Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[Monicaxxx]

What did she say to you exactly?

 

She asked me why so I told her how it happened. That we were friends at the beginning and that I fell in love with him with time and that She knows how charming he can be.

 

I told her I wasn't going to lie to her ans that I still had feelings for him but I wasn't going to influence his decision. She asked me why he was still texting me so I said that she needs to ask him about that.

 

I wasn't rude to her, I was honest.

[Monicaxxx]

The more I think about it, the more I feel like writing a letter to her.

I can't call her as I don't have her number. I feel like our conversation when she called me wasn't enough. Now there are some things i would like to ask her.

 

Should I do it?

[evanescentworld]

Holy crap, will you damn well quit?

No Contact means NO CONTACT!!

 

And most certainly do NOT even think of contacting her!

She's already been very patient with you, and has shown a great deal of sympathy. (She told you she knows he can be charming...)

This is because she knows what he's like.

A charmer.

She doesn't blame you entirely.

In fact, she probably feels sorry for the fact she perceives he sucked you in and may have used you....The fact that he's chosen to stay where he is, is testimony enough to know where his interest lies!

[Monicaxxx]

 

(She told you she knows he can be charming...)

 

Oh no, it must be me not expressing myself clearly... I told her he is charming, not her!

[Daisy2013]

You sound young and sweet, you seem to be a caring person. Please listen to the advice you have received. It's hard to let go, bit it only gets more difficult and painful if you hang on. Who knows, maybe if you end it all he will realize he loves you and come to you. But the most likely reality is he will stay where he is. Take care of yourself and and find a non-toxic love. You don't want to be in this same place next year or thereafter. It's not a fun place to be.

[Monicaxxx]

You sound young and sweet, you seem to be a caring person. Please listen to the advice you have received. It's hard to let go, bit it only gets more difficult and painful if you hang on. Who knows, maybe if you end it all he will realize he loves you and come to you. But the most likely reality is he will stay where he is. Take care of yourself and and find a non-toxic love. You don't want to be in this same place next year or thereafter. It's not a fun place to be.

 

Thanks. I decided to give him space that night when he came here after she kicked him out of the house. I didn't contact him for those few days that followed and when he called and said he wasn't going to contact me for a while, I had no intention of contacting him myself.

 

He may contact me in a month or two, that's what he said. I will definitely not contact him first. It hurts me and it is difficult but I will not do it. Not sure if I can stop loving him that easily though.

 

But you are right, I don't want to be in this situation ever again. Just afraid I will never find anyone who will truly love me (he is my true love though).

[jellybean89]

But people DO get divorced... and marry again. So maybe he is not my man now but maybe could be in the future?

 

If he wanted to be with YOU, he would be. Stop believing this nonsense about him staying for the kids. He was given the out when SHE kicked him out...he came to you for a place to sleep, sympathy. You gave him that.

 

Don't be his default choice, because his wife kicks him out. If he didn't "pick you" during the year he was having an affair with you, those actions should tell you what you need to know.

 

He can still lose his house, his money, his kids' love.

It's still fresh, I would rather have him take his time and make a decision he wants to be with me than leave her now without thinking it through and then not wanting to be with me after all.

 

People divorce with kids, finances, houses, cars and pets every single day. He isn't leaving. He made that clear when he went home. He had the chance to start a new life, he chose to go crawling back to his wife. You were his affair partner, not his soon to be wife. He had a year to make a move, he chose not to. Stop day dreaming about a future with him, not gonna happen.

 

 

The more I think about it, the more I feel like writing a letter to her.

I can't call her as I don't have her number. I feel like our conversation when she called me wasn't enough. Now there are some things i would like to ask her.

 

Should I do it?

 

Leave her alone. She doesn't owe YOU any answers to your questions. Leave her alone! You slept with her husband. You participated in deceiving her and his kids. Asking her questions about HER marriage and HER husband is beyond inappropriate! Leave her alone.

[bathtub-row]

Monica, first of all, I'm not one to be negative about these situations so I hope you'll take this as being helpful. The truth is, yes, he most likely loves you very much. Secondly, I think there is too much of an age difference between the two of you. You are likely to eventually tire of being with an older guy. Those are just my thoughts.

 

I know that you also think that because he loves you, it means that he will be with you. People involved in marriages often don't think like this. Men, in particular. If you read stories on this site in this section, you'll see it a lot. Quite often, the OW and MM love one another very much. It's not about love. If only it were, things would be so much simpler. If you got the distinct impression that your MM loved you, then I'm sure you're right. It sounds to me like he said some very sweet things to you and I doubt that he was lying about that.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Kids carry a lot of weight and it's a really hard thing to walk away from that. But, if I were you, I would not think this has to do with the fact that he doesn't love you enough or that he was just playing with your feelings. Things could go either way between him and his wife now. It's very hard for someone to forgive an affair, but it's also hard to break up a family. If I were you, though, I'd give a lot of thought to this thing about your age difference.

 

Btw, please do not contact his wife for any reason. She doesn't need the affair constantly thrown back in her face. You can't imagine the pain she's going through. Please don't resurrect that for her.

 

I hope you'll keep up posted as to how you're doing and how things are going.

[Lurkeraspect]

Curious here. You say he's 20 years older and incapable of giving you a child. I'm guessing you'd like to have your own children one day.

 

Are you willing to forego your childbearing years for this? Cause from where I sit, that's what you're signing up for.

 

I get you love him, maybe he loves you too. I'd suggest that a man who truly loves you wouldn't want you to waste your chances with an uncommitted man who cannot and will not be yours or give you children.

[whichwayisup]

For the last year I was seeing a married man and things were great between us.

 

I couldn't live like this any longer and told him it was over but we stayed friends. Shortly after we ended the intimate part of our relationship, his wife and kids(3) found out about us. Since then we limited our contact even more drastically. He told me he loved me but can't see his kids suffering and needs to be a good father for them, that he's not choosing his wife but his kids.

 

It was a month ago. Last week he called me at night telling me that his wife found out we were still in touch and wanted a divorce and kicked him out of the house. He asked if he could spend the night at my place and I agreed.

 

We talked, he asked me what I thought about it and I told him it would be better if he stayed in a hotel for the next few days so that he has time to think what he wants. We both agreed that he shouldn't stay at my place until he figures what he wants.

 

Next day he texted me that he needs to sort himself out and wished me a lovely weekend. He went to his parents for a couple of days.

 

He's mom asked him what I was like and about me plans for Xmas. Why would she do that?????? Seriously, why? I totally don't understand it!!!??? So why?

 

 

I gave him space and he called me after 4 days telling me that he\s back at his place but sleeping downstairs, that she still wants him out and still wants to divorce him.

That he would not contact me for a while (a month at least) because he really wants his kids to trust him again.

 

He said he loved me and it's not fair that he has to stop all the contact with me, the only person that makes him happy and truly love him and that I will always be in his thoughts and that he keeps all the gifts from me on his desk at work and misses me.

 

I agreed to give him space and not to contact him so he can figure out if he can fix things between his kids... and yes, between his wife ;-(

 

Do you think that was a final goodbye on his part? Did he really dump me? Does it mean that if he chose her (some of my friends say he chose his kids, not her) he doesn't love me and care about me?

 

Is it possible that he loves me but chose his kids not to hurt the more? Do I have any chances here?

 

It's more about his wife than his kids. He's not telling you the whole truth. NO way would his wife allow him back "Just" for the kids sake.

 

He may love you but he isn't going to give up all that he knows and has worked hard for, his family life for you.

 

Don't try to compete with what he has at home vs what you have with him.

 

Sorry you're hurting, I hope you can let go and move on.

[whichwayisup]

Do you think that I can stay in touch with him after a while?

Even if we are not together, I would like to stay in touch with him, he is a great guy and I love spending time with him.

 

If he works things out with his wife and their marriage gets better, it isn't fair to her to keep a friendship with him. It'll prevent you from letting go and moving on with someone else as your 'friendship' will be an emotional affair. You cannot be 'friends' with an ex affair partner. Plus, you'll still be hidden from his life/wife/kids.

 

Best to not keep in touch. Wish him well and don't look back.

 

You're young and have a whole life to live.

[whichwayisup]

But people DO get divorced... and marry again. So maybe he is not my man now but maybe could be in the future?

 

How long would you wait? A year? Two years? Four years?

[whichwayisup]

It's still a difficult decision, isn't it?

 

Also, his wife called me and we talked for a while. I don't have her number but I am thinking if I should write a letter to her and apologise etc.?

 

If you apologize, it should be because your affair really is over and you feel bad that you helped him cheat and betray her. Don't apologize if you still want him and are gonna wait in the wings. If you have told her you're gonna leave him alone and not contact him, then you need to do as you said you would.

 

The more I think about it, the more I feel like writing a letter to her.

I can't call her as I don't have her number. I feel like our conversation when she called me wasn't enough. Now there are some things i would like to ask her.

 

Should I do it?

 

What do you want to ask her?

[Monicaxxx]

 

What do you want to ask her?

 

Would like to know how much of what he told me about their marriage was a lie... and how much was true.

[Monicaxxx]

..because yes, I know only what he told me.

[evanescentworld]

Well, I really would advise you to just forget the whole thing but if you ignore all advice, brace yourself for a shock awakening. He will not only have lied to you, he will almost certainly have lied to her about you too...

[georgia girl]

Monica,

 

Do not contact his wife. You may have questions but it's not her role to answer them. She was the one whose marriage was violated. Let her be, for your own sake as well as hers.

 

Also, try to move on. He may have loved you but he made a choice. Choosing to wait is truly a path filled only with pain for you.

 

Very sorry that you are hurting.

[elaine567]

I only emailed him at work later and said I loved him and wished that everything works well for him. He replies straight away that he loved me too and that I will always be on his mind and that he was so happy with me for the last year and that he doesn't regret anything from that time.

This is the classic, "I love you, you will be always in my thoughts, but GOODBYE" speech.

He showed you by his actions where his bread is buttered, he would rather spend time in the basement, than even consider moving on with you.

He and his wife have history, they have assets together, they have kids together, that is difficult to give up without a fight.

You are too young and have too much promise for your life to consider shackling yourself to a forty year old, who cannot have children with you and who thinks nothing of having an affair.

I am a bit concerned as to why the wife was so calm, perhaps she has been there before, and this was the last straw.

[Sub]

I am a bit concerned as to why the wife was so calm, perhaps she has been there before, and this was the last straw.

Bingo. I had the same feeling. My hunch is that this isn't the first time at the rodeo for this guy.

[Minnie09]

1) Leave the W alone.

2) Ignore him.

 

If you don't want to do 2) and instead decide to wait for him, until he's made some kind of a decision, then I suggest you talk to him and ask what his game plan is. Open conversation. Get in touch one last time, ask him what the current state of affairs is, what the status quo is, what his next steps are in terms of living arrangements and separation, and listen. If you WANT to wait and be with him so badly, you should at least figure out for yourself how that will influence YOUR OWN near future. I mean, you need to plan your life as well. It's not just him alone who gets a say in this.

 

Don't let him beat around the bush. Be firm. Demand answers. Analyze. Or better: Let us know what his answers were. Do it asap.

[Miss Clavel]

If she still wants him out of the house and wants a divorce, why is he back there sleeping downstairs? Why isn't he getting his own place? If he loves you and wants to be with you why isn't he seeing you since she no longer wants him? Staying for the sake of the kids never works. If the kids are the only ones he loves he can still have them without taking them away from their mom. They both are entitled to their kids and will not lose them. I'm so sick of people using their children as the crutch to hold up their broken marriages. The parents can be happy apart and the kids will still have their parents in a much happier state of mind than staying in an unhappy marriage using the kids as the excuse.

 

my kids still depise the "other woman" and it's been over 5 years. she went to a family reunion of his side of the family of which my children also attended. the kids do not talk to her, the only one that talks to her is him.

 

the kids said that she has gained weight, that they still do not live together and that she seems very sad. she thought that they would be married by now and they are not.

 

so, to answer the OP's question: hopefully he dumped you! move on. don't settle for a leftover life.

 

be the first wife.

[Majormisstep]

Monica, sorry you are going through this now. Please listen to the advice given here. You are young and have your whole life in front of you. Do not waste another moment pining, waiting, hoping, analyzing or dreaming of "what if's" with this MM.

 

He is NOT leaving his W. Chances are he is begging and pleading for her forgiveness from his supposed basement chambers. He is telling you one story and her another. He is asking you to "just be friends" or "contact me at work if you need anything" just to cowardly string you along.

 

Unfortunately love is not going to come into play here, not on his end anyway. He is in damage control and you will continue to be on that back burner until you've had enough of his lies and excuses or his W demands you leave him alone.

 

'Tis the ugly truth. Be strong for YOU!

[xxoo]

He got caught up in the fantasy of dating someone young, making him feel young again (ties into showing you places from his youth). Now it's back to reality of his life.

 

Reality with you may never have been an option for him. He could have been in love with the fantasy of being together, but never intended to be a divorced dad introducing his children and his colleagues to his 20 year younger girlfriend. That was probably not something he ever seriously considered.

[Sub]

It's human nature to blame the interloper in situations like this. It isn't fair but it is what it is.

 

When you're the kids, I think it's fair to blame anyone involved. Parents and AP.

[CALOVELY]

When you're the kids, I think it's fair to blame anyone involved. Parents and AP.

 

Oh I agree. My point was that the kids are going to heap most of the blame on her instead of equally between her and their father. She is going to feel most of their anger and hatred. Just the cherry on the sundae with this guy.