Crossroads . . .

[BluEyeL]

I was actually looking for this update so thanks for posting. I'm very happy it went well. I hope it continues to be this way and more.

 

I think you're incredibily patient and wise. I would have probably bailed by now. I'm also 8 months in, 9 months this month, but we are further down and I considered ours a "slow" relationship. I never heard before that "8 months is when people reveal more things"... I never heard 8 months being any kind of landmark in fact

[Redhead14]

I was actually looking for this update so thanks for posting. I'm very happy it went well. I hope it continues to be this way and more.

 

I think you're incredibily patient and wise. I would have probably bailed by now. I'm also 8 months in, 9 months this month, but we are further down and I considered ours a "slow" relationship. I never heard before that "8 months is when people reveal more things"... I never heard 8 months being any kind of landmark in fact

 

I don't really mean specifically 8 months, it's really somewhere around 6 or so months when that happens give or take. It's probably a little different for each relationship.

 

I have been tempted to bail. It's just that this one seems worth it to me. Not only that, it's been really revealing too because he's got some "extra" baggage to see how certain principles come into play and how important it is to be aware of what men want need, how we deal with certain behaviors, etc. I don't mean he's an experiment though.

 

I am aware that I am walking a fine line between patience and stupidity. The "break" though proved to me that I could and will handle the possible ending of all this once and for all if it goes that way. During the break, I did process the emotions and pushed forward fairly quickly. So, the fear isn't really there to mess things up either, if you know what I mean. Me being afraid that it will end, could cause me things to do things that will push him away. No one can do anything to make anyone want to be with them, but you can do things that will make them not want to be with you. Yeah, I did overthink what last night would be about, but not really fear driven, it was more about being eyes wide open and preparing, facing it, etc. if my concern turned out to be valid.

 

If it does end at some point, I'll be ok. I did enjoy almost all the time I've spent with Rick. It will have been a nice, albeit interesting chapter in my life. Frankly, though, if it did end, I wouldn't go on another search for someone. I'm happy being single. Which is probably one reason I've stuck it out with him. I don't really need him or anyone, if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I don't have to have a time line either.

 

My fiance who passed away, was similar in some ways to Rick. Not that I'm comparing. He didn't have as many "issues" as Rick, but he was a guy who had been single for a while and treated poorly by his ex. So I've kinda have a better clue. Dan went through a period where he was distant shortly before he asked me to marry him. I handled it the same way. I went dark. After about a month and a half, he showed up at my apartment with a ring. It took almost a year for Dan to pull out all the stops. He very very gradually got closer and closer and when he did, it was "let's get married". Rick and I will never marry. I'm too independent for that now.

 

If it does end at some point, I'll be ok. I did enjoy almost all the time I've spent with Rick. It will have been a nice, albeit interesting chapter in my life. Frankly, though, if it did end, I wouldn't go on another search for someone. I'm happy being single. Which is probably one reason I've stuck it out with him. I don't really need him or anyone, if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I don't have to have a time line either. I don't care how quickly or slowly a relationship develops. There is no guarantee that it will last forever no matter what we do or don't do, who we choose to focus on. The important thing is that whomever you do decide to focus on has the basic qualities you want in a partner.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Redhead14

[Eternal Sunshine]

No offense RH but this thread makes me feel very happy that I am single. I am not sure how you deal with this much uncertainty and anxiety after 8 months. I don't understand in general why people invest so much time and energy into relationships that are this much stress. There are so many other things you could be doing instead.

[Redhead14]

I want to say, BlueEye, that I appreciate that you've been following my journaling of this experience. I read through some it now and again to remind myself to stay focused on myself. Remind myself of where my head has been at at various times. I can see where I've fallen into common traps that we see other fall into even though we think we have a clear approach in dating and finding a relationship. It's been important to "hear" you say, "hey, watch out" every now and again It gets me back on track in terms of managing my emotions, thoughts.

 

I often wish I had journaled my relationships with my ex husband and Dan. I know I've grown, but it would be interesting to "watch" the processes.

[Redhead14]

No offense RH but this thread makes me feel very happy that I am single. I am not sure how you deal with this much uncertainty and anxiety after 8 months. I don't understand in general why people invest so much time and energy into relationships that are this much stress. There are so many other things you could be doing instead.

 

Yeah, I hear you. And, no offense taken. My last post addresses this a little too. It seems like it's been more anxiety here than really does exist. I do get anxious, I dump it here, and keep moving. It's not messing up other things for me. And, even I would have told someone else to bail on this. However, it's a case of the heart wants what it wants, sees enough to make the effort, i guess. And, don't forget, effort needs to be put into any relationship even after it's well established. I'm just doing a little more in the beginning. None of this has been that easy for him either. He's obviously struggling too, so it's not just me.

 

There will certainly be things that I'm bringing into it that he'll need to be patient with. He's already weathered a couple of issues with me and been very supportive of them. He has the capacity to support me emotionally. That is one of the 5 needs I have as a woman. He's gonna have some work to do with me as well.

[Redhead14]

BlueEye and Eternal Sunshine, probably the number 1 reason I am willing, able, and have the patience to "wait" this one out, is that, while I do love this man, I don't NEED him. I am completely happy as a single woman. I am independent and secure in myself. He's been coming to me, in kind of a broken up way and slowly. I'm living my life and enjoying everything in it while in the background, is this man who wants to be with me, is struggling with HIS issues and in small ways moving through them. If we end up as a long term couple, it will be because he's beginning to leave his baggage behind and will be more emotionally matured.

 

I am hoping that in this relationship, we are front loading stress and seeing how we work through it and have a handle on how it will be in the future. If we get through all this within a year, it will be a strong foundation. A year is all I'm going to invest in this though. At 55 years old, 8 months is already a big piece of chronological real estate. I do have a limit.

 

Now that I am older, I see past the initial dating high fairly soon. I enjoy that high, while at the same time, I am thinking about the bigger picture. I am anticipating the realities of a relationship. I am not looking for someone who is perfect. I'll never find that. If I do, that person won't have found the same thing.

 

At 55 years old, 8 months is a big piece of chronological real estate.

[BluEyeL]

Well, the reason I haven't been more nagging about dumping this guy is precisely because you are 55 yo and while wasting time with him at this age is an issue, on the other hand there is no pressure to marry/have children before you lose the fertility, so in a way it's easier.

[Redhead14]

Well, the reason I haven't been more nagging about dumping this guy is precisely because you are 55 yo and while wasting time with him at this age is an issue, on the other hand there is no pressure to marry/have children before you lose the fertility, so in a way it's easier.

 

Yep. You're right, no pressure. As for wasting time, eh, I don't want to say it would have been a waste necessarily. I liked him, enjoy/enjoyed spending time with him. Did some fun things. That's how I'd remember this I know. It's pretty much how I got through the break period. I kept remembering the good things. Kept positive. It's how I handled the onsie, twosie, whateever dates with people over the years that didn't go far. Took the good things out of the experiences and moved forward. Just another chapter in my life.

[Redhead14]

Yep. You're right, no pressure. As for wasting time, eh, I don't want to say it would have been a waste necessarily. I liked him, enjoy/enjoyed spending time with him. Did some fun things. That's how I'd remember this I know. It's pretty much how I got through the break period. I kept remembering the good things. Kept positive. It's how I handled the onsie, twosie, whateever dates with people over the years that didn't go far. Took the good things out of the experiences and moved forward. Just another chapter in my life.

 

And, another way I look at is that he's a good man, nice, interesting respectful, treats me well in general. I'd rather spend 8 months dating a really nice man, even if he has "issues", than date a bunch of jerky, weird guys over the course of 8 months

[Gary S]

Well, Rick does have some issues... he does not handle tragedy very well, and goes into his cave for too long.

 

But his saving grace with you, is his love for you... it's stronger than his issues, and keeps him coming back to that love, you

 

Thank you for sharing your virtual dating blog.... there have been some wonderful moments... I hope there are many more

[Redhead14]

Well, Rick does have some issues... he does not handle tragedy very well, and goes into his cave for too long.

 

But his saving grace with you, is his love for you... it's stronger than his issues, and keeps him coming back to that love, you

 

Thank you for sharing your virtual dating blog.... there have been some wonderful moments... I hope there are many more

 

That's sweet Gary S. It's been an odyssey. This particular cave visit was about uncertainty and "caving" during an uncertainty stage tends to be a tad longer than a what I call a routine caving. This one wasn't too long in my opiniion given the "seriousness" of the concerns/issues he was dealing with. He texted me two weeks into the caving and I kept it light. And then two more weeks passed and he wanted to get together and talk.

 

Frankly, if he'd come back too quickly, I'd question whether he'd thought seriously enough about it all and whether he was being sincere or just missed sex. Longer than this would also make me question things. For me, the timing was about right.

 

I tend to agree with you that his issues are not so difficult for him as to make him turn away altogether, it still doesn't mean he's really all in again either. He will demonstrate it clearly over time. If he does this again soon, though, I'll not be so forgiving. I will move on without blinking.

 

I've told him that I will always respect his need for space and, as long as he tells me he wants that and doesn't drop off the map, I'll be ok with it for a while. I suspect he will rubberband a few times in the future too. That's all good and natural for a man.

 

He appears to be sincere. He's coming on stronger. I'm letting him "drive". I'm receptive. I won't initiate calls or dates now. I was doing a little more of that before the "break", well, because it's been 8 months, there should be more coming from me but I still kept it all balanced.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Redhead14