xAP just emailed me (Updated)

[jbrent890]

Again. You. Don't. Know. That!

 

If you have data that says otherwise then please share it. But you DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE BETRAYED SPOUSE WANTS TO KNOW. You just know what YOU want to know. That means exactly NOTHING in relation to anyone else except YOU.

 

Next time DKT just say most instead. Yes Hope, there are people out there that would not want to know if they were cheated on. However, I can reference 5 other sites like this off the top of my head filled with people that would want to know. People do not want to invest their time, energy, and resources into someone that doesn't appreciate them. But I already know what you are going to say "these sites are biased, blah, blah." The fact is the majority of people find out their spouses are cheating do so by investigating. What does that tell you? That they want to know. Here's a suggestion Hope, Google "would you want to know if you were cheated on" and see what you find. If it helps you out, I did so before posting. The vast majority of people, especially men wanted to know.

[Hope Shimmers]

Next time DKT just say most instead. Yes Hope, there are people out there that would not want to know if they were cheated on. However, I can reference 5 other sites like this off the top of my head filled with people that would want to know. People do not want to invest their time, energy, and resources into someone that doesn't appreciate them. But I already know what you are going to say "these sites are biased, blah, blah." The fact is the majority of people find out their spouses are cheating do so by investigating. What does that tell you? That they want to know. Here's a suggestion Hope, Google "would you want to know if you were cheated on" and see what you find. If it helps you out, I did so before posting. The vast majority of people, especially men wanted to know.

 

He didn't say "most" just for this reason - to antagonize me.

 

Of course online sites are filled with people who would want to know. That's why people gravitate to such sites - they want to know. They represent a very, very small fraction of all people in the world or this country (US) who are in an affair.

 

"Google searches" don't constitute proof for me (or anyone else who has any actual research training at all).

 

Maybe you are right. I think to some level we are both right, which would be proven by the data if we could get to it.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[Clay]

I am normally one of the people that think you should confess but clearly from all the other post you do not plan on doing that. That is your choice. I don't agree with the thinking but it still is your choice. My argument for confessing so you can fix your marriage not end your marriage. Sure you might think some BS's just want you to burn in hell for what you have done. I think for me its so you can get back on the same level with your marriage that you started off with. Its also so you can help yourself be a healthy person. Ill stop at that point.

 

I think now you need to prepare your self for the day this all comes out. It might never come out if the OM would just step out of the picture but it sounds like he does not have any plans on doing that. I think this might have been your undoing in this mess. You picked a man that was friends with your H. It looks like with the way he is coming around and taunting you its clear he wants to push you. He still gets the thrill of putting it in your H's face like you once did. He will probably brag about it to friends of your H. He probably really wants to get caught. Some where in his mind he thinks once your kicked out he will have his chances with you. I think you better prepare yourself mentally for this day to come.

 

I would consider going and talking to a attorney just so you know your rights. Not so you can file or anything but so you can establish what your rights are when this all comes to light. I would also recommend you get into counseling if you are not already there. If you do really want to save your marriage this will help you start to see things more clearly and might lesson the damage to yourself.

 

The other thing you need to understand just because you get a divorce does not mean you can't be a good mother to your kids. Your not really replaced unless you really want to be. My xW is a cheater and she never learned. She walked away from her kids and continues to do damage to them. You don't have to be that person you can still have a loving relationship with your kids.

 

How do you know your husband will divorce you. Most bs cower and stay with the WS. Your chances are good if it comes out your husband will want to save the marriage.

 

I am not basing any of this off facts theses are just my experiences from suffering first hand and reading these sites.

 

Clay

[HereNorThere]

You not telling your husband while simultaneously allowing to believe this person is his friend really makes it seem like you enjoy humiliating him. Your threads seem trend towards liking the thrill of making him a cuckold.

 

It seems like OM is such a lose cannon, he'll eventually let cat out of the bag. I think the chances of getting busted are a little higher than you think.

 

Like,

Getting busted by his own wife

Busting her and using his affair as revenge

Electronic evidence (never really goes away)

Drugs, alcohol, surgical anesthesia, psychosis

OM Getting into an unrelated disagreement with your H and using it as revenge

Other friends he could have possible bragged to

Sleeptalking

Undiagnosed sexually transmitted diseases

Religious/deathbed confessions

Discovery/witnesses by a 3rd party

[nikki76]

I had a 9 month A with my H friend, of which 6 months of it was an EA. The A was never revealed.

 

I went NC, cold turkey, in December. He texted and emailed me a few times. He came to my house to pick up tools a few weeks after NC. Emailed me after that again. I figured out how to filter his emails directly to the delete file, ive blocked him from my Facebook. Only thing left is block my number but the only way i can is through my phone company.

 

Anyway, he keeps texting,/calling my H. Everyday since last Thursday. Basically, to shoot the ****. Arranged for lunch Wed, xAP blew him off, then rescheduled for today, again, blew him off and rescheduled for sometime next week. He's been commenting on my H Facebook posts (he's never done this. I cant see, because he's blocked, but my H responds back to him, thats how I know). Hes definitely making more contact with H more than he has since the summer.

 

My therapist said I should send him an email and tell him he needs to back off from me and my family and leave us alone. I dont know what to do.

I do know I'm NOT confessing. Its my choice and I dont need to defend myself for choosing that.

I dont think he's coming around because he wants to confess. He was always the paranoid one. I dont know what his intentions are.

 

Part of me wants to email like my therapist suggested. The other part of me doesn't, because I feel like if I do, I'm making contact with him, and I dont want to appear weak to him. Maybe if I jusy dont say anything, eventually, he'll back off.

He was friends with H way before I came around. I dont even know if he'll respect my request. Do I just deal with knowning that he'll probably always be in our lives and just avoid him??

 

I have absolutely no intention of wanting to go back to that toxic place. Just want to get advice on what to do.

[whichwayisup]

He is messing with you on purpose by being more attentive to your husband on and offline. He is more or less saying 'screw you, see I can shove your H's face in a pile of shi.t, treat him like a big fool and there's nothing you can do about it because you won't tell him the truth.' He is NO friend at all to your husband, it's a game and you're allowing it.

 

Eventually your husband will find out another way, sooner or later. I hope you confess because this will come back and bite you.

[Sassy Girl]

What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

You keep going around in the same old circles because nothing changes.

 

He's messing with you. Because he can. Throwing you off balance. Because he can. He knows you're not going to tell, so as long as nothing changes, then yeah, these are the consequences. At least until it starts getting so weird it heightens your husband's spidey senses and he starts to pay more attention.

 

 

There is a way to change it, but you don't want to confess, so this is what you've got.

[Lurkeraspect]

I had a 9 month A with my H friend, of which 6 months of it was an EA. The A was never revealed.

 

I went NC, cold turkey, in December. He texted and emailed me a few times. He came to my house to pick up tools a few weeks after NC. Emailed me after that again. I figured out how to filter his emails directly to the delete file, ive blocked him from my Facebook. Only thing left is block my number but the only way i can is through my phone company.

 

Anyway, he keeps texting,/calling my H. Everyday since last Thursday. Basically, to shoot the ****. Arranged for lunch Wed, xAP blew him off, then rescheduled for today, again, blew him off and rescheduled for sometime next week. He's been commenting on my H Facebook posts (he's never done this. I cant see, because he's blocked, but my H responds back to him, thats how I know). Hes definitely making more contact with H more than he has since the summer.

 

My therapist said I should send him an email and tell him he needs to back off from me and my family and leave us alone. I dont know what to do.

I do know I'm NOT confessing. Its my choice and I dont need to defend myself for choosing that.

I dont think he's coming around because he wants to confess. He was always the paranoid one. I dont know what his intentions are.

 

Part of me wants to email like my therapist suggested. The other part of me doesn't, because I feel like if I do, I'm making contact with him, and I dont want to appear weak to him. Maybe if I jusy dont say anything, eventually, he'll back off.

He was friends with H way before I came around. I dont even know if he'll respect my request. Do I just deal with knowning that he'll probably always be in our lives and just avoid him??

 

I have absolutely no intention of wanting to go back to that toxic place. Just want to get advice on what to do.

 

I'm not sure what you can do. He's friends with your husband, they have a relationship. Outside of confessing (which you're not doing) there isn't much more you can do, beside sit back and wait for the **** to hit the fan. You've given all your power away to another person. He owns you.

 

None of us can fix this for you.

 

You seem to have had multiple affairs while married. Best I can surmise; when you are next intrigued to step out on your husband, do it with a man who isn't enmeshed in your daily life.

 

Beyond being honest, you're stuck in the drama. Your choice at this point.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[jbrent890]

I think 90% of the people on this thread are going to tell you the exact same thing. It's funny, I mentioned this on another thread, but when Wayards and Betrayed say the exact same thing, maybe that is the path you should take. I'm not going to tell you to confess because it gets me nowhere with you. I will say that emailing this guy won't do anything. He will probably give you some bullsh*t excuse about just wanting to hang out with your husband. I will also say that your fear of being replaced as a wife and mother will come into fruition if you keep playing this game. I told you this guy was going to escalate things with your husband. This ain't going to let up. I know you don't like me or my posts, but I think that you can agree that I predicted everything this guy will do up to this point. This guy is going ruin you by doing something that gives it away to your husband. My guess is that he will ask a lot of questions about you and your marriage.

[BeatsByDirk]

Do you like playing with fire?

If you know absolutely he wouldn't expose the affair then I think there's a play you can make.

If you told your husband he but on you a few months back and you turned him down. He was worried you were going to say something but you told him you aren't a Spiteful person and didn't see any reason to further jeopardize his relationship with your Husband.

Go on to say that after this he took this a a a sign of either being into it or a pushover and started putting the full court press on you.

Say you think he might be having a mid life crisis and if your husband wants to support him go ahead but at this point you need to not see this guy for a while because it's just getting annoying.

I think that would work if you can sell it but you have to be sure dude will stay quiet about everything!

Good luck

[Sassy Girl]

You've given all your power away to another person. He owns you.

 

 

Quoted for truth.

[Mal78]

DO NOT EMAIL HIM!

 

By doing so you are leaving yourself open to his bull.

 

By being in constant contact with your H he is assuring himself that "things are still good". He does not intend on a closer friendship. Unless he is a sociopath (which he could be) he really doesn't want to hang out with your H given he slept with you, his wife.

 

However, have you thought/considered that by constantly rescheduling their lunch dates he is just trying to "build up his nerves" to spill to your H?

 

The only reason why I don't think that's it is because he wouldn't be liking/commenting on your H's Facebook. That, to me just says he is testing the waters. Seeing where things are at. Or, like I mentioned.... He is a sociopath and gets off on this crap.... who knows? Either way don't feed into it.

[nikki76]

I'm not sure what you can do. He's friends with your husband, they have a relationship. Outside of confessing (which you're not doing) there isn't much more you can do, beside sit back and wait for the **** to hit the fan. You've given all your power away to another person. He owns you.

 

None of us can fix this for you.

 

You seem to have had multiple affairs while married. Best I can surmise; when you are next intrigued to step out on your husband, do it with a man who isn't enmeshed in your daily life.

 

Beyond being honest, you're stuck in the drama. Your choice at this point.

 

I have to disagree with you. Nobody ownes me. I can pretty much bet that he wont confess. If anything, he's the one that should be ****ting bricks right now, he has no idea if i would confess or not.

 

But yes, they do have a relationship and by going off of everyone's advice, this is my mistake, and there's nothing I can do, if I'm not going to confess.

 

As far as my multiple affairs, i wish I never had any affair, and especially one so close to my everyday life. But I cant change that. All I know is that I will never have another one again. I was absolutely out of my mind. And thank goodness, I got myself out of that madness, with the help of some great people on this forum.

[nikki76]

I think 90% of the people on this thread are going to tell you the exact same thing. It's funny, I mentioned this on another thread, but when Wayards and Betrayed say the exact same thing, maybe that is the path you should take. I'm not going to tell you to confess because it gets me nowhere with you. I will say that emailing this guy won't do anything. He will probably give you some bullsh*t excuse about just wanting to hang out with your husband. I will also say that your fear of being replaced as a wife and mother will come into fruition if you keep playing this game. I told you this guy was going to escalate things with your husband. This ain't going to let up. I know you don't like me or my posts, but I think that you can agree that I predicted everything this guy will do up to this point. This guy is going ruin you by doing something that gives it away to your husband. My guess is that he will ask a lot of questions about you and your marriage.

 

I know that confessing would be the right thing to do, but we all know, I'm not going to. I cant possibly be the only one thats never confessed. But.... I'm not talking about that anymore, like you said, it wont get us anywhere.

 

You are 110% right, he would feed me some bull crap line if I contact him. So I will not make any contact.

 

But question, you said my fear of being replaced will come into fruition if I keep playing these games. What games am I playing? I'm not being a smartass, I honestly dont think im playing any games. Ive cut him off and have made no contact. Isnt that what I'm supposed to do?

[Sassy Girl]

I know that confessing would be the right thing to do, but we all know, I'm not going to. I cant possibly be the only one thats never confessed. But.... I'm not talking about that anymore, like you said, it wont get us anywhere.

 

You are 110% right, he would feed me some bull crap line if I contact him. So I will not make any contact.

 

But question, you said my fear of being replaced will come into fruition if I keep playing these games. What games am I playing? I'm not being a smartass, I honestly dont think im playing any games. Ive cut him off and have made no contact. Isnt that what I'm supposed to do?

 

Stop obsessing over what he is or isn't doing.

 

Just out of curiosity, how are your anxiety levels at the moment? MM is being quite bold and unpredictable and seems to be escalating. That's got to be exhausting for you? I'm not being a smart arse, but what's come through in your last few posts is that you are stressing and worrying about what MM is doing and how you should react... Like it's a game. He even came into your kitchen and you stomped around and refused to look at him. Doesn't it get tiring watching your back and waiting for that shoe to drop? Are you sleeping ok?

Edited February 7, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[Friskyone4u]

You don't have to confess !! This guy you were screwing will take care of that for you. Right now he is making a last ditch effort to in a sense " blackmail" you into letting have sex with you again . Once he becomes absolutely convinced that will not happen he will get pissed at you and tell your husband for you . If he wanted to just make it all go away he would be leaving you alone, but he knows as long as your biggest fear is your husband finding out he has you in an of of sorts

You can't really do anything to stop his game. He probably will not listen to anything you ask him to do or not do or he would not be playing this game on the first place. Just more disrespect for your husband. Probably no one will tell you different except the idiot who is your therapist.

I hope you like that person because when your husband does find out you will become very good friends

[Biere123]

So is this guy texting you too? Are you responding to him?

[nikki76]

So is this guy texting you too? Are you responding to him?

 

He messaged me a few weeks ago. No i didnt respond.

[nikki76]

Stop obsessi. over what he is or isn't doing.

 

Just out of curiosity, how are your anxiety levels at the moment? MM is being quite bold and unpredictable and seems to be escalating. That's got to be exhausting for you? I'm not being a smart arse, but what's come through in your last few posts is that you are stressing and worrying about what MM is doing and how you should react... Like it's a game. He even came into your kitchen and you stomped around and refused to look at him. Doesn't it get tiring watching your back and waiting for that shoe to drop? Are you sleeping ok?

 

Yes Its exausting. I dont sleep well.. its frustrating because I dont understand why he just wont leave us alone. If someone went NC with me, I would take that hint amd stay far away.

[nikki76]

You don't have to confess !! This guy you were screwing will take care of that for you. Right now he is making a last ditch effort to in a sense " blackmail" you into letting have sex with you again . Once he becomes absolutely convinced that will not happen he will get pissed at you and tell your husband for you . If he wanted to just make it all go away he would be leaving you alone, but he knows as long as your biggest fear is your husband finding out he has you in an of of sorts

You can't really do anything to stop his game. He probably will not listen to anything you ask him to do or not do or he would not be playing this game on the first place. Just more disrespect for your husband. Probably no one will tell you different except the idiot who is your therapist.

I hope you like that person because when your husband does find out you will become very good friends

 

Why is my therapist an idiot?

 

He definitely isnt trying to sleep with me again..he wouldn't have sex with me during our last 6 months of the affair, he had every excuse in the book.

 

He's not going to confess. I think hes terrified for his life that I will. My H used to be a pretty well known cop in our city and still has many many friends here. If H were to find out, xap and I know, that we better watch out for our lives. During the A, I was so fd up in the fog, none of that mattered. If I wouldve been smart and thought about that, i would have stayed as far away from that situation as I could. But I wasn't , so here I am.

[Friskyone4u]

Then this other guy is a real sick puppy. Somehow in his distorted mind he thinks that pestering you to continue contact with him will make you not confess.

You are betting a lot on his fear of your husband because if he ever gets a guilty conscience and confesses your husbands anger will be directed at you.

 

There is something wrong with this guy. It is bizarre that he does not want sex with you yet insists on staying secretly in your life in a manner that is totally scummy to your husband.

 

As far as why I say your MC is an idiot. You are being advised to continue to live in lies and deceit so that you do not have to have any consequences of your actions. So in essence you have gotten away with it for now which means you can surely get away with it again . So you are being advised to not address any problems in your relationship that caused you to cross this line and to also keep the person who you made vows to clueless. You are hearing what you want to hear from MC. But you are not hearing how to truly reform a loving relationship with your husband which is based on something called Truth.

[devilish innocent]

I think because your ex-affair-partner hasn't been getting any response from you, he's moved on to your husband. He was thriving on the responses he got from you. When he saw that he wasn't going to get anymore, he went to the next best thing. By messing with your husband, he can at least feel as though he has some impact on your life. He also knows if you've told your husband or not.

 

I'd fear that any response you gave to his antics would only encourage him further. The only thing that I see stopping him is if you threatened to tell your husband. If you don't want to do that, then I'd probably not contact him at all. At least not without discussing these concerns with the therapist first.

[jellybean89]

Nikki,

 

See what your actions have caused? I know you feel "proud" that you ended the affair without getting caught....but look at what your life has become because of your actions? Could you imagine all the other men you had affairs with coming forward right now and playing these same games as the MM? Is cheating really worth all this angst?

 

I hope you are working on why you cheat, because if you don't figure that out and fix it, this is just a speed bump on your journey of infidelity.

 

Stop obsessing on what the MM is doing. Focus on yourself, your marriage and your kids. Find something healthy for you to do so you can stop all this anxiety. I do believe the MM will EVENTUALLY tell your H that you & he had sex. He wants to brag to your H about it. Be prepared for this.

[Sub]

I think we mentioned this in a previous thread. You're not disclosing. As long as you can persevere and move forward, these are the consequences, unfortunately. I wouldn't say a word to him.

[jbrent890]

I know that confessing would be the right thing to do, but we all know, I'm not going to. I cant possibly be the only one thats never confessed. But.... I'm not talking about that anymore, like you said, it wont get us anywhere.

 

You are 110% right, he would feed me some bull crap line if I contact him. So I will not make any contact.

 

But question, you said my fear of being replaced will come into fruition if I keep playing these games. What games am I playing? I'm not being a smartass, I honestly dont think im playing any games. Ive cut him off and have made no contact. Isnt that what I'm supposed to do?

 

Yes, you ended you affair and went NC, but this guy is still a fixture in your life. To answer your question, it was stated in another thread that the Betraryed sometimes use the children as a means to hurt the WS. I'm not trying to be an a$$ here, but let's objectively state the facts. You had an affair with his friend; you ended the affair, but still allowed this guy to stay in your lives and flaunt it in front of your husband; and you're in marriage counseling knowing that you have a bigger issue that you are not bringing up. Once your husband realizes all the these things, the amount of resentment he will have will probably cause him to do unrealistic things. I asked this question before and I was serious when I asked it. Is there a possibility that your husband can get violent here. I know this isn't what you want to hear or think about, but these situations do happen. Nikki, if you don't want to to confess, then that's on you, but I do think that you need to start preparing for the possibility that your husband will find out about this. Im not saying that he definitely will, but with each thread you create, this is looking like it's going to happen. Do you have some type of plan in place? If not, then I would start formulating one.