Author nikki76 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Nikki, See what your actions have caused? I know you feel "proud" that you ended the affair without getting caught....but look at what your life has become because of your actions? Could you imagine all the other men you had affairs with coming forward right now and playing these same games as the MM? Is cheating really worth all this angst? I hope you are working on why you cheat, because if you don't figure that out and fix it, this is just a speed bump on your journey of infidelity. Stop obsessing on what the MM is doing. Focus on yourself, your marriage and your kids. Find something healthy for you to do so you can stop all this anxiety. I do believe the MM will EVENTUALLY tell your H that you & he had sex. He wants to brag to your H about it. Be prepared for this. I have done healthy things for myself. But I know, I need to stop focusing on what mm is doing and why. I had one other affair, with a man that doesnt even live in my state. We never even told each other our real names or city we live in. That affair is the last thing on my mind. Im in therapy and trying to figure out why I had these affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Yes, you ended you affair and went NC, but this guy is still a fixture in your life. To answer your question, it was stated in another thread that the Betraryed sometimes use the children as a means to hurt the WS. I'm not trying to be an a$$ here, but let's objectively state the facts. You had an affair with his friend; you ended the affair, but still allowed this guy to stay in your lives and flaunt it in front of your husband; and you're in marriage counseling knowing that you have a bigger issue that you are not bringing up. Once your husband realizes all the these things, the amount of resentment he will have will probably cause him to do unrealistic things. I asked this question before and I was serious when I asked it. Is there a possibility that your husband can get violent here. I know this isn't what you want to hear or think about, but these situations do happen. Nikki, if you don't want to to confess, then that's on you, but I do think that you need to start preparing for the possibility that your husband will find out about this. Im not saying that he definitely will, but with each thread you create, this is looking like it's going to happen. Do you have some type of plan in place? If not, then I would start formulating one. Yes, I could almost guarantee that my H would get extremely violent towards me and /or mm. No, I dont have a plan if it is revealed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Then this other guy is a real sick puppy. Somehow in his distorted mind he thinks that pestering you to continue contact with him will make you not confess. You are betting a lot on his fear of your husband because if he ever gets a guilty conscience and confesses your husbands anger will be directed at you. There is something wrong with this guy. It is bizarre that he does not want sex with you yet insists on staying secretly in your life in a manner that is totally scummy to your husband. As far as why I say your MC is an idiot. You are being advised to continue to live in lies and deceit so that you do not have to have any consequences of your actions. So in essence you have gotten away with it for now which means you can surely get away with it again . So you are being advised to not address any problems in your relationship that caused you to cross this line and to also keep the person who you made vows to clueless. You are hearing what you want to hear from MC. But you are not hearing how to truly reform a loving relationship with your husband which is based on something called Truth. I agree with your first two paragraphs. My therapist does think the best thing would be for me to confess, but because she knows I wont, she respects that and wont "make me". However, she did say shes going to push me to my limits during MC and make it be known to my H that my problems are deeper then just needing a hug and some attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Yes Its exausting. I dont sleep well.. its frustrating because I dont understand why he just wont leave us alone. If someone went NC with me, I would take that hint amd stay far away. Unfortunately, he is not you. His pride and ego has been hurt but his side piece (how dare you!!) And if it's going to "end" it's going to end on "his" terms not yours. These are what psycho horror flicks are made of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I have to disagree with you. Nobody ownes me. I can pretty much bet that he wont confess. If anything, he's the one that should be ****ting bricks right now, he has no idea if i would confess or not. But yes, they do have a relationship and by going off of everyone's advice, this is my mistake, and there's nothing I can do, if I'm not going to confess. As far as my multiple affairs, i wish I never had any affair, and especially one so close to my everyday life. But I cant change that. All I know is that I will never have another one again. I was absolutely out of my mind. And thank goodness, I got myself out of that madness, with the help of some great people on this forum. He owns you, it is as clear as day. If he is not testing the waters with your H he is sending clear messages to you. He is taunting you. He has tried messaging/talking to you and you have refused so he needs to find other means to "send you a message" It is a game. Perhaps if you are not ready/willing to confess you should play. How well do you know his wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 He owns you, it is as clear as day. If he is not testing the waters with your H he is sending clear messages to you. He is taunting you. He has tried messaging/talking to you and you have refused so he needs to find other means to "send you a message" It is a game. Perhaps if you are not ready/willing to confess you should play. How well do you know his wife? Obviously I wouldn't consider myself a friend to her anymore, but it wouldnt be out of the ordinary if I called her up and asked to go to lunch with her. What are you suggesting that I might do? Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 He owns you, it is as clear as day. If he is not testing the waters with your H he is sending clear messages to you. He is taunting you. He has tried messaging/talking to you and you have refused so he needs to find other means to "send you a message" It is a game. Perhaps if you are not ready/willing to confess you should play. How well do you know his wife? I know exactly where you are going with this and I would say that that would be the quickest way for her to get busted. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 He owns you, it is as clear as day. If he is not testing the waters with your H he is sending clear messages to you. He is taunting you. He has tried messaging/talking to you and you have refused so he needs to find other means to "send you a message" It is a game. Perhaps if you are not ready/willing to confess you should play. How well do you know his wife?[/QUOTE] I was just about to write that I agree with Mal78's first post that this is just him testing the waters with your H. He wants to make sure he and your H are still "cool." As long as your H still taking his calls and making plans, OM knows H knows nothing. Then this most recent post from Mal came in, which is precisely what I was going to add. Maybe time to call the W for a lunch date? Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Obviously I wouldn't consider myself a friend to her anymore, but it wouldnt be out of the ordinary if I called her up and asked to go to lunch with her. What are you suggesting that I might do? I'm not sure, as I would not suggest hurting his wife any further but you want your AP to stop.... He is contacting your H... becoming buddy buddy perhaps you could play too. However, I more imagined it to be a double date or dinner date with both couples so your AP can see you are not messing around. Focus on his wife... watch him squirm. However, is this remotely realistic? You might only need to put the pressure on for a "couples date" and he might get the hint. He, right now is calling your bluff. Up the anti. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 I'm not sure, as I would not suggest hurting his wife any further but you want your AP to stop.... He is contacting your H... becoming buddy buddy perhaps you could play too. However, I more imagined it to be a double date or dinner date with both couples so your AP can see you are not messing around. Focus on his wife... watch him squirm. However, is this remotely realistic? You might only need to put the pressure on for a "couples date" and he might get the hint. He, right now is calling your bluff. Up the anti. As much as I would LOVE to watch him squirm, I dont know if I could do this. I would be dying inside, knowing what I did to these two innocent people. And I wonder if mm sick, twisted thinking would lead him to believe the only reason I planned for the double date, was just for an excuse to see him. I will keep this in mind though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I'm not sure, as I would not suggest hurting his wife any further but you want your AP to stop.... He is contacting your H... becoming buddy buddy perhaps you could play too. However, I more imagined it to be a double date or dinner date with both couples so your AP can see you are not messing around. Focus on his wife... watch him squirm. However, is this remotely realistic? You might only need to put the pressure on for a "couples date" and he might get the hint. He, right now is calling your bluff. Up the anti. Not only is that dangerous, it's flat out wrong. Using both BSs as pawns? I'm almost positive Nikki's counselor would tell her not to do this. Not only does it increase there chances of getting caught, if the affair is ever revealed, the fall out will be a heck of a lot worse. I hate bringing it up, but if Nikki feels the need to take it that far, then maybe she should just confess. Nikki please do not play this guys game. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 If I wasnt done with the affair, I wouldn't be in NC mode. How is having the OM in your house, having a conversation with him and your BH, being NC with the OM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 How is having the OM in your house, having a conversation with him and your BH, being NC with the OM? They are friends. He was in my house picking up some tools. He showed up unexpectedly. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, my H and OM walk in the kitchen and H says " (name) is here to pick up some tools. I just about fell over. They were having a conversation for a few minutes, which involved me too. It was only a matter of a few minues. After that, i went upstairs and waited until he left the house. He text me a few times after. But I havent responded. What was I supposed to do? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 They are friends. He was in my house picking up some tools. He showed up unexpectedly. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, my H and OM walk in the kitchen and H says " (name) is here to pick up some tools. I just about fell over. They were having a conversation for a few minutes, which involved me too. It was only a matter of a few minues. After that, i went upstairs and waited until he left the house. He text me a few times after. But I havent responded. What was I supposed to do? DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew he used the cover story to see you. What you do not comprehend is that you are not in NC with the OM. OM is playing games and will continue to play because he knows you will not out him to your BH. The truth will set you free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew he used the cover story to see you. What you do not comprehend is that you are not in NC with the OM. OM is playing games and will continue to play because he knows you will not out him to your BH. The truth will set you free. Maybe Im not understanding you. But im am in NC. I have him blocked. I cant stop him from being friends with my H unless he knows the truth. I haven't had contact with him in almost 2 months, except the few minutes at my house. Edited February 7, 2015 by nikki76 edit Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Yes Its exausting. I dont sleep well This is cause for serious concern. Your emotional health is suffering. Your mental health is suffering. Your physical health is suffering. All this negative energy is going to eventually cause your health to fail. How long can you continue in this toxicity? No relationships in your life will ever be well, if you are not well. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Maybe Im not understanding you. But im am in NC. I have him blocked. I cant stop him from being friends with my H unless he knows the truth. I haven't had contact with him in almost 2 months, except the few minutes at my house. As soon as the words if, almost, but, nearly, ninety nine percent, are used to describe NC you do not have NC. You are not reaching out to the OM. Though that is good. That is not NC because the OM is still breaking NC. You say you love your BH. Yet you let the OM pretend to be your BH's friend after he banged you. You are letting the OM get jollies at your BH by him rubbing the fact that hey I banged your wife and you are too stupid to realize it, and your WW will not do anything to stop me from abusing her BH. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 As soon as the words if, almost, but, nearly, ninety nine percent, are used to describe NC you do not have NC. You are not reaching out to the OM. Though that is good. That is not NC because the OM is still breaking NC. You say you love your BH. Yet you let the OM pretend to be your BH's friend after he banged you. You are letting the OM get jollies at your BH by him rubbing the fact that hey I banged your wife and you are too stupid to realize it, and your WW will not do anything to stop me from abusing her BH. I agree with this, but Nikki isn't strong enough to deal with this. I just fear that this will all come out and it will mean the absolute end of her relationship with her husband. She knows how to stop OM, she doesn't really want to. I believe in part because she sees OM invading their life as being about her, when its really about OM and her BH. Yes OM is rubbing it in BH face with the help of Nikki. This allowance is as bad as the affair itself. Honestly she may as well still be sleeping with the guy. Nikki, I hope your taking the classes and preparing yourself for life as a single mother. I don't say this to be mean, I actually think your a nice woman who has gotten herself into a situation you can't handle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 OMG. No one "owns" you (eyeroll). Ridiculous. You make your own choices. Your choice not to tell your H is YOUR choice and no one else's. There are upsides and downsides to each choice, which I am sure you heard throughout the many pages of this thread. So that is your choice. I think that in your situation I would just ignore OM. If he were going to tell your H, it seems he would have already done so. He just seems to be trying to get some kind of response from you. Give him none. It's over and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) OMG. No one "owns" you (eyeroll). Ridiculous. You make your own choices. Your choice not to tell your H is YOUR choice and no one else's. There are upsides and downsides to each choice, which I am sure you heard throughout the many pages of this thread. So that is your choice. I think that in your situation I would just ignore OM. If he were going to tell your H, it seems he would have already done so. He just seems to be trying to get some kind of response from you. Give him none. It's over and move on. No, OM has a great deal of power in her marriage, and she continues to hand him more. Get a reaction? Or consume her mind? He owns her thoughts, he controls a great deal of her fate as a married woman and he is flexing his muscle. She can take it back. I have made suggestions to her as to how that doesn't include confession. She will do none of it because she enjoys what she sees as attention. Moving on isn't an option when you turn into your kitchen and there stands your affair partner laughing and pating your husband on the back. Eating lunch and having beers with him. Texting, calling and staying in contact with her husband. Nikki is naive to believe this is his way of getting her attention. Nor is this something a paranoid man would do. This is all about control, he has it and Nikki handed it to him. Edited February 8, 2015 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts