My only son is becoming distant

[hyrule]

Thanks for everyone who shared opinions here.

 

I was posting as soon as I was receiving them, so I was kinda angry for not reading what I wanted to read, and I'm sorry for being like this.

 

I told my husband about this post and he agreed with all of you, then he said I should just read the opinions and sleep over to digest them. It's what I did.

 

I understand that my son is now a grown man and he doesn't need me. I can't stop feeling, though, he's becoming even more distant and I don't want this to happen. He doesn't need to live nearby but at least visit once in a while without me having to telling him I miss him.

 

I'm sorry but I think it's gonna take a while until your son wants to visit you again. You scolded him in front of his girlfriend and, yes, threw a tantrum like a little kid because he wanted to do something you didn't want him to.

 

Give him space and don't annoy him. One day he'll come back, but don't try to force him to.

 

Also, he has told us he wants to propose to his girlfriend and they are planning to marry in 2016 or most likely 2017 (so they would have more money saved, our economy is a mess but they're doing fine), when they are both 28/27.

Even though I want him to have a family (and of course, provide me grandkids lol), I thought it would be best for him to focus on himself, study more, get more comfortable fincancially before thinking about marriage. I have absolutely NOTHING against the girl before anyone there start talking about me being jealous. She has a very pretty story and went through a lot in her life, I really admire her. Of course we have our differences, but who doesn't?

 

Anyway, I voiced this with my son and he didn't agree with me. He says he's doing fine with his job, happy where he's settled and has known/dated this girl for quite some time, so he says he's pretty sure he wants to marry her.

 

Again, I know he's a grown man and responsible for his own actions, but I can't stop feeling this is somewhat a mistake and I don't know what can I do to make him see that.

 

Anyone there went through anything of the kind?

 

Please state your reasons about why you think it is a mistake. 27 years old is not too young and not too old to settle down. I'm 25 and will soon marry my fiancé (who will be 27 by the day).

 

And since he already has a job he likes, and so does his girlfriend, what's the problem?

 

Something tells me you are just creating issues because you don't want to lose your "little boy" to another woman...

[rester]

I'm sure his life would be better here, he works with IT and we live near a city that is like 'Sillicon Valley' for our contry, he would find so much better oportunities here. His girlfriend also works with IT so it would be a plus for them to move.

 

I get that I can't have a say on where he or his girlfriend lives, but what's wrong on me trying to convince him? I'm his mother and I want the best for him.

 

I really don't mean any harm, I just want what's best for both of us!

 

You're going to drive him away with this "his life would be better here" crap. I'm not kidding. The more you try to convince him of that the more he's going to want to take a stand with his independence and be his own adult and make his own decisions. He's 25 years old! I'm sorry, but you need to let this go and learn to live your own life. He'll visit when he wants to, but if you try to guilt trip him, or tell him he's making bad decisions or that his life would be better somewhere else, all you are doing is disapproving of his decisions and he will want to visit less and less and resent you more and more. He needs support and understanding, not convincing that his choices are wrong.

 

I'm speaking as a man that moved far away from my parents over 20 years ago. My siblings did the same.

[Thicke2013]

I'm sure his life would be better here, he works with IT and we live near a city that is like 'Sillicon Valley' for our contry, he would find so much better oportunities here. His girlfriend also works with IT so it would be a plus for them to move.

 

I get that I can't have a say on where he or his girlfriend lives, but what's wrong on me trying to convince him? I'm his mother and I want the best for him.

 

I really don't mean any harm, I just want what's best for both of us!

 

I'm not blaming on the girl, she has no fault on anything, and is a really nice girl. I hold nothing against her.

 

I guess you and everyone else are right that I push him too hard, but I can't help it!

 

I miss him and want the best for him, I can't just watch him throw his life away

 

 

OP you really need to take a step back and look at the big picture here. We as parents always have a view of what our kids success looks like and most times our view differs from theirs. Ultimately it is their lives to live. I hate to be blunt but you seem to be a bit overbearing and that is most likely the reason that your son does not want to move closer to you. He came home at Christmas and you chastised him for wanting to go to an event rather than stay and spend time with you only. That reinforced to him that if he lived close you would be even more overbearing.

 

 

I believe that your intentions are pure, but you need to back off some. Look at it this way. It seems you have raised a smart, self sufficient, and responsible young man. From what I can tell, he has a good head on his shoulders. Be proud of that. Tell him that you are proud of him. You can let him know that there are good opportunities where you live for him but don't push him because you think it would make his life better. My parents haven't always agreed with my decisions whether with my career or relationships or even finances, but I can sit here today and say I am the happiest I have ever been. Maybe just be happy that he is happy and living the life that he wants even if it doesn't match up perfectly with what you want or envisioned. It could be worse. He could be 25 and living in your basement and not have a job or education. Good luck OP.

[eye of the storm]

He will always be your son. But, if you don't knock off the "I know what is best" and "he is making a mistake" attitude, you will lose the relationship.

 

I love my mom, but I censor everything I tell her. Because she always thinks she knows more and still has the right to tell me what to do. There is a distance with her.

 

My son is going to school a long ways away from me. His dad is constantly telling him to come home and that he doesn't like the GF because she is making him want to stay there and blah blah blah. My son gets frustrated with his dad because he can no longer visit him and feel good. He is starting to distance himself from his dad.

 

When my son talks to me about things. Even if I am not happy with his choices, I let him know I support him. I let him know my feelings but then I affirm that he is an adult and I support him. We discuss the pros and cons of his decisions. Which allows him to make his own decisions, and I can make sure he has looked at it from all angles. But the decision is all his. We are closer than ever because he knows that I support him.

 

I raised a good son, smart, focused, honest, and strong. Sounds like you did too. Part of being a parent is knowing that you did your job right if they are independent. It means you gave them good tools to survive.

 

From a parent of an independent son and a child of an interfering mother, If you want a good relationship with your son, call and apologize for your behavior. Tell him you support him and his decisions. And then do it. Back off, keep you opinions to yourself unless he asks for them. And you and your husband understand that you are dealing with empty nest syndrome and it is your issue to deal with not your son's.

 

Good luck! I hope it works out.

[anika99]

Thanks for everyone who shared opinions here.

 

I was posting as soon as I was receiving them, so I was kinda angry for not reading what I wanted to read, and I'm sorry for being like this.

 

I told my husband about this post and he agreed with all of you, then he said I should just read the opinions and sleep over to digest them. It's what I did.

 

I understand that my son is now a grown man and he doesn't need me. I can't stop feeling, though, he's becoming even more distant and I don't want this to happen. He doesn't need to live nearby but at least visit once in a while without me having to telling him I miss him.

 

Also, he has told us he wants to propose to his girlfriend and they are planning to marry in 2016 or most likely 2017 (so they would have more money saved, our economy is a mess but they're doing fine), when they are both 28/27.

Even though I want him to have a family (and of course, provide me grandkids lol), I thought it would be best for him to focus on himself, study more, get more comfortable fincancially before thinking about marriage. I have absolutely NOTHING against the girl before anyone there start talking about me being jealous. She has a very pretty story and went through a lot in her life, I really admire her. Of course we have our differences, but who doesn't?

 

Anyway, I voiced this with my son and he didn't agree with me. He says he's doing fine with his job, happy where he's settled and has known/dated this girl for quite some time, so he says he's pretty sure he wants to marry her.

 

Again, I know he's a grown man and responsible for his own actions, but I can't stop feeling this is somewhat a mistake and I don't know what can I do to make him see that.

 

Anyone there went through anything of the kind?

 

 

You are not digesting what people are saying. You say you are but then you come back with this post stating even more reasons why you don't trust your son to make his own decisions.

 

 

Yes I have been through this. My oldest son decided to marry at age 20 and I was horrified. He wasn't stable, didn't make a good income and just seemed too immature to get married. On top of that I didn't think his gf was any better and I thought it was a disaster in the making. However he didn't live at home and I knew I couldn't stop him so they got married. Shortly after marriage his wife became pregnant and I thought for sure they weren't prepared to start having kids. My son stepped up and became a responsible husband, a good provider and a loving father to his son. 2 more babies came along. Ten years have gone by and my son is still meeting his responsibilities and being a good husband and dad. It hasn't been easy on him but he is so happy having his little family and being a dad. It's not the life I would have chosen for him but I don't get to pick his life, just like my parents couldn't pick my life, and if my son is happy then what more could I want?

 

 

I'm sorry but your son doesn't sound like an idiot to me. He has graduated college, he has a nice gf and they are planning their future in a responsible way. He's not eloping and he hasn't gotten his gf pregnant, so what is the big deal that he wants to marry at 28? You treat him as if he doesn't have 2 brain cells to rub together. Has he ever been able to tell you anything about what he is doing or what his plans are and have you just be happy and joyful for him? It sounds like you find fault in everything he wants. No wonder he is distancing himself from you.

 

 

After all the posts here telling you that you need to let your son live his life and trust his choices you ended this post by saying his decision to marry is a mistake and asking how you can make him see that. OMG, you are just not getting it. It's like you are determined to push him away.

You don't know that his life would be way better if he moved home. It doesn't matter what the job opportunities are where you live because there is more to life than work. He has told you he is happy where he is so why can't you be happy for him. Maybe having a great job close to his controlling parents sounds like misery to your son. Just back off of him and stop criticizing and controlling him. He is never going to want to visit you or move back as long as his parents are treating him like a bloody useless idiot.

[kylle]

You sound really like my mother...and it's funny, I had a fight with my mother for a very similar reason on x-mas and I also ended up leaving her house one day earlier. I would think you're her if I didn't knew my mother can't speak English and she doesn't like my fiancé, lol.

 

Listen, I see exactly what is like from your son's perspective: you're treating him like a baby when he's really 25 years old, with a job, a girlfriend and a life he enjoys living.

 

Why do you have to change his happiness just to make you happy? This is really selfish of you, no wonder he doesn't visit.

I don't go see my parents very often because of my mother, who is exactly like you. She disaproves every decision I make, and I end up feeling useless and with a sensation that she doesn't like MY LIFE.

 

My mother doesn't make things any easier, she is always saying stuff like: "Well, if you're happy, what can I do?". Do you see it? Sarcasm all over it.

 

IMO, you're trying to live your life through your son, disaproving all of his decisions and making him feel unhappy unless he does what you tell him. After all, did you raise him to be obedient or to be independent?

 

Sorry but if I was him, I wouldn't move a meter closer to you, imagine living in a closer city. I bet you would show up unannounced, try to reorganize his home, check the freezer to see what he's eating and demand he comes back home every weekend because he's closer.

 

God help him, this is no way to live.

[whichwayisup]

Again, I know he's a grown man and responsible for his own actions, but I can't stop feeling this is somewhat a mistake and I don't know what can I do to make him see that

 

If it's a mistake and they end up divorcing, then you be supportive and help him through it. Until then, what he does is his decision.

 

He isn't looking to be parented anymore, he's grown up. Have faith and trust in him, you taught him well. Now, let him live his life. You and your husband have to rebuild a new relationship with him as an adult not as parents. yes you'll always be his parents but the dynamic of you telling him what to do and trying to enforce what you think he should do has to end, otherwise he'll distance himself from you more and more.

 

Tell him that it's just hard to let go but you're working on it and for him to allow you (and your husband) to show him that things will change. That you want the best for him.

[pteromom]

He very seldom visits us, stating that whenever he comes, we overbear him and try to control him. While I agree that we can be needy, we only do that because we love him and don't want him to get hurt or anything of the kind.

 

Instead of telling him WHY you do it, why not acknowledge to him that it is a problem and tell him you are going to work very hard NOT to do it, and that you realize it is causing a distance between you, and you don't want that to happen.

 

He wanted to go with his friends and his girlfriend to visit an exposition near our city (which would end soon) on his last day here. I lost my nerves and got really angry with him and ended up exploding and scolding him because he prefered going to see this thing instead of staying with us parents who he barely sees.

 

No. You handled this wrong. You should have smiled, told him to have a good time, and that you would see him when he gets back tonight and he could tell you about his day. Then wished him well.

 

He's an adult. He has choices. If you want one of his choices to be YOU, then you need to make sure his time with you is enjoyable - so he WANTS to see you.

 

He ended up leaving a day earlier with his girlfriend. He told me I offended him and didn't need to act that way, that I snapped with his girlfriend who had nothing to do with the subject, and now he's very distant.

 

Call him and sincerely apologize. Tell him you are still struggling with going from a parent-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship with him, but that you want to try. Invite him and his girlfriend to visit and promise there will be no drama. Keep that promise. Instead of thinking of him as your son, focus on thinking of him as a peer. Talk to him as you would another guest in your home.

 

Of course I shouldn't have gotten mad but I don't think he should be giving us this kind of treatment.

 

His treatment is a direct response to your anger. Would YOU want to go visit someone who snapped at you and laid guilt trips on you if you wanted to spend some time with friends? I sure wouldn't.

 

Look for some books on parenting an adult child and learn some new ways to interact with him and make him bond to you in a new way. He's a man now and he wants to be treated like one - that's all. He will come back if you can change the way you behave toward him.

[daisy101]

I will try me best not to cross boundaries with him, it's really difficult because he was always a really obedient boy and I think I kinda got used to him doing what he has been told to do by us parents.

 

The marriage problem is not that I don't trust the girl, is that they want to elope and then have a small party with only closer realtives in both sides of the family after their honeymoon.

I made a mistake of dreaming about his wedding even since he was little...we are catholic (altough my son doesn't care for religion), and I always pictured I would see my child get married in church. I know I shouldn't have expected too much, but I'm not forcing wedding conditions or anything on him, it just makes me sad...

 

This empty nest thing hurts so bad I don't know what to do...

[eye of the storm]

Daisy101, It sounds like you and your husband raised your son to be an amazing adult.

 

You taught him to be financially responsible. A big church wedding can cost thousands and thousands of dollars. He and his GF have decided to spend the money on more important things than a party. That is smart.

 

You taught him to be independent. To stand on his own two feet.

 

You gave him the tools he needed to know that a degree and a job are important.

 

He found love with a woman that is trying to be a partner with him.

 

You and your husband raised an outstanding young man. Don't undo all the work you did because now you want him back under foot.

 

Get a hobby, get a pet, volunteer with kids (schools would love someone to come in and help with reading)

 

And BTW, pat yourself on the back for doing such a great job raising him. So many kids his age are living in their parents house, no job, no degree, no desire to do anything but suck off their parents.

[daisy101]

Daisy101, It sounds like you and your husband raised your son to be an amazing adult.

 

You taught him to be financially responsible. A big church wedding can cost thousands and thousands of dollars. He and his GF have decided to spend the money on more important things than a party. That is smart.

 

You taught him to be independent. To stand on his own two feet.

 

You gave him the tools he needed to know that a degree and a job are important.

 

He found love with a woman that is trying to be a partner with him.

 

You and your husband raised an outstanding young man. Don't undo all the work you did because now you want him back under foot.

 

Get a hobby, get a pet, volunteer with kids (schools would love someone to come in and help with reading)

 

And BTW, pat yourself on the back for doing such a great job raising him. So many kids his age are living in their parents house, no job, no degree, no desire to do anything but suck off their parents.

 

I guess you are right, even though we wouldn't care at all to provide for him, he chose to work and earn his money by himself since the first day he went to college. We told him he did not need to, and he should focus on his studies but at the end he learned a lot and got a ton of experience. He has a good job he likes and we are very proud of him.

 

It just hurts that I have to accept the idea of him living so far from me and I won't be able to visit whenever I want to hug him.

 

I really do want him to move closer, but I understand that I cannot try to persuade him.

 

I hope I can count on you guys for helping me with this empty nest thing

[Rainbowlove]

I feel your pain.

 

My boy is only 4, but I know the day will come when he will grow and make a life of his own.

 

It's funny, I ask him if he's always going to love me? He says, momma, I'm going to marry you.

 

We do all we can for our babies. We sacrifice everything for their life to be easier and better than ours.

 

You have done that for your boy. He's a man. This life is his. He was never yours to keep. You know this.

 

For now, less is more. Let go a little. You are his mom. You are the woman who fed him, cradled him, wiped his tears, tucked him in, kissed him goodnight...he won't forget you.

 

He just needs to find out who he is and build his life. Your life mistakes were your lessons, his will be his.

 

He will return to you. If you keep it cool, relaxed and give him unconditional love, he will return to you.

 

And if he has his own babies, you will probably be the one he calls first. Don't panic. Let him lead this next chapter of his life. He'll be back.

 

Trust. Love. Live. Learn.

[elaine567]

Can you and your husband not go visit your son.

I don't mean for weeks on end, but take a holiday in that area, stay in a hotel and pop in to see him, go out for dinner perhaps and spend some time with him and his gf that is not on your territory and lay off the "parent" stuff. His dad could do some male bonding one to one maybe, and you could take his gf shopping or out for some pampering.

Enjoy the time together as opposed to it being a fight for control. He can show you his life there and you can be part of it too.

Instead of just being seen as the interfering parents who demand he comes home to see them all the time.

[whichwayisup]

I will try me best not to cross boundaries with him, it's really difficult because he was always a really obedient boy and I think I kinda got used to him doing what he has been told to do by us parents.

 

And now you have to trust his abilities to make good choices for himself. At 25, he doesn't have to 'obey' you like he was when he was a child. He works and provides for himself. He's a good and hard working person.

The marriage problem is not that I don't trust the girl, is that they want to elope and then have a small party with only closer realtives in both sides of the family after their honeymoon.

I made a mistake of dreaming about his wedding even since he was little...we are catholic (altough my son doesn't care for religion), and I always pictured I would see my child get married in church. I know I shouldn't have expected too much, but I'm not forcing wedding conditions or anything on him, it just makes me sad...

 

This empty nest thing hurts so bad I don't know what to do...

 

His wedding is about him and bride, nobody else. What really counts is, how you interact with him once he's married and how you rebuild a great relationship with him so you can be involved more when they have children.

 

Don't judge him, love him and support whatever they decide (where they get married) and just try to be happy for him.

 

I mean, I doubt you wanted to mold yourself a certain way to please your parents when you were younger and starting out your life. Think back...

 

Get busy, volunteer somewhere. You could even get a student or two to live at your house from another country, provide for them and make some money as well.

[daisy101]

Can you and your husband not go visit your son.

I don't mean for weeks on end, but take a holiday in that area, stay in a hotel and pop in to see him, go out for dinner perhaps and spend some time with him and his gf that is not on your territory and lay off the "parent" stuff. His dad could do some male bonding one to one maybe, and you could take his gf shopping or out for some pampering.

Enjoy the time together as opposed to it being a fight for control. He can show you his life there and you can be part of it too.

Instead of just being seen as the interfering parents who demand he comes home to see them all the time.

 

We used to visit him a lot when he was still in college. However, I think we might have crossed some boundaries with him and he got kinda angry with our attitude.

He has asked a lot of times for us to come but not to mention/try to interfere with anything in his house for that is how he likes to keep it. But I confess I haven't even tried last time...I entered his house and started pointing out spots that need more cleaning and reorganizing. I couldn't resist and took a broom and started sweeping around.

I guess we may have annoyed him so I feel like I should just give him some space now.

 

By the way, his house wasn't even dirty or anything...I guess it was some of my damned personality that "made" me want to be in control of his house.

 

But yes, we do visit him from time to time and we spend a lot of great time with his gf and her family as well, they are all awesome people.

[daisy101]

And now you have to trust his abilities to make good choices for himself. At 25, he doesn't have to 'obey' you like he was when he was a child. He works and provides for himself. He's a good and hard working person.

 

 

His wedding is about him and bride, nobody else. What really counts is, how you interact with him once he's married and how you rebuild a great relationship with him so you can be involved more when they have children.

 

Don't judge him, love him and support whatever they decide (where they get married) and just try to be happy for him.

 

I mean, I doubt you wanted to mold yourself a certain way to please your parents when you were younger and starting out your life. Think back...

 

I don't judge him or anything...it just makes me sad that he didn't took family into consideration. I get that is his and her gf thing and we have to accept it, but it's just how I was raised. I've always put my parents opinion before me, and I was unconsciously expecting him to do the same, and I am wrong.

 

Get busy, volunteer somewhere. You could even get a student or two to live at your house from another country, provide for them and make some money as well.

 

I work full time as a elementary school teacher, and my husband is an accountant, we have our hobbies and interests, we keep our mind occupied very much...

 

About the students, I don't think it would be possible. Our city is very small and even some high school students go study in nearby cities because there's a lack of schools here.

Anyway, it would be good.

[pteromom]

I will try me best not to cross boundaries with him, it's really difficult because he was always a really obedient boy and I think I kinda got used to him doing what he has been told to do by us parents.

 

If he was always obedient, then you should know you did a good job and he will continue to do what he is supposed to do as an adult.

 

The marriage problem is not that I don't trust the girl, is that they want to elope and then have a small party with only closer realtives in both sides of the family after their honeymoon.

I made a mistake of dreaming about his wedding even since he was little...we are catholic (altough my son doesn't care for religion), and I always pictured I would see my child get married in church. I know I shouldn't have expected too much, but I'm not forcing wedding conditions or anything on him, it just makes me sad...

 

It's ok to be sad. But this is his wedding, and it's about HIS (and his fiance's) dreams for it. Take a deep breath, be happy that you are invited to the wedding, and go there as a GUEST - not a coordinator. Practice biting your tongue, saying "How beautiful. You look wonderful. This is perfect." and do not bring any guilt to lay onto him about YOUR dream wedding for him.

 

This empty nest thing hurts so bad I don't know what to do...

 

You need to take your desire to parent and use it in another way. Fostering children? Fostering pets? Volunteering at a shelter? Tutoring? Teaching a class? That energy needs to find somewhere to go outside of your son.

[pteromom]

He has asked a lot of times for us to come but not to mention/try to interfere with anything in his house for that is how he likes to keep it. But I confess I haven't even tried last time...I entered his house and started pointing out spots that need more cleaning and reorganizing. I couldn't resist and took a broom and started sweeping around.

 

By the way, his house wasn't even dirty or anything...I guess it was some of my damned personality that "made" me want to be in control of his house.

 

You need to get control of this behavior now. You think you are sad now - wait until he has children and only wants to see you on holidays because you try to tell them how to parent.

 

You have to realize that your need to control his choices stem from your own insecurity. You are taking his choice to do things DIFFERENTLY than you taught him as a direct criticism of you. So your automatic reaction is to go into a defensive mode and do things your way - or criticize his way.

 

The way you are toward him now is going to directly influence the kind of relationship his new family has with you. If you want them to want to live close by and have weekly family dinners and that sort of thing, you have to make your energy a joy to be around. Supportive, kind, complimentary, and strong.

[rester]

We used to visit him a lot when he was still in college. However, I think we might have crossed some boundaries with him and he got kinda angry with our attitude.

He has asked a lot of times for us to come but not to mention/try to interfere with anything in his house for that is how he likes to keep it. But I confess I haven't even tried last time...I entered his house and started pointing out spots that need more cleaning and reorganizing. I couldn't resist and took a broom and started sweeping around.

I guess we may have annoyed him so I feel like I should just give him some space now.

 

By the way, his house wasn't even dirty or anything...I guess it was some of my damned personality that "made" me want to be in control of his house.

 

But yes, we do visit him from time to time and we spend a lot of great time with his gf and her family as well, they are all awesome people.

 

The above bolded was painful to read. You sound just like my mother, and I'll tell you what...I only see her once a year now for a few days and prefer she never visits. It makes me very sad, but she has never been able to let me make my own decisions without either explicitly telling me they are wrong, or passive-aggressively implying that they are wrong. My house is not what she wanted, my relationships are not what she wanted, my career is not what she wanted, my house is not clean enough, I "should" do this and "should" do that, etc. I'm almost 40 years old. She knows very little of what goes on in my life because I know how critical she can be. We talk about the weather mostly. I wish things were different between us but my siblings all had to move away as well. I don't have children, but I have three nieces and two nephews and they rarely see their grandparents these days. Please don't let this happen to you.

[Shepp]

If he was always obedient, then you should know you did a good job and he will continue to do what he is supposed to do as an adult.

 

It's ok to be sad. But this is his wedding, and it's about HIS (and his fiance's) dreams for it. Take a deep breath, be happy that you are invited to the wedding, and go there as a GUEST - not a coordinator. Practice biting your tongue, saying "How beautiful. You look wonderful. This is perfect." and do not bring any guilt to lay onto him about YOUR dream wedding for him.

 

You need to take your desire to parent and use it in another way. Fostering children? Fostering pets? Volunteering at a shelter? Tutoring? Teaching a class? That energy needs to find somewhere to go outside of your son.

 

^ All of this!!

 

HIS wedding. You had your own wedding to plan how you like, not HIS wedding!

HIS life. You had your own life to live how you like, not HIS life!

[autumnnight]

I've always put my parents opinion before me, and I was unconsciously expecting him to do the same, and I am wrong.

 

You are right. This is EXTREMELY unhealthy and manipulative thinking.

 

Your CAN change your thinking and habits.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

As a parent you need to let go sometime. He's 25 and capable of making his own choices in life which I'm sure you'd want him to do.

 

Have you apologised for scolding him? Plus doing it when his gf was there doesn't show any respect for him.

 

I have to say when I was around that age and my mom annoyed and tried to scold me when I visited home, it really made me mad.

 

It's one thing being scolded when you live at home, but once you've moved out. ...its a big no no. Like your son I used to leave earlier than planned as did my brother when she did this. When I look back on it, a lot of time I she got annoyed because we wanted to catch up with old friends, go partying and stuff and she felt we weren't spending enough time with her. In fact at a point we stopped saying how long we planned to stay, just in case she was annoying so we would just leave earlier than planned to save arguments.

 

 

The point is, your son is young. He's enjoying life. You can't live it for him and if you continue to be overbearing he'll be resentful and have no desire to live near you. Sometimes I look back on those times and I do think how my mom must have felt, because she was looking forward to us coming home and we probably spent much of the time out or chilling.

 

You really should do your own thing and enjoy life now he's left home. He doesn't need to go on vacation with you at this age unless he wants to. His gf will find that stifling.

[daisy101]

You are right. This is EXTREMELY unhealthy and manipulative thinking.

 

Your CAN change your thinking and habits.

 

I'm trying really hard, it is just how I was raised. I had an extremely strict father and a submissive mother.

 

I felt like I owe them all the respect and if I somehow make a decision they disagree, I must not go on with it. It took me a long time to stand up for myself.

[daisy101]

OP

 

As a parent you need to let go sometime. He's 25 and capable of making his own choices in life which I'm sure you'd want him to do.

 

Have you apologised for scolding him? Plus doing it when his gf was there doesn't show any respect for him.

 

I did apologize but he's still resentful. It's gonna be 2 months since I last saw him, and he still hasn't shown any desire to visit us. I'm really sad by this.

 

There will be a holiday next week in our country and I was hoping he would come by, but I guess he won't.

 

I'm not pushing him to come or anything, haven't even mentioned the holiday. I'm just saying this here.

 

I have to say when I was around that age and my mom annoyed and tried to scold me when I visited home, it really made me mad.

 

It's one thing being scolded when you live at home, but once you've moved out. ...its a big no no. Like your son I used to leave earlier than planned as did my brother when she did this. When I look back on it, a lot of time I she got annoyed because we wanted to catch up with old friends, go partying and stuff and she felt we weren't spending enough time with her. In fact at a point we stopped saying how long we planned to stay, just in case she was annoying so we would just leave earlier than planned to save arguments.

 

 

The point is, your son is young. He's enjoying life. You can't live it for him and if you continue to be overbearing he'll be resentful and have no desire to live near you. Sometimes I look back on those times and I do think how my mom must have felt, because she was looking forward to us coming home and we probably spent much of the time out or chilling.

 

You really should do your own thing and enjoy life now he's left home. He doesn't need to go on vacation with you at this age unless he wants to. His gf will find that stifling.

 

I am enjoying everything I can, doing things with my hubby and keeping busy, but I can't help feeling that my son has somewhat abandoned us.

 

I wish I could participate in his life more, do more things with him and his fiancé...

 

He recently told us he and his fiancé were getting ready to move in together, and when I asked where to (he lives in small apartment, couldn't accomodate them both), he said he didn't know yet.

 

But my husband said he called him and told him about 2 apartments he and his fiancé were checking out.

My hubby said he told him not to tell me because I would only put my nose in and criticize his choices.

 

I don't know what to do anymore.

[pteromom]

I wish I could participate in his life more, do more things with him and his fiancé...

 

...

My hubby said he told him not to tell me because I would only put my nose in and criticize his choices.

 

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

This is a huge wakeup call for you.

 

You said you had a hard time learning to stand up to your own parents because they were strict, and you are wishing that same lesson onto your son.

 

You may have already apologized to him, but you need to do so in a way that shows you "get it".

 

Write him a heartfelt letter. In the letter, include:

 

- a sincere apology

- an outline of the things you've done wrong

- how your actions must have been affecting him

- a request to please "start over" in your adult child/parent relationship

- a promise to do your best to do better and respect him and his choices as an adult

- instructions for him to call you out if he sees you reverting to controlling/intrusive behavior

 

You can repair this. It will take strength and a lot of tongue-biting, but you can do it.