Author Monicaxxx Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 From my point of view your MM did love you. You were wonderful for him. He wished that he could keep you AND his wife and children. Things didn't work out that way. Now you are his escape plan. He's chosen his wife and family and will be working very hard to reconcile. If it doesn't work out, he will quite possibly come back to you. The result is that he's not putting 100% into reconciliation. That isn't helping him at all. When things get rough (and reconciliation isn't easy) he may well reach out to you to see if you are still there. And THAT is why you need to stop all contact with him. Responding to any attempted contact by him only makes it less likely that he will reconcile. So what if I still want him? Link to post Share on other sites
Cressida Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) Monica, if you still want him, you have to wait for him to contact you. Don't answer to any in-between happy NYE messages or any 'i miss you'-s, or other such irrelevant things. Respond once he asks you to speak with him or meet him. If he doesn't, you can either ask him yourself or draw your own conclusion. If what you need is 100% closure, to have that final conversation with him, after the 'deadline' you two agreed on. If you guys ever discuss on your 'what next' and he goes with his family, you should never contact or answer or anything. Please prepare yourself. Consider this period as your purgatory, you've already taken a large amount of suffering out of your system. There's nothing more I personally believe that you can do without appearing desperate or even affecting his already fragile family life, which would push him even farther away from you. You have to do everything in your own benefit, prioritizing yourself, your happiness, your future. Start rebuilding your social life. Ask friends to set you up on blind dates. Go out dancing or to someone's birthday party, go out with your sister, her friends, go anywhere and everywhere. In a few months MM will only be a bad memory to you. Don't stay hooked up on the pain, the memories and over-analyzing the 'what if's. It will only end up sending you onto a pain trip that will just throw you down a spiral of what you've been going through over the past month. You don't deserve this, nobody deserves this. Edited December 28, 2014 by Cressida Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted December 29, 2014 Author Share Posted December 29, 2014 Monica, if you still want him, you have to wait for him to contact you. Don't answer to any in-between happy NYE messages or any 'i miss you'-s, or other such irrelevant things. I can feel very strongly now that he gave up on me. It hurts so much ; ( BTW, it's been two weeks now since we talked last time. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I can feel very strongly now that he gave up on me. It hurts so much ; ( BTW, it's been two weeks now since we talked last time. If he really loved you, would he allow you to sit around wondering about what's going on? Would he really expect you to wait and see if he can work it out with another woman? As for the kids. Here is were I have a hard time with MM using this lame excuse. If his motivation was really the happiness of his kids would he be in an affair in the first place? He went back to his wife because its were he wants to be, and she is who he wants to be with. So if the marriage doesn't work and he comes to you would you or can you really be happy long term knowing or thinking he is only with you because SHE didn't want him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted December 29, 2014 Author Share Posted December 29, 2014 I can't sleep. I feel so bad, his rejection hurts even more now than at the beginning. I'm afraid that he won't contact me and won't want to talk to me and I really need it I can't take it any more, it's getting too much ; ( Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 I am so angry at him! How could he tell me he loved me so much and it came to him so easily not to contact me now at all?!?! Last time I saw him he said he wanted to buy a new phone so he can contact me from it. He could easily contact me from work without anyone knowing. He just didn't care about me! I'm so mad at him I'm boiling inside!!! ;( Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Monica, I think you really need to pull yourself together, dear. I know this stuff hurts. I do. But there comes a point when you've got to get a grip, and that time for you is now. Honestly, do you really think you'll never hear from him again? I think that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Especially knowing how almost all men act in these situations. I can pretty much guarantee you that you'll hear from him again. So, if I were you, I'd spend my time deciding what I will do once I hear from him. Because you will hear from him. Sit back and watch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 Honestly, do you really think you'll never hear from him again? I think that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Especially knowing how almost all men act in these situations. I can pretty much guarantee you that you'll hear from him again. So, if I were you, I'd spend my time deciding what I will do once I hear from him. Because you will hear from him. Sit back and watch. He might send me NY wishes but I feel very strongly that he won't contact me other than that and even if he does it again, it will always be a short, meaningless message. No, I don't believe he will ever ask me to meet up and talk about the situation and of he does it will be just to tell me things are now good with his wife and he doesn't want to be in touch with me because he doesn't want to spoil it. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 He might send me NY wishes but I feel very strongly that he won't contact me other than that and even if he does it again, it will always be a short, meaningless message. No, I don't believe he will ever ask me to meet up and talk about the situation and of he does it will be just to tell me things are now good with his wife and he doesn't want to be in touch with me because he doesn't want to spoil it. You're just being naive and thinking thoughts that are just dragging you deeper into the well of depression. Seriously, do you REALLY think that his marriage has transformed itself overnight? If you think that, then you're not being very realistic. His marriage is in a highly precarious place and, even if he stays in it and no matter how it looks on the outside, it is crumbling, crippled and wounded. It's likely that it'll never recover. But, if he's anything like my ex, he'll stay until one of them draws their last breath. I know that my ex is miserable, I know he and his wife argue all the time, and I know that he will never leave. Do you know how that made me feel when I first figured that out? At first, I thought about how much of my time I spent on him. How I pinned my hopes and dreams on him. How much heartache the relationship caused me. Then I thought about how much better off I am than he is and how I'm glad not to be stuck like him. Because there is nothing worse than being in a bad marriage. And I have options and possibilities that he doesn't have. And, lastly, I'm so glad that I ended things with him. The truth is, you don't know what he's going to do. Time has a way of changing things and he will be back hoping to resume things with you the way they once were. The question is, are you going to be the "you're nothing to me until you're everything" girl, or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 You're just being naive and thinking thoughts that are just dragging you deeper into the well of depression. Seriously, do you REALLY think that his marriage has transformed itself overnight? If you think that, then you're not being very realistic. His marriage is in a highly precarious place and, even if he stays in it and no matter how it looks on the outside, it is crumbling, crippled and wounded. It's likely that it'll never recover. But, if he's anything like my ex, he'll stay until one of them draws their last breath. I know that my ex is miserable, I know he and his wife argue all the time, and I know that he will never leave. Do you know how that made me feel when I first figured that out? At first, I thought about how much of my time I spent on him. How I pinned my hopes and dreams on him. How much heartache the relationship caused me. Then I thought about how much better off I am than he is and how I'm glad not to be stuck like him. Because there is nothing worse than being in a bad marriage. And I have options and possibilities that he doesn't have. And, lastly, I'm so glad that I ended things with him. The truth is, you don't know what he's going to do. Time has a way of changing things and he will be back hoping to resume things with you the way they once were. The question is, are you going to be the "you're nothing to me until you're everything" girl, or not? There's so many divorced people... why can't our MM get a divorce than? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) There's so many divorced people... why can't our MM get a divorce than? Most of those divorces were probably instigated by the woman. As my xMM once said to me, "You're braver than I am." He admired me for being able to walk away from past relationships but couldn't do it himself. Most people are not going to think and act the way you would in this situation. That's the thing you need to wrap your mind around. All the flowery talk about how love conquers all is not true. Men almost never leave their marriage just because they have fallen in love with someone else. There usually has to be other factors. All you can do is let him make his choice and move on with your life. And learn from it. You knew somewhere in the back of your mind that you were undertaking a huge risk by getting involved with a MM. I knew it but didn't want to admit defeat, wanted to blame him for being seductive and charming and everything else. But I knew he was high risk. No matter what, I knew that. But I was banking on our deep love and friendship to pull us through. I was dead wrong. I learned that lesson in a very hard way. Now, I wouldn't even look twice at a MM. I broke my own personal rules with xMM, but I will never do that again. As sucky as it is to hear it, sometimes that's all we can do is learn from it. Edited December 31, 2014 by bathtub-row 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 There's so many divorced people... why can't our MM get a divorce than? In a marriage there are people who cheat and people who would most likely never cheat. When a marriage becomes rocky and unsaveable, then sometimes that person who is not naturally a cheater, calls time on the marriage, they look at the pros and cons and decide it is not for them and either leave or ask the other partner to leave, or they both sell up and move on. That is the adult way to behave, "It is not working, we move on to better things." When a partner in a rocky marriage cheats, they are not taking the responsibility or risk of packing up their marriage. They abdicate that responsibility. They do not want to seek happiness through their own adventures and endeavours, by facing the world alone. They stay where they are, safe in the marriage and seek happiness from external sources ie an OM or OW. The calculated risk they take is that they will not be found out, but that is less of a risk than having to up sticks and make it on their own. SO their default position is always to make it easier for themselves. In a dday situation, "easier for themselves" often means ditching or denying the AP, in favour of the house, the home, the wife/husband, the kids, the family, the friends, the neighbours, work, the assets, the life style...etc. etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 There's so many divorced people... why can't our MM get a divorce than? Because your MM, like others, doesn't want to divorce. He is where he wants to be. Some men are just okay with it being an affair. They are not looking to leave, even if the hint or give you (general you) hope that someday they will. They are happy enough having two women meet all their needs so there's no reason to change things. People who want to divorce, do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I am so angry at him! How could he tell me he loved me so much and it came to him so easily not to contact me now at all?!?! Last time I saw him he said he wanted to buy a new phone so he can contact me from it. He could easily contact me from work without anyone knowing. He just didn't care about me! I'm so mad at him I'm boiling inside!!! ;( Monica, This is good and healthy, IMO. Get mad and stay mad. It is NOT okay for someone you love and you invested in to treat you this badly. Don't accept it. Ever. It means you have to move on from him, you know. This is unforgivable. You can't allow someone you picked to pick someone else - regardless of his reasons. Either you pick me or you get your @ss out. That needs to be your rule. When you do this, you create equity in your relationships and fundamentally, they become sustainable. IMO only, most affairs are not sustainable because there is no equity. One person is WAY more invested in the other, particularly with MM/SW situations. Don't ever invest more than the other person invests. In this case, you thought he was as invested as you and you got duped. Shame on him. But, don't let yourself get duped again. Hold strong. Next New Year's, you will hopefully be celebrating with someone who deserves you! Hugs, GG 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GildedLily Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I haven't read any updates, please don't keep in contact with his man. To do so after knowing he is married is tearing apart a family, he loves her. He CHOSE her, not just to marry but even after your affair. He wants her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 Monica, This is good and healthy, IMO. Get mad and stay mad. It is NOT okay for someone you love and you invested in to treat you this badly. Don't accept it. Ever. It means you have to move on from him, you know. This is unforgivable. You can't allow someone you picked to pick someone else - regardless of his reasons. Either you pick me or you get your @ss out. That needs to be your rule. When you do this, you create equity in your relationships and fundamentally, they become sustainable. IMO only, most affairs are not sustainable because there is no equity. One person is WAY more invested in the other, particularly with MM/SW situations. Don't ever invest more than the other person invests. In this case, you thought he was as invested as you and you got duped. Shame on him. But, don't let yourself get duped again. Hold strong. Next New Year's, you will hopefully be celebrating with someone who deserves you! Hugs, GG Thank you, I hope you are right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) He just sent me a message: "Thank you so much for 2014 such a special year with you in it. hope 2015 is good for both of us. xxxxxxxx" Not saying anything about us... Well, looks like things between him and his wife are getting better ;( He doesn't want me any more ; ( Edited January 1, 2015 by Monicaxxx Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 He just sent me a message: "Thank you so much for 2014 such a special year with you in it. hope 2015 is good for both of us. xxxxxxxx" Not saying anything about us... Well, looks like things between him and his wife are getting better ;( He doesn't want me any more ; ( Why do you waste any more energy on this guy? You should make sure he's any part of your 2015. It's just.. a waste of energy. How is he worth it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 Why do you waste any more energy on this guy? You should make sure he's any part of your 2015. It's just.. a waste of energy. How is he worth it? Because I love him. I feel so sad now He doesn't want me any more. It was so easy for him to leave me :( Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 ... to leave me AND to end any contact with me. Now that Xmas and NYE are out of the way, he has no reason to contact me again "( My heart will break now Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Because I love him. I feel so sad now He doesn't want me any more. It was so easy for him to leave me :( For your own sake you need to unlove him. The only way is NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 For your own sake you need to unlove him. The only way is NC. But it hurts so much! He rejected me! Just like that. I never meant anything to him. He's OK with me not being in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monicaxxx Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 ... all that lovely time we spent together meant nothing to him! Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Monica, He isn't contacting you to resume the affair because if his wife finds out again, she WILL kick him out for good and that isn't what he wants. What do you "love" about him? Think about it...what is there to love about him? He is unfaithful. He is disrespectful. He is untrustworthy. He is a liar. he is a cheater. He plays games with women. He knows he has hurt you and he doesn't seem to care. he thinks he can send you a text as if that means anything. he has had plenty of time to call you if he wanted to. No person is hand cuffed to another person. he is just choosing to invest back into his wife. Truly sit back and think about what it is you "love" about him. Maybe you liked feeling wanted by him, but you can get that feeling from a single man, someone who isn't lying to others and hurting others. Make 2015 the year for YOU and that you won't allow someone to use you again. Make it a year for you to shine and for you to not accept less than you deserve from anyone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 But it hurts so much! He rejected me! Just like that. I never meant anything to him. He's OK with me not being in his life. Perhaps starting from the beginning of when you posted you need to review what so many other people have said to you from the beginning. The more energy you waste on this guy the more it takes away from your life. Do you want to continue like this? You need learn how to unlove him, and let this go. You keep saying how much it hurts, if you don't face up to it, it's just going to hurt more and more. He's not hurting. You are. If you keep living in your web of denial, you will keep hurting forever. Please learn to let him go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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