Erasing the desire for human companionship?

[eye of the storm]

Yes, second jobs are never great jobs. They can, however, be a stepping stone to something bigger.

 

Scrubbing toilets is a crappy job but because I was willing to work a second/third/and fourth job I was able to get my life better positioned so I can be where I am now.

 

That is the thing, you say you have given up. But nowhere do I see where you truly tried.

 

You quit because it is easier, you won't work to improve your life because it is hard. Excuses are what you are going to go thru life on and they will get you nowhere except where you are right now.

 

You don't want to improve your life, you want someone else to wave a magic wand and do it for you.

 

I am telling you from experience because I have been there. The ONLY way you are going to improve your life is by deciding to improve your life, and working on it. I can also tell you to embrace the suck during because the after is soooo worth it.

 

Otherwise, sit on mommy and daddy's couch and whine BTW, how are you going to survive when they are gone? Statistically, they will die before you...what then?

[Inflikted]

Are you close with anyone? Family members?

 

No. I have no one except my parents, who have I have a strained relationship with as it is. And that's all.

[Inflikted]

Yes, second jobs are never great jobs. They can, however, be a stepping stone to something bigger.

 

Right, but what I'm saying is, I've been working one crappy part time job for almost seven years, and that job, alone, has left me frustrated and displeased with people, and has not been any kind of "stepping stone" for me to anything. I'm so burnt out from "crappy" jobs that I just can't get behind the idea of taking on another one or two "crappy" jobs that make me hate my life even more than my current one does.

 

That is the thing, you say you have given up. But nowhere do I see where you truly tried.

 

You quit because it is easier, you won't work to improve your life because it is hard. Excuses are what you are going to go thru life on and they will get you nowhere except where you are right now.

 

You don't want to improve your life, you want someone else to wave a magic wand and do it for you.

 

Again, while I can't point out any big grand gestures I've made towards meeting and connecting with people, the point still stands that I've met and known various people over the last decade or so, and I've tried to connect with them like a "normal" person would, but I've failed every single time.

 

For the most part, people overlook me completely, and I'm generally always off peoples' radar no matter how hard I try to connect with them. There were a handful of moments in my life where people were a bit more inclusive to me, but then they quickly became indifferent to me, and my desperation to hold onto those initial connections seemed to sour them on me and push them away further.

 

For one reason or another, people just don't care about me or see any real value in me. That's how it's always been, for me. That's not something that's going to change if I find some club to join, or if I go to Meetup.com. I'm not trying to "make excuses", but again, my issue isn't that I've lacked opportunity to meet people over the years, it's that I'm simply not good enough for anyone, as a friend, a lover, or any kind of companion, period. Even if I do join some club or group or meetup, it's going to happen the exact same way that it always happens; everyone around me will manage to assimilate with each other, and I'll just be the outcast on the outside looking in, like I always am.

 

Furthermore, me shooting down the ideas of joining clubs, using Meetup, taking random classes, etc. is not me "not wanting to do the work". That's me genuinely not having an interest in anything that I could go join a club or meetup for. If there were something I wanted to do, I'd go out and do it. But there isn't. I've perused Meetup.com many times in the past. I've tried to investigate what kind of local activity groups there are near me. Nothing ever catches my interest, even a little. That's not about "not wanting to do work", there's just nothing that stands out to me as something I'd be the least bit interested in.

 

Otherwise, sit on mommy and daddy's couch and whine BTW, how are you going to survive when they are gone? Statistically, they will die before you...what then?

 

Who knows? I mean, if you're talking about basic life skills, I can cook and clean and take care of myself that way. I'm not THAT inept. But as far as where I'd live, how I'd pay for it, etc., I don't have the foggiest clue. I can't afford a place of my own because my current job sucks and doesn't pay much, but I can't find job opportunities that will help me make a better living. But that's kind of out of my hands. I can't help it one way or another if good job opportunities exist for me or not, and it seems like the job market these days is pretty rough in general. All I can do is keep an eye out, but in the meantime, there's not a whole lot I can do.

[Inflikted]

I suppose it's also worth pointing out that, on some level, I'm fully convinced that I "deserve" to have this miserable life that I do. I don't know why, I don't know where that belief originated from. But somewhere deep down at my core, I accepted a long time ago that I deserve to suffer, to be miserable, to be alone.

 

And I think that belief has simply taken hold of me for too long to be broken, at this point. I'd find the idea completely laughable if someone were to try to convince me that I "deserve" anything more than that.

[pteromom]

The first is one people have generally told me throughout my life, and I've even heard it on forums like these (actually, I think one or two people may have even said it in this very topic). And that compliment is that I'm "intelligent". The reason that bugs me is because that can't possibly be true. If I were truly "intelligent", why would I not have figured out how to have the best possible life for myself?

 

There are different types of intelligent. You seem well-spoken and articulate, and that is one type of intelligence.

 

There is also emotional intelligence, which maybe you are lacking in.

 

But my guess is that your main problem is the depression. It just forms a cloud over all possibilities for improving yourself.

 

If I were intelligent, why am I a 26 year old cashier, and not doing something bigger and better with my life?

 

This has more to do with motivation than intelligence. And again, depression can put a damper on any motivation you may otherwise feel.

 

if I'm so "sweet", then why am I not worth connecting with? Furthermore, while I always liked to think of myself as a sensitive, gentle soul that was, indeed, a very sweet person, I've become such a bitter, resentful, sad, angry person over the years, that I can't imagine there's really any trace of that past "vision" of myself left.

 

Oh it is still there. "Sweet" doesn't really mean anything. It can mean anything, depending on the person saying it, and you shouldn't try to read anything more into it. Some girls may say it to get closer, and others may say it to offer an empty compliment to someone they aren't interested in. And everything in between. I use it when anyone tells a cute story or compliments me or does something nice, no matter how I otherwise feel about them.

 

if I were any kind of good person, I'd have found better career opportunities for myself at this point, I'd have friends and connections, I'd probably have had at least one or two meaningful romantic relationships. But that's simply not the case.

 

None of this has anything to do with you being a good person or not.

 

Depression is probably the biggest reason for these.

Fear or anxiety could be another.

 

I don't think anything is going to change for you without some outside help. You are obviously a smart guy - I believe if you knew how to change, you would.

 

Have you thought about calling a suicide hotline - even if you aren't suicidal? They can help direct you to a place to help you.

[Inflikted]

None of this has anything to do with you being a good person or not.

 

By "good", I meant "worthwhile", or something along those lines.

 

I don't think anything is going to change for you without some outside help. You are obviously a smart guy - I believe if you knew how to change, you would.

 

I'd like to think so, too, but who knows? It almost feels like I never learned a basic life skill, and now, no matter what I do, I can't grasp it at all, as an adult. I never learned how to properly connect with another person, I barely even know how to have consistent conversations with people.

 

And the thing is, I can't see therapy or meds or anything like that being able to give me that ability. Even if I did any of those things, that wouldn't necessarily give me the skill to be able to connect with people and form friendships and relationships. More than that, not only do I have to be able to connect with people, but I also somehow have to make myself seem interesting and "exciting" in order for anyone to care even a tiny bit about keeping me around in their life, which works against me as well, because I'm simply not an interesting "exciting" person. I'm fairly boring and mundane. And I'm kind of okay with that, hence why I'm not gung-ho about finding new activities and hobbies. But even if I could manage to carry consistent conversations with people and sustain friendships, I'm simply not worthwhile enough for anyone to want to keep around long term.

 

When I'm around people, I don't really feel nervous or anxious or scared or timid or anything like that, I just... have nothing to really say. I feel like I've been dropped off into some random foreign country whose native language I don't understand, and thus, I have no idea how to communicate and connect with anyone. I don't know how to be a "normal" sociable person. I've tried to figure it out over the years, but I just can't seem to "crack the code". Again, I can't see how professional help will really give me these life skills, because on a day-to-day basis, it's going to come down to me, me knowing what to say, me knowing when to say it, me having interesting things to convey to people, me being able to do this consistently with people.

 

Have you thought about calling a suicide hotline - even if you aren't suicidal? They can help direct you to a place to help you.

 

I think that would make me feel bad, because I'd feel like I'd be "stealing" time away from someone who might actually need it, from someone who might actually be on the verge of suicide and need talking down. I'd convince myself that by me wasting a worker's time, someone probably couldn't get through to the line, and because of that, because of me, they killed themselves. Stupid (and probably crazy), I know. But those are the stupid little things that go through my mind.

[mario_C]

Well, no wonder you have depression and suicidal thoughts - you work in retail. I mean that seriously, kinda...

 

For 10 years and 7 months I worked in a call center job that I detested. I had all those ailments - depression, constant thoughts and feelings of hostility and violence, suicidal, anxious, you name it. Last spring I finally found a savior in the girl who referred me to Ub3r* - I bought a new car and quit my job, and that's what I did fulltime for 6 months.

Customer service is the worst. It crushes your soul and your spirit. That's why I studied coding and practiced my graphic design techniques all those lonely nights and weekends, because I had to make a plan to get out. And I did, but first I had to make a really daring change in my life. I took the chance and for a while I thought it wouldn't work out, but it did.

 

Now I work 9 to 5** as a developer and still drive the car on Saturdays, and the awful thoughts and feelings don't bother me anymore.

You know why? Because as stressful as the job can be, I know that I never have to talk to one customer. Seriously. (I do with Ub3r to some extent, but not really. Most customers just want to go home.)

 

What is your plan to get out? What risks are you willing to take?

 

*What, you thought I was going to say Jesus? Get real.

** OK, 8:30 AM to 6 or 7. I didn't say I don't work hard, but when you can respect yourself and your work, it's never bad.

[hotpotato]

Well, no wonder you have depression and suicidal thoughts - you work in retail. I mean that seriously, kinda...

 

lolz!

I really do believe OP only has a set amount he can deal with people, and his job is sucking it up. I wonder if he'd be more sociable if he had a more solitary job.

[Inflikted]

Well, no wonder you have depression and suicidal thoughts - you work in retail. I mean that seriously, kinda...

 

For 10 years and 7 months I worked in a call center job that I detested. I had all those ailments - depression, constant thoughts and feelings of hostility and violence, suicidal, anxious, you name it.

 

...

 

What is your plan to get out? What risks are you willing to take?

 

Yeah, I mean... Working a job like retail for so long has probably been a lot more detrimental to my already negative feelings towards people. Not only that, but my coworkers, themselves, pretty much make me feel worthless; for years, I've been stuck as a cashier, and though I've politely voiced to every manager we've had that I wanted to do less cashiering and do more work on the floor, I get ignored. Meanwhile, we keep hiring on kids in their early 20s who get trained on cashier, then get to immediately jump right over me and no longer have to be a cashier, and then when they have to do it, they whine and complain and throw little hissy fits, and management is perfectly fine with that, and tries to make them happy. Meanwhile, I simply don't matter.

 

But, unfortunately, I think that's going to happen to me wherever I go. I don't like having to "play games" or "politics" or whatever, I don't like having to complain and whine to managers, I just want to be good at what I do, and get appreciated and rewarded accordingly. Granted, I know that's a bit naive, and unfortunately, the world simply doesn't work that way. I just feel like I'm the type of person that gets "punished" for being reliable and consistent.

 

I don't even know how to "get out", at this point. About 18 months ago, I finally figured out what I wanted to do for a career, and I got my educational pursuits on track for it. I had hoped that I'd come out of it and be able to start finding work. But I completed my education last spring, and for the last several months, I've been unable to find very many opportunities for entry level work, and the ones I do find either reject my application or don't even bother responding at all.

 

I suppose if I were willing to relocate, I *might* have slightly better luck, but I'm just not at a place in my life where I think I could just up and move somewhere.

 

I've been trying to "do" some stuff on my own for the last couple of years; a couple years ago, I had started my own website, and I was trying to amass some kind of following, but it just never took off, no matter how much work I put in, so I kind of fell off from doing that. I'm currently trying to work on an animated web series project of my own, but there's a ton of work I have to keep chipping away at before I can even consider putting anything together to actually post online. Even then, I highly doubt I'll gain any kind of following from it to produce any kind of career opportunities for myself.

 

So I don't know. I know what I'd like to be doing, but I can't figure out how to get there, and thus, get out of working retail. I want to do something more meaningful with my life, but at this point, I'm pretty sure I'm going to just be a cashier for the rest of my life.

 

lolz!

I really do believe OP only has a set amount he can deal with people, and his job is sucking it up. I wonder if he'd be more sociable if he had a more solitary job.

 

Maybe, but to be fair, I wasn't really a very sociable person before I started working, and honestly, a more solitary job would probably give me less opportunity to actually meet people and create potential friendships.

[Inflikted]

I feel the need to vent a bit... Last night, I had a bit of a fight with my mom over something small and stupid. Which has been kind of a common occurrence between me and her, over the last few years. To be honest, I think she and I were both a bit stupid and petty and stubborn in this argument, and I don't think either one of us was really "right", but that's kind of the problem, because now we're just being very passive aggressive to each other. Eventually it'll probably cool down and blow over, but I hate butting heads with her, because neither one of us will ever give in, be the bigger person, let go, and move on. We're both too stubborn and committed to our stances.

 

I was fuming so much after the fight last night that I couldn't even really any sleep. I kept thinking about how I was right, and how she was wrong, and how her arguments were flawed and stupid, and how I'd continue being passive aggressive, and how I refused to let her "win".

 

Somewhere along the lines, I started thinking about myself in a relationship, and I got to thinking about how miserable I'd be if I was in a relationship with someone who was stubborn and pigheaded like me and my mother. I could absolutely see myself having this same argument with a potential girlfriend/ wife, and it bums me out to think about being in a romantic relationship with a partner that I'd stubbornly argue with and act passively aggressive towards.

 

But they say that people tend to seek partners that remind them of their family history, and it would seem that, IF I ever end up with someone (which is a big "if" in and of itself), I'll most likely end up with a woman that's a carbon copy of my mother. Meaning, I'll end up with someone that I'll constantly bicker with and butt heads with, and resent, and feel spiteful to. What a miserable relationship that would be...

[Inflikted]

Sorry, but after yesterday, I now have something else to vent about. So back when I was finishing up school last year, I was trying to be friendly with one of the guys in my class, and there was a particular TV show we both like that we would chat about and discuss. I haven't actually seen or talked to him since we finished school last summer, but we were friends on social media, and we'd occasionally chat on there with each other, often about said TV show.

 

So, the other day, he was pretty upset about some events that happened on said show, and was posting about it on social media. I responded, interested in having a discussion, though I had opposite opinions to him on the matter. I didn't say anything mean, rude, or offensive; actually, a lot of the stuff he was saying about the show were borderline inflammatory, and I was basically saying "Well, okay, but consider this...". We had a brief back and forth discussion, then he suddenly started ignoring my posts. Later in the day, I tried to write to him a couple times, because he was still going on his tirade, and again, I was ignored. Then I noticed that he had unfriended me.

 

And I'm just sitting here thinking, "Seriously? We have a disagreement on social media about a silly TV show, and that's worth cutting contact with me over?". It just seems to stupid, to me, and part of me is really angry, and part of me is just confused. I don't want to think that something as silly as that ended what could very loosely be called a "friendship".

 

That's the thing, though, is that every time people have bailed on me, it's never really seemed to make much sense to me. There have been a handful of times where I felt like I was getting close with people, then suddenly, they just dropped me and moved on with their lives for no reason that I could see.

 

So now I feel like any stupid little thing I might say or do about absolutely anything is going to be super detrimental to making friends or having relationships. God forbid I have an opinion on something, even something as dumb and trivial as a TV show, because apparently that kind of thing is worth cutting me out of your life with.

[Ariadne]

I dislike people...I find people to be obnoxious, annoying, or whatever, to a point where I just have no interest in dealing with them if I don't have to.

I've tried forcing myself to "like" people more, but I just can't get myself to do it.

 

 

Anyway, I think you are trying to push yourself one way or the other. Maybe it´s better to just do what feels natural, even if that is doing nothing and not making things more complicated.

 

Wishing you the best.

[mario_C]

Unfriending someone due to arguing over a TV show that you both like would be pretty immature, yes. Those kind of arguments are never about the thing you're arguing about, though - something aggravated him and he doesn't know how to express it, or didn't think you cared about expressing it, and that led to the unfriending.

Or he did something dumb with his device...You're obviously talking about FB and you can ignore friends without unfriending them...I do that a lot

[Inflikted]

Unfriending someone due to arguing over a TV show that you both like would be pretty immature, yes. Those kind of arguments are never about the thing you're arguing about, though - something aggravated him and he doesn't know how to express it, or didn't think you cared about expressing it, and that led to the unfriending.

Or he did something dumb with his device...You're obviously talking about FB and you can ignore friends without unfriending them...I do that a lot

 

Actually talking about Twitter. He "unfollowed" me apparently shortly after the discussion we had. I didn't even realize it until after he started ignoring the stuff I was writing to him.

 

I don't know. I don't really care, per se, I'm just annoyed at how stupid little stuff like this is enough to just cut yourself off from someone, and like I said, it adds to the frustration of how abruptly everyone else seems to lose interest in me when I'm pursuing some kind of friendship with them.

[Inflikted]

Anyway, I think you are trying to push yourself one way or the other. Maybe it´s better to just do what feels natural, even if that is doing nothing and not making things more complicated.

 

Wishing you the best.

 

So much of my day-to-day life IS "doing nothing", and yes, that does feel natural to me, but I'm at a point where I feel miserable 24/7, because I literally can't stop thinking about how lonely I am and how badly I feel. This whole thing wouldn't really be such a big thing to me, if I didn't have this constant feeling of misery and sadness and isolation, but I feel like I'm going through mental/ emotional torture every single moment of every single day. It's agonizing.

 

But I literally don't know what I can possibly do, at this point. I've tried talking to people, I've tried connecting with people, and I've failed every single time. People just don't like me. Period. That, alone, makes me feel bad.

 

On top of that, I'm not "clever" or "intelligent" enough to be able to "think outside the box" when it comes to finding ways to meet more people, and I'm not "open" and "sociable" enough to be able to hit it off very well with any new people I might meet.

 

I'm also not "lucky" enough to be in the right place at the right time, to have those magical little random moments of connections with people that spark friendships and relationships. That kind of thing never happens for me.

 

Every day, it all just festers more and more. I see people around me engaging in social activities with friends and loved ones, I see people having romance and living happy lives with their significant others. Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of how the social aspects of life I don't get to experience; I can't watch a TV show or movie, or read a book, or do just about anything without seeing people being with other people. And it drives me crazy, it makes me feel horribly sad and lonely, it makes me feel bad about myself, and I just don't know how to live with all these horrible thoughts and feelings in my head 24/7.

[Ariadne]

I literally can't stop thinking about how lonely I am and how badly I feel...constant feeling of misery and sadness.

 

You are just making yourself miserable and being dependent. You can think of yourself as a sage in a mountain and change the perspective.

 

I see people around me engaging in social activities with friends and loved ones, I see people having romance and living happy lives with their significant others.

 

There are tons of people in this forum looking for that "special one" and you know how that goes...Even the ones that once were happy see it all fall apart in a matter of time (either they fall out of love, or see that the other person is full of defects like anybody else).

 

To find the perfect happy relationship is as easy as winning the lottery, same as finding people with a "heart of gold" that are not living in the ego. That´s why people love pets so much.

[Inflikted]

Yeah, I don't know... I just can't seem to stop myself from feeling miserable anymore. It wasn't always this bad, I mean, it used to be something I didn't really think much about, then it started creeping into my mind but I could distract myself a bit, and now it's all I feel, all day, every day.

 

I know having a social life isn't "easy", but most people don't go as long as I do without the slightest friendship, without dating, without any of that. There's something very wrong with me at my core, because I just absolutely can't have these things in my life, but there's nothing I want more than to have these things...

[Broom]

It's all an illusion. In most of these things, the person is in it for selfish reasons. You just don't realize it yet.

 

A lot of people are simply engaged in things to avoid being alone in whatever capacity.

[Inflikted]

It's all an illusion. In most of these things, the person is in it for selfish reasons. You just don't realize it yet.

 

A lot of people are simply engaged in things to avoid being alone in whatever capacity.

 

Even still, I wish I could partake. Even having relationships that aren't based on substance is more than I can say I've ever had. I'm so unbelievably starved for human companionship, so much that it makes my heart hurt, makes me lose sleep at night, makes me hate every minute of my life.

[Inflikted]

On top of everything, I... can't seem to "get over" the girl I had strong feelings for, from a few years ago. For a while last year, it seemed like I was maybe starting to stop thinking about her as much, but over the last few months, thoughts of her have crept right back into my head, and I constantly find myself thinking about her, missing her, missing the way we used to talk and laugh together, and whatnot...

 

I dunno. That "connection" I had with her, even if it wasn't enough for her to want to be with me, was so amazing, and I've never felt that way about anyone besides her. I want that... It's so hard, when I've only ever experienced that once in my 26 years of life, because I'm so stuck on that one connection I did have, and I can't get myself to let it go. I float around life, unable to make connections with people, watching everyone else have friends and date and have social lives, and all this resentment and sadness and bitterness and depression just festers in me. Meanwhile, my mind keeps thinking back to the girl that, in my mind, was my undisputed soul mate, thinking back to how I had my soul mate right in front of me, and I totally blew it with her.

 

I hate myself for still having these feelings, this attachment to this person that I haven't even seen in over a year. I realize how stupid and obsessive and crazy it is, but she was the one glimmer of light I've ever been able to find, and I wasn't good enough for her, I pushed her away, I ruined the one good thing I've ever had going with somebody.

[eye of the storm]

Inflikted, you will never get better until you get tired of feeling the way you do and make a change. You say you saw a therapist but you admitted that you did not commit to making it work. Seeing a therapist one time will not help you get better. Seeing a therapist if you walk in the door saying this isn't going to work will not help you get better.

 

There is no magic wand someone can wave over you that is going to help.

 

YOU have to say, I am tired of this. I will do whatever, talk to whoever, take whatever I have to in order to get better. Then you have to follow thru.

 

When you are in a deep hole. getting out can seem like an impossible task. But it isn't. If you work at it.

 

Right now you are just sitting at the bottom of the pit and wondering why nothing you do helps, when you admit you do nothing to help yourself.

 

I know you don't have a lot of money, but there are still some things you can to. They have free/low cost/sliding scale therapy. Get out of the house and look up. I know that sounds silly but depressed people rarely look up. It changes your perspective. Volunteer, that can help too. Exercise was actually prescribed to me.

 

Clinical depression is like having a monster that lives inside your head. It knows what you are thinking. It wants you to stay depressed. It makes you think that nothing you do will be successful so why try. And because it lives in your head, it knows everything you think. You have to acknowledge the monster but don't listen to it's lies.

 

Stop thinking of all the failures, start planning on getting healthy. Don't you want to get this monster out of your head? You can beat him.

 

But only when you work on it.

[NGC1300]

I guess a bit of both? I consider myself to have a "unique" reason because my inner thoughts and feelings are contradictory and don't make any logical sense. Basically, I've always craved human companionship so badly, but at the same time, I dislike people, I feel no attachment to anyone, I have no empathy or sympathy towards people, and I find people to be obnoxious, annoying, or whatever, to a point where I just have no interest in dealing with them if I don't have to.

 

I've basically always felt this way, this "contradictory" mentality. I'm completely incapable of connecting with people. I've tried forcing myself to connect, I've tried forcing myself to "like" people more, but I just can't get myself to do it.

 

I haven't read this whole thread, but I can certainly relate to you.

 

I haven't had a friend in years; the few I've had have slowly drifted away and faded from my life. Oddly enough I don't even care. I don't feel any sort of desire for friends because I view friendship as a burden. I just don't have the time or desire and am generally content by myself, doing what I want.

 

Now, female affection is another matter. I haven't had that in years as well, however that is something I still want very much. But them I'm reminded of past girls who lied to me or cheated, I'm reminded of the burden of dating and having to "prove myself" to a woman, say and do all the right things, make her happy and make her laugh, and then I realize it's a HUGE burden, more so than the burden of friendship.

 

Like you, I really wish I could just switch this desire off forever.

[NGC1300]

Humans ARE social creatures. That doesn't mean that an individual is dependant on a friend circle and partner, it just means that a human being is more likely to feel better when they see a few members of their species from time to time. Basically if you were the last human being on earth you'd go mad over time.

 

Relationships are optional.

 

I feel like I get all the socializing I need from my job.

 

Sure, it might be inconsequential banter, with no real connections to anyone, but it's almost as if that small level of social interaction is all I need to avoid going full-blown "mad".

[NGC1300]

Point Blank: The world is full of awesome people, and bonding is a natural thing in mentally/emotionally healthy humans.....

 

For every "awesome person" there will always be 10 people who can do you no good and would love nothing more than to see you fall. Sure, don't associate with those people, but the point is they're everywhere.

 

As far as romantic relationships, when past partners have cheated and lied you may or may not develop feelings that perhaps the endeavor just isn't worth it. Yes, not every person will be like past people, but maybe they will. Maybe I'll just be setting myself up for more needless pain.

 

I think a harsh truth in life is that the more you care about people and things; the more you stand to lose (and you eventually will).

Edited January 31, 2015 by NGC1300

[Inflikted]

Inflikted, you will never get better until you get tired of feeling the way you do and make a change. You say you saw a therapist but you admitted that you did not commit to making it work. Seeing a therapist one time will not help you get better. Seeing a therapist if you walk in the door saying this isn't going to work will not help you get better.

 

There is no magic wand someone can wave over you that is going to help.

 

YOU have to say, I am tired of this. I will do whatever, talk to whoever, take whatever I have to in order to get better. Then you have to follow thru.

 

When you are in a deep hole. getting out can seem like an impossible task. But it isn't. If you work at it.

 

Right now you are just sitting at the bottom of the pit and wondering why nothing you do helps, when you admit you do nothing to help yourself.

 

I know you don't have a lot of money, but there are still some things you can to. They have free/low cost/sliding scale therapy. Get out of the house and look up. I know that sounds silly but depressed people rarely look up. It changes your perspective. Volunteer, that can help too. Exercise was actually prescribed to me.

 

Clinical depression is like having a monster that lives inside your head. It knows what you are thinking. It wants you to stay depressed. It makes you think that nothing you do will be successful so why try. And because it lives in your head, it knows everything you think. You have to acknowledge the monster but don't listen to it's lies.

 

Stop thinking of all the failures, start planning on getting healthy. Don't you want to get this monster out of your head? You can beat him.

 

But only when you work on it.

 

I understand that, and the thing is, I WANT to be able to be the kind of person that could say that, and do that, I really do. But I feel like all of these things have "infected" me too much that I simply can't find the strength to push through it all and do anything about it. It's already gotten so out of control that I can't get a grasp on it anymore. I'm weak. I'm a weak person. I'm not strong, no matter how much I wish I was.

 

I hate that I feel so defeated and hopeless, and apathetic, and uncaring, and discouraged, I hate that I can't get myself to do much of anything anymore. But again, I'm just... weak. My bad thoughts and feelings have taken too strong of control over me, and I simply don't have the strength to wrestle it back. And that leaves me stuck where I am, where I've been stuck for ages, and where I'll probably be stuck for the remainder of my life...