Back again

[Akheron]

Of all the posts I have read on LS, I feel that your story is the most heartbreaking for me. I have read all of your threads from beginning to end, and I feel that of all the WS that post here, you actually get it. I in no way condone your affair, but I feel that you are truly remorseful and have learned a hard lesson, one that you will continue to learn from for years to come. Of all the relationships that I've read about, yours is the only one that I will give a standing ovation to if you indeed do reconcile with your husband. I wish you the best in whatever your future holds.

[sidney2718]

I hope everyone had a happy Thanks giving. Mine was pretty good a spent it with my whole family and my kids. The only bad part was my ex wasn’t with us. It kind of bothered me to whole day and rest of the week. It hurt knowing he was probably by himself during the holiday when he could have and should have been with us. It just made me feel really guilty and I started thinking about all the pain that’s I’ve caused. When we married I became part of my family it was something I was able to give him. That was something I gave him and I took that from him. It was one of the hundreds of thing I have taken from him without thinking about. I hate myself for what I did to him.

 

Sophie, things WILL get better. I wish I could tell you how long it will take, but I can't.

 

I gave you bad advice and I feel awful about that. I was sure he'd come around and take you back. He didn't. I'm sorry.

 

And now I think that you have to start putting things behind you. And I hope that's not bad advice.

 

Best of luck to you!

[lovinDKT3]

Sophie, things WILL get better. I wish I could tell you how long it will take, but I can't.

 

I gave you bad advice and I feel awful about that. I was sure he'd come around and take you back. He didn't. I'm sorry.

 

And now I think that you have to start putting things behind you. And I hope that's not bad advice.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Sometimes you have to just let go. Its sooo hard, I just couldn't let go I wants so much to make it better. I knew I could. In the process I just continued to hurt him, he wanted out, he divorced me but would still talk my calls. Then one day he told me "lovin if you care for me you have to let me go, I can't keep doing this I have to move on" its making me cry just thinking about that call, which was also the last conversation we had for a year and a half that wasn't about the kids.

 

Maybe its time to let go and give him space.

 

Hugs

[drifter777]

Do you know where your eX was? Why do you assume he wanted to be anywhere other then wherever he was for the holiday?

[Selfish]

Do you know where your eX was? Why do you assume he wanted to be anywhere other then wherever he was for the holiday?

This is a very unkind post. You seem to be on a roll of attacking people.

 

I would assume that her ex would have preferred being at home, with his family and children and a faithful wife rather than wherever he is.

 

Of course I assume he actually used to love his wife. And that he still loves his children and on a family orientated holiday would have preferred being there.

 

I don't think Sophie was talking about him wanting to be there as things were right now. She meant, she felt the sting and reminder of what she did to her husband and her family.

 

Don't be so unkind. You might find yourself a happier soul.

[drifter777]

This is a very unkind post. You seem to be on a roll of attacking people.

 

I would assume that her ex would have preferred being at home, with his family and children and a faithful wife rather than wherever he is.

 

Of course I assume he actually used to love his wife. And that he still loves his children and on a family orientated holiday would have preferred being there.

 

I don't think Sophie was talking about him wanting to be there as things were right now. She meant, she felt the sting and reminder of what she did to her husband and her family.

 

Don't be so unkind. You might find yourself a happier soul.

I couldn't be happier - thank you! And my questions are in no way an attack - I've been telling Sophie to accept reality and move forward with her life since the divorce.

 

Look - Sophie's husband busted her when her AP picked up the phone in her hotel room. Other then walking in on them in bed, this has to be one of the most devastating, traumatic ways to find out your wife is having an affair. My sympathy is for him and my hope is that HE is recovering from her betrayal. Her husband faced reality as he saw it and ended the marriage. It would be good if Sophie quit trying to undo what she did and moved forward with her life.

Edited December 2, 2014 by drifter777

[Selfish]

I couldn't be happier - thank you! And my questions are in no way an attack - I've been telling Sophie to accept reality and move forward with her life since the divorce.

 

Look - Sophie's husband busted her when her AP picked up the phone in her hotel room. Other then walking in on them in bed, this has to be one of the most devastating, traumatic ways to find out your wife is having an affair. My sympathy is for him and my hope is that HE is recovering from her betrayal. Her husband faced reality as he saw it and ended the marriage. It would be good if Sophie quit trying to undo what she did and move forward with her life.

that wasn't my point. I agree with you. I just don't see the point of your post. It was unkind. Short and cynical. And for someone that is happy you really post like you are unhappy with your life, your wife, and choice to stay married. But maybe being miserable is what makes you happy? I mean we are all different right? Sorry for reading your posts wrong. I'm glad you are happy. Everyone should find happiness.

[drifter777]

that wasn't my point. I agree with you. I just don't see the point of your post. It was unkind. Short and cynical. And for someone that is happy you really post like you are unhappy with your life, your wife, and choice to stay married. But maybe being miserable is what makes you happy? I mean we are all different right? Sorry for reading your posts wrong. I'm glad you are happy. Everyone should find happiness.

I write the same way I talk. I'm painfully blunt and I will often say things for effect. And the effect I'm usually looking for is "back to reality". You read my post perfectly. By asking those two questions I'm telling Sophie to stop focusing on her X and get on with her life. Because sometimes blowing smoke up someone's butt isn't helpful.

[happyman64]

I hope everyone had a happy Thanks giving. Mine was pretty good a spent it with my whole family and my kids. The only bad part was my ex wasn’t with us. It kind of bothered me to whole day and rest of the week. It hurt knowing he was probably by himself during the holiday when he could have and should have been with us. It just made me feel really guilty and I started thinking about all the pain that’s I’ve caused. When we married I became part of my family it was something I was able to give him. That was something I gave him and I took that from him. It was one of the hundreds of thing I have taken from him without thinking about. I hate myself for what I did to him.

 

Talk about it with your counselor.

 

Have you told your Ex you are sorry lately?

 

And everyone is right. You have to start over.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie,

 

 

I don't know your relationship with your husband, but would it be so impossible to talk to him honestly about how you feel. Could you say something along the lines of, "Listen, I know that you know I still love you and I know that my love may not be welcome. I'm also guessing that you're not in a place right now to think about a future for us. I get that and I respect that. But, to be honest, being physically close to you is really too hard on me. I do love you and I want to be intimate with you - desperately and a lot (little smile here). But, I also know that it may set me up for too much hurt. I think that what I want you really can't give me. I may have forever lost my chance for that. But, I'd like you to think about if you ever could. And if you could, don't bother to call me, mister, just get your butt over here. In the meantime, let's be really good friends and awesome parents. It's going to kill me to see you date, but it will destroy me to see you date someone else while being intimate with me. And ultimately, just like I killed your feelings for me, you dating while being intimate with me will end up destroying my feelings for you. So, for the time being, can we just look and not touch? And if you ever want to date me, will you give me a call?"

 

 

I think this is an honest, non-threatening way to let him know the door is open for him if he wants to date you openly and honestly. But, that the FWB just isn't enough. I'll let other posters chime in, but I think what I'm suggesting is a healthy way to start setting some boundaries in your new relationship with him. You two are still navigating around each other. He's going to look to set ground rules as much as you are. You guys will figure this out. But, it takes this hard work and awkward conversations to get there.

 

 

Best of luck, GG

 

I should have given an update on the relationship I have with my ex sine it’s changed. The last time we meet we had a similar talk about the relationship we had then he was the one who brought it up. He asked me straight up if I was ok with this kind of relationship at first I tried to play it off like yeah its fine with me. But he realized I wasn’t being completely honest with him. He asked me to how I really felt so I told him. After I told how I was really feeling and everything I was thinking about. After we had a real good open and honest talk about everything the relationship, if we ever had a chance of being together again and our marriage as a whole. He told he wasn’t looking for anything serious and wasn’t planning on ever being in a serious relationship again and he was only trying to enjoy his life. When it came to us ever being together again he said he didn’t think it would ever happen but he didn’t know what future holds for him or me and one day it could happen but I should try to move on. We kind ended the relationship on that note and decided to just been friends and nothing more, we’ve gotten to be really good friends. I do still want more but I am being to understand it just won’t happen.

[Sofie2013]

You need to find a way to forgive yourself.

 

I can understand his choice, but at some point he needs to forgive you too.

 

 

I have to find a way to forgive myself it just isn’t that easy. As far as my ex-husband goes I think he already had forgiven me for what I did to him. I know what I did hurt him a great deal more than any one has but I feel like he has already let go of all that and just wants to enjoy his life on his own.

[jm2013]

I should have given an update on the relationship I have with my ex sine it’s changed. The last time we meet we had a similar talk about the relationship we had then he was the one who brought it up. He asked me straight up if I was ok with this kind of relationship at first I tried to play it off like yeah its fine with me. But he realized I wasn’t being completely honest with him. He asked me to how I really felt so I told him. After I told how I was really feeling and everything I was thinking about. After we had a real good open and honest talk about everything the relationship, if we ever had a chance of being together again and our marriage as a whole. He told he wasn’t looking for anything serious and wasn’t planning on ever being in a serious relationship again and he was only trying to enjoy his life. When it came to us ever being together again he said he didn’t think it would ever happen but he didn’t know what future holds for him or me and one day it could happen but I should try to move on. We kind ended the relationship on that note and decided to just been friends and nothing more, we’ve gotten to be really good friends. I do still want more but I am being to understand it just won’t happen.

 

What does this mean? Like a friends with benefits type situation? Do you still talk outside the scope of your children together? Maybe you're living a DK3 situation. Maybe your husband will always be coming back to you for sex and companionship while exploring other women. Maybe he won't be able to find the right one. Perhaps the light bulb may eventually click on that he still loves and wants you. Maybe at that point enough time will have passed to really put the past in the past and be able to move on together again in some sort of true happiness together.

[Buckeye2]

I know what I did hurt him a great deal more than any one has but I feel like he has already let go of all that and just wants to enjoy his life on his own.

 

I can understand your husband’s position. He has his sons and doesn’t care to have any more children. So why take the risk of going all in on another relationship.

 

In a way this is good news. As people get older companionship and shared memories become more and more important. It may be years from now but I can see a day when get back together.

[stillafool]

I hope everyone had a happy Thanks giving. Mine was pretty good a spent it with my whole family and my kids. The only bad part was my ex wasn’t with us. It kind of bothered me to whole day and rest of the week. It hurt knowing he was probably by himself during the holiday when he could have and should have been with us. It just made me feel really guilty and I started thinking about all the pain that’s I’ve caused. When we married I became part of my family it was something I was able to give him. That was something I gave him and I took that from him. It was one of the hundreds of thing I have taken from him without thinking about. I hate myself for what I did to him.

 

Sophie, how do you know he spent Thanksgiving alone? Did he tell you this?

[NateGrey]

that wasn't my point. I agree with you. I just don't see the point of your post. It was unkind. Short and cynical. And for someone that is happy you really post like you are unhappy with your life, your wife, and choice to stay married. But maybe being miserable is what makes you happy? I mean we are all different right? Sorry for reading your posts wrong. I'm glad you are happy. Everyone should find happiness.

 

You seem to be reading too much into things. The post was short, yes, but cynical? He asked if he knew where her ex was and why she would assume he would rather be anywhere other then where he was. It is a legitimate question.

 

It is easy to assume "He'd rather be with his family and his faithful wife" but after all that has seemingly happened..maybe he really wouldn't? Would that be so bad? This won't be the last Thanksgiving in history, and he can spend it with his kids next year if it really bothered him so much. Would he be a bad person or something, if he truly WAS where he wanted to be? I don't think it would suggest he hates his family or doesn't want to spend time with his kids. It would suggest this is a man who has a gone through a lot in the past few years and maybe he did not want a reminder of everyone he had stripped away from him? Maybe being around his family this year would of been painful for him? We don't know because he isn't here.

[Sofie2013]

What does this mean? Like a friends with benefits type situation? Do you still talk outside the scope of your children together? Maybe you're living a DK3 situation. Maybe your husband will always be coming back to you for sex and companionship while exploring other women. Maybe he won't be able to find the right one. Perhaps the light bulb may eventually click on that he still loves and wants you. Maybe at that point enough time will have passed to really put the past in the past and be able to move on together again in some sort of true happiness together.

 

 

No just regular friends nothing more than that. We still talk a lot sometimes it’s about the kids but most of the times it’s about things that are going on in our lives or just anything I am texting him right now actually . We also hang out with other friends. I don’t really know what he’s going when it comes to dating thing and try not to think about it. I am most trying to rebuild my life and working on moving on.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, how do you know he spent Thanksgiving alone? Did he tell you this?

 

He didn’t tell me but he did tell the kids when they called him. My brother who is like my ex-husband best friend also told he was home watching football game with his brother and he’s going to meet them later.

[Selfish]

You seem to be reading too much into things. The post was short, yes, but cynical? He asked if he knew where her ex was and why she would assume he would rather be anywhere other then where he was. It is a legitimate question.

 

It is easy to assume "He'd rather be with his family and his faithful wife" but after all that has seemingly happened..maybe he really wouldn't? Would that be so bad? This won't be the last Thanksgiving in history, and he can spend it with his kids next year if it really bothered him so much. Would he be a bad person or something, if he truly WAS where he wanted to be? I don't think it would suggest he hates his family or doesn't want to spend time with his kids. It would suggest this is a man who has a gone through a lot in the past few years and maybe he did not want a reminder of everyone he had stripped away from him? Maybe being around his family this year would of been painful for him? We don't know because he isn't here.

 

Actually a man who would rather be single than sitting with a faithful wife and his little boys would not be a person of great character. The post was unkind because it purposefully poked the OP and didn't look at what she actually was saying. It was that she felt the guilt and reminder that the reason their family wasn't together was because of what she did. His post came across as just an attempt to kick her. It had nothing to do with encouraging her to move on.

[Striver]

No just regular friends nothing more than that. We still talk a lot sometimes it’s about the kids but most of the times it’s about things that are going on in our lives or just anything I am texting him right now actually . We also hang out with other friends. I don’t really know what he’s going when it comes to dating thing and try not to think about it. I am most trying to rebuild my life and working on moving on.

 

This is one thing you should be thankful for. For a lot of us, there is no chance of friendship with the ex. When we have children with them, that's not much fun.

[sidney2718]

I'm a newbie who was lurking on the Dating thread when I came across Sophie's story....to me, Sophie's anguish is heartbreaking to read, sometimes I even wish/hope Sophie2013 might be an impostor and the whole thing could be a bad joke....I can almost visualize the beautiful Sophie, the strong but heartbroken ex-husband, the innocent twins who probably still don't know how their world slowly turned upside down...this is an EPIC tragedy, and to be part of it in slow-motion as a reader is even more horrible. My thoughts and sympathies though lie firmly with the devastated ex-husband whose voice we will never hear on this forum. That poor man did everything right: rose above his early challenges, married a lovely woman and had wonderful kids, worked his back off for his family, trying to get to Partner so family could earn more AND he would get to spend more time with them (Partner work is hard but less grinding than Associates)....only to watch Sophie thoughtlessly, mercilessly and viciously raze it all to the ground for a romp in a bed with a worthless jerk....

 

Maybe that is what differentiates this story and so difficult to ignore: that someone like Sophie who is so beautiful (I presume), noble, cultured, kind-hearted and compassionate to everyone, can simultaneously be so cruel, heartless and vicious to her own young family...

 

Or maybe it impacts me more because I am a young driven man who has tried to play it by the rules like Sophie's ex: studied hard, earned scholarships, respect people, work really hard....and maybe I realize that the beautiful girl I'm happily dating right now could one fine day, very well be my Sophie2013....and I could end up like her devastated ex. A truly sobering thought. What should we do to not end up like Sophie and her family? Reinforce vows when things inevitably get rough? Have date-nights no matter what? Any fool-proof formula to avoid what Sophie went through, or am I just clutching at straws in the wind? Could this really happen to anybody and there's no way to prevent it?

 

There are NO guarantees. None.

 

My best advice is to work at communication. Be open with each other so that resentment doesn't have a chance to build up. Be sensitive to the way she reacts to situations and the way she reacts to you.

 

Beyond that, as I said, there are no guarantees.

[sidney2718]

I should have given an update on the relationship I have with my ex sine it’s changed. The last time we meet we had a similar talk about the relationship we had then he was the one who brought it up. He asked me straight up if I was ok with this kind of relationship at first I tried to play it off like yeah its fine with me. But he realized I wasn’t being completely honest with him. He asked me to how I really felt so I told him. After I told how I was really feeling and everything I was thinking about. After we had a real good open and honest talk about everything the relationship, if we ever had a chance of being together again and our marriage as a whole. He told he wasn’t looking for anything serious and wasn’t planning on ever being in a serious relationship again and he was only trying to enjoy his life. When it came to us ever being together again he said he didn’t think it would ever happen but he didn’t know what future holds for him or me and one day it could happen but I should try to move on. We kind ended the relationship on that note and decided to just been friends and nothing more, we’ve gotten to be really good friends. I do still want more but I am being to understand it just won’t happen.

 

Be friends. Be there for him like a good friend would be. And try to move on as best you can. You never know what could happen.

[drifter777]

Actually a man who would rather be single than sitting with a faithful wife and his little boys would not be a person of great character.

Huh? Sophie's husband doesn't have a faithful wife.

The post was unkind because it purposefully poked the OP and didn't look at what she actually was saying. It was that she felt the guilt and reminder that the reason their family wasn't together was because of what she did. His post came across as just an attempt to kick her. It had nothing to do with encouraging her to move on.

Again, you read my post correctly. I'm "poking" Sophie because I'd love to see her end the pity-party she's been throwing for herself for the last year or so and get involved with real life. And, like I said, continuing to blow smoke up her butt is not going to help her accept reality and move forward.

[Selfish]

Huh? Sophie's husband doesn't have a faithful wife.

Again, you read my post correctly. I'm "poking" Sophie because I'd love to see her end the pity-party she's been throwing for herself for the last year or so and get involved with real life. And, like I said, continuing to blow smoke up her butt is not going to help her accept reality and move forward.

 

Sophie's post was a reflection of the fact her husband should be at home with a faithful wife and his children on a family centred holiday. That bothered her because the reality was he couldn't be. You and the other poster come along and give her a good kick and say "how do you know he would of rather been there". And I would say any man worth his salt given the choice between a holiday with a faithful wife and his children or one alone would choose the first. So of course sophie knows he probably would rather of been with his family... if she hadn't cheated. And therefore. she was reminded of how destructive her actions were and was upset. at herself.

 

I do believe Sophie does need to move on which she is now doing. But I think that no one here would normally suggest a wayward not to feel any remorse on a family holiday when they are reminded of what they lost. Specially only a year later. Her dismissing this would have been a far worse attitude to have.

 

NO, you were merely getting a jab in. Or you completely took her post the wrong way.

 

Or you are just unkind and could care less about her.

[2.50 a gallon]

"accept reality and move forward"

 

For most of us it is not that easy. Reality was I caught my Ex cheating, and immediately kicked her to the curb and walked out of her life.

At one time she was the love of my life, and yes to the outside world I gave the appearance that I no longer loved her and was moving on in life. But deep inside, even though for the first few years I hated her, some of that original love was still there.

For the first few years, Christmas was especially hard on me. Even though I was deep into the dating scene and had a new squeeze to share a new Christmas with, in many ways it was hollow, as there was a part of me, that still missed my Ex. It was not a pity party, I just missed spending the holidays with her. And it was not just Christmas, there were often times, when out of the blue, something would trigger me, and the sadness of the loss would once again come over me.

It is part of being human.

[2.50 a gallon]

wallstreeter

 

 

As S2718 posted there are no guarantees.

 

 

Alas with the passage of time, we all change. Especially when we reach our 30's and 40's and we wake up morning and realize that we are no longer young.

Reading your post, one red flag jumped out at me, and that is how driven you are towards success. Too many times I have read how some guy is working his tail off, 60 plus hours a week, thinking he is providing the best for his wife and family. And then to suddenly get the "I Love You, but I'm Not In Love With You" speech. i.e. his wife has fallen totally out of love with him.

That happened to my best friend. He is worth in the millions. I was best man at their wedding. They had two boys, and when they left the nest so did she. The crux of it was that she had told him for years that he was working too many hours and she wanted to spend more time with him. She got half.

I suggest that when you marry that you both sign a pre-nup.