Back again

[Sofie2013]

After talking the weekend to think about I don’t think I am going to end it yet. Even though I probably should it just isn’t health. I was able to talk to my counselor over the phone on Friday and I made an appointment to see her tomorrow. She obviously does not like this situation at all and has been urging me to stop it. I don’t think I can anymore I’m in too deep already. I’m pretty sure this is going end badly for me. I hope it doesn’t. I just need him in my life even if only a part of him. A piece of something is better than nothing

 

I know my ex-husband isn’t doing this to hurt me or punish me in anyway. I know this. I’m pretty sure he has no idea how I’m truly feel about this. He might know it bothers me but not how much or how much it’s killing me.

 

Thanks again for all the help.

[Sub]

Even though this may seem obvious to most - and maybe I've missed it in the thread - but is he aware that you're holding out hope that you'll get back together? It just seems like two people that still care about each other, no using or punishing going on, acting on a very familiar impulse to share time together. I think the disconnect is how you view these other women he's dating versus how he views them. He may have no plans whatsoever to get into a serious relationship again, let alone so soon after your D. You see them all as the potential "one", but he's starting from scratch here when it comes to dating. That said, the old cliché comes to mind: if you love him, you'll want what's best for him. And you may have to accept that you're not what's best for him.

[SawtoothMars]

After talking the weekend to think about I don’t think I am going to end it yet. Even though I probably should it just isn’t health. I was able to talk to my counselor over the phone on Friday and I made an appointment to see her tomorrow. She obviously does not like this situation at all and has been urging me to stop it. I don’t think I can anymore I’m in too deep already. I’m pretty sure this is going end badly for me. I hope it doesn’t. I just need him in my life even if only a part of him. A piece of something is better than nothing

I know my ex-husband isn’t doing this to hurt me or punish me in anyway. I know this. I’m pretty sure he has no idea how I’m truly feel about this. He might know it bothers me but not how much or how much it’s killing me.

Thanks again for all the help.

 

Hey... for what it's worth you sound like a very nice person. I hope he decides that it's worth a second shot. If not, I hope you are able to move on.

 

Best Wishes!

[Sofie2013]

Even though this may seem obvious to most - and maybe I've missed it in the thread - but is he aware that you're holding out hope that you'll get back together? It just seems like two people that still care about each other, no using or punishing going on, acting on a very familiar impulse to share time together. I think the disconnect is how you view these other women he's dating versus how he views them. He may have no plans whatsoever to get into a serious relationship again, let alone so soon after your D. You see them all as the potential "one", but he's starting from scratch here when it comes to dating. That said, the old cliché comes to mind: if you love him, you'll want what's best for him. And you may have to accept that you're not what's best for him.

 

 

Well he might not I know reason why I continue to see him is because it still want him back but he should know. I have made no secret that I wasn’t us back together. He knows, our family’s knows, our friends know that I want him back.

 

That’s a big reason why I don’t like the current situation. I’m scared that any minute he’s going to fall in love with one of those women. That’s what really scares. So yeah I do see them all as that potential one because one of them could be.

[stillafool]

Did you invite him to your pool party or did he just come by to see you and the kids?

[velvette]

Since the divorce we always maintained a good friendship we would still talk to each other as friends from time to time. We have a lot of the same friends so we would see each other at different social events and we talk and joke around with each. Sometimes even flirt. But we never discussed this kind of arrangement it just kind of happened. I had a pool party for the kids he stopped by. At the end of the night my boys wanted to spend the weekend with my parents. My ex was cool with so the kids went with my parents. My ex stayed and helped me clean up a bit. With a little flirting and wine we both just went for it and he end up spending the night with me. Next time it was more planned by him I just went along with it.

 

He is a good communicator. He’s very good at getting his point and ideas a cross. But when it comes to feelings, emotions and things like that he shuts down he rather act like everything is fine then to actually talk about them and work it out. And a big reason why I don’t want to talk to him about this is I am scared of what he might say. I know sooner or later I’m going to have to talk to him about what kind of relationship we have. I just rather not have it now.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this pattern of behavior sort of what led to your A in the first place. In other words, you were feeling neglected or not getting enough attention and unable to talk to him about it so you found it somewhere else?

 

If so, how is that going to work any better a second time around?

 

Also, are either of you sleeping over/waking up when the kids are there? How long before you kids realized somethings going on? And what are you setting them up for if it doesn't work. I would think that at least would be a point to start the conversation because presumably you both have their interest as a priority.

 

I prefer the direct approach myself. But, there are lots of different non-threatening ways to have the conversation that don't even require an immediate response or reaction from him.

[LovDC]

Hi Sofie,

 

I've followed your other threads--your story is the reason that I keep coming back to check on this forum, and here's my first post...

 

When you guys were finalizing the divorce, I thought the best path would be for your exH to have his space and date around casually for at least 6 months or even up to 1-2 years. I got the impression your exH is a typical alpha male on the outside with a big male ego; at the same time, he might be very vulnerable emotionally when the right "emotional circuits" are triggered (and unfortunately, you have triggered one of his biggest emotional circuits). It's more likely for a rekindled relationship between the two of you to work if it starts fresh and after a certain amount of time has passed. It's entirely possible that he acts like he's having fun dating multiple women just to feed his ego and make him less vulnerable.

 

You mentioned that you are still very much in love with your exH but that he doesn't feel the same. Why are you so sure about that? My gut feeling is that, deep down, he still has strong feelings for you. He might just be as confused; he probably enjoys very much spending time with and getting close to you, but he's not (yet) convinced that getting back with you is the right choice. I bet your exH would also feel hurt if you are dating other men, even though you're single and free to do so.

 

It's somewhat unrealistic to compare the dates you vs. other women are getting at this point. I'm sure he'd take you on the best date once your exH is completely ready to get back together. I know it's very hard to do this in practice, but I wouldn't worry too much about the other women (yet). From what you described, it doesn't look like he's serious about them anyway. Remember that people are often advised against dating someone seriously recently divorced, as it's unlikely for one to be ready to enter a healthy relationship within 1-2 years of a divorce. I mean, what would these women think if they knew the guy they're dating is having sex with his exW?! You can also initiate to go on a nice date at a nice place with him, if that's what you want.

 

When you tried to cut off earlier this month, what reason did you give? Honestly, I'd be concerned about the risk for STDs if your exH is having a physical relationship with multiple women at the same time. Other than that, I think whether or not to continue with the current state is entirely a personal choice--it all boils down to whether you think it's worth it for you to wait while taking the risk of still losing him and getting hurt. My honest observation is that you seem to need lots of attention and affection, but you are the only one who knows whether you will have the patience.

 

These are just a bunch of random thoughts from someone who has never cheated or been cheated on. In any case, you and your exH both sound very lovely people, so I'm sure you will find your happiness eventually--either together or separately.

[Owl6118]

Sophie, I have a thought for you.

 

I think you need to take several steps back. Give yourself time and space to think. And ask yourself some very hard, searching questions.

 

I followed your story from the beginning. And like many others I responded to the sincerity of your hope for a reconciliation. Part of me is glad to hear that you and your ex-husband have reconnected in this way. But part of me is concerned.

 

This is why.

 

From D-Day onward, you have been focused, almost frantic, to win you husband back. But in the midst of all that, what work have you done on you?

 

You had a prolonged affair. And in all your posts from the beginning to now, you have never given us much insight into why. So I have to ask-- do you know why? What need were you so desperate to fill, that you chose this road of selfishness? That you chose to sacrifice your integrity and much of the beauty of your soul?

 

Do you know what the gap, the broken or missing thing in you was? What have you done to fix it?

 

When you were sliding down the slope into your affair, when you began exchanging confidences, when you began concealing, when you told the first lies to yourself and then to your husband, did you justify it in part our of a sense of resentment? That your husband was unavailable, or distant, or too involved with his law career, or seemed uninterested in you or your problems or your passions?

 

Because I have to tell you, whatever you may have thought you resented, it will be worse now. The discovery of your affair is sure to have changed your husband, and not for the better. If he was guarded or distant before, he will be much more so now and for a long time to come. If he seemed detached, part of him will now be completely walled off from you, and will stay walled off for a long time to come. If he seemed to devoted to work, he will be more so, for work is a place where he is respected and in command, in a way he was not in his private "safe" home life.

 

What I am saying is--do you want your husband back, your real husband, as he is now, bearing the scars and wounds you inflicted with the affair, or do you want your past back--the idea that if you get him back you will somehow get back to life as it was before your choices all went wrong for you. Because that is not going to happen. There is no going back there. That chapter is forever closed. So do you really want this wounded man back?

 

And that circles me back to the first question--what have you done to make yourself safe--safe for yourself and safe for him? What work have you done to have the strength to bear his pain and take it for your own, live in it with him and help him heal? Do you want him back so you can feel better--or do you want him back for his sake, to heal him?

 

If it is the latter, then you can go ahead and think about staying engaged with him, up to and maybe including sexually, from a position of selflessness and giving. Accepting that for a long time he may approach and avoid. Accepting that he may approach, and then turn away forever. Open to being hurt.

 

But if you really want him back so he can heal you--then I suggest you think long and hard about what you are really doing. Are you going to resent him if is is suddenly distant? Or burn with jealousy and resentment because you learn he was with you and then took another woman to dinner or even to bed the next weekend? Because then it is about you. And you are happy with him only when he is meeting your needs, and resentful of him when he is not.

 

He deserves better.

 

I am not telling you what to do. Not at all. I am suggesting that you need to do a lot of thinking about what you really want, and where you are acting from--from a place of love, which is giving, or a place of need, which is the same selfish place that got you here to begin with.

[BetrayedH]

After talking the weekend to think about I don’t think I am going to end it yet. Even though I probably should it just isn’t health. I was able to talk to my counselor over the phone on Friday and I made an appointment to see her tomorrow. She obviously does not like this situation at all and has been urging me to stop it. I don’t think I can anymore I’m in too deep already. I’m pretty sure this is going end badly for me. I hope it doesn’t. I just need him in my life even if only a part of him. A piece of something is better than nothing

 

Too scared to talk to him

Knowing you should end it because it isn't healthy but don't think you "can"

Disregarding your therapist's advice

"I'm in too deep"

Knowing it's going to end badly

Needing him too badly to stop

 

All of these things tell me that you are not mentally strong or healthy. If I were your husband, all of this weakness would tell me that you're not a good candidate for reconciliation.

 

And this is coming from someone that is rooting for you.

 

You need to be making the good, right, and difficult decisions rather than desperately giving into your coping mechanisms. You need to be making decisions from a place of strength of character and conviction. Instead, your decisions are speaking to emotional instability. I'm sorry to see it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Too scared to talk to him

Knowing you should end it because it isn't healthy but don't think you "can"

Disregarding your therapist's advice

"I'm in too deep"

Knowing it's going to end badly

Needing him too badly to stop

 

All of these things tell me that you are not mentally strong or healthy. If I were your husband, all of this weakness would tell me that you're not a good candidate for reconciliation.

 

And this is coming from someone that is rooting for you.

 

You need to be making the good, right, and difficult decisions rather than desperately giving into your coping mechanisms. You need to be making decisions from a place of strength of character and conviction. Instead, your decisions are speaking to emotional instability. I'm sorry to see it.

 

 

You are exactly correct. It is wayward thinking. It is the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were in play during the affair....alive and well....being fed.

 

Putting into practice new coping skills is how they become part of the new I.

They don't just magically appear...one has to put in the work. The work is hard.

[Spectre]

It is also true that, having paid such a debt, it is not unfair for her to desire a new relationship with her ex-husband with a relatively clean slate. Is such a thing possible beyond abstraction? Who is to say?

 

I think it is unfair to desire a clean slate. I think it is not practical. There is *no* clean slate here, it's not possible. I think "clean slates" can be possible over minor to medium problems, but issues of these level? You can't just wipe away, no matter how much you want to do so. So I can one on hand understand her wanting a clean slate, but on the other hand for me that almost seems to somewhat minimize what happened. Since for me, it would be major enough for no clean slate, regardless of whether or not you stay together.

 

Look... you clearly just want her to quit and move on. If I felt that was what SHE wanted... I would give her the same advice as you.

 

The problem is you shouldn't give advice on what someone wants, rather on what is best.

 

I think this is just a double edged sword here. If the OP stops sleeping with the ex it is not going to make him go "oh my god I just realized I want only you". It is just going to make him sleep with these other women even more then normal, which solves nothing. On the other hand..it is not like Sophie can go out and date other men right now. I mean, obviously there is nothing physically stopping her, but if she did it would 100% seal the deal that they will never be together again, even though he is doing the same thing. Is that fair? Well, no..but that is the reality of the situation.

 

I think the longer she continues to sleep with the ex..the more it is going to hurt when she realizes he has no intent of getting back together. I would say different if they were just FWB and he had nobody else on the side, but since he is with other women as well I still do not think he wants back into the marriage, otherwise he wouldn't be doing it. I'd never get back with someone who did it, but if I for some reason decided I wanted to give it another shot..I wouldn't be dating other women. I'd give it a genuine shot first before I went that route.

[Blackknight]

You are exactly correct. It is wayward thinking. It is the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were in play during the affair....alive and well....being fed.

 

Putting into practice new coping skills is how they become part of the new I.

They don't just magically appear...one has to put in the work. The work is hard.

 

When I read her last post I too thought it sounded like the same pattern that leads many into affairs. Ignoring the self damage for the ultimate goal. An unhealthy obsession. A weakness for saying no. Wanting something external to be happy with oneself.

 

I would guess, and it is just a guess, that sophie is at limbo right now. And she feels like she won't be happy again unless she wins him back. She won't be able to forgive herself unless they are together again. The thing is, it won't magically be all better if that happens if neither of them have become whole and complete individuals on their own. For the sake of her children at least I hope she starts listening to her therapist and takes a step back from this situation.

[drifter777]

...The thing is, it won't magically be all better if that happens if neither of them have become whole and complete individuals on their own. For the sake of her children at least I hope she starts listening to her therapist and takes a step back from this situation.

Nearly all of us want this as well. It can take time because no one changes until they are ready to change. If Sophie has a good counselor they will continue to guide her toward that goal, but she has to reach it on her own or it is meaningless.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, I have a thought for you.

 

I think you need to take several steps back. Give yourself time and space to think. And ask yourself some very hard, searching questions.

 

I followed your story from the beginning. And like many others I responded to the sincerity of your hope for a reconciliation. Part of me is glad to hear that you and your ex-husband have reconnected in this way. But part of me is concerned.

 

This is why.

 

From D-Day onward, you have been focused, almost frantic, to win you husband back. But in the midst of all that, what work have you done on you?

 

You had a prolonged affair. And in all your posts from the beginning to now, you have never given us much insight into why. So I have to ask-- do you know why? What need were you so desperate to fill, that you chose this road of selfishness? That you chose to sacrifice your integrity and much of the beauty of your soul?

 

Do you know what the gap, the broken or missing thing in you was? What have you done to fix it?

 

When you were sliding down the slope into your affair, when you began exchanging confidences, when you began concealing, when you told the first lies to yourself and then to your husband, did you justify it in part our of a sense of resentment? That your husband was unavailable, or distant, or too involved with his law career, or seemed uninterested in you or your problems or your passions?

 

Because I have to tell you, whatever you may have thought you resented, it will be worse now. The discovery of your affair is sure to have changed your husband, and not for the better. If he was guarded or distant before, he will be much more so now and for a long time to come. If he seemed detached, part of him will now be completely walled off from you, and will stay walled off for a long time to come. If he seemed to devoted to work, he will be more so, for work is a place where he is respected and in command, in a way he was not in his private "safe" home life.

 

What I am saying is--do you want your husband back, your real husband, as he is now, bearing the scars and wounds you inflicted with the affair, or do you want your past back--the idea that if you get him back you will somehow get back to life as it was before your choices all went wrong for you. Because that is not going to happen. There is no going back there. That chapter is forever closed. So do you really want this wounded man back?

 

And that circles me back to the first question--what have you done to make yourself safe--safe for yourself and safe for him? What work have you done to have the strength to bear his pain and take it for your own, live in it with him and help him heal? Do you want him back so you can feel better--or do you want him back for his sake, to heal him?

 

If it is the latter, then you can go ahead and think about staying engaged with him, up to and maybe including sexually, from a position of selflessness and giving. Accepting that for a long time he may approach and avoid. Accepting that he may approach, and then turn away forever. Open to being hurt.

 

But if you really want him back so he can heal you--then I suggest you think long and hard about what you are really doing. Are you going to resent him if is is suddenly distant? Or burn with jealousy and resentment because you learn he was with you and then took another woman to dinner or even to bed the next weekend? Because then it is about you. And you are happy with him only when he is meeting your needs, and resentful of him when he is not.

 

He deserves better.

 

I am not telling you what to do. Not at all. I am suggesting that you need to do a lot of thinking about what you really want, and where you are acting from--from a place of love, which is giving, or a place of need, which is the same selfish place that got you here to begin with.

 

 

I have been trying like crazy to win him back because I really do love and I want to spend the rest of my life with him if he would let me. I have done a lot to better myself over the last year and I have worked on making sure something like an affair never happens again. I did reach a point in where I was coming to terms with everything and moving on but then we stared this kind of relationship and everything just went downhill.

 

I took me awhile to come to terms with why choose to have an affair. The main reason being I was being selfish and putting my needs before ever one else. I did have a good marriage but we both became complacent. Now add weak boundaries you start enter every dangerous ground. I know it’s something a lot of bs want to hear but affair are new, fun and exciting. And I give into all of that and I regret.

 

Theirs was nothing missing inside me or broken but more so what was missing in my life at the time. My life became very ordinary and it was missing excitement. I hate to say this but I was bored. The affair give me all of that. I knew it was wrong. I know that probably make me out to be a monster but that’s the really truth

 

I did a lot to justify my affair with things my ex-husband had done in the past but I never held any kinds of resentment towards him. Not for his career or anything like that. True be told I have always been extremely proud of what he has been able to accomplish. Yes my ex-husband is a natural distant person you never know what he really thinking or feeling but that not to say he wasn’t open to me because he was. When we first started dating he was distant, unavailable and a little too involved in then what was his playing career (college soccer) then it became law and during your first year or so of marriage he was the same but we went to counseling for the very issue and he worked hard on becoming more of the man I need him to be and he became exactly what I wanted.

 

Already know what my affair did to all the walls that took forever to break down. I was my ex-husband emotional outlet. Whatever he need I was one of the few people he talk to about anything. I maybe was the only person he was willing to talk about anything. I know I destroyed that and I want to fix that and become that person again.

 

My ex-husband has always been scared I just add to those scars and I hate that I have done so. If you guys only knew some of the things he has had to go through it would break your heart. I my husband to there is no difference between who he was then or who he is now to me he’s the same person. Everything in this world is wounded some just more than others.

 

Both I want to help him and help move pass this but it also make me feel better having him in my life. Am I strong enough to bear and hold all his pain and make it my own by myself I don’t think I could but together I know we can. It will take us awhile but that’s doesn’t matter me. Yes I do want him back so I can help him heal. I don’t resent him for doing what he’s doing he’s just coping with everything that only way he knows how it’s not his first time doing something like this. The part that bothers me is I feel like he’s given something that used to be only mine to someone.

[Sub]

Both I want to help him and help move pass this but it also make me feel better having him in my life.

Given that you have children together, he will always be a part of your life. Just not in the way you may want it. And as has been alluded to, this isn't just about what makes you feel better.

 

 

Yes I do want him back so I can help him heal.

That's not your call, though. Your presence may actually be making it harder for him, or at least prolonging it. Not saying it is, but it's possible. Has he told you what he needs from you to heal? Have you asked?

[Sofie2013]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this pattern of behavior sort of what led to your A in the first place. In other words, you were feeling neglected or not getting enough attention and unable to talk to him about it so you found it somewhere else?

 

If so, how is that going to work any better a second time around?

 

Also, are either of you sleeping over/waking up when the kids are there? How long before you kids realized somethings going on? And what are you setting them up for if it doesn't work. I would think that at least would be a point to start the conversation because presumably you both have their interest as a priority.

 

I prefer the direct approach myself. But, there are lots of different non-threatening ways to have the conversation that don't even require an immediate response or reaction from him.

 

 

No, might have pointed towards that as a reason why I had an affair but it’s just not true. He always found a way to make time for me. If I ever felt like I wasn’t all I had to do was talk to him and he would find a way to make it right. My affair was mostly out of pure selfishness more than anything else. I don’t like to admit but it’s the truth. I took me awhile to come to terms with it but I have.

 

God no, I wouldn’t even think about do thing around the kids with my ex-husband. I already put them through a lot. The last thing I want to do is confused them right now. They both seem to finale understand and are ok with what happened. He only stayed the night once and both of the boys were with my parents.

[DKT3]

When I read her last post I too thought it sounded like the same pattern that leads many into affairs. Ignoring the self damage for the ultimate goal. An unhealthy obsession. A weakness for saying no. Wanting something external to be happy with oneself.

 

I would guess, and it is just a guess, that sophie is at limbo right now. And she feels like she won't be happy again unless she wins him back. She won't be able to forgive herself unless they are together again. The thing is, it won't magically be all better if that happens if neither of them have become whole and complete individuals on their own. For the sake of her children at least I hope she starts listening to her therapist and takes a step back from this situation.

 

This is the best post I've seen of yours.

 

This all starts with honesty. Being honest first with yourself, then those who are close to you. I like to say it building a house on landmines. You can work your a$$ off for 5, 10, 15 years building this beautiful home then one false move, one missed step and boom it all comes down. Blackknight that was in part directed at you.

 

Sophie this is really a fine line for you, there is an element of looking for external happiness here. First by turning to OM, now that focus is turned towards your ex. This is unhealthy, I think we all agree about that. On the flipside you have to move forward at his pace. You know him, we don't. You feel that by having this conversation with him it would scare him away. Yet you at least have to let him know what your goals are. Lovin did that, I knew what she wanted. This doesn't mean you have to have sex with him. Our situations are similar, very. However we have minimal communication for almost 2 years after the divorce. As little as you can and still effectively co-parent. When we started to talk on a more friendly level I was in another relationship. It was really a slow build toward the sex.

 

My point is we married young, had been together since our teens and over the years become very co-dependant. That TIME APART was very important for usn without it we would never have made it this far. There comes a point when you have to let go of the outcome and focus on you. Finding a way to be happy on your own. If its to be it will happen.

[LovDC]

Theirs was nothing missing inside me or broken but more so what was missing in my life at the time. My life became very ordinary and it was missing excitement. I hate to say this but I was bored. The affair give me all of that. I knew it was wrong. I know that probably make me out to be a monster but that’s the really truth

 

Sofie,

Does it occur to you that maybe you've been so crazy about your ex-hubby since your affair was found out because being with him now is "new, fun, and exciting" (to use your words in describing your affair)? You admitted months ago that you were very turned on by your then-hubby when he was acting cool and distant toward your affair. My honest observation is that you seem to need lots of attention and excitement, and I wonder how this kind of "honeymoon feelings" can sustain if you were to get back together.

I agree with the above poster that it might help you longterm if you can be on your own and explore yourself separately for at least another year.

[AlwaysGrowing]

everyones life at some point or many points (for most of us) becomes boring and complacent. You attributed your affair to what was missing in your life...not what might be broken inside of you.

 

Well, with that logic...you are doomed to have more affairs. Because everyones life becomes boring, difficult, lonely, etc...etc..etc.

 

It is during those times that we turn to our internal coping mechanisms to guide us through. And yours chose to cheat.

 

So what is different?

 

You are now under stress again...and look at that..you turned to unhealthy coping skills again. So...are you so sure that you don't have any unhealthy internal issues at play?

[Sofie2013]

Ok I met with my counselor yesterday I went pretty well. We talked for a long time and we talked about everything that’s been going on. I got a better insight on everything. She obviously wants me to stop mostly because she doesn’t think anything good come from this. I told I didn’t think I was ready to end the kind of relationship I have with my ex-husband. I told her why I felt like I couldn’t end it yet and she told me her view and why it wasn’t a good idea. In the end we both agreed if I choose to continue to see him then I should back off some. And yet him make the first move and stop chasing him. Yet him be the one to reach out if he wants to see me and try to make it less about sex and see if I could maybe it a little more emotional by getting him to do little things for me like maybe just talking for few minutes but not to bring anything that has happened into it. I’m back of a bit to see what he wants to do and if he really does want to see me. Not just because he doesn’t want to say no to me. I’m going to try to and give it a try.

 

She also thinks I am codependent to some degree. I don’t know how much I agree with her on that but she did make a few good points. Another she wants me to stop seeing my ex-husband. We didn’t get to talk too much about this since we ran out of time. I plan to see her later this week if I can.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie,

Does it occur to you that maybe you've been so crazy about your ex-hubby since your affair was found out because being with him now is "new, fun, and exciting" (to use your words in describing your affair)? You admitted months ago that you were very turned on by your then-hubby when he was acting cool and distant toward your affair. My honest observation is that you seem to need lots of attention and excitement, and I wonder how this kind of "honeymoon feelings" can sustain if you were to get back together.

I agree with the above poster that it might help you longterm if you can be on your own and explore yourself separately for at least another year.

 

I don’t really need that much attention I know it might seem like I do going off my post and thread that I have posted. I really don’t need that much to be happy I like most girls I want to feel special with the guy I am with I don’t think that’s that bad. Now given what’s going I can’t really expect.

 

I wouldn’t say the relationship I have with my husband is new and exciting. It is fun I do enjoy the time we have together I always have. I do get a rush when I’m around but that’s not really new either. I still till this catch butterflies. And I always have been super attractive to him that’s hasn’t changed. A big reason I still want to see him is to comfort and the way he makes me feel when I’m around him things just seem to be easier and everything I’m going through just seem to despair.

 

A big reason why I think I was turned on by the way he was acting then was because he hadn’t shown me that side of him in a while. I think he might have lost that during our marriage.

[violet1]

Sofie,

 

I think you want your exH back so badly that you are losing sight of what's important. Your #1 priority should be keeping a good and healthy co-parenting relationship with him. What if things go bad with the FWB situation and it affects the co-parenting? I think your therapist is right. You need to take a step back. Don't initiate sex with him. Focus on you and your children. I'm a huge supporter of you and I hope one day he does give you a 2nd chance. However, you can't force it.

[JustJoe]

I thought maybe you had changed, but apparently not. It is still all about Sofie's wants and desires. Why don't you do something for somebody else, for a change? Leave your ex alone, you are like a torture device.

[Sofie2013]

everyones life at some point or many points (for most of us) becomes boring and complacent. You attributed your affair to what was missing in your life...not what might be broken inside of you.

 

Well, with that logic...you are doomed to have more affairs. Because everyones life becomes boring, difficult, lonely, etc...etc..etc.

 

It is during those times that we turn to our internal coping mechanisms to guide us through. And yours chose to cheat.

 

So what is different?

 

You are now under stress again...and look at that..you turned to unhealthy coping skills again. So...are you so sure that you don't have any unhealthy internal issues at play?

 

 

 

 

I have always agreed with almost everything you have posted and you are one of my favorite posters. With that said I don’t agree with this it true we all get bored and complacent in life and pretty sure I’m going to feel that way again but that’s doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and have an affair to find what I want . I had a lot of different options I could have chosen to have done but I choose to cheat but that’s doesn’t mean I will do it again. If I very feel like I’m in that position again the last thing I will do is go and have an affair.

 

What’s different now, I now know what I’m capable of doing . I know the kind of selfish person I can be. I never thought I would be a cheater but I was. And I hate that I was that person and I refuse to be that person again and I won’t be.

[Sofie2013]

I thought maybe you had changed, but apparently not. It is still all about Sofie's wants and desires. Why don't you do something for somebody else, for a change? Leave your ex alone, you are like a torture device.

 

That’s what I plan to do. I won’t call or try to contact him anymore. I’m stepping back a bit. If he chooses to see me then he can reach out to me and if he does then I will go he’s done it before. If chooses not to then there really isn’t anything left to discus. I just go move on if that’s the case.