Back again

[Redheaded Mistress]

To me, demanding exclusivity after dating one month, or even suggesting it, would feel like continuing the previous toxic relationship instead of building a new one. It seems like a lot of WS just can't figure out why their partner can't easily rug sweep having their life turned upside down.

 

Sure, some posters here cheated for years and escaped the consequences, but Sofie didn't. I'd feel damn lucky if I treated someone the way Sofie did and they invited me back into their life at all. It would be different if he was being abusive or something, but all he's doing is living the life she created for him. She has a choice, accept what he's offering (which is pretty gracious by all accounts) or kick rocks. Sadly, I guess I'm disappointed that she has no gratitude for what he has offered her, a chance to be in his life again.

 

Making demands after one month of dating anyone, let alone someone who destroyed your family, seems entitled and selfish. Sometimes you gotta lie in the bed you made... Alone.

 

Making demands of him after their relationship something that, I agree, is a bit much. But making demands of herself? That's not unreasonable.

 

She's not happy with what she's got, but more importantly, what she's got has her feeling worse about herself. By reinforcing that what she did is crap, what she put him through is crap, so she should be happy if he deigns to even look her way and grateful for any attention he shows her, even if it means he's treating her in a way that makes her feel crap, that doesn't fix anything. She's already said earlier he doesn't love her, she needs him and he doesn't need her, and this is a FWB situation. The chances of him spontaneously changing his mind and deciding to make it a full-blown relationship with those roots is low. So in the end, she's only prolonging her suffering by having random sex and hoping that one time, his toes will curl in ecstasy so much that he'll say "I was wrong, you're not my f-buddy, you're my future second wife."

 

Most people wouldn't say that a side relationship where you may or may not be used by your partner while they're off with other people is something to be grateful for. If she was an OW and she was describing this as her affair relationship, people would be appalled. And yes, she did have an affair, but she also went through the divorce. At some point, the finger pointing of "you're all that's wrong with the world" has to stop. At some point, that behavior stops being the reason it's OK to yank her around and treat her in a way where she feels bad about herself. She's divorced, she didn't want to be, so she's also living the consequences of her decisions. That doesn't mean she needs to put up with less or put up with feeling like trash in a relationship.

 

She shouldn't demand a commitment out of him, but if she's feeling bad (and she clearly is) and she feels like she's being used (and I think she has reason to feel that way), she certainly can end the arraingement, state why, and say if he wants to try again in a way that's not a reverse of their previous affair dynamic, she's open to it.

 

I feel like people saying she should put up with it, like it, and wait for him to get around to either dumping her or trying for a genuine relationship has less to do with what's healthy for both of them, and more to do with sl*t shaming her and thinking this is some form of karma for a behavior they dislike she did. That she deserves to be punished further and stop being so uppity about it.

 

Because really, take the history out of it, pretend it's a new relationship, new people, no past affair, and no person would say to somebody who just said "my relationship makes me feel like a sl*t, it's a FWB situation, he doesn't love me, I need him more than he needs me, he's seeing other people, I tried to end it already but couldn't stick with it, I put up with it because I hope one day he'll pick me and we'll be exclusive, what do I do?" that they should be grateful he's even looking in her direction and to just love or shut up about it.

 

Even if nobody cares about her or her feelings and feels like she deserves to ask nothing of herself, what about him? Surely he deserves better than to go back to a well he said he wanted nothing to do with and said he's not really invested in.

Edited October 17, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[anne1707]

To me, demanding exclusivity after dating one month, or even suggesting it, would feel like continuing the previous toxic relationship instead of building a new one. It seems like a lot of WS just can't figure out why their partner can't easily rug sweep having their life turned upside down.

 

Sure, some posters here cheated for years and escaped the consequences, but Sofie didn't. I'd feel damn lucky if I treated someone the way Sofie did and they invited me back into their life at all. It would be different if he was being abusive or something, but all he's doing is living the life she created for him. She has a choice, accept what he's offering (which is pretty gracious by all accounts) or kick rocks. Sadly, I guess I'm disappointed that she has no gratitude for what he has offered her, a chance to be in his life again.

 

Making demands after one month of dating anyone, let alone someone who destroyed your family, seems entitled and selfish. Sometimes you gotta lie in the bed you made... Alone.

 

 

I don't think Sofie has rugswept or is after making any demands on her ex at all. Or is your post above an attempt to undermine me?

 

 

Sofie is entitled to have self-respect and that is the key issue here, not about her having a tough time just because she deserves it as far as some are concerned.

[JustJoe]

Sofie, regardless of your past , you have a right to define any relationship you are in. Just like any other human being. BUT......you have NO right to make any demands on your EX whatsoever. So where does that leave you? How about some open communication? Maybe you should try to talk to him and see if you can get a sense of where the R is going, at the same time making no demands on him.?

From your posts, you seem pretty satisfied with the relationship, in general, but want exclusivity. Well, instead of demanding that he give up his other GF's , why not try to increase the amount and quality of the time you two spend together. Perhaps you can increase it enough, and make it better than the other women enough, that it "squeezes out" the other women, to the point that he is willing to give an exclusive R with you another shot.

[NYWoman]

On the other hand, at the least she has her foot in the door. I would have given my right arm to have been in her shoes. Not only did my ex slam the door, he locked and welded it shut. He hardly ever spoke to me again, and then it was always, it is over, we're finished.

He did let me come by a couple of times to visit with our cats. On a visit six weeks after he caught me, I realized, that he had not slept alone. He had screwed another woman in our bed. That is when I understood the pain that I had put him through. That pain takes years to get over. It will be a long time before she will be able to make any demands. As long as she has her foot in the door she still has a shot.

[ComingInHot]

Sofie,

Have you given any thought to the comments made so far? There's been some solid, substantiated advice given.

 

I'm almost D'd. He has finally become a man that will make any woman happy (so long he doesn't tantrum*). I honestly don't think he'll ever cheat again.

 

Thing is, he still is very much in love with me. I love him too. It just doesn't change the past no matter how I have forgiven him. I need space. It seems the closer to D finalization day, the harder he is pressing.

Sofie, I can't stand that! I understand he is dying inside. I know the feeling well. I just need to be away from him. Space. No pressure. On my schedule.

At least he is hanging with you. I think that says a lot.

Don't by his sex toy but do not demand of him. I can see that ending badly for any hope of a second chance.

Be kind to yourself Sofie. Don't count on him to do it for you until he is ready.*

[JustJoe]

On the other hand, at the least she has her foot in the door. I would have given my right arm to have been in her shoes. Not only did my ex slam the door, he locked and welded it shut. He hardly ever spoke to me again, and then it was always, it is over, we're finished.

He did let me come by a couple of times to visit with our cats. On a visit six weeks after he caught me, I realized, that he had not slept alone. He had screwed another woman in our bed. That is when I understood the pain that I had put him through. That pain takes years to get over. It will be a long time before she will be able to make any demands. As long as she has her foot in the door she still has a shot.

This is good advice. You are in a place that many waywards would kill for. Don't blow it by making demands. He already knows that he can live and live well without you. If you try to control who he sees, you will end up on the outside, looking in. If YOU want another chance, then YOU have to make yourself irresistible to him, so that HE makes the decision to be exclusive. So.... be patient, like I said.

[JustJoe]

Sofie,

Have you given any thought to the comments made so far? There's been some solid, substantiated advice given.

 

I'm almost D'd. He has finally become a man that will make any woman happy (so long he doesn't tantrum*). I honestly don't think he'll ever cheat again.

 

Thing is, he still is very much in love with me. I love him too. It just doesn't change the past no matter how I have forgiven him. I need space. It seems the closer to D finalization day, the harder he is pressing.

Sofie, I can't stand that! I understand he is dying inside. I know the feeling well. I just need to be away from him. Space. No pressure. On my schedule.

At least he is hanging with you. I think that says a lot.

Don't by his sex toy but do not demand of him. I can see that ending badly for any hope of a second chance.

Be kind to yourself Sofie. Don't count on him to do it for you until he is ready.*

I agree with this, up to a point. BUT......If he wants you for a sex toy, and you want him back, be the best sex toy .....ever.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I agree with this, up to a point. BUT......If he wants you for a sex toy, and you want him back, be the best sex toy .....ever.

 

People don't marry or have relationships with the one who's defined themselves as just a sex toy. Even a good one.

 

And most people wouldn't want to be taken on for a relationship based simply on their sexual skill.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Omg. Don't lick someone's shoe trying to fix a broken relationship. Move on, date others, be single. If there is a point at which you can come together on equal footing and want to to try again, great. Meantime, don't let anyone hurt you just because they can. I understand being contrite and sorry for your affair but this just seems like he wants to punish you in some weird way. Wants to have control. That is no more healthy than the affair. I hope you find resolution soon as it just seems there is only hurting and no healing going on.

 

 

Why do some feel that the actions of a BS are more deliberate or thought-out than those of WS or AP?

 

Her XH was deeply hurt....he too is still trying to navigate this new life that was thrown at him. Why are BS held to a higher understanding of self or motivations than WS or AP? Why are they not allowed the same idk wtf I am doing? Why are the XH actions deemed controlling and OP are in the name of love?

 

Focusing on the intent of your XH doesn't solve your issue. He is acting/behaving from a place of hurt....something you already know. He is not in a position that allows himself to be vulnerable....especially to you....right now.

 

Instead...focus on yourself. It is clear that this new relationship dynamic triggers negative views of yourself. Which is understandable. It hits a little too close to what destroyed your family.

 

There is nothing wrong....heck some might even say it is healthy...to expect more of/for yourself.

 

Reclaiming ones self respect after being a WS is very important. It is not something that anyone else can do/give. And if it means that you have to let go of the sexual aspect of the relationship you currently have with your XH..then maybe that is what you need to do....for YOU. Protecting your integrity and self respect SHOULD be your highest priority for self.

 

PS...good to hear from you Sophie.

[Sub]

Without getting into too much detail, how is the sex? And I'm not trying to be crass here. You said you're feeling "cheap" about it. But is it the way he's treating you while you're together, or just the fact that he's also seeing other women besides you? If it's the latter, I think you need to find it in yourself to know that no matter who he sleeps with - or how many other people he sleeps with - you'll always be the mother of his children, his former partner in life, etc. For those reasons alone, I can't see you ever being "cheap" to him. I agree with others that you can't expect any sort of exclusivity. That doesn't mean you don't still hold a unique place in his life/heart, though.

[JustJoe]

People don't marry or have relationships with the one who's defined themselves as just a sex toy. Even a good one.

 

And most people wouldn't want to be taken on for a relationship based simply on their sexual skill.

I agree, but Sofie is a former cheater, so she has to make the extra effort. The other alternative is that she demand him to stop seeing other people, and it is way too early for that, if ever. The only way she is going to get him to be exclusive is if she does EVERYTHING better than the other women, so HE will make the choice to be exclusive, because Sofie is meeting ALL of his needs.

[JustJoe]

Why do some feel that the actions of a BS are more deliberate or thought-out than those of WS or AP?

 

Her XH was deeply hurt....he too is still trying to navigate this new life that was thrown at him. Why are BS held to a higher understanding of self or motivations than WS or AP? Why are they not allowed the same idk wtf I am doing? Why are the XH actions deemed controlling and OP are in the name of love?

 

Focusing on the intent of your XH doesn't solve your issue. He is acting/behaving from a place of hurt....something you already know. He is not in a position that allows himself to be vulnerable....especially to you....right now.

 

Instead...focus on yourself. It is clear that this new relationship dynamic triggers negative views of yourself. Which is understandable. It hits a little too close to what destroyed your family.

 

There is nothing wrong....heck some might even say it is healthy...to expect more of/for yourself.

 

Reclaiming ones self respect after being a WS is very important. It is not something that anyone else can do/give. And if it means that you have to let go of the sexual aspect of the relationship you currently have with your XH..then maybe that is what you need to do....for YOU. Protecting your integrity and self respect SHOULD be your highest priority for self.

 

PS...good to hear from you Sophie.

I agree with this, in principle, but we have to give advice according to the wishes of the OP. Sofie clearly wants a relationship with her EX, and is enjoying the sexual aspect of that relationship. Her issue is exclusivity, and how to achieve it.

[JustJoe]

Without getting into too much detail, how is the sex? And I'm not trying to be crass here. You said you're feeling "cheap" about it. But is it the way he's treating you while you're together, or just the fact that he's also seeing other women besides you? If it's the latter, I think you need to find it in yourself to know that no matter who he sleeps with - or how many other people he sleeps with - you'll always be the mother of his children, his former partner in life, etc. For those reasons alone, I can't see you ever being "cheap" to him. I agree with others that you can't expect any sort of exclusivity. That doesn't mean you don't still hold a unique place in his life/heart, though.

Agreed. Sofie already has a "leg up" on the other women, by virtue of her former relationship with him. Sofie , knows him much better than the other women, and probably is far more knowledgable about his sexual/emotional needs. this gives her a HUGE advantage.

[Sub]

The only way she is going to get him to be exclusive is if she does EVERYTHING better than the other women, so HE will make the choice to be exclusive, because Sofie is meeting ALL of his needs.

 

That's tricky. He may just want to know that Sofie is the woman she was when he fell in love with her, or married her. I understand that she needs to earn his trust back. But if she has to start looking it as a competition in regards to all of his needs, will she be that woman?

[Redheaded Mistress]

I agree, but Sofie is a former cheater, so she has to make the extra effort. The other alternative is that she demand him to stop seeing other people, and it is way too early for that, if ever. The only way she is going to get him to be exclusive is if she does EVERYTHING better than the other women, so HE will make the choice to be exclusive, because Sofie is meeting ALL of his needs.

 

The other alternative is that she says that it's hurting her self-respect to keep going on the path they are and if they're going to try and do this over, they're going to do it in a way where both people aren't miserable... And when he's ready to do that, he can come find her.

 

Doing everything better than the other women is only a head game that will make her crazy because comparing yourself to faceless others to be "better than them is pointless... You'll always lose and you'll be paranoid about failure... And it's something he won't notice. He'll still plant his flag elsewhere, he may even say "she's not as good as you," but he'll still go.

 

Then her feelings, all she put up with, the hit to her pride and not moving on, it was for nothing but a bed-buddy that never wanted a relationship in the first place. Better to say you want a relationship and to have him come back when he does too than be the sole player in an invisible contest of losing.

 

Wouldn't you be horrified if somebody here told a BS who wanted to reconcile with a wayward who maybe didn't that what they need to do is just be a better lay than the other person their wayward is with?

Edited October 17, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[DKT3]

Listen, they aren't on equal footing as one has said here. Her actions created this dynamic. Its been her choice to engage in NSA sex with the ex. The thing is there is no commitment here, so she shouldn't expect him to not date others. She is free to do the same.

 

However, it would likely hurt what she wants in the end game.

 

We all f--k up in relationships, but you don't f--k up them make demands on the hurt partner. I think that attitude is telling. In my opinion it show someone to be selfish at heart.

 

We were in this same position not so long ago, and I tell with 100% assurance I would have walked away for good had she placed demands on me a month after we started the FWB kinda thing. Because it shows no movement in the selfish attitude that lead to her affair. Its ok that she dated and slept with another man while married, but to think she could limit me in divorce. REALLY?

[Striver]

Sofie may or may not be in a position to make demands of her ex. However she is still perfectly entitled to be in a healthy relationship and to be respected by whoever she is in a relationship with, just exactly as her ex is. If this relationship is not working then I fail to see how the advice she has been given is so bad, unless people just want to see her continue to suffer.

 

What Sofie has with her xH is not exactly an even steven relationship. They are not just starting dating, like her xH is with the other women. They are not in a mutually respectful LTR. Sofie threw that away.

 

If Sofie wants an R with her xH she needs to be prepared to be humble and to be the giver in that R for a long time to come. They have a history that can't be undone. If she wants a mutually respectful relationship she should probably forget about xH and find someone new. I don't think she wants to do that.

 

There are ways to do what Sofie needs to do with her xH and still maintain a degree of dignity. Despite the pain, Sofie knows her xH in ways these other women don't. She has motive to be extra giving in ways these other women probably can't muster. The current dynamic is not going to last anyway, and Sofie is going to need to play a long game if she wants to go down this road.

[Redheaded Mistress]

We were in this same position not so long ago, and I tell with 100% assurance I would have walked away for good had she placed demands on me a month after we started the FWB kinda thing. Because it shows no movement in the selfish attitude that lead to her affair. Its ok that she dated and slept with another man while married, but to think she could limit me in divorce. REALLY?

 

Saying she wants out, something she's tried to do already, because she can't take the dynamic as it is now doesn't demand he change himself. She's not saying he has to dump the other women, only she can't be another other woman, even if it is with the ex, because it makes her unhappy... If he wants to do something that's more comfortable to her, she's open to it, but she's not open to this as it is.

 

At this point, they are on equal footing. She's paid her price, so has he. As a result of what she did, they've both got a life they don't want. They're divorced, owe each other nothing. They're divorced, the marriage is over. If he's still holding such resentment over the affair that he thinks her saying she can't do a FWB relationship with somebody she hopes for more with and it hurts her too much and makes her feel too awful about herself is somehow a demand on him, they shouldn't be in a relationship anyway... He pretty much is saying outright that he isn't on the path to the type of relationship she wants, so the arraignment wastes both of their time and hurts both of them. He's saying the taint of before is why he can't do anything with commitment with her. She needs to know that since she wants more.

 

And there's nothing selfish about "this is the dynamic that ruined everything before, there's no reason to think it won't have the same result this time, I can't do that anymore." That's somebody who says that they screwed up, it was miserable, they have no desire to repeat it.

 

I bet even you would admit that the FWB arraignment worked for you, you'd have left if she'd demanded exclusiveness, but even not doing that, you weren't exactly driven to stay and commit either.

 

Keep in mind, I'm not saying he's wrong to say that he doesn't want to commit to her or that he owes her something. He has every right and say "pound sand" and not be over it. But she has every right to know that's how he feels, not left in an unmade bed after having sex and feeling her self respect die away, wondering if it was worth it because he'll change his mind at some point.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree with this, in principle, but we have to give advice according to the wishes of the OP. Sofie clearly wants a relationship with her EX, and is enjoying the sexual aspect of that relationship. Her issue is exclusivity, and how to achieve it.

 

 

The way I read Sophie's post was that she was not enjoying how it made her view/feel about herself afterwards. And afterwards last a lot longer than the time they spend having sex.

 

Wanting a relationship with her XH is secondary to the cost of self. If Sophie continues to erode her integrity, self respect and view of herself she will be putting her long-term relationship with herself and others at greater risk.

 

There is no...XH is right therefore Sophie is wrong or Sophie is right therefore XH is a douche.

 

There is only two people who are both hurting/healing from different emotional trauma.

 

What one requires to heal from having the knife in their back is very different from what the one who wielded the knife requires to heal.

[Sofie2013]

Ok thanks for all the comments. I have read them all and I’m more confused on then before. I have no idea what I’m going to now. Part feels like maybe I should be grateful he even wants to talk to me let alone still see me. I knowing how much how pain and how much I have hurt I know I should. And I’m grateful I just hate what it does to me. I used to be his number one and alone one. Now I don’t even know if I’m his second, third or even forth. I don’t what I’m done anymore. Maybe I should just give it more time to see what happens it’s only been going on for a few months.

 

I also don’t plan on making him choose between me and other women his seeing. I never planned on demanding make a choice either. I know that would put stop to any chance I have of ever getting him back. As for making myself less available since I broke it off the first time he’s only really asked to see me once all the other times where me asking him.

 

Those who compared my current station it to an affair. I never thought about like that but it kind of does feel like that at times. It might be a little more intense then my affair ever was the feeling I get when I’m around him is indescribable but when I leave him I fall so much harder knowing he’s going to share that with someone else kills me. Then I start to wonder if their prettier, better, younger. It makes me feels worthless.

 

Thanks again for all the comments they do help

[Blackknight]

Hello sophie,

I found a lot of the comments revolting in this thread. People who love to take delight in reminding others they have fallen. I haven't read your story but it appears you cheated, were caught and then divorced. All this talk about you not deserving to make demands and your exhuband healing is bitter vengence. When your husband ended the marriage it was no longer your responsibility to be there for him. He is in charge of his own action and just because you cheated doesn't mean you have to continue you to sell your self worth. If you don't want to be a notch on a bed post. Don't be. Be a strong woman who doesn't bend over and take it just to desperately try to get back someone who is at this point only using you to "reclaim his manhood", "keep you on th hook", fix his problems in an unhealthy way. You may in fact be hindering his healing as well playing this little game.

 

You have every right in the world to make demands. You are an equal human being to your husband. And by demands I mean setting boundaries. Being honest and telling him you are not cut out to be in an nonexclusive relationship. People will want to keep you in the dirt kissing your ex's feet and tell you, you thew exclusitivity out the window when you cheated. And they are right. And you know what your then H did? He divorced you and said inclusive relationships were not for him. I realize fully there was lies and betrayals involved as well. But that wouldn't make accepting lies and betrayals from him okay so why is it okay to accept this when it is clearly bothering you? Like someone said it isn't about right or wrong it is about you looking after yourself, being honest and setting boundaries. Things you have EVERY right to do.

 

No one should be so desperate for someone else that they sacrifice their self worth. I should know this because unlike you I am still in the dirt. But i doesn't mean I can't encourage other people to be proud and tall.

 

One last thing, others are suggesting a story for you to read. I wouldn't pattern my life after that couple. Being a depository for 5 years is not healthy. It isn't a route I would recommend anyone to take. It smacks of desperation for a woman and a man who has supreme arrogence and not someone I would ever encourage anyone to be in a relationship with.

[Sofie2013]

Without getting into too much detail, how is the sex? And I'm not trying to be crass here. You said you're feeling "cheap" about it. But is it the way he's treating you while you're together, or just the fact that he's also seeing other women besides you? If it's the latter, I think you need to find it in yourself to know that no matter who he sleeps with - or how many other people he sleeps with - you'll always be the mother of his children, his former partner in life, etc. For those reasons alone, I can't see you ever being "cheap" to him. I agree with others that you can't expect any sort of exclusivity. That doesn't mean you don't still hold a unique place in his life/heart, though.

 

 

The time we spend together is great and the sex has always been amazing. We have always had great sexual chemistry. He still treats me great when we are together. The fact that he is seeing other does bother me a lot. I do feel like he does treat us differently although that’s where the feeling of being cheap or worthless really comes in. With the other women I know he tries to pull all of the stops and ‘m lucky to get a cup of coffee. What make it worse is hearing about the place he takes them to by your friends. But I don’t really blame him now that I think about. I kind made myself to easy and willing he doesn’t really need to put the effort in with me compared to the other ones he’s seeing.

 

Now I feel like Sh*t .

[Blackknight]

The time we spend together is great and the sex has always been amazing. We have always had great sexual chemistry. He still treats me great when we are together. The fact that he is seeing other does bother me a lot. I do feel like he does treat us differently although that’s where the feeling of being cheap or worthless really comes in. With the other women I know he tries to pull all of the stops and ‘m lucky to get a cup of coffee. What make it worse is hearing about the place he takes them to by your friends. But I don’t really blame him now that I think about. I kind made myself to easy and willing he doesn’t really need to put the effort in with me compared to the other ones he’s seeing.

 

Now I feel like Sh*t .

I think you should risk losing him and be honest and tell him how it feels. Remember how you didn't associate your affair to the effect it would have on the children. Right now he doesn't see that by using you as a sex toy he is harming your self esteem which effects his children. But unless you tell him how it makes you feel he will have no idea. I know you are afraid of losing him for good. But your self esteem is far more important than having him in your life.

[beach]

Any situation such as this I have to ask myself "how do I feel?" And "how am I participating?"

 

If the way I am participating causes ME to feel "less than" I realize that I have to adjust the way I participate.

 

I do contrary action (opposite action) in order to get a different result.

 

Opposite action will automatically give me a different outcome and balance out how I feel about myself based on how I participate.

 

 

You could try it...

[DKT3]

Ok thanks for all the comments. I have read them all and I’m more confused on then before. I have no idea what I’m going to now. Part feels like maybe I should be grateful he even wants to talk to me let alone still see me. I knowing how much how pain and how much I have hurt I know I should. And I’m grateful I just hate what it does to me. I used to be his number one and alone one. Now I don’t even know if I’m his second, third or even forth. I don’t what I’m done anymore. Maybe I should just give it more time to see what happens it’s only been going on for a few months.

 

I also don’t plan on making him choose between me and other women his seeing. I never planned on demanding make a choice either. I know that would put stop to any chance I have of ever getting him back. As for making myself less available since I broke it off the first time he’s only really asked to see me once all the other times where me asking him.

 

Those who compared my current station it to an affair. I never thought about like that but it kind of does feel like that at times. It might be a little more intense then my affair ever was the feeling I get when I’m around him is indescribable but when I leave him I fall so much harder knowing he’s going to share that with someone else kills me. Then I start to wonder if their prettier, better, younger. It makes me feels worthless.

 

Thanks again for all the comments they do help

 

I'm not trying to dump on you here but that feeling is what he felt x 10 when OM picked up your phone in your hotel room in the early morning hours.

 

I think most of the posters are missing your point and making this about him using you for sex. Which I'm getting from you isn't the issue, but its feeling like he is making so much more effort with these other women. I get that, I was your ex husband.

 

Here is the thing, (about to upset some folks) you can listen to those who has shared in the same self centered selfishness as you that lead to you being in this position and you will lose him forever. Is that what you want? Or you can give him time to feel comfortable with giving you more at his pace. There is a large amount of both fear and risk here on his part. Those who have been unfaithful I don't think really get that. Flat out, he is scared of you. He wants to be close or he wouldn't be doing this. Yet the other women are protection, a way to keep him from over investing in you at this point.

 

He will run hot and cold. Hot in times when how much he loves you overshadows what you've done. Cold when its the first thing he thinks of when he sees you.

 

There is a chance you could lose him to another woman, again BTDT. Its a gamble, you can invest in him and end up with nothing.

 

In my opinion, its best to remain present in his life. Work on yourself being the best YOU and mother you can. In that he will see the women he fell in love with and not the one that ripped his heart out. Start being selfish and demanding and he will see the wayward side that ended the marriage. There is a time and place for that, he isn't there yet.