Fiance left gave back ring

[Flabreakup]

Thanks everyone

I kinda feel the same as you just hard to say no when my sister is in the position she is. I'm hoping she actually doesn't come and they all talk about coming down here for the last few years and only my brother visited once so I'm not think she will. And if she does I will draw the line that the first sign of any problems and she's gone. I'll give her gas money and send her on her way. It's a big if at this point though.

 

As for the ex I do need more boundaries because as you all said its ting to bite me hard sooner or later. There are just these moments she seems so open to things but I've been keeping my mouth shut as much as possible and just doing baby things.

 

Picked up the baby this mornI got and laying here in bed trying to get her back to sleep. The ex actually said when I picked her up that she has been asking for me since I left yesterday and she doesn't like that she asks for me so much in so many words. I was nice and said she does the same when I have her and she really does but I think the ex is still not feeling well and has a 12 hour shift for the next three days. I probably did more than I should have this weekend for her but it's just hard to be I different when I see her I'll like that. She did take care of me through some tough periods. Like back surgery when I could barely move for a few weeks. And I mean barely with crutches. Had a lower back disc repaired not long after she first moved to New Jersey so I almost feel obligated to do the same even though she choose this path we're on.

 

I don't talk to her mom at all but she did text me out of the blue the other day and say something like bless you son for taking care of the two of them and you will reap what you sow in time. Or something like that. I know her opinion doesn't matter to the ex at all but still nice to hear something positive from them.

 

Yes she has her parents. They got her a new truck last year and pay for anything and every thing she wants. Getting her a whole new living room set for her bday in a few weeks. That will be a rough few days for me I'm guessing. Probably not good to think so far ahead that I'll be having it rough. Have to try to keep the positive thoughts going, which I'm working on.

 

That separated guy is probably going to be me to some extent. I'm too nice right now I know but if or when there is someone else in the picture I know me and that will be the end of mr nice guy if not before. Maybe I just need that sign that there is no hope to finally move beyond her completely. I don't kd myself and get what you all say. I'm not near over her and won't be for a long time with seeing her so much but I do try little things to distance and feel a whole lot better than the first few weeks.

 

There are people in better situations that can just leave and people in worse that I do hope the best for, ziggy. I jist have to focus on business and the little one which is easy on days I have her but really hard when I wake up and don't have much to do. Easy to say find things to do but much harder to get motivation on those days to do them.

 

Today should be good so I hope everyone else's day is too!

[Toodaloo]

Brian - please don't be the same as him. Its heart breaking for his friends and family to watch. Imagine a great tree that you have grown up with, loved, climbed, built dens in and played in and read books under etc being felled. Its like that. Its horrible. Like him you have people who care about you and want you to have a good life, be happy and smile again. Keep going as you are and you have a much better chance. Do not do what he has been doing. Its destroying him and many of those around him.

 

Of course your daughter is going to ask for you. She loves you. Its not her fault that her parents have split up. Your ex needs to be a bit more grown up about that. There is nothing wrong with you being a great Dad, quite the opposite. So let her deal with that. Her guilt is NOT your problem. Nor should she be making it so.

 

Keep going and keep your chin up chook. It does get better. Make sure you keep looking after yourself. Why not treat yourself today. Do you have a fav choc bar, cake or a magazine that you like? Go get one and enjoy! Give yourself a treat. You deserve it.

[Hardtofocus]

Hey All,

 

Apologies if this sounds completely off topic but i just want to thank Toodaloo,Ziggy and Flabreakup.

 

Toodaloo, your advice on multiple posts has been nothing short of amazing. For me personally, you have changed my outlook on many many things for the better, and for that i am greatful.

 

Flabreakup and Ziggy,I've followed your story for quite a bit and i want to thank you for sharing your story here. It's people like you who make me realize how strong others can be. I can only understand the tip of the iceberg of emotions and feelings you must be experiencing but your strength to keep going and make a difference is incredible. Never give up on how absolutely amazing you're doing and if it's any conciliation at all, how much you are helping others on here without even realizing it.

[Apparition]

Hey, man.

 

I read most of your post, but not all of it.

I'd like to start off by saying it is possible to get an ex back. I find a lot of people on here dislike that idea, but everyone's relationship is different and things pan out differently for other people.

 

However, it's a very tricky road one must take if they want to wait on an ex, knowing there is a risk that they will not want you back. So first off, you'll have to prepare yourself for that. If you're fine with setting yourself up for that kind of rejection, then sure, wait on her.

 

Secondly, drinking will not help this situation at all. Not for you, and certainly not for her. If you want her back, you're going to have to focus on yourself for a bit and work on making yourself better. I don't know if you have a drinking problem, but I read that you tried to stop, and if that is truly something you want to change then if I was you, I'd take all the right steps I need to take in order to make that happen.

 

If your ex see's you're making effort and you're becoming a better version of yourself, perhaps she'll come around.

 

Good luck to you.

[Flabreakup]

Toodaloo

I'm certainly not trying to be like that friend of yours. I do still want them both back without a doubt the idea of not getting one and still having my daughter gets easier to think of by the day. It doesn't hurt that I keep bumping into ladies that want to talk or hangout. Just last night this very thing happened again for the third time in a little over seven weeks. Of course I'm jist not all there yet to do anything and I do bring myself around to let them know I'm going through some stuff and they all say they understand and give them a ring when I'm ready.

Of course I keep making dumb mistakes too. Last night the ex came to pick the baby up around eight and talked and talked. My friend that is staying with me was cooking dinner and while she was here the oven timer went off so he asked her if she wanted to eat and she said sure so another hour was spent here eating like a little family. Not the right move I'm sure. I know I'm making this super easy for her but it's also super hard to just say here's the baby have a good night. Of course the baby needed to eat dinner too so that's the excuse I'm going with today. I can say that I find it hard to be indifferent right now but once I know about another guy things in my mind are going to change drastically. I've told her this too so maybe she's just trying to get time in while she can. Last night she also talked about taking the baby to an Easter egg hunt and kid thing Saturday. I said we'll see. Keep in mind I do not call or text her ever unless it's about the baby and now she does all the time once I stopped talking relationship stuff. She also mentioned a concert she wanted to go to and I said I would ask another friend and she said I didn't mean like that. Like she meant with me. I know i shouldn't but those damn reconciliation thoughts always creep back in but again I don't want to be like your friend. I told her again we'll see

I am trying here. I know I could just be the just in case plan. So hard to think of someone you once had so much trust in using me. I really did think she was one of those rare special people and still do somewhat. Of course I've found out a lot of thing about her I don't like since the breakup so trying to get her off the pedestal. I thnk I need to look into that mr nice guy book because I really am like that, at least lately. In my drinking days it was me me me but now it seems it's everyone else.

My friend here did apologize for asking her but said it was just timing with the oven going off while she was here. I said no biggie. As I've said and as I've been told I may be setting myself up to hurt all over again at some point but while there is no one else in the picture that I know of it's very hard to not be nice and try a little without to much effort.

As far as treating myself. Funny you mention that. I stopped at Dunkin donuts on the way to picking up the baby as I usually get us both coffee but this morning I got six donuts. Then proceeded to eat them all in just a few hours. This after working out last night kinda seems funny but like you said every once in a while it's nice to treat yourself. Maybe next time with just one and not half a dozens though! I am really getting into the best shape in many many years physically. I think it's the combo of losing the fiancée so wasn't esting well, quoting drinking so losing thousands of calories a week and going to the gym. The ex and most people have really noticed this so that's kind of a confidence boost and I do feel great after. Terrific idea for anyone reading this.

 

Hardtofocus

Thank you. I really didn't realize anyone but those special people who comment here were even reading this. And yes toodaloo,ziggy and bc you have all been a tremendous help through this tough time and I wish there was something I could do for you in return. If I win the lotto your all I. For a big surprise. Wink. Have to start playing of course...

Apparation

Yes I do know of many people who have split up and got back together personally. My own aunt and uncle did for six months around my age and have been married 30+ years now. She didn't say a word to him the first few months. Trust me I want nothing more than my family back specially knowing how much my own problems, attitude and taking for granted went into this. Just this past summer we were full steam ahead with wedding plans. Of course I just said do what you want and let me know eh. To be there. That's the kind of guy I was. Then we moved In August and I started my business and somehow my drinking and attitude towards her got worse. I now know it wasn't all my fault but I'll still take the larger piece of the pie here. So yes I'd love to have her back

 

On the flip side most here are trying to look after us and our feelings. Not the dumpers. I have to keep reminding myself like those three wonderful people I mentioned that I'm not the one that left. I'm not the one that gave up. I really had no idea how upset she was being it wasn't communicated to me. Actually it was but being a guy it wasn't spelled out in red paint on the wall so I didn't pick up on it till it was too late. At this point I know I have to be a better me for myself first then my daughter. The ole airplane put your own mask on first then help out because if you pass out they've got no one. Comes to mind. So helping myself first and hoping for the best whether it's her or someone else.

 

Actually tomorrow it will be two whole months with no alcohol. Yeh me. Never thought I'd say that as the thought of quitin g never even crossed my mind. I drank at least four or five times a week until I ran out of beer/liquid or passed out which ever came first. If nothing else that's one good step for me In This journey of life. And one huge step for my daughter. I don't ever want her to see me drunk and stupid again. Have to stand up and be role model. I just thank god I figure it out while she's only two.

 

As this post shows lots of good things and bad things going on but every day is a new beginning so have to try to get more steps forward than backward.

 

Thanks for listening

[Toodaloo]

Actually tomorrow it will be two whole months with no alcohol.

 

THAT IS THE MOST WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!

 

WELL DONE!!!

 

I also think the doughnuts are a great idea!

 

I know you are not trying to be like him but it would be very easy for you to slip that way... Please stay strong and don't.

 

And yes I am sure all of us are going to tell you that her staying for Dinner was a really bad idea BUT we are not going to beat you for it. You have seen what it does to you and how it effects you so now you know to get her gone before dinner! Yes she is still using you. Yes it takes practice and balls of steel to stop it from happening, Yes we all make mistakes and we all let our guards down.

 

If you really want to give Ziggy, BC and I a great big thank you, come back here when you have been sober for a year, when you are starting to think about dating again and tell us about the gorgeous woman you chatted up as you got groceries. Come back when you are happy and have gone along Route 66 on your new bike with your baby girl in the side car! That would be the best gift any of us could have.

 

Keep going because you are going to get there.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks. I know I will be there one day just seems pretty far off. I truely think until there is so release in the picture I'm not going to be able to let go completely. Of course I can't deny I still hope that someone else is actually me some time from now. I can't get out of my head what this breakup has done for me On a positive note and that it should show at some point but not holding my breath either. Still care for her and want nothing more than my daughter every day. Definitely much better than just a month ago where I thought all was lost. And felt no reason to go on. But proving to myself I am worth something is happens is happening slowly.

 

Hope things are going well on your side of the pond. After having an awesome month with business it's been super slow these last four days so at least I've had time for the baby. Been doing lots of stuff so that's nice.

 

So do you think the egg hunt and concert are bad ideas? A couple times in the last few days I get that look on her face like she wants me to say something or do something more but I haven't. I know the whole breadcrumbs thing so just asking. One of the main reasons she left was I never wanted to do things she liked and only stuff I wanted to do. So in my mind it makes sense to go along. Particularly since there isn't anyone else in the picture that I know of. In th think of the breakup a month ago I told her I would do what I can to show change but once there's someone else I'm done for sures, so what do you think? I'm looking for openmminded truth not just what the nc says but a feeling on the situation as a whole. Thanks

[beach]

I think it's useful to create your own traditions without her.

 

So just plan an egg hunt with your child.

 

These are the ex's consequences to her decision to leave - she misses out on some things because the child is with you.

 

Create your OWN life with your child. No need to keep including the ex - she continues to overstep a healthy boundary for YOU.

 

You're allowed to tell her NO...

 

 

And great job not drinking!!!! Woot! Yay for you!

[ZiggyZoo]

Add my congratulations to our two months' sobriety too! Good job!

 

You know my view on the situation already, but here's something else to think about. You've made all these positive changes once your ex was gone. I know that you're doing it to impress her, but there was something in your relationship that was causing you to shut her out and drink too much. You guys weren't a good couple. You didn't work well together. What you're feeling now is panic at being alone, and mourning he loss of your family, but you would do a lot better to separate this from missing HER. You're literally better off without her. Seriously think about that.

 

I knew she would pull something this weekend, when you said you agreed to let her have your daughter, to bring to her parents'. I say split the difference. You take her Sat and do Easter stuff that day, and let her have her on Sunday for her family stuff.

 

Your ex is actually being very inconsiderate by hanging out with you so much. Think about it, she knows how you feel about her, and knows she isn't likely to be back together with you any time soon, but she still calls and comes over and all that. In my opinion, she should have declined the dinner invitation, and left. It shows a lack of concern for your feelings when she continues to invite you to hang out, using you daughter as bait, knowing how you feel about her. That pisses me off the most, I think. That she has so little regard for you and is so self-centered that she'll take advantage of you and hurt you to stroke her own ego. Because trust me, she loves pulling your strings and seeing you jump.

 

Ah crap. My pregnancy hormones are flowing today, and I might have been a bit harsh. I think of you as a friend though, and I don't like to see my friends get hurt. Believe me, I want what's best for you and completely understand where you're coming from. Man, I wanted my ex-husband back for months, and went to such lengths and out of my way to help him out...afterwards, I was pissed at myself for awhile, and just want to minimize that for you. But I do get it. Sh*tty, sh*tty place to be.

 

So, ending on a positive note! Sidecar bike is a super idea! I can see you and your daughter tooling around in one...and they're quite the thing to start a conversation. I think I might get one for my next bike, actually. I have a few little girls of my own to ride around with.

[NopeNah]

Congrats on the two month mark!

[Flabreakup]

Thanks for the congratulations.

 

Ziggy

I do understand completely where your coming from and I appreciate you trying to help me not feel even worse down the line. I already feel bad about the way I acted for the first three or four weeks after the breakup so I totally get it.

 

However, for the last two years since we moved back to fla neither one of us was working and had our own lives. She was in school everyday and I was taking care of the baby everyday all day. We were living off my savings and what her parents gave her so never had money to do things. Of course I always found money for booze but that's another story. One of the many things she's brought up. Now it seems we both have other things going on with me having a good business and her starting her nursing career. Things just seem better overall. On the same note I've had the baby almost a week straight now and tomorrow she'll be gone for a few days and those are usually the rough ones when I get really down and miss everything. When I have the baby I jist think about all these get possibilities and outcomes that I know have less than a good chance.

 

Sometimes though she says things and acts in a way that really makes me think she's just taking her time to see if I stay sober and if I really do want to do things she likes or I'm jist all talk. She said talking to her exs was a knee jerk reaction and she never met or did anything but text and haven't since I found out. Convenient I know but that's what I'm told. She said me helping out last weekend With the baby when she was sick really showed her something about me. She gave me a hug when I left Sunday and said something along the lines of she can't make it that easy but I'm proving I can be happy without alcohol. She said she never thought I could stop and if I did that I would be miserable and unhappy. Breadcrumbs I know. One of these days I'll get the courage to say I can't be this kind of friend because she knows I want more. She was definitely very submissive during the relationship and I took advantage of that and now the tables have completely turned.

 

I just remember someone saying a man doesn't give up so I'm going to keep living my life trying to enjoy my daughter and hope for the best. What that is at this time I really don't know. With a child it just seems in my head I have to continue to see if I can have the family together at all. But also prepare for that not to happen. Tough spot and probably tough next few months.

 

Thanks I do keep everything you all say in mind and Thursday when I don't have the baby I might be back to the f her stage. It's very hard to change the way you feel.

[Flabreakup]

Well. As someone mentioned I did get the Easter dinner invite today. I did at least turn that down. I just wouldn't feel comfortable there with her family knowing the situation and they might not be either so don't want to ruin my daughters dinner with weird vibes everywhere. At least a little step for me.

[Toodaloo]

Brian honey. I know you say that you will not be able to fully let go until someone else is there but what you fail to realise is that there was already... She was harping about with her ex... Its already happened you have just shut your eyes to it.

 

Now listen. This has all given you a massive kick up the back side. Its made you realise what you want from life and also that you can achieve it. You have started that road to getting where you want to be... Your doing really well.

 

I don't recall having a wife that goes behind your back and texts/ chats up other men being on your wish list???

 

What you have achieved has been on your own, during a period of time when she has caused a heck of a lot of emotional distress... Those are the actions of a very determined and strong man. Going off and texting exes is flakey, very very flakey.

 

Time for you to have someone who is going to stick it out with you until the good stuff comes round rather than just ducks out when their life is getting better. Life isn't all happy times, peaches and roses. Life throws us all curve balls. You deserve someone that will put in as much effort as you do.

 

Good on you for not going. Now plan to go and see friends instead so you are not on your own. Plan some activities like the easter egg hunt with your daughter and make them a tradition each year as something you do with her.

 

Keep going! Your getting there!

[Flabreakup]

Thanks for the encouraging words.

 

I do thnk I e one of **** my eyes to some things that happened at the end but she did stick it out with me for a very long time. I can honestly say I wouldn't have stuck around as long as she did the way I was acting and treating her. I found something she wrote to me about six months after we were together while she was pregnant and living New Jersey for me. She basically stated everything she was feeling at that time which is the same reasons she left now. This was almost four years ago. At the end of her letter to me at that time she said she still loves me and would ha e to get use to me the way I was. Agsin that was four years ago. I really didn't pay any attention to it because as usual she was still there when I got home.

 

I truely took advantage of her kindness for years. This makes me feel terrible and makes me think that she did still stick by me for years. Can you say that if someone was a drunken idiot partying with his friends all the time while she was pregnant living in a new state that you would have stuck by them for many more years. Eventually we all reach our breaking point and I did that. Even this past summer she was making all kinds of wedding plans while I was still acting a fool.

 

I know not to blame myself for everything but finding that letter shows she's felt this way for a long long time and I blatantly disregarded it in my state of mind then and right up until she left. Also if she didn't leave I wouldn't have quit drinking and slowly become the better person I am. She's six years younger than me so can I really blame her for not wanting to put up with the way I was for the rest of our lives? If she did some of the things I did our relationship would have been a few months not years. Reading that letter yesterday kind of kills my argument that I didn't know what she was feeling because it right there in black and white from 2011.

 

I'm not saying she was always perfect and texting her exs was not a very nice thing to do but one lives six hours away and the other sixteen so I really think it was just her trying to feel wanted again or something like that. She cried every time we saw each other for the first weeks and was even upset just last week when I was saying goodbye to the baby. I know I'm trying to justify things in my head but sometimes even as the dumpee we should take reponsibility for our actions or inactions just as they should.

 

Now just to let you know I can't shake the hope for us sometime in the future. But I am trying to move on. The ole hope for the best but prepare for the worst comes to mind. I realize either one or both of us could meet someone we really have those strong feelings for again at anytime. Of course as the dumpee mine feelings for her are still much stronger than hers for me right now but I really do still see it in her eyes that she wished I would have done these things a few months earlier. She's very stubborn and with her parents financial support really doesn't need anyone or anything right now so I do think she's trying to figure out what's best and I'm just making it really easy on her with all the talking and letting her hangout for an hour almost every night she comes to pick the baby up but I still have yet to call or ask for anything in weeks. It happened almost immediately after I stopped that she started. Again I know it's just the whole breadcrumbs and maybe her feeling alone at the moment. But this whole having a child thing really makes it hard to just give up and just say f it all.

 

Anyway, again me feeling hopeful and probably just setting myself up but even the chance to have them is worth the risk of heart ache again. This weekend will be two months and maybe I should think of putting some kind of time limit on this instead of just when or if she meets someone. I know Ziggy said she tried too but hurt worse so that scares me a little and I am making some small steps forward. It's those steps backward and wishful thinking that me we it all up when I see her.

 

So you think the asking me to go egg hunting and to Easter dinner and to a concert a few weeks from now all mean nothing? As I said I never wanted to do anything she did I just drank at home and said to with your friends. This was also in the letter four years ago. I can cut and past it as it was a message and this was years ago. I'll send it In another post so you can really cover an understanding of her feelings direct from her four years ago.

[ZiggyZoo]

Here's the big, big thing that you're not getting, and what she's holding over your head. Yes, she may have written you a letter years ago telling you what she needed. And yes, you may have ignored her needs. But SHE STAYED. That's the thing. She had a choice all those four years, to stay or to go. She chose to be with you, knowing what you were like, and what you weren't willing or able to give her. She did that to herself, just as much as you did. You don't owe her anything other than being a good dad. But she made her choice to stay, she made her choice to leave, and she made her choice to take up with her exs while still with you. All the hanging out and being who she wanted you to be now isn't ever going to make up for the past. She is responsible for her own disappointment, just as much as you are. If someone treats you poorly and you don't like it, if you stay with that person then it is on you after a while. She has shown that she can make the decision to leave, and she didn't back then for whatevefr reason.

 

Brian, my ex flat out left me for another woman, and I still looked up all those "is it a rebound" articles online. Even if she gets a new boyfriend, it still won't sink in with you. You need to realize it for yourself that the relationship you two had, for the last few years, is done. I know you look at your aunt and uncle, and my own parents were married, divorced, and re-married each other. And my dad would tell me just what I'm telling you now. I wanted my marriage and my husband back so badly, and he would say that this relationship is over. To get together again, you have to accept that, move on and heal from this breakup, and both of you fix what was broken. I admit, my purpose behind getting serious about accepting the end of my marriage was at first so I could get on with getting him back. But it got to where I could see that it wasn't meant to be. That I (and you!) deserved better. And I finally fell out of love with him and today we're ok. He's not exactly my friend, but I would be sad if he died let's say. the first part is letting go though. You can't fix your old relationship, and you can't start your new one yet either.

 

You absolutely need to draw up some boundaries for yourself. She is taking advantage of you, and if she respected your feelings, she would let you be. She is being very selfish, and don't even try to justify that by saying she should be selfish because you were selfish in the past. The past is done. All this hanging out she's suggesting are purely for her, and are hurting you so much in the long term. I know I sound like a broken record. But every post you write is "I know I shouldn't, but..." well, if you know you shouldn't, then stop!

 

I'd suggest telling her that you would appreciate her cooperation in helping you to really come to terms with what happened. That you would love to be friends, but it is too hard right now and that you need to keep your interactions strictly to things about you daughter. Your ex will eat that sh*t up, her ego can live on knowing what a tizzy she's put you in for a while. And uuuugh, I hate to do it, but maybe the ends will justify the means. Just tell yourself that you're doing it so she can see that you CAN set boundaries and stick with them. Because that will impress her, if you show follow through. If you communicate your feelings to her like that. But most importantly, start re-building your self-esteem by saying no and doing what you KNOW is best for YOU.

 

So I'm saying no to the easter stuff and the concert. I'm the one who totally called the invite to dinner too. Good job for saying no. Oh lord, I went to a birthday party for my youngest at my (former) in-laws about two months after my breakup and it was gut-wrenching. Everything was the same, but nothing was the same. Not worth it.

[Flabreakup]

Her words three years ago:

 

So I wanted to write to you because I feel the need to explain the reasons why I was last night...and maybe a little to often lately. First of all I don't hate you, nor could I ever so please don't ever think that or feel that way. I know you think I got mad at you for going out to the bar for a few hours last night, but I told you that wasn't the point at all. He's I did get upset but was more hurt than anything else. When I say I've been realizing a lot of things lately it has nothing to do with you going out...you always have. The part that bothered me last night and has lately is that I have to ask you days in advance to do something with me and hope that you don't forget or change your mind, mean while someone else can call you up wanting to do something and you are all for it. And no it's not just like this since the baby is here, it has been since I moved here. When I use to visit we actually did things together. I think I did more things together with you the few weeks/weekends that I came to visit than I have in the last eight months since I moved here. And the fact I was pregnant and couldn't drink was no excuse...we could've gone out to eat or gone to a comedy club or anything. How many times did I ask you if we could do something different...or do something just us? How many times before the baby came did I suggest we have a date night once in a while? I shouldnt have to beg you to want to spend time with me... Or should I say just me. But instead you would say things like that being stupid or making it seem like since we live together there is no point for us to go on a date anywhere. Or you would talk about us wasting money going out to eat or whatever else...meanwhile you could go to the bar and throw away however much money you would spend and even treating others at the bar. But aside from that I still went wherever you wanted and did whatever you wanted just to make you happy. That would be something else that bothered me about last night. How many times did I ask if we could go to some other bar ( any other bar) where there would be something for me to do since I couldn't drink and because towards the end of my pregnancy I didn't really want to be hanging out at the bar anyway. How many times did I suggest going somewhere that would have something fun for us to do besides sit on a bar stool and be bored. However when your friends suggest things you decide why not. And then the last part about last night would be when I talked to yiu while you were at work to see what you wanted for dinner you said how it's been a long day and that you wanted to drink. I even offered to pick some up for you so it would be there when you got home it would be cold. I even specifically asked you if that meant you wanted to stop at a bar and you said no. But again, your friend calls and in a split second all your plans change.. And that's the way it has been since I came here. If you remember, he would be the reason for the last time I was upset too with the change of plans that Friday night that you went out to the bar with him instead of coming home. Funny how it always seems to come back to issues with you leaving me here to go out with him. Not to mention the many times I asked that once the baby came I didn't really want people spending the night here. But somehow a loophole was found and like I said...apparently what I say or ask and how I feel about things really don't matter. I realize he is your friend and to you friends are everything...but this brings me to my last realization and the one that hurts almost as much as you not liking spending time alone with me( and no I don't mean leaving without the baby, I now mean us as a family) but the other one would be that I don't ever think you will ever truly be happy in Florida. I gave up everything to move here just so I can be with you...and I promise my family means more to me than any of your friends ever could to you! But I don't know that you could or really would do the same. You talk about (other good friend) finding excuses why he couldn't move...but you do the same thing and I think you will always find some reason for why it wouldn't work for you to move. No matter what it is always going to be a sacrifice of some kind and it will never simply be easy...so I really don't think it will be a sacrifice you will ever be willing to make. Anyways I know Ive rambled on, but I really do want to let you know why I've been so down or upset lately. I'm sorry this is so long but it was the only way for me to really express everything. You know I get to emotional when I actually try to talk about it. I'm sure plenty of this is my fault for never flat out saying things... I have a problem of hinting around things and hoping they are picked up on. But regardless I love you and always will. I just have to get use to the reality of the way thing are and stop expecting them to change or be different.

 

Back to me

So apparently this was a few months after the baby not while she was actually pregnant. So probably around three years ago. Of course I did move a few months after she wrote that but my behavior really didn't chsmge much til she left. Makes me really sad reading that. So imagine her putting up with three more years of that stuff. I'm not sure but you can get an idea of why I feel the way I do and why she did what she had to do. How long would any of you stuck around?

[Flabreakup]

So ziggy

I read your response after I pasted her message. Your definitely correct and the old relationship will never happen again. We're both very different in just the last few months. She's become much more assertive, which I actually kind of like and of course I'm no longer drinking and partying like its my last day. Every day. She's working and my business is going well. I'm paying much more attention to our daughter and her needs and we have a blast.

 

I do agree I must let go first but find it so hard when she now wants to do things and as you read that was one of our many problems. And really the biggest one next to my drinking too much.

 

Let go I must. I'm with you. Unfortunately due to our new agreement with stopping the day care I won't get to see the baby until Monday unless I do the Easter egg thing or stop by one morning to drop off a basket at least. Do t have any friends here except my roomy so it will be a long weekend. Going to enjoy these last few hours with the baby til Monday. And see if I can come up with some nice way of saying no. Very hard for me. Even while drinking I was the one my friends and family turned to for most problems and usually solved them now I'm the one losing it over a relationship. Not losing it so much anymore but stuck in love with someone that's not with me anymore I think.

[ZiggyZoo]

Wow. If "Self Pity" was taught in school, she could get a PhD in it. I don't know if your relationship was bad because you drank, or if you drank because the relationship was bad. But it doesn't look like either of you were very happy, so why are you trying to rekindle it again? Like you yourself pointed out, since she left, you quit drinking and have been doing better than ever. I know you think it is so she'll see a new you and come back, but I'm not so sure. I honestly think that some part of you is doing better without the pressure of that relationship. She has a martyr complex thing going on, where she thinks you owe her for how you treated her, and you're feeding right into it. She obviously has issues with setting boundaries too, if she put up with all that for so long. Which is probably why she is disrespecting yours like she is.

 

Why can't you see your daughter again? You can only see her if you're providing daycare? I'd say see if you can have her for Thurs or Fri. I know you want to see her, but using her as an excuse to see your ex is cheating. Been there, done that too. I would call my girls on the weekends I didn't have them just to talk to my ex. I would try and drag out the transfer times as long as possible. I know what you're doing, and it is only going to hurt you in the end. But setting limits and enforcing them is never easy. And you may have to miss your little girl for a few days. It stinks, but it happens.

 

Maybe its because I'm a third party, looking from the outside, but this relationship was so unhealthy, and continues to be. Not only is it now all about feeding her ego by keeping you jumping and at her beck and call, but she has you actually making excuses for her poor behavior and taking the blame for it. Has she even one time, I mean ONCE asked you what YOU needed? And no, she doesn't get a pass because you were selfish in the past. That was the past, remember. I'm talking about the here and now. When has she done something nice for you, just to do it? And how long until you've redeemed yourself, in her eyes? How long can you keep doing this to yourself, telling yourself that your needs and desires don't matter? Why would you want to even be in that type of relationship? Your self-esteem is already low, what do you think months and months of not quite being enough for her is going to do to it? This is why you need to set your limits and enforce them. You need to be telling yourself that you deserve to have your boundaries respected, and that you deserve to be more than a Plan B for your ex.

[Toodaloo]

What should have happened is not subtle hints and little digs and comments.

 

What should have happened is a frank honest discussion that was blunt to the point and laid down the ground rules between you both.

 

That didn't happen and instead she fannyed about getting coy and being silly about it all. You carried on because she didn't make it clear that she was serious she allowed it to get to her and didn't deal with it properly.

 

Its a vicious circle. Also known as TOXIC.

 

I am completely with Ziggy on this.

 

I know you are hurting. We know that you made mistakes as well. But you really need to pull those socks up and move on.

 

Keep going the way you are and you will not be making those mistakes again. Hopefully you can find someone who is able to be a bit more honest and direct rather than all the faffing about.

[dreamingoftigers]

I stuck around for six years after crap like that started, and it sucked and got so much worse.

 

You say you want her back?

 

Did I get that right?

 

Her words three years ago:

 

So I wanted to write to you because I feel the need to explain the reasons why I was last night...and maybe a little to often lately. First of all I don't hate you, nor could I ever so please don't ever think that or feel that way. I know you think I got mad at you for going out to the bar for a few hours last night, but I told you that wasn't the point at all. He's I did get upset but was more hurt than anything else. When I say I've been realizing a lot of things lately it has nothing to do with you going out...you always have. The part that bothered me last night and has lately is that I have to ask you days in advance to do something with me and hope that you don't forget or change your mind, mean while someone else can call you up wanting to do something and you are all for it. And no it's not just like this since the baby is here, it has been since I moved here. When I use to visit we actually did things together. I think I did more things together with you the few weeks/weekends that I came to visit than I have in the last eight months since I moved here. And the fact I was pregnant and couldn't drink was no excuse...we could've gone out to eat or gone to a comedy club or anything. How many times did I ask you if we could do something different...or do something just us? How many times before the baby came did I suggest we have a date night once in a while? I shouldnt have to beg you to want to spend time with me... Or should I say just me. But instead you would say things like that being stupid or making it seem like since we live together there is no point for us to go on a date anywhere. Or you would talk about us wasting money going out to eat or whatever else...meanwhile you could go to the bar and throw away however much money you would spend and even treating others at the bar. But aside from that I still went wherever you wanted and did whatever you wanted just to make you happy. That would be something else that bothered me about last night. How many times did I ask if we could go to some other bar ( any other bar) where there would be something for me to do since I couldn't drink and because towards the end of my pregnancy I didn't really want to be hanging out at the bar anyway. How many times did I suggest going somewhere that would have something fun for us to do besides sit on a bar stool and be bored. However when your friends suggest things you decide why not. And then the last part about last night would be when I talked to yiu while you were at work to see what you wanted for dinner you said how it's been a long day and that you wanted to drink. I even offered to pick some up for you so it would be there when you got home it would be cold. I even specifically asked you if that meant you wanted to stop at a bar and you said no. But again, your friend calls and in a split second all your plans change.. And that's the way it has been since I came here. If you remember, he would be the reason for the last time I was upset too with the change of plans that Friday night that you went out to the bar with him instead of coming home. Funny how it always seems to come back to issues with you leaving me here to go out with him. Not to mention the many times I asked that once the baby came I didn't really want people spending the night here. But somehow a loophole was found and like I said...apparently what I say or ask and how I feel about things really don't matter. I realize he is your friend and to you friends are everything...but this brings me to my last realization and the one that hurts almost as much as you not liking spending time alone with me( and no I don't mean leaving without the baby, I now mean us as a family) but the other one would be that I don't ever think you will ever truly be happy in Florida. I gave up everything to move here just so I can be with you...and I promise my family means more to me than any of your friends ever could to you! But I don't know that you could or really would do the same. You talk about (other good friend) finding excuses why he couldn't move...but you do the same thing and I think you will always find some reason for why it wouldn't work for you to move. No matter what it is always going to be a sacrifice of some kind and it will never simply be easy...so I really don't think it will be a sacrifice you will ever be willing to make. Anyways I know Ive rambled on, but I really do want to let you know why I've been so down or upset lately. I'm sorry this is so long but it was the only way for me to really express everything. You know I get to emotional when I actually try to talk about it. I'm sure plenty of this is my fault for never flat out saying things... I have a problem of hinting around things and hoping they are picked up on. But regardless I love you and always will. I just have to get use to the reality of the way thing are and stop expecting them to change or be different.

 

Back to me

So apparently this was a few months after the baby not while she was actually pregnant. So probably around three years ago. Of course I did move a few months after she wrote that but my behavior really didn't chsmge much til she left. Makes me really sad reading that. So imagine her putting up with three more years of that stuff. I'm not sure but you can get an idea of why I feel the way I do and why she did what she had to do. How long would any of you stuck around?

[dreamingoftigers]

What should have happened is not subtle hints and little digs and comments.

 

What should have happened is a frank honest discussion that was blunt to the point and laid down the ground rules between you both.

 

That didn't happen and instead she fannyed about getting coy and being silly about it all. You carried on because she didn't make it clear that she was serious she allowed it to get to her and didn't deal with it properly.

 

Its a vicious circle. Also known as TOXIC.

 

I am completely with Ziggy on this.

 

I know you are hurting. We know that you made mistakes as well. But you really need to pull those socks up and move on.

 

Keep going the way you are and you will not be making those mistakes again. Hopefully you can find someone who is able to be a bit more honest and direct rather than all the faffing about.

 

That letter was pretty damn direct.

 

She felt second best, she felt left out and like he didn't put her as a priority instead of his friends.

 

How in the world did anyone miss that?

[Flabreakup]

Been crazy busy for a while but some pretty amazing things happening lately.

 

I got the, I made a mistake talk from the ex. I'll go into a little more detail in a day or so but basically I see on here not to forgive until you get that very speech or talk and I got it! We we not even talking about any of that stuff and really haven't. I don't know if it means anything or just the way she was feeling that day but seems pretty sincere to me. Have been spending time together the last few days but nothing crazy. Just working on us and talking through a lot. I'm sure it's not going to go over well with everyone and maybe not even me but seems so right at the moment. No breadcrumbs. Straight out I shouldn't have left the way I did but that she didn't see any other way out and so forth.

 

Not sure where it's going to go and not even sure how I feel about it but lots to think about so I'll get back Monday.

 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend

Edited April 4, 2015 by Flabreakup

[ZiggyZoo]

Been crazy busy for a while but some pretty amazing things happening lately.

 

I got the, I made a mistake talk from the ex. I'll go into a little more detail in a day or so but basically I see on here not to forgive until you get that very speech or talk and I got it! We we not even talking about any of that stuff and really haven't. I don't know if it means anything or just the way she was feeling that day but seems pretty sincere to me. Have been spending time together the last few days but nothing crazy. Just working on us and talking through a lot. I'm sure it's not going to go over well with everyone and maybe not even me but seems so right at the moment. No breadcrumbs. Straight out I shouldn't have left the way I did but that she didn't see any other way out and so forth.

Not sure where it's going to go and not even sure how I feel about it but lots to think about so I'll get back Monday.

 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend

 

I was afraid of this, and it doesn't surprise me at all.

 

This is her not taking responsibility for her actions yet again. There were plenty of other ways out for her, other than blindsiding you and contacting her ex while you were still together. What has changed here? You. Only you. You've put a lot of effort into making yourself better, and how has she shown that she's made any changes in how she is going to handle things, going forward?

 

I know that right now you're happy as hell thinking that your family is back together and all is forgiven, but please be careful. If both of you haven't put in real work to make the relationship better, and solve the problems that were there to make it end, it isn't going to last.

 

Listen carefully here, please...I know that this whole time you think that your drinking and your actions were the only problems in your relationship, and that was all that needed to be fixed. But as a outsider and someone who has your best interests at heart, please believe me that she had some issues to work on too.

 

Just think about what I said. There are too many reconciliation stories on here that end up broken up all over again. I personally think neither of you have truly had enough time apart, and would hate to see you back in six months.

 

I'm happy that you're happy, and wish you the best.

[Toodaloo]

HI Brian

 

I really am with Ziggy on this.

 

If she comes back and if you take her back I am afraid that the pair of you really do have so much to sort out BEFORE it happens. You really need to be able to talk to each other in ways in which you can both hear each other.

 

You both need to stop giving up things to be in the relationship and instead start supporting each other.

 

What this translates to is that she fell for the biker so don't give up your bike (or the side car for your daughter!!!). She also needs to keep on with the things that make her happy away from you. Her work etc.

 

She isn't taking responsibility she still isn't being direct. All she has done is admit that you are a pretty great guy. Well anyone can see that!

 

Remember, boundaries and make sure you take this very slowly. You have made great strides to turn your life around with out her. Do not let all of this take you back to where you were...

 

Good luck.

[Toodaloo]

That letter was pretty damn direct.

 

She felt second best, she felt left out and like he didn't put her as a priority instead of his friends.

 

How in the world did anyone miss that?

 

No it wasn't it was drivel.

 

All it said was oh well I don't like it much and I am bloody miserable and I am blaming it on you rather than get my backside into gear and doing something about it... By the way you can carry on because I am not going to do anything about it ergo its not that bad...

 

What she should have done is sat him down and said. Your behavior is out of order. Sort it out or I am out then got up and gone.

 

Even when she did go she was driveling around and fannying about.