evanescentworld Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Ok, you're out of the fog, you realise the damage. You also see how this is turning out - not on your terms, and in a way you can't currently control. Nikki - Now what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Being on this forum has been a HUGE part of me not contacting him and keep it somewhat together. Im also in therapy. But she doesnt really like talking about the A, she focuses more on me and figuring out why i had the A. Yes, he's married with three kids, my kids ages. His wife is not there emotionally and physically . I know this is the truth. Hes been saying this for years to my H. I'm sure she has a good reason. Thank you for your input Do you know if you are his first/only AP? Is your H there for you emotionally and physically? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 What he is doing is rubbing it into your husband's face and you're letting him do it. Hoping he misses you is continuing your infidelity no matter how you slice it. You can get as angry as you please it's still your fault your life is what you made it. Wait until you see your husband's anger. Twosadthings Yup, this was a blatant and obvious move to shake things up, to make you feel uncomfortable and a huge ego feed for him. To show up at your house, flaunt it in your unsuspecting husbands face and make a total fool of him. Like, "if you only knew what your wife was up to behind your back..haha!" When you have a Dday, your husband will recall this particular day. And he'll be pissed about it as well as devastated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Do you know if you are his first/only AP? Is your H there for you emotionally and physically? Supposedly I am, but why should I believe that ? He doesnt show me love in ways that I want him to, like by complementing the way I look or holding my hand, the little things. He shows me by working hard and providing for me. I now realize this since ive been in therapy. I always took his lack of emotions as he didnt really love me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Ok, you're out of the fog, you realise the damage. You also see how this is turning out - not on your terms, and in a way you can't currently Cant control. Nikki - Now what? I dont know what to do. I know that I'm not going to confess. I have to be strong and not break NC. Continue therapy is huge. And keep on working to make my marriage and family better. i hope that as times goes by, xAP will back off. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I dont know what to do. I know that I'm not going to confess. I have to be strong and not break NC. Continue therapy is huge. And keep on working to make my marriage and family better. i hope that as times goes by, xAP will back off. Ignore him, Nikki. That's the best you can do now. No eye contact. If he comes by again, leave the room. Don't make small talk - just disappear. Do laundry or something somewhere else. Sounds like he has as much to lose as you if the affair comes to light. I think he's just busting your balls and hoping you'll reengage in the affair. Don't feed into it. Ignore him at all costs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Ignore him, Nikki. That's the best you can do now. No eye contact. If he comes by again, leave the room. Don't make small talk - just disappear. Do laundry or something somewhere else. Sounds like he has as much to lose as you if the affair comes to light. I think he's just busting your balls and hoping you'll reengage in the affair. Don't feed into it. Ignore him at all costs. Definitely will ignore him. I just hate that I cant get him out of my head. I'm not sad or missing him or wanting to get back into AT ALL. I just hate that no matter what I'm doing, my mind is consumed with him. Someone said , thats like as if I were still continuing in the affair. I just hope because its so new, thats why I cant get it off my mind. Im hope its like anything else in life, as time goes by, I wont even think about him anymore. Unless, of course someone finds out. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Definitely will ignore him. I just hate that I cant get him out of my head. I'm not sad or missing him or wanting to get back into AT ALL. I just hate that no matter what I'm doing, my mind is consumed with him. Someone said , thats like as if I were still continuing in the affair. I just hope because its so new, thats why I cant get it off my mind. Im hope its like anything else in life, as time goes by, I wont even think about him anymore. Unless, of course someone finds out. I'm going on 14 months of ending my affair and she is always on my mind; everyday. Somedays more than others. Somedays it hurts. Somedays it doesn't. It's a process. My fear is you'll never be able to let go bc you are holding onto a secret. That's my real fear for you. If it comes out, you have a true chance to heal from it. I think the secret will eat away at you slowly and hinder any real chance at healing; even self forgiveness is at risk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 I'm going on 14 months of ending my affair and she is always on my mind; everyday. Somedays more than others. Somedays it hurts. Somedays it doesn't. It's a process. My fear is you'll never be able to let go bc you are holding onto a secret. That's my real fear for you. If it comes out, you have a true chance to heal from it. I think the secret will eat away at you slowly and hinder any real chance at healing; even self forgiveness is at risk. Wow, 14 months ago. Was your A exposed? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Wow, 14 months ago. Was your A exposed? Yes, I was honest with my wife about my feelings for OW before it became a PA. I also moved out of my house while I explored those feelings. It was a long two year process, but there was no deception. Don't get me wrong, it has become easier for me, but there are still hard days. There has been a lot of emotional trauma in my marriage and within myself, so it's a process to heal and move through it all. It takes as long as it takes in my book. I'm in no hurry to get over it all. There was many layers of hurt to deal with and in some ways, there still is. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Nikki I told you this guy was only going up his game. He does not care and he will be the reason you get busted. At this point it is almost like you are waiting to get caught. You said that you're worried about what your children will think about you if you confessed. What do you think is going to happen if you get caught? Your husband will have absolutely nothing nice to say about you for the rest of his days. Not only has this situation gotten out of control, it is flat out sad. I know you don't want to hear this, but letting this guy rub it in your husband's face that he screwed you is all kinds of wrong. And I'm going to level with you again, this is only going to get worse. Pretty soon he is going to push to start hanging out with your husband again and they will. This guy is a few rounds short of a full clip. He thinks he is invincible and he is going to keep flirting with danger. At this point Nikki, I am honestly am terrified for you. You have let this gone to far. Is your husband a violent man? I am worried what will happen when your husband finds out from other means that not only did this guy screw you, you let him rub it in his face. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think you guys should leave Nikki alone about confessing. Its simply not in her no matter how it will reduce her chances to move forward, away from this affair and towards a better marriage. Nikki I don't want to sound like an a$$ but I think part of you enjoy the fact that OM has engaged with your husband more, it feeds your ego because in your mind he is doing it because you stopped talking to him. You have no issues manipulating your husband, so you could manipulate him into thinking OM makes you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. Thus making your husband have limited contact. I'm just not convinced you don't like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think you guys should leave Nikki alone about confessing. Its simply not in her no matter how it will reduce her chances to move forward, away from this affair and towards a better marriage. Nikki I don't want to sound like an a$$ but I think part of you enjoy the fact that OM has engaged with your husband more, it feeds your ego because in your mind he is doing it because you stopped talking to him. You have no issues manipulating your husband, so you could manipulate him into thinking OM makes you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. Thus making your husband have limited contact. I'm just not convinced you don't like this. I agree with this 100%. What's sad is that I don't see divorce as the reasonable outcome to this anymore. In fact, I see this ending violently. And the only person who is going to suffer the most is not Nikki, but her husband. Nikki, you are hoping that this is the type of situation that will blow over, I'm here to tell you that this is the type of situation that blows up. And when it does, if I were you, I would not want to be anywhere near your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Supposedly I am, but why should I believe that ? He doesnt show me love in ways that I want him to, like by complementing the way I look or holding my hand, the little things. He shows me by working hard and providing for me. I now realize this since ive been in therapy. I always took his lack of emotions as he didnt really love me. Nikki, This is totally what happened in my marriage as well. He never said he loved me, never gave a complement, no hand holding. We did have sex, I would say once or twice a month. That was the only affection I ever got. I never thought of having an affair or having any kind of relationship with another man. As far as I was concerned, it would have been more of the same. I always told people if my marriage ended, I wouldn't even bother looking. I meant that. My affair started quickly and without thought. Luckily, my H does not know him. I am still in A, 2 years now, and OM is also married. I do wish I had never started this even if it meant never feeling loved. Now, I feel like my marriage is over regardless of how A goes. I do not love my husband and I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. I will most likely end my marriage, because I feel he deserves the chance to go find someone who does love him and is attracted to him. But I have no plans to confess. I remember reading somewhere that a confession really only helps the confessor feel better, to get rid of the guilt, but in the process you have hurt someone terribly. I see other BS on here saying they wanted to know and at least one saying they wish they never knew. I don't know what the right answer is. For me, I just do not want to hurt my H. Are you still in love with your H? Are you still sexually attracted to your H? How are you coping with that? I hope OM will leave you and your family alone. That is a precarious situation. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Nikki, This is totally what happened in my marriage as well. He never said he loved me, never gave a complement, no hand holding. We did have sex, I would say once or twice a month. That was the only affection I ever got. I never thought of having an affair or having any kind of relationship with another man. As far as I was concerned, it would have been more of the same. I always told people if my marriage ended, I wouldn't even bother looking. I meant that. My affair started quickly and without thought. Luckily, my H does not know him. I am still in A, 2 years now, and OM is also married. I do wish I had never started this even if it meant never feeling loved. Now, I feel like my marriage is over regardless of how A goes. I do not love my husband and I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. I will most likely end my marriage, because I feel he deserves the chance to go find someone who does love him and is attracted to him. But I have no plans to confess. I remember reading somewhere that a confession really only helps the confessor feel better, to get rid of the guilt, but in the process you have hurt someone terribly. I see other BS on here saying they wanted to know and at least one saying they wish they never knew. I don't know what the right answer is. For me, I just do not want to hurt my H. Are you still in love with your H? Are you still sexually attracted to your H? How are you coping with that? I hope OM will leave you and your family alone. That is a precarious situation. I sorry but that whole "get rid of the cheaters guilt" is total bull. Its cowardly and only waywards use that. No matter the direction the marriage goes the betrayed spouse would want to know. If it is it goal is to work it out then they need to understand ALL the issues in front, if the goal is ending then the betrayed needs to know that their spouse wanted another. So all this really comes down to a wayward being a coward and not wanting to face the damage they created and riding off pretending they made the effort and are GOOD spouses. Like the affair its totally selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think you guys should leave Nikki alone about confessing. Its simply not in her no matter how it will reduce her chances to move forward, away from this affair and towards a better marriage. Nikki I don't want to sound like an a$$ but I think part of you enjoy the fact that OM has engaged with your husband more, it feeds your ego because in your mind he is doing it because you stopped talking to him. You have no issues manipulating your husband, so you could manipulate him into thinking OM makes you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. Thus making your husband have limited contact. I'm just not convinced you don't like this. I admit, at first it gave me a little ego boost, thinking he's doing this because he wants to see me or misses me. But seeing everyone's input, from an outside view, makes me realize that he actually doesnt give a rats arse about me or my H and this is all a power trip for him. I told H a few months ago that xAP makes me uncomfortable and I dont want him around me. It didnt sink in with H and he just took it as , thats xAP personality and doesnt blame him for flirting with me because I'm pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 ....I told H a few months ago that xAP makes me uncomfortable and I dont want him around me. It didnt sink in with H and he just took it as , thats xAP personality and doesnt blame him for flirting with me because I'm pretty. Yeah, you can't emphasise this again, or H's suspicions are going to be aroused, especially after today... You 'willingly' hung around and joined in the discussion... Jeesh, I hope I'm wrong, but I can see this escalating. I bet you anything you like he got a smug thrill today after baiting you like that... Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I admit, at first it gave me a little ego boost, thinking he's doing this because he wants to see me or misses me. But seeing everyone's input, from an outside view, makes me realize that he actually doesnt give a rats arse about me or my H and this is all a power trip for him. I told H a few months ago that xAP makes me uncomfortable and I dont want him around me. It didnt sink in with H and he just took it as , thats xAP personality and doesnt blame him for flirting with me because I'm pretty. This MM knows you'll be sleeping with him soon. You've done nothing to show him otherwise. It's all a game to you. Me, me, me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 This MM knows you'll be sleeping with him soon. You've done nothing to show him otherwise. lts all a game to you. Me, me, me... I only slept with him 3 times, the last time was in june. The rest of our A was only communicating via our fb page. I tried many times to make plans to be with him again, and he always would make excuses. So i dont think its sleeping with me that hes after, i think its more him getting a rise out of making me feel uncomfortable being in my face around my H.. Maybe payback for cutting him off cold turkey. Who knows. How am I showing him that I want to be part of his game? Ive cut him off and blocked him. And havent made any attempts to contact him and I never will. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think Lurkeraspect is just being a bit hostile, and that's just all there is to it. I think what you need to do is just chalk this day up to an experience, and wait and see what he does, or tries to do, next..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I only slept with him 3 times, the last time was in june. The rest of our A was only communicating via our fb page. I tried many times to make plans to be with him again, and he always would make excuses. So i dont think its sleeping with me that hes after, i think its more him getting a rise out of making me feel uncomfortable being in my face around my H.. Maybe payback for cutting him off cold turkey. Who knows. How am I showing him that I want to be part of his game? Ive cut him off and blocked him. And havent made any attempts to contact him and I never will. By not telling your husband the truth. No amount of NC effort (on your part)will ever get this guy 100% out of your life. He knows it, and he shows it to you every time he attempts and/or shows up at your house. So, until you change your perspective on honesty and transparency, he'll always be there, and you'll continue making threads here about his breaking NC. NC is impossible because: 1. The AP you chose, and 2. Because you want to continue lying to your husband. Which tells me, you'll re engage at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I actually think OM is gauging the situation to get a heads up if Nikki decides to confess. I believe that in his mind her cutting him off means she could be close to outing the affair. As long as Nikki's husband is engaging him then that means she hasn't told. It also means that your marriage won't move forward because he will be around and at some point one of you will crack, most likely you. Or someone will say too much and your husband will put it all together, most likely OM. Lastly, you are more likely to end up in bed with him again. You didn't have the boundaires to avoid it before and you've really not learned much since, your still just as closed off and dishonest as before. You simply can't move forward and make a better life with this dynamic. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Nikki, just keep doing what you've been doing. No contact! Ignore him and like someone els said just chalk it up to an experience and leave it at that!? Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I sorry but that whole "get rid of the cheaters guilt" is total bull. Its cowardly and only waywards use that. No matter the direction the marriage goes the betrayed spouse would want to know. Again. You. Don't. Know. That! If you have data that says otherwise then please share it. But you DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE BETRAYED SPOUSE WANTS TO KNOW. You just know what YOU want to know. That means exactly NOTHING in relation to anyone else except YOU. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Again. You. Don't. Know. That! If you have data that says otherwise then please share it. But you DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE BETRAYED SPOUSE WANTS TO KNOW. You just know what YOU want to know. That means exactly NOTHING in relation to anyone else except YOU. That may be true. However, I am of the mindset that the betrayer is in no position to now claim that they have the other persons best interest at heart. What I do know, is that most people would not want the very person who did the betraying to now hold ALL the truth (keys) in the relationship, in essence being treated like a child (YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH). It is seizing the power/control/manipulation of your life partner. Everyday, it is nurtured....everyday it becomes more entrenched into WHO you are, and how you treat others. The more important question is about SELF. Are we someone who openly lies/manipulates those closest to us so that we benefit....at their expense? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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