Erasing the desire for human companionship?

[Inflikted]

Something else occurred to me, a story I hadn't thought of to tell in this topic, a story that brings some potentially important details to light.

 

Back before I had fallen for that girl from a few years ago, I had a crippling, irrational fear of driving. I was, like, 23, and I had never driven a car, never got my license, never had any desire to learn to drive. It was a huge inconvenience, but I refused to even consider the possibility of learning how to drive. In my mind, I just wasn't going to do it.

 

When I fell for this girl, and when I was, at the same time, trying to befriend some other people, I knew that I couldn't possibly date someone or have a social life if I couldn't drive. But I believed so much in my feelings for this girl, that I plowed right on through my fears, and in the span of two weeks, I learned to drive and got my license.

 

Unfortunately, all my hard work was for naught, because not only did she reject me, and not only did the people I was trying to befriend also reject me, but all the good things I had with this girl went out the window and she would eventually grow to hate me.

 

I understand the idea that, when you try and fail, you just have to get right back up and try again. The thing is, in this scenario, I didn't JUST "fail". A "fail", in this case, would've been her rejecting my romantic advances but us getting past the awkwardness and remaining friends. No, I walked away from this situation with even less than I had before. I put in so much work, I pushed myself so hard, and not only did I "fail", but I lost everything I had with this girl.

 

In a lot of ways, this experience has left me so gutted, that I just can't find the strength to do whatever to maybe make things better for myself. "Failing" at something is one thing, but I just don't want to ever find myself in a situation again where I come out of something with less than I started with. It just hurt too much.

 

And to look at things from another angle, I find that I need something clear and concrete to work towards, if I'm going to push myself, and make an effort. I overcame my fear of driving and I worked so hard to get my license, because there was a specific girl I felt something for. I knew exactly what I was working for, I knew exactly what I hoped my efforts and endeavors would pay off in.

 

But try as I might, I just can't find the motivation to do anything when the goals are so much more vague and hard to see. Maybe therapy and all this other stuff people suggest would help. Hell, I don't know. But I can't buy into any of it, because there's no clear, concise, concrete goal. The only goal this stuff offers me is that I'll *maybe* "get better", but what does that even really mean?

 

It's not enough of a goal, to me, to hope to meet "a" girl, to hope to meet "some" friends, etc. If that's how vague it all is, I have no motivation for it. I need a specific girl whose affections I hope to win, I need specific people with whom I wish to connect with, etc. Specific goals are what drive me to really do anything. Vague "maybes" and "someones" do nothing to motivate me or drive me.

[NJ123]

Honestly, I'm at the point now where I just don't give a **** anymore whether I ever meet someone or not. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't than oh well. Seems relationships almost aren't even worth it since the vast majority of them don't even work out. I also need a peaceful relationship. I can't deal with arguing or anything of that nature.

[Giggle]

I highly recommend very high doses of vitamin d daily. Easily 10,000iu. You can't really overdose on the stuff and a lot of people are so very low and it is amazing for feeling depressed.

[elaine567]

I highly recommend very high doses of vitamin d daily. Easily 10,000iu. You can't really overdose on the stuff and a lot of people are so very low and it is amazing for feeling depressed.

You can overdose on Vitamin D

Vitamin D toxicity: What if you get too much? - Mayo Clinic

[elaine567]

Are you in fact practising unhappiness every day?

Forget the title, listen to the content.

[eye of the storm]

all my hard work was for naught

 

I plowed right on through my fears, and in the span of two weeks, I learned to drive and got my license.

 

I find that I need something clear and concrete to work towards

 

Here is the thing. All your hard work is not for naught. You got a license out of your hard work.

 

In addition, improving yourself for someone else is setting yourself up for failure. Because you cannot control what motivates another or how they feel/think. You have to improve yourself because you are the most important person in your life. Other people come and go. You will always be there. You are the person who should be your goal.

[Inflikted]

Here is the thing. All your hard work is not for naught. You got a license out of your hard work.

 

Yeah, but what good does it do me when I can't use it for the things I originally got it for? The whole reason I worked so hard to get it is because I thought I'd be able to start dating and/ or having friends and some kind of social life. But in the few years I've had my license, now, I haven't been able to do either of those things. From a practical standpoint, I understand that having overcome that fear makes my life slightly more convenient because I can drive myself, but the hard work feels wasted because I didn't even come close to getting what I wanted out of it.

 

In addition, improving yourself for someone else is setting yourself up for failure. Because you cannot control what motivates another or how they feel/think. You have to improve yourself because you are the most important person in your life. Other people come and go. You will always be there. You are the person who should be your goal.

 

Right, but I'm not talking about improving or changing aspects of myself specifically for someone else. I'm talking about me being able to find motivation to work hard. I look for very specific goals, in order to find the motivation to work for things. Like I said, it's not enough to motivate me to think that I *might* be able to meet *a* girl *somewhere* at *some time*, for example. That's too vague and too uncertain to make me feel any sense of motivation whatsoever. It's less about trying to appeal to someone, and more just me needing a much clearer picture of WHAT I'm working towards, than anything else.

[guitarman77x]

Dude I know pretty much exactly how you feel. Alot of the time people get excited over stuff and I feel nothing. I don't care at all when pepole die or are upset or anything like no empathy at all or attatchment. Honestly I don't think anything is Seriously wrong with you. I'm 26 as well and as far as how I feel about it... I think people are meant to come in and out of your life. I really like being alone and most of my happiest moments are just being by myself And I'm cool with that But every once in awhile I do like to connect with people it's just rare. Honestly I really want that kind of connection with someone too, and I honestly believe it will probably happen, but if it never does I'll be okay with it because maybe I got to meet some great people on the way. All I'm saying is don't over think what you're going through. It's natural for some people to be the watcher and listener but not engage much... just don't live your life not being open to something even if you don't give a **** cuz you might just learn something about yourself

[Inflikted]

Dude I know pretty much exactly how you feel. Alot of the time people get excited over stuff and I feel nothing. I don't care at all when pepole die or are upset or anything like no empathy at all or attatchment. Honestly I don't think anything is Seriously wrong with you. I'm 26 as well and as far as how I feel about it... I think people are meant to come in and out of your life. I really like being alone and most of my happiest moments are just being by myself And I'm cool with that But every once in awhile I do like to connect with people it's just rare. Honestly I really want that kind of connection with someone too, and I honestly believe it will probably happen, but if it never does I'll be okay with it because maybe I got to meet some great people on the way. All I'm saying is don't over think what you're going through. It's natural for some people to be the watcher and listener but not engage much... just don't live your life not being open to something even if you don't give a **** cuz you might just learn something about yourself

 

Right, but for me, it's not even "rare", it's just... pretty much nonexistent, period. I won't deny that I value some solitude and time to myself, as at my core, I'm a very introverted person, but it just drives me crazy that that's all I have. I don't have anybody to spend time with, I don't have anybody to talk to. There's nobody I can pick up the phone and call and just chat and have a conversation with. When I have a weekend off, there's no one I can hang out with or go do something with. Solitude and personal time just become monotonous when it's all I have, and the monotony has turned to misery.

 

It bothers me so much that I feel the way I do about people, that I just never like or have any kind of interest whatsoever in 99.99999% of the people I meet and encounter. And don't get me wrong, it's not just a case of "wanting to be like everyone else". But the life I live is soul-crushingly lonely. And it's all because I just flat out don't care about anyone. But as I've found out from experience, I can't just force myself to "like" or "care about" anyone. So I'm stuck.

 

And that's what's even more sad to me, because there's never any "light" at the end of the tunnel, for me. I was extremely lonely when I was 20, then when I was 21, then when I was 22... Now I'm 26, going on to 27, and it hasn't gotten any better at all. I've made zero progress in connecting with people. There's no hope for me, at this point.

 

Not only that, but I don't even have anything in life to really keep me going. I hoped that if nothing else, I'd at least be able to have a career I could be satisfied with. But I can't. I can't get my foot in the door with anything that I feel like I could do, because I'm simply not good enough. The only thing I'm apparently "good enough" for is high school level grunt work, like being a cashier. I'm 26, and the most I can amount to in life is "cashier".

 

I have a life that's empty, basically completely worthless. I have nothing of value, in my life. I have nothing that makes me feel proud and accomplished, I have no one to create memories and have adventures with. I'm a total waste of life, and every day is just another reminder of how useless I am. How am I supposed to keep living like this?

[eye of the storm]

When you are in the depths of depression, you cant just shake it off and suddenly be happy. You need help.

 

You need help.

 

You say you aren't good enough for your chosen career. Get better at it Take more classes, volunteer with an agency that needs that skill so you can get improve and gain new skills.

 

You talk alot about how you don't care about people but you are upset that they don't want to be around you. People can tell when someone doesn't like them. And being around someone who is constantly negative and depressed is draining. I work with a guy who is constantly down and we all avoid him because he just loves wallowing in his misery and its depressing.

 

You have decided you don't like living like this. Then you need to make some changes. Not just sit around and wallow.

 

You are so focused inward. You need to focus outward. Get some therapy and meds. Go volunteer with an animal shelter or with the homeless. Plant a garden. Sign up for a park/beach cleanup.

 

Once you get out of your own head and back into the world, friends will come. They will come because you are happier with yourself. (If even you don't like you, how can you expect anyone else to like you either.)

 

Get up, go for a walk. google therapy options in your area Take an action. Then take another one. And another. Nobody blinks and suddenly they are a thousand miles away. It takes one step after another. It takes action.

[Inflikted]

You say you aren't good enough for your chosen career. Get better at it Take more classes, volunteer with an agency that needs that skill so you can get improve and gain new skills.

 

I've been trying to get in touch with places around me about just doing my thing voluntarily, just to get experience, and even that never gets a response. I don't think my actual skill level is the issue, I think it's simply that my social issues and my inability to make connections with people makes it impossible for me to "network" and find more opportunities and to be able to know how to tenaciously pursue those opportunities and get a good entry level job. As it is, I feel like I keep tossing my line out into the metaphorical water, but no "fish" ever give me even a nibble.

 

You talk alot about how you don't care about people but you are upset that they don't want to be around you. People can tell when someone doesn't like them. And being around someone who is constantly negative and depressed is draining. I work with a guy who is constantly down and we all avoid him because he just loves wallowing in his misery and its depressing.

 

And that's totally understandable. But I can't change the way I feel about people. It's not like I purposely make the decision that I hate everyone and I'm just going to go out there and make sure they all know it. I try to be open and receptive to people as best I can when I'm around them, but I just... never care or have an interest in them.

 

Once you get out of your own head and back into the world, friends will come. They will come because you are happier with yourself. (If even you don't like you, how can you expect anyone else to like you either.)

 

Get up, go for a walk. google therapy options in your area Take an action. Then take another one. And another. Nobody blinks and suddenly they are a thousand miles away. It takes one step after another. It takes action.

 

The thing is, I've gotten to a point where I don't have enough patience anymore. I want to see measurable results and positive changes in a relatively short amount of time. If I do something for 2-3 months and see no real results, I tend to give up on it. And yes, I understand the problem with that mentality. That's why I'm bringing it up. Because I just don't feel like I have the time, anymore, to do this stuff, and do it for the next 2-3 years, and then *maybe* in the 3-10 years after that, things *might* be somewhat different for me than they are now.

 

I just don't have the patience for that. I know I can't expect things to happen "overnight", and I don't expect them to. But like I said, I can only build up enough "steam" to do something for about 2-3 months before I give up on it because of the lack of results. That's basically how I've been for several years, now. Every time I try something "new" that I'm relatively indifferent to, I can make it a few months before I start thinking "This is doing absolutely nothing for me, and I don't see the point", then I just stop.

 

But the problem is, I feel like everything is a "waste of time", because nothing ever seems to yield me any results. In a way, I feel like I'm stuck in a catch-22 situation. I don't think I can start feeling happy and "alive" until I can start seeing results and positive changes in my life, but apparently, I can't start seeing results and positive changes in my life until I feel happy and "alive".

 

Every time I fail to see results, I sink right back down into my depressed, apathetic state. And unfortunately, I always fail to see results in any endeavor I make.

[eye of the storm]

Sweety, you need professional help. And medications.

 

You are so stuck in the mind set that nothing is going to work that you don't even try.

 

Force yourself. Go to the shelter and tell them you want to walk the dogs. You will see how much they need help. Plant a garden, you will see the results. Volunteer for a clean up. You will see the results.

 

Stop looking for reasons it wont work start looking for reasons it will.

 

You have the mentality of this is just who I am. It's not. It is who the monster in you brain wants you to be. Stop letting it win. Fight back.

 

You have shown when you choose, you can get things done.

 

Get some help. It is vital. If you had cancer, you would go to the doctor and take the meds and do the treatments. Consider this depression just like that. It is trying to destroy you. Fight back.

[The Mighty Quinn]

I guess a bit of both? I consider myself to have a "unique" reason because my inner thoughts and feelings are contradictory and don't make any logical sense. Basically, I've always craved human companionship so badly, but at the same time, I dislike people, I feel no attachment to anyone, I have no empathy or sympathy towards people, and I find people to be obnoxious, annoying, or whatever, to a point where I just have no interest in dealing with them if I don't have to.

 

I've basically always felt this way, this "contradictory" mentality. I'm completely incapable of connecting with people. I've tried forcing myself to connect, I've tried forcing myself to "like" people more, but I just can't get myself to do it.

 

Inflickted, I think the first step for you would be to develop skills of empathy. And it can be done. Check out the THE CENTER FOR COMPASSION AND ALTRUISM RESEARCH AND EDUCATION by Standford School of Medicine. You can develope your compassion for others. THat may be the first step in building better skills toward a relationship for you. I don't think your feelings of companionship are going to go away.

[Inflikted]

Get some help. It is vital. If you had cancer, you would go to the doctor and take the meds and do the treatments. Consider this depression just like that. It is trying to destroy you. Fight back.

 

I understand. I just don't know how to find the strength to do anything, anymore. The strength to "stand up and take action", the strength to be optimistic, the strength to believe in things, the strength to do anything. It's all just been sapped out of me over all this time. I don't know how to find that strength to even take the first step, or especially the strength to keep pushing forward after taking the first step.

[eye of the storm]

break it into small chunks.

 

1. call a doctor's office, tell them you need an appointment to discuss anti-depressants and you need a referral to a therapist.

 

2. go to the appointment, talk to the doctor honestly.

 

3. fill the perscription

 

4. take the meds write down in a journal how you feel n(repeat every day)

 

5. make the therapy appointment

 

6. go to the therapy appointment. Be open. Don't tell them what you think they want to hear. Just talk to them about everything. Be honest.

 

7. do the homework your therapist gives you no matter how silly it is.

 

8. continue to just put one foot in front of the other break it into small easy to accomplish tasks. then them one at a time.

 

And you are still looking for reasons you can't do it. Stop that. You are making excuses and wallowing in self pity.

 

Its a weekday and its morning. look at number 1 and do it.

[clia]

Furthermore, me shooting down the ideas of joining clubs, using Meetup, taking random classes, etc. is not me "not wanting to do the work". That's me genuinely not having an interest in anything that I could go join a club or meetup for. If there were something I wanted to do, I'd go out and do it. But there isn't. I've perused Meetup.com many times in the past. I've tried to investigate what kind of local activity groups there are near me. Nothing ever catches my interest, even a little. That's not about "not wanting to do work", there's just nothing that stands out to me as something I'd be the least bit interested in.

 

What kinds of things are you interested in? Start there. Maybe if you seek out those types of groups, you will find like-minded people who interest you.

 

Where I live there are Meetup groups for practically anything and everything you can think of, so I find it surprising that you can't find a single group that piques your interest at all.

[Inflikted]

See, one reason I hold myself back is... well... This is going to sound very silly and embarrassing, but hear me out. The thing is... My mom doesn't approve of me doing stuff like that, and she's going to stress me out with her negativity if I pursue these things.

 

When I went to that therapy session a long time ago, I never told my mom about it at all. I was able to make up a lie to cover up why I'd be gone for an hour that day, and I figured I could keep lying to a certain point about it, and that she'd never be any the wiser. Unfortunately, the therapist sent something to me in the mail, my mom got a hold of it and opened it and found out about it, and she flipped out and had a huge fight with me about it. She never let up on me for almost a month or two about it, about how therapy is for people who are "mentally ill", and that "everyone is depressed". She would often burst into tears and make it all about her, that it was her fault I was "mentally ill", or whatever.

 

Don't get me wrong, I understand and agree with the idea that I should be doing what I need to do, and my mom should butt out and let me do my thing. But she won't. She's going to antagonize me and stress me out and guilt me, and I don't need that. How can I get better if I'm going to therapy, and then coming home to get lambasted by my mother for doing so, every time? It's too much of a toxic environment, here.

 

And as much as I could just lie to my mom about it, I don't know that I can come up with something believable that she wouldn't dissect and confront me on, and I don't have the energy to keep up some facade just because my mother can't handle me doing something to try to help myself.

 

Long story short, as much as I dislike my mother, she constantly forces herself into my life, and because I can't handle the stress of her nagging and guilting and whatnot, I try to avoid doing anything that will cause her to react this way. The way I see it, I'm already at such a low point as it is, I don't need her dumping more things on me to be stressed out about. I just can't handle it.

 

Ideally, I had hoped that I'd be able to find a good job and move out on my own. Then I would've been more willing to give this stuff a proper chance, because I wouldn't have to lie to my mom nor would I have to put up with her stressing me out over it, because I'd be on my own, I'd be able to do whatever without her forcing herself into my business.

 

But it goes back to being unable to find work that would give me the income to sustain myself on my own. So I'm stuck still living at home.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Finally! Someone I can relate to. I feel I too know myself very well, and in all the years I've been on this earth I have never had one quality friend, never been married, and never had a kid. There is nothing about my present being that shows that my circumstance will change in the future. I no longer have a sex drive. I have no interest in hearing about anyone else's day. To the outsider, this makes a sad life. For me, this is survival.

[eye of the storm]

Not wanting to deal with your mom's reactions is not silly or embarrassing. She has trained you to avoid upsetting her.

 

You can probably afford a mail box. Go to the doctor and have all mail sent there. Joining a group so you can learn how to make friends. Tell them it meets different places and different times (in case you can't get the same appointment all the time)

 

Now hear me out. If you have to lie about going out for an hour to a doctor's appointment...you stay home wayyy to much.

 

Go for a walk, go to a park and sit and enjoy the weather/view/fresh air. That will help with the depression. Right now you feel trapped and helpless. Get out of one of your prisons for a bit of a break. Just walk out the front door. And breath.

 

And you can rent a room in someones house for not much. It is a option.

 

But you have got to start working your way out of that house. Go for a walk. Its easy and its free. It does help. And while you are out there...don't forget to look up.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Well golly gee, only mentally ill people go to therapists? You don't say...

And she's wrong about everyone gets depressed. Everyone gets sad from time to time but not depressed. Depression is a sickness, and we are mentally sick. I suffer from depression, and it is a sickness and needs to be recognized as such. It is not a normal occurrence. There are people with worse jobs than you or don't have jobs and still float about happy.

 

 

There are people without companionship and still manage happiness. When these things happen to depressed people, the things are not what cause the depression. Difficult circumstances simply exacerbate the condition.

 

 

I used to believe that I felt "sad" all the time because I had not completed Maslow's hierarchy of needs. But as I've shown, most people don't have all their needs fulfilled, but they still achieve happiness. After reading through this thread, Eye of the Storm posts stick out to me. We really have to make a conscious decision to fight the depression and negative thoughts each day if we are truly miserable.

 

 

To the poster who sees relationships as burden, I so can relate right now. But again, reading some of these posts help me realize that I want to feel happiness again even if sadness follows. For me, finite happiness beats infinite sadness everyday of the week.

[eye of the storm]

Cupid's puppet, it is a choice. But, be warned, it is a hard choice. The monster in your head will fight. It will lie. It will take your fears and make them seem like your reality. But keep in mind, it lies.

 

And if the monster is fully entrenched, you need help fighting it.

 

I felt like there was no hope, no way out. The monster in my head knew my thoughts and stayed one step ahead of me.

 

How I finally got in front if it was I stopped focusing on what was wrong (me). I focused the tasks in front of me. I was given homework, and I focused on it. I was told to go outside and look up, I focused on the sky. By focusing on the tasks and on the work I needed to do...I started to feel less trapped by the monster.

 

The meds didn't help right away. I went on several different ones before I found one that worked for me. But I didn't quit.

 

You can't quit.

 

Do this, stand in the middle of the room. look around. you now have a choice, stand there or move. It is your choice. Standing still is a choice. Moving forwarding is a choice. Fighting your depression is exactly the same thing. It is a choice. Let it destroy you or fight.

 

I am so glad I fought. So many good things have happened to me since I got a handle on it. I am no longer on meds. I still do my exercises. I am still aware that the monster is in my head, it is weak and sleeps alot, but it is still there. So everyday I chose to be happy. I chose to not let the monster take over me again.

 

You can win this battle. If you chose to fight.

[Inflikted]

Yeah, for me, it seems as though my mother is my biggest detractor. She has a tendency to make everything about her, and to browbeat me/ guilt me into doing whatever she wants or whatever she thinks is best. She will never stop until she gets her way. And that's extremely stressful. I simply can't win against her.

 

Even when she's being illogical and I'm in the right, she plays dirty, because she has a sort of heart condition, and she'll frequently use that to make me feel bad. Any time something escalates between us, she starts going into "You're going to make me sick, then I'll end up in the hospital, maybe even die... Is that what you want, to put me in the hospital?" mode.

 

I hate that my mother has me on a leash, like this, but how am I supposed to win against that? She wants total control of everything around her, and she won't give it up.

 

It's not even just stuff like this, like therapy or whatever, it's just anything. For example, back a few years ago, when I thought I was making friends, I went out with a group of people a couple of times, and each time, my mom tried desperately to convince me not to go. She wasn't as bad with it, and I of course went out, but she still stressed me out and made me feel bad.

 

Over the last few years, I've occasionally mentioned in passing that I'd eventually like to move out, and she freaks out every time the subject comes up, and puts all kinds of horrible ideas in my head to talk me down.

 

And I give in, because it's just too stressful. I can't take the stress she constantly puts on me, so I try to just avoid doing things that I know will trigger her, altogether. And again, I don't have the strength to lie to her in order to cover up going to therapy. I could never hold up the lie, and it would just explode into a huge fight all over again.

 

I know this is going to sound stubborn, but I really don't want to live with someone else. If I move out, I want a place of my own. I don't want a roommate, I don't want to live in someone else's house. I just want my own space. And I know, people might argue that it's not so bad, that you don't have to interact much with the people you live with, etc. But I just can't do it, I can't move in with perfect strangers. If I had friends already, and decided to move in with one of them, I could *maybe* handle that, but I just can't do living with a person (or people) that I don't know.

 

And of course, that makes things more difficult, because that would put more financial burden on me, and I still can't find a better job for myself to sustain that.

[eye of the storm]

Inflikted, you are still making excuses.

 

I have never said this was going to be easy. But I am telling you it is achievable.

 

Small bites. That is how you eat a grizzly. Small bites.

 

Go for a walk. Simple, easy, free. Go for a walk.

 

Your mother is toxic. But she is survivable.

 

Small steps, moving into a rented room is not ideal but it gets you out from under her.

 

One tiny victory at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time.

 

You have options, you have choices. Blaming her for this is easy and she is probably a huge part of your issue. But blaming her keeps you from working on fixing you.

 

Go for a walk. Breath. Look up.

[Inflikted]

Yeah, no, I know it's not "easy". I'm not trying to place the blame on my mother, per se, and I'm not purposely "making excuses", I just feel like I can't get out of this massive hold she has on me. No matter what I say, or what I do, or where I got, etc., she's always going to find a way to get to me somehow. She's basically the living embodiment of the metaphorical "monster in my head" that you spoke of. The stress she causes me over every little thing wears me down so much, it just saps everything out of me.

 

As it is, I have trouble having confidence and "conviction" in making decisions for myself, and I'm constantly second guessing everything and freaking myself out over the details. And then she finds a way to pile on top and plant even more seeds out of doubt in my head.

 

For instance, with the whole "moving out" thing, that scares me on a lot of levels, because I don't know the first thing about renting or leasing, or whatever, a place to live, nor do I feel like I know how to take care of things and maintain everything on my own. And my mom, of course, puts me in a darker place, because she brings up things like "You'll get robbed! Someone might break in and murder you! etc", and of course, a lot of that stuff is silly and irrational, but... those things occur to me, too, and really freak me out. I have some nice, expensive things I would want to take with me, so I DO worry I'd get robbed somewhere, and I don't know how to be "safe" enough to NOT get attacked or killed by someone lurking around a corner near where I live. She just knows exactly what to say to get the darkest places of my mind going, and I become convinced, for example, that I WILL get robbed, that I WILL get attacked, or something crazy.

 

Anyway, again, I apologize for sounding stubborn and making excuses, but I just refuse to move in with other people, in any capacity. I have severe trust issues and paranoia when it comes to people, and I just couldn't handle living with people, especially those I consider to be total strangers. If I'm going to move out, I need a place of my own, whether it be an apartment, or whatever. I just can't put enough trust and faith into random people to be comfortable living with strangers. Wouldn't really do me much good if I were losing sleep every night, because I'm keeping myself awake worrying that my roommate(s) might be crazy and try to kill me in my sleep, or go through my stuff and steal from me.

[eye of the storm]

Remember, I told you they lie. The monster in your head lies. Sounds like your mother does too.

 

Anything or anyone that does nothing but feed your fears is lying.

 

Yes, the world can be a scary place. But living in a prison cell you created and staffed with your own guards that will eventually kill your soul and your spirit.

 

Small steps. stop looking 20 steps ahead. Focus on the step right in front of you. Did you go for a walk?

 

Each step makes the next one just a bit easier.

 

Go for a walk.