH and SIL into the explanations of why they've reacted the way they have. Having told someone whose interest is me,

 

His wife (SIL2) hugged me and expressed sympathy as well.

 

It was such a relief. I told them that they were only the 2nd people I'd ever told the WHOLE story to face to face (not counting LS); the first was the therapist. They were in full agreement that I needed to do it, and I know now I did. I just needed someone to be unarguably, unabashedly on my side and be able to say so. I asked them if they would ever be okay with WH and I visiting them together, and they sort of indicated they'd rather I just come.

 

So I realized that the thing that WH and I talked about happening as a result of my telling them did happen. That is, they will not be comfortable around him in future, but Bro said the same thing you guys say. He said whatever difficulty it might create for him he earned himself and that the relief and support I got from it far outweighed.

 

I was the one that had to 'get it' — how much I'd needed what they gave me.

Edited March 25, 2015 by merrmeade

[beach]

I'm so glad they supported you and responded with kindness.

 

I think they reacted to your H appropriately.

 

I'm still left scratching my head as to your reason for staying married when your H has been such a crappy partner even since the affair was discovered?

 

It looks like he's weighing you down - emotionally speaking. He may be the one keeping you from moving forward more than the SIL is.

 

If he can't get his actions and attitude and words in a place that begins to take the full blame for what he did - and start honoring you - and start doing the hard work necessary to change whatever about him is so broken that he would cheat (WITH A FAMILY EVEN) - then he's just not being anything close to a good husband.

 

I hope you have a boundary and I hope you will honor yourself by knowing when that boundary is crossed. It's really not up to you to fix this - it's up to your husband... But it's crappy because he doesn't seem to be carrying his weight to set things right.

 

 

Running and hiding isn't enough - he needs to do more.

[Lion Heart]

You know? It doesn't get better than this if, whatever I do, I get support like this. Thanks, LH. You got my back.

 

And now I have an update.

 

I am at the cabin at the moment, writing this post. Feels a little sad, a little anxiety-producing but this may also be because of the conversation I had with Bro2 and wife earlier.

 

I came back to visit longer with them. I'd decided not to expose right now and wait until the current difficulties were past. I'd told my husband as well I'd decided to wait.

 

My brother and I resumed some of the topics begun over the weekend, discussing relatives and family members' difficulties and issues. that he and I had different kinds of information about. Then, finally I said it. I told him the basics, then more and more and finally the whole story.

 

I can barely stay awake but want to share best I can:

OMG!! Bro2 was incredible. Nothing what I'd been expecting. All the things I mentioned about this brother's being so scientific, logical, insensitive? Well, he was none of those things, but the fact that he does live and make decisions by an empirical system meant that what he DID say in support was worth listening to. He was sympathetic, incensed on my behalf, articulated what I'm feeling, added his knowledge of WH and SIL into the explanations of why they've reacted the way they have. Having told someone whose interest is me,

 

His wife (SIL2) hugged me and expressed sympathy as well.

 

It was such a relief. I told them that they were only the 2nd people I'd ever told the WHOLE story to face to face (not counting LS); the first was the therapist. They were in full agreement that I needed to do it, and I know now I did. I just needed someone to be unarguably, unabashedly on my side and be able to say so. I asked them if they would ever be okay with WH and I visiting them together, and they sort of indicated they'd rather I just come.

 

So I realized that the thing that WH and I talked about happening as a result of my telling them did happen. That is, they will not be comfortable around him in future, but Bro said the same thing you guys say. He said whatever difficulty it might create for him he earned himself and that the relief and support I got from it far outweighed.

 

I was the one that had to 'get it' — how much I'd needed what they gave me.

 

Dear Merrmeade, what an incredible breakthrough! That's fantastic that they responded APPROPRIATELY. Loving, understanding, showing EMPATHY for you. I'm so "happy" and relieved for you. The wagons are circling around you. I hope you feel supported? It most certainly seems they're on your side and "get you".

 

About having your back? Anytime sister!

 

Lion Heart.

[sidney2718]

Sorry but what's TAM?

 

Sorry. That's a reference to another group like Love Shack (LS). There are a number around, each with its own philosophy. If I were you I'd stay here.

[Noirek]

I'm glad you had that support. I think it is probably because of his personality that your brother wasn't one to be "you shoild forgive" and then make your lack of forgiveness the problem. That statement in this situation doesn't fit. As to them not wanting your H around I am sure of he genuinly shows remorse and you actually R they will welcome him into their home again. After all if you stay married that action doesn't really support your marriage. But at this point from your posts it doesn't seem likely you will stay together. I think you just have to get past this season of discovery and loss first.

[merrmeade]

I'm glad you had that support. I think it is probably because of his personality that your brother wasn't one to be "you shoild forgive" and then make your lack of forgiveness the problem. That statement in this situation doesn't fit. As to them not wanting your H around I am sure of he genuinly shows remorse and you actually R they will welcome him into their home again. After all if you stay married that action doesn't really support your marriage. But at this point from your posts it doesn't seem likely you will stay together. I think you just have to get past this season of discovery and loss first.

That's so nice, Noirek, that you pay such close attention to posts to the extent that you get the nuances of all the actors in a situation and project how everything together could play out.

 

Maybe you're right about the end of this story. Whatever it is, it's not going to happen because I follow anybody's script. What I do feel happening is coming from inside. For example, I came home clear, empowered from the grand job my birth family member did of shoring me up, wiping my eyes, grabbing cobwebs and yanking them aside as he did so. One thing he repeated to me several times was that what he'd learned about WH from me did not inform his, already less than sympathetic, feelings toward him. He talked several times about WH's passive-aggressive way of dealing with everything. (Bingo)

 

Looking at WH straight, seeing him for exactly what he is at every moment, keeping my thinking clear in the long run will help me do the right thing.

[Lion Heart]

How are you doing now things have settled after the weekend?

[merrmeade]

How are you doing now things have settled after the weekend?

Well, I am looking forward to IC on Wednesday. Being with my brother was the best thing, telling him my story, hearing his validation in reaction to the story of I've all that I also felt was important but in other terms and, more than anything, reconnecting with my birth family has given me more strength and self-confidence than anything I've done in a long time. He reminded me that my mother was not a fan of my husband's.

 

We also talked about my own mistakes, for example, with money and how I haven't planned for my future. For once, it felt just fine to open up about that without feeling defensive or criticized and was motivating.

 

I came home and watched my husband do the stupid passive-aggressive things he does for communication and thought about my exchanges with you regarding our husbands and IC and resented the fact that he makes excuses for his fear of getting help.

 

I want to stay motivated to get more support and 'new blood,' normal human beings who communicate freely and normally, laugh and share things normally, show love and express appreciation generously. In short, being with anyone in addition to my husband will make me feel better about myself.

[beach]

What motivates you to stay with your husband?

[autumnnight]

Merr, I am not sure what your beliefs are, but I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and (if it's okay) prayers this weekend.

[merrmeade]

What motivates you to stay with your husband?

Hey, beach. I appreciate your concern, and intellectually I agree with you (or what I think you're working on). But this? This is not the way it's going to happen for me. I'll NEVER make a decision or life change of that magnitude based on exchanges on an online forum or even in life. Even things I've decided to do in IC, were not the last word or the deepest dig that finally got me to the action I needed - case in point: this thread. I decided in IC not to go to the memorial at the cabin, but ended up going. Going was right. Seeing my other brother was right. It's all part of a process.

 

Anyway, I don't mind answering your question, though I've answered it other times other places and the basics haven't changed much. It's pretty much the same as other people's in the same situation with different emphasis here and there. But it comes down to - for me - (I think!) to not having a clear plan or another reality I want more.

 

My main plan is building myself up right now. Getting out of the muck of negativity, depression and self-defeatism so that I don't depend on anyone for my happiness ever again and in a way that I can't be misused or dismissed by anyone ever again. I am going to surround myself with people that love, like and enjoy me. I am going to do things that make me see my strengths and goodness. I am going to work on improving my future options on all counts and put some checks and balances in place that keep me from spending my personal nestegg for the sake of my children.

 

My husband is incidental to these goals, so ask me this question once I've ticked them off, each one, and I'm strong, happy, clear and safe. If at that point, I turn my head, look at the person beside me and think, "You? You are dragging me down. You didn't earn the privilege of being my partner anyway, so get lost." - if that happens, it will be like losing a scab that finally healed and fell off. If, on the other hand, that wound heals with new, healthy, glowing skin, well, I guess I'll turn around and smile.

 

That's about it for now!

 

I haven't played my keyboard in a long time. Time to write a new song.

[beach]

 

My husband is incidental to these goals, so ask me this question once I've ticked them off, each one, and I'm strong, happy, clear and safe.

 

 

This is good. Yay for you! Can you describe what this looks like for you? Do you know what your goal will look like?

[merrmeade]

This is good. Yay for you! Can you describe what this looks like for you? Do you know what your goal will look like?

Useful question and good exercise. I accept but it's not that exciting:

1. IC -
   
2. Ignore WH passive bullsh-t :cool:or challenge as needed
   
3. Get out
   
4. Work out
   
5. See new people
   
6. Celebrate/document accomplishments
   
7. More mother/grandmother contact
   
8. Talk to daughter (biggest fan) often
   
9. Visit brother
   
10. Set concrete financial goals, master plan
    
11. Monitor potential WH covert activity. (Jettison dead weight overboard)
    
12. Make music. - :

 

(Feel like I'm writing for teen magazine adapted for seniors)

Edited March 27, 2015 by merrmeade
LS emoticons suck