Erasing the desire for human companionship?

[mario_C]

Also not a surprise - your mother has control issues and no respect for you, therefore you have self-esteem issues. That sucks, and you need help fighting it. ETA having roommates to move in with can be scary, but it can really help with socialization.

If you can't afford therapy, try Talkspace. It's been very good for me, so please look into it, or a real life therapist. You really need to.

I'm still concerned about you not having plans for your future. What do you want out of life? What are you into?

[Inflikted]

But living in a prison cell you created and staffed with your own guards that will eventually kill your soul and your spirit.

 

What if your soul and spirit have already been killed, at this point? How do you come back from that?

 

Did you go for a walk?

 

I did not. Mainly because where I live is covered in piles of snow and ice, and is extremely cold right now. But admittedly, even if that were not the case, I'd probably be scared, for one reason or another, to go on a walk by myself. My neighborhood is somewhat unsafe, a couple years ago, the mailman was shot and killed on the street I live just a few blocks down from my house in a random act of violence.

 

I'm still concerned about you not having plans for your future. What do you want out of life? What are you into?

 

Well, I mean, it's not so much that I don't have plans or desires for my life, I just feel like I don't have even the slightest clue how to get there. Either that, or I just don't have the confidence in the things I do to believe it will get me there.

 

As far as career goes, I want to get into the video production field, specifically doing editing and post-production work. That's what I pursued my education in, but again, I can't seem to find any opportunities to get my foot in the door anywhere.

 

Ideally, I'd like to work for a video production company. Or, if I should find myself in a position to do so, I'd love to have my own production company, and be able to produce content that's just mine, to make a living off of.

 

Over the last few years, I've been trying to make my own stuff here and there, but it never really takes off or gains me any kind of audience, or anything like that. I tend to try to make content based on my own interests, because that seems to make the most sense to me, in order to have more "fun" with it.

 

I tried several times to maintain a website, for example, for video game related stuff. I did a lot of article writing, I made a bunch of gaming-related videos, but I just never got many views or website hits, and it just never seemed like it was actually growing in any way, so I kind of trailed off doing that.

 

Currently, I've got this idea in my head for an animated video series, and I really want to do it, but there's SO much work I need to do to get to a point where I can even start production on it. That "work" is dull and boring, and considering I don't really believe I'll have any luck amassing any kind of following with this project, either, I just have a hard time convincing myself to sit down and plow through the plentiful "busy work" in order to actually get to the production phase.

 

If I could pull off the idea I have in my head for this series, I think it would be really neat, but again, I still don't really expect it to "reach" much of an audience at all. Not to mention, this project I have in mind might be a bit too big of an undertaking for just one person, like myself, but I don't exactly have options, that way, so it is what it is.

[eye of the storm]

What if your soul and spirit have already been killed, at this point? How do you come back from that?

 

Sorry, its not dead. If it was you would be totally ok with how your life is. You aren't, so that means there a part of you still fighting. You can't use that an excuse.

 

a couple years ago, the mailman was shot and killed on the street

 

A couple of years ago someone has died pretty much everywhere. You are letting fear control your life. Depression (the monster) feeds on fear. So it makes sure there is plenty of it. It takes what might be a healthy concern and turns it into a paralyzing fear. Don't you see how odd it is that you are afraid to go for a walk? The monster wants you trapped in your house and trapped in your head.

 

where I live is covered in piles of snow and ice, and is extremely cold right now

 

So is alot of places. But you still see people outside. If it is to dangerous because of slippery ice, do a compromise, just go out side and look up and take some deep breaths. Marvel at how powerful nature it. And breath.

 

Just start there. small steps.

 

Stop looking for why you can't. Find how you can.

[Inflikted]

Sorry, its not dead. If it was you would be totally ok with how your life is. You aren't, so that means there a part of you still fighting. You can't use that an excuse.

 

I don't mean to use it as an excuse. I'm just saying that I feel like I have absolutely no strength to "fight" anymore, and I don't know how to find that.

 

A couple of years ago someone has died pretty much everywhere. You are letting fear control your life. Depression (the monster) feeds on fear. So it makes sure there is plenty of it. It takes what might be a healthy concern and turns it into a paralyzing fear. Don't you see how odd it is that you are afraid to go for a walk? The monster wants you trapped in your house and trapped in your head.

 

Well, yes, I do see that, and that's the frustrating thing, because I'm very self-aware of all of this stuff, but at the same time, I can't seem to get myself to get past the fears, no matter how irrational they may actually be.

 

So is alot of places. But you still see people outside. If it is to dangerous because of slippery ice, do a compromise, just go out side and look up and take some deep breaths. Marvel at how powerful nature it. And breath.

 

Just start there. small steps.

 

Stop looking for why you can't. Find how you can.

 

Okay, well... This morning, I went with my dad on some errands, and as he drove around, I tried to do what you say and "look up". The first thing I noticed is that the sky makes my eyes hurt; I can't really look at the sky for more than a split second before my eyes force themselves shut. I guess that just shows how little time I actually spend outside, when my eyes can barely adjust to being out there.

 

And in the brief moments where I could power through the pain, I... just didn't really "get it". I'm sure there's a deeper idea behind what you're suggesting, but I think whatever it is is just going right over my head. I was just like "Okay, it's the sky... It's mostly just gloomy clouds right now... And...?". I'm just not really sure what it is I'm supposed to take away from doing this, I guess.

[Ariadne]

I'm not trying to place the blame on my mother, per se, and I'm not purposely "making excuses", I just feel like I can't get out of this massive hold she has on me. No matter what I say, or what I do, or where I got, etc., she's always going to find a way to get to me somehow.

 

Maybe you can check this forum and read some of the stories.

 

Hope it all works out for you. You seem pretty clever.

[Inflikted]

I hate how randomly I can have some particularly dark swings... Last night, I was watching a (fictional) show and the story in that particular episode saw a character being "trapped" and almost committing suicide to get out, only for "divine intervention" to happen at the very last second to give everything a happy ending.

 

And after watching it, I started thinking about how I feel trapped, and how I can't seem to get out, and thoughts of suicide started filtering through my mind. I had trouble falling asleep last night, because I kept thinking about how trapped I feel and whether there can be a way "out" for me.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not actually planning to commit suicide. However, I'm "not committing suicide" for the "wrong reasons". What I mean is, what's actually stopping me is that killing oneself feels like so much work, and I don't even have the motivation to do that... Pretty ridiculous, no?

 

This morning, though, my thoughts haven't been as dark as they were last night. I'm back to my regular feeling of "meh", I guess. I did go grocery shopping this morning, though, and I found myself feeling a strong desire to buy some kind of alcohol, which is odd, because I really don't drink.

 

I didn't buy anything, mainly because I have no clue what I'd even like. I've only had a few beers here and there over the last few years, and I know I don't really like beer very much. I just... wanted something to take the edge off, I guess.

 

I dunno. I'm sure that's probably also a bad road to go down. But I just... wish I had something.

[Inflikted]

I know it's bad, and I should've stopped a long time ago, but I still continue "Twitter stalking" my crush from a couple years ago. Recently, she's been posting stuff about her dating woes and the kind of guy she wishes she could meet, and it just pains me to thin about why it couldn't have been me.

 

Ugh. I just miss her so much. It never seems to go away. I wish I could meet someone like her again. It makes my heart ache knowing I can't be with someone like her.

[clia]

As it is, I have trouble having confidence and "conviction" in making decisions for myself, and I'm constantly second guessing everything and freaking myself out over the details. And then she finds a way to pile on top and plant even more seeds out of doubt in my head.

 

Your mom has obviously killed your confidence. You need to find a way to tune her out.

 

For instance, with the whole "moving out" thing, that scares me on a lot of levels, because I don't know the first thing about renting or leasing, or whatever, a place to live, nor do I feel like I know how to take care of things and maintain everything on my own.

 

Nobody knows these things coming out of the womb. Everyone learns the process for renting an apartment, finding a place to live, and learning how to take care of themselves. You are still young. You do not want to be 40 years old and still in the dark about such basic life skills. You have access to the Internet -- do some searches and read up renting in apartment and living on your own. There are a ton of resources out there. And you will make mistakes along the way, but that's part of life.

 

And my mom, of course, puts me in a darker place, because she brings up things like "You'll get robbed! Someone might break in and murder you! etc", and of course, a lot of that stuff is silly and irrational, but... those things occur to me, too, and really freak me out. I have some nice, expensive things I would want to take with me, so I DO worry I'd get robbed somewhere, and I don't know how to be "safe" enough to NOT get attacked or killed by someone lurking around a corner near where I live. She just knows exactly what to say to get the darkest places of my mind going, and I become convinced, for example, that I WILL get robbed, that I WILL get attacked, or something crazy.

 

You can get robbed anywhere. You can also choose where you live and try to live in an area where there are fewer robberies. Or live in a gated community. Or choose a place that has an alarm system or bars on the windows. Etc....

 

Anyway, again, I apologize for sounding stubborn and making excuses, but I just refuse to move in with other people, in any capacity. I have severe trust issues and paranoia when it comes to people, and I just couldn't handle living with people, especially those I consider to be total strangers. If I'm going to move out, I need a place of my own, whether it be an apartment, or whatever. I just can't put enough trust and faith into random people to be comfortable living with strangers. Wouldn't really do me much good if I were losing sleep every night, because I'm keeping myself awake worrying that my roommate(s) might be crazy and try to kill me in my sleep, or go through my stuff and steal from me.

 

You do sound stubborn. Your paranoia and trust issues are serious issues and are hindering your ability to make friends and have a social circle. You really should talk to a professional because you need to get to the root of those issues and begin dealing with them. While I think most people probably feel some feelings of anxiety and fear prior to moving in with a stranger, it shouldn't be such a paralyzing thought. Many people do it and if you do a proper screening process of your potential roommates, you'll be fine. Ultimately, I think you need to move into your own place (with roommates if financially necessary) in order to start making progress.

[Inflikted]

Your mom has obviously killed your confidence. You need to find a way to tune her out.

 

If only it were that easy. No matter how much I try to "tuner her out" or put any kind of distance between us, she finds a way to force herself back in. She seems to have very severe attachment and controlling issues; from what I can tell, she hates my dad, she has no friends or social life, her daughter from a previous marriage barely talks to her (nor does she get to have much contact with her grand kids). So she clings tightly to me, because in her mind, I'm "all she has". She's desperate to keep me on a leash, because she has no one else.

 

To be honest, I'm... somewhat worried about what things would be like for her and my dad, were I to move out and separate myself. I worry that she'd completely lose her mind and hurt my dad (either mentally/ emotionally, or perhaps even physically), and that scares me.

 

You can get robbed anywhere. You can also choose where you live and try to live in an area where there are fewer robberies. Or live in a gated community. Or choose a place that has an alarm system or bars on the windows. Etc....

 

True, but honestly, I don't know where, around me, is "good" and "safe" to live. And it seems like the nicer/ safer the place, the more expensive, and that's just money I don't have, unfortunately.

 

You do sound stubborn. Your paranoia and trust issues are serious issues and are hindering your ability to make friends and have a social circle. You really should talk to a professional because you need to get to the root of those issues and begin dealing with them. While I think most people probably feel some feelings of anxiety and fear prior to moving in with a stranger, it shouldn't be such a paralyzing thought. Many people do it and if you do a proper screening process of your potential roommates, you'll be fine. Ultimately, I think you need to move into your own place (with roommates if financially necessary) in order to start making progress.

 

See, it's not even just the fear and paranoia towards strangers (though that is a big thing to me, still). The other part of it is, I have a lot of weird quirks and neurotic behaviors and that kind of thing, and I just... I don't want someone else to see how truly weird and neurotic and strange I am, but at the same time, I want to be able to just be myself.

 

Anyway, like I said, therapy or not, I don't think it will matter until I can separate myself from my mother, but I can't do that if I don't have a good enough job to pay the bills, and unfortunately, I just can't find a better job to move on to, to allow me to live the life I want. I'm stuck, and I hate it. I can't do anything until I can get a better job, but I can't just make job opportunities appear in front of me, nor can I make any of them offer me a job when they do seldomly pop up.

 

I dunno. Right now, I'm still dwelling on and feeling bad about the stuff I wrote about last night, about the girl I wanted to be with. I just haven't been able to get it out of my head, today. Plus with Valentine's Day coming up, it's hard not to focus extra hard on how lonely I am when everything around me is promoting a holiday that's all about love and romance, something I don't believe I'll ever get to truly experience.

[clia]

From your posts in this thread it seems like although deep down you desperately want (and need) a change, you are thinking of every excuse in the book for not actually taking the steps to make changes. I see a lot of excuses and then I see new excuses. Your response to multiple suggestions in this thread is either "I can't..." or "I don't know how..." or you come back with another excuse. For example, really...you don't know where around you is "good" and "safe" to live? You don't think you could figure that out by doing a little research?

 

You need to get away from your mother before you can make any progress. Don't worry about your dad. He is married to her and he is an adult. He can take care of himself. You are 26 years old and it's time. You seem very co-dependent.

 

You aren't stuck either. Do you work full time? If so, even at minimum wage, you likely make enough to rent a room. If you aren't working at least 40 hours a week, you should be. Find another part time job. And while it isn't ideal to have roommates, the majority of people start out with roommates. That's life in your 20s. Everyone is neurotic and quirky in their own way, which you will find out if you move in with some new people. You can sit in your room by yourself if there are truly such odd things about you that you can't share with anyone else. But overall, as long as you have your own room to escape to, you will be fine and you will survive it. You might actually enjoy it because having roommates means you are never lonely.

 

The reality is, you are going to find yourself still in this situation in 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years unless you start making changes now. You need to get away from your mother, move out of the house, and start taking care of yourself. Yes, it is going to be scary and mean breaking out of your comfort zone, but what other options do you have? Do you want to remain miserable?

[Inflikted]

Well, at face value, no, I don't want to continue being miserable. But, I suspect that some part of me feels that I deserve to be miserable, or worse yet, actually ENJOYS being miserable, in some kind of "masochistic" way.

 

I'm not really sure how to fight that part of me off, because the part of me that's miserable is suffering and hurting, but at the same time, the part of me that feels I SHOULD be miserable derives some form of pleasure from the experience. It's... weird.

 

I don't mean to "make excuses". But I know myself. I know what I will and won't do, I know how I'll react to things, I know what actions I will or won't take in situations. On one hand, a part of me deep down wants so badly to still believe there's some hope for me, but on the other hand, every other part of me is fully convinced that there's no hope for me and any efforts whatsoever are completely futile and worthless. It's a horrible inner conflict, and I'm sure it makes some of my words seem very contradictory.

 

Overall, I just feel weak. In every manner of the word. I'm simply not fit to be alive in this world, to be honest.

[Inflikted]

*sigh* I hate the fact that I have trouble falling asleep because I can't stop thinking about my troubles. I'm just laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, but my head just keeps thinking about everything I don't have, everything I can't have, the bleak future ahead of me... And I just can't get to sleep. This is what happens every night...