Do men have a fear of being settled for by a woman?

[RedRobin]

Women initiate 70% of divorces. This is proven statistical fact plus many men are in sexless marriages. There are plenty of women who are not like this but you see it enough to know that guys aren't just pulling this stuff out of their butts. We look at the divorce rate and how many women seem not to love or even like their husbands and marriage terrifies us. I am sure nobody man or woman wants to be with somebody who has contempt for them. I know guys who refuse to marry or even live with a woman because of this.

 

That's only because more men than women are happy trying to get a woman to keep a home for him, raise his children.. and (these days) keep a job too... while he entertains himself by drinking, gambling, womanizing, or being a workaholic. Women? Not so much.

 

 

If they are in sexless marriages, then the guy could initiate the divorce, correct?

 

 

Lots of women get lazy physically. It's more likely that men will get lazy emotionally AND physically... and women are more likely to divorce him over it because women have more emotional resources to fall back on.

 

 

So, no, I don't see how men are worried about being settled for. On the other hand... I think lots do have fantasies about finding some super hot chicklet who also loves him for him (regardless of what he brings to the table)... and yea, if that is their expectation, then maybe he does have something to worry about.

 

 

Don't pitch out of your league, and you have a lot less to worry about, is my observation.

[autumnnight]

It doesn't help but you hear about it so often that I understand why a man might have fears. Most men don't want to be one of those guys who wakes up one day and all of a sudden his wife wants him out of her life and he finds out he wasted years. It doesn't sound like a good experience for anybody. We also don't want to be married to a woman who does stay but can barely hide her contempt which I have seen a lot.

 

You are assuming that the man has given her no REASON to have to hide contempt. You are probably a great hubby (and I do mean that), but sometimes the reason a woman can't stand her husband is because he's an ass.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Well it definitely happens. What happens in a situation where a woman starts to worry as her biological clock ticks & she's still single but wants kids? Will she meet mr. Right in time?

 

Some women do meet Mr Right, some go the IVF/donor route, some give up and yep, some do settle for some lame guy.

 

 

Not true. As I said, why don't you tell that to the guys that get screwed over by women that say the guy their with isn't cutting it for them the same as their OM.

 

Alright well, you share this fear with a few other guys. Great! So now that you've shown people that other guys have these fears, WHAT NEXT!? What are you now going to do about it now? Stomp your feet and talk about how you don't like it some more?

 

I'll be honest with you, at this point it's pretty clear the true purpose of this thread - and the majority of your many others - is reenforce whatever notions you already had. It feels a lot like you're just looking for increasingly creative reasons and rationalities as to why you should avoid women or whatever.

 

You reference "friends" of yours quite a lot and it's fairly telling. One would be lead to believe that's because you've never actually had these supposed experiences for yourself. Funny that you spend so much time worrying and complaining about wondering about what might happen based on nothing but wild conjecture.

 

You basically want a way to guarantee that a woman isn't settling or won't ever leave you before you even ask her out. Why you feel this way or think it's logical I'll never know, but I have some news for you, it's not going to happen. Ever. So..yeah, you can either sit at home playing out imaginary scenarios in your head and nosily pondering the ins and outs of relationships in the lives of others or you can try maybe try getting one of your own.

[Woggle]

You are assuming that the man has given her no REASON to have to hide contempt. You are probably a great hubby (and I do mean that), but sometimes the reason a woman can't stand her husband is because he's an ass.

 

I am lucky enough to have found a woman worth marrying and that is why I am a good husband. If I never met her I would probably be single and happy. Honestly the only reason I legally married was because it meant a lot to her. I would have been perfectly happy shacking up.

[NJ123]

Some women do meet Mr Right, some go the IVF/donor route, some give up and yep, some do settle for some lame guy.

 

 

 

 

Alright well, you share this fear with a few other guys. Great! So now that you've shown people that other guys have these fears, WHAT NEXT!? What are you now going to do about it now? Stomp your feet and talk about how you don't like it some more?

 

I'll be honest with you, at this point it's pretty clear the true purpose of this thread - and the majority of your many others - is reenforce whatever notions you already had. It feels a lot like you're just looking for increasingly creative reasons and rationalities as to why you should avoid women or whatever.

 

You reference "friends" of yours quite a lot and it's fairly telling. One would be lead to believe that's because you've never actually had these supposed experiences for yourself. Funny that you spend so much time worrying and complaining about wondering about what might happen based on nothing but wild conjecture.

 

You basically want a way to guarantee that a woman isn't settling or won't ever leave you before you even ask her out. Why you feel this way or think it's logical I'll never know, but I have some news for you, it's not going to happen. Ever. So..yeah, you can either sit at home playing out imaginary scenarios in your head and nosily pondering the ins and outs of relationships in the lives of others or you can try maybe try getting one of your own.

 

I don't know what you're getting so worked up about. I just don't want these things to happen to me so yeah of course I think about it at times especially when I mostly only hear about negatives. It would destroy me if I wasted years on someone that in the end never even gave a crap about me.

[autumnnight]

I don't know what you're getting so worked up about. I just don't want these things to happen to me so yeah of course I think about it at times especially when I mostly only hear about negatives. It would destroy me if I wasted years on someone that in the end never even gave a crap about me.

 

Have you considered trying to spend time around guys who are more positive, confident, and upbeat? When you surround yourself with horror stories, it can skew your perception of the world at large.

[toolforgrowth]

Lots of women get lazy physically. It's more likely that men will get lazy emotionally AND physically

 

This wasn't my experience, as my xWW was definitely lazy emotionally as well as physically. Although I don't completely reject the argument, and believe that there certainly are cases that bear this out.

[StanMusial]

This is true too. It does go both ways, but I never hear of women talking about being settled for like guys do.

 

Women have suitors, and they choose one. Maybe they "settle" in their minds for what they can get from that pool of suitors, maybe they don't. Maybe they choose not to choose.

 

Men are on the other side of that equation.

[Woggle]

Have you considered trying to spend time around guys who are more positive, confident, and upbeat? When you surround yourself with horror stories, it can skew your perception of the world at large.

 

How can I do that when I see a whole lot of relationship misery around me. I have supported heartbroken men more times than I can count so no men are not wrong for trying to avoid this. If you guys saw a man you care about go through this you would feel the same way.

[autumnnight]

How can I do that when I see a whole lot of relationship misery around me. I have supported heartbroken men more times than I can count so no men are not wrong for trying to avoid this. If you guys saw a man you care about go through this you would feel the same way.

 

Actually, that was directed at another poster whose practice of focusing on the negative to the exclusion of everything else does not seem to be working. I know it can be draining to see someone you care about being hurt (women go through this too). Heck, right now I AM the one hurting. But I just cannot let myself become wholly negative. That just amplifies the misery.

[Woggle]

Actually, that was directed at another poster whose practice of focusing on the negative to the exclusion of everything else does not seem to be working. I know it can be draining to see someone you care about being hurt (women go through this too). Heck, right now I AM the one hurting. But I just cannot let myself become wholly negative. That just amplifies the misery.

 

It's not about being negative but I wish for one second some people here can put themselves in a man's shoes and understand why the state of modern relationships would scare him from committing.

[Camaro Guy]

I do not fear being settled on because I refuse to let that happen. I am the author of what happens to me. If you have that fear, you may want to ask yourself why that is and how you can correct it.

[NJ123]

I do not fear being settled on because I refuse to let that happen. I am the author of what happens to me. If you have that fear, you may want to ask yourself why that is and how you can correct it.

 

I'm not going to let it knowingly happen to me. Why do some guys not see the red flags though & why does it happen so much for?

[BlueIris]

It's not about being negative but I wish for one second some people here can put themselves in a man's shoes and understand why the state of modern relationships would scare him from committing.

 

Men are not MORE screwed in modern relationships than women are. Men do not risk more or suffer more than women do. If relationships scare someone, that’s his or her individual issue, not gender related. “We suffer more, lose more, have more at risk” is condescending.

[SJ1975]

Thought has never ever crossed my mind

[Robert Z]

That's only because more men than women are happy trying to get a woman to keep a home for him, raise his children.. and (these days) keep a job too... while he entertains himself by drinking, gambling, womanizing, or being a workaholic. Women? Not so much.

 

If they are in sexless marriages, then the guy could initiate the divorce, correct?

 

Lots of women get lazy physically. It's more likely that men will get lazy emotionally AND physically... and women are more likely to divorce him over it because women have more emotional resources to fall back on.

 

So, no, I don't see how men are worried about being settled for. On the other hand... I think lots do have fantasies about finding some super hot chicklet who also loves him for him (regardless of what he brings to the table)... and yea, if that is their expectation, then maybe he does have something to worry about.

 

 

Don't pitch out of your league, and you have a lot less to worry about, is my observation.

 

 

Yeah, settle and be miserable!

[Robert Z]

I think the real lesson is that traditional marriage doesn't work more often than not. So when you have less than a 50% chance of success - less than the flip of a coin - is it logical to have great reservations? Yeah, if you have a brain.

 

 

We have been sold a bill of goods. No matter how many times we are told otherwise by churches, movies, books, talking heads, radio shows, and psychobabblists, marriage is generally not the path to a happy life. And it's about time that society came to terms with this fact. It works for perhaps 30% of the population.

 

 

It isn't about men and women. It is about a failed institution. And we are the victims of this hoax.

[DukeNukem47]

That's only because more men than women are happy trying to get a woman to keep a home for him, raise his children.. and (these days) keep a job too... while he entertains himself by drinking, gambling, womanizing, or being a workaholic. Women? Not so much.

 

Not sure where you meet these men, but I know more women than men that are workaholics with drinking problems.

 

Personally, I don't drink, gamble, or sleep around. And I do spend a lot of time at work, but I'm certainly not a workaholic.

 

So, no, I don't see how men are worried about being settled for. On the other hand... I think lots do have fantasies about finding some super hot chicklet who also loves him for him (regardless of what he brings to the table)... and yea, if that is their expectation, then maybe he does have something to worry about.

 

 

Don't pitch out of your league, and you have a lot less to worry about, is my observation.

 

If the woman is super chill with an awesome personality and doesn't make it too hard for me to get her, then great! If she wants me to work really hard for it, then she better be hot/out of my league.

 

If a woman is neither, then I won't date her. Simple.

[DukeNukem47]

I think the real lesson is that traditional marriage doesn't work more often than not. So when you have less than a 50% chance of success - less than the flip of a coin - is it logical to have great reservations? Yeah, if you have a brain.

 

 

We have been sold a bill of goods. No matter how many times we are told otherwise by churches, movies, books, talking heads, radio shows, and psychobabblists, marriage is generally not the path to a happy life. And it's about time that society came to terms with this fact. It works for perhaps 30% of the population.

 

 

It isn't about men and women. It is about a failed institution. And we are the victims of this hoax.

 

There's a lot of things that we are sold these days that is complete BS. I actually don't think marriage is one of them. I think that marriage is a great thing and very necessary for having a well-structured, successful society.

 

However, marriage itself has been ruined based on other things sold to us. Even though women seem to have bought the BS more than men, women have suffered from it just as much as men have (though in different ways).

[carhill]

Another aspect of potential fear is expectation, that being one having perhaps unreasonable expectations regarding the future with any particular partner. If one looks at marriage, for example, as a lifetime commitment, where another sees it as a good current investment with an eye on growing other investments in the future and using the current one to better their position, there could appear to be a divergence of life goals and, since we can't read minds, such dissimilarities aren't necessarily obvious nor disclosed. If one fears expectations not being met, the fearful mind says 'no'. In some ways, especially in the areas of romance and intimacy of the marital sort, men are a lot like Norm on the show 'Cheers' in that we like the stability and comfort of our routines and ordering the 'usual' and people knowing our name. Our ability to discern the elemental investment of a partner varies and some of us do fear we'll show up one day and the door will be closed, a 'for sale' sign will be in the window and our 'usual' will have departed along with all the patrons and friends. Ha, nice description of a divorce.

[Shepp]

You know.. I've never even considered it! - Does that make me sound incredibly arrogant?

 

I just tend not to overthink things like that!

Can't speak for all men.

[DukeNukem47]

Another aspect of potential fear is expectation, that being one having perhaps unreasonable expectations regarding the future with any particular partner. If one looks at marriage, for example, as a lifetime commitment, where another sees it as a good current investment with an eye on growing other investments in the future and using the current one to better their position, there could appear to be a divergence of life goals and, since we can't read minds, such dissimilarities aren't necessarily obvious nor disclosed. If one fears expectations not being met, the fearful mind says 'no'. In some ways, especially in the areas of romance and intimacy of the marital sort, men are a lot like Norm on the show 'Cheers' in that we like the stability and comfort of our routines and ordering the 'usual' and people knowing our name. Our ability to discern the elemental investment of a partner varies and some of us do fear we'll show up one day and the door will be closed, a 'for sale' sign will be in the window and our 'usual' will have departed along with all the patrons and friends. Ha, nice description of a divorce.

 

This is so true.

 

For example, I generally like to go to the same places and eat the same foods. I know that I will like these foods and I don't have to spend time thinking about where I could go to eat.

 

My female friends tend to poke fun at me over this, the fact that I like routine and don't really care for trying new things. They call me "boring".

 

It seems that this is one of the major differences between men and women. Men like a set schedule and routine, while women get bored easily. I've noticed this in dating as well. So, to me, this is concerning because a woman could just randomly get bored and then drop you, no matter how long you've been together.

 

So, in general, when I'm dating a woman and she shows signs of being bored, I stop pursuing and usually just end it. No reason to invest more time into it if she'll just get bored and ditch (or wants to change me into a guy that's more spontaneous and doesn't like routine).

[autumnnight]

This is so true.

 

For example, I generally like to go to the same places and eat the same foods. I know that I will like these foods and I don't have to spend time thinking about where I could go to eat.

 

My female friends tend to poke fun at me over this, the fact that I like routine and don't really care for trying new things. They call me "boring".

 

It seems that this is one of the major differences between men and women. Men like a set schedule and routine, while women get bored easily. I've noticed this in dating as well. So, to me, this is concerning because a woman could just randomly get bored and then drop you, no matter how long you've been together.

 

So, in general, when I'm dating a woman and she shows signs of being bored, I stop pursuing and usually just end it. No reason to invest more time into it if she'll just get bored and ditch (or wants to change me into a guy that's more spontaneous and doesn't like routine).

 

This post just helped me figure it out. There was a time when commitment meant something. When the default response was not to cut bait when it gets inconvenient or takes effort. Look at the assumption that women have no attention span or investment and the plan to cut it off as soon as there might be a challenge. No investment, no unselfishness. Just me me what's in it for me.

 

We've raised a generation of perpetually spoiled children.

[elaine567]

You know.. I've never even considered it! - Does that make me sound incredibly arrogant?

 

NO it makes you sane.

[PinkInTheLimo]

In some ways, especially in the areas of romance and intimacy of the marital sort, men are a lot like Norm on the show 'Cheers' in that we like the stability and comfort of our routines and ordering the 'usual' and people knowing our name. Our ability to discern the elemental investment of a partner varies and some of us do fear we'll show up one day and the door will be closed, a 'for sale' sign will be in the window and our 'usual' will have departed along with all the patrons and friends. Ha, nice description of a divorce.

 

Well in this approach a woman is more like a piece of furniture for a man and guess what... we want to be a little bit more than that...

Stability and comfort are fine but there has to be more to make a relationship work: some excitement, some spice, feeling alive together rather than on the road to the coffin in one boring straight line.