My only son is becoming distant

[amaysngrace]

I'm going to start therapy next week and I pray to God that it helps me, because I can't shake all this negativity away, no matter how I acknowledge that my son is doing what needs to be done for him to be happy.

 

I'm not a psychologist but Lord knows I've been to enough of them to know that whatever you sought therapy for before may have something to do with how you are feeling now.

 

That might be something for you to consider prior to your appointment.

 

Good for you for getting help for yourself!! You dare to hope. That's always a good thing!!

[pteromom]

I'm going to start therapy next week and I pray to God that it helps me, because I can't shake all this negativity away, no matter how I acknowledge that my son is doing what needs to be done for him to be happy.

 

Good for you. I will pray for you too.

 

I hope you are able to find peace with your new role as a parent of an adult child, and that your relationship with your son will heal and blossom.

 

Big hugs to you.

 

Let us know how it is going for you.

[bathtub-row]

Daisy, I'm single and, like you, have an only son. The sad truth here is that you are putting too much pressure on your son. Also, now that he's done with college and supporting himself, you really have no say over his life or his choices.

 

My son's dad has made huge mistakes with his son all his life. My son literally has to mentally prep himself to get around his dad. The biggest issue between them is about control. When you attempt to control someone, you are actually driving them away. Not only that, you're saying that you don't trust their judgment and that you're snarter than they are. Be glad that your son is done with college and that he has a job he loves and a gf he's crazy about. And just because he goes to visit you and your husband doesn't nean he's relegated to spending every moment with you. It's perfectly natural for him and his gf to go off and enjoy the city on their own, visit friends, whatever.

 

What you and your husband are actually doing is creating a lot of anxiety for your son and, no matter how much he loves you both, it makes him want to stay away from you. Plus, you're doing the classic thing that parents do when they have only one child. He is not on this earth to be there for you all the time. He cannot make up for the other siblings he doesn't have, and you can't expect him to carry that weight.

 

My son and I have a truly sweet relationship and the best thing is that he often asks for my advice or thoughts on things. The reason he does that with me and not with his dad is because I don't ever tell him what he needs to do. I will tell him my thoughts, the potential pitfalls, etc but I always leave the decision up to him. As long as it doesn't involve me paying for something, he has to be the one to make the choice. The truth is, you want your child to have that confidence to make decisions on their own.

 

My son went out and bought himself a new car recently. This is a new thing for him to take on debt and at first I thought he had made a bad decision. But he was so dang proud of himself, I couldn't say a thing except to congratulate him. Then when I thought about it, what he did made perfect sense. He's got another year of college but he has a good job and he travels a lot so he needed a reliable car. Plus he bought a standard, so it's great on gas. He had actually thought it all out and, in the end, I realized what a smart thing he has done.

 

The thing is, daisy, your son needs your praise and encouragement at this stage of his life. You need to let him make his own mistakes and don't beat him up when he makes them. He just needs to know that you're on his side. If you can get that message across to him by your words and actions, I can guarantee you that things will change for the better. But don't think that means he's going to do what you want him to do. It means that he'll find more time to be with you and those visits will be much more enjoyable. But don't forget that he's just now getting his feet on the ground. He's very busy, very distracted. Him not being around you all the time means that he's growing and discovering himself. It won't always be that way. As you already know, life is cyclical. Try to relax into it and just let it happen.

[sandylee1]

Daisy

 

I'm glad to hear you're going to therapy. You really do need it, to come to terms with the reality of your son growing up.

 

I don't know the situation with your own in laws, but would you like to be living so close to them? With no breathing space and your mother in law constantly up in your business. Wanting to vacation with you?

 

Look at how many people have responded to your original post and the consistent responses you are receiving. ...Surely that tells you where the problem lies.

 

While you're feeling this way, don't contact your son or his fiancée. You don't want him to cut you out of his life completely now.

 

Best of luck with the therapy.

[daisy101]

Hello everybody.

 

I went to my first session of therapy, it was an 1 hour thing so I couldn't go too deep about everything, but overall it went fine.

 

Therapist says I am feeling a huge empty nest syndrom and I can't deal with the fact that I'm not in the role of a mother anymore. He said that based on how I protected and showed my son love through his life, he is probably feeling miserable as can be and full of guilt for making me sad, and that is really unfair for him.

 

He said I'm well aware that I'm not in the role of a mother anymore, but I'm sabotaging myself to not believe that. It's the first thing he wants to put to work.

 

Also, he said that not being in the role of a mother doesn't mean that I'm no longer a mother. My son will always be my son and our bond will never break no matter what...

 

I'm glad I started this, I hope it continues this way.

[Rainbowlove]

Hello everybody.

 

I went to my first session of therapy, it was an 1 hour thing so I couldn't go too deep about everything, but overall it went fine.

 

Therapist says I am feeling a huge empty nest syndrom and I can't deal with the fact that I'm not in the role of a mother anymore. He said that based on how I protected and showed my son love through his life, he is probably feeling miserable as can be and full of guilt for making me sad, and that is really unfair for him.

 

He said I'm well aware that I'm not in the role of a mother anymore, but I'm sabotaging myself to not believe that. It's the first thing he wants to put to work.

 

Also, he said that not being in the role of a mother doesn't mean that I'm no longer a mother. My son will always be my son and our bond will never break no matter what...

 

I'm glad I started this, I hope it continues this way.

 

I just wanted to give you props for taking this huge step forward.

 

What better way to tell your son that you love him than by admitting you need help and you are willing to get it to improve your relationship with him and to find inner peace and happiness for yourself.

 

Nice job. Keep at it.

[sandylee1]

Daisy

 

You're doing great so far with the therapy. It's probably hard to hear what the therapist is saying, but with positivity and hard work, you'll get there.

 

There is nothing like a mothers love and my mom, will always be just that. No matter how old I am.

 

Keep up with the counselling.

[Pull n Pray]

 

He says he's happy where he is, and he loves his job but I think the only thing keeping him there is his girlfriend. But I don't see why she couldn't move closer with him anyway, we're not asking him to break up with her.

 

Well where does his girlfriend's parents live? Maybe he should move to their city. Your expectations about the kind of relationship you and your husband should have with your adult son are ridiculous. The tighter you try to hold on to him, the more he is going to push you both away.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Pull n Pray

[daisy101]

Well where does his girlfriend's parents live? Maybe he should move to their city. Your expectations about the kind of relationship you and your husband should have with your adult son are ridiculous. The tighter you try to hold on to him, the more he is going to push you both away.

 

They live in there already, and they are much older so I understand why his fiance doesn't want to live far away.

[amaysngrace]

They live in there already, and they are much older so I understand why his fiance doesn't want to live far away.

 

It sounds like he got himself a good woman, your son.

 

That's a reflection on you.

[daisy101]

It sounds like he got himself a good woman, your son.

 

That's a reflection on you.

 

Thank you amaysngrace. Yes, she is a nice girl, a hard worker and a wonderful soon-to-be wife. I'm terribly ashamed for how I acted in front of her.

[daisy101]

Hi again everybody, thank you for you messages of support, they mean a lot to me.

 

I just got out of my second session and it went well again.

 

This time the focus was on how I put a lot of expectations in my son's back and desired he would accomplish every last one of them.

We parents have to realize that a child will disappoint us and will not live to fulfill our expectations. They have the right to set their own and work hard to achieve them.

 

I was raised in a dysfunctional environment where my father was verbally and emotionally abusive to all family members, and I've grown to respect him not as a father but as an authority. So I mirrored his behaviour in me and expected my son would think of me as an authority and not as a mother who raised him to be independent.

 

Things are harsh sometimes and I do not hear what I want from the therapist, but that's how it goes after all.

 

Thanks again for the support, everone!

[whichwayisup]

Hello everybody.

 

I went to my first session of therapy, it was an 1 hour thing so I couldn't go too deep about everything, but overall it went fine.

 

Therapist says I am feeling a huge empty nest syndrom and I can't deal with the fact that I'm not in the role of a mother anymore. He said that based on how I protected and showed my son love through his life, he is probably feeling miserable as can be and full of guilt for making me sad, and that is really unfair for him.

 

He said I'm well aware that I'm not in the role of a mother anymore, but I'm sabotaging myself to not believe that. It's the first thing he wants to put to work.

 

Also, he said that not being in the role of a mother doesn't mean that I'm no longer a mother. My son will always be my son and our bond will never break no matter what...

 

I'm glad I started this, I hope it continues this way.

 

Your 'parenting' days are over but you'll always be his mom. You brought him up well, just look at how he's thriving in life with confidence and wanting to try new things and explore the world. That's a good thing and it's a reflection on how you are as a mom.

 

With that said, now you can trust him to make the right decisions for himself and just love and support him as much as you can, even if you disagree with some of his choices. Allow him the space and if he makes mistakes, suffers because of them, you'll be there for support and to talk if he needs it.

 

Glad therapy went well, continue going, it'll only get better. My motto about counseling is, what you put into it is what you get out of it.

[turnera]

Your 'parenting' days are over but you'll always be his mom. You brought him up well, just look at how he's thriving in life with confidence and wanting to try new things and explore the world. That's a good thing and it's a reflection on how you are as a mom.

 

With that said, now you can trust him to make the right decisions for himself and just love and support him as much as you can, even if you disagree with some of his choices. Allow him the space and if he makes mistakes, suffers because of them, you'll be there for support and to talk if he needs it.

 

Glad therapy went well, continue going, it'll only get better. My motto about counseling is, what you put into it is what you get out of it.

Just for more information, it might help you moving forward knowing it, look up "Authoritative Parenting." It's what your therapist was talking about. It's how I raised my DD24 and she turned out pretty amazing. It can help you relate better to your son.

[sandylee1]

Daisy

 

You're doing great with the therapy. Please keep it up.

[kclaudia]

my son too, because he is his idol, and he want to be like this guy

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L3bfV_ynFw

[steveT95]

First of all, let me apologise for only reading the first page of this forum so I'm sorry if I say anything that has been covered.

 

But I would like to offer my thoughts as a son that has recently moved away for uni. Me moving away was possibly one of the hardest things for my mum, she has a partner but now I am gone she lives alone. I have moved to the other end of the country, 8 hours by car on a good day.

Plus when I visit, often for just a week, I split my time between her, my Dad and my friends.

 

 

My mother respects this. Respect. This is key for maintaining any positive relationship is respect. You must respect his choices because although you will always be his mother, and he will always be your son. You will not always be his carer and you are no longer responsible for his actions.

 

Empathy is also key. Try and see things from his point of view. Work oppurtunities are only a small part of his wellbeing. There must be a whole array of other things that his new city offers that he doesn't want to miss out on.

I love where I am from but I would miss out on so so much if I stayed there. The world is a big place, why stay somewhere just because you happened to be born there?

 

His girlfriend is a new woman in his life. She can never fully replace you, but she will take on some of your roles. This obviously is quite a painful thing to realise but it is not a negative thing. Psychologically it would be very damaging if he remained dependent on you for everything.

 

As for scolding him. He is 25, not 15. You are no longer responsible for his actions. You may wish you could but you can't just send him to his room when he does something you don't like. You should talk to him, make him aware of how his actions make you feel so he can take them into consideration. Then, if what he has done is truly wrong, he shall feel guilty about or a bit of regret and he will learn from his mistakes. As we all do.

 

When I visit home I do often find my parents overbearing and find myself wanting to return to my flat 8 hours away just for a bit of peace and quiet. He, like myself, has probably gotten used to his independence. And although this may feel odd when he is home again, and things are seemingly like they used to be. It should be something that makes you proud. Proud that he is not totally useless and that he is becoming a man.

 

Finally, can you and your husband not visit him occasionally?

 

You both should try a bit more respect, a little more empathy, and few bigger hugs when together.

 

(p.s. I hope this message doesn't read to sternly, I typed it very quickly )

[steveT95]

Sorry, I've just seen that this has gone a lot further and you are taking steps to make a change.

 

I hope my message still is helpful, but I apologise if it is not now.

 

I wish all the best

[daisy101]

Sorry, I've just seen that this has gone a lot further and you are taking steps to make a change.

 

I hope my message still is helpful, but I apologise if it is not now.

 

I wish all the best

 

Thank you for your time, Steve, you were helpful and I really appreciate your message

[daisy101]

Hello everybody,

 

just to keep this updated...

 

Therapy is going well, I'm managing to control my reaction way better than before.

 

Tomorrow will be Good Friday's holiday here and I was expecting my son to visit us...but guess what? He's not coming.

 

He said he would have to work tomorrow because of some recent failures in a project his team is working on. For me, that sounded like an excuse for him not to come, after all, Good Friday is somewhat really important here, very very few companies open.

 

I couldn't help but give a "that's not fair" speech, but I didn't guilt trip him or anything. He said he'll drop by next weekend, and I really hope he does so..

[Diezel]

If you want to push him away further, keep giving those speeches.

 

As someone who moved away THOUSANDS of miles from family so that I could have a better quality of life, I think my mother can more than empathize with you. I see my family, at most, once a year. But she knew it was a choice I had to make.

 

In the last 8 years, she has come to visit me once.

 

And like you, whenever I go back home to visit, I have to go through the power struggles with my family when I visit. It's not a vacation anymore. Most of the times I go back, it's a week where I have to go back and try my best to please everyone and so it becomes draining rather than enjoyable.

 

For the first time in my life, I told both my parents (They are divorced) about this and they agreed to back off a bit. I know it sounds selfish, but I can believe that this is almost what your son is feeling. It's gotten to the point where he would just rather stay away and deal with your disappointment of doing so than to show up.

 

It's in your hands to reverse this.

 

Props to you for finding ways to advance with this, but remember, it IS going to take HIM time as well to cope with all of this. The older I got, the better equipped I was to deal with everything.

 

And, as an addendum, I have to work Good Friday as well.

[daisy101]

If you want to push him away further, keep giving those speeches.

 

Oh I realize I didn't make myself clear over there...I didn't say him not coming wasn't fair, but I said the company making his team work on Good Friday wasn't fair...not fair for him, not for anyone who has (including you).

 

As someone who moved away THOUSANDS of miles from family so that I could have a better quality of life, I think my mother can more than empathize with you. I see my family, at most, once a year. But she knew it was a choice I had to make.

 

In the last 8 years, she has come to visit me once.

 

And like you, whenever I go back home to visit, I have to go through the power struggles with my family when I visit. It's not a vacation anymore. Most of the times I go back, it's a week where I have to go back and try my best to please everyone and so it becomes draining rather than enjoyable.

 

For the first time in my life, I told both my parents (They are divorced) about this and they agreed to back off a bit. I know it sounds selfish, but I can believe that this is almost what your son is feeling. It's gotten to the point where he would just rather stay away and deal with your disappointment of doing so than to show up.

 

It's in your hands to reverse this.

 

Props to you for finding ways to advance with this, but remember, it IS going to take HIM time as well to cope with all of this. The older I got, the better equipped I was to deal with everything.

 

And, as an addendum, I have to work Good Friday as well.

 

I am working on this, and I'm advancing...

My conversations with my son are more enjoyable and he's been calling me more often, I appreciate this.

 

Just by curiosity...where are you from?

[Diezel]

I am originally from the Caribbean. I currently live in New Jersey.

[whichwayisup]

Hello everybody,

 

just to keep this updated...

 

Therapy is going well, I'm managing to control my reaction way better than before.

 

Tomorrow will be Good Friday's holiday here and I was expecting my son to visit us...but guess what? He's not coming.

 

He said he would have to work tomorrow because of some recent failures in a project his team is working on. For me, that sounded like an excuse for him not to come, after all, Good Friday is somewhat really important here, very very few companies open.

 

I couldn't help but give a "that's not fair" speech, but I didn't guilt trip him or anything. He said he'll drop by next weekend, and I really hope he does so..

 

Right response, "That sucks you have to work on Good Friday, especially after so much hard work done on your project. Well, we can postpone our dinner tradition with you for next week. Looking forward to it!"

 

Telling him how disappointed you were, or that's not fair, IS a guilt trip.

 

Glad you're doing counseling, it'll help you figure stuff out.

[hoping2heal]

Time to start listening to your son, Mom.

 

He is 25 years old and just like all the rest of us humans he will make mistakes and live to learn from them. I know it is natural for you to want to protect your son, but the reality is that it is not fair to deny him of the experience that is living life. Learn to enjoy the time you have with your son and stay out his personal life (unless otherwise extended a personal invitation). You cannot control him and the more you try to do the more he will pull away, as he already has done. Be a mother, not a smother!