3 months later and where I am at.

[banaba]

Banaba, you should ask the Mods to move your post to a new thread. You'll get responses specific to your post and situation.

 

You also might explain why you don't think a married man sleeping with escorts is committing adultery. I'm guessing there will be some who will disagree....

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you Mr. Lucky for your suggestion for a thread for my situation. I'll think about it. In this thread I just want to say I'm stunned by how Noirek expresses herself. It's exactly my story and behavior. I have read every single piece of advice here and appreciate everyone's effort to help her. I hope the therapy will work this time and she may stand up for her marriage and be her own therapist.

 

And yes some will disagree fersure regarding escort being anti-adultery. I personally choose escorts to avoid EA, meaning NSA. I can't afford an affair because I'm afraid of tearing apart my marriage and my children's future. However, the dark side of me, like Noirek said, is still there and lying in wait for an affair.

[Noirek]

Contact with MM has dwindled to next to nothing. I replied to his contact with short and friendly emails. A few days after each one. Now I have a rather emotional one sitting in my inbox and I have no desire to reply to it. Haven't got to the place of making this official yet but emotionally I am in a far different place. I go days without thinking about him or even my affair. Something I couldn't do before even when my thoughts were only self loathing and disgust. Am I never going to cheat again? I don't know. I don't think I will be a safe bet on that. H is willing to take his chances though and so the biggest battle I fight is not letting my thoughts go to a place of self hatred. I work on not dwelling on it and instead focus my energy on my husband and my children and my job. I have a number for a counselor but I am waiting for my schedule to lighten up at the end of this month. I have doctor appointments to make, dentist appointments, and my children are in special ed so this is not an excuse. This week I work 72 hours and have managed to have a date night. Therapy just cannot fit in until next month when I will be working less.

[Mazerati]

Contact with MM has dwindled to next to nothing. I replied to his contact with short and friendly emails. A few days after each one. Now I have a rather emotional one sitting in my inbox and I have no desire to reply to it. Haven't got to the place of making this official yet but emotionally I am in a far different place. I go days without thinking about him or even my affair. Something I couldn't do before even when my thoughts were only self loathing and disgust. Am I never going to cheat again? I don't know. I don't think I will be a safe bet on that. H is willing to take his chances though and so the biggest battle I fight is not letting my thoughts go to a place of self hatred. I work on not dwelling on it and instead focus my energy on my husband and my children and my job. I have a number for a counselor but I am waiting for my schedule to lighten up at the end of this month. I have doctor appointments to make, dentist appointments, and my children are in special ed so this is not an excuse. This week I work 72 hours and have managed to have a date night. Therapy just cannot fit in until next month when I will be working less.

 

Hi Noirek, If you don't want to read it, delete it. Simple logic. Every day is a struggle, but everyday you don't give in is a success, and you are succeeding. I'll take that bet by the way. You have courage. Having special ones to care for is a challenge and can drain the best of us. Not an excuse, but you spend so much time caring for others, and not yourself, you become vulnerable, and bad unwanted choices are made...

I have found your posts thought provoking, and honest. That speaks volumes in my opinion. Try not to beat yourself up for your indiscretion that is difficult. You deserve happiness, at least I think so. The gift of reconciliation is a gift not to be wasted.

Never give up, never surrender. Believe as I believe in you.

Maz

[merrmeade]

1. Haven't got to the place of making this official yet but emotionally I am in a far different place: ...[before] my thoughts were only self loathing and disgust...and so the biggest battle I fight is not letting my thoughts go to a place of self hatred.
   
   a. I
   work
   on not dwelling on it and instead
   focus
   my energy on my husband and my children and my job.
   
   
   b. Contact with
   MM
   has dwindled to next to nothing.
   
   
   —I go days without thinking about him or even my affair. Something I couldn't do before...
   
   
   —I replied to his contact with short and friendly emails. A few days after each one. [Now I have a rather emotional one sitting in my inbox and I have no desire to reply to it.]

   
   

2. I have a number for a counselor but I am waiting for my schedule to lighten up at the end of this month. I have doctor appointments to make, dentist appointments, and my children are in special ed so this is not an excuse. This week I work 72 hours and have managed to have a date night.:cool:Therapy just cannot fit in until next month when I will be working less.

Dear Noirek,

I put your post in bullets and put the related items in a cause-effect outline. Then, I conjured up a thousand-hand virtual applause to send you. Did you hear it?

 

My dear, you use few words but say much. You structured a gradual change that consists of deliberate behaviors. Refocus mentally and emotionally on the people in your life. Rather than cold-turkey NC, you let AP contact you, waited, then sent "short... friendly" replies each time. In your life,

 

So how is the energy refocus work going? You have chosen not to work on not thinking negatively (which is, of course, negative). 'Good' is the fact that you don't feel the self-loathing, etc. But we want much more in life than that, of course. Therapy will help you with this. With the phenomenal resourcefulness and innovation you've displayed, I would challenge you to go one step more. Watch yourself and this 'work' you've described. Focus on moments of enjoyment. Stretch and deepen them. Linger on them later; even write about them. What made them pleasurable? What did you like about yourself in them? As you practice these excursions into real-life relationships and responsibilities, give yourself credit and love the You that emerges in response.

 

Then, about that contact with AP: I think maybe you came back to LS because of the "rather emotional" email, waiting in your Inbox, to which you "have no desire to reply." I think you are afraid of losing your hard-earned progress and don't blame you. So obviously you've read it. I would again challenge you to come up with a solution that fits the incremental ways you've changed. Other contacts from him you handled with the little superficial, non-committal (but non-meaningful) replies.

 

But this one is different. I think you know what it calls for and I also think you are ready. Can't you just say simply and clearly - which you do so well - something like you are in a good place, you have worked for it and you want to keep it - but he is not part of that now. So for now (if you decide you're still not up for NC) - can he please respect your choices. Or however you, Noirek, would do that.

 

Keep the call to the therapist at the top of your list for next month.

[Noirek]

Thank you mermeade.

 

I feel really overwhelmed right now and I'm just biding my time until the end of this month when I can maybe get things in order. My H and I are doing really well. I took a day off last week to get cozy with him. And it was a wonderful weekend. Now this weekend we are just both too tired and that is okay. Because it is only one week.

 

MM upped his game and contacted me directly. And I failed at telling him it was over when I had the chance. I avoided his leading questions and flattery and the conversation was short. I think he knows I am distancing myself. I just wish I could say the words I need to say to him. I really don't think about him much. I canceled being somewhere he would be and it wasn't hard to do... Because I didn't want to see him. I think I have almost reached the indifference people talk about. Not the hatred that was just a mask for strong emotions. Just "couldn't care less".

[Mazerati]

Thank you mermeade.

 

I feel really overwhelmed right now and I'm just biding my time until the end of this month when I can maybe get things in order. My H and I are doing really well. I took a day off last week to get cozy with him. And it was a wonderful weekend. Now this weekend we are just both too tired and that is okay. Because it is only one week.

 

MM upped his game and contacted me directly. And I failed at telling him it was over when I had the chance. I avoided his leading questions and flattery and the conversation was short. I think he knows I am distancing myself. I just wish I could say the words I need to say to him. I really don't think about him much. I canceled being somewhere he would be and it wasn't hard to do... Because I didn't want to see him. I think I have almost reached the indifference people talk about. Not the hatred that was just a mask for strong emotions. Just "couldn't care less".

 

It isn't easy. I liked this post for several reasons, you are working on your marriage. You spoke positive about your marriage, and you cozied up with husband.

MM upped his game, made direct contact, and you made several positive choices. Avoided his leading questions, and ignored the xMM flattery was excellent to hear. Those words to end it will come Noirek, they will. You cancelled knowing xMM would be there and it wasn't difficult. AND now you speak of apathy towards the xMM.

But what really steps out at the pinnacle of this impressive list is what you didn't say.

You did not once speak negative about yourself. Not once. Yes, upset at not telling xMM it is over, but you didn't crucify yourself.

 

That to me is the most important thing and you didn't even say it.

I commend you.

Good job all the way around!!!!!!!!

Edited May 18, 2015 by Mazerati

[turnera]

Have you told your H the truth?

[merrmeade]

Thank you mermeade.

 

I feel really overwhelmed right now and I'm just biding my time until the end of this month when I can maybe get things in order. My H and I are doing really well. I took a day off last week to get cozy with him. And it was a wonderful weekend. Now this weekend we are just both too tired and that is okay. Because it is only one week.

 

MM upped his game and contacted me directly. And I failed at telling him it was over when I had the chance. I avoided his leading questions and flattery and the conversation was short. I think he knows I am distancing myself. I just wish I could say the words I need to say to him. I really don't think about him much. I canceled being somewhere he would be and it wasn't hard to do... Because I didn't want to see him. I think I have almost reached the indifference people talk about. Not the hatred that was just a mask for strong emotions. Just "couldn't care less".

This was very nice to read, Noirek. One week at a time is working and may become one month at a time before you know it. You're practically purring when you talk about being with your H. You sound happy and in love. I would credit that development with the rest of the progress and say keep your focus there.

 

You also sound surprised and a little proud of your almost indifference toward MM, but doesn't it make perfect sense? When you're full and content, illicit thrills will fall flat. Keep it up. I feel sure you'll be free soon.

 

I will not be as hopeful if you don't put IC back on the list. You didn't mention it this time. It will make all of this easier. Right now you are succeeding - slowly. IC will give you the insight you need about who you are and why your life has taken these turns. It will help you strengthen circumstances that bring about good choices and help you become the person you want to be.

[Noirek]

This was very nice to read, Noirek. One week at a time is working and may become one month at a time before you know it. You're practically purring when you talk about being with your H. You sound happy and in love. I would credit that development with the rest of the progress and say keep your focus there.

 

You also sound surprised and a little proud of your almost indifference toward MM, but doesn't it make perfect sense? When you're full and content, illicit thrills will fall flat. Keep it up. I feel sure you'll be free soon.

 

I will not be as hopeful if you don't put IC back on the list. You didn't mention it this time. It will make all of this easier. Right now you are succeeding - slowly. IC will give you the insight you need about who you are and why your life has taken these turns. It will help you strengthen circumstances that bring about good choices and help you become the person you want to be.

 

Getting things sorted includes IC. I haven't changed my mind on that but I do not know my new schedule yet and My kid's appointments take up a lot of weekday time right now. I simply cannot continue working as much as I do right now and I am looking forward to being him more again. But I will not lie to myself. I am afraid more free time will not be a good thing which is why IC is near the top of my list after my children's needs.

[Noirek]

Have you told your H the truth?

 

Yes and I wish I could add it to my OP so that people who only read that wouldn't have to ask.

[Bootsie]

Yes and I wish I could add it to my OP so that people who only read that wouldn't have to ask.

 

 

Do you mean you have told your H about the ongoing contact from the MM and your, albeit brief, responses? It's surprising your H does not mind these!

[Clay]

Your story sounds really bad, Its hard to believe that you told your husband about your ongoing contact with the OM and how you cant trust yourself not to cheat again and he just choice to stay. It sounds more like you have said as little as possible to have both things in your life. It also sounds like you are a very weak person. I could almost see this situation turned around and you just put up with it because you really don't have respect for yourself or good self esteem.

 

Are you still seeing a councelor ? If so are you working on the core issues ?

 

 

Clay

[turnera]

Yes and I wish I could add it to my OP so that people who only read that wouldn't have to ask.

I read your thread and I didn't see where you and your H had any real discussion about it.

[sammy7111]

You know some guess like being cuckold by there wifes. I can't for the life of me see why a man would stay with a wife that won't stop cheating.

[Noirek]

Your story sounds really bad, Its hard to believe that you told your husband about your ongoing contact with the OM and how you cant trust yourself not to cheat again and he just choice to stay. It sounds more like you have said as little as possible to have both things in your life. It also sounds like you are a very weak person. I could almost see this situation turned around and you just put up with it because you really don't have respect for yourself or good self esteem.

 

Are you still seeing a councelor ? If so are you working on the core issues ?

 

 

Clay

 

My husband and I had a very in depth conversation during my brief break. I told him everything I said here. We are still together with no plans for that to change. I will be seeking IC next month when my hours are cut back.

[DKT3]

Your story sounds really bad, Its hard to believe that you told your husband about your ongoing contact with the OM and how you cant trust yourself not to cheat again and he just choice to stay. It sounds more like you have said as little as possible to have both things in your life. It also sounds like you are a very weak person. I could almost see this situation turned around and you just put up with it because you really don't have respect for yourself or good self esteem.

 

Are you still seeing a councelor ? If so are you working on the core issues ?

 

 

Clay

 

Not everyone has it in them to stand up to an abusive partner and say enough I'm better then this. OP's husband is clearly one of those people. OR he doesn't gave a sh*t because he is getting his on the side also.

 

The whole time you've been here Noirek you've done nothing but make one excuse after another, then you hide behind this self-deprecating act. This may have worked in your life and on many of the posters here, but not on me.

 

Like the post before, I too don't believe you've been as open and honest with your husband as you claim here.

[66Charger]

Come on Noirek, pull thru. Become a beautiful flower again

[dental]

Hello Noirek,

 

You write some interesting things. Evil is one of your favorite words to describe yourself. I wouldn't use that word, I would use word junkie. A junkie is someone who can't stop something. Period. And you can't stop your connection to OM. A helpless powerless feeling that you really don't like. From the tone of your posts it sounds like you are in your head most of the time, not particularly connected to your heart, the source of empathy for yourself, your spouse and your offspring. I wish for you that you would be able again to connect to your heart, to find your spirituality where you can look in the mirror and be happy and proud of yourself again, instead of this self-loathing business that I've been reading throughout your posts.

[Noirek]

Not everyone has it in them to stand up to an abusive partner and say enough I'm better then this. OP's husband is clearly one of those people. OR he doesn't gave a sh*t because he is getting his on the side also.

 

The whole time you've been here Noirek you've done nothing but make one excuse after another, then you hide behind this self-deprecating act. This may have worked in your life and on many of the posters here, but not on me.

 

Like the post before, I too don't believe you've been as open and honest with your husband as you claim here.

 

And what exactly are my excuses? That I am a weak person who failed myself and my husband again? Excuses mean that the action is okay and I have never ever said my actions were okay. You are free to believe what ever you want to. I feel from your posts and attitude that you suffer from knowing it all. It is a heavy burden to carry for sure and frustrating when others don't bend to your supreme intellect. However, when you stick to the actual facts, not throwing my ppd from years past in my face or twisting my words or making up things to suit your own mindset, i have not disagreed with you.

 

I should send a N/C letter to MM. I should avoid seeing him at all cost (much as I did when I cancelled the oppurtunity last year. I should be a better person. And even though you see no change (read me being divorced by my H or vice versa because that is the only change you want. You recently made a post where it is very clear you regret your own R and do not believe anyone should) I am living change daily. Last winter (even your need to exaggerate how long I've been here is telling) when I first came here I couldn't bear the thought of losing MM again. Today, so many months out, I look forward to the day when I know I will never resume contact again. I don't know if that day will ever come. But I do know losing contact with him would be no big emotional loss or cause me pain. It is only the lack of faith in myself that stops me from ending things for good. Things are going well, and I'm hoping despite my doubts, that IC will help me.

[Noirek]

Come on Noirek, pull thru. Become a beautiful flower again

 

Thank you for the pretty words but I was never a beautiful flower. At least on the inside. I'd rather be good with no ability to cheat within me than who I am. And I am not sure that is something that can be changed. Ive proven who I am. The best I can hope for his stuffing the demons inside and making healthy choices daily.

[SoulStorm]

And what exactly are my excuses? That I am a weak person who failed myself and my husband again? Excuses mean that the action is okay and I have never ever said my actions were okay. You are free to believe what ever you want to. I feel from your posts and attitude that you suffer from knowing it all. It is a heavy burden to carry for sure and frustrating when others don't bend to your supreme intellect. However, when you stick to the actual facts, not throwing my ppd from years past in my face or twisting my words or making up things to suit your own mindset, i have not disagreed with you.

 

I should send a N/C letter to MM. I should avoid seeing him at all cost (much as I did when I cancelled the oppurtunity last year. I should be a better person. And even though you see no change (read me being divorced by my H or vice versa because that is the only change you want. You recently made a post where it is very clear you regret your own R and do not believe anyone should) I am living change daily. Last winter (even your need to exaggerate how long I've been here is telling) when I first came here I couldn't bear the thought of losing MM again. Today, so many months out, I look forward to the day when I know I will never resume contact again. I don't know if that day will ever come. But I do know losing contact with him would be no big emotional loss or cause me pain. It is only the lack of faith in myself that stops me from ending things for good. Things are going well, and I'm hoping despite my doubts, that IC will help me.

 

If you have the will and fortitude to defend yourself against posts likes this to you, why can't you have the same will to cut things off with a MM that is much more detrimental to you than a post?

You can make cutting,articulate and direct posts defending your stance, yet you can't find the strength to stop disrespecting your husband completely by going full NC to a married man?

 

Do you really believe that not trusting yourself is an excuse to leave doors open? I believe you can do anything you please Noirek. Unless you have been diagnosed with some sort of disassociate disorder like having multiple personalities, I fail to see why you could not stop contacting unless you just didn't want to. Therein is the solution, you contact him because you want to. There are no strings coming from the heavens controlling your arms, legs or will....you control them. So you mentally self-mutilate yourself;

 

"I'm evil" "I'm no beautiful flower"

 

Which sounds no different than when a molester says "If you let me out, I'll do it again because I'm evil" As if he has no control.

 

I do commend you for some similitude of NC.

I just find it puzzling that someone who can show such strength in defense of herself, lacks that same strength in defending her marriage

[66Charger]

I strongly disagree that you were never a beautiful flower and I guarantee there is another man who thinks so and that is your husband. We all have dark sides and demons but like alcholoics, recognizing is the first start to recovery. Your despair at your actions shows character. You only have to read LS to see those who have none. And as much as you battle with DKT, he obviously cares about you as we all do. You do have family here. You can not say that some of the harsh replies did not help push you a little into confessing. You dont know me personally, but i have followed you for months, hated your earlier post and cheered when you confessed.

Never beleive that you are not worthy. So what you have a battle that you may have to fight for the rest of your life. Believe you have turned a corner. Perhaps it is time for us to turn a corner on you, believe in you even if you stumble and offer you a yellow daisy.

 

Ps. I am not a current BS. 10 years ago i wish I had handled my daughters mothers EA differently, but I really came here to try to understand my current SO dark side. No EA or PAs but past behaviour that is dark and haunts her to this day. She feels like you, but she is still a beautiful flower. Like her, you really need to make peace with yourself and get a new mirror

Edited May 19, 2015 by 66Charger

[Clay]

Not everyone has it in them to stand up to an abusive partner and say enough I'm better then this. OP's husband is clearly one of those people. OR he doesn't gave a sh*t because he is getting his on the side also.

 

The whole time you've been here Noirek you've done nothing but make one excuse after another, then you hide behind this self-deprecating act. This may have worked in your life and on many of the posters here, but not on me.

 

Like the post before, I too don't believe you've been as open and honest with your husband as you claim here.

 

You are so right DKT3. Its so sad to see. I know I was this person for a while with my xW. She would promise it would never happen again but she lied. It took a while for me to finally see the light and see her for who she really was. I hope OP's husband at some point in time wakes up and realizes she has no real intentions on making herself a better wife.

 

Getting counseling is a good start but not cutting off all Contact with the OM and realizing her own weakness and not starting to implement good boundaries to prevent further bad decisions is just inexcusable. Her husband at some point in time will wake up and when he does she wont be able to come back from this then. Her chances to save her marriage if that is what she really wanted will be gone for every.

 

Change has to start with You OP. If you really want to save your marriage your going to have to work harder or your going to loose what you really want.

 

Clay

[turnera]

I should send a N/C letter to MM. I should avoid seeing him at all cost (much as I did when I cancelled the oppurtunity last year. I should be a better person.

 

I am living change daily.

So why not make that change the one most IMPORTANT change? As long as you maintain contact, every 'change' you make is polluted.

[Noirek]

I strongly disagree that you were never a beautiful flower and I guarantee there is another man who thinks so and that is your husband. We all have dark sides and demons but like alcholoics, recognizing is the first start to recovery. Your despair at your actions shows character. You only have to read LS to see those who have none. And as much as you battle with DKT, he obviously cares about you as we all do. You do have family here. You can not say that some of the harsh replies did not help push you a little into confessing. You dont know me personally, but i have followed you for months, hated your earlier post and cheered when you confessed.

Never beleive that you are not worthy. So what you have a battle that you may have to fight for the rest of your life. Believe you have turned a corner. Perhaps it is time for us to turn a corner on you, believe in you even if you stumble and offer you a yellow daisy.

 

Ps. I am not a current BS. 10 years ago i wish I had handled my daughters mothers EA differently, but I really came here to try to understand my current SO dark side. No EA or PAs but past behaviour that is dark and haunts her to this day. She feels like you, but she is still a beautiful flower. Like her, you really need to make peace with yourself and get a new mirror

 

I think you may be confusing my story with another's. When I came here I had already be caught in renewed contact. My original affair I confessed, no harsh posts necessary. The three things I regret are this, in order of importance: "having an affair", "restarting an affair", and one other I do not care to mention.

 

I'm not much of an out right liar. It's not much of a claim to fame but it is at least something I have. My husband knows if he asks a question he will get what I honestly believe as an answer. Twisted? For sure. But that just takes us right back to the beginning.