Erasing the desire for human companionship?

[hotpotato]

That's one thing that especially concerns me about dating; personally, I REALLY dislike children, and at the moment, I hope to never have any, myself. The thing is, the later it takes me to date, the more likely that my potential "dating pool" will mostly comprise of women who have children, and I don't want any part of that.

 

Not to mention, even if I luck out and find someone without that "baggage" in the next few years, the topic of children is likely to come up fairly quickly, given that most people generally start having kids and developing their families in their 30s. I suppose if the right girl came along, I *might* reconsider my whole "not having kids" plan, but it bothers me that I'd likely only have a couple of years to really mull that over, rather than having spent my 20s having a fun, happy life with a nice girl. I don't want to meet someone, date them for 1.5-2 years, get married, then immediately start popping out kids. If I have to have kids at all, I'd rather be with said woman for several years before that starts to come up, but given how long it's taking me to even date, I fear I'll no longer have that time with someone, due to "biological clocks" and whatnot.

 

I live in a small town, so people start poppin them out at 16 lol.

 

On a completely different note, I've started to realize a new, somewhat odd pet peeve of mine. And that is, well, it kind of annoys me now when someone gives me any kind of compliment. I guess it's mainly the nature of the compliment. I have two particular compliments in mind.

 

The first is one people have generally told me throughout my life, and I've even heard it on forums like these (actually, I think one or two people may have even said it in this very topic). And that compliment is that I'm "intelligent". The reason that bugs me is because that can't possibly be true. If I were truly "intelligent", why would I not have figured out how to have the best possible life for myself? If I were intelligent, why am I a 26 year old cashier, and not doing something bigger and better with my life? If I were intelligent, why haven't I been able to use said intelligence to help me figure out how to meet and connect with people, and have relationships with people?

 

The other is something I hear less frequently, because it has more to do with romantic pursuits, and those are extremely seldom. But it comes to mind right now, because I recently heard it from someone I decided to try to contact via a dating site. I wasn't super interested in this person, but I occasionally pop on a dating site or two and try to cast out a net, so to speak, and see what happens. Usually nothing. Anyway, this woman, in particular, rejected me because I just wasn't her type, though she and I briefly continued to write each other just for the heck of it. During this exchange, she conveyed to me many times that I was very sweet.

 

I've heard that, in one way or another, from other such girls I had tried to write to online, as well as the one girl I pursued romantically in person. But it's like... if I'm so "sweet", then why am I not worth connecting with? Furthermore, while I always liked to think of myself as a sensitive, gentle soul that was, indeed, a very sweet person, I've become such a bitter, resentful, sad, angry person over the years, that I can't imagine there's really any trace of that past "vision" of myself left.

 

In other words, I guess I'm annoyed at certain compliments because A) I don't feel they're really true, and because B) they seem to be given in a "You're <insert good quality>, but..." kind of way. If the people that gave me said compliments really felt that way about me, then why would they not want to pursue a further friendship or relationship? If I were even half the good things people say about me, I wouldn't have the life I have right now. If I were smart, if I were "sweet", if I were any kind of good person, I'd have found better career opportunities for myself at this point, I'd have friends and connections, I'd probably have had at least one or two meaningful romantic relationships. But that's simply not the case.

 

I can really relate to this. I've gotten the whole you're so nice thing before. It's taken me awhile to figure out that's not really a compliment. :/

 

No, nothing like that.

 

I think my upbringing, specifically my parents' relationship, as well as the way my mother conditioned me, have drastically warped my thinking, though. My mom kind of brainwashed me as a kid to be fearful of people, not to trust people, and that she was the only "friend" I could really count on. I don't feel those things towards people nowadays, of course, but that was a major reason I was very timid to socialize with anyone at all when I was a kid.

 

On top of that, it occurred to me a number of years ago that my mother is extremely mentally/ emotionally abusive towards my father. I didn't think anything of it as a kid, because I just thought that's how relationships worked, but looking back, my mom has always been very critical of my dad, and she's even said derogatory things about him to me directly, behind his back. She was also "cheating" on him with old boyfriends, and I frequently spied on her private phone conversations she had with them, and heard her say things like she regrets marrying my father, and that she wishes she wasn't married so that she could "have sex with as many guys as she wants", and all kinds of nasty ridiculous stuff.

 

I really despise my mother now, though she doesn't know that I know any of this, and I never had the heart to tell my dad, because it would just kill him. Being that I still live at home and don't want not only trouble for myself, but trouble in their relationship, I just pretend everything is a-okay with my mom.

 

So, there's really no "abuse", per se, but my upbringing and general family life is pretty sad and sometimes stressful.

 

I could write a lot of what you said. My mom also cooped me up. Even to this day she tries to keep me as her 'friend.'

 

I live at home,too, but I try to make the most of it. Finally, at 27, I've decided to follow my dreams. Hopefully, that will bring in so more cash. Also, I figure that when I move out I'll have a clean slate, and I can go from parent's house directly to my own house instead of renting.

[Inflikted]

I just wish I could do... something. I'm so miserable all the time, every single day, and I've been in this state for years. I don't know what to do with myself, at this point. I'm so ready for it to all just end. I wish I could just be at rest, and out of my misery, once and for all. It's so hard to trudge through life like this anymore.

[AVarma]

I just wish I could do... something. I'm so miserable all the time, every single day, and I've been in this state for years. I don't know what to do with myself, at this point. I'm so ready for it to all just end. I wish I could just be at rest, and out of my misery, once and for all. It's so hard to trudge through life like this anymore.

 

Dude stop talking crazy! Suicide isn't the answer! Get a grip!

[Inflikted]

Dude stop talking crazy! Suicide isn't the answer! Get a grip!

 

Yeah, no, I didn't mean it that way, per se, I just... I can't stand how miserable I am all day, every day, and that's the life I'm stuck with. Just want it to be over with.

[AVarma]

Yeah, no, I didn't mean it that way, per se, I just... I can't stand how miserable I am all day, every day, and that's the life I'm stuck with. Just want it to be over with.

 

Hey man I feel ya. I think it would help to make some goals for yourself and try to reach them. For me I've made it my goal to lose weight so that I can play sports. Right now I'm obese. I'm hoping to get to overweight in a few weeks and normal weight by the summer.

 

I've actually already made some progress and it's helped me feel better about myself. I'm not going to say it's removed all my insecurities but I have to admit when I get on a weighing machine and see my weight lower I feel pretty damn good.

 

Maybe you should find an area of your life that is deficient and work towards fixing it.

[Inflikted]

Hey man I feel ya. I think it would help to make some goals for yourself and try to reach them. For me I've made it my goal to lose weight so that I can play sports. Right now I'm obese. I'm hoping to get to overweight in a few weeks and normal weight by the summer.

 

I've actually already made some progress and it's helped me feel better about myself. I'm not going to say it's removed all my insecurities but I have to admit when I get on a weighing machine and see my weight lower I feel pretty damn good.

 

Maybe you should find an area of your life that is deficient and work towards fixing it.

 

Sure, but the only deficient areas of my life that I can really see are the ones I'm feeling miserable about; the lack of a social life, the lack of a love life, the inability to get a career started. There's not really anything else I care about that I could use as a goal to work towards, or anything like that.

[AVarma]

Sure, but the only deficient areas of my life that I can really see are the ones I'm feeling miserable about; the lack of a social life, the lack of a love life, the inability to get a career started. There's not really anything else I care about that I could use as a goal to work towards, or anything like that.

 

I seriously doubt that. Look man I know how you feel. I know how soul-crushing it can be. Looking at guys get girls. I mean even the girl next door types will probably judge a virgin negatively. Women will date players, alcoholics, and felons but they won't date virgins. It sucks. It sometimes brings me to tears but I mean we can't give up! You just got to keep pushing.

 

For me personally I'm hoping to lose weight so that I can start playing sports and maybe meet some girls. I'm tired of being the loser who's still a virgin.

 

I'm sure there is something about you you can improve that can help you meet your goals.

Edited January 19, 2015 by AVarma

[Inflikted]

I'm sure there is something about you you can improve that can help you meet your goals.

 

Not that I can think of, unfortunately. Like I said, there really isn't anything I care about enough or have any real interest in to set as a "goal" for myself.

[Leticia]

OP, try to join a local club, like a fishing club, sports club or a book club (depending on what you like) or take a class at a local college. You're a cashier? I know you don't like it when people say this to you but you do sound very smart. Do you have a college degree? If so, go back, just try something different. I'm a busy student but I found some time and took an art class just for fun and met some really interesting people. Take an art class, an acting class, something fun where you can meet cool people. Don't worry about starting friendships, just go into it wanting to learn the new skill, focus on that not on the people, the connections will happen naturally.

[Inflikted]

OP, try to join a local club, like a fishing club, sports club or a book club (depending on what you like) or take a class at a local college. You're a cashier? I know you don't like it when people say this to you but you do sound very smart. Do you have a college degree? If so, go back, just try something different. I'm a busy student but I found some time and took an art class just for fun and met some really interesting people. Take an art class, an acting class, something fun where you can meet cool people. Don't worry about starting friendships, just go into it wanting to learn the new skill, focus on that not on the people, the connections will happen naturally.

 

I'm done with school, yes. Thing about taking classes is, I've never connected with anyone via any of the past classes I took at all. And I floated around in college longer than some other people normally do, taking different classes and not really knowing what I wanted to do until much later on. But in all that time, and all the various people, I never "naturally" connected with anyone at all. Not to mention, there's really nothing off the top of my head that interests me enough to go take a class on.

 

Likewise, there's nothing that interests me enough to look for a local "club" to participate in.

 

I know I sound like I'm being difficult, and I don't mean to be, but... I mean, how can I get myself to do anything when my interest level in anything is nonexistent?

[hotpotato]

Well, maybe pick a random Meetup group and go!

Theres got to be something that interests you.

[Leticia]

The class was just a suggestion of a way to get you exposed to people in a not-so-hostile setting, so that you have a place to practice a care-free approach to social interaction. That's what you need to do, you need to stop thinking so much about talking to other people and spend more time actually doing it, and not expecting anything in return, not looking for approval, not looking for anything at all, just doing it. The more you think about it the harder it will be. Try to think about breathing constantly... in no time you'll start to think you're going to pass out. Just try it out.

[Inflikted]

Well, like I've been saying, I don't feel like I've had a lack of opportunity to meet people, as it is, and honestly, I wouldn't say that I've gotten too "in my head" about connecting, either.

 

I've had plenty of chances to meet people as it is, so taking a class or going to a meet up, or whatever, won't really make a difference, because I've been around people plenty over the years. That's not the problem.

 

As for thinking about it, it's not so much that I psych myself out or anything. When I'm around people, I just feel indifferent and borderline annoyance at them, and I don't really "care". What upsets me is, well, that; the fact that I don't care, the fact that I have no interest in anyone.

[WonderKid]

You're becoming jaded and cynical. Which isn't bad. That's what happen when you take both the Red Pill and Blue Pill.I am the same myself. See in my last recent breakup, I realized something inevitable.

She was 23 and I am 25. She wanted kids and the married life. I didn't. Now I am seeing where I fit in the dating scheme. I am 25. By now I should have a career and have a mindset on settling down. I "should" want kids or at least thinking of them.

 

Women my age are thinking about that. And because I am not, there's not likely I will find a GF. Because they will be looking for a guy that wants to have kids. Why stay with me if that's the case?

And I continue to attract the wrong kind of women: BBW's, crazies, or single moms. Nearly every "right woman" has a kid. I've come to the conclusion that I will be a bachelor until I am at least in my mid 30's. I am being realistic.

Unless I find a diamond in the rough. But at my age it is unlikely, unless I come into a great career with great income. Seems like I am only good to have sex with. And if you keep doing that, you'll create a void. You don't want that.

 

I always think about companionship but I don't let it determine my ways of life. When it's all said and done I only have myself, my pride, and family. And God if I include him.

 

It's funny because I used to complain that a woman won't date me because I don't have a car--but I am getting one very soon. But now I see, at 25, once a woman figures out I don't want The Whole Nine Yards, I'll be undesirable yet again. It's like the dating fates are laughing in my face. But oh well. I can honestly say I don't care for dating like I used to at my early 20's and stuff. Right now I just could care less. But how long will that happen?

[Inflikted]

You're becoming jaded and cynical. Which isn't bad. That's what happen when you take both the Red Pill and Blue Pill.I am the same myself. See in my last recent breakup, I realized something inevitable.

She was 23 and I am 25. She wanted kids and the married life. I didn't. Now I am seeing where I fit in the dating scheme. I am 25. By now I should have a career and have a mindset on settling down. I "should" want kids or at least thinking of them.

 

Women my age are thinking about that. And because I am not, there's not likely I will find a GF. Because they will be looking for a guy that wants to have kids. Why stay with me if that's the case?

And I continue to attract the wrong kind of women: BBW's, crazies, or single moms. Nearly every "right woman" has a kid. I've come to the conclusion that I will be a bachelor until I am at least in my mid 30's. I am being realistic.

Unless I find a diamond in the rough. But at my age it is unlikely, unless I come into a great career with great income. Seems like I am only good to have sex with. And if you keep doing that, you'll create a void. You don't want that.

 

I always think about companionship but I don't let it determine my ways of life. When it's all said and done I only have myself, my pride, and family. And God if I include him.

 

It's funny because I used to complain that a woman won't date me because I don't have a car--but I am getting one very soon. But now I see, at 25, once a woman figures out I don't want The Whole Nine Yards, I'll be undesirable yet again. It's like the dating fates are laughing in my face. But oh well. I can honestly say I don't care for dating like I used to at my early 20's and stuff. Right now I just could care less. But how long will that happen?

 

At least you've been able to date and have sex, and whatnot. That's more of a connection with someone than I've ever been able to have, and probably ever will have. I'm not worth even considering for a second to be anything to anyone. I'd rather have relationships and breakups and life experiences with people than to be completely devoid of any kind of meaningful human connection.

[eye of the storm]

infikted, I went thru a major depressive time. I went on anti-depressants, took some "discounted" therapy, and worked my butt off. I got better, the doc weaned me off the meds slowly so it wouldn't destabilize me and I continued to practice what my therapist had told me to work on. Years later I still continue some of the exercises.

 

I got better. I love life and because of that, people want to be around me.

 

But I wanted to get better. I CHOSE to get better.

 

You are choosing to stay the same and complain about it.

 

Nothing will get better until you CHOSE to do something about it.

 

I said I don't like living like this and so I am going to do something about it. You say I don't like living like this so I am going to do nothing and then cry that nothing is better.

 

My therapist gave me alot of homework because I couldn't afford many visits. I did the homework because I wanted to be better.

 

I didn't want to take meds but I swallowed them every day because I wanted to be better.

 

I didn't like what I was doing with my life so I sucked up the pain and did something else.

 

Every suggestion you have gotten has been a good one.

 

You have nothing but excuses.

 

What have excuses ever gotten you? Nothing. Have they ever helped you? No

 

Stop making excuses. Start making different choices because the ones you are making now are destroying you.

 

Another suggestion, move out. Living with your parents gives you more reasons to have excuses. Living on your own will force you to fight for survival more and with less time on your hands and more productive activities (like maybe a second job to pay for your therapy and additional bills) you will have to get out of your own head and back into the real world.

 

You can do this. But only if you chose to. good luck

[aggie382]

Ergo, I want to rid myself of these desires completely. I want to be able to say "I don't want friends, I don't want a significant other", and mean it. I don't want even the tiniest inkling of desire for these things. I want to no longer feel any kind of sexual urges or arousal, as well. I want it all gone, for good.

 

And please, can we skip the "Humans are social creatures by instinct" and "Anything can happen, never say never" discussions? I can say I believe with 100% certainty that I will never have these things in my life. There is no question about that. It's not up for debate.

 

I don't think you can, and despite your protests, I don't think you should try to erase those desires from your consciousness.

[aggie382]

At least you've been able to date and have sex, and whatnot. That's more of a connection with someone than I've ever been able to have, and probably ever will have. I'm not worth even considering for a second to be anything to anyone. I'd rather have relationships and breakups and life experiences with people than to be completely devoid of any kind of meaningful human connection.

 

You are or will be something great to someone. It might not happen when you want it to, we're all impatient. But it will happen.

 

And this post contradicts your first. You do want relationships and breakups and everything in between! You don't want to be devoid!

[hotpotato]

The class was just a suggestion of a way to get you exposed to people in a not-so-hostile setting, so that you have a place to practice a care-free approach to social interaction. That's what you need to do, you need to stop thinking so much about talking to other people and spend more time actually doing it, and not expecting anything in return, not looking for approval, not looking for anything at all, just doing it. The more you think about it the harder it will be. Try to think about breathing constantly... in no time you'll start to think you're going to pass out. Just try it out.

 

^^^This^^^

[Inflikted]

infikted, I went thru a major depressive time. I went on anti-depressants, took some "discounted" therapy, and worked my butt off. I got better, the doc weaned me off the meds slowly so it wouldn't destabilize me and I continued to practice what my therapist had told me to work on. Years later I still continue some of the exercises.

 

I got better. I love life and because of that, people want to be around me.

 

But I wanted to get better. I CHOSE to get better.

 

You are choosing to stay the same and complain about it.

 

Nothing will get better until you CHOSE to do something about it.

 

I said I don't like living like this and so I am going to do something about it. You say I don't like living like this so I am going to do nothing and then cry that nothing is better.

 

My therapist gave me alot of homework because I couldn't afford many visits. I did the homework because I wanted to be better.

 

I didn't want to take meds but I swallowed them every day because I wanted to be better.

 

I didn't like what I was doing with my life so I sucked up the pain and did something else.

 

Every suggestion you have gotten has been a good one.

 

You have nothing but excuses.

 

What have excuses ever gotten you? Nothing. Have they ever helped you? No

 

Stop making excuses. Start making different choices because the ones you are making now are destroying you.

 

Another suggestion, move out. Living with your parents gives you more reasons to have excuses. Living on your own will force you to fight for survival more and with less time on your hands and more productive activities (like maybe a second job to pay for your therapy and additional bills) you will have to get out of your own head and back into the real world.

 

You can do this. But only if you chose to. good luck

 

Yeah, and see, that's the problem, or at least part of it, is that I've hit a point where I feel no sense of faith or hope for something better. Over time, I've lost any and all motivation to do anything, because I believe so deeply, at this point, that there's no hope for me.

 

Maybe I'm just generally weak. Maybe my issues have persisted for so long that they've "broken" me too much. But I just feel no sense of hope or faith or belief, and I believe everything is for naught.

 

As for moving out, I don't mean to "make excuses", but my line of thinking is as follows: I don't make nearly enough money to afford it, and while you suggest getting a second job, the reality is that it's not quite as easy to just get a job as many of us wish it were. Furthermore, even if I got another job, I'd most likely have to take a low level job that I would hate, that would also pay me very little. I'm already so fed up with customer service with my current job that I'm ready to tear the hair out of my head; if I had two such jobs at the same time, doing 40-60 hours a week, I think I'd want to kill myself.

 

You are or will be something great to someone. It might not happen when you want it to, we're all impatient. But it will happen.

 

And this post contradicts your first. You do want relationships and breakups and everything in between! You don't want to be devoid!

 

Does it, though? I don't deny having those desires, what I want is to kill those desires, so that I can properly make peace with an isolated life.

[Leticia]

I'm not sure if you've mentions this already, but what is your history with women? What's the closest you've been to having a real relationship with another woman? Have you ever been emotionally attached to another woman, with or without being in an actual relationship? Have you been rejected by a lot of women? What about friendships?

[Winterina]

I dislike people, I feel no attachment to anyone, I have no empathy or sympathy towards people, .

 

These are traits of a sociopath.

[Inflikted]

These are traits of a sociopath.

 

Yes, I know, that's something that bothers me and scares me as well.

[Inflikted]

I'm not sure if you've mentions this already, but what is your history with women? What's the closest you've been to having a real relationship with another woman? Have you ever been emotionally attached to another woman, with or without being in an actual relationship? Have you been rejected by a lot of women? What about friendships?

 

I have no real history at all. I've only been on one "date", with someone I had met online. Wasn't that attached to her online or anything, but the "date" was dreadfully boring and I hated it.

 

I've never "liked" anyone on a dating site, but I occasionally try to write some people on them to cast a net, though almost none ever respond.

 

I did have very strong feelings for a girl I knew a couple years ago, but she didn't want to be with me, and I had trouble dealing with the rejection, which pushed her away and made me feel even worse.

 

As for platonic pursuits, I just find that people seem disinterested in me, and I never know how to make them want to include me in their lives. There was a brief period years ago where I thought I was getting in with a group of people, and they were occasionally including me in their outings, but it seemed to fizzle out really quickly, and they stopped caring and left me behind. Me, not knowing how to properly pursue friendship, started acting goofy and desperate, and that seemed to exacerbate their disinterest in me.

[Leticia]

Are you close with anyone? Family members?