xAP just emailed me (Updated)

[nikki76]

Okay, he emailed you. Why did you open and read the email? If you were in TRUE NC, you would have just deleted it. You wouldn't have cared at all what the email had said. Fact is, you got curious and of course opened it. He was fishing and expects you'll answer him because it's about something so trivial. DO NOT reply. Delete it and block him.

 

As for telling/not telling, you're afraid you will lose the life you have with your husband and family, everybody gets that but the thing is, there's a pretty good chance your H will find out because your MM has a huge ego and thinks your H is a dummy, so he'll continue to play games right under your H's nose until he figures it out or MM actually lets it slip on purpose.

 

To be honest, it was 4am....I saw his name on my phone. Didn't know what it was. I was halfway sleeping. Sure, I was curious as to what he had to say. As soon as I saw a picture of a light fixture, I knew exactly what his intentions were.

 

I just deleted and blocked his email.

[sandylee1]

Pass the message onto your H. tell him ex-AP emailed you in error, obviously.... could he handle the question, please?

 

Thanks.

 

Really though- it's slowly getting to a point where I think the truth will out. It's getting riskier and riskier.

 

You really DO need to think about pre-emptive action, in case of a major bust-up and fall-out.

 

never say never.

I believe this is only a matter of time.

 

And him sending your H a letter about "we must touch base again soon" is just a way of poking you and keeping you fearful, and telling you "I'm not going away any time soon, you know.... still here, still lurking... ..."

 

Delete the email, then block him.

[Popsicle]

Is he married? You could respond by ignoring him and texting his W, saying that you two need to catch up.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Popsicle

[bathtub-row]

Don't get me started on people having affairs where friends are involved. That's just bad news all the way around. And then he emails your husband, like nothing is wrong. This is so awful of him on so many levels. I'm curious about how you could be attracted to a creep who does something like that.

 

If I were you, I would not respond to his email. If he intends to blackmail you, there's only so much you can do about it. No point in letting this fear control what you do.

[jellybean89]

Something sounds weird.

 

Who checks their email at 3/4 am when they are going to the bathroom?

 

Did you really 'forget' to block his email? Don't have to answer you - you need to answer within yourself.

 

Deleting and blocking is good -- now just try to 'think' if you have really blocked him everywhere.

 

And why are you stalking his FB? That isn't NC.

[nikki76]

Don't get me started on people having affairs where friends are involved. That's just bad news all the way around. And then he emails your husband, like nothing is wrong. This is so awful of him on so many levels. I'm curious about how you could be attracted to a creep who does something like that.

 

If I were you, I would not respond to his email. If he intends to blackmail you, there's only so much you can do about it. No point in letting this fear control what you do.

 

I know its bad news. Believe me, this is the biggest regret I have in my life. I didnt see what a creep he was until I got myself out of the situation. He called my H today to "catch up".

 

I deleted his email and blocked his email address.

[GoldieLox]

 

I just deleted and blocked his email.

 

Good. I'm a late-comer on this thread apparently but I do hope that he now has no other way to contact you. I also know you're dead set against confessing, and in the end, it's up to nobody but yourself. I just hope your xMM doesn't get a big head and let his ego take over and "slip up". Talk about an utter disaster.

[bathtub-row]

I dont find anyones words too harsh. We all need tha tough love which is why we post here, or at least why I do.

I just feel like im being pushed backwards. Like my last four weeks have meant nothing. Thats its not good enough because I havent confessed.

 

But this is very common in affairs. I know we all like to think each instance is so different, so unique. But it's really the same old stuff over and over again. You screw around, you break up, you hear from him again, it sends you in orbit...blah, blah, blah.

 

And I agree with you about not telling your husband. People are constantly saying that stuff but, the truth is, all it does is get it off your chest and break your spouse's heart. Hopefully, your ex will keep his mouth shut.

[nikki76]

Something sounds weird.

 

Who checks their email at 3/4 am when they are going to the bathroom?

 

Did you really 'forget' to block his email? Don't have to answer you - you need to answer within yourself.

 

Deleting and blocking is good -- now just try to 'think' if you have really blocked him everywhere.

 

And why are you stalking his FB? That isn't NC.

 

Whoa wait a minute....Something sounds weird? Hmmmm.

I keep my phone on my pillow because H works overnight. If I ever need to quickly use my phone, its right by my side. I saw it blinking so I checked what it was.

 

If I went to all the measures to block EVERY THING, why would I "leave something out" on purpose? If I wasnt in this NC 100% , I wouldve responded back to his email. But I didnt. I forgot he even had my email. It was 9 months ago when he emailed me.

 

Who said anything about stalking Facebook? I havent done that since NC. I mentioned that he posted something on my H Facebook and I was TEMPTED to look at his, but AGAIN, I'm inthe NC , for good.

[Mal78]

I'm always torn on weither or not WSs should come clean. I wonder, for my self all these years later would it have made a difference (I'm BS). Honestly, 20 years later I feel it would have. Although I am no longer feeling he would do this to me ever again I am still torn up about it. I think about it (still) almost daily and I have nightmares about it from time to time....20 years later!!!

 

I will NEVER be over it. I know I will die never being over it. He isn't tormented by it in the least because he confessed. The truth has set him free. Has found peace in his confession and vowed to recommit to me. There is nothing more to tell, lie about or keep secret about and because it's been so long I don't have even him to talk to about it. Its not like I can say, "So you know when you f*cked C & T all those years ago...."? He would get angry that I'm still holding on to that even though we have had 4 children since then, we bought a house, established a life, gotten ahead as a family and I'm still dwelling on something that is long past. "Haven't I proven enough that I'm here for you"?

 

A few years ago T friend requested me. I accepted, she commented and liked a few things then unfriended me. She just wanted to see where our life was at (perhaps). I couldn't even tell my WH as he would see it as unhealthy to accept her friend request. I half hoped she would say, hey I appoligise it was a long time ago, I was stupid and I wish you all the best. Nope... nothing.

 

So, I can't say 100% that exposing truth is the best option for the BS.

[nikki76]

I'm always torn on weither or not WSs should come clean. I wonder, for my self all these years later would it have made a difference (I'm BS). Honestly, 20 years later I feel it would have. Although I am no longer feeling he would do this to me ever again I am still torn up about it. I think about it (still) almost daily and I have nightmares about it from time to time....20 years later!!!

 

I will NEVER be over it. I know I will die never being over it. He isn't tormented by it in the least because he confessed. The truth has set him free. Has found peace in his confession and vowed to recommit to me. There is nothing more to tell, lie about or keep secret about and because it's been so long I don't have even him to talk to about it. Its not like I can say, "So you know when you f*cked C & T all those years ago...."? He would get angry that I'm still holding on to that even though we have had 4 children since then, we bought a house, established a life, gotten ahead as a family and I'm still dwelling on something that is long past. "Haven't I proven enough that I'm here for you"?

 

A few years ago T friend requested me. I accepted, she commented and liked a few things then unfriended me. She just wanted to see where our life was at (perhaps). I couldn't even tell my WH as he would see it as unhealthy to accept her friend request. I half hoped she would say, hey I appoligise it was a long time ago, I was stupid and I wish you all the best. Nope... nothing.

 

So, I can't say 100% that exposing truth is the best option for the BS.

 

Thank you for sharing this. I can't imagine having to deal with your pain for 20 years. That is so heartbreaking.

[bathtub-row]

I'm always torn on weither or not WSs should come clean. I wonder, for my self all these years later would it have made a difference (I'm BS). Honestly, 20 years later I feel it would have. Although I am no longer feeling he would do this to me ever again I am still torn up about it. I think about it (still) almost daily and I have nightmares about it from time to time....20 years later!!!

 

I will NEVER be over it. I know I will die never being over it. He isn't tormented by it in the least because he confessed. The truth has set him free. Has found peace in his confession and vowed to recommit to me. There is nothing more to tell, lie about or keep secret about and because it's been so long I don't have even him to talk to about it. Its not like I can say, "So you know when you f*cked C & T all those years ago...."? He would get angry that I'm still holding on to that even though we have had 4 children since then, we bought a house, established a life, gotten ahead as a family and I'm still dwelling on something that is long past. "Haven't I proven enough that I'm here for you"?

 

A few years ago T friend requested me. I accepted, she commented and liked a few things then unfriended me. She just wanted to see where our life was at (perhaps). I couldn't even tell my WH as he would see it as unhealthy to accept her friend request. I half hoped she would say, hey I appoligise it was a long time ago, I was stupid and I wish you all the best. Nope... nothing.

 

So, I can't say 100% that exposing truth is the best option for the BS.

 

This is exactly why I tell people it's a bad idea to tell the truth about an affair. Revealing that fact is extremely hurtful and it can never be taken back or undone. The WS just needs to decide if they're going to stay faithful from that point on or not, and then leave it alone.

 

I'm really sorry for how it has affected you, Mal. I hope you'll be able to let it go and find some peace. I'm sure you matter more to your husband than you know.

[jbrent890]

This is exactly why I tell people it's a bad idea to tell the truth about an affair. Revealing that fact is extremely hurtful and it can never be taken back or undone. The WS just needs to decide if they're going to stay faithful from that point on or not, and then leave it alone.

 

I'm really sorry for how it has affected you, Mal. I hope you'll be able to let it go and find some peace. I'm sure you matter more to your husband than you know.

 

I think your opinion would hold weight if everybody reacted the same way to finding out someone cheated on them. Some people bounce back and some don't. Deep down Mal is probably one of those people that would not have wanted know if she was cheated on. The fact of the matter is that most people want to know the truth of their lives. Yes, being cheated on sucks. But if I found that I was constantly tortuing myself because I stayed with that partner, then I would leave. Making a unilateral decision about someone else's life is not right. Also, if you think confessing hurts the individul, imagine how hurt they would feel if they found out from other means, especially years later when they have more invested in the relationship. Confession doesn't hurt an individual. The fact that their partner cheated does.

[Mal78]

This is exactly why I tell people it's a bad idea to tell the truth about an affair. Revealing that fact is extremely hurtful and it can never be taken back or undone. The WS just needs to decide if they're going to stay faithful from that point on or not, and then leave it alone.

 

I'm really sorry for how it has affected you, Mal. I hope you'll be able to let it go and find some peace. I'm sure you matter more to your husband than you know.

 

Thanks, I go through waves of if he really wanted to be with me or he got the sh*tty end of the stick. This past year has been particularly hard as I have *really* questioned his love (not commitment). I went through turmoil and despair partly because he has very little interest in sex. Nothing has changed, it just been my thoughts/feelings and perhaps my libido. I am in IC.

 

He could go forever w/o sex. He will not initiate (this bothers me and questions things more). I try and 8/10 he rejects for whatever reason. This then brings me back to past issues ie. The affair(s) (it might have been a threesome, all I know is he had sex with my good friend and her friend/roommate).

 

So, vicious circles that by me not knowing could have saved me so much grief over the years.

[Poppy47]

This is exactly why I tell people it's a bad idea to tell the truth about an affair. Revealing that fact is extremely hurtful and it can never be taken back or undone. The WS just needs to decide if they're going to stay faithful from that point on or not, and then leave it alone.

 

I'm really sorry for how it has affected you, Mal. I hope you'll be able to let it go and find some peace. I'm sure you matter more to your husband than you know.

I agree with that.

It might ease somebody's conscience but it could destroy the recipient of the confession.

If you do the crime... do the time. Have it on your conscience and live with it forever. Karma.

Poppy

[jbrent890]

I agree with that.

It might ease somebody's conscience but it could destroy the recipient of the confession.

If you do the crime... do the time. Have it on your conscience and live with it forever. Karma.

Poppy

 

There is a forum in the infedility that talks about this. I suggest you two post opinions there about it because it could use this difference of opinion. None the less, that whole "living with the grief" thing is not a punishment or consequnce. To be honest, I can only imagine the amount of relief that a person feels when someone tells them not to confess. Why? Because they got what they wanted. They got to screw someone else and their partner not finding out about it. For me, my wife confessing would not have destroyed me. What has upset me is finding out two years later and not by confession. Like I said, some people are resilient and some aren't, but I do know most people want to know the truth of their lives. I'm not saying this to sound mean, but somebody pointed it out in the other thread. Waywards and OW/M really don't grasp that it's lying on top of the cheating that does people in. It's really easy for you to say not to confess because you are not on the receiving end. At the end of the day, it's the betrayed choice to decide if they want stay.

[DKT3]

What's funny is a lot of WS's talk about how confessing only "HURTS" the BS, that's total crap. Most BS's want, no they need that truth. Its like that Sam Smith song "you say I'm crazy that's because you don't think I know what you've done" most BS's have that gut feeling.

 

Just like the affair was selfish, allowing the BS to live a lie is selfish. And yes its a lie.

 

Lovin once asked me if she had confessed would I have divorced her still, and my honest answer was "I don't know, I just wish you had trusted me enough to give me that chance"

[Hope Shimmers]

What's funny is a lot of WS's talk about how confessing only "HURTS" the BS, that's total crap. Most BS's want, no they need that truth. Its like that Sam Smith song "you say I'm crazy that's because you don't think I know what you've done" most BS's have that gut feeling.

 

Just like the affair was selfish, allowing the BS to live a lie is selfish. And yes its a lie.

 

Lovin once asked me if she had confessed would I have divorced her still, and my honest answer was "I don't know, I just wish you had trusted me enough to give me that chance"

 

That may have been the right decision for you, but not for everyone. I wish people would stop pushing it on EVERYONE just because it was right for THEM.

 

My ex-MM's wife DID NOT WANT TO KNOW and she made that clear. He told her anyway, but she kept saying she didn't want to know, and she had made a big procedure of ignoring things. That was what she wanted and how she wanted to live. So I believe the default should protect those who do not want to know - and there are more people like that than you think as most of them aren't on this forum - because you can't take it back once they know.

[DKT3]

That may have been the right decision for you, but not for everyone. I wish people would stop pushing it on EVERYONE just because it was right for THEM.

 

My ex-MM's wife DID NOT WANT TO KNOW and she made that clear. He told her anyway, but she kept saying she didn't want to know, and she had made a big procedure of ignoring things. That was what she wanted and how she wanted to live. So I believe the default should protect those who do not want to know - and there are more people like that than you think as most of them aren't on this forum - because you can't take it back once they know.

 

Well, how do you know if you don't tell them? That makes no sense.

[jbrent890]

Guys we have literally jacked this woman's thread. Like I said, there is a forum in the infedility that focuses on this. I think it would be best if this subject was moved over there.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, how do you know if you don't tell them? That makes no sense.

 

It makes every bit of sense. You don't tell them because you can't know, and you can't go backward. It's like capital punishment for an innocent victim.

[DKT3]

Guys we have literally jacked this woman's thread. Like I said, there is a forum in the infedility that focuses on this. I think it would be best if this subject was moved over there.

 

She actually said in the OP that had she confessed she wouldn't be in this position so we are still on topic.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm so mad at myself! !! The ONE thing I forgot to block. ...my email. We only communicated this way one time. ..... didn't even remember that until now! !!!

 

I wake up to use the bathroom (tmi) and see I have an email from him. Thought i was dreaming, or more like having a nightmare.

 

He emailed me asking a question regarding a light fixture he's looking for.

 

This is how our whole A started. He was doing the electric work in our kitchen remodel. H showed no interest and of course xap stepped right in. We would always joke about

light fixtures after that. ( I know, not funny at all now)

 

Saturday will be 4 weeks NC. My H and I are in such a good place. Of course, I can't get him off my mind. ... but damn it. I didn't think I would ever see his name in an email.

 

Do I respond professionally, answer his question, then block?

 

He texted my H yesterday, asking how he is and saying they need to catch up, it's been awhile. My H hasnt called him yet.

 

This is proof that total confession of the A would not have me in this position right now. But im still not going to.

 

Not really sure what my point is. My heart sank when I saw his email. My first reaction was to respond. Thank goodness, I took a few breaths and decided to post on here instead.

 

Is this his manipulative way of trying to lure me in again? Sorry buddy. Not going to happen.

 

This makes me so angry at myself and at him. He knows in the past that I always cave when he would break NC.

 

To answer your question... yes, it's his manipulative way of trying to lure you in again. I hope you resisted responding.

[Friskyone4u]

You said it correctly. If you had confessed to your husband you would not be this position. Well, he will continue to "fish" for more sex from you and because you have had no real consequences you will eventually give in.

 

And when you husband does find out the problem you have now will make his one look small.

 

You should not answer him at all but you will. We all what will happen here .

[DKT3]

It makes every bit of sense. You don't tell them because you can't know, and you can't go backward. It's like capital punishment for an innocent victim.

 

There is nothing innocent about cheating.

 

The foundation of what your saying is flawed. What if they would want to know, most BS here wanted to know, and we wanted to know from our WS. Not from someone else or through investigating.

 

Its my right to know who I'm having sex with, and what risks they have created for me.