Crossroads . . .

[BluEyeL]

I was following this with interest. I'm sorry things are going backwards. There are never any guarantees. I would have done a few things a little differently than you did, but that doesn't mean it would have changed the outcome.

 

I wouldn't have advertised so openly that I was dating other men. I would have made the decision way earlier so we can both focus on each other exclusively without worrying. I wouldn't have come out and advertised necessarily that we are exclusive either, but by date 5 or so, I'd make a choice.

 

Then I wouldn't have spent overnight with him. Being exclusive doesn't mean we need to spend so much time right away after having sex. It sounded like a lot of time together. It should be a bit more paced right when the relationship starts (putting that start line at having sex). Public dates too, a few h for sex, going home. Also, I wouldn't have told him that I'm withdrawing exclusivity when he called Wed.

 

You dated him 4 months, but it didn't quite progress in a way that I'd say was smooth, due to the presence of the other guy and inconsistency in dates. I think it took multidating a bit far and that created some issues.

 

In any case, you seem to have a lot of attention from men and surely, even if Guy#1 doesn't work out, you'll meet someone else soon. I personally am rooting for you! You are definitely a strong woman!

Edited November 6, 2014 by BluEyeL

[Redhead14]

I was following this with interest. I'm sorry things are going backwards. There are never any guarantees. I would have done a few things a little differently than you did, but that doesn't mean it would have changed the outcome.

 

I wouldn't have advertised so openly that I was dating other men. I would have made the decision way earlier so we can both focus on each other exclusively without worrying. I wouldn't have come out and advertised necessarily that we are exclusive either, but by date 5 or so, I'd make a choice.

 

Then I wouldn't have spent overnight with him. Being exclusive doesn't mean we need to spend so much time right away after having sex. It sounded like a lot of time together. It should be a bit more paced right when the relationship starts (putting that start line at having sex). Public dates too, a few h for sex, going home. Also, I wouldn't have told him that I'm withdrawing exclusivity when he called Wed.

 

You dated him 4 months, but it didn't quite progress in a way that I'd say was smooth, due to the presence of the other guy and inconsistency in dates. I think it took multidating a bit far and that created some issues.

 

In any case, you seem to have a lot of attention from men and surely, even if Guy#1 doesn't work out, you'll meet someone else soon. I personally am rooting for you! You are definitely a strong woman!

 

Thanks, BlueEye. It was an odd scenario for sure and weird to navigate.

 

I told him I had been dating other people because he knew I had been. Had to be honest. He asked for exclusivity because and even though he knew that. I spent that night and the next night because we hadn't seen each other much over last couple of weeks because I was traveling for work and I'd be traveling quite a bit after this weekend.

 

I was not surprised that he would pull away a little, it happens sometimes when someone makes a step forward toward a relationship. I am surprised about the way he put it and given the timing, it almost seems like manspeak for I got what I wanted, see ya. He doesn't really seem like that kinda guy, but how do you really know.

 

I withdrew exclusivity because there is that possibility that I won't hear from him for quite some time if at all. In other words, he understands that I'm not going to be in a holding pattern for him. If I hear from him in a week or so and he says he didn't mean it or thanks me for giving him the space to absorb and/or gives some indication that he understand how this came across to me, I'd reconsider. Beyond that, I'm not going to be sitting there at his beck and call if he decides he wants sex again. Besides all that, I didn't appreciate being called while he was drunk and would not entertain a further discussion while he was in that condition.

 

And, I am not saying he's doing it because he made a conscious effort to use me either. He might simply have thought he wanted to move forward and was/did get scared not knowing that would happen. I'm giving it a chance, he really is a nice guy. He's getting ready to retire and maybe just a little confused about what he wants his life to look like in retirement. It's difficult when you get older and been through stuff and going into a new stage of life.

 

 

I'm going to live my life, not dwell on it and see what happens. He doesn't really owe me anything. He did give me a heads up at least. He could have just disappeared. It's not like I'm trying to save a marriage or even an established relationship.l

Edited November 6, 2014 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

In addition, if he does come back, he's starting fresh again. I am a reasonable person and am giving him a little bit of the benefit of the doubt in trying to be cognizant of "where" he's at in his life, however, he needs to understand that I will not tolerate BS from a 61 year old man especially since we've only known each other for 4 months. This is the kind of behavior I'd expect from a man of a lesser age and quality. Right now, his quality is in question. He came to me with exclusivity. We entered into an agreement that he's telling me he may reneg on and I should wait to see if he's all in? And, frankly, he's scared to be exclusive? It's just exclusivity until he or I am sure we want more. NOt a binding long term contract. If he spent even a month being in the exclusivity stage and then decided no go, fine with me. But it's only been 2 weeks. Saying this now is really, really commitment phobic. He needs to understand that if he does come back and wants to move forward, I won't keep going through this kind of thing. Zero tolerance now.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Redhead14

[myothernic2]

In addition, if he does come back, he's starting fresh again. I am a reasonable person and am giving him a little bit of the benefit of the doubt in trying to be cognizant of "where" he's at in his life, however, he needs to understand that I will not tolerate BS from a 61 year old man especially since we've only known each other for 4 months. This is the kind of behavior I'd expect from a man of a lesser age and quality. Right now, his quality is in question. He came to me with exclusivity. We entered into an agreement that he's telling me he may reneg on and I should wait to see if he's all in? And, frankly, he's scared to be exclusive? It's just exclusivity until he or I am sure we want more. NOt a binding long term contract. If he spent even a month being in the exclusivity stage and then decided no go, fine with me. But it's only been 2 weeks. Saying this now is really, really commitment phobic. He needs to understand that if he does come back and wants to move forward, I won't keep going through this kind of thing. Zero tolerance now.

 

Even if he does come back after a week, I'd be scared to put myself out there again, thinking at any moment he would get "scared" again.

[BluEyeL]

I'm not there and I can't know all the details, or the people involved,so I might very well be wrong. However, I can't shake the feeling that the no1 guy wasn't a good prospect from the beginning. If someone doesn't consistently see you every week in the beginning, one date a week, no matter what the reasons behind this, for me it's a sign that things will not work out. I have this gut feeling that you should have dropped him way earlier, despite his explanations.

 

No 2, if he's already shows signs of being abusive, not a good prospect either.

 

It's better that the multidating be kept just to the very beginning and not really advertised. It tends to bite you in the arse later, it's a double edge sword. Who knows how men interpret your ways of dating multiple people? Many don't like it, at least after a while. Multidate, but don't go this far next time. However, like I said, something tells me no 1 should have been dropped way earlier.

 

Also, no matter the circumstances, do not spend the night. No matter what. And do not meet daily. Even if you haven't seen each other for a while. I think it is true that while we fall in love in a man's presence, they fall in love in our absence.

 

Again, I don't think any of this would have changed No1, but as a general rule, not a great idea to spend so much time together at once. It wasn't a relationship that progressed nicely at 4 months. It wasn't really a 4 months old relationship, although you've been knowing each other for 4 months.

 

 

 

I suggest drop no 1 right away. If no 2 is controlling, drop him too and go search for new prospects taking some lessons with you.

Edited November 6, 2014 by BluEyeL

[BluEyeL]

If not decisive maybe you lose both. Make a decision. Three months is not early to be exclusive. If a guy was doing this we might have labeled him a player. Maybe Guy 2 is bad in bed, what do I know...

I was saying it.

 

Now, on top of everything else, they know each other, they'll know you slept with both of them....not gonna work out with either. Most men judge, no matter what everyone tells me. Most of them judge. There are exceptions, but most of them are way open to people having pasts, histories etc etc...but not when it's about their gf or wife sleeping with someone else that they know about.

[clia]

Also, no matter the circumstances, do not spend the night. No matter what. And do not meet daily. Even if you haven't seen each other for a while. I think it is true that while we fall in love in a man's presence, they fall in love in our absence.

 

I totally agree with this.

[Redhead14]

I was saying it.

 

Now, on top of everything else, they know each other, they'll know you slept with both of them....not gonna work out with either. Most men judge, no matter what everyone tells me. Most of them judge. There are exceptions, but most of them are way open to people having pasts, histories etc etc...but not when it's about their gf or wife sleeping with someone else that they know about.

 

They don't know each other well enough to be talking about anything like that. They rarely see each other or even if they do, they don't hang with same people. And, frankly, I've done nothing wrong, if they think so, that's on them. I wasn't a girlfriend to either of them until this weekend.

 

I've moved on from Guy 2 for some time now. So that's a non-issue. I am totally prepared and preparing to move on from #1 too now. Like I've said, if he comes around soon with suitable "recovery" from a possible drunken blunder, he's starting fresh. I like him enough and he has shown me enough prior to all this that he does have potential but I'm not going to work for it or chase it or whatever. In the meantime, I'm going to have fun. I've got bowling league tonight! Great bunch of teammates.

[Redhead14]

I totally agree with this.

 

Spending the night after we've become exclusive and having not spent much time together for a couple of weeks doesn't bother me. I wouldn't be doing it often, if at all after that, anyway. And, it's not really part of the issue now. But, I do understand the position.

 

Incidentally, this is the first time I've known or seen him drunk. So there may be something else going on here that is shaking him up too. I will not pry. And, this is the time when "stuff" will be coming out that we haven't seen about each other too.

 

How this gets worked out, if it gets worked out, will also be a heads up about how we would "be" together. The earlier the better I'm thinking at this point.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Redhead14

[BluEyeL]

They don't know each other well enough to be talking about anything like that. They rarely see each other or even if they do, they don't hang with same people. And, frankly, I've done nothing wrong, if they think so, that's on them. I wasn't a girlfriend to either of them until this weekend..

 

OK, we give advice based on our subjective experiences.

 

Probably my issues. I'm so paranoid about my image that I wouldn't sleep with anyone in the same town, let alone same sort-of circle, unless in a long term relationship. Heck, I'd go a couple of states away, if possible, to ensure that history doesn't bite me in the arse somehow, some time....

[Redhead14]

OK, we give advice based on our subjective experiences.

 

Probably my issues. I'm so paranoid about my image that I wouldn't sleep with anyone in the same town, let alone same sort-of circle, unless in a long term relationship. Heck, I'd go a couple of states away, if possible, to ensure that history doesn't bite me in the arse somehow, some time....

 

If it tries to bite me in the arse, they can bite me. Who I date, when I date them, where I date them does not make an image. They do not know what goes on in my life beyond seeing me in public somewhere. They can make all the assumptions, judgements they want. The people who know me well enough know me well enough. The rest of them don't have a clue what I've been through, why I do what I do and it's none of their business until I decide if they should know anything more.

 

And, for the most part, those people who are making judgements, talking about what's going on with me, have possibly more/bigger skeletons.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Redhead14

[beach]

I think you're being strong and smart.

 

IF guy #1 shows back up let him make all the effort to see you this time.

 

Let him drive. Let him plan. And let him make effort to show that he intends to make you his priority. Do not drive to him.

 

I agree he looks like he has commitment issues to work through.

 

It sucks! But I think it looks like you have a healthy boundary and know what not to do (needy).

 

Keep us updated... I bet #1 shows up and tries again. He may wait long enough so you've forgotten what he said - then pop back onto your radar. The usual pattern with commitment phobes.

 

Even when he shows up and asks you out it may be best to first say "let me give it some thought and let you know" that way he understands you don't take his dismissive actions lightly.

 

I'd want to know what he's changed about his perspective if he's shows back up.

[Redhead14]

I think you're being strong and smart.

 

IF guy #1 shows back up let him make all the effort to see you this time.

 

Let him drive. Let him plan. And let him make effort to show that he intends to make you his priority. Do not drive to him.

 

I agree he looks like he has commitment issues to work through.

 

It sucks! But I think it looks like you have a healthy boundary and know what not to do (needy).

 

Keep us updated... I bet #1 shows up and tries again. He may wait long enough so you've forgotten what he said - then pop back onto your radar. The usual pattern with commitment phobes.

 

Even when he shows up and asks you out it may be best to first say "let me give it some thought and let you know" that way he understands you don't take his dismissive actions lightly.

 

I'd want to know what he's changed about his perspective if he's shows back up.

 

If he's waiting until I've forgotten what he's said, he can call me tonight. I'm not spending any time thinking about it beyond talking here. As far as I'm concerned, he will be a new guy I'm dating, if I date him. This is not about anger, this is about letting go if need be and protecting myself.

 

I do think, however, that he does have some kind of commitment issue(s) and is being typical in pulling away a little after this step. I am also thinking it has something to do with the fact that he is retiring in a few months. I get it's a big change in his life. But, he's 61 years old, he can handle things better/differently. I'm showing him that that's what he needs to do.

[beach]

It seems like he really made effort and wanted you until he had a clear understanding that you made that commitment.

 

Then once the agreement was made - he retreated.

 

I always observe - when a guy really wants you NOTHING gets in the way - nothing! And he isn't that guy!

 

Heck, I know a guy who flew to the other coast every single weekend to be with his gal - and the moved her here after a year. That is what guys do when they are interested.

[Redhead14]

It seems like he really made effort and wanted you until he had a clear understanding that you made that commitment.

 

Then once the agreement was made - he retreated.

 

I always observe - when a guy really wants you NOTHING gets in the way - nothing! And he isn't that guy!

 

Heck, I know a guy who flew to the other coast every single weekend to be with his gal - and the moved her here after a year. That is what guys do when they are interested.

 

Yes, I agree, that is what we hope for . . . however that man who flew from the other coast, may not have or had anything else significant going on in his life at the time. Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.

[BluEyeL]

Yes, I agree, that is what we hope for . . . however that man who flew from the other coast, may not have or had anything else significant going on in his life at the time. Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.

Yeah, but it doesn't really matter, why and how. It only matters what he does.

If he has commitment issues, he's not a good partner. He's 61! What is he waiting for at this age?

[beach]

Yes, I agree, that is what we hope for . . . however that man who flew from the other coast, may not have or had anything else significant going on in his life at the time. Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.

 

You're kidding right? He is a millionaire who runs 5 different companies. Very busy man.

 

Don't fool yourself - even busy men make time for a woman they are interested in.

 

He's only one example of about 20 I could give you. All extremely busy and prosperous men. Nothing stops a man who isn't afraid to commit and is open to love.

[Redhead14]

Light has been shed on this situation . . . he told me last night, he has been diagnosed with bladder cancer. Life IS what happens while you're busy making plans.

 

He doesn't know yet if it can be managed or what the course of action will be or whether it's terminal yet.

 

He is scared for sure.

[2nd tyme]

I'm so sorry. This must be difficult to deal with after the death of your fiance.

[Redhead14]

I'm so sorry. This must be difficult to deal with after the death of your fiance.

 

I am stunned. I realize it's about our age group. But, black widow, comes to mind. And that's a selfish thought I know.

[BluEyeL]

So sorry to hear that. That's very sad. I think it is indeed related to your age group, people start having significant health problems. What are you going to do now?

[2nd tyme]

Well, he's going to need emotional support, but with all you've been through don't think you're a horrible person if you don't feel that you can give that to him at this stage.

[Redhead14]

Well, he's going to need emotional support, but with all you've been through don't think you're a horrible person if you don't feel that you can give that to him at this stage.

 

Yes, I know that. I am strong enough to do it and I have some important insight.

 

However, I am not sure I want to or should be a big source of support for him only because going through such a difficult thing will bond us in a way that may cloud my judgement for the future. In other words, I may feel like I've fallen in love with him down the road, when in fact, it's just that we've shared this trauma. Am I making sense in how I worded this?

[Redhead14]

Yes, I know that. I am strong enough to do it and I have some important insight.

 

However, I am not sure I want to or should be a big source of support for him only because going through such a difficult thing will bond us in a way that may cloud my judgement for the future. In other words, I may feel like I've fallen in love with him down the road, when in fact, it's just that we've shared this trauma. Am I making sense in how I worded this?

 

I have entered "protection mode".

[Redhead14]

Good news! He has a small tumor on the bladder. It's been caught early. It can be removed easily followed by a short course of chemo.

 

We have entered exclusivity again. I realize things have been taken a little off track by this so we've kinda hit the reset button.

 

However, we are still only seeing each other once a week due to his work schedule and I totally understand. Even my schedule is tight. But, I do want more time with him and now playing that little head game we all play when we are "in to" a guy

 

I told him last night that I really enjoy the time we spend together and that it passes so quickly. He agreed and said I gotta figure out a way to get out earlier when we're getting together and that all day today all he could think of was getting out of work to see me. I was happy to hear him say that much. But will he do it? That is the first little signal I've given him about that situation. I'm not going to mention it again for a bit.

 

I've imposed a self-limit for this man -- 6 months taking into account all that's been going on. He will likely be laid off shortly (he's a supervisor for the road department paving crew). If he doesn't begin to have and give me more time, I'm moving on. I've been patient and understanding . . . but