Erasing the desire for human companionship?

[Inflikted]

Well, you're smart enough to know what you need, that's half the battle won but whether you want to win the war and follow through on this knowledge, who knows!

 

Do I really "know what I need", though? I can only assume you're referring to "professional help". And I completely understand that it sounds like I'm being dismissive and making excuses, but my line of logic is dictated more by "can't" than it is by "won't".

 

Like I said, I don't have a good enough income nor good enough health insurance to be able to cover the costs of professional help. Are there cheaper, more cost-friendly alternatives? Possibly. But again, "you get what you pay for", and considering everything I know about myself, I'm pretty sure I'd need the most top-of-the-line "professional help" to even make even the slightest bit of progress on my screwed up head. And I can't afford that.

 

And for the sake of discussion, let's say I did have unlimited resources available to invest in "professional help". I don't even know how to motivate myself, anymore, to even make the first step in that direction. I already don't believe it'll work, and I'm biased against it, and I don't know how to get myself to throw those notions away and be open to it.

 

I just... I want to be normal, I want to be self-sufficient. I don't want to have to depend on a therapist every time I feel bad about my life. How do "normal" people do it? It always seems like when "normal" people are going through tough times, there's some light at the end of the tunnel, and things work out for them eventually. But me, I've been going through this stuff my whole life, and there's never any "light at the end of the tunnel". It's always just the same thoughts and feelings, the same scenarios, the same outcomes, over and over and over again. Nothing ever works itself out, my life never has any "random chance occurrences" that present me with new opportunities. The majority of other people out there in the world are able to make lives for themselves that they can be happy with, and when they go through tough times, they work it out on their own. Why can't I do that? Why can't I be one of those people?

[A O]

Do I really "know what I need", though? I can only assume you're referring to "professional help".

Yep, one thing is for sure here - you're an intelligent man.

 

Like I said, I don't have a good enough income nor good enough health insurance to be able to cover the costs of professional help. Are there cheaper, more cost-friendly alternatives?

This is sad, sorry, but I forgot that not every country has access to some form of free healthcare like my own.

 

I don't even know how to motivate myself, anymore, to even make the first step in that direction. I already don't believe it'll work, and I'm biased against it, and I don't know how to get myself to throw those notions away and be open to it.

Well, you're here, you're reaching out, I think that is a first step in of itself. But from my point of view,when an issue has gotten well past my capability then the only thing I can suggest is professional help.

 

I just... I want to be normal, I want to be self-sufficient.

There are many people that will never be normal for whatever reason. Again, one way to deal with this harsh reality is to learn to accept yourself and your lot in life. This doesn't mean that it will always be this way, it just helps alleviate, somewhat, the constant beating up of oneself and sometimes, of the outside world also.

 

As for being self-sufficient, that's a big deal for sure but I have noticed that a lot of people in this world are not as self-sufficient as they outwardly appear to be.

 

I don't want to have to depend on a therapist every time I feel bad about my life.

Most people depend on someone or something whenever they feel bad. Some of the things I use include music and TV, movies and reading material. Others, use more destructive forces like drugs and alcohol. But yeah, we all depend on something.

 

But me, I've been going through this stuff my whole life, and there's never any "light at the end of the tunnel". It's always just the same thoughts and feelings, the same scenarios, the same outcomes, over and over and over again. Nothing ever works itself out, my life never has any "random chance occurrences" that present me with new opportunities.

One of the things a professional would do is help you alter your thought patterns into something, well, at a guess, less destructive. This in turn will ease how you think of yourself and the world at large. Well, I'm about at the limit of my knowledge here. May music touch your soul.

[todreaminblue]

It "drives me mad", though, to constantly be around people but be completely incapable of connecting with them, while observing them have their own friendships and romantic pursuits. Often times, I feel like I'm just a "ghost" floating along, seeing everyone connect with each other, while being unable to take part in that, myself, and it really upsets me.

 

 

 

Right, that's what I'm saying. I don't want to bother with therapy because I know I can't get myself into the right mindset for it. I know I should think about it the way you described, but that's not how I actually approach it.

 

 

 

Sad as it sounds, the only "friends" I've had over the last 14-15 years are online forums and stuff that pertain to my interests. The problem is, it seems like such forums are frequently bogged down with "trolls" and other obnoxious people that just try to rile everyone else up, and after a decade-and-a-half of that being my only real human connection, I'm just exhausted from that, and I'm losing the interest to even connect with people online because of it.

 

 

 

I have no idea. I just... I'm so miserable, all of the time, and I just want it all to go away, but I can't get away from it. I fear that it will eventually drive me somewhere dark, somewhere I can't "come back" from, and that scares me.

 

I read somewhere and i have read this fact in more than one source....that the people who make the best friends are the ones that have lived life without friendship at one point in their life or another........

 

one thing if you ever have a relationship you will value and appreciate the person you are with ....not saying others wouldnt given any circumstance they are in, but you , i am talking about here will value and appreciate a relationship for the light it brings into your world.....for all the time it took for you to have that relationship....

 

so what to do while you are waiting.......when i was a kid i craved friendship......didnt have any...i was isolated from other kids due to personal history....you wouldnt really know it though......no one would have know because i didntshow my heart to anyone... bar for the teachers who caught glimpses of how others treated me.........I didnt talk about it.i never really retaliated i would just put my head down and pray forit to be over.........i had my family which was a blessing and i had teachers good teachers who cared......what i did was join everything....anything and everything i could join to help another i did it....bikeathons fund raising girl guides, ses, part time job after school local volunteer radio station, baby sitting for families...... and i worked....and worked and worked.....till i burnt out......i had outlets all over the place......i had boundless energy...i just took on too much.....eventually i made a friend in high school and she joined with me in volunteer things i was doing ...weezy...smilin.......she didnt give a crap what others said about me......she was my goofy friend.....we could be goofy together......

 

relationships come when they are meant to come to you .......people will pass in and out fo your life...but not if you arent living it.......you have to go out there..be out there...and love it.....so what you havent got a partner yet.....so what others have.....i find that helping others gives perspective....that your life is not as bad as it seems......the worse times fro me are at night ...when its still.....and i want to share my thoughts with someone special to me to be in sync with a lover and a friend......and one day i might have that again.....one thing i know is that i will appreciate and value that person i am with......because i know what its like to not have them around.......give yourself time....and fill in your time with things that help others....get out and see the other side.......to be grateful for what you have

 

watch this.....

 

 

 

come on here talk and chat share your thoughts dreams hopes and wishes...never give up..you will get there...where you are supposed to be with whom you are supposed to be with.....(((hugs to ya)))))...deb

[Inflikted]

I read somewhere and i have read this fact in more than one source....that the people who make the best friends are the ones that have lived life without friendship at one point in their life or another........

 

one thing if you ever have a relationship you will value and appreciate the person you are with ....not saying others wouldnt given any circumstance they are in, but you , i am talking about here will value and appreciate a relationship for the light it brings into your world.....for all the time it took for you to have that relationship....

 

That's a lovely thought, I admit. I wonder, though, could that not also be considered clinginess? In my personal experience, the very few times I have felt something for a person, my feelings led to me behaving in such a way that drove the other person away.

 

Yes, in theory, someone who "feels" something for another person rarely should have a better appreciation for that person and said feelings. Unfortunately, someone like myself can't properly handle those feelings, and I become weird, creepy, obsessive, and whatnot. And understandably, nobody wants a person like that in their life.

[pteromom]

I've been trying to "change" the way my mind works for a long time, to no avail. I'm just so frustrated having these feelings and desires, and having to just be forever on the outside looking in. Like I said, I've gotten to a point now where I just constantly feel miserable, and nothing truly takes my mind off of it. There's no reprieve, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. u_u

 

Have you thought about just voluntarily going to an inpatient program? Let them run all the scans and tests and help you get a diagnosis and treatment plan?

 

You don't have to trust the process. You don't have to trust the doctors. You only have to say "Eff it. Nothing can be worse than this" and just let yourself fall off the cliff and see what happens.

 

What do you have to lose?

[Inflikted]

Have you thought about just voluntarily going to an inpatient program? Let them run all the scans and tests and help you get a diagnosis and treatment plan?

 

You don't have to trust the process. You don't have to trust the doctors. You only have to say "Eff it. Nothing can be worse than this" and just let yourself fall off the cliff and see what happens.

 

What do you have to lose?

 

I'm not really sure what that means, how that works, or what the process would entail. I don't even really "have" a doctor, nor have I even really been to one since I was a kid. I dislike doctor's offices and hospitals, and honestly, the idea of different "scans" and "tests" really kinda freak me out.

[hotpotato]

At least you want companionship. I could see myself being a hermit who dies alone and no one discovers my body for 3 years.

[Inflikted]

At least you want companionship. I could see myself being a hermit who dies alone and no one discovers my body for 3 years.

 

Well, that's what I see as my most likely scenario, as well. I don't know whether or not you, personally, would be fine with that outcome, but I've not been able to make peace with that being the direction my life is headed.

 

It's such a horrible feeling, to want something so badly, more than anything in life, but to know you'll never be able to attain it, and to have to live out the next 3-4 decades being miserable because of it.

[pteromom]

I'm not really sure what that means, how that works, or what the process would entail. I don't even really "have" a doctor, nor have I even really been to one since I was a kid. I dislike doctor's offices and hospitals, and honestly, the idea of different "scans" and "tests" really kinda freak me out.

 

I understand that. But what if they found that you had a severe deficiency in a certain nutrient. And that simply by taking a supplement, you could see the sun again? It happens.

 

What if the main cause of your pain is something that can be easily fixed?

 

You don't know unless you try.

 

Do you have someone in your life who could help you look into some place to get checked out?

[verhrzn]

It's such a horrible feeling, to want something so badly, more than anything in life, but to know you'll never be able to attain it, and to have to live out the next 3-4 decades being miserable because of it.

 

Okay so I completely get having such intense desires for companionship, and also feeling rather hopeless. Been there myself.

 

But at the same time, I gotta ask... You want this really, really badly and yet aren't willing to even entertain being open with therapy? Having anti-anxiety/depression medication as a "crutch" is somehow worse than 3-4 decades of misery? You feel you'll never be able to attain it, but also seem to not be open to ideas or suggestions of things to try?

 

It is absolutely valid to draw certain boundaries, to say "I will not do this." You absolutely get to make that decision for yourself. But don't you feel it's a little disingenuous to say you want something "so badly"?

 

Forgive me, but I just don't fully understand this mindset. You write in a way that sounds haggard and hopeless, but I guess I don't see why it's so completely hopeless. I'm not going to say "Never say never", but I am going to say "You actually have to put some effort in to get some things in life." Apologies if I've missed it, but what sort of effort have you put in? Why are you going to the extreme of wanting to rid yourself of these desires... why are you jumping right into hopelessness?

[Inflikted]

I understand that. But what if they found that you had a severe deficiency in a certain nutrient. And that simply by taking a supplement, you could see the sun again? It happens.

 

What if the main cause of your pain is something that can be easily fixed?

 

You don't know unless you try.

 

What are the odds of that, though? Probably not very good, I'm guessing. Especially with how long it's been festering.

 

Do you have someone in your life who could help you look into some place to get checked out?

 

No.

 

Okay so I completely get having such intense desires for companionship, and also feeling rather hopeless. Been there myself.

 

But at the same time, I gotta ask... You want this really, really badly and yet aren't willing to even entertain being open with therapy? Having anti-anxiety/depression medication as a "crutch" is somehow worse than 3-4 decades of misery? You feel you'll never be able to attain it, but also seem to not be open to ideas or suggestions of things to try?

 

It is absolutely valid to draw certain boundaries, to say "I will not do this." You absolutely get to make that decision for yourself. But don't you feel it's a little disingenuous to say you want something "so badly"?

 

Forgive me, but I just don't fully understand this mindset. You write in a way that sounds haggard and hopeless, but I guess I don't see why it's so completely hopeless. I'm not going to say "Never say never", but I am going to say "You actually have to put some effort in to get some things in life." Apologies if I've missed it, but what sort of effort have you put in? Why are you going to the extreme of wanting to rid yourself of these desires... why are you jumping right into hopelessness?

 

I guess it's a combination of a lot of things. For one, as I mentioned previously, I want to be able to attain and have the things I want like any "normal" person. And again, most people get by without therapy or medication, or anything like that. I want to be like that. Call it pride, or stubbornness, or whatever, but part of me just wants to be "normal".

 

Aside from that, I just can't really see correlation between "professional help" and having the life I want to have. In my mind, I see a therapist just being someone I'd vent to, but not really heed advice from, much like you guys say I do to all of you, here on this forum. Maybe meds would have some kind of hormonal effect, I don't know. But I just can't see therapy or meds or anything like that being able to actually change the way I think, change the way my mind works, change how I see things and change everything. My belief is that my mind will continue to work the way that it does regardless of whether or not I pursue these things. And that is because I am the only person that can truly change any of those things. But my mind is "old" and set in its ways. I've been unable to change anything about the way my mind works for several years. To a degree, I've accepted that the way my mind is is just... it.

 

I don't see a contradiction between what I want and what I'm willing to do. I think anyone is perfectly capable of wanting something regardless of what they're willing to do. My perception is that the average person is able to have the things I want without needing professional help to get them. The things I want the most are things that are relatively normal and even mundane to the average person.

 

You ask what effort I've put in. The thing is, I've been around people my entire life, in one way or another. Be they through school, work, or any other means. And many times, I've tried forcing myself to connect with them. I've tried forcing myself to try to start and maintain discussions. I've tried forcing myself to find commonalities to bond over. I've tried forcing myself to actually care about and "like" the people around me. It's true, I have no big grand gestures to point to as evidence, but the effort I've made is simply to try to act like a "normal" person. To try to connect with people like any "normal" person would.

[bachdude]

I think the first order of business is to take care of your severe depression. And yes, medication can help tremendously.

 

 

Once you have your depression under control, you may find your outlook is more positive and you may be more optimistic about therapy.

 

 

Since you cannot afford psychiatric help, maybe start with your physician. They can prescribe anti depressants. Many times this is a big help.

 

 

Also, there are licensed therapists who have masters degrees, not PhDs, who are great and only charge $50/hr where I live. A PhD doesn't guarantee anything.

 

 

But start with your depression. Clearly you are severely depressed.

[hotpotato]

Okay so I completely get having such intense desires for companionship, and also feeling rather hopeless. Been there myself.

 

But at the same time, I gotta ask... You want this really, really badly and yet aren't willing to even entertain being open with therapy? Having anti-anxiety/depression medication as a "crutch" is somehow worse than 3-4 decades of misery? You feel you'll never be able to attain it, but also seem to not be open to ideas or suggestions of things to try?

 

 

Great question for the OP.

 

Do you really want to be social or do you just feel like you should be social? Do you work hard and make sacrifices to achieve other things you want?

[Inflikted]

Great question for the OP.

 

Do you really want to be social or do you just feel like you should be social? Do you work hard and make sacrifices to achieve other things you want?

 

I don't think it's a case of me thinking I "should" be anything, no. If that were the case, I think I'd probably have an easier time letting go and giving up on that completely, because I would realize that I didn't actually care about it for my own personal reasons.

 

I like to think I'd work hard and make sacrifices for things I want, although to be completely honest, there's not a whole lot I often "want" that really requires tons of effort and big sacrifices. So it's not something that really comes up often. I guess one good example is that from 2013 to 2014, when I focused my education, not only was I forced to find a way to pay for it completely out of my pocket, but I believed in it so much that I put all my effort into not just the class work, but even pushing myself to get perfect attendance and whatnot. I'd say that took a bit of hard work and sacrifice.

[todreaminblue]

That's a lovely thought, I admit. I wonder, though, could that not also be considered clinginess? In my personal experience, the very few times I have felt something for a person, my feelings led to me behaving in such a way that drove the other person away.

 

Yes, in theory, someone who "feels" something for another person rarely should have a better appreciation for that person and said feelings. Unfortunately, someone like myself can't properly handle those feelings, and I become weird, creepy, obsessive, and whatnot. And understandably, nobody wants a person like that in their life.

 

 

I dont know inflikted about the clinginess thing....i know that if you look hard enough at anything you can find a negative.....i know that everyone has a different definition of clingy....what some find clingy others do not.....i know that from spending time alone without friends as a teen did not make me clingier.....i enjoyed my alone time as much as i enjoyed time with friends.....i know that it pushed me out to find others to help.....

 

its all to easy to label people...much too easy to make judgements on others you dotn know....its much to easy to say ok you need help there must be meds for that a pill an xray a brain scan you can have that will help you become a different person......

 

it comes down to this though......maybe there is no cure of who you are or who i am......or who anyone is...no cure for craving human companionship other than to have human companionship ...because you are meant to have human companionship......

 

do you wonder why you find it a beautiful thought or sentiment, what i wrote to you before? then do you wonder why you have to question the thought you find beautiful......because you are conditioned to look for the negative...not from your own perspective but from others perspectives...which really shouldnt count by the way...what matters is your perspective......especially here in this thread...it is about you.....

 

 

there is no negative in what i wrote ...there isnt meant to be a negative it is meant to inspire you inflikted....it was written for that purpose, it was written for you specifically and that purpose alone....i am the writer i wrote it and i know what i meant.......i wasnt writing what i wrote for another to pick apart...simply top inspire you....what others may think on what i wrote is irrelevant all that matters is your perspective....feel special yet?

 

 

you are special inflikted........we all are unique and wonderfully made......everyone with a different set of ideals and values and standards and ways of conducting themselves.and funnily enough we interconnect eventually with like minds all through our lives....because again we are meant too........how i conduct myself is i try to feel how another is feeling that keeps me on the short and narrow...i dont impose myself on people ......if people dont get what i am about they arent meant to.....friends will get me new or old.....

 

 

 

i dont need meds because i feel the need for human companionship....when i feel that need ....it needs to be recognized and like me you need only to get out there and connect any way you can....volunteer organisations and volunteering lead you to sympathetic and often enlightened individuals...........you are unique but what you feel isnt......people need people...anyone who tells you otherwise...is not being truthful..

 

 

 

walking alone for a time...gives you depth and allows you inner reflections that are priceless...doesnt mean you shouldnt get out now or soon and connect with others who will be understanding and also, as true to you as you are to them......hugs to ya inflikted...is that too clingy?...too bad....suffer.....smilin atcha..I hope i helped you see what i see............deb

Edited January 14, 2015 by todreaminblue

[Inflikted]

Yeah, I guess I hear what you're saying. But for as much "rejecting" I do, I feel like I'm "rejected" by everyone else, as well. So I can never really look at things from my own perspective, because from what I've seen, my own perspective is often irrelevant when it comes to connecting with people.

 

I understand (and want to believe in) the notions of "being yourself" and "not being someone different to appease other people". But when people convey to me, either through their actions or their words, that I'm not "good enough" for them, it seems pretty clear to me that my perception of anything doesn't really matter.

 

From peoples' perceptions, I'm not "interesting", I'm not "fun", I'm not "funny", etc. Granted, I try to be those things when I can. I don't go out of my way to not be those things. But for the most part, I'm just... not those things. And thus, I'm not someone people are receptive to. Which makes sense, I guess.

 

If my own perceptions had any merit or worth, I don't think I'd be alone right now, nor would I have spent my entire life alone.

[SycamoreCircle]

This may sound silly, but I would recommend to you two living things that can provide companionship: pets and plants.

 

I have the latter. And I've grown to love and care for my plants. I look at them each day and consider what they need. I've made mistakes in the past and accidentally hurt them but over time, I've gotten better.

 

Consider this small step.

 

Maybe by caring for something which is innocent and defenseless, some of your defensiveness will relax.

[Inflikted]

I actually have had various pets over the course of my life. Had a dog for 15 years that was pretty much my best friend. After he passed away, I got a new dog a couple years ago. I... basically care for my newer dog, but I don't feel as attached to him as I wish I did. He's a fine pet, but it's just not the same as it was with my old dog, and I can't stop making that comparison.

[Inflikted]

I have to say, also, that I think having worked in retail for the last almost seven years, that's turned my already bad feelings towards people even worse. I'm about to go on a rant today, because the last hour of my shift today just made me want to pull my hair out.

 

I'm so sick of taking attitude from customers for things that are out of my control, I'm sick of customers throwing little hissy fits and whining about things they feel entitled to, I'm sick of having to bend over backwards to appease customers and having to give them what they want just because they complained loudly enough, I'm sick of customers feeling the "rules" don't apply to them.

 

Nobody bends over backwards to make me happy. Nobody bends the rules to give me what I want. If I'm shopping or something, and something doesn't ring up the way I thought it would, or if something isn't in stock, or whatever, I don't throw hissy fits and give attitude to people that work there.

 

Back in the first half of my tenure in retail, I let it make me feel bad about myself, like I was just dirt to most of the customers I encountered, but nowadays, it just infuriates me the way people behave, and I'm so sick of having to deal with people like that.

 

Unfortunately, though, I don't really have any options. While I'd love to get a new job, getting my foot in the door for an entry level career position has proven nigh impossible for me thus far, and even if I just up and quit my current job, I'd have to just go work somewhere else where I'd be working with the general public (like another retail job, or food service, or something), and that wouldn't solve anything. So, until I can find some way to break into the industry of my choice, I'm stuck working a job that makes me hate people. Sadly, I think I'm doomed to be a retail "lifer"...

 

Today just turned out to be such a bad day in the end, for this kind of thing. I got out of work a couple of hours ago, but I'm still just fuming, sitting here, while I type this. And I know everyone "hates their job", and whatnot, but I just feel like this is such a toxic line of work for someone who already has a very negative view of people in general.

 

And it makes it harder for me to dispel my negative mindset towards people, because as much as I want to like people more, I end up encountering people almost every day that get me so riled up. True, the bad encounters are probably outweighed by the rest of the encounters, but it's the bad ones that really stand out the most and do the most "damage", so to speak. I'm just tired of it.

[Inflikted]

It's weird how certain things make me feel... So, I just heard from other family members that my teenage niece is apparently pregnant. Perhaps it's because I'm simply not that close with her, or perhaps it just goes to show how self absorbed I am, but all I can really think about is how someone who's so much younger than me has already experienced so much more connection and intimacy with other people than I ever have.

 

I mean, I guess it's obvious that plenty of teens and young adults are off mingling and having sex and whatever, but I guess I just never really thought a whole lot about it, until something like this hit so close to home.

 

Granted, I know getting pregnant will severely complicate and probably ruin major parts of her life, and I can't exactly say I'm "jealous" of that. It just bothers me that I'm so far "behind" in life, and that everyone around me is just leaving me in the dust, so to speak.

[hotpotato]

It's weird how certain things make me feel... So, I just heard from other family members that my teenage niece is apparently pregnant. Perhaps it's because I'm simply not that close with her, or perhaps it just goes to show how self absorbed I am, but all I can really think about is how someone who's so much younger than me has already experienced so much more connection and intimacy with other people than I ever have.

 

I mean, I guess it's obvious that plenty of teens and young adults are off mingling and having sex and whatever, but I guess I just never really thought a whole lot about it, until something like this hit so close to home.

 

Granted, I know getting pregnant will severely complicate and probably ruin major parts of her life, and I can't exactly say I'm "jealous" of that. It just bothers me that I'm so far "behind" in life, and that everyone around me is just leaving me in the dust, so to speak.

 

No advice, but I can relate. Most people in my age and younger are hitched or otherwise couple and have kids. Others are hitting major life milestones so much quicker and more easily than I am. I'm not even sure if I want kids, but still...

[Inflikted]

No advice, but I can relate. Most people in my age and younger are hitched or otherwise couple and have kids. Others are hitting major life milestones so much quicker and more easily than I am. I'm not even sure if I want kids, but still...

 

That's one thing that especially concerns me about dating; personally, I REALLY dislike children, and at the moment, I hope to never have any, myself. The thing is, the later it takes me to date, the more likely that my potential "dating pool" will mostly comprise of women who have children, and I don't want any part of that.

 

Not to mention, even if I luck out and find someone without that "baggage" in the next few years, the topic of children is likely to come up fairly quickly, given that most people generally start having kids and developing their families in their 30s. I suppose if the right girl came along, I *might* reconsider my whole "not having kids" plan, but it bothers me that I'd likely only have a couple of years to really mull that over, rather than having spent my 20s having a fun, happy life with a nice girl. I don't want to meet someone, date them for 1.5-2 years, get married, then immediately start popping out kids. If I have to have kids at all, I'd rather be with said woman for several years before that starts to come up, but given how long it's taking me to even date, I fear I'll no longer have that time with someone, due to "biological clocks" and whatnot.

 

On a completely different note, I've started to realize a new, somewhat odd pet peeve of mine. And that is, well, it kind of annoys me now when someone gives me any kind of compliment. I guess it's mainly the nature of the compliment. I have two particular compliments in mind.

 

The first is one people have generally told me throughout my life, and I've even heard it on forums like these (actually, I think one or two people may have even said it in this very topic). And that compliment is that I'm "intelligent". The reason that bugs me is because that can't possibly be true. If I were truly "intelligent", why would I not have figured out how to have the best possible life for myself? If I were intelligent, why am I a 26 year old cashier, and not doing something bigger and better with my life? If I were intelligent, why haven't I been able to use said intelligence to help me figure out how to meet and connect with people, and have relationships with people?

 

The other is something I hear less frequently, because it has more to do with romantic pursuits, and those are extremely seldom. But it comes to mind right now, because I recently heard it from someone I decided to try to contact via a dating site. I wasn't super interested in this person, but I occasionally pop on a dating site or two and try to cast out a net, so to speak, and see what happens. Usually nothing. Anyway, this woman, in particular, rejected me because I just wasn't her type, though she and I briefly continued to write each other just for the heck of it. During this exchange, she conveyed to me many times that I was very sweet.

 

I've heard that, in one way or another, from other such girls I had tried to write to online, as well as the one girl I pursued romantically in person. But it's like... if I'm so "sweet", then why am I not worth connecting with? Furthermore, while I always liked to think of myself as a sensitive, gentle soul that was, indeed, a very sweet person, I've become such a bitter, resentful, sad, angry person over the years, that I can't imagine there's really any trace of that past "vision" of myself left.

 

In other words, I guess I'm annoyed at certain compliments because A) I don't feel they're really true, and because B) they seem to be given in a "You're <insert good quality>, but..." kind of way. If the people that gave me said compliments really felt that way about me, then why would they not want to pursue a further friendship or relationship? If I were even half the good things people say about me, I wouldn't have the life I have right now. If I were smart, if I were "sweet", if I were any kind of good person, I'd have found better career opportunities for myself at this point, I'd have friends and connections, I'd probably have had at least one or two meaningful romantic relationships. But that's simply not the case.

[AVarma]

I guess a bit of both? I consider myself to have a "unique" reason because my inner thoughts and feelings are contradictory and don't make any logical sense. Basically, I've always craved human companionship so badly, but at the same time, I dislike people, I feel no attachment to anyone, I have no empathy or sympathy towards people, and I find people to be obnoxious, annoying, or whatever, to a point where I just have no interest in dealing with them if I don't have to.

 

I've basically always felt this way, this "contradictory" mentality. I'm completely incapable of connecting with people. I've tried forcing myself to connect, I've tried forcing myself to "like" people more, but I just can't get myself to do it.

 

Have you ever been abused? I ask because my father was abusive and it does sometimes make me feel the way you do, that nobody cares.

[Inflikted]

Have you ever been abused? I ask because my father was abusive and it does sometimes make me feel the way you do, that nobody cares.

 

No, nothing like that.

 

I think my upbringing, specifically my parents' relationship, as well as the way my mother conditioned me, have drastically warped my thinking, though. My mom kind of brainwashed me as a kid to be fearful of people, not to trust people, and that she was the only "friend" I could really count on. I don't feel those things towards people nowadays, of course, but that was a major reason I was very timid to socialize with anyone at all when I was a kid.

 

On top of that, it occurred to me a number of years ago that my mother is extremely mentally/ emotionally abusive towards my father. I didn't think anything of it as a kid, because I just thought that's how relationships worked, but looking back, my mom has always been very critical of my dad, and she's even said derogatory things about him to me directly, behind his back. She was also "cheating" on him with old boyfriends, and I frequently spied on her private phone conversations she had with them, and heard her say things like she regrets marrying my father, and that she wishes she wasn't married so that she could "have sex with as many guys as she wants", and all kinds of nasty ridiculous stuff.

 

I really despise my mother now, though she doesn't know that I know any of this, and I never had the heart to tell my dad, because it would just kill him. Being that I still live at home and don't want not only trouble for myself, but trouble in their relationship, I just pretend everything is a-okay with my mom.

 

So, there's really no "abuse", per se, but my upbringing and general family life is pretty sad and sometimes stressful.

[AVarma]

No, nothing like that.

 

I think my upbringing, specifically my parents' relationship, as well as the way my mother conditioned me, have drastically warped my thinking, though. My mom kind of brainwashed me as a kid to be fearful of people, not to trust people, and that she was the only "friend" I could really count on. I don't feel those things towards people nowadays, of course, but that was a major reason I was very timid to socialize with anyone at all when I was a kid.

 

On top of that, it occurred to me a number of years ago that my mother is extremely mentally/ emotionally abusive towards my father. I didn't think anything of it as a kid, because I just thought that's how relationships worked, but looking back, my mom has always been very critical of my dad, and she's even said derogatory things about him to me directly, behind his back. She was also "cheating" on him with old boyfriends, and I frequently spied on her private phone conversations she had with them, and heard her say things like she regrets marrying my father, and that she wishes she wasn't married so that she could "have sex with as many guys as she wants", and all kinds of nasty ridiculous stuff.

 

I really despise my mother now, though she doesn't know that I know any of this, and I never had the heart to tell my dad, because it would just kill him. Being that I still live at home and don't want not only trouble for myself, but trouble in their relationship, I just pretend everything is a-okay with my mom.

 

So, there's really no "abuse", per se, but my upbringing and general family life is pretty sad and sometimes stressful.

 

What she did was emotionally abusive. It may not have been physical but it doesn't mean it wasn't abuse. Just remember that.

 

I'm sorry about your mom. I've seen people who's lives don't go the way they were expecting and I've seen the bitterness associated with it. It's not a pretty sight.

 

There is really nothing you can do about it but get a job, move out, and live your life.

 

I actually can relate to your mom a little. I missed out on all the sex, hooking up and partying in high school, college, and early 20's and now most of those people are now getting married and settling down and I'm still in the "I want to bang a hot girl" phase. I try to control but I do feel bitter on occasion. It literally burns me sometimes looking at these young attractive college and high school girls, knowing that they're sexually active and that I'll never know what it's like to have sex at that age when everybody else was.

 

But as I said at some point you just move on and accept that there is nothing you can do about it. Some people can't and get bitter and sadly you just have to let them be.

 

One more thing I forgot to mention, I don't think erasing the desire for human companionship is a good thing. There are times when I feel I would be better of alone. And yet I've noticed that even small interactions with others boosts my mood. Small things like having a small conversation or small talk about nothing. I can only imagine having friends and a girlfriend would be better.

 

Don't isolate yourself from the world. Nothing good will come from it.

Edited January 16, 2015 by AVarma