Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[Monicaxxx]

I was married for nearly 25 years to another guy, and in that marriage, I had 2 kids.

In this one?

none.

But who needs kids at 47?

I needed fun - and I got me some!!

 

XX Evan.

 

25 years is a long time, it scares me a bit actually.

People change so much in such a long time.

 

The person I've been the longest for is...myself. But it's only because I can't just leave myself.

 

Do you think that I can still find peace and love after all that mess I put myself in?

[evanescentworld]

Is the world turning?

 

Honey, there are nearly 7 billion people on this planet. Don't tell me not one of them is suited to you.

 

Jeesh, trust me on this one. Never go looking for anything other than freeing yourself from negative thoughts.

You fulfil yourself, you don't hang on and depend on someone else to complete you.

That will never happen, and rightly so.

 

Until you are 100% happy with the person you are, and feel perfectly happy, contented, serene and validated by your own company - why would you think anyone else could, or should do that for you?

 

Be on your own for a while.

Re-discover who you are. Establish your boundaries. Determine what you will, and won't stand for.

 

I guarantee, before you know it, some lucky guy will think "Well hell-oooo beautiful!"

[Monicaxxx]

Be on your own for a while.

Re-discover who you are. Establish your boundaries. Determine what you will, and won't stand for.

 

I guarantee, before you know it, some lucky guy will think "Well hell-oooo beautiful!"

 

Thank you for your words, much appreciated.

 

I am not sure though how experiences like that make us stronger?

I see how they can make us smarter but stronger?

 

I feel weaker and weaker with every break up.

[evanescentworld]

Are you dead?

Then you're stronger.

It may not feel like it yet.

Rather like a bone with a new titanium core.

The flesh has to heal, the scars have to bond, the wound has to get better.

But in the end, you won't be looking at the clouds with the silver lining.

You'll be walking on them.

[CALOVELY]

Thank you for your words, much appreciated.

 

I am not sure though how experiences like that make us stronger?

I see how they can make us smarter but stronger?

 

I feel weaker and weaker with every break up.

 

It will make you stronger in that you will never allow somebody to treat you like this in the future. When you know better, you do better and are stronger for it. Your resolve won't get broken. That is strength.

[elaine567]

I read this today - slightly different scenario, but very inspiring.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/506561-losing-my-wife-betrayal-2.html#post6058940

[truncated]

I don't want to sound rude, but try putting this situation into perspective, then ask yourself if it's really worth all this pain and heartache. If the answer is "no", then you may have to find that you mentally stop yourself from thinking about it. have you ever heard the saying about luxuriating in your pain? Sometimes, it's easier to stay where we are, painful as it may be, than to move forward and face the unknown.

 

It sounds like you are really hurting and you need to begin to move on. Try taking a weekend away, sans phone, computer or anything else that you might use to "feed the beast" of your pain. Spend that time aone with yourself, and ask yourself some tough questions about why you are stuck in such a painful spot and what is keeping you from moving forward, if even by inches.

[bathtub-row]

This is a beautiful post, thank you for taking your time to write it. It helps a lot even though I still hurt a lot.

This is exactly how I feel now. It hurts me so much yet I can't cry a single tear. It feels like I am dead inside.

 

What I'm wondering is how you managed to completely miss the point of Cressida's post. Re-read it, please.

 

Beautiful post, Cressida.

Edited December 19, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Raena]

 

2. DO NOT, I BEG OF YOU, DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY

 

You are doing EXACTLY what I used to, but in a different manner- Brace yourselves, you guys. What I used to do was that I used to look at photos of his wife (I personally know my exMM's wife, long story), comparing them with my photos. Try to see if she is more beautiful than me. The woman is much older than me and objectively less attractive. But I thought that i had to see, I had to know. I swear, laugh all you guys want but I have no reason to lie, that's how mad I was. I used to remember what her voice sounds like and try to compare it with mine, to see if she sounds better. I studied her body language like a hawk to see if she's more demure, delicate, feminine than me. I watched them together like an eagle and tried to listed to everything she was saying, notice her choice of words, to be able to extract every little smidgen of information I could about her personality. Why her and not me. I want this man for myself. He loves me. I was a WOMAN POSSESSED.

 

It was me who put these thoughts in my head. It was my insecurity, a deeply-ingrained feeling of misery, unhappiness, feeling unwanted, feeling like the fifth wheel. I was just beginning to spin out of control, my mind was consumed of thoughts of them together, what are they doing, what if they have sex, he would never tell me, omg, no no he can't do that, he loves me, she isn't attractive anymore, etc. My head would hurt, I wouldn't be able to sleep, at some point I just stopped eating

 

This one part of your long response really hit home for me as a BS. THIS explains WHY my exes OW is STILL comparing herself to me. It's what she did for a year and a half while I was completely BLIND to what was going on (because I was being lied to) and it's what she is STILL doing over a year after I found out what was going on and kicked him out.

 

I mean honestly, I didn't even know she existed but I can tell you without a doubt that she was doing this to herself... comparing herself to me and saying things like "why doesn't he want to be with me, I'm younger, prettier, she's old and fat and ugly, what does he SEE in her that he can't have with me"

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm past the point of knocking you down for your experiences... either you or the OP.... but hearing this kind of stuff just makes me scratch my head in disbelief. Why bother comparing yourself to someone he (MM) chose to be with and then chose to cheat on? Especially in such a demeaning way... she's old, she ugly, she's fat, I'm prettier than her, my voice is better, I clean the house better, I'll take better care of him. I've said it before and I'll say it again.... it happens to ALL of us. We all get old. Some of us age better than others, but is it really all about looks? I mean, don't you love someone for who they are just as much as what they look like? (I'm not some huge grossly overweight woman either by the way, and I actually look pretty darn good for my age so she was way out of line with her thinking)

 

One of my very best friends and I lost contact for a number of years (namely because of my ex mind you) but we did get back in touch recently. She told me this love story of how she and her current bf met and fell in love. It was magical the way she described it. A love like she'd never felt before. What she left out, until the end of the story, was that he was engaged to be married and ditched his fiancee (whom he'd been with for several years) practically at the altar to be with my friend. At this point, she didn't know what I had gone though because I didn't tell her yet. So I asked her... how do you think it made his fiancee feel to know that he ditched her at the altar for some girl he barely knew? You know what she said? "I don't care because I can't see anyone else loving him the way I love him" It BLEW MY MIND. It's such a selfish conceited way of thinking. And guess what... he just recently dumped her for someone else. I know this story isn't really similar to your situation or the OP's for that matter... but that selfish way of thinking absolutely is. How could she possibly know how much that fiancee loved him or didn't love him? She never even spoke to her, nor did she see the inevitable train wreck state that he left said fiancee in to run off to be with her.

 

When you sit there comparing yourself to her, you are only hurting yourself. It sounds like that's what you finally figured out in the end.

 

I think what really gets me going in these kinds of situations is when the OW thinks that HER feelings are tantamount to what the BS is feeling. What if the BS is head over heels in love with her man too? What if she can't understand why he would leave to be with someone else?

 

I can't say I haven't sat here, on countless occasions over the past year since I kicked him out... doing exactly what YOU did. I poured over her pictures trying to see what it was he saw in her that he didn't see in me anymore. I mean, he and I were together for 11 years.. it wasn't some short relationship. We built a life together, had a child together, dreamed together, did EVERYTHING together. I couldn't figure out why in the world he would leave that for some jealous little girl half his age. Well... in the end it wasn't about her looks or her cleaning ability (yes, that's what she thought) or even that she's "better" than me. Turns out, she's just a change of scenery. I guess he got bored looking at the same face all the time. Unfortunately, the one he REALLY hurt here is our son. It's really too bad that the OW in my situation can't see that her relationship with him is hurting an innocent little boy... but she can't. She's so in "love" that she can't see the truth even though it's smacking her right in the face.

 

I feel sorry for her.... I truly do. She's so wrapped up in her roller coaster relationship with him (he's dumped her and dragged her back at least 15 - 20 times in the past year) that she isn't seeing the forest for the trees. She's so busy blaming ME for why my relationship with him ended, so busy comparing herself to me, so busy being jealous of me, so busy still watching my every move, listening to everything he and I talk about, nosing into every text message and video chat that she's not looking at HIM. HE is the one she really needs to watch out for. He's a snake in the grass but she's too busy looking off at the mouse he ate for dinner and then spit out that she's not seeing that she's his next meal. (how's that for a ridiculous analogy? lmao)

 

 

Sorry for the really long response but I felt like I needed to get that out there. OP, PLEASE do not do what this OW in my situation is doing to herself. PLEASE be stronger for YOU and stop the craziness that will ensue if you continue to chase after him. He'll hurt you just the same as he hurt his previous wives. Very few ppl who cheat do so for altruistic reasons. Most do it because they are selfish, or bored or looking for someone to make them feel special. Sometimes the BS really isn't the right person and their relationship is toxic... but WHY put yourself in the middle of that? Let him go, lick your wounds, move on and save yourself the drama and pain that staying with him will cause you.

 

( And don't hate me for my long winded response from the BS point of view... I'm over the hate, and not hating on either of you either... I just wish I could reach through the computer and make you see the truth of what you are doing to yourself over some schmuck who doesn't know how to be faithful or work through relationship issues)

[FusionCutter]

^. Sorry to hear your story. Just more proof that affairs hurt just about everyone involved.

[FusionCutter]

Monica, you seem like a relatively smart person who made some dumb relationship choices. I'm gonna respond point-by-point and I hope you find some comfort. I can understand you're going through a crazy time right now.

 

This is a beautiful post, thank you for taking your time to write it. It helps a lot even though I still hurt a lot.

This is exactly how I feel now. It hurts me so much yet I can't cry a single tear. It feels like I am dead inside.

 

You aren't the first person in the world to be in your situation like this nor will you be the last. You have to make some changes in your life if you want to feel better.

 

Let's say you're in your current state. We will call it State A. You're feeling horrible, depressed, etc. Where do you want to go? State B. State B is a life without these feelings and the hurt you feel from this MM.

 

So how do you get from State A -> State B? I want to introduce you to the change process.

 

You need to consider 4 points.

 

1. The attractiveness of State B Pretty good I would think?

2. The consequences of doing nothing. You will be stuck in State A forever.

3. A subjective assessment if you have the tools and skills needed to get there. Yes you have tools to get there. The tool is NC.

4. A subjective assessment if your environment will support you. Your family, friends, therapist, people you can trust, hell even people here.

 

 

You need to make every effort to reach State B as mentioned above.

 

 

I feels like I already know how this is going to end: he will probably not contact me again or if he will, he will tell me he's back with his wife for good and doesn't want to keep in touch with me. Or he might want to stay in touch just to have me on a side. All the options hurt so much.

 

I'm glad you can clearly see this. Read those words you words yourself. "All the options hurt so much."

 

You're clearly in love with this man, because if you weren't, anyone who hurts you, you would remove from your life.

 

Let's look at the cold hard facts. These aren't even debatable... they are dead facts that cannot be refuted.

 

• He's cheated with you in the last and lied to his wife for years
  
• He's hurting you
  
• He's blocking you from finding someone to call your own and he's OK with wrecking your future just so you can fulfill a function in his life
  
• He had sex with you and went home and had sex with her
  
• He used to go home and pretend nothing was the matter after he was finished having sex with you
  
• He knows you love him, yet he's unable to let you go, nor get a divorce
  
• He's fricking 20 years older than you
  

 

Maybe you see something great in him, but your love for him is clouding your judgment. Because I'm pretty sure most people who have a clean look at the situation without any emotional bias view this man as a bad man. Your MM disgusts me.

 

A man who's 20 years older has MUCH more life experience than you. He's able to control you in ways you don't understand. If he actually cared about you in a way you deserved he would do one of two things.

 

1. Figure out how to live authentically and be with you

2. Realize he can't give you a real relationship and let you go. At the very least, commit fully to fixing things with his wife.

 

Your MM is selfish to the very core. I know you can't see this right now because you love him, but he's fricking selfish! Have you looked up the word selfish in the dictionary lately?

 

"(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure."

 

When he was cheating with you, he was NOT concerned about his wife and kids. When he knew you loved him, he was NOT considering your feelings and concerned with how you were feeling. If you looked up the word selfish in the dictionary you should see a picture of your MM.

 

He was loving how he had his family life, and you on the side. His actions are NOT of an honorable person. I don't care how many memories and moments you shared. The way he carried himself based on how things played out showed he's a selfish human being - why would you want any part of that?

 

 

I'm experiencing so many negative feelings now: sadness, disappointment, powerless, loss, anger and much more. I still love him so much but I realised that he would never be with me, not the way I would want him to be. It's so devastating to realise he never loved me and was lying to me all the way. :-(

 

It's always a shock when you realize that you are NOT someone life-changing and special. Your MM was lying to his wife when he was with you before you were found out. He went back on his word on his vows. You should not be surprised that he lied to you as well. Lying is in this man's blood.

 

However, you're not a victim here. I'm going to hit you with a 2x4. You need to own your own part in this mess. You were became vulnerable to him presumably from the lies and words he fed you. You need to take responsibility for your own suffering in this.

 

Characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words. You're going to hurt a lot over this, but you need to learn the lesson that people are inherently evil. We all start out with the belief that people are inherently good - we want to believe. We want to believe that there's a goodness and purpose for their betrayal. What if they just were cheating because they're evil and no other reason?

 

Stop struggling to understand and you receive the clarity for your situation. But let me repeat to you. Your MM is a bad person and a selfish bad man. Old men with morals and integrity don't do this to women 20 years younger than them.

 

 

I do wonder if he's going to ever contact me again. I guess I would need to see him face to face after some time passes by to tell him I know that if he loved me, he would be with me by now. I really would like to tell him this. I don't want to cry or beg or accuse him of anything but I do need to tell him calmly that I have learnt my lesson and I am not going to be that naive again. That I don't believe his "pretty" lies any more. I really doubt he will ever want to be seeing me again (not even secretly) but even if he told me he would like that, I want to tell him he can't have me any more.

 

 

He rejected me and he did it so easily :-( That hurts the most.

 

For now, assume he doesn't love anyone but himself. You need to stay strong and refuse to believe his words.

 

You shouldn't feel that he "rejected" you. You should feel sad that you let yourself down. You let your guard down. You didn't love yourself enough. You loved this man more than yourself. You told yourself that being 2nd best was good enough.

 

You should demand more for yourself. Seriously. Every human being deserves a whole human being that won't lie, cheat, or share themselves with another person.

 

I will not contact him first. I miss him like hell but I know I am strong enough or maybe angry enough not to do it first. Plus I agreed to give him space so I will not rich out first. I do worry though that I lost someone very special to me. I know that some if not most of the people on here don't understand that I can love someone so much older than me but I believe that we don't choose love, love chooses us. I truly love him and that year we spent together was amazing. He made me feel special and I was happy to see how happy he was spending time with me.

 

I disagree with you. In a way we choose love. When was the last time you fell in love with an 80 year old man? I would suggest that you learn about boundaries so in the future among the pool of people that have the possibility of falling in love with does NOT include a married person. If you are conscious about it, it won't happen. A lot of OW/OM get concerned when a MM/MW tells them about their crappy marriage and perhaps the OM/OW get ideas that "hey, I could love this person more than their crappy spouse!"

 

You should know better now, that if it ever happened again, you are strong enough to give them the finger and tell them to go see a marriage counsellor if it really was that bad.

 

 

I don't believe though that I will ever find love again. I know it may sound stupid and that a lot of you will say that I am young and have the whole life in front of me but I am not 20 any more. I AM getting older and most of the man my age are long married... or even divorced plus I don't think I am that pretty and can't have any guy I want. Plus I am quite peculiar in what I am looking for in a man and these qualities are very rare. I can't easily fall in love with just anyone, it has to be a very special man. I definitely do not want to end up with any man and I still love him so much.

 

Just feel like my prime time is over.

 

This is utter bullsht and makes me sad to read that you think so lowly of yourself. Think of the lows that you felt in your involvement with MM. Don't just concentrate on the highs and think that a regular relationship can't compare with the highs.

 

You need to see it that a regular relationship does NOT have the low points of the affair. You need to trust that it can happen again.

 

I know you don't have faith that you can love again, but one thing's for sure. The more emotional energy you spend on this selfish man robs you in the ability to find someone who actually cares about you.

 

 

As I said, I can't cry now, which is weird. I did cry one time though but that was after I told him I couldn't continue like this any longer before his wife found out. For one whole day I felt horrible, I even thought there was no point to life but I wouldn't commit suicide simply because I know how stupid it would be plus I was thinking about my family and all that pain they would have to deal with. I was going through a real nightmare on that day though, not just a bit of sadness and insecurity.

 

Please seek some professional help. No person is worth those thoughts, let alone someone who treated you this poorly.

 

 

When I was in my early 20s, I did seriously consider committing suicide though after a really nasty break up with a guy I was engaged to. But I am not that kid any more, I know that it wouldn't solve anything and would just cause even more pain for everyone. I learned a lot since then but obviously not enough.

 

That sounds terrible. I bet when that ended you felt like you couldn't love again. Yet you found this "love" with your MM. You have to trust that there is a good man out there that will love you in an honest way and won't hurt you. If you resist this idea, your fear will come true.

 

It's a confirmation bias. For example if you believe that all men are horrible cheating liars, you will likely attract those guys. Studies prove it over and over. You need to change your mindset, gather yourself, and climb out of this hole.

 

How do you do it? You use NC. It's the only weapon to fight this war that is effective.

 

 

Is there a chance for me to be happy again? I mean, I am not stupid, I know that with time things will get better but I am afraid I will never be truly happy again.

 

Being happy is a mindset. I've been where you are. I know that a lot of people will say stuff like

 

"He didn't deserve you!"

"Oh you will move on!"

 

etc. I know that none of those words help. For now, you need to grieve this, bury the dead, mourn it, and then move on with your life. You could mourn it forever, but like I mentioned in the very beginning, State A vs State B.. where do you want to be?

 

You need to build the resolve and strength to let go of the situation.

 

 

I would still like to be with him but my heart and my mind are in conflict here.

After realising he probably never loved me I would just hate myself even more if I let him be with me after how he rejected me when he had a chance to finally be with me.

 

Study his actions. Learn from it. Grow from it. Get smarter. Let go. Stop the self-loathing. You're only hurting yourself.

 

Demand better from yourself. Talk badly of him and better of yourself.

 

"This man's actions was bad for me. I'm going to improve myself and respect myself more."

 

 

I don't know how and if I can live now. I have a new job, which is exciting and keeps me going, I have friends with whom I go out and I have my hobbies that keep me busy so it's not a problem here but I feel so hurt and empty inside. I care about him so much. ;-(

 

Try to stop the negativity. You woke with with full health this morning. Many people in the world suffered something much worse than you. I know that doesn't help the situation, but it's true - you are not the person in the world that's suffering the most. Find your focus, your passion, your hobbies, pour your energy into them.

 

You need to let this die. If you don't, it will eat at your soul. It's no way to live.

 

I hope that helps, stranger.

 

I think deep down in your heart you know what needs to happen and how your path needs to be. You just need to accept it. I know it's hard. But you gotta realize many, many, many people have been in the same path as you. It sucks for sure. Ultimately, this is life, and this is growing up. It's been a painful lesson for you, but the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Monicaxxx]

What I'm wondering is how you managed to completely miss the point of Cressida's post. Re-read it, please.

 

Beautiful post, Cressida.

 

What do you mean by saying I missed the point of Cressida's post?

[Cressida]

Monica, please don't think anything negative about yourself. You are pretty, young, beautiful and desirable. Heck, if middle aged divorced women with grown kids can find love and rebuild their lives why can't you? ?? Please don't ever demean yourself! !!

 

I'm on mobile at work, could you please give me your email address? I would like to send you some pdf-format books I have that will help. They helped me tremendously and made me laugh again. Heck I'd like to post them online somewhere and give access to them to all the ladies in need! But I don't know how to do that.

 

Monica stay strong please. We are here for u, you have a family who loves you, friends, relatives and co-workers to whom you mean a lot. Don't say silly things and don't get depressed. We're here for you, please remember I was the same as you are, equally devastated. And I'm ten thousand times better now.

[Friskyone4u]

Monica

You should be able to figure it out. He has feelings for you, so what. What he wants is to not be guilty about his kids and he wants you to be there for his sexual needs. That is called came eating.

It appears his wife is onto this affair enough that he will not get away with that in the long run so what are you going to do, just sit around and wait months and months. Or go have sex with him if he calls you in a month or two.

You say you have a life of your own. Then live it. What are you going to do in the next few months if you start dating someone and he calls. Cheat on your new relationship???

He can't have it both ways and the odds say in the long run you will be the loser here. It never ceases to amaze me how many seemingly normal and intelligent

Women will isolate themselves to be someone's sex toy. You should see a therapist to see why you would even consider that with a married man 20'yearsnolder than you

[Monicaxxx]

 

I'm on mobile at work, could you please give me your email address?

 

I'm at work too. I'm here, where can I find an option to send you a private message?

[Cressida]

I don't think you can send me a private message as you appear to be a new member. Mods, anyone have any ideas?

[stillafool]

Oh dear god. Are you telling me he took this to his KIDS ebfore he had decided for sure what to do?

Please tell me I misundersttod that, as if that's what he did, he is an idiot. Nice way to place his burden's on his kid's shoulders. He leaves, it's "daddy didn't love us enough to stay", he stays" daddy was miserable in his marriage because of us".

 

Idiot.

 

I doubt very seriously that he took this to his kids first. It is probably a lie just like him sleeping in the basement. I highly doubt that he is sleeping down there but he's back in his bedroom with her.

[Cressida]

 

I can't say I haven't sat here, on countless occasions over the past year since I kicked him out... doing exactly what YOU did.

 

This is what I was trying to tell Monica. That feeling insecure isn't necessarily proper 'jealousy' towards a specific target, it's just a natural feeling boosted by insecurity and the existing situation, a relationship with an unavailable man, and even if he was married to a hunchback there would still be that sort of negative thinking. We've all been there...maybe to a different extent, from one person to another, but it's the same old feeling of being incapacitated, feeling rejected, thrown away, degraded, tossed aside for someone else.

 

These are OUR thoughts that we put OURSELVES into our heads and do not reflect the reality. I wish Monica could see this because 80% of the pain she feels right now would vanish.

 

As for the other comments saying he's a cake eater who 'loves' two people at the same time, both the wife and the OW, I think this is closest to reality...he may not be the typical a-hole but he is, theoretically, eating cake, just like my exMM was, just like every other married man with a girlfriend on the side is/was.

 

THIS is another point I wanted to get through to Monica.

 

Regardless of the romantic fantasy we have in our heads, there is one big huge reality that nobody can escape in this world, whether we like it or not- time passes. Time goes on. Weeks, months and years pass, time of our lives.

 

Whatever Monica wants/feels, time is precious and is ticking away. She has to figure things out and just focus on herself and move on....I know how hard and impossible it seems to be. I know what it's like.

 

But the only person who can take you out of a situation like this is yourself. Think about yourself for once...stop putting another person ahead of yourself. EVEN IF you think they are great people who deserve it, you are your own top priority, number one, and secondly, they are not that great and if they didn't make you their priority, there's no reason you should do that.

 

Now, the 'self-help' books I was referring to are 'The Rules' by Ellen Fein and 'Why Men Love Bitches' by Sherry Argov. Funny titles that might sound kooky and highschool-like, I agree. These two books, plus other little wisdom-nuggets, practically saved my life at a time I was really low, and i'd like to send them to Monica.

 

The main argument in these books is- don't devaluate yourself, and don't love those who do not love you back. The authors, particularly in the second book, explain why giving, giving, giving and GIVING until you are left with nothing is NOT good. Plus other such things.

 

I do believe that women today are not 'taught' to protect themselves properly, to value themselves, to respect themselves, and this situation in which Monica is, sentimentally speaking, is exactly the kind of pickle she needs to get herself out of, with some 'help'. I don't judge her choice to have a relationship with a MM, as I've done it myself and many women here, we're just humans at the end of the day. But she needs to get herself out of the 'I'm not pretty enough for another man'-box. That is bs. That is not true.

[CALOVELY]

This is what I was trying to tell Monica. That feeling insecure isn't necessarily proper 'jealousy' towards a specific target, it's just a natural feeling boosted by insecurity and the existing situation, a relationship with an unavailable man, and even if he was married to a hunchback there would still be that sort of negative thinking. We've all been there...maybe to a different extent, from one person to another, but it's the same old feeling of being incapacitated, feeling rejected, thrown away, degraded, tossed aside for someone else.

 

These are OUR thoughts that we put OURSELVES into our heads and do not reflect the reality. I wish Monica could see this because 80% of the pain she feels right now would vanish.

 

As for the other comments saying he's a cake eater who 'loves' two people at the same time, both the wife and the OW, I think this is closest to reality...he may not be the typical a-hole but he is, theoretically, eating cake, just like my exMM was, just like every other married man with a girlfriend on the side is/was.

 

THIS is another point I wanted to get through to Monica.

 

Regardless of the romantic fantasy we have in our heads, there is one big huge reality that nobody can escape in this world, whether we like it or not- time passes. Time goes on. Weeks, months and years pass, time of our lives.

 

Whatever Monica wants/feels, time is precious and is ticking away. She has to figure things out and just focus on herself and move on....I know how hard and impossible it seems to be. I know what it's like.

 

But the only person who can take you out of a situation like this is yourself. Think about yourself for once...stop putting another person ahead of yourself. EVEN IF you think they are great people who deserve it, you are your own top priority, number one, and secondly, they are not that great and if they didn't make you their priority, there's no reason you should do that.

 

Now, the 'self-help' books I was referring to are 'The Rules' by Ellen Fein and 'Why Men Love Bitches' by Sherry Argov. Funny titles that might sound kooky and highschool-like, I agree. These two books, plus other little wisdom-nuggets, practically saved my life at a time I was really low, and i'd like to send them to Monica.

 

The main argument in these books is- don't devaluate yourself, and don't love those who do not love you back. The authors, particularly in the second book, explain why giving, giving, giving and GIVING until you are left with nothing is NOT good. Plus other such things.

 

I do believe that women today are not 'taught' to protect themselves properly, to value themselves, to respect themselves, and this situation in which Monica is, sentimentally speaking, is exactly the kind of pickle she needs to get herself out of, with some 'help'. I don't judge her choice to have a relationship with a MM, as I've done it myself and many women here, we're just humans at the end of the day. But she needs to get herself out of the 'I'm not pretty enough for another man'-box. That is bs. That is not true.

 

You are profound in your wisdom. OP, listen to her.

[Monicaxxx]

Thank you all for your posts. they really keep me going. I was out with my colleagues so a bit drunk now, I will be back tomorrow though.

 

It's strange, I am not sure what's going on at the moment...

 

I know that I truly love him but I feel so strange... i don't feel like crying at all now. I think it's because I know it's over and my tears won't change any more. It still hurts so much but when I was at work today I was actually full of positive energy and was even smiling to myself.

 

Is that weird? I should be crying right now but at the moment I feel relieved in a way. Is it normal or am I getting mad?

I was busy at work, actually I'm busy every day, and I didn't have time to think about him at all for a few hours. We went out for our usual drinks after work and I actually had a good time. Once again, I didn't think about him... he was present somewhere at the back of my mind but I was actually quite successful at not thinking about him.

 

I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe it's your posts or maybe something else but I actually feel like I could be happy again. Without him. Like I don't need him (even though I would love to spend my life with him).

 

All I know is that with every day I feel strongly that it is over between us. That he decided to finish it for good.

Edited December 19, 2014 by Monicaxxx

[Cressida]

Thank you all for your posts. they really keep me going. I was out with my colleagues so a bit drunk now, I will be back tomorrow though.

 

It's strange, I am not sure what's going on at the moment...

 

I know that I truly love him but I feel so strange... i don't feel like crying at all now. I think it's because I know it's over and my tears won't change any more. It still hurts so much but when I was at work today I was actually full of positive energy and was even smiling to myself.

 

Is that weird? I should be crying right now but at the moment I feel relieved in a way. Is it normal or am I getting mad?

I was busy at work, actually I'm busy every day, and I didn't have time to think about him at all for a few hours. We went out for our usual drinks after work and I actually had a good time. Once again, I didn't think about him... he was present somewhere at the back of my mind but I was actually quite successful at not thinking about him.

 

I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe it's your posts or maybe something else but I actually feel like I could be happy again. Without him. Like I don't need him (even though I would love to spend my life with him).

 

All I know is that with every day I feel strongly that it is over between us. That he decided to finish it for good.

 

You are not getting mad, you are just starting to feel better about everything. It'll only get better from now on, trust me. Just don't think about him as a 'feasible' option, something doable.Think about him like someone from the past, someone who you cannot relate with anymore, for objective reasons that have nothing to do with the feelings you had for each other.

 

Don't think that just because you're not crying, there's something wrong. Get used with happiness, not misery and torment.

[spiderowl]

He called me in the morning and told me all those things.

I was calm and said I respect that and won't be calling or texting him as I respect his wish.

He replied that if anything happens I can always contact him at work.. and that he will contact me after a while when he sees how things work out.

 

 

Eek! Roughly translates as 'when the fuss has died down and wife has forgotten what I was up to, I'll be back chasing you again'. He wants you around as second fiddle. He's trying to keep you dangling on a string.

[Cressida]

Monica- since I was referring to the self-help books/materials in my previous posts.

 

I'd like to suggest a blog written by a male in a very clear, concise and direct manner. He discusses all major relationship issues, particularly in terms of dating, keeping a relationship, perception by/of the opposite sex, etc. I personally think he is doing a great job in explaining everything very beautifully and his text automatically gives answers to many questions I have had. I think it would be a great start for anyone interested.

 

Here is the link to one of his best posts, imo:

 

The Rules Revisited: The Importance of Personal Boundaries

 

Enjoy!

[Monicaxxx]

Monica- since I was referring to the self-help books/materials in my previous posts.

 

I'd like to suggest a blog written by a male in a very clear, concise and direct manner. He discusses all major relationship issues, particularly in terms of dating, keeping a relationship, perception by/of the opposite sex, etc. I personally think he is doing a great job in explaining everything very beautifully and his text automatically gives answers to many questions I have had. I think it would be a great start for anyone interested.

 

Here is the link to one of his best posts, imo:

 

The Rules Revisited: The Importance of Personal Boundaries

 

Enjoy!

 

 

Thank you Cressida, I will definitely read it.

 

Today was a weird day. I feel so numb. I went shopping in the morning and then for a run in the evening. I think running helps me a lot as it clears my mind and I noticed that I am actually not thinking about him when I run but focusing on my goals.

 

The morning was quite tough though. I don't feel an urge to contact him and I know I won't do it first. I know it's over though, I can feel it very strongly that he won't contact me ever again and even if, it will be only to tell me that he wants to be with his wife.

 

I'm not waiting for him and I don't want to try to win him back but realising it's really over hurts like hell.

[Monicaxxx]

OMG, I just wrote in my recent post that I could feel he wouldn't contact me again...

 

Well, he just sent me an email he misses me.

 

He said he wouldn't do it at least for a month and it's been only 5 days! I said I wouldn't contact him first but I really didn't expect him to text me THAT quickly.

 

No, I am not replying to that.

 

I know he chose his wife, not me so I wasn't that important to him. If he truly loved me he would be with me and not there, right?