Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[Monicaxxx]

Monica,

 

He isn't contacting you to resume the affair because if his wife finds out again, she WILL kick him out for good and that isn't what he wants.

 

What do you "love" about him?

 

Think about it...what is there to love about him? He is unfaithful. He is disrespectful. He is untrustworthy. He is a liar. he is a cheater. He plays games with women. He knows he has hurt you and he doesn't seem to care. he thinks he can send you a text as if that means anything. he has had plenty of time to call you if he wanted to. No person is hand cuffed to another person. he is just choosing to invest back into his wife.

 

Truly sit back and think about what it is you "love" about him. Maybe you liked feeling wanted by him, but you can get that feeling from a single man, someone who isn't lying to others and hurting others.

 

Make 2015 the year for YOU and that you won't allow someone to use you again. Make it a year for you to shine and for you to not accept less than you deserve from anyone.

 

 

I know it. He never cared about me, he loves her and wants to be with her.

 

We had such a lovely time together, he is intelligent, funny, was always helping me and showing that he cares. I loved out time together. I loved seeing how happy he was with me.

 

Why did he reject me that easily?

[Monicaxxx]

Perhaps starting from the beginning of when you posted you need to review what so many other people have said to you from the beginning. The more energy you waste on this guy the more it takes away from your life.

 

Do you want to continue like this? You need learn how to unlove him, and let this go. You keep saying how much it hurts, if you don't face up to it, it's just going to hurt more and more.

 

He's not hurting. You are. If you keep living in your web of denial, you will keep hurting forever.

 

Please learn to let him go.

 

It just hurts so much I don't want to lice any more. I don't think I can.

[Monicaxxx]

Monica,

 

He isn't contacting you to resume the affair because if his wife finds out again, she WILL kick him out for good and that isn't what he wants.

 

I don't think she would do it, she obviously still wants him.

 

If she took him back now, she would do it again... and again.

[GildedLily]

Maybe when you hurt, you can think about how much his children hurt too.

[jellybean89]

I know it. He never cared about me, he loves her and wants to be with her.

 

We had such a lovely time together, he is intelligent, funny, was always helping me and showing that he cares. I loved out time together. I loved seeing how happy he was with me.

 

Why did he reject me that easily?

 

MONICA, stop. He was never yours to begin with. Do you think his wife should just step back and say "here ya go Monica, I know you like him and all, so have at him"? Come on. She wants to keep her family/marriage together. But don't be naive, she will not tolerate him continuing to cheat on her.

 

You didn't tell me what you love about him. Intelligent? Really? Cause he figured out how to get a younger, single woman to care about him? Do you think it was smart of him to cheat on his wife?

 

Helping you how? Showing you how that he cared?

 

He probably DID care about you; but his is married. He has a wife and kids. Stop taking it as a rejection of you. The affair had to end eventually. You had to know it wasn't going to last for years and years. How did you see this ending?

[Monicaxxx]

MONICA, stop. He was never yours to begin with. Do you think his wife should just step back and say "here ya go Monica, I know you like him and all, so have at him"? Come on. She wants to keep her family/marriage together. But don't be naive, she will not tolerate him continuing to cheat on her.

 

You didn't tell me what you love about him. Intelligent? Really? Cause he figured out how to get a younger, single woman to care about him? Do you think it was smart of him to cheat on his wife?

 

Helping you how? Showing you how that he cared?

 

He probably DID care about you; but his is married. He has a wife and kids. Stop taking it as a rejection of you. The affair had to end eventually. You had to know it wasn't going to last for years and years. How did you see this ending?

 

People DO get divorced and get married again.

Even people with kids, even with small kids.

 

He was good to me, he helped me with quote a lot of things when I was having a difficult time. We had a lot of fun.

 

OK, it wasn't smart what he/we did but he is intelligent... and charming, and funny.

 

And yes, he rejected ME. He chose her, even though he wasn't happy with her.

[whichwayisup]

But it hurts so much! He rejected me! Just like that. I never meant anything to him.

 

He's OK with me not being in his life.

 

Cry it out and then find your anger. Use that anger to push you to the point that you're ready to accept that is over, that he chose to end with you. Like or not, people who have affairs, have the right to end it at any time. He isn't obligated or committed to you. He already has a wife, and he chose his wife and married life over being with you. You have no choice now but to let go. To continue to love him and wish he was yours is a waste of your precious time and heart. To chase after someone who has shown you the door is disrespectful and hurtful to yourself.

 

Make 2015 a happier year for yourself. Learn to "love" yourself and put you first. Make 2015 drama free, pain free and peaceful.

 

But, you have to let go of him. Allow yourself to grieve the loss and know that you can and will survive without him in your life. Accept that for a little while you'll hurt and feel sad but just know as time goes on there will be better and happier days! You have a whole future ahead of you! A life to live! You're free of him and all that bullcrap the affair brought into your life.

[still_an_Angel]

I know it. He never cared about me, he loves her and wants to be with her.

 

We had such a lovely time together, he is intelligent, funny, was always helping me and showing that he cares. I loved out time together. I loved seeing how happy he was with me.

 

Why did he reject me that easily?

 

 

 

Yes he chose her, yes, he wants to be with her. And yes, he rejected you.

You need to accept this now so you can move on.

 

 

And the bigger question is: Despite him choosing her and rejecting you, WHY do you still choose him?

 

 

You need to find your happiness within yourself, do not live and be happy by placing that on another person. You do not live for him, you live for yourself.

 

 

I'm really sorry you're hurting, but his married status is on the table and you chose to have a relationship with him. The consequences of being in an A can be grave, specially if the OW has fallen hard for the MM.

 

 

((hugs to you))

[Monicaxxx]

To chase after someone who has shown you the door is disrespectful and hurtful to yourself.

 

I'm not chasing after him.

I miss him a lot, I love him, I'm angry at him, sad, etc. but I'm not chasing after him.

 

He sent me NE wishes, not me. I didn't reply and I won't...

because I don't want him to be happy (without me, not after he rejected me).

[Cressida]

....And I quote:

 

 

'When you are afraid he’ll never contact you again, you will be more likely to initiate and be too available.

 

When you are afraid he’ll meet someone else, you will be more likely to tolerate bad treatment in order to keep him around.

 

When you are afraid he’ll lose interest, you won’t be able to be a Prize Catch. You will become DESPERATE.

 

There are ZERO BENEFITS in being afraid of losing a guy. Because, just what are you losing?

 

A guy who can’t step up?

 

A guy who doesn’t cherish you?

 

A guy who can’t be bothered?

 

A guy who isn’t around enough?

 

A guy who uses you for sex?

 

A guy who is lazy and passive?

 

A guy who lets you do all the work?

 

A guy who can’t commit?

 

A guy who is in and out of your life?

 

The only thing you should be afraid of is getting a guy who can’t cherish you. Other than that, there is NOTHING to be afraid of.

 

You see, everything he does or doesn’t do is INFORMATION that you can use to assess what to do next.

 

If he doesn’t take you out on dates, he’s letting you know he’s not valuing you.

 

If he doesn’t express love and affection, he’s letting you know he doesn’t need to in order to keep you.

 

If he doesn’t step up and make you his girlfriend, he’s telling you he wants to be available for other women.

 

When this is what you see and hear, it’s time to pull back. Time to give him space so he gets to experience what it’s like without you.

 

You don’t want to waste time with the wrong guy, right?

 

So don’t be afraid to do what it takes to see what he’s made of. That could be the ONLY WAY you’ll ever know if he deserves you.'

 

Post from the blog Let Men Chase You, Fear of losing his interest | Let Men Chase You

 

The bolded words are my fine art. This blog has been a source of 'wisdom' for me, in a time when I couldn't understand the simplest common sense because of my exMM. I recommend you ladies read it, it's really cut and dry and explains why common sense is the way to go.

 

Monica, I hope you had a good New Year's Eve party and enjoyed the evening, and that you're feeling better now.

 

Please think about the possibility of meeting someone new.....it can be an important motivator to escape the pain trap you have fallen into hugs

Edited January 1, 2015 by Cressida

[Timshel]

I understand that you are hurting. Hurting when we have loss is natural, it means that we care/Love. Don't run from it or be afraid of it, it's the only way you will recognize joy. Your emotions are human and we all feel them. Emotions will run the gamut in our lifetimes; laughter, happiness, emptiness, anger, fear.

 

These things are the human experience. Right now you are in sad and hurt. You have felt these things before and yet you also have felt joy and pleasure after. You will do this again.

 

It isn't about not feeling and shutting down; it is accepting that this is part of life and learning gratitude for the experiences...

 

He is not the end of your journey and there are many things to come. This is not faith or belief, it's the truth.

 

Who knows where you will be a year, three years or ten from now. Who knows the wonderful, fascinating people you will meet and how they will change you.

You should let people you love change you because it is the only reason to love.

 

And each love is not the end but the beginning of what you have learned and will give you new depth and awareness; make you full and with abundance. Vive!!

 

Welcome to life, do it the best that you can and you will become someone wonderful. Truth.

[Majormisstep]

Don't reply AT ALL. No Happy New Year, no best wishes for 2015, thanks for thinking of me...nothing! His message to you was done either through guilt or a slimy intent to keep you waiting in the wings.

 

He chose her. It doesn't matter what wonderful things he said or did for you in the past. He is staying no matter how "miserable" he claimed to be.

 

Absolutely this hurts like h*ll BUT it will get better. Bit by bit, every day.

 

You CAN live. And before you know it you will be posting advice to other LS newcomers and can garner strength and empowerment from that.

 

I think every one of us on this forum has loved and lost, but we still put one foot in front of the other and carry on into the day. You will too!

[Monicaxxx]

Does it ever get easier? It's been over two weeks since last time we talked and I haven't felt as bad as I feel now.

Only two weeks... and it feels like eternity

[FusionCutter]

Monica. Live life looking forward. Not back.

[Cressida]

Does it ever get easier? It's been over two weeks since last time we talked and I haven't felt as bad as I feel now.

Only two weeks... and it feels like eternity

 

I think it's partly because you feel there has been no closure, and your pain is untapped by the fact that he theoretically doesn't know about it...and you'd want him to.

Think about the possibility of having a final discussion with him....and just know, once and for all, what he wants to do. You must know, it is your right. However this is just an opinion...if you don't want to see him again, don't do it. Just stay positive, you will meet someone new who will be good to you and treat you the way you deserve

[elaine567]

I think it's partly because you feel there has been no closure, and your pain is untapped by the fact that he theoretically doesn't know about it...and you'd want him to.

Think about the possibility of having a final discussion with him....and just know, once and for all, what he wants to do.

 

So you suggest she starts it all up again, contacting him, hoping and wishing to no avail... being rejected again...

What on earth for? SO she can rip at her heart again, and undo all the good the last 2 weeks NC has done. He rejected her, doesn't want her in his life, and he doesn't love her, full stop. How much closure does there need to be????

 

It may still feel very bad but what is needed is time, 2 weeks down on the way to recovery is better than nothing.

[jellybean89]

Do NOT contact him for this alleged closure. Closure comes from within YOU. You admit he made his choice, his wife. Why anyone would tell you to restart contact is beyond me. Why restart all of this? It won't end any differently.

 

Grieve it and put a period on it. Life will go on. Life happened before him, it will happen without him. Time to stop having self pity. Take charge of your life.

[bathtub-row]

Does it ever get easier? It's been over two weeks since last time we talked and I haven't felt as bad as I feel now.

Only two weeks... and it feels like eternity

 

I know this stuff is really hard. While I don't doubt you love MM, I think you would do well to do a little soul-searching right now. What I mean is, ask yourself how much of your reaction is about love and how much is about ego. Ego goes into full swing when it's wounded like yours is right now. This man who used to give you focused attention, who made you feel more special and understood than anyone ever came close to doing, has now punched your ego right in the face. He has done a pure 180 and you're still spinning from it.

 

No one - absolutely no one - likes to be rejected or dumped. We all hate it but, in your case, you had to know that this was a possibility. Yet you continued to hang on to a dream and, now that it has happened, you're behaving as though you've been blindsided. Have you really been, or have you just been fooling yourself?

 

I'm not saying these things to be mean. I'm saying them because a lot of the OW/MM relationships have a lot of ego tied up in them. You turned his head when his attention should've been elsewhere. You won his attention, his devotion and trust. Do you see what I'm talking about? I'm not saying that love isn't a factor, but what I am saying is that ego can feel like love when it really isn't. Love is purer in the sense that it will let something go if it wants to be free. Ego will fight and scream and do a major dance when it's offended. Viva la difference.

 

I know you love and miss MM, but because you refuse to let the tail of this tiger go, I suspect that there's also a lot of ego disguising itself as love. Just something to think about.

[georgia girl]

I think it's partly because you feel there has been no closure, and your pain is untapped by the fact that he theoretically doesn't know about it...and you'd want him to.

Think about the possibility of having a final discussion with him....and just know, once and for all, what he wants to do. You must know, it is your right. However this is just an opinion...if you don't want to see him again, don't do it. Just stay positive, you will meet someone new who will be good to you and treat you the way you deserve

 

Monica,

 

I don't think you should reach out. As someone else noted, closure doesn't come from him - it comes from within. And as much as you hurt right now, you have already gone through the first two weeks of healing, which are often the hardest.

 

If reach out, you may get a little attention and in the moment, it may feel good. But it will be hollow and never enough. Best to continue no contact and get yourself as far away from your hurt as possible.

 

Clean breaks heal so much faster with less damage to your heart.

 

 

Take care, GG

[Cressida]

Anything she feels like it would help, that was my point.

 

Of course cutting him off and going NC for good is the best solution, but Monica seemed in a great deal of pain and I thought that if she really needed closure, having a 'final chat' with him would have maybe clarified things for good.

 

I also believe that just moving on is the best way to go, overall....stay strong, Monica.

[raspberry.12]

Hi Monica,

 

Please accept the truth and move on. I know it's really hard. I am encouraging you and I'm trying myself to do it too because I am in the same boat as you.

He (my separated/MM) finally decided to go back for the kids as they begged him to stay. He can't resist it and of course, I understand that as a father he would do everything for the children. You/me are their 2nd option anyway.

He said it was his hard decision too as he loves me, but at the same time, his kids are priorities.

I am heartbroken, I wish we shouldn't have started this love story at the beginning because there would be no win, the children can change everything in last minute.

His marriage with his wife almost 20 years, it wasn't easy to end either.

I am crying as I am posting this reply but I want us both to be happier in the coming days regardless how hard it is now to be apart from the one we love.

[Monicaxxx]

It's a nightmare. It's not getting better, it's getting worse. :-(

 

I tried everything I could think of and it hurts so much. I can't deal with it much longer.

Edited January 6, 2015 by Monicaxxx

[elaine567]

It's a nightmare. It's not getting better, it's getting worse. :-(

 

I tried everything I could think of and it hurts so much. I can't deal with it much longer.

 

Of course you can, you are not facing bombs in Syria, or rape by ISIS or starving to death in some refugee camp or having yor whole famioly die of Ebola. Get things into perspective here.

Some married man has gone back to his wife and kids, big deal!

 

Chances are most MM given the choice, go back to their wife and kids. so it is hardly unexpected.

You are young free and single, go live your life.

 

You dodged a bullet, do you really think he would have been true to you?

Marrying a mistress creates a vacancy...

[Monicaxxx]

Chances are most MM given the choice, go back to their wife and kids. so it is hardly unexpected.

You are young free and single, go live your life.

 

You dodged a bullet, do you really think he would have been true to you?

Marrying a mistress creates a vacancy...

 

So are there no exceptions? Are there really no examples of MM who gets a divorce, lives with the OW and they are happy together?

 

Really not a single example?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So are there no exceptions? Are there really no examples of MM who gets a divorce, lives with the OW and they are happy together?

 

Really not a single example?

 

Very rarely but the examples are few and far between. But none of that matters now however, since that's not going to happen in your case. Let that dram go immediately.