xAP just emailed me (Updated)

[twosadthings]

What he is doing is rubbing it into your husband's face and you're letting him do it. Hoping he misses you is continuing your infidelity no matter how you slice it.

 

 

You can get as angry as you please it's still your fault your life is what you made it. Wait until you see your husband's anger.

 

 

Twosadthings

[Lurkeraspect]

xAP stopped by our house yesterday to pick up some tools. Mind you, theyve been there since he started doing work on our house last spring.

That was always our excuse to try to see each other. Come over to "pick up the tools". Of course, he would always have an excuse that day, that he couldnt.

 

My H and him were standing around the kitchen where I was cooking, talking. My face was so red with anger. I couldnt even look at him at first. Then they started including me in their conversation, I didnt want to be obvious, so I participated.

 

It floors me how he can act as though nothing is wrong. I guess thats a good thing. Doesnt want H to suspect. But how can he stop by my house knowing that IM home amd just stand there talking to us.

 

I wasnt sad at all seeing him. Pretty much just angry. Not that it matters but I wonder if he picked up the tools to throw it in my face thats its over and to purposely try to torture me?

I hope its killing him that im not contacting him !

 

Aren't you playing the same game? You are another one who is addicted to drama. If you truly want this to end, tell your husband.

 

And why do you "hope it's killing him" that you're not contacting him? That certainly doesn't should like someone who is over the affair and wants it to remain that way. You know exactly what you're doing

 

Drama and games. At least be honest with yourself.

[nikki76]

What he is doing is rubbing it into your husband's face and you're letting him do it. Hoping he misses you is continuing your infidelity no matter how you slice it.

 

 

You can get as angry as you please it's still your fault your life is what you made it. Wait until you see your husband's anger.

 

 

Twosadthings

 

Here we go with the not confessing drama. Lol. Of course I'm not blaming anyone but myself and xAP. I'm angry that he's finding ways to creep into my life.

[Satu]

I wasnt sad at all seeing him. Pretty much just angry. Not that it matters but I wonder if he picked up the tools to throw it in my face thats its over and to purposely try to torture me?

I hope its killing him that im not contacting him !

 

How do you like the consequences of your actions?

 

Sweet, eh?

[nikki76]

Aren't you playing the same game? You are another one who is addicted to drama. If you truly want this to end, tell your husband.

 

And why do you "hope it's killing him" that you're not contacting him? That certainly doesn't should like someone who is over the affair and wants it to remain that way. You know exactly what you're doing

 

Drama and games. At least be honest with yourself.

 

If I wasnt done with the affair, I wouldn't be in NC mode.

[nikki76]

How do you like the consequences of your actions?

 

Sweet, eh?

 

I dont get what you are asking?

[Satu]

I dont get what you are asking?

 

I didn't think you would

[nikki76]

I didn't think you would

 

Oh , now you want to play games? I'm thr master at games and drama. You ready?

[Mal78]

xAP stopped by our house yesterday to pick up some tools. Mind you, theyve been there since he started doing work on our house last spring.

That was always our excuse to try to see each other. Come over to "pick up the tools". Of course, he would always have an excuse that day, that he couldnt.

 

My H and him were standing around the kitchen where I was cooking, talking. My face was so red with anger. I couldnt even look at him at first. Then they started including me in their conversation, I didnt want to be obvious, so I participated.

 

It floors me how he can act as though nothing is wrong. I guess thats a good thing. Doesnt want H to suspect. But how can he stop by my house knowing that IM home amd just stand there talking to us.

 

I wasnt sad at all seeing him. Pretty much just angry. Not that it matters but I wonder if he picked up the tools to throw it in my face thats its over and to purposely try to torture me?

I hope its killing him that im not contacting him !

 

I think he is desperate and is trying to read you. By including you in conversation he is wanting to see if there is any glimmer of hope there. Be prepared if you cut communication with him this might become more frequent. He might even be hoping by doing this you will contact him even if angry.

 

He is playing with all the possible scenarios in his head. He wants "it" back. Don't participate in the game no matter how desperate he gets. He will put the pressure on you any means possible hoping you will crack.

[Rainbowlove]

Niki,

 

As long as the affair is s secret, he will always have this power and control over you.

 

He can always call. He can always just stop by. He can buddy up to your H to get to you.

 

You have zero control. You have zero power. You will live in this state of anger with him forever bc he doesn't give a rats ass if it bothers you. He doesn't care if it makes you sick. He doesn't care how it makes you feel. The point is, it makes you feel something...

 

As long as you feel something, you are still in it. Even if you are NC. You are still being controlled by his actions.

 

I'm not advocating for confession. Just explaining how not confessing controls you and limits your ability to truly heal and move forward with your H.

[nikki76]

I think he is desperate and is trying to read you. By including you in conversation he is wanting to see if there is any glimmer of hope there. Be prepared if you cut communication with him this might become more frequent. He might even be hoping by doing this you will contact him even if angry.

 

He is playing with all the possible scenarios in his head. He wants "it" back. Don't participate in the game no matter how desperate he gets. He will put the pressure on you any means possible hoping you will crack.

 

Thank you for not tearing me apart like every one else seems to like to do.

 

I havent and wont contact him. Ive blocked in everyway. I made a mistake and forgot he had my email. But its been blocked.

[Satu]

Oh , now you want to play games? I'm thr master at games and drama. You ready?

 

Monopoly is my favourite

[evanescentworld]

nikki, he gives a dan that you're not contacting him.

Because he knows he can get to you, via your H.

he doesn't give a damn how this makes you feel..

How dare he?

Just like that! Any way he wants, any time he wants, and there's not a damn blind thing you can do about it.

 

he's saying:

 

"Suck it up, babe, I'm in your life, and here for good.

I'm going to remind you of every single time we were together, every single time I was in you, every single time we had sex - right under your husband's nose - and what can you do about it?

 

Not a sweet, fat thing, because guess what?

 

Your H and me, we's buddies! Pals! It's natural we get together and talk! hey, normal, isn't it?

 

So get over it sweetheart, and get used to it, because whether you like it or not, sweet li'l sister, you're going to be seeing a lot of me. And you'll have to talk to me, because that's what happens when friends get together, right?"

 

And he's right.

 

The only way to stop his little game, is to come clean.

 

But I know you don't want to, and I wasn't suggesting you do.

It's your decision, taken , end of.

That's up to you.

But what I am saying, is that unless you do, get used to more of the same.

 

Why does he do it?

 

Because he can.

[nikki76]

Niki,

 

As long as the affair is s secret, he will always have this power and control over you.

 

He can always call. He can always just stop by. He can buddy up to your H to get to you.

 

You have zero control. You have zero power. You will live in this state of anger with him forever bc he doesn't give a rats ass if it bothers you. He doesn't care if it makes you sick. He doesn't care how it makes you feel. The point is, it makes you feel something...

 

As long as you feel something, you are still in it. Even if you are NC. You are still being controlled by his actions.

 

I'm not advocating for confession. Just explaining how not confessing controls you and limits your ability to truly heal and move forward with your H.

 

That makes sense. Didnt think of it like that.

Do you think if I tell him to leave us f alone, would do anything? Or is that just feeding into his power trip?

[elaine567]

Don't know the full story here, but I presume you are a WW who has split up with the OM and gone NC.

The OM came round to pick up his tools and spoke to you and your husband.

 

Why are you sooo angry with him?

[evanescentworld]

That makes sense. Didnt think of it like that.

Do you think if I tell him to leave us f alone, would do anything? Or is that just feeding into his power trip?

 

He hasn't taken any notice of your NC.

he's blithely ignored the evident fact that you have stopped the affair.

 

It hasn't stopped him.

Talking to him will do nothing.

If anything, it will provoke him further.

[Rainbowlove]

That makes sense. Didnt think of it like that.

Do you think if I tell him to leave us f alone, would do anything? Or is that just feeding into his power trip?

 

I'm worried that he's upping the anti. He's escalating. I think he's s loose cannon.

 

I can't imagine how you are keeping it together at home.

 

Definitely do not say anything to him bc he doesn't care. He will know he's getting to you.

 

But I also worry about what he'll do next to get to you.

 

Ignore him. That's the best you can do or you know the alternative, but are not willing to go there.

 

What's his life like? Kids? Home?

[Mal78]

That makes sense. Didnt think of it like that.

Do you think if I tell him to leave us f alone, would do anything? Or is that just feeding into his power trip?

 

Oh my goodness Nikki76, the second you feel you need to tell this man anything is the second you should decide to tell your H everything.

 

Like was suggested, he doesn't give a rats a$$. If he wants to be friends or friendly with your H he will. Nothing you can do about it. I guess you might need to see it as a bitter consequence. I suppose it could be worse. D is also a consequence.

[Satu]

OP has painted herself into a corner.

[nikki76]

Don't know the full story here, but I presume you are a WW who has split up with the OM and gone NC.

The OM came round to pick up his tools and spoke to you and your husband.

 

Why are you sooo angry with him?

 

Yes. I ended it a month ago. Cold turkey. I'm angry because hes been doing little things to get to make him noticed. My H and him are friends, but haven't spoke since October. Now all of the sudden, he's talking with H, stops by to get his tools, texts H on New Years eve when he knows we are out to dinner and emails me last week a question about light fixtures ( which is how our A began, when he was doing electric on our house.

 

Maybe Im looking to far into it. But I feel hes doing all this to get a rise out of me.

[evanescentworld]

..... I'm angry because hes been doing little things to get to make him noticed.

....maybe im looking to far into it. But i feel hes doing all this to get a rise out of me.

 

ya think, maybe - ?!

[Sub]

It really depends on how much stamina you have in regard to this current dynamic. If you think you can withstand what he's obviously going to bring - more contact with your H, more reasons to be in your space - for an extended period time, he'll do one of two things: get the hint and back away, or become more of a wildcard and test you more and more. Unfortunately, the only thing that does give you some control is the thing you said you won't do. I think we have to respect that. Just be ready to dig your heels in for a while, IMO.

[nikki76]

I'm worried that he's upping the anti. He's escalating. I think he's s loose cannon.

 

I can't imagine how you are keeping it together at home.

 

Definitely do not say anything to him bc he doesn't care. He will know he's getting to you.

 

But I also worry about what he'll do next to get to you.

 

Ignore him. That's the best you can do or you know the alternative, but are not willing to go there.

 

What's his life like? Kids? Home?

 

Being on this forum has been a HUGE part of me not contacting him and keep it somewhat together. Im also in therapy. But she doesnt really like talking about the A, she focuses more on me and figuring out why i had the A.

 

Yes, he's married with three kids, my kids ages. His wife is not there emotionally and physically . I know this is the truth. Hes been saying this for years to my H. I'm sure she has a good reason.

 

Thank you for your input

[Lurkeraspect]

Yes. I ended it a month ago. Cold turkey. I'm angry because hes been doing little things to get to make him noticed. My H and him are friends, but haven't spoke since October. Now all of the sudden, he's talking with H, stops by to get his tools, texts H on New Years eve when he knows we are out to dinner and emails me last week a question about light fixtures ( which is how our A began, when he was doing electric on our house.

 

Maybe Im looking to far into it. But I feel hes doing all this to get a rise out of me.

 

The person you should be angry with is you. You're the one who thought it was a good idea to have multiple affairs, but that wasn't good enough, you had to up your game by screwing one of your husbands friends That's all you.

 

You can't expect this MM to respect your boundaries when you've shown him that you clearly have none. That's one of the reasons I'm pushing you to fess up to your husband. It's the only way this will end. But hey, do it your way.

[nikki76]

The person you should be angry with is you. You're the one who thought it was a good idea to have multiple affairs, but that wasn't good enough, you had to up your game by screwing one of your husbands friends That's all you.

 

You can't expect this MM to respect your boundaries when you've shown him that you clearly have none. That's one of the reasons I'm pushing you to fess up to your husband. It's the only way this will end. But hey, do it your way.

 

I am angry with myself. I dont blame anyone but myself. At the time, I was out of control.

Now im out of that fog and realize the damage i have done.