It's always the man's fault...

[joystickd]

So a man may well send this kind of thing to a work email when his wife is off on a ten day business trip. Bearing in mind the possibility that she may also be auto-forwarding her mails.

His reason is to 'logically' shed light on the issue and hope for some conversations and reconciliations on the subject while she is busy and away on a ten day business trip?

Surely if he wanted to shed light on it it would be better if she were in the same location.

Then again, his reason for sending it was to say that he wasn't going to miss her.

So shedding light and saying he isn't going to miss her don't add up/make sense either.

 

 

Would it not be more logical to end the relationship if he was that unhappy about things?

 

 

I have no proof, perhaps his list with dates and times was made up right there and then at the time he sent the mail.

 

I still say that was his way of dealing with it. We all deal with things differently.

[Taramere]

He was only doing what he knew.

 

Fine. He couldn't think of a better strategy for dealing with it. Handling and addressing emotional conflict isn't his forte right now. It's something we all struggle with, and have to learn throughout life.

 

I think my issue with this is mainly that some people supporting the guy seem to be trying to argue that this stuff with the spreadsheets was in some way a good idea. Holding up that piece of pseudo-professional, punitive piece of childishness as an example of anything other than truly dire communication is a mistake in my book.

[joystickd]

Fine. He couldn't think of a better strategy for dealing with it. Handling and addressing emotional conflict isn't his forte right now. It's something we all struggle with, and have to learn throughout life.

 

I think my issue with this is mainly that some people supporting the guy seem to be trying to argue that this stuff with the spreadsheets was in some way a good idea. Holding up that piece of pseudo-professional, punitive piece of childishness as an example of anything other than truly dire communication is a mistake in my book.

 

I think handling conflict is neither ones forte. Obviously if it was that much of a problem it wouldn't had come to the spreadsheet battle.

[BlueIris]

Fine. He couldn't think of a better strategy for dealing with it. Handling and addressing emotional conflict isn't his forte right now. It's something we all struggle with, and have to learn throughout life.

 

I think my issue with this is mainly that some people supporting the guy seem to be trying to argue that this stuff with the spreadsheets was in some way a good idea. Holding up that piece of pseudo-professional, punitive piece of childishness as an example of anything other than truly dire communication is a mistake in my book.

 

I agree. And it is probably easier to say, “You avoid having sex with me, dammit!” than it is to say, “Why don’t you want to have sex with me any more?” That’s a question lots of people want to avoid asking, or hearing the answer to- much less undertake solving.

[GemmaUK]

He was only doing what he knew.

 

 

Quoting the same thing here but if he proposed to her in the form of a spreadsheet and always handled interactions about anything serious, important or sensitive via spreadsheets sent to her work email then yes I absolutely agree with you!

[joystickd]

Quoting the same thing here but if he proposed to her in the form of a spreadsheet and always handled interactions about anything serious, important or sensitive via spreadsheets sent to her work email then yes I absolutely agree with you!

 

Proposing and having a conflict are two different things. Conflict can force people to deal with things in ways no one would expect so you cannot compare the two.

[joystickd]

I agree. And it is probably easier to say, “You avoid having sex with me, dammit!” than it is to say, “Why don’t you want to have sex with me any more?” That’s a question lots of people want to avoid asking, or hearing the answer to- much less undertake solving.

 

Would you answer why you avoid having sex?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Would you answer why you avoid having sex?

I would. And I can't imagine being able to feel sexual towards a partner if they presented me with that spreadsheet, not out of vindictiveness but because it is so awfully anti sexy. Seriously it would be hard to ever have sex with him again without thinking about the way he'd be marking it off in his columns.

[BlueIris]

Would you answer why you avoid having sex?

 

That's the crux of it, isn't it? I'd probably say I needed to think about it if I didn't already know. I'd have to really look at myself and my feelings, and feelings about him, which is all very uncomfortable stuff.

 

There were only two relationships in which I eventually avoided having sex with my partner, and sex avoidance was just one canary in the coal mine. We did address the underlying problems. In all other relationships, I always wanted to have sex at least as much as he did.

[joystickd]

I would. And I can't imagine being able to feel sexual towards a partner if they presented me with that spreadsheet, not out of vindictiveness but because it is so awfully anti sexy. Seriously it would be hard to ever have sex with him again without thinking about the way he'd be marking it off in his columns.

 

I can understand that.

[Gloria25]

She removed her post from Reddit, but the summary is there. It says that he sent her an inflammatory email (with the spreadsheet attached) as she was driving to the airport, then cut contact. Refused to take any calls from her. That doesn't sound like somebody who wants an honest dialogue about why sex is tailing off to once every 10 days or so. It doesn't sound like somebody who wants to hear their partner's side of things. It sounds like somebody who just wants to go on the attack.

 

Well, maybe he was "done"...and instead of just ending it - he gave her the spreadsheet to at least let her know about his frustrations.

 

Kinda like you gotta have that "closure". So, he was ready to call it quits and gave her the spreadsheet so he could probably get off his chest why he was done with her.

 

And, as you can see from her reaction and her treatment of him and the sex - no wonder he gave her the spreadsheet via e-mail instead of asking for a sit down.

[Gloria25]

It was pre-meditated, but whether or not the spreadsheet became an attack, or even happened at all, was up to his wife. If she hadn't turned him down because she wanted to watch a Friends rerun, that spreadsheet never would have happened. My guess is this situation had being going on for a while before he thought of the spreadsheet and he just got sick of it. Could he have handled it a better way? Sure. I think he was just done with her at this point and the spreadsheet was his way of illustrating why.

 

Exactly. It could have been going on for longer than that month on the spreadsheet. So, one day he probably said "let me document this". I also like the point about "journaling". People have diaries and/or personal journals of stuff, the fact that he did it on a spreadsheet doesn't make it different from what normal people do. Actually, the spreadsheet illustrates it better. You have a column for this, that, and the other. That would be harder to do in a book or Word document (well unless you insert a table in the document).

 

Maybe he should have drafted something with Access?

[Maleficent]

Exactly. It could have been going on for longer than that month on the spreadsheet. So, one day he probably said "let me document this". I also like the point about "journaling". People have diaries and/or personal journals of stuff, the fact that he did it on a spreadsheet doesn't make it different from what normal people do. Actually, the spreadsheet illustrates it better. You have a column for this, that, and the other. That would be harder to do in a book or Word document (well unless you insert a table in the document).

 

Maybe he should have drafted something with Access?

 

Based on most people's comments, it's not the fact he made the spreadsheet that bothers it's the way he brought it up.

 

It's the fact he sent it to her by email while she was leaving on a 10 day business trip.

[Gloria25]

Based on most people's comments, it's not the fact he made the spreadsheet that bothers it's the way he brought it up.

 

It's the fact he sent it to her by email while she was leaving on a 10 day business trip.

 

Cuz, he probably wanted to avoid conflict. Cuz, as you can see - she is unreasonable and why waste his time communicating with her.

 

Also, maybe he was hoping she could look at it, and since she would be away, she wouldn't have the opportunity to get mad and fight with him. That the space between them would be enough for her to sit down and think about what he's trying to tell her - and probably, if she reacted negatively (which she did), he could probably move out his or her stuff by the time she comes back.

[Maleficent]

Cuz, he probably wanted to avoid conflict. Cuz, as you can see - she is unreasonable and why waste his time communicating with her.

 

Also, maybe he was hoping she could look at it, and since she would be away, she wouldn't have the opportunity to get mad and fight with him. That the space between them would be enough for her to sit down and think about what he's trying to tell her - and probably, if she reacted negatively (which she did), he could probably move out his or her stuff by the time she comes back.

 

 

 

How can you expect someone to not react negatively when you are approaching a problem in a negative way to begin with?

[Maleficent]

Moreso, if he wanted her to 'reflect on it while she was away so they could talk about it when she gets back' he wouldn't have sent it along with a sarcastic email like he did.

 

We definitely don' t know the whole story and I'm not saying the woman acted right in this story either but he is definitely not in the right either.

[Taramere]

And, as you can see from her reaction and her treatment of him and the sex - no wonder he gave her the spreadsheet via e-mail instead of asking for a sit down.

 

 

What reaction (to the email) are you talking about? The fact that she tried (unsuccessfully) to contact him about it? Or the fact that she posted the spreadsheet on Reddit? As far as I'm aware, posters on Reddit are anonymous - so her posting that spreadsheet on Reddit surely isn't so different from people posting details about their relationship problems on here.

[preraph]

No wonder most guys won't marry now a days

 

Regardless of all that, men would still all be seeking marriage today but for one thing, and that thing is the advent of birth control, which spawned the sexual revolution. Before then, if men wanted sex with anyone except a prostitute, they pretty much had to pick a girl and marry her, which is why they married earlier. No marriage, no sex. All those other reason simply would go by the wayside if sex was on the line and marriage was necessary to get it. All those reasons are minor to men compared to not having sex and therefore a pout is about all they deserve.

[gaius]

You're supposed to channel your thoughts and feelings good or bad into your wife, not a spreadsheet. No wonder she was always too tired.

[TheGuard13]

I don't really see how presenting someone with a spreadsheet is passive-aggressive.

 

 

It seems pretty direct to me. And I found this event more than a little bit humorous.

 

 

Seriously, you'd have to have like, no sense of humor not to appreciate the work he put into it and his general approach.

[gaius]

I don't really see how presenting someone with a spreadsheet is passive-aggressive.

 

It seems pretty direct to me. And I found this event more than a little bit humorous.

 

Seriously, you'd have to have like, no sense of humor not to appreciate the work he put into it and his general approach.

It's like if someone goofs on you and instead of fighting back you go home and write about it in your journal. Then after 20 entries you drop a copy in their mailbox. It's sad on many levels. =/ Especially with the person who's supposed to be your intimate partner.

[TheGuard13]

That assumes we know that happened. We don't, and speculating about their relationship seems pointless.

 

 

All we know is he made a spreadsheet for some reason.

 

 

It's sad, but hilariously so.

[OwMyEyeball]

That assumes we know that happened. We don't, and speculating about their relationship seems pointless.

 

 

All we know is he made a spreadsheet for some reason.

 

 

It's sad, but hilariously so.

I'm trying to imagine a geeky couple who leave sarcastic little spreadsheets around the house for their partner to find

 

She could do a chart on "Number of things that need fixing vs Number of things fixed" Maybe get a little geekier and add some dates. Maybe another column for "Things that you fixed but then needed to be redone by a contractor"

[Taramere]

I'm trying to imagine a geeky couple who leave sarcastic little spreadsheets around the house for their partner to find

 

She could do a chart on "Number of things that need fixing vs Number of things fixed" Maybe get a little geekier and add some dates. Maybe another column for "Things that you fixed but then needed to be redone by a contractor"

 

There would definitely be comedy potential in using spreadsheets to address marital grievances - but I don't think the H in this case was aiming to be funny.

 

Presumably he found out about the spreadsheet going onto Reddit. I wonder what happened then. Maybe they read through all the commentary that was going on and had to turn to eachother for mutual support against haters. Perhaps eventually they'll release a spreadsheet documenting the road to marital recovery.

[xxoo]

You're supposed to channel your thoughts and feelings good or bad into your wife, not a spreadsheet. No wonder she was always too tired.

 

I'm reading into your post a little bit, but I think I agree with you. You are supposed to persist in trying to communicate, and also a bit of passion is generally a good thing. My marriage isn't perfect, and I sometimes get upset about things that my H poo-poos at first, and I just keep coming back and trying to approach it different ways, maybe the next day or later in the same day, hitting the wall again and again, take a small breather, and then I come back to try again! In the end, people get understood (both of us....a big challenge is me trying to get him to explain how HE feels about the issue), and issues get resolved. And sex is had.

 

Yes, growing apart and losing that sense of urgency to resolve issues and get close again would result in a substantial amount of tiredness, as you put it. Fatigue. Boredom. Bed death.