Crossroads . . .

[Redhead14]

Good news! He has a small tumor on the bladder. It's been caught early. It can be removed easily followed by a short course of chemo.

 

We have entered exclusivity again. I realize things have been taken a little off track by this so we've kinda hit the reset button.

 

However, we are still only seeing each other once a week due to his work schedule and I totally understand. Even my schedule is tight. But, I do want more time with him and now playing that little head game we all play when we are "in to" a guy

 

I told him last night that I really enjoy the time we spend together and that it passes so quickly. He agreed and said I gotta figure out a way to get out earlier when we're getting together and that all day today all he could think of was getting out of work to see me. I was happy to hear him say that much. But will he do it? That is the first little signal I've given him about that situation. I'm not going to mention it again for a bit.

 

I've imposed a self-limit for this man -- 6 months taking into account all that's been going on. He will likely be laid off shortly (he's a supervisor for the road department paving crew). If he doesn't begin to have and give me more time, I'm moving on. I've been patient and understanding . . . but

 

 

He is upping things on his own already:) He heard me when I said time goes by quickly when were together, so he's finding ways to spend more time. He got out of work early on a "school night" and called me to come have dinner. He gave me the option to stay and wanted me to stay. He held me close all night (no sex) and kissed the top of my head a number of time during the night. He warmed up my car in the morning, got me coffee, etc.

 

He is being cautious and taking things slowly but moving things gradually. That makes me comfortable and I'm sure that's what makes him comfortable. I am not doing anything differently in terms of contacting him. I've initiated contact just a couple of times and kept it short and sweet. For the most part though, it's left to him and it appears that's the way he likes it. He calls once a week, but consistently and schedules our next date(s) for the weekend. Now we're spending a weeknight evening together.

 

I'm just diarying here. I want to be able to look at this again when I'm feeling insecure. It'll keep me in check I think.

[BluEyeL]

Sounds great, Red! Good luck!

[Redhead14]

Well, here I am again already . . . he said we were getting together on Wednesday because he's trying to figure out a way to spend more time together. But, when I left in the morning, I realized he had not asked about plans for the weekend and neither did I. He said he'd call me. When he says he will, he always does.

 

However, today is Friday. I didn't hear from him last night. So I texted him this morning and said "Were you thinking we'd be getting together this weekend? I'm doing some planning. Nothing great and can be shuffled but you'd be a priority

 

He called me a couple of hours later to say he had plans for the weekend but if I wanted to get together tonight, he'd be home late as usual, but would love to see me.

 

I said, "you're really tired after work and we did that last Friday and I could tell you were wiped out. We can do something another time. You have a great weekend."

 

He usually calls me every Wednesday to get together for Friday night into Saturday or Saturday night into Sunday, etc. It's been like this for 5 months now. We've spent whole Saturay's and or Sundays a couple of times. We've been sleeping with each other for the past 1 1/2 months and it seems he's flip flopping on words and actions. I do not expect to see him every weekend, but him seeing me on Wednesday, telling me he's trying to make more time for me and then not planning to see me at all on the weekend, doesn't make sense.

 

I get that this man has been slow and probably has some commitment issues. I get it on one hand . . . he's retiring soon, his life is changing in a big way in a few months and he's had a health scare. He just doesn't know what he wants his life to look like then. At the same time, he's a human being/a man, he needs comfort and wants to get laid. So do I I share some responsibility here too. It takes two to tango

 

 

I just need to nail it down, one way or the other. He's likely scared of commitment, it could change if I'm really, really patient. But I've been giving him tons of space and he's been closing it up here and there, but then he flips flops again himself. Not a healthy thing for either of us.

 

 

The longer I wait, the more emotionally invested I get, the worse it will be later. But, like I've said before, with all that I've been through, there isn't much that can hurt more than that.

 

I'm going to have the talk with him -- "I've enjoyed spending time with you and there a lots of things I really like and admire about you. You are close with your family, active with your church, the knights of Columbus, giving of your time to the VA hospital, etc. We've been dating for close to 5 months now and I need to be honest with myself and you about what I want. I'm not looking to marry anyone, I'm hoping to find someone who cares for me the way I care for them, who wants to spend time with me on a regular basis. I don't want anyone to be up my rear end and I don't want to be up their rear end. Someone who I can share things with and count on for support. I don't need anyone to take care of me".

 

Then ask him if that is something that works for him. If he says yes, great. (But it can't be a wishy washy, "hey, I like you too but I'm happy with things the way they are, can you go with it for a little while longer?) If he says No, then I'll just say "I've enjoyed spending time with you but we are not on the same page and it's time to part ways".

 

If he wants some time before he answers, I'll say, OK, let me know in a week.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

I did speak with him on Friday. I said basically what I mention above. I said I know it's no mystery to him that I really like him and listed all the qualities that I like about him. I then recapped the last 4 months and how things had developed til now.

 

 

 

 

I then went to the night when he said I'm not good with commitment, but I want to make love to you and reminded him that I had hesitated because I know what that usually means. I said I reconsidered because I thought to myself "you've dated lots of guys since Dan died and never considered going down any road with them, let alone sleeping with them. You like this man, you're comfortable with him and he's really cute. So I did.

 

 

 

 

Then I said that I also told myself that if/when emotions come into play for me, I owe it to myself to be honest with myself and him to say what it is I am really looking for in my life. I told him I didn't want to get married again. I want someone I care deeply for and who cares for me. I want someone to spend time with on a regular basis. I just want someone to watch tv with

 

 

 

 

 

I said, I knew he may not be thinking about what he wants his life to look like when he retires in 8 months and that he's been working so much it's probably difficult to think about all that. I said, if I am riding a train that isn't going in the direction I want to be going, I'm going to need to get off the train at some point. He listened very intently and told me he appreciated me talking about this and the way I did it. He said I was being very smart. He said I was right and hadn't been thinking about all that and doesn't know. He seemed a little scared and said, do you think we should take sex off the table? I said, well, that's kind of a bridge we can't uncross. I told him he didn't need to say anything more right then. I had been thinking like this for a few days and he hadn't had the same opportunity.

 

 

 

 

 

He wanted me to stay and offered to sleep on the couch. I said I want to but what I want and what I should do are two different things. I said I'm going to go home. He walked to the car with me and begged me to call him when I got home and I did. He said I could call him during the night if I wanted to. I said you're very tired tonight. We'll talk next week. He said No, it'll be sooner than that, we need to talk about all this.

 

 

 

 

 

He was afraid that Friday night was going to be the last time he saw me. So I texted him Saturday night and said I don't want to stay away. I wanted to have/give space that night and that I wanted to be there tonight. He called me immediately and said come up for dinner and we'll watch a movie. So I did. We ate and sat on the couch for the movie. He held my hand tightly and turned to me and said I really happy you came by tonight. I kissed his cheek. He asked me if I wanted to stay, he wanted that too. I did. He got breakfast again and brought it back after church.

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't bring up the "talk" again and neither did he. I didn't think we should go there again yet. Just enjoy each other until he is ready to go farther into it.

 

 

 

 

 

He would have ended it Friday night if he wasn't invested at all. He's thinking about all this and that's a good sign. He may say we should part ways, but it won't be off-handed or without thought. I will accept whatever comes of this even if it's not what I'm hoping for, with dignity and respect for him.

 

 

 

 

 

At one point I did say to him that "it may be that someone gave me a really nice car to drive for a while and at some point I have to give it back, but until then I'm driving it like I stole it" ")

 

 

 

 

I didn't take sex off the table because we've done it, it's part of everything now. Doing that now would/could be viewed that it's being used as a weapon or tool of manipulation. The fact that he mentioned taking it off the table himself, was a really good signal and I feel like I'm simply reciprocating his good will for the situation. If he hadn't done that himself, I would have taken it off the table myself.

[BluEyeL]

At this point it appears this turns into a FWB situation. Of course, we'll see how it goes.

 

I've also been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, and we are taking it slow, not talking marriage or anything like that, but things are different for us. We spend consistent time together, him saying that 'he has plans' or me saying that at this point is out of the question. What plans? We know what the other is doing. We introduced each other as BF/GF in our respective social circles. I took him to my work party, which means a lot to me, he took me too at his parties and I'm going to his Christmas Party. Wed we're going to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with my friends. After that he comes with me to my conference in Boston. We have plans into next summer. It's Thanksgiving, you should spend it together. Let's see what happens at Christmas. If he's not spending Christmas with you, I'd bail.

 

Honestly, giving allowances for his circumstances, I don't think it's going really well at this point. I'd bail now, but I know you won't because of course you're invested. I really didn't like his answer "I'm not good with commitment but I'd like to sleep with you".

 

You are a successful, powerful dater. You should get out, and find someone with less issues and same goals, IMHO. Waste of time and emotional energy with this one. But that's just a cold/outside opinion.

[Redhead14]

At this point it appears this turns into a FWB situation. Of course, we'll see how it goes.

 

I've also been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, and we are taking it slow, not talking marriage or anything like that, but things are different for us. We spend consistent time together, him saying that 'he has plans' or me saying that at this point is out of the question. What plans? We know what the other is doing. We introduced each other as BF/GF in our respective social circles. I took him to my work party, which means a lot to me, he took me too at his parties and I'm going to his Christmas Party. Wed we're going to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with my friends. After that he comes with me to my conference in Boston. We have plans into next summer. It's Thanksgiving, you should spend it together. Let's see what happens at Christmas. If he's not spending Christmas with you, I'd bail.

 

Honestly, giving allowances for his circumstances, I don't think it's going really well at this point. I'd bail now, but I know you won't because of course you're invested. I really didn't like his answer "I'm not good with commitment but I'd like to sleep with you".

 

You are a successful, powerful dater. You should get out, and find someone with less issues and same goals, IMHO. Waste of time and emotional energy with this one. But that's just a cold/outside opinion.

 

Yep, you're right. But, I've seen more than I can write here. That commitment comment was a flag for me but I simply decided I like him enough and was comfortable enough to do that with him and I'm not looking for a full on commitment like marriage either. I know he's not all about marriage. He's talked about that. But does want someone in his life. He's not using the "I don't know what I want" thing as an out, he really doesn't know because he's had so much going on and a big life change coming. Why wouldn't he not be clear in his head. He appreciated that I pointed that out. This would have been done that night if there wasn't enough there. FWB's don't do most of the things he does. They are more detached. They don't kiss you on the top of the head during the night numerous times, they don't put a lot of effort into making sure you are comfortable and put your needs first in bed, they don't go and get you breakfast in the morning, they don't get anxious when you do decide to go home at night, they don't care if you call them when you do get home, they don't hold your hand tightly when you're watching tv. He doesn't do everything right, I probably don't either. Yeah, I'd like him to call more often, but I have to remember that he does work killer hours, has a full active life with his sons and grandson, is active with his church, etc. But he is consistent in calling me when he says he will and receptive when I call. He's the kind of person who isn't all about his phone. He never looks at it when we are together and usually shuts it off. He is all about me when I am with him.

 

He didn't want me to go that night and it wasn't about sex, he offered to sleep on the couch and he wants to think and talk more. He wouldn't do that if I wasn't someone he could see himself with. Guys are upfront pretty fast when this talk comes. I'm continuing to give space, but I'm doing a little bit more contacting. He's gonna pull away some I expect and this week will be good for that too.

 

I won't push this issue at all for one month. If he doesn't go there by then, I'm am getting off the train. I had a great time with him overall! If it doesn't go the way I hoped it would, I've had nice times with this man. I won't regret it. Just another interesting chapter in my life. Also, I may have done things a little ass backward with this man, but it's how you handle it after that counts. I've handled it well, how it comes out has nothing to do with me, it's just the way it is.

 

If we decide to proceed, I am hoping to be in love for the last time in my life. I can't say I'm actually in love yet, really, but I am damned close. Close enough to be willing to do what I've done, but not so far in as to not do it either.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Redhead14

[BluEyeL]

Yes, I understand. I know it's not as easy and there are no regrets either way. I know there are more things that are visible when you are in it, but IMO and IME those just blind you to the truth.

 

There is a level between marriage and FWB though, and at this point, it appears to be leaning towards the FWB more than a relationship. Marriage is just a legal document. A bona fide couple makes plans together, spends consistent time together and is integrating each other in their respective lives fully, while having some time apart too. You two see each other overnight more than anything. I don't hear so much about events you go together, shows, going out etc.

 

His words matter less, if he doesn't want a full on relationship. His actions lean towards the no strings thing. I think the way Christmas is handled will be very telling. I know you'll do the right thing, I hope it turns out well, but honestly, as an outsider, I have little hope.

[Redhead14]

Yep, you're right. But, I've seen more than I can write here. That commitment comment was a flag for me but I simply decided I like him enough and was comfortable enough to do that with him and I'm not looking for a full on commitment like marriage either. I know he's not all about marriage. He's talked about that. But does want someone in his life. He's not using the "I don't know what I want" thing as an out, he really doesn't know because he's had so much going on and a big life change coming. Why wouldn't he not be clear in his head. He appreciated that I pointed that out. This would have been done that night if there wasn't enough there. FWB's don't do most of the things he does. They are more detached. They don't kiss you on the top of the head during the night numerous times, they don't put a lot of effort into making sure you are comfortable and put your needs first in bed, they don't go and get you breakfast in the morning, they don't get anxious when you do decide to go home at night, they don't care if you call them when you do get home, they don't hold your hand tightly when you're watching tv. He doesn't do everything right, I probably don't either. Yeah, I'd like him to call more often, but I have to remember that he does work killer hours, has a full active life with his sons and grandson, is active with his church, etc. But he is consistent in calling me when he says he will and receptive when I call. He's the kind of person who isn't all about his phone. He never looks at it when we are together and usually shuts it off. He is all about me when I am with him.

 

He didn't want me to go that night and it wasn't about sex, he offered to sleep on the couch and he wants to think and talk more. He wouldn't do that if I wasn't someone he could see himself with. Guys are upfront pretty fast when this talk comes. I'm continuing to give space, but I'm doing a little bit more contacting. He's gonna pull away some I expect and this week will be good for that too.

 

I won't push this issue at all for one month. If he doesn't go there by then, I'm am getting off the train. I had a great time with him overall! If it doesn't go the way I hoped it would, I've had nice times with this man. I won't regret it. Just another interesting chapter in my life. Also, I may have done things a little ass backward with this man, but it's how you handle it after that counts. I've handled it well, how it comes out has nothing to do with me, it's just the way it is.

 

If we decide to proceed, I am hoping to be in love for the last time in my life. I can't say I'm actually in love yet, really, but I am damned close. Close enough to be willing to do what I've done, but not so far in as to not do it either.

 

I also need to keep in mind that he's been single for a while and hasn't dated much at all. He's forgetten how to have someone in his life. I kinda did too. I'll have to show him and let him know what I want and hopefully he'll follow suit.

 

I am going by how I felt after talking to him. I came away feeling much better and encouraged. He may have said a couple of things that most people who weren't there would have flagged. It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it, the expression on his face, looking me in the eyes and clearly not wanting to have that be the last time he saw me.

 

I will be able to accept his answer even if it's not the one I want because I know he put some thought into it. I'd rather move on from someone who did care and knew it wouldn't be something that works for both of us and treated it with respect, than some guy who was just going along for the ride and didn't care at all whether I was happy or not.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

Yes, I understand. I know it's not as easy and there are no regrets either way. I know there are more things that are visible when you are in it, but IMO and IME those just blind you to the truth.

 

There is a level between marriage and FWB though, and at this point, it appears to be leaning towards the FWB more than a relationship. Marriage is just a legal document. A bona fide couple makes plans together, spends consistent time together and is integrating each other in their respective lives fully, while having some time apart too. You two see each other overnight more than anything. I don't hear so much about events you go together, shows, going out etc.

 

His words matter less, if he doesn't want a full on relationship. His actions lean towards the no strings thing. I think the way Christmas is handled will be very telling. I know you'll do the right thing, I hope it turns out well, but honestly, as an outsider, I have little hope.

 

I have only now brought up the discussion about whether we should be a couple. He knows I don't want to marry anyone. Commitment in our case will be about knowing that we love each other, that we will be there for each other for support. We are still individuals with lives. How much they blend together would be part of the process. I can see it working. Yes, Chistmas will be a turning point which is why I've put a one month limit for it to be resolved. The way he sounded though, he wants to talk soon and is taking some time to figure things out. I didn't tell him I've put that time limit on it though.

 

As for no strings, I think there are already strings. When my ex-husband had his heart attack a month ago, Rick had called me while I was at the hospital (I care for my ex and we are still close. We signed medical proxies for each other when we divorced). I texted him because I couldn't talk on the phone about what had happened and he said if I needed anything or wanted him to be there, he would come or do whatever I needed.

 

He has spent whole weekend days with me, we've gone to a rodeo at his suggestion because he knows I'm an avid horseman, he's taken me to restaurants that I've mentioned I'd like to go to. We've spent the last several evenings together at his place because he wasn't getting home until after 8 o'clock most of the time. We do know what each other is doing when we are apart. For him it's mostly work, time with his grandson/sons, church activities or Knights of Columbus then there's laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, etc. and "me" time. He has a full life and so do I.

 

There are more positives than all that too. He's very sweet and attentive every time. He treats me like a piece of glass almost. He's a good man. Worth the effort.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Redhead14

[BluEyeL]

I thought you'd benefit from reading this:

 

Casual Relationships: All The Fringe Benefits of a Relationship?Without The Actual Relationship | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[Redhead14]

I thought you'd benefit from reading this:

 

Casual Relationships: All The Fringe Benefits of a Relationship?Without The Actual Relationship | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Yes, BluEye, I am familiar with this scenario. However, the reality is that what I want is not too far outside of that. I don't want to get married again and I don't need to have someone up my ass as they don't need to be up mine. This man and I have full active lives so "incorporating" another person into our schedules isn't going to be about even living with each other at this point.

 

Yes, I would have married Dan if he didn't pass away, but since then I've come to realize that I am happy on my own but want someone in my life that I care about and who cares about me, someone to share triumphs and failures, hard times, (he's already shown me he would support me in a difficult time), someone to give and have support from when needed, someone to watch TV with sometimes

 

This man did say he "wasn't good with commitment". What he mean't was that he didn't want to get married again and since he's been alone for so long, doesn't know how to do it anymore even in a non-marriage scenario. He doesn't do it good. Not because he's cheated or wants to date a lot of women or sleep around, he just doesn't always know what to do while "committed', how to keep a relationship strong. He hasn't dated in a long time, isn't used to having someone else in his life but does want someone in his life. From what he's told me, he's been with very immature women with security issues who didn't know how to communicate their needs in an effective way and basically bashed him for not meeting their needs. That really left him confused and it scared him. He is making some little strides here and there because I've let him know in a caring, non-confrontational way what it is I want for various things, and he's responded. Yes, they are baby steps, but he does pick up on things. He's not closed off. He also said we need to "talk about all this" . . . he didn't say he's done or isn't open for discussion. He's open to hearing more about what I have in mind. He did say that specifically. And, it was his idea to take sex off the table, so this is not all about sex for him, there's more to it. That is a huge signal. Since he's done that, I am willing to hear/talk more as well.

 

Just because someone is afraid of commitment, doesn't mean they don't want some significant in their lives, it means they haven't had a healthy relationship that shows them that commitment isn't about being trapped or manipulated. And, they maybe don't understand that commitment can look and be different than they think and that it doesn't necessarily mean marriage. Usually men think of commitment as marriage, loss of freedom, self, etc. It doesn't have to be that way. Effective communication is the key to making any relationship work and especially the scenario we may be entering.

 

I'd agree that it's a waste of time to try to get a man who is not about commitment normally. But, we have to look at the whole person for who they are, not what we've seen in the past from other people. I've seen enough from him to know that he is worth a little effort on my part to see if it can work. The fact that he makes me feel as good as I do, means something.

 

There are many "couples" who are bonded and committed to each other without being married or even living together. As long as we are exclusive with each other, enjoying time together and love each other, this could work for both of us. The biggest issue here though is the fact that he's retiring soon. He may want to move to another state. I'm not sure at this point myself if I'd do that if we got into a "relationship" and I know I could not live with an LDR too. But, if we move forward and we are that "committed" to one another, we will work things out then too.

 

Five months in the whole scheme of things is not a lot of time to be together, especially since it's evolved so slowly. If we proceed, the milestones we need to hit, will take a little longer. The fact is that if we are spending more and more time together, we may find we aren't a good match still.

 

All that being said, his family's plans for Thanksgiving have changed and are close to home now. He's asked me to go with him!

 

We haven't finished our "talk" yet. So very soon, we will know if we want to keep moving forward and how all this will look and work for us both. It's been interesting for sure. If it doesn't work out, I've enjoyed the time with this man. I get out my fishing pole again, I still have a little stable of guys who want to see me, so there will be more

Edited November 25, 2014 by Redhead14

[BluEyeL]

A casual relationship doesn't have to be about sex, or only about sex. It's companionship on his terms, without the responsibility, constancy, and progression. Well, hope it works out for you.

 

To me, all sounds like excuses you make for him. But if, indeed, this is what you want too, a casual relationship, then it's fine. Because it is a casual relationship.

 

I know how you feel, because I felt the same. I did have a dating coach for 7 months this year, and I was very annoyed with her because she kept asking me to dump everyone I liked. In hindsight, she was always right, but I preferred to make excuses because I liked the guy(s) and really wanted things to work out. They didn't. And she was always right.

[Redhead14]

Yes, I understand what you're saying about making excuses. But, making excuses for a man is more about not really knowing the man for who he is. We often get blinded by our endorphins and just feel good or excited and not really listening to them when they talk. And, then just hearing what you want to hear.

 

I know that this man has a good heart, is giving, caring, and most importantly, emotionally available especially to his family. He is emotionally available even though he's been hurt in the past. I've been hurt in the past, I keep going. A true commitment phobe is emotionally unavailable. These are the ones to not spend or waste your time on. Most of the time, they don't have good relationships with even their families, they aren't giving of their time to outside activities, charities, etc. They might be nice people, but there's always that distance. They don't share openly about how they are feeling, what they are feeling. This man does that. He also listens and asks about my feelings. He has sensed a few times that I've been a little down even though I hadn't mentioned anything. He will inquire in a way that is not prying and sometimes not even obvious to me that's he's trying to find out, but ultimately draws out of me what's wrong or bothering me in a natural way.

 

Discounting some potential dating prospects without taking a little time to know them beyond the initial "high" you get in the very beginning, may be causing some to miss out on someone really good. Of course, you have to throw out the ones that really turn you off right away. But if you date and pay close attention in the beginning, you will know who is and who isn't worth it,. Even if there are some signs of possible issues, but you see a bigger picture, you'll want to follow it out.

 

In my case, some may say that I've wasted my time on this man if it doesn't work out. However, I could have dated, who knows, 1 man per month for the last 5 months and not have enjoyed it or found one worth even the first date. That's more likely, in fact.

 

The "trick" is that if you are dating a man who has some commitment issues but is a man of quality, you have to look at the whole man for who he is, determine if there is enough there for "you" and then let him see "you" as a woman who is different and more mature than anyone he's been with. He will be drawn, perhaps ever so slowly, to that if he's open to it. You will know pretty quickly in small ways in the very beginning if he is. A man will not spend 3 months and a ton of money without even making a move on you if he's just in it for sex. And, if he were, he wouldn't stick around long. A man who isn't in it for more, would have dropped me that night or maybe the next night after he got "one last time" from me. He appreciated that I came by the next night because I demonstrated that I wasn't using sex as a weapon, that I wasn't at least giving him the opportunity to consider the potential and not forcing his hand. Everything showed on him and in his eyes and face, his body that he didn't want to let this go without careful consideration and was relieved that I didn't just rip it away from him. He was listening intently, he didn't interrupt. He appreciated the way I spoke to him and how I said what I needed to say. He actually became very relaxed by the time I'd finished talking. He was prepared to hear an onslaught of complaints, criticisms and frustration somewhere along the line. When that didn't happen, he realized we were beginning a mature, logical, productive path to a mutual discussion. And, I guarantee, that even if he were to have been thinking at the start of the "talk" that he would just say goodbye, he didn't do it because he saw something different than what he'd been used to.

 

All that being said, he was somewhat afraid that I might just disappear now. I'll bet he's experienced that. He asked me to promise to call him when I got home that night, almost pleaded. That was him looking for reassurance that I mean't what I said and was truly leaving the door open.

 

As for things being on his terms . . . that's the way it needs to be for the most part for a bit, but he will begin to realize that there needs to be a merging of terms. He also needs to see that my terms and his terms are not that far apart, if at all. I've begun initiating things with him and he's accepted very willingly. If he can't do it when I want to, he offers another option. He's seeing that I want a little more time with him and is giving that. His work schedule is not an excuse, it is a real hinderance. Him wanting me to be with him even though he's completely exhausted after a 14 hour day, says a lot. He also understands that he can tell me that he's too exhausted and I'm understanding of that and I respect his needs. When he's been that tired, he's offered another day.

 

I'd rather spend 5 months on a man that has "quality", than go through 5 men who were Eh. If this man/we decide not to proceed, it will not be about commitment issues or emotional unavailability, it will simply be that it was not mean't to be between us and I'd be willing to bet that he will date with a new sense of what things can and should be between a man and a woman and will seek that at some point after he's settled with retirement and where he wants to be. I'd wish that for him. He deserves that.

Edited November 25, 2014 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

He called last night. He is staying home for Thanksgiving to spend it with me. I would have been alone (my grown children are going to their paternal grandfathers house and I would usually have gone to my deceased fiance's family gathering, but they are traveling this year). He couldn't bring me to his family gathering because of the fact that I have to be at work early on Friday (he is off) and we would have had to stay down there at his sisters house and it's three hours away.

 

We are cooking a turkey and all the fixings together. That is a very sweet gesture.

[BluEyeL]

That's very nice indeed, I'm glad to hear. Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy!

[Redhead14]

I was at the office Wednesday for a while. He called me and was shocked and almost pissed off that I was at work. He said he didn't want me to come up there, if at all, on Wednesday until later and he had evaluated the road situation. So we decided to talk later about what to do. Maybe just better to come up in the morning on Thursday. He went shopping for all the dinner supplies early in the morning but by the time he was coming home things had deteriorated. He called me back about 45 minutes later and told me to go home. He was going to pick me up and we were going to drive to his friends house who needed some stuff he had borrowed. So we did that and then went back to his house. I said it would be nice if we took a walk at some point because it was so beautiful outside with snow on trees.

 

Anyway, he went to church on Thursday morning and I slept in. When he got back, he woke me up and said let's go for a drive, you're right, it's gorgeous out there So we did that for an hour. then we got back and started getting things ready for dinner, watched football, ate, watched a movie and just talked all day.

 

We did not bring up the "talk" and I don't intend to again. I think he may not be able to say it at all, but he will show me in his way how he feels. He certainly did that the last couple of days. All this is a result of what I said. I've done everything right with this one and if it's mean't to be it will be. No matter what, it'll be alright. I've had a wonderful time with a wonderful person. How could that ever be a bad thing. It's the nice chapters in life that make the nice memories.

 

[Redhead14]

Last night he made a nice dinner after having run around all day to his grandson's hockey games and asked me to come up there. He had candles, fire in the fireplace, flowers. We ate and talked. I could tell there was something he was waiting/wanting to say all night. After everything was cleaned up, he had me sit on the floor with him by the fire. Then he said:

I hope I am in love for the last time in my life (quote from a movie too and for the first time with a woman who is actually right for me.

 

I couldn't say anything, the lump in my throat was huge. We just hugged each other for the rest of the night.

 

I didn't expect him to say something like this for some time, if he would actually say it out loud. It was a stunning moment. It's still early yet in the relationship and we have some things to work out and it's all about the relationship model we want and the fact that we each have active lives outside of the relationship and how to balance everything. He wants to figure it all out and make a plan that works for both of us.

[BluEyeL]

Sounds awesome, so happy for you! Glad your instincts were right.

[Redhead14]

Sometimes you just gotta go with your gut especially when your feelings are strong for them. It's also about listening closely to them when they talk and whether or not you "hear"/"see" that they are emotionally open even though they may have some concerns about commitment. If they aren't you move on, if they are, you create the environment that allows them to see you as not a threat to their "freedom" or control or what have you. If I wanted to marry someone at some point, I would not have continued with him. I am doing things, hopefully, that are just about making him feel safe enough and to do whatever it is that HE truly wants no matter what that is.

It does help, of course, that I don't want to get married again and I know he doesn't. So, him knowing that, makes some difference. He clearly wants someone signficant in his life, just never thought it would happen and didn't really realize that there can be different definitions or models for a committed relationship.

 

In the end though, it's just kismet, two people who happen to be on the same page although he didn't know it at first

 

I promise this though, now that he has said all this, he will pull away a little for a bit. He/we were overwhelmed by it. If he does pull back, I will let him do his cave thing . . . he will be back. If he doesn't, yippee! I don't think he will really. He has become very open and direct in his communication. If he feels like pulling away, he will tell me he needs a little space and mean just that and he knows I'll give it. After all, this is part of the model I want. I don't want to be up his ass and he doesn't need to be up mine

Edited December 2, 2014 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

I hadn't seen him since Monday because he's been exhausted and getting home very late. He has plans Friday night through the weekend with his sons and grandson. So I texted him last night and he was cleaning. I teasingly said, I can think of something better to do. He texted back and said, I'm really washed out (worked in the rain all day) and I said, I was only teasing you about tonight, you rest. He said, how about tomorrow? I said I have bowling tomorrow but I could blow it off because I haven't missed any and the season is 36 weeks long. He called me then and said, "so come after bowling". I said we don't finish until 8:30 that's a late night for you again. He said he could make it through Friday, no big deal.

 

Anyway, now I'm feeling selfish, like I've imposed this on him. I know he offered tonight, but I also know he often does things because he knows they want it, not necessarily because he wants it. I apologized to him for seeming forward or pushy and he said "don't you ever apolagise to me" with a little joke about misspelling. I said Ok, see ya tomorrow.

 

The problem really is that a friend of mine committed suicide on Tuesday. He doesn't know that. But I just wanted to be somewhere where I didn't have to talk about all that. We've all been talking about non-stop since and it's overwhelming. So I kinda got needy I think.

 

However, after 6 months and where we are now, I also feel like I can and should be able to ask to be with him, make concessions, etc.

 

I'm overthinking right now because of all that's going on I know. All this over thinking is about fear and I know it. It's about the death of my fiance and having him ripped from my life in such a sudden way (and now Gina) and worrying about that kind of thing happening again. Dan's death was out of my control and I'm trying to control things with R and trying not to "do" things that will cause him to "go away" or doing things thinking I can prevent it. Things are going well and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've gotta get this under control or it will become a problem between us.

 

Edited December 4, 2014 by Redhead14

[losangelena]

Don't feel guilty. So what if he's making concessions? He's a grown man. If he'd wanted to say, "no I don't want to," he could've on his own.

 

Everyone's needy in relationships. At six months, you should be able to lean on him a little.

 

Have fun later and try not to feel bad about it.

[Redhead14]

Don't feel guilty. So what if he's making concessions? He's a grown man. If he'd wanted to say, "no I don't want to," he could've on his own.

 

Everyone's needy in relationships. At six months, you should be able to lean on him a little.

 

Have fun later and try not to feel bad about it.

 

Yes, I agree with what you've said. And I will try to have fun, however, my friend's suicide may be a cloud over it. It'll talk to him about it but not dwell. Like I said, I'm just overwhelmed now with everything and not thinking as clearly as I would normally. I'm also just a little afraid to be bringing drama into things yet. Not that there would never be drama, but it's a little early to be there. Don't forget, he's still working on how to have someone else in his life again, if he gets overwhelmed too at this point, he may back away. It's my fears, I know, I know.

 

While I'm at it, I might as well say something else that I'm overthinking, when I first texted him last night, I just said, I hope you're still not at work and that he'd had a better day. He texted back and said he was doing dishes. I said, oh that's fun xxoo. He came back with I gotta get back to kp. So a little while later I texted, I said I can think of something better to do . . . then the rest I said above.

 

I would have told someone else to stop texting him when he said he had to get back to what he was doing! He was busy. I should have left him alone. But I didn't. Geez.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

It's all good. Dumping the overthinking and fretting here is a good thing He brought up the conversation for making a clear cut plan for our schedules and building in time for each other on a regular, definitive schedule. He's being laid off for the winter and now will see how all this can come together when he retires too.

 

He said he realizes that we've both said we don't want to get married again, but he wants me to consider allowing him to put an engagement ring on it just because . . . he said we don't have to call it an engagement ring, but he wants some kind of outward symbol.

[Redhead14]

R said he wants to replay the day we met at J.."g's. I asked him what he meant, he said, I want to be sitting there and have you come in again in your power suit and great legs (short skirt) and then come over to you and start talking the way we did. And the next time we were there, he said, that the guys (his friends) gave him a nod and later said way to go, dude. That's hilarious but really cute.

 

I'm thinking I'll do it but somewhere else. There's another place he likes to go to when he gets out early for a quick beer, so I may show up and this time I'll pick him up

[Redhead14]

He called me two weeks ago to make a plan for a weekend get together. The day after that a very close relative was killed in a car accident. I supported him with a text here and there just letting him know I was thinking about him and praying for the family.

 

This was enough for him to feel smothered. This was the first tragedy he/we had experienced since our relationship began. Last Wednesday he sat down with me and said the following:

 

"Marylee, I'm completely overwhelmed. We need to slow things down a bit. I just don't know what I want. I want you but I'm scared and need some time now to get a grip on things. You are a sexy Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. I am not used to being treated so well. I'm being sincere though and truly just asking you to give me some time now, I'm not using this as the usual blow off, I promise."

 

I didn't blink . . . "I said, Rick, you are struggling with a tragedy and now a full plate of other things you need to handle and I am not surprised that you're feeling this way. The truth is that I thought something was up when I showed up at church. He said, "I was just surprised and knew you were being supportive and I simply didn't know how to handle it. I'm not used to it." I said "I want you to be happy no matter what. You take the time you need. I'm not saying I'll wait forever, but the truth is that I know I want you and it will take some time for me to process all this so I won't be wanting to see anyone else for a while. So, all I'll say is that when the dust settles for you and you do feel like you want to talk and see if we can make it work, I'll listen."

 

He said "what if you find someone else". I said, "it's unlikely that will happen soon but if it does, it does, it will be what it is".

Then he said, do you want that drink now and smiled. I said, "yeah, that be good right now." He said, I wouldn't blame you if you left right now, but if you want to stay, I'd like that." I said, let's just enjoy what may end up being one last night together."

 

We talked and actually laughed for a while and decided to watch a movie and went to bed and just cuddled and talked some more. This morning the alarm went off at 5:00 and I was on his shoulder. I said, "Rick, I am hoping and praying that all this is happening because of what's been going on but 99% of the time, it's really just the end. If I don't hear from you again, it'll all be OK. I won't call or bother you in anyway. He got up and was near tears. He got into the shower. He thought I would stay in bed like usual. But I got up and dressed and when he came out he said "you're leaving?" I said, I'm having a hard time being tough now and have to leave."

 

He said, "I'm sorry this is happening".

 

Will he come back? I have no idea really. I know his feelings for me are strong. There's no way to know which way he will go with all this. I can only give him my support and be accepting of his decision. Whatever he decides is best for himself, will be best for both of us in the long run.

 

I will not contact him for at least a couple of weeks if he doesn't contact me. And, at that time, all I will do is tell him I've been praying for wisdom, clarity and strength for him and patience for me.

 

No pressure, just a little reminder that I'm here and not punishing him for needing space. If he decides to stay with me, he will need to know that he will not lose that in the future nor will I be so needy as to cling to him when he needs it. Everybody needs it now and again. The fact that he came to me and told me what he needed is a sign of closeness.

 

If, of course, he doesn't contact me for a month or more, I'll have to simply call him and tell him it's over for me.

 

Yes, men will use this "strategy" to dump a woman because they don't want to say it directly. But you shouldn't apply this thinking without knowing who that man really is. This is the reason for allowing relationships to develop slowly and naturally. This man is not being a "jerk". He's being honest and upfront and saying what he really means. I have to respect that. I am prepared to move on and he knows that. Him knowing that takes the pressure off of him as well. All I'm doing is allowing him the freedom to make the choice that is best for him. Part of all this is about him feeling smothered right now. He's letting me know this and I'm acknowledging and respecting his feelings. He now knows he can tell me what he needs in the future without a lot of drama. This will at least be helpful to him in his decision-making process.