What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[somedude81]

Is this a serious question?

 

Maybe.

 

 

This is why I said "Something like that would absolutely not occur to me."

 

Even if I had the idea, I would have no clue where to take somebody after a night of dancing.

[Lani]

Maybe.

 

 

This is why I said "Something like that would absolutely not occur to me."

 

Even if I had the idea, I would have no clue where to take somebody after a night of dancing.

 

Because you have no social life..

This is here having friends would benefit you.

 

How can you not be thinking of food? I'm always thinking of food.

[MidwestUSA]

Maybe.

 

 

This is why I said "Something like that would absolutely not occur to me."

 

Even if I had the idea, I would have no clue where to take somebody after a night of dancing.

 

 

 

What about your taco hut?

[Pyro]

Maybe.

 

 

This is why I said "Something like that would absolutely not occur to me."

 

Even if I had the idea, I would have no clue where to take somebody after a night of dancing.

 

You are not ready to date if you can't even handle deciding on a place to eat after prom. =\

 

Google Soup Plantation. They are popular in your neck of the woods.

[MidwestUSA]

 

Google Soup Plantation. They are popular in your neck of the woods.

 

Is Sweet Tomatoes the same? We have those.

[somedude81]

Because you have no social life..

This is here having friends would benefit you.

 

How can you not be thinking of food? I'm always thinking of food.

 

As I already pointed out, I don't have the coolest ideas when thinking of food.

 

No, I don't have an active social life. Though even when I did have friends, they weren't the type to go out. So it's never a life style I had.

 

Heck, even when I had a girlfriend we really didn't go out late at night. She never wanted to, and I didn't see the point when there was plenty of fun to have inside...

[Pyro]

Is Sweet Tomatoes the same? We have those.

 

The same. A guaranteed panties dropper establishment.

[Lani]

As I already pointed out, I don't have the coolest ideas when thinking of food.

 

No, I don't have an active social life. Though even when I did have friends, they weren't the type to go out. So it's never a life style I had.

 

Heck, even when I had a girlfriend we really didn't go out late at night. She never wanted to, and I didn't see the point when there was plenty of fun to have inside...

 

Okay..

Is it something you would be interested in? Going out at night I mean.

Or are you only interested in sex? Because that's what your last two posts to me indicate.

[MidwestUSA]

As I already pointed out, I don't have the coolest ideas when thinking of food.

 

 

 

Tapas. Share 'em.

[Teknoe]

I am just curious if you have ever been diagnosed with Aspergers ??

 

 

He posted not long ago that a doctor told him he has aspergers (which was my guess all along). Not long after, he said he got a 2nd opinion and that doctor said he did not. I am not going to pretend I know, but from everything I've read from him (from the gross missed social cues to having trouble simply relating to others), I suspect he falls somewhere on the spectrum.

 

At any rate, SD said he would treat busy girl as a friend by being friendly yet with a hint of being flirty to let her know he is still interested.

 

Um, then that is no longer friendly in the platonic sense.

 

I also find it interesting that he said "Oh well if she tells me to f off. Another one of many."

 

It seems he needs to take a crash course in respecting people's boundaries. He charges over anyone willing to give him the time of day, and he ends up driving them away.

 

And you wonder why he can't keep even a female friend for any length of time. People eventually get fed up and move on. It's a serious underlying issue that he needs to examine. Otherwise he's just spinning his wheels and the cycle is doomed to repeat. Really sad that we all can see it so clearly but the one person that can't is the topic creator.

[Els]

Don't you have apps around there that could help you find a nice place to hang out after the dance? Something like Yelp or Foursquare or stuff? (It helps if you've checked the place out before though, so it doesn't turn out to be a disappointment)

 

If she doesn't drink, how about a late night place that serves tapas/snacks, or dessert? There's a gelato place here that's really popular with the college crowd at night, as well as a yakitori bar.

 

Denny's just screams PLATONIC HANGOUT louder than if you'd worn a t-shirt saying that.

[rester]

I've completely lost track of these last few pages and had to skim them, but:

-Not sure why offering to pay for a date is "reserved for relationships". That's stingy, somedude. Pay for the first few. They don't have to be pricey.

-Denny's is not suitable for anything other than road trip breakfast. Reserve THAT shet "for relationships."

-Sounds like lunch girl might be an option but trying to get her alone without asking her out does sound creepy. Somedude needs to find a balance between making his intentions clear and coming on too strong. I would've asked out lunch girl after dancing all night Sunday.

-Don't try to play busygirl against lunchgirl on Friday. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

[somedude81]

Okay..

Is it something you would be interested in? Going out at night I mean.

 

Honestly, not really.

 

I'd most likely want to go home around 11. Unwind for about 30 min online, then go to bed.

 

With my insomnia I'm not much of a night person. If I wait too long to go to bed I just start getting a headache, like right now and it's only 11:30.

 

Or are you only interested in sex? Because that's what your last two posts to me indicate.

 

Sex is pretty much the only late night thing I want to do besides sleep.

 

Going out to eat after dancing sounds like a fun idea, but it's not something I've ever done. I'd be willing to make the suggestion to her.

Edited November 12, 2014 by somedude81

[Lani]

Honestly, not really.

 

I'd most likely want to go home around 11. Unwind for about 30 min online, then go to bed.

 

With my insomnia I'm not much of a night person. If I wait too long to go to bed I just start getting a headache, like right now and it's only 11:30.

 

 

 

Sex is pretty much the only late night thing I want to do besides sleep.

 

Going out to eat after dancing sounds like a fun idea, but it's not something I've ever done. I'd be willing to make the suggestion to her.

 

Do you know what insomnia means?

 

If you don't want to go out at night like that then don't suggest it to her. Don't date in ways you wouldn't normally run your life, otherwise things change when you get into a relationship and that's unfair.

 

Just keep in mind that if you aren't even interested in changing ways of your lifestyle, how can you expect any other factors to change around you?

[Els]

 

Sex is pretty much the only late night thing I want to do besides sleep.

 

Are you really only 33?

 

Honestly, I think you should just go for it even if it's something you don't normally do. You might find that you like it, and frankly you can't lose anything by venturing out of your comfort zone at this point.

[MidwestUSA]

Well, if you have insomnia, I'll take back what I said about Denny's.

 

A Moon Over my Hammy is just what you need. It'll knock you right out (but not so much that you'll sleep thru the urge to hit the bathroom).

 

 

I have some pretty fond memories of my last one, post Van Halen concert, 1992 or thereabouts.

[GemmaUK]

Why does that matter?

 

I'm trying to be as open about my intentions with these girls so they know what they are getting into. If a girl knows that I'm interested in her, and she still spends time with me, that's on her. If she wasn't comfortable, all she has to do is say no.

 

 

Because not being direct and upfront and asking her out and attempting to be friends while you have an agenda to date is manipulative.

 

 

Look at what you have already said happens.

1. you like girl

2. you decide to become friends in order to get her to like you

3. she is fine with being friends

4. you ask girl to do things with you which she declines and or says she isn't dating as she gets a feeling you have more interest than friendship

5. once you are friends you then (and you admit this yourself) will send texts to have a go at girl and blow the situation up when girl did not realise she had done anything wrong as she had previously been very clear she didn't want to date you

People make friends all the time and so these girls have no idea that you are trying to manipulate them into dating you. They just think you are a new friend.

If they knew that you were trying to manipulate then they would steer clear. That mind set along with trying the guilt trip on them by texting and blowing things up are controlling behaviours.

 

You say that you are making all your intentions clear yet to those who have and make friends don't see your actions as anything other than friendship as a man who wants to date will actively flirt, ask us on actual dates.

 

 

Which may change over time. At least she knows I like her so she can't say that I'm misleading her.

But if she doesn't want to date you and has told you this or even implied it at the same level as you are implying you want to date (ie. not being open, honest and upfront about it) then she won't think any of your actions are about trying to date her in future as she thinks you respect her boundaries.

 

 

Why would it not "work out?" I'm just going to be sociable and dance with girls. Hell maybe I'll even introduce them to each other.

 

 

Same as Rester said above, this could be a recipe for disaster.

If lunch girl does actually like you then she will see you 'bouncing around' from girl to girl.

Edited November 12, 2014 by GemmaUK

[thefooloftheyear]

Good grief....

 

If I had to work half as hard as you are right now, Id either get a dog or switch to the other team...

 

Its not working, and I have no idea why some are even trying to continue to give advice on proceeding with these girls..They are either as naive as you are or are getting off on watching you continue to struggle...Forget it...I think you are trying to figure out how some inexperienced little girls are somehow going to find you dashing and irresistible by just hanging around them...Attraction doesnt work that way...Its instant...Its there or it isnt..About the only way it can "build", is if they come to find out that you are interesting, sophisticated, wordly, etc...And you aren't at this time...Even with that said, there still has to be something there, an initial light attraction, certainly more than you are getting right now, which is literally nothing....If it takes this much work, then something is wrong....end of story...

 

You quickly reject the advice on working towards becoming a better and more desirable man, so I wont bother continuing to state the obvious..You wont have any of it...

 

You are breaking all the "rules".....You cant create chemistry with a cup of sand and some warm milk....You are thinking (wrongly) that you have a shot, just beacause they havent told you to go fck yourself and leave them alone...Well guess what?...Most girls/women will let you chase them from here to eternity, while they run off and bang other guys...Do you like that role?...I certainly hope not...

 

Stop being the third wheel and the creepy older outlier..You are embarrassing yourself as a man..

 

I do wish you well..

 

TFY

[Teknoe]

Good grief....

 

If I had to work half as hard as you are right now, Id either get a dog or switch to the other team...

 

Its not working, and I have no idea why some are even trying to continue to give advice on proceeding with these girls..They are either as naive as you are or are getting off on watching you continue to struggle...Forget it...I think you are trying to figure out how some inexperienced little girls are somehow going to find you dashing and irresistible by just hanging around them...Attraction doesnt work that way...Its instant...Its there or it isnt..About the only way it can "build", is if they come to find out that you are interesting, sophisticated, wordly, etc...And you aren't at this time...Even with that said, there still has to be something there, an initial light attraction, certainly more than you are getting right now, which is literally nothing....If it takes this much work, then something is wrong....end of story...

 

You quickly reject the advice on working towards becoming a better and more desirable man, so I wont bother continuing to state the obvious..You wont have any of it...

 

You are breaking all the "rules".....You cant create chemistry with a cup of sand and some warm milk....You are thinking (wrongly) that you have a shot, just beacause they havent told you to go fck yourself and leave them alone...Well guess what?...Most girls/women will let you chase them from here to eternity, while they run off and bang other guys...Do you like that role?...I certainly hope not...

 

Stop being the third wheel and the creepy older outlier..You are embarrassing yourself as a man..

 

I do wish you well..

 

TFY

 

 

+1. It's been hard to read this topic with anything else than a feeling of "uh oh... I already know where this is going..."

 

Topic creator forges these fantasies in his mind, "chases" these young girls and hopes to somehow get lucky. All the while he uses it and this message board as a way to distract him from becoming a full grown adult and facing life's pressing issues such as graduation and the "real world"

 

Skip steps and stay stunted. It's as simple as that.

 

These play by plays are tough to read. Topic creator is way overthinking it, again.

[Teknoe]

Are you really only 33?

 

Honestly, I think you should just go for it even if it's something you don't normally do. You might find that you like it, and frankly you can't lose anything by venturing out of your comfort zone at this point.

 

 

The crazy thing is, not only is he 33, but he lives like he's 53. I'm not trying to be mean here, as I tend to be a bit of a homebody myself, but you gotta know who you are.

 

Most girls 20-22 are in a "party" stage of their life. They're out and about. They want to have fun. They are not ready to settle. And they see 33 year old guys as ancient and creepy (if said guys try to hit on them).

 

Have no idea why SD constantly stacks the deck against himself. It's like he secretly enjoys this little game.

 

He would fare best with someone 28-35, also a homebody and probably a girl who doesn't have a lot of friends and just wants a boyfriend who will love her.

 

You are not going to find that in a 20-24 year old girl, SD.

[Els]

The crazy thing is, not only is he 33, but he lives like he's 53. I'm not trying to be mean here, as I tend to be a bit of a homebody myself, but you gotta know who you are.

 

Most girls 20-22 are in a "party" stage of their life. They're out and about. They want to have fun. They are not ready to settle. And they see 33 year old guys as ancient and creepy (if said guys try to hit on them).

 

Have no idea why SD constantly stacks the deck against himself. It's like he secretly enjoys this little game.

 

He would fare best with someone 28-35, also a homebody and probably a girl who doesn't have a lot of friends and just wants a boyfriend who will love her.

 

You are not going to find that in a 20-24 year old girl, SD.

 

Heck, I'm not a party person myself (loud music and people packed like sardines REALLY turn me off and always have, even at 20), but even I like going out for the occasional supper.

 

We've been through the 'age' thing and the 'work on yourself first' thing ad nauseum, so I'm not sure there's any point repeating them. In this case, IMO anything that gives SD some motivation to get out of his house and see his city a bit and talk to people, is a good idea for him at this stage.

[Flawlless]

After reading many , if not most of his posts , I am convinced that Aspergers is a STRONG possibility .

Everything you have described and the ways you have responded to other's very good advice is showing the basic misunderstanding of "proper' social interactions .

I have a couple of people in my life , just friends , that are on the Autism spectrum and their demeanor and ways of thinking really coincide with a lot of things you have posted here .

 

You don't seem to acknowledge boundaries . Those set by others when they are not interested seem to only fuel your goal of getting them to eventually look at you differently . That is just not how things work .

 

You have asked many times what you are doing wrong and why they don't seem to want to be anything other than friends if even that . I can say that imo , you come off as very very needy . I think you most likely invade personal space which even on a friend level can be looked at as creepy . You said you are a touchy feely person even with friends that are just girls . I am also inclined to think that even though you don't see yourself as coming off as needy your body language may show otherwise . One of my friends , a male , when he sees an interest in someone , instead of a casual glance at them across the room will literally stare and gawk at the person . I've told him he does this and he doesn't even realize he is doing it but trust me , others notice and he is labeled as creepy and looking like a stalker .

 

The fact that you don't have a very big social life or many male role models to look to for advice , I believe hinders your ability to see and take cues about how relationships form and work . If you do have Aspergers this is huge . Without having the ability to pick up on social cues , Aspies learn from example as to what is acceptable in society . You need to get yourself out there and observe friends , couples in everyday roles and take in what you see as appropriate dating behavior . Like everyone has stated to you on here you need to focus on YOU , not your next conquest . Because unless you acknowledge what you are doing wrong and why these women remain uninterested , this will continue to be a vicious cycle for you .

[Teknoe]

After reading many , if not most of his posts , I am convinced that Aspergers is a STRONG possibility .

Everything you have described and the ways you have responded to other's very good advice is showing the basic misunderstanding of "proper' social interactions .

I have a couple of people in my life , just friends , that are on the Autism spectrum and their demeanor and ways of thinking really coincide with a lot of things you have posted here .

 

You don't seem to acknowledge boundaries . Those set by others when they are not interested seem to only fuel your goal of getting them to eventually look at you differently . That is just not how things work .

 

You have asked many times what you are doing wrong and why they don't seem to want to be anything other than friends if even that . I can say that imo , you come off as very very needy . I think you most likely invade personal space which even on a friend level can be looked at as creepy . You said you are a touchy feely person even with friends that are just girls . I am also inclined to think that even though you don't see yourself as coming off as needy your body language may show otherwise . One of my friends , a male , when he sees an interest in someone , instead of a casual glance at them across the room will literally stare and gawk at the person . I've told him he does this and he doesn't even realize he is doing it but trust me , others notice and he is labeled as creepy and looking like a stalker .

 

The fact that you don't have a very big social life or many male role models to look to for advice , I believe hinders your ability to see and take cues about how relationships form and work . If you do have Aspergers this is huge . Without having the ability to pick up on social cues , Aspies learn from example as to what is acceptable in society . You need to get yourself out there and observe friends , couples in everyday roles and take in what you see as appropriate dating behavior . Like everyone has stated to you on here you need to focus on YOU , not your next conquest . Because unless you acknowledge what you are doing wrong and why these women remain uninterested , this will continue to be a vicious cycle for you .

 

Agreed. His posts, reactions and inability to see things from another point of view strongly indicates to me he falls somewhere on the spectrum.

 

The thing is, if you have Aspergers, it's not necessarily a deal breaker. What is, however, is burying your head in the sand, doing the same crap over and over and thinking that somehow things are magically going to change.

 

Unfortunately, SD has caught himself in a vicious cycle so long that I'm not sure what could break it. Does he have the will power and fortitude to make changes in his life? I would like to believe yes, but everything I've seen from him points to no. Instead of trying to show everyone here he can get a girlfriend, he should make it a priority to get his life on track and built on a firm foundation, where he loves himself and is content being single. Until then, the wheels spin. Have you noticed that any sound advice he ignores, or AT BEST, he says he will look into it? Of course, he says he will, but then he never does. I saw it before where someone asked him "So SD, did you ever look into ____ like you said you would?" Then he would reply "Nope, didn't really. Nope."

 

Basically a lot of talk and no walk from him. When he does try the walk, at the first sign of difficulty he disengages. He never learns because he never sticks it out. Last time he had male friends? 10 years ago? Gave up because it "just wasn't worth it." That was 10 years ago. Why not try again?

 

Giving him "how to chase this girl" advice is basically pointless, and at best, a short term band-aid.

 

This has never been about the girl.

 

It's always been about SomeDude81.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Teknoe

[somedude81]

Do you know what insomnia means?

 

If you don't want to go out at night like that then don't suggest it to her. Don't date in ways you wouldn't normally run your life, otherwise things change when you get into a relationship and that's unfair.

 

Just keep in mind that if you aren't even interested in changing ways of your lifestyle, how can you expect any other factors to change around you?

 

Are you really only 33?

 

Honestly, I think you should just go for it even if it's something you don't normally do. You might find that you like it, and frankly you can't lose anything by venturing out of your comfort zone at this point.

 

Yes I know what insomnia means. I have a hard time falling asleep and I wake up a couple of times throughout the night. As such my quality of sleep is very poor. That's why I don't like staying up late.

 

In spite of that, I did say that I'll consider it. It really depends on how the night goes.

[Anela]

Yes I know what insomnia means. I have a hard time falling asleep and I wake up a couple of times throughout the night. As such my quality of sleep is very poor. That's why I don't like staying up late.

 

In spite of that, I did say that I'll consider it. It really depends on how the night goes.

 

Going out would probably help you to sleep. I know that it usually helps me.