what do you think?

[mtnbiker3000]

If she is ever with you again, it will be short lived. Until someone more interesting / desirable comes along. Believe that!!!

 

Let her go. She doesn't give two shytes about you.

 

The one blaring fact you keep skipping / rationalizing: If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. Right???

 

You don't see it, but that whole scenario seems ridiculous to everyone but you. Ridiculous!!!

Edited January 31, 2015 by mtnbiker3000

[Simon Phoenix]

Lol jesus... you guys just never have any positive reinforcement. The fact that 24 hours later SHE unblocked me.... CALLED ME... MESSAGED ME... and then tried to tell me why she doesn't think it would work doesn't make you think shes at least debating it? She ignored me for days and weeks when i'd text her before. Now she felt the need to call me 24 hours later? And when I asked to stop for a hug she said "not tonight" Or the fact that I asked if we could go on a date and she didn't say NO? there was no "scene" to be had... I was at work and she was at home. She could have just said no. And then she didn't block me again..... she's kept open the lines of communication. Which I will not utilize. I'm going to wait on her for this one. I did tell her in the video that I'm going to start dating again at this point. The video wasn't like "honey I love you, ill wait forever" lol it was like hey im here... I changed... we have something special... now grow up or lose it.

 

If she's telling you it doesn't work, that means she doesn't think it will work. And if you keep pressing the subject then the odds of her reconsidering are slim and none. That doesn't mean she's debating it. And she called you and messaged you because you sent her a video, you called her, you texted her, you sent her an email (hence, the full-court press that I referenced).

 

I mean, as an impartial observer, there wasn't much positive there as far as reconciliation. And there won't be if you continue the pursuit. You shouldn't have kept after her after she gave her thanks.

 

I mean, you have to let it be, but if she does come sniffing around, you have to play it a hell of a lot more cooler and more chill than you did. Preferably by saying nothing, but there's no way you'll do that. You went way too hard in the paint.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[mtnbiker3000]

Lol jesus... you guys just never have any positive reinforcement.

 

Why? Because we don't like you? Because we want you to go down in flames? Why would we, strangers, try to give you insight? Think about it? Why would strangers be telling you 'what's up?' Exposing what you can't see? Seriously, why?? What do we have to gain by showing you the error of your ways? You think we feel good about ourselves by proving you wrong? Really?

Edited January 31, 2015 by mtnbiker3000

[tojaz]

So....... lets just say that you guys believe me... At this point.... no contact is the way to go for SURE right?

 

Short answer: Yes, NC is the way to go for SURE!

Long answer: Also Yes, just with more words that I'll have to type out tomorrow, been a long day.

 

My question is, do you think you will be able to stick to no contact??

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

HEY EVERYONEEEEE!!!! I"M BACKKKKKK!!!!! haha

 

 

first reason that I haven't updated anyone is because I honestly forgot what this website was called and I had deleted every email I had gotten. Part of my "new me" procedure was to clean out all the old emails.... that includes emails from girls... porn sites etc etc. haha.

 

 

Secondly, I've been working like a dog. lots of shifts and saving up money.

 

 

 

 

SOOOOO..... here's the update.

 

 

Against your guys advice... I went ahead and gave her the video on Wednesday night just a few days ago. I had just finalized the whole thing the night before and I sort of felt like I had nothing to lose. We hadn't been speaking at all and she seemed to be doing fine. I also have been doing better though. Working out, working, saving money, bettering myself in many ways. Getting ready for my new career.

 

 

SO.... the moment you've all been waiting for.....

 

 

SHE LOVED THE VIDEO. I MEAN LOVED IT. I know you guys probably don't believe me.... I Have many texts and emails that can prove it. Now, that's not to say she came running back and jumped into my arms.

 

 

Here's how it went.

 

 

I had to be to work at 7. I asked her the night before if she could make it home a few minutes earlier from work so I could drop something off. She was very nice and said yes. She was running ate though and only got back at about 6:50. I helped her walk the kids in but she wouldn't let me come in the apartment (which is so funny cause I paid for the ****ing thing for a year. everything in it is mine) which I equate to the fact that shes trying to respect her new "boyfriend" which she says hes not actually her boyfriend yet.

 

 

So we stand outside the door talking for a minute. I ask her if she sees herself with this guy forever.... or if hes just someone shes passing time with. Because I've always been her forever guy. Her response was "i do really like him... hes like the nicest guy I've ever met" So I told her... everyone is nice in the beginning. She said "i know, it takes a good 3 months to see someone's true colors" So I told her to be careful and just protect herself and the kids.

 

 

I gave her a bag with a decorative box in it which I wrapped. In the box I had decorated the iinside of the lid with quotes and pictures of us. Inside the box I put 2 small bottles of merlot (our favorite) a small wrapped bag of tissues. one envelope with a card in it that read "YES" and another that read "NO" each one had a letter in it in response to whatever her answer would be. ANd one letter that was a "follow up" to the video. In the letter I showed her PROOF of all the changes that I had made. CHanged my phone number. Changed all the passwords to my facebook and instagram and put those passwords in the envelope (with a note that I would change them after 2 days if I hadn't heard from her) I showed her my interview date for my new career and my paycheck from all the hours I've been working. And the video was EPIC. It was 38 minutes long!! damn near a movie!! All the pictures of us at 15 years old all the way up to now and stories between each one and an explanation of where we went wrong, how we went wrong and how it can be fixed. All of our songs played on the video.

 

 

So I left and went to work. 8 rolled by... 9 rolled by.... 10 rolled by.... 11 rolled by..... almost midnight on my break I was so pissed off that I hadn't heard at least a "thank you" I was almost losing my ****.

 

 

11:57 I got a text from her. She said "that was the sweetest thing anyones ever done for me. I loved it. I watched it 5 times through and I couldn't stop crying"

 

 

So I was jumping for joy. I'm not supposed to text at work but I kept sneaking off having conversations with her. As the conversation went on I got less and less hopeful. She sort of started talking in a "past tense" way... like "we had some great memories" yada yada. So I was like wow ok so you're choosing him.... I guess that's your answer. I asked her "how ddid the video make you feel" Her response was "i am not going to tell you how it made me feel because you'll hold it against me or try and start trouble" (I cant lie, im the type to see this guy and be like "yeah well she was crying over my video and misses me bitch!!") lol however juvenile that may be.

 

 

She said "i'm not choosing anyone. I just am going with the flow with this guy and seeing where it goes. I think hes a good guy. He seems really sweet" So I started just telling her every relationship is sweet.... its been 4 weeks what could possibly go wrong in 4 weeks. Anyway.... after a sort of "argument" which I think made me slide backwards from the good the video had done she went to sleep. (he wasn't there that night which was cool)

 

 

So the following morning (yesterday morning) I called her when I got home from work. I told her that she could at least tell me how the video made her feel and that I haven't said a WORD to her or this guy in 4 weeks besides the first night and that I wouldn't do anything to **** up her situation. She repeated that she wasn't going to tell me. And basically was mad because she said she didn't have time and was getting ready for work and taking the kids to school (it was like 7 am)

 

 

So we hung up..... I got so pissed I sent her a long email. In the email I reminded her of all of HER mistakes that she had made because she HATESSSS admitting her wrongs. She likes everyone to think shes the victim and that me and her ex husband are both horrible people and shes just an angel that was done wrong. I was very blunt in the letter without PUTTING HER DOWN or calling her names which I used to do and she hated it. I sort of just laid it all out in a mature way. Then I told her that at least I was man enough to admit my wrong doings and take action to change them and I've shown it as proof. No response.

 

 

So..... I went to work last night at 7. At around 11:30 my phone rings and its a blocked number. I can't talk on the phone at work so I didn't pick up. Two seconds later my email alert goes off..... an email from her. 2 seconds after that my facebook alert goes off.... she has had me blocked on facebook for 3 months... she unblocked me to send me a message.

 

 

The email was basically saying how much she loved the video and that she just watched it again. Saying that she "doesn't care what I think of her that she knows shes a good person" in reference to my email. And that she just doesn't think she can ever trust me if she got back with me (I never cheated but I used to **** every girl on earth so she thinks i'm still that guy I was when I was 20)

 

 

So... then she basically starts going into that she misses me but just doesn't think it can work after all this drama and that she would never trust me. That she just thinks this guy is really nice and that it could go somewhere. So I told her that I have showed all the proof in the world that I have changed and that if she could just give me one date to prove it... and if that worked maybe a second date...

 

 

 

 

she didn't say no!!! She said "i don't know..." So I flirted with her a bit... I got 2 REALLY good laughs out of her by referencing something from our past. I told her I was working really hard and that I didn't want to get in trouble so I had to get back. Then I said "cmon... one date... no sex, no cell phones... just you me some wine and a view of the city" she said ... "i don't know... im not sure" I told her I had a break in 20 minutes and asked if I could stop by for a hug... her response.... "not tonight. im tired" I asked "is it because hes there" And she said "no he's not here" (drove by on break. he wasn't there)

 

 

SHE DIDNT SAY NO.

 

 

So I got off work at 7 am.... I ran to the store real quick and bought a single rose. I drove to her apartment quick and cleaned off all the snow and ice from the windows. I put the rose in the windshield wiper and I left. 40 minutes later she texted me and asked if I had cleaned her car of. I said yes. She said "thank you, but you didn't have to do that" I said no problem, a lady shouldn't have to do that in the cold. I told her to have a good weekend and that was it.

 

 

I"M GLAD I GAVE HER THE VIDEO. She unblocked me from facebook now and has been in more contact with me in the 2 days since I gave it to her than in an entire month. I am 100% going to play it cool now and step back and let her come to me..... so I AM using your guys technique in terms of no contact AT THIS POINT. but I had to remind her that we had WAY WAY more good times than bad. And I think it worked.

 

 

you guys don't have to believe me if you don't want to. As I said I have all the proof in the world, but you guys would just say that I made it up or whatever. And i'm certainly not going to post her facebook name or anything in here. I don't know what kind of weirdos are online lol.

 

 

So....... lets just say that you guys believe me... which you should because I don't care enough to lie just to impress faceless people I'll never meet..... At this point.... no contact is the way to go for SURE right?

 

Oh my god....

[sober and dry]

JerseyFresh I will just say this, can you see how you contradict your own thoughts, desires and actions in every post you do?

[JerseyFresh]

its not so much WHAT you guys say... but HOW you say it that gets me mad.

 

 

 

 

the "OH MY GOD.... YOU DIDNT" "are you stupid" reactions are a bit ridiculous.

 

 

Before when I spoke about giving her the video you all said that it would "creep her out" and "make me look desperate" and that she'd more than likely not respond whatsoever.

 

 

Instead of NOT responding she CALLED ME.... TEXTED ME.... for TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS and was being flirty and cute and telling me FLAT OUT that she was debating the possibilities.

But for some reason you're all still acting like im a complete idiot. I went from NO CONTACT WITH HER WHATSOEVER and her thinking this guy was the one for her and she was done with me forever.... to her talking to me for 2 days straight. But i'm the idiot? I get it.

Yes, I can keep up the no contact at this point. I have proven my side with ACTION not just empty words and she sees that now. THere's no way shes not impressed with all the amazing things I've accomplished in these short few weeks. It's going to have her thinking.

Again, if you guys want to debate with me and have your own opinions, that's fine. But the condescending way in which you speak is what gets me fired up. Like you KNOW every single situation and every possible outcome and that i'm just 100% wrong and ther's no way anything I did could have helped. The video wasn't some bull**** little 3 minute video with pictures and sappy songs. The **** was GRADE A. 38 minutes of good memories and answers to our problems. And she cried and watched it 5 times through..... i'd say that's a small victory in my favor.

[NopeNah]

She's still with the other guy,bro. Face it.

[JerseyFresh]

I haven't seen his car at her house in a week and a half.... NOT ONCE. Just saying. Not even there tonight. not last night... not the night before that. so.... face that.

[CALOVELY]

I sense that you are very young, so perhaps your experience is limited. While this may have stirred some feelings in your ex, it does not sound like she wants to get back together with you. This relationship also sounds very immature, but that could be due to ages. Driving by her place/boyfriends place is childish. When you get older it could be seen as stalking and harassment. I think the best thing to do is let her reach out to you, if that is what she wants. Checking up on her and following her moves is not a good idea.

[JerseyFresh]

I sense that you are very young, so perhaps your experience is limited. While this may have stirred some feelings in your ex, it does not sound like she wants to get back together with you. This relationship also sounds very immature, but that could be due to ages. Driving by her place/boyfriends place is childish. When you get older it could be seen as stalking and harassment. I think the best thing to do is let her reach out to you, if that is what she wants. Checking up on her and following her moves is not a good idea.

 

 

 

Not sure how much of the story you've been following. We lived together for a year. We've been together off and on for 16 years. I only live 3 blocks away from her now and HAVE to drive by to go to work. its literally on her street. Driving by on a public street is not harassment even if its intentional. I have no "guilty feelings" about driving by checking up on her. She admitted to me yesterday that she checks up on my facebook and instagram. As for wanting to get back together. I think she would like to... but I know how she thinks.... shes too embarrassed to tell her friends and this new guy (all of which shes made me out to be the crazy ex) that shes back with me... she doesn't want to look like she lied. Plus her family... they haven't wanted us together and that means a lot to her. So... shes weighing things like "whats the easier option" I've known this woman my entire life... she likes tall dark Italian muscular guys that are protective and sort of "bad boy" this guy is about 5'8 with red hair pale skin freckles and is probably about a 5 out of 10 on the hotness scale. and she is GORGEOUS. Its only a matter of time before she realizes shes dipping in the lower gene pool and this guy isn't someone she wants to have a kid with. Call it immature or whatever. No i'm not young. I'm 31 and shes 32. but we all retain some form of immaturity no matter how old we get. I'm not embarrassed to say that I'm a little jealous over the woman I love. I don't care how any of you judge that. She'd be jealous too if I went out on dates. shes only NOT jealous now because she knows I love her. and I know she loves me too.... her exact words were "i cant tell you how the video really made me feel because I don't want you to use it against me" I mean.... HELLO.... that's saying "it really made me miss you but I don't want you calling me a week from now like "but you said you missed me"

 

 

Not YOU (the person I quoted) but some other peoples replies are seriously still getting out of hand with putting me down. I"ve been cool... not called anyone names... not been a dick since this post FIRST started... PLEASE... if you have an opinion, by all means give it... but don't talk down to me.

[CALOVELY]

You need to stop with the following and checking up on her. You have made your intentions clear now and the ball is in her court. If she contacts you, great but do not initiate yourself. My two cents.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not sure how much of the story you've been following. We lived together for a year. We've been together off and on for 16 years. I only live 3 blocks away from her now and HAVE to drive by to go to work. its literally on her street. Driving by on a public street is not harassment even if its intentional. I have no "guilty feelings" about driving by checking up on her. She admitted to me yesterday that she checks up on my facebook and instagram. As for wanting to get back together. I think she would like to... but I know how she thinks.... shes too embarrassed to tell her friends and this new guy (all of which shes made me out to be the crazy ex) that shes back with me... she doesn't want to look like she lied. Plus her family... they haven't wanted us together and that means a lot to her. So... shes weighing things like "whats the easier option" I've known this woman my entire life... she likes tall dark Italian muscular guys that are protective and sort of "bad boy" this guy is about 5'8 with red hair pale skin freckles and is probably about a 5 out of 10 on the hotness scale. and she is GORGEOUS. Its only a matter of time before she realizes shes dipping in the lower gene pool and this guy isn't someone she wants to have a kid with. Call it immature or whatever. No i'm not young. I'm 31 and shes 32. but we all retain some form of immaturity no matter how old we get. I'm not embarrassed to say that I'm a little jealous over the woman I love. I don't care how any of you judge that. She'd be jealous too if I went out on dates. shes only NOT jealous now because she knows I love her. and I know she loves me too.... her exact words were "i cant tell you how the video really made me feel because I don't want you to use it against me" I mean.... HELLO.... that's saying "it really made me miss you but I don't want you calling me a week from now like "but you said you missed me"

 

 

Not YOU (the person I quoted) but some other peoples replies are seriously still getting out of hand with putting me down. I"ve been cool... not called anyone names... not been a dick since this post FIRST started... PLEASE... if you have an opinion, by all means give it... but don't talk down to me.

 

You need to relax and stop being weird -- not just to us, but in general. If the video was really that good, then shut the f--k up and let it do its thing. The more you meddle, the more you look like a desperate emo teenager. So stop being weird, let things marinate, and take some positive steps toward being a better person. Stop driving by her place like a goddamn stalker.

 

And stop describing yourself like you are a fill-in for Ronnie on Jersey Shore. No one cares, and she doesn't care either.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Gatema]

After finally reading my way through the drama/trauma from JerseyFresh, which happened to expand over 15 pages of intense reads, in addition to, what felt like being a spectator at an Olympic épée fencing match; I've reached my own self -imposed epiphany.

 

I can honestly say that I'm pretty much rendered speechless at this point.

 

You just can't make this sh*t up.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Not sure how much of the story you've been following. We lived together for a year. We've been together off and on for 16 years. I only live 3 blocks away from her now and HAVE to drive by to go to work. its literally on her street. Driving by on a public street is not harassment even if its intentional. I have no "guilty feelings" about driving by checking up on her. She admitted to me yesterday that she checks up on my facebook and instagram. As for wanting to get back together. I think she would like to... but I know how she thinks.... shes too embarrassed to tell her friends and this new guy (all of which shes made me out to be the crazy ex) that shes back with me... she doesn't want to look like she lied. Plus her family... they haven't wanted us together and that means a lot to her. So... shes weighing things like "whats the easier option" I've known this woman my entire life... she likes tall dark Italian muscular guys that are protective and sort of "bad boy" this guy is about 5'8 with red hair pale skin freckles and is probably about a 5 out of 10 on the hotness scale. and she is GORGEOUS. Its only a matter of time before she realizes shes dipping in the lower gene pool and this guy isn't someone she wants to have a kid with. Call it immature or whatever. No i'm not young. I'm 31 and shes 32. but we all retain some form of immaturity no matter how old we get. I'm not embarrassed to say that I'm a little jealous over the woman I love. I don't care how any of you judge that. She'd be jealous too if I went out on dates. shes only NOT jealous now because she knows I love her. and I know she loves me too.... her exact words were "i cant tell you how the video really made me feel because I don't want you to use it against me" I mean.... HELLO.... that's saying "it really made me miss you but I don't want you calling me a week from now like "but you said you missed me"

 

 

Not YOU (the person I quoted) but some other peoples replies are seriously still getting out of hand with putting me down. I"ve been cool... not called anyone names... not been a dick since this post FIRST started... PLEASE... if you have an opinion, by all means give it... but don't talk down to me.

 

31?!? Wow...

[elaine567]

You sent the video, she cried, you had her almost in the palm of your hand

and then :-

"I got so pissed I sent her a long email. In the email I reminded her of all of HER mistakes that she had made because she HATESSSS admitting her wrongs. She likes everyone to think shes the victim and that me and her ex husband are both horrible people and shes just an angel that was done wrong. I was very blunt in the letter without PUTTING HER DOWN or calling her names which I used to do and she hated it. I sort of just laid it all out in a mature way. Then I told her that at least I was man enough to admit my wrong doings and take action to change them and I've shown it as proof."

 

WOW!!!

I guess, you made her realise just why she broke up with you in the first place and just why she should never go back to you.

[Ducktape]

Don't listen to all them haters Jersey, I personally think it's beautiful how you fight for your love and never give up! Even at 31 you are not yet jaded with love, I can tell you have tasted real love unlike everyone else here, because you won't give up on it!

 

Keep fighting, she's coming back I can tell!!

[Amaraya]

You're 31? I was imagining you as 18.

 

Wow - I seriously think you need psychological help. You sound crazy and if this girl has an ounce of sense she'll get a restraining order.

 

You've already acknowledged you drive past her house every night to stalk her - not because you "have to for work". That is creepy. This whole thing is creepy. If that's what she wants in her life then mazel tov. But most women don't. And she is still with her new boyfriend. She didn't want you to come over and hug her. She didn't want to go on the date. She's probably only not totally rejecting you because she's scared of you.

 

And all of her family and friends are against you? Another good sign...

[tojaz]

OK Jersey. I'm going to be honest and say that I am surprised at her response to the video. Not saying that it was good or bad for your situation, just surprised by the reaction at first.

 

Looking through your thread again though, I have to ask... has she ever been single for any length of time? Looking at your description (and please correct me if I'm wrong) It sounds like she has always had a backup plan going from her ex to you, and then directly back to dating, and then back to you when those opportunities dry up or don't go the way she would like. An escape path so she knows she won't have to be alone maybe.

 

I'm honestly asking because looking back you have been a bit cagey about a lot of the details of the break up. On this forum information is everything, the more information the better picture we get, and the better the advice that can be given.

 

Everyone is focusing on the video, the ploys, the grandstanding, the bravado because that's all we've been given to work with. Try filling in some of the blanks for us. What really caused the break up? The previous ones? Her divorce? What makes her "The one"? What have YOU learned from the break up? What was in the Yes/No envelopes?......

 

TOJAZ

[JerseyFresh]

You're 31? I was imagining you as 18.

 

Wow - I seriously think you need psychological help. You sound crazy and if this girl has an ounce of sense she'll get a restraining order.

 

You've already acknowledged you drive past her house every night to stalk her - not because you "have to for work". That is creepy. This whole thing is creepy. If that's what she wants in her life then mazel tov. But most women don't. And she is still with her new boyfriend. She didn't want you to come over and hug her. She didn't want to go on the date. She's probably only not totally rejecting you because she's scared of you.

 

And all of her family and friends are against you? Another good sign...

 

 

lol NO.... her NEW friends that have never even met me that she just started hanging out with after we broke up. They don't know ****.... only HER version of things. Which doesn't include how I ****ed her at 11 am in December and then she went on a date that night.

 

 

As for her family, no. JUST her mom. but I haven't even MET her mom since we were young. Her mom was just pissed because we moved in together before she was divorced from her husband so that was the "end of the world" for her being a catholic Italian.

 

 

You guys are all pretty ridiculous. I get a kick out of this really. I think you're a bunch of trolls. I have DONE NOTHINGGGGG crazy WHATSOEVER... NOTHING.... I've driven by that's it???? that's crazy??? And in the midst of driving by shes invited me over countless times to talk.... told me she missed me a hundred times.

 

 

I made a video... that she ****ing LOVED....

 

 

I haven't threatened anyone... lost my temper.... or done ANYTHING crazy. yet you guys are all here like i'm some ****ing weirdo murderer hiding in the bushes. Get the **** over yourself. There's nothing wrong with fighting for the one you love. You can all really get the **** out of my face with that ****. I'm not the least bit embarrassed. I'm one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. I have a million friends and getting women is easier to me than almost anyone I know. I'm not some desperate loser hung up on the ONE girl hes ever gotten. I could go **** any pick of supermodel I want right now. I LOVE my ex.... WHO GIVES A ****. get off my ****ing nuts. If you don't like how I do things... feel free to say so and give some constructive criticism. but from this point on the down talking and **** talking like you ****ing know everything is done. I don't want to hear it

 

 

You can say "hey man... I don't think that was a good move... shes probably thinking this.... or that"

 

 

but NOOO.... you guys are like "wow... oh my god... you're a ****ing weirdo psycho loser stalker, she should get a restraining order." blah blah

 

 

restraining order for ****ing WHAT???? they don't just HAND THOSE OUT for no reason. I haven't threatened anyone, haven't knocked on her door at 3 am... i'm not leaving love notes on her door. NOTHING.... I drive by on my way to work and can see her ****ing parking lot right from the road leading into my job. I'm not smashing this dudes car to pieces. I haven't kicked his teeth in... NOTHING... I've done NOTHING.

[JerseyFresh]

Don't listen to all them haters Jersey, I personally think it's beautiful how you fight for your love and never give up! Even at 31 you are not yet jaded with love, I can tell you have tasted real love unlike everyone else here, because you won't give up on it!

 

Keep fighting, she's coming back I can tell!!

 

 

 

Lol.... i'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or not. IF you're not then thank you.... i'm not sure that shes definitely coming back... all I know is that shes not as "done" as she claimed to be before.

 

 

If you are being sarcastic... that was kinda funny, I wont lie. lol

 

 

but yes, I have tasted real love. And there's nothing wrong with me fighting for it as long as its not in a psycho way....

 

 

Everyone here is acting like im mark walhbergh in "FEAR" lol not at all. I"m just kinda making sure she doesn't forget me here and there.

[JerseyFresh]

OK Jersey. I'm going to be honest and say that I am surprised at her response to the video. Not saying that it was good or bad for your situation, just surprised by the reaction at first.

 

Looking through your thread again though, I have to ask... has she ever been single for any length of time? Looking at your description (and please correct me if I'm wrong) It sounds like she has always had a backup plan going from her ex to you, and then directly back to dating, and then back to you when those opportunities dry up or don't go the way she would like. An escape path so she knows she won't have to be alone maybe.

 

I'm honestly asking because looking back you have been a bit cagey about a lot of the details of the break up. On this forum information is everything, the more information the better picture we get, and the better the advice that can be given.

 

Everyone is focusing on the video, the ploys, the grandstanding, the bravado because that's all we've been given to work with. Try filling in some of the blanks for us. What really caused the break up? The previous ones? Her divorce? What makes her "The one"? What have YOU learned from the break up? What was in the Yes/No envelopes?......

 

TOJAZ

 

 

 

THANK YOU TOJAZ... great post. great questions.

 

 

Her ex husband was in the army. His entire life since 18. The whole time they dated and were married he kept telling her he wasn't going to be in the army for his whole life. That hed get out and get a career. In the meantime they were moving all over. They lived in Germany twice, Texas twice and a few other places. He would be deployed to Africa and all kinds of other places while she was home raising the kids a lone. Every time his contract was up he would reenlist even though he promised not to. She was also stuck home being basically a single mother while not being allowed to work or pursue her own career that she had worked towards before marriage.

 

 

After 6 years of marriage and promises in 2013 he was deployed to Africa. While he was away he signed a LIFELONG contract for the army without telling her. He just sent her the paperwork and showed her that he was in until retirement. After that she filed for divorce. She moved back to Jersey with the kids to live with her parents for a while and start school and work again.

 

 

We had kept in loose contact through the years so I knew some of this as it went on. I remember talking to her years ago before my own son was born (hes 5 now) and she was saying what a bad husband he was etc. etc.

 

 

Anyway, she got home we met up for coffee some time later and it felt like we were in high school again. It really was magical. But her mom wouldn't let her date ANYONE even though she was 30 at the time. She was still married by law. So we started sneaking around... .a recipe for disaster for sure.

 

 

WE moved in together without even telling her parents. Once her mom found out wer were living together it was a bomb in the relationship. Everything was stressful from that point on.

 

 

As for why we broke up.... I'd say for sure that that was the biggest part. She loves her family. They're all really close but its like "what mom says goes" so that was part one. Part two... when I was younger I was a womanizer... but everyone knows it, I don't hide it and I was VERY honest from the beginning. SHe didn't care back then... in fact it sort of turned her on that she's the one who made me fall in love while I was just screwing all the other women.

 

 

But the longer we were together she started getting jealous. I have to talk on the phone a lot for my job. Phone calls and texts almost all hours of the night. Didn't bother her at first but by the end she'd be bugging out asking who I was talking to and accusing me of ****. But I NEVER cheated. And at THIS point, she knows that.

 

 

She broke up with me in September. And literally just became HEARTLESS. And that is a far cry from this beautiful sweet loving caring woman that I know. Shes suddenly this like.... self absorbed party animal lol.

 

 

She works at a gym while going to school and seems to suddenly love all the attention shes getting because shes the "hot chic" at the gym... but before that she HATED attention. She's always been beautiful but very humble.

 

 

So anyway... after we broke up... we still lived together for like 2 months. Wed have sex here and there... snuggle some times. After I moved out i'd still see her a good bit. Last time we had sex was in December. Last time we laid on the couch together was December 28th....

 

 

Then she met this guy and turned into a complete bitch. Which.... of course you could say.... "alright so she met a guy she liked and shes over you" Except that she only STOPPED texting me once I saw this guy and said something to him. It was like if I had kept my mouth shut i'd still be bangin her lol. Nobody here really gives a **** about what I say or how well I know her..... At THIS POINT... I cant say for certain, but if I had a million dollars I'd bet that they haven't had a physical relationship yet. Shes pretty strict in that aspect. she has a 3 month rule. And from the conversations we've had where she tells me its "not my business" what shes done... she has hinted that she's sticking by her rules.

 

 

So.... I think shes having fun with this guy... hes got some money... taking her places... and its stress free... no drama... nothing to fight about. And hes ugly so hes probably worshiping her entire existence..... but I know that there's no way she looks at him and says "this is who I want to be with" I even said it to her the other day and her only response was "hes a really nice guy... I like him" with ME... she was head over heels in love.

 

 

SO.... that's as much as I can think of offhand. ANy questions, feel free to ask. Although everyone here seems to gang up on me like im the one who causes trouble, I'm not. I'm pretty open and honest about everything. BUt everyone here thinks its "weird" to show how much you love someone. They'd rather I play high school games like "**** that bitch, im over her" and wait til she comes crawling back. NO THANKS, im a grown man and I can say how I feel and if it doesn't work after an honest try... then it doesn't work.

[Hija77]

You're a grown man, and you can do whatever you want. Personally, I would do ANYTHING I could to get over someone who treated me so poorly. If you want to try to force a breakup between your ex and her new guy, that's up to you. It may work, but I don't think you'd feel very good about yourself in the long run. I don't think you'll find many people who would support your plan to catch the new boyfriend misbehaving on tape. Honestly, hating him isn't going to make her love you. It seems like you're setting a trap for yourself more than for him. I know you've loved her for a long time, and I'm sorry you're hurting so much. You may not like the blunt tone of many of the people on this site. That's understandable, because they're trying to help you get OVER someone who seems harmful to you, and you don't want that. You said you wanted to do something proactive. If I were you, I would make a vested effort to put your emotions aside, and take a real look at that relationship. You wrote precious little in your original post that would make anyone think you should be with your ex, let alone understand the reasons you would actually WANT to be. Write it down. Pros and cons. If the pros outweigh the seemingly insurmountable mountain of disrespect she's heaped upon you, have at it. She sounds very unkind, so I hope for your sake that you choose to stay away from her. Good luck!

[Amaraya]

What was in the Yes and No envelopes?

 

Do you think the new boyfriend drank any of the merlot?

 

Are you worried she might show him the tape?

[tojaz]

Well Jersey, You probably won't like hearing this, but it sounds like you have been a security blanket for her, a place that she knows will always be available and safe for her to return, sort of like a child moving back to their parents whenever they fall on hard times.

 

That's not a bad thing in and of itself, in fact having that kind of devotion to someone becomes a rarer commodity every day.

 

The problem comes when someone takes advantage of that security as a reason to not be responsible for their own actions, just like someone with a safety net isn't afraid to fall. There is no risk, no consequences, that person doesn't learn, and has no respect for what they are given because they can always come back to the well and get more whenever they like.

 

That's a big part of the reason behind NC and a big part of why people were so opposed to you delivering the video, it's not the gesture that we take issue with, or is it the meaning you place behind it.

 

It's that it sends a bad message to her, a message that you are devoted to her no matter what, that you will always be there to pick up the pieces. That you will gladly tolerate her actions whenever and however many times it takes. She left, but your the only one that lost anything in the deal. You lost her, but she knows she can have you back whenever it's convenient for her.

 

Your feasting on the crumbs shes leaving you to keep you on the hook. Your overjoyed that you get the privilege of seeing her Facebook status and having her tolerate the occasional text or visit. Meanwhile some other guy is drinking your Merlot and sitting on your couch!

 

That last bit probably ticked you off. If it did, GOOD! Just keep in mind that I'm not the one you need to be angry at, and neither is anyone else on this forum. I think you know that already. I hope you do anyway.

 

The thing here is that it's not enough to just get her back, that will probably happen eventually anyway looking at her patterns. She needs to come back for the right reasons and you have to accept her back for the right reasons.

 

That's not anything that's going to be accomplished by a new car, a new job, or a video.

 

TOJAZ