Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[elaine567]

 

I know he chose his wife, not me so I wasn't that important to him. If he truly loved me he would be with me and not there, right?

 

Right!

[Cressida]

I'm glad to see that this communication from him gives you a little something to stand on, and that you're getting a tiny bit more 'assertive' in how you should progress from now on.

 

Please remember- it is not about his wife, that he prefers her over you, because she's prettier, her cookies are better and she has puffier hair. It is because of the circumstances. Keep telling this to yourself until it sinks in and you will feel much better. The pain you're going through is because you feel rejected and unwanted, mostly. Yes you will still want to be with hi, at least for as long as you will have feelings for him, but the urge to contact him and to be with him will exponentially decrease, proportionally with him showing you that it wasn't because he doesn't love you- i.e. you ARE good enough to say the least, but because things prevent him from acting upon his feelings.

 

Read the blog. The dude gives tremendously insightful advice and explanations for absolutely everything. It has helped me a lot. Print out the posts you deem most interesting and always read them when you feel that your self-confidence and determination are diminishing. He gives a male perspective and that's why it's so important to take into account what he says.

 

And last but not least, do not answer him. He isn't asking you anything, he isn't calling you to meet him. Don't answer until he summons you to a meeting/phonecall. Let him simmer for a little bit

[Monicaxxx]

Please remember- it is not about his wife, that he prefers her over you, because she's prettier, her cookies are better and she has puffier hair. It is because of the circumstances.

 

Is it not? She may be older than me, may not be prettier, better, etc. but he still chose her so he didn't love me. I'm not saying I'm prettier or better than her but since he decided to stay with her, it means that he chose the person he loves and it wasn't me.

 

The pain you're going through is because you feel rejected and unwanted, mostly.

 

Yes, very much so.

 

 

...but the urge to contact him and to be with him will exponentially decrease, proportionally with him showing you that it wasn't because he doesn't love you- i.e. you ARE good enough to say the least, but because things prevent him from acting upon his feelings.

 

Wasn't it because he didn't love me? But everyone is saying that if he loved me, he would be with me.

 

And last but not least, do not answer him. He isn't asking you anything, he isn't calling you to meet him. Don't answer until he summons you to a meeting/phonecall. Let him simmer for a little bit

 

I understand that, I know he didn't tell me he wants me back in his life and didn't ask to see or etc. I won't reply to that message.

 

 

I still hurt a lot but I feel like I learned a lot from this situation I got myself into. I don't know how it develops further but I am definitely smarter now and will not make such a silly choice ever again.

[Redheaded Mistress]

He's mom asked him what I was like and about me plans for Xmas. Why would she do that?????? Seriously, why? I totally don't understand it!!!??? So why?

 

She was gauging if he was/is serious about you, if you're worth leaving his wife for, and if you're on a holding pattern for him and if he's biting. Pretty smart really.

 

Do you think that was a final goodbye on his part?

 

Only time will tell.

 

Did he really dump me?

 

Sounds like it.

 

Does it mean that if he chose her (some of my friends say he chose his kids, not her) he doesn't love me and care about me?

 

She comes with the kids, so if he chose the kuds, he chose her too. Or more accurately, he chose his family which means he chose her as well. If he loves you or not doesn't matter... He didn't choose you. He chose to try and fix his relationship with his family, that includes her.

 

Is it possible that he loves me but chose his kids not to hurt the more? Do I have any chances here?

 

Again, choosing the kids is choosing her. If he's going back for them, it doesn't change that part of that means physical, emotional, financial, and sexual support of his wife.

 

Do you have a chance? Maybe. If he didn't tell her he stayed with you after being chucked out, I'd say he's about to get booted out again for good. Otherwise, if she invited him back, she cracked the door to reconcilling.

[Popsicle]

The mistake you made was in not warmly receiving him after he asked to stay with you after being kicked out. He wanted you to receive him after being dumped by wife, but you did the same thing she did and pushed him away/rejected him. Now he had to make a choice between two women who rejected him and since you both made it hard, he went to the one who he had the most ties (kids, family, etc etc) with, his wife. Clearly he still wants you though and doesn't have that much faith in his M.

Edited December 21, 2014 by Popsicle

[Monicaxxx]

The mistake you made was in not warmly receiving him after he asked to stay with you after being kicked out. He wanted you to receive him after being dumped by wife, but you did the same thing she did and pushed him away/rejected him. Now he had to make a choice between two women who rejected him and since you both made it hard, he went to the one who he had the most ties (kids, family, etc etc) with, his wife. Clearly he still wants you though and doesn't have that much faith in his M.

 

I DID let him come to my place. I did not reject him.

[Monicaxxx]

Never ever agree to be someone's hidden lover. He definitely isn't worth your reputation, your sanity nor your feelings.

 

I won't be. I am not sure of we'll be in touch after a while - what happened still hurts me and I am not over him yet - so I haven't make up my mind on that yet but I definitely know I won't be his lover again.

[Monicaxxx]

...besides, I think the reason he texted me is maybe because he misses me but that doesn't mean he will ever tell me he wants me. In fact, he may not contact me again or give up texting anyway if I keep ignoring him. Hmm... if he sees I won't sleep with him again, he will simply get bored texting.

[Cressida]

...besides, I think the reason he texted me is maybe because he misses me but that doesn't mean he will ever tell me he wants me. In fact, he may not contact me again or give up texting anyway if I keep ignoring him. Hmm... if he sees I won't sleep with him again, he will simply get bored texting.

 

He might be yanking your chain to see you're still there for him. For whatever reason, he does miss you, and does think about you. BUT he is with his family.

 

If you want to twist his arm and push him towards giving you what you want, i.e. a fair and honest explanation, so you'd know straight from the horse's mouth what's going on and how to move on yourself, do not answer him under any circumstance. Let him mind-f*ck himself and start blowing up your phone/inbox. If you answer you'll just be 'rewarming the soup' and he won't have any reason to notice that it ain't hot....but if it's cold, he will, trust me.

 

WHEN he asks you to come see him/meet up somewhere/come to your house, accept it.

 

Meet him and talk to him about what you want to know. Make a list before, write it down to be coherent and direct. No bullsh*t. Just ask him so you'd know and end the torture.

 

After he tells you what you want to know, then you decide what to do. It could be the case that you'll have to cut him off completely. Be prepared for this, have a pretty outfit lined up and a friend on speed dial to go out with the exact night. Prepare yourself mentally.

 

If he tries to string you along, 'baby i'll divorce in 8 years, you know, the kids are too young and my youngest goes to school and she/he said this, and my wife said this, blabla just wait for me', do not do that under any circumstance. I did it for almost two years. It will end up making you hate him, his children, his whole family, yourself, your life, the world, president Obama, corporations, war in the Middle East, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Just don't do this to yourself.

 

Be prepared, I am 100% sure he will start yanking the chain more and more until he gets an answer.

[Popsicle]

 

If he tries to string you along, 'baby i'll divorce in 8 years, you know, the kids are too young and my youngest goes to school and she/he said this, and my wife said this, blabla just wait for me', do not do that under any circumstance. I did it for almost two years. It will end up making you hate him, his children, his whole family, yourself, your life, the world, president Obama, corporations, war in the Middle East, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Just don't do this to yourself.

 

That is funny!

[Monicaxxx]

And the giving him space bit to figure out what he wants, even though that night, at that moment in time, he was not asking for or wanting that because he wanted you.

 

You are wrong, he actually asked me what I thought about it.

[Cressida]

You are wrong, he actually asked me what I thought about it.

 

Monica, what exactly did he say in his e-mail? Only that he misses you and nothing else? When he told you before that he wouldn't be in touch for a month, how did the conversation go? Did he say anything else other than that?

[Monicaxxx]

Monica, what exactly did he say in his e-mail? Only that he misses you and nothing else? When he told you before that he wouldn't be in touch for a month, how did the conversation go? Did he say anything else other than that?

 

When he contacted me yesterday? Only that he missed me and sent 3 kisses.

 

Nothing else, that's why I decided to ignore it.

 

He probably thought about the nice time we spent together and felt a bit lonely.

 

I know nothing has changed.

 

When he called me to tell me he wouldn't contact me for some time we talked for about 15 mins.

 

I was calm and agreed with it. Told him it was nice to hear from him and that I wouldn't contact him either then, to which he replied that it's not like he is never going to contact me again and that he will after a month or so. That he needs kids to trust him again, that he wants to tell them that he is not in touch with me when they ask him and he doesn't want to lie to them.

 

He told me about his parents' reaction when he told them he was still in touch with me and they they were very understanding.

 

That his wife is treating him badly now and if she continues like this, he won't wait for her to file for divorce but he will leave on his own will.

 

That he doesn't want to promise me anything or keep me waiting in case he can't be with me but that he hopes we could be together.

 

Towards the end of our conversation he said that it's not fair that he needs to stop contacting me now as I'm the only person who understands him, who supports him and makes him happy. That he was trying so many times to make his marriage work but she was never interested in him and his efforts and now was angry at her that she can't see her part in him pushing him away and in the end falling in love with me.

 

He was angry at her.

 

I said I hoped things would work out for him and that was more or less it.

[Monicaxxx]

Cressida, I forgot to ask you one thing: I think he might contact me again just to wish me happy Xmas. Should I wish him happy Xmas too if he does it, reply in any other way or ignore it?

[Monicaxxx]

Oh, and end the end he said he really loved me and his voice was breaking down like he was about to cry. (but he never cries).

[Cressida]

If he wishes you happy X-mas, reply with happy X-mas or another standard greeting, nothing more. After all, you two aren't at war, you didn't have an argument, it's the polite thing to do. Treat him like an office colleague. Thank you, same to you, merry holidays or whatever.

 

The point is not to show you are hurt, upset, pissed, but that you understand what he said and that you are acting accordingly. The pissed part can come at a later time.

 

He said he won't contact you for a month and you said you understand- you act upon it. You do as you said, regardless of him sending kisses. That's not contact.

 

He said he doesn't want you to wait- you act upon it. You go about your life and start dating. Just for the heck of it, just to get back in the game, 'on the market'. It doesn't have to be serious, don't feel scared or uncomfortable. Just date, enjoy yourself, make friends (it can be new female friends to just go out/hang out with).

 

He said he hopes you two get together at some point- you act upon it. You go about your business while he resolves his. Give him the 'respect' that you must show as an adult and allow him to bond with his kids. The less you're in the picture, the more he'll wonder what's going on and try to sort things out with his wife.

 

He said he might divorce her if things don't change, and that he'll do it either way, as in because he's unhappy and not because he had a relationship with you- good in theory. Let's see the practice.

 

You act upon everything you two discussed. You don't fall into the trick with 'he said X, therefore I assume I'm supposed to wait by the phone for 24 months until he decides what to do'. You do not assume anything.

 

After a month, if he hasn't said anything, you do not contact him.

 

After 45 days, if he contacted you before and you didn't answer at that time, you contact him as in you respond to his previous message and inquire about what's going on.

 

We'll see about that at a later time.

 

Most of the times men get in their rational mode, they say something and they mean it, and they stick to it, while us women get in our emotional role, we double and second-guess ourselves, we act upon our emotions, we interpret and decipher and dissect his words. I have done it myself and it cost me dearly.

 

Don't do that. Do exactly as you said, and as you agreed. Then you'll see what he does.

 

Note- my personal opinion, as always. Feel free to adapt what I said to your own desire/wish.

[jellybean89]

You did. This is what I'm talking about.

And the giving him space bit to figure out what he wants, even though that night, at that moment in time, he was not asking for or wanting that because he wanted you.

 

Yes, you are slowly acting like and becoming just like his wife. Maybe he will grow weary and stop texting you, if that is what you want.

 

How would you know about anything like this? The MM you have been crushing on for years has never even met you & ignores you. Stop projecting your own misery onto her. How would you know what acting like a wife is?

 

Cressida, I forgot to ask you one thing: I think he might contact me again just to wish me happy Xmas. Should I wish him happy Xmas too if he does it, reply in any other way or ignore it?

 

No, do not. NC means no contact. Even to say MC. Are you looking for an excuse to contact him? Just ignore it. He thinks it's okay to continue to lie to his kids, by pretending to not contact you, and they will trust him again? Fat chance. Move on. He isn't leaving unless she kicks him out. Do you want him by default?

 

I also don't believe a word he has told you about his parents reaction. No parent would be "understanding" of their adult child having an affair and throwing away their family for someone 20 years younger. No way.

[Cressida]

I think it's better if she answers as they didn't agree on NC. He said he wouldn't be contacting her as he wants to put things in order with his kids.

Plus, a holiday greeting thing isn't super duper contact. They didn't have a full-blown argument, they just agreed on not talking/seeing each other for a while. The greeting thing is just a season's thing and nothing more. I see it that way...if there's no bad blood and HE initiates, no problem to answer....

 

You're right however about the parents thing. Monica, I also feel it is strange for the parents of a twice-married middle-aged man to support him like that about a much younger woman, when they most probably know that he's having issues with his marriage....it just sounds 'too good to be true'.

 

It could be the 1% case that he isn't lying...that he's telling the truth. We don't know what goes on behind the closed doors of his home, how he argues with his wife, the stuff that they discuss, and what he tells his parents.

 

This is the mindf*ck issue, that one never knows....

[Monicaxxx]

 

You're right however about the parents thing. Monica, I also feel it is strange for the parents of a twice-married middle-aged man to support him like that about a much younger woman, when they most probably know that he's having issues with his marriage....it just sounds 'too good to be true'. [/i]....

 

I agree, I also find it weird. he said they weren't impressed with his behaviour and that his mom said it was silly of him to continue contacting me after his wife found out.

[anika99]

You did. This is what I'm talking about.

And the giving him space bit to figure out what he wants, even though that night, at that moment in time, he was not asking for or wanting that because he wanted you.

 

Yes, you are slowly acting like and becoming just like his wife. Maybe he will grow weary and stop texting you, if that is what you want.

 

 

What are you on about? Many a MM has gone to stay with his OW when his wife temporarily kicks him out only to go running back home in a few days or weeks anyways. If the OP had let him stay with her and then he went back home she would have felt even worse then she does now because she would feel like he tried her out and then picked his wife.

 

 

Besides, when a family is breaking up and the kids are hurting, that is not the time for the MM to run away and move in with his mistress. That would be a horrible way to start off a new relationship and both the OP and the MM in this case used good judgement in their decision for him not to stay with her.

 

 

OP I think you are doing the right things now. Just stay strong and try to ignore his pathetic attempts to keep your attention while also trying to rug sweep with his wife so he can stay at home. Oh is his wife treating him badly now? Poor guy. How did he think she should treat him upon discovering his cheating. Did he think she would cry and beg him to give her chance to prove that she is better than you? lol...he's sounds full of himself. You can do so much better.

[Popsicle]

You are wrong, he actually asked me what I thought about it.

 

Monica, you have your mind fixed and can't see anything else. I wonder why you even ask the questions you have in your OP, then...

 

Just forget about him and think if him as garbage if you are so convinced.

[Monicaxxx]

Monica, you have your mind fixed and can't see anything else. I wonder why you even ask the questions you have in your OP, then...

 

Just forget about him and think if him as garbage if you are so convinced.

 

You are wrong again.

 

I made a mistake getting involved with a MM, whom I deeply love.

 

If you read my posts from the beginning, you should see that my perception of the whole situation and his intentions have changed and now, thanks to the posts from other people and their advice and all the time they've taken to help, I can finally see it for what it is.

[Monicaxxx]

What are you on about? Many a MM has gone to stay with his OW when his wife temporarily kicks him out only to go running back home in a few days or weeks anyways. If the OP had let him stay with her and then he went back home she would have felt even worse then she does now because she would feel like he tried her out and then picked his wife.

 

 

Besides, when a family is breaking up and the kids are hurting, that is not the time for the MM to run away and move in with his mistress. That would be a horrible way to start off a new relationship and both the OP and the MM in this case used good judgement in their decision for him not to stay with her.

 

 

OP I think you are doing the right things now. Just stay strong and try to ignore his pathetic attempts to keep your attention while also trying to rug sweep with his wife so he can stay at home. Oh is his wife treating him badly now? Poor guy. How did he think she should treat him upon discovering his cheating. Did he think she would cry and beg him to give her chance to prove that she is better than you? lol...he's sounds full of himself. You can do so much better.

 

 

Yes, I didn't think it was a good idea if he stayed with me only because his wife kicked him out. I would be happy to be with him but only if he made a conscious decision he wanted it and not because he had no choice.

 

 

I think he was more angry at his wife that she still can't see how she have been pushing him away for the last few years and that she blames only his that their marriage got to this point rather than being angry at her that she is mad at him for cheating on jer.

[Popsicle]

You are wrong again.

 

I made a mistake getting involved with a MM, whom I deeply love.

 

If you read my posts from the beginning, you should see that my perception of the whole situation and his intentions have changed and now, thanks to the posts from other people and their advice and all the time they've taken to help, I can finally see it for what it is.

 

Well it's for the best then. If some betrayed spouses with agendas can scare you away from him that easily, then you didn't love him that deeply.

[Cressida]

Well it's for the best then. If some betrayed spouses with agendas can scare you away from him that easily, then you didn't love him that deeply.

 

She's only trying to protect herself, Popsicle. Get over the pain, mostly, and find that clarity of mind that most women involved with MM lose the minute they fall in love. It's not that she doesn't love him.....