Crossroads . . .

[Redhead14]

Ok, now, Guy 1 called me last night to say that he wanted to bump things up a little, i.e. exclusivity. I am not there with him, of course, and given the circumstances, I told him that while I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, however, I started seeing someone on a regular basis and that he happens to know him. He was very gracious, albeit, disappointed. He said "ya snooze, ya loose" and said he understood the discomfort, but he's not that friendly with Guy 2 but knows he's a good guy. We parted ways very nicely.

 

In the meantime, Guy 2, is keeping on track, staying in touch, checking in to see when we can go out again, etc.

 

Along comes Guy 3. He chatted me up a couple of times while I'm at the bowling alley for the league play on Thursdays. He wanted my number and I gave it to him. During one of our conversations, we talked about dating in general. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told him yes, I'm actively dating a couple of guys. None had asked for exclusivity.

 

So, he calls last night as well. He wants to go out next week. NOw I'm back to two, which is not a bad place to be. To me that's a full dance card. I have given my number recently to 1 other guy. If he calls, and I think he might, I'm really on a roll.

 

I'll enjoy it while it's here, because the dry spells suck.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

HA! I bet you may become addicted to two men. Plus you have one to fall back on if things are not so good with the other. Though, number 2 should be either getting closer to closing the deal to be exclusive, which can be limiting you once your addicted. So, do you feel addicted yet??? MWHAHAHAHA!!!

[Redhead14]

HA! I bet you may become addicted to two men. Plus you have one to fall back on if things are not so good with the other. Though, number 2 should be either getting closer to closing the deal to be exclusive, which can be limiting you once your addicted. So, do you feel addicted yet??? MWHAHAHAHA!!!

 

 

I haven't received enough "pure" stuff from anyone yet, but if I get addicted to Guy 2 and he keeps up with providing the "fix", I won't be "jonesin" for another and I'll be all good with being an addict. If that fix goes away, I'll go for the methadone until some really good stuff comes along again

[Redhead14]

This is off topic but has me curious . . . has anyone ever ended up dating someone from these boards? I mean, you get a great sense of who people are here, much more so than from a dating site like Match or E-Harmony, etc. It might be a little odd too though because sometimes we might say something on here that we would never have said in the "real world"

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

This is off topic but has me curious . . . has anyone ever ended up dating someone from these boards? I mean, you get a great sense of who people are here, much more so than from a dating site like Match or E-Harmony, etc. It might be a little odd too though because sometimes we might say something on here that we would never have said in the "real world"

 

No, I have not attempted online dating... though there are plenty of threads here on such things to probably make your redhead spin. Hehehehe!

 

Assuming you have red hair. Jesting to my nature not to believe too much about profiles in general.

 

Though, I did fall in love with an online acquaintance through time, just playing along a board and gradually chatted to end up emailing and what not. So I got to see everything about her and the stuff she may have shared that would not be shared elsewhere.

 

Call me old fashioned, or just very slow, but I tend to think of me as just a bit different, in taking on relationships. As life gives you plenty of time, just many want to have it now than to feel left behind. So, for me I had to wait as everyone around me seemed like they were so far behind. I think 40s to 60s are the best years, as women become more self reliant when single, and know they must have strength in themselves. So I admire seeing what you have, and hope it stays rewarding for you.

[Redhead14]

No, I have not attempted online dating... though there are plenty of threads here on such things to probably make your redhead spin. Hehehehe!

 

Assuming you have red hair. Jesting to my nature not to believe too much about profiles in general.

 

Though, I did fall in love with an online acquaintance through time, just playing along a board and gradually chatted to end up emailing and what not. So I got to see everything about her and the stuff she may have shared that would not be shared elsewhere.

 

Call me old fashioned, or just very slow, but I tend to think of me as just a bit different, in taking on relationships. As life gives you plenty of time, just many want to have it now than to feel left behind. So, for me I had to wait as everyone around me seemed like they were so far behind. I think 40s to 60s are the best years, as women become more self reliant when single, and know they must have strength in themselves. So I admire seeing what you have, and hope it stays rewarding for you.

 

I am indeed a natural redhead. As you know my experience is limited, but I'm thinking I'm having the time of my life right now. I love knowing/understanding what I know now. I realize too that I'm very, very lucky and won't take anything for granted.

 

Yes, I'm having fun dating. But, there are no games. I respect the men I date and I think that comes through somehow because the men I've been dating have respected me. I've only dated a couple of men who didn't treat me very well and one who started out that way and then realized I didn't deserve to be treated the way he would have and bowed out. He changed his way at least with me. I don't know if he picked it back up with others after me.

 

Nevertheless, you have to be happy being single and with yourself because dating/looking for it elsewhere, doesn't replace it, it should enhance it. It's not easy to find that but then nothing you get easily has much value.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I am indeed a natural redhead. As you know my experience is limited, but I'm thinking I'm having the time of my life right now. I love knowing/understanding what I know now. I realize too that I'm very, very lucky and won't take anything for granted.

 

Yes, I'm having fun dating. But, there are no games. I respect the men I date and I think that comes through somehow because the men I've been dating have respected me. I've only dated a couple of men who didn't treat me very well and one who started out that way and then realized I didn't deserve to be treated the way he would have and bowed out. He changed his way at least with me. I don't know if he picked it back up with others after me.

 

Nevertheless, you have to be happy being single and with yourself because dating/looking for it elsewhere, doesn't replace it, it should enhance it. It's not easy to find that but then nothing you get easily has much value.

 

That is so true... again, you know what you want and know better than to except no less than what you deserve. As long as you keep honest, and open in discussion of both needs and wants with the men you date, they should not be disheartened in how things play out.

[Redhead14]

Guy1 is pouring it on now. He said he had been hesitant in the beginning because of his schedule and that he hadn't dated anyone in a couple of years, but as time has gone by and we have had a ton of fun together, he's been thinking about me a lot. He said he backed off too because of Guy2. Truth is though . . . he's been keeping in touch more often and we have gone out a few times and he sent me flowers, since Guy2 came into the picture and after Guy2 and I became intimate.

 

Guy1 says he wants more time with me and will make time and that it will be easier because winter is coming. Work drops off in the winter. I don't have any commitment from Guy2. As far as I'm concerned I can date other people, just not have sex with them. If it gets to the point with, say Guy1, where that will happen, I'm really at a crossroads. I didn't expect this kind of thing to happen.

 

In the meantime, Guy2 has said a couple of things that have put me off a little. He seems like he's getting clingy now. I saw him yesterday for about an hour. Had quick dinner, that's all. But he mentioned something about me not answering his texts very quickly yesterday (I was swamped at work and did answer within an hour) and then he was talking about going to South Carolina to visit family and that he might check into the job market down there because the building industry is really booming down there and he's not thrilled with where he's at. I said, that'd be cool if he found something really good down there. He said, "you'd let me go that easily"? I was like, uh, um, yeah. He seemed really disappointed. So now, I'm really torn. It's so early with both of them, but both seem worth the "effort".

 

This isn't how multi-dating is sposed to go Usually, they drop off one at a time, you have a back up, until eventually, one steps up to the plate. Usually you don't have two stepping up

 

I am not exactly sure what my question is . . . but it's a dilemma, not a bad one, really. I could drop Guy2 without much difficulty. I really liked Guy1 from the beginning but didn't think it would go anywhere and kept moving forward in dating like you're supposed to. But he's doing everything right now and is aware of Guy2. He knows there's no commitment. He said if there was a commitment, he'd have gone away altogether.

[BluEyeL]

It's time to choose and define your relationships. Multidating is fine for the first 5-7 dates max, youve gone too long, going on 3 months now.

 

Have a discussion with Guy 2 about what you are. If there is no commitment and you are not ready to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, and you like guy 1, end it. If you decide to be together, be together.

 

Which one is the one unemployed?

 

You don't seem to be clear on what you want. Define that first, what you want, who you like and make that decision without worrying about losing.

 

I multidated too, but not that far in!! I had to choose at some point, and I did. You'll have to do that too, not let them decide, like for you it doesn't matter who you are with.

 

Good luck, make smart choices!

[Redhead14]

It's time to choose and define your relationships. Multidating is fine for the first 5-7 dates max, youve gone too long, going on 3 months now.

 

Have a discussion with Guy 2 about what you are. If there is no commitment and you are not ready to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, and you like guy 1, end it. If you decide to be together, be together.

 

Which one is the one unemployed?

 

You don't seem to be clear on what you want. Define that first, what you want, who you like and make that decision without worrying about losing.

 

I multidated too, but not that far in!! I had to choose at some point, and I did. You'll have to do that too, not let them decide, like for you it doesn't matter who you are with.

 

Good luck, make smart choices!

 

Yeah, it's far in for sure, with Guy2, but not far enough in to say "he's the one". However, I haven't spent as much time with Guy1 in that time, but the times we've spent together have been quality time and he is now saying he is willing to give more to a potential relationship. Guy2 seems like he wants more but hasn't asked me. He's just giving indications and, not in a good way, that he thinks it's more. He's unemployed. But actively searching and exploring all options. The other weird thing is that with Guy2, now that we've had sex, he seems like it's all about sex. He has become more blatant with touching me in public. Like trying to put his hand up my skirt, etc. I don't like that kind of thing in public. That's disrespectful. It's as though he's changed in that regard. I don't mind a kiss, a hug, hand on knee, but that's too much. He wasn't like this in the beginning. Perhaps, true colors appearing.

 

I'm kinda thinking that Guy1 is now saying he wants more but in my mind has to prove it. In other words, if he actually does make more time for me, say he makes dates with me this week and/or weekend and again the following week, I'd cut Guy2 lose.

 

I won't sleep with both of them, that's for sure. Yes, it's been about 3 months but dates with Guy 1 were really stretched out in between and not that much contact in between until recently.

 

Now that I've said all this other stuff about Guy2, I'm already leaning toward cutting him loose. He's making me uncomfortable.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah, you don't know if he's the one, it will take 2-3 years!! But the time you've shared is more than enough to become exclusive, or cut bait.

 

You should have a discussion with Guy 2 and define the relationship. If you don't like him though, no discussion needed. Tell him that you enjoyed your time together but ultimately decided you two are not a match and wish him well.

[Redhead14]

Yeah, you don't know if he's the one, it will take 2-3 years!! But the time you've shared is more than enough to become exclusive, or cut bait.

 

You should have a discussion with Guy 2 and define the relationship. If you don't like him though, no discussion needed. Tell him that you enjoyed your time together but ultimately decided you two are not a match and wish him well.

 

Yeah, I know how to handle it and can do it. The trouble is I do like him. I just need Guy1 to make it clear to me that it's worth doing that for him. I'd be happy with either one, for now at least.

 

I "chose" Guy2 because he was doing/saying pretty much everything right and Guy 1 was straggling. That's the way I should have handled it and usually when they are straggling and you move forward, the rest happens naturally. And, usually, if someone were straggling, I would not have looked back. But I really liked him and didn't want to leave it behind in the first place but figured I had to. They usually don't come back or step things up like this.

 

At this point, they are equal in terms of my interest in them. And that's weird because I've spent more time with Guy 2 and yet Guy 1 is neck and neck. It's all gut for me about Guy 1. I think he'd be good for me without even having spent as much time with him.

 

I'm going to wait it out for 2 weeks. If Guy 1 makes regular dates this week and next and keeps up communication, I'll have a direct conversation with him about what he wants in terms of his dating goals. I know he couldn't say he wants a relationship with me yet . . . but is that at least an overall goal of his. If he says yes, I'll cut Guy 2 loose.

[Ruffian1]

Interesting discussion.

 

 

Just curious, what are the ages of Guy 1, 2 and 3?

[Redhead14]

Interesting discussion.

 

 

Just curious, what are the ages of Guy 1, 2 and 3?

 

Guy 1 is 61 and retiring in the Spring, guy 2 is 59. There isn't a guy 3 anymore. We weren't a good match at all.

[Redhead14]

Last night Guy2 brought up whether we were exclusive. I told him it was a little fast for me to go there. He knew I was seeing someone else and that I haven't been intimate with anyone else. He said let's just keep dating without sex for a while but if/when we do that again, it will be about exclusivity. So basically for him, the reset button has been set. That's a pretty big gesture on his part! And, big points too. He said he should have had that conversation with me prior. He feels like sex seals the deal when dating. That is a departure from the "norm" nowadays. I said, so since I've slept with you without that conversation, does that make me a loose woman in your mind? He said, no not at all. You didn't sleep with me on the first date or even third date and you're not sleeping with other people either. He said even if you did sleep with someone else, I know it wouldn't be a first date thing or an ONS. You seem to wait until you are comfortable enough with the person to do it. Not randomly. I said, thanks. I appreciate that. He said he might date someone else too, but at the moment doesn't have another real interest, although there is someone he thought he might ask out but hasn't because he thinks she already has a boyfriend and he hasn't really had a good opportunity to talk with her. I said, Ok, that's fair. We have talked about our dating goals overall and we both want a committed relationship at whatever point that happens with someone, so we were on the same page there.

 

The fact I like them both almost equally even though the "attention" level is not balanced is confusing. Guy1 was upfront about his schedule in the beginning and said at one point that he would not have even bothered to ask me out if he didn't know that his schedule would be freeing up and that he is so close to retirement. This winter he's freed up. He's retiring in June, so spring/early summer schedule will heat up again, but he said he'd have weekends for me at least. He said he did ask me out when he did because he felt like he needed to strike while the iron was hot, meaning our schedules lined up only a couple of times so that the opportunity was there when it was there. He rarely was able to go to J's so he didn't know when/if he would even see me again to ask me out. He says he's wanted to be in better touch in the past but wanted to manage his expectations and mine in the meantime. So now that things are working out the way he'd hoped, he's been in contact almost daily and setting up more dates. If he didn't tell me this early on, I might have assumed he was a stringer. I kinda flip flopped on that along the way anyway. He is coming to cheer me on in bowling tomorrow and we are going out on Saturday. He knows, of course, about Guy2 (not about sleeping together though) too. I told him that I was not exclusive with Guy2. He said, obviously :0 I don't think you would play around like that.

 

It's not often a woman has a dating smorgasborg . . . but when you are at a smorgasborg, you don't have to choose between the chicken or the beef, you get to try them both.

 

It would also not be healthy or fair to stick with Guy2 until I'm sure. Carrots and celery are both healthy. I just don't want the celery yet because of the strings.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Redhead14

[BluEyeL]

If not decisive maybe you lose both. Make a decision. Three months is not early to be exclusive. If a guy was doing this we might have labeled him a player. Maybe Guy 2 is bad in bed, what do I know...

[Redhead14]

If not decisive maybe you lose both. Make a decision. Three months is not early to be exclusive. If a guy was doing this we might have labeled him a player. Maybe Guy 2 is bad in bed, what do I know...

 

It hasn't been 3 months of dating with Guy2. It's only been a hair over a month. I started seeing Guy1 three months ago but the dates were spread far apart. I decided to leave Guy1 in the background and move forward in dating. Guy1 was upfront about his schedule, etc. and assured me he wasn't seeing anyone else and I believe him. Now things are working out for him the way he expected and is in a position to advance things with me. Guy 1 was upfront from the beginning and told me it may seem like he's stringing me along, but assured me he's not. He brought that up himself, not me.

 

I'm not a player and neither are these guys. They aren't sleeping with other people nor seeing other people. I've only slept with Guy2 and no one else since my fiance passed away a year and half ago. He wasn't bad in bed

 

It sure wouldn't be healthy not to explore my options, especially since I happen to have options. It wouldn't be fair to Guy2 or me at all, if I stick it out with him without being sure.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Redhead14

[BluEyeL]

OK so just a month then it's fine. Then let Guy 2 go. It seems that you're keeping him as an option, but you like Guy 1 more. Anyway, what do I know.. Good luck to you. It's great you have options.

 

It's just not my style, I date differently, so it's kinda hard to approve. I only multidate BEFORE I have sex, for up to 7 dates max, and I only have sex after exclusivity has been established, which means I already agreed to be exclusive and I don't know if he's the one but I'm willing to date only him and find out, cutting off my other options. So I'll bow out of this. I understand you've backtracked with Guy 2, but to me, it's all too complicated.

Edited October 22, 2014 by BluEyeL

[Redhead14]

OK so just a month then it's fine. Then let Guy 2 go. It seems that you're keeping him as an option, but you like Guy 1 more. Anyway, what do I know.. Good luck to you. It's great you have options.

 

I would agree with you that Guy 2 is just about an "option" if I hadn't been upfront with him and he has essentially given me space and willing to just date me for a while longer. Even he will admit that it could change for him given a little more time. He is apparently a man who puts a lot of emotional investment into sleeping with a woman. That's kinda rare. I do need some sense of comfort and know someone a little bit better before I sleep with them, but do keep my emotional investment a little bit lower. That's also kinda rare for a woman. I could have slept with him and he could have said "see ya". I didn't know this would happen.

 

This will all be resolved pretty soon. I've set a time limit. Guy 1 needs to demonstrate and continue to do so for the next couple of weeks. If it doesn't come together soon, my decision will be easy.

[BluEyeL]

I would agree with you that Guy 2 is just about an "option" if I hadn't been upfront with him and he has essentially given me space and willing to just date me for a while longer. Even he will admit that it could change for him given a little more time. He is apparently a man who puts a lot of emotional investment into sleeping with a woman. That's kinda rare. I do need some sense of comfort and know someone a little bit better before I sleep with them, but do keep my emotional investment a little bit lower. That's also kinda rare for a woman. I could have slept with him and he could have said "see ya". I didn't know this would happen.

 

This will all be resolved pretty soon. I've set a time limit. Guy 1 needs to demonstrate and continue to do so for the next couple of weeks. If it doesn't come together soon, my decision will be easy.

Yeah...not my style, but good luck for the next couple of weeks.

[Redhead14]

I would also say not my style usually, however, this is not usual and the factors are such that it makes it not as cut and dried as in most cases such as this.

[Redhead14]

Guy 1 is #1 now. Moving on from Guy 2. He's becoming too much of a project, being pissy over little things, almost abusive last night Guy 1 has picked up big time already. He took the day off today for personal errands. Wants to have lunch with me and coming to cheer me on in my bowling league tonight. Calls almost every night, texts during the day. Made plans for this weekend with me. Going dancing in the city.

 

The gut is usually right. Normally, I would have passed on him and never looked back, but there was just this little voice saying, hang tight. Still no guarantee, but it's nice to have the opportunity to find out if it could work. I'm not accepting any more dates from anyone for a while now.

 

Even if it doesn't go anywhere with #1, I'll need time to process all this. These guys have kinda kept me on a little bit of a high. If Guy #1 doesn't work out, I'll be somewhat deflated, not devastated. Give myself a little time to regroup, clear my head and then forge on.

[Redhead14]

Guy 1 is #1 now. Moving on from Guy 2. He's becoming too much of a project, being pissy over little things, almost abusive last night Guy 1 has picked up big time already. He took the day off today for personal errands. Wants to have lunch with me and coming to cheer me on in my bowling league tonight. Calls almost every night, texts during the day. Made plans for this weekend with me. Going dancing in the city.

 

The gut is usually right. Normally, I would have passed on him and never looked back, but there was just this little voice saying, hang tight. Still no guarantee, but it's nice to have the opportunity to find out if it could work. I'm not accepting any more dates from anyone for a while now.

 

Even if it doesn't go anywhere with #1, I'll need time to process all this. These guys have kinda kept me on a little bit of a high. If Guy #1 doesn't work out, I'll be somewhat deflated, not devastated. Give myself a little time to regroup, clear my head and then forge on.

 

Well, we had a four hour lunch Friday night at his house. Fire in the fireplace, nice dinner. Saturday we both had plans and he had plans with his brother on Sunday to cut down some trees and didn't know when he'd be home but that he'd call me. Friday night we had been talking about how we loved the Fall and making crock pot meals, chili, etc. He got up early on Sunday, make a batch of chili, went to church and then to his brother's house. He got home 6:00 pm and called me to say, "hey, if you're not busy, come on up for chili". I said Ok and went up there. We ate, watched football, etc. He blurted out, I know I've only started getting on the stick here, but I'm serious. I know you've been seeing others, but will you put a hold on that for me? I said, yes, I already have . . .

 

YOu just never know how/when things will happen. I'm very happy to have this opportunity to really get to know him. He's sweet as hell. This one has real potential inspite of it's slow start. Slow is not always bad, but when it does go that way, it lasts the longest

[Redhead14]

I told Guy 2 I was moving on. He said he understood and was gracious about it and faded away. It's been almost 2 weeks and now he's re-surfaced. I've told him I've accepted exclusivity with the other man. Guy 2 says, well, that's not the same as commitment and asked some questions which are none of his business and I said I wouldn't continue the conversation. ONe of the questions was whether I had slept with my #1 yet. I didn't answer, but I have not slept with him yet although it's going to happen soon.

 

Now he's being relentless. Ugh. I blocked his number. But he came to the place we both hang out last night. He sat with me while I had dinner and we were friendly but it was uncomfortable. I've dated a couple of other guys from there, and all is well when we see each other there. This one just doesn't get it.

 

I will be hard nosed about this if I have to be. I just don't want to have to be.

[Redhead14]

Well, here is a case where you stick to your boundaries, watch actions and words, let things progress naturally, get to the point you hope to arrive at, at least by a certain point, and it goes south.

 

I've kinda diaried the development of the dating pattern with this guy in this thread. A couple of weeks ago, he said he made chili for me and that he had something he wanted to say/ask. I went up there and we had a really wonderful evening. Before dinner was ready, he was really nervous and finally blurted out that he didn't want to date anyone else and we hoping I wouldn't either. I was, of course, very happy to hear that and I said, I don't want to date anyone else either.

 

So, great, right? After dinner, we did the dishes talked, kissed, watched a little TV, started making out and then you know what

 

This past weekend, I went up there Friday night. Saturday morning we spent the morning in bed, it was rainy and windy, nice day for that. He got up later, went to the deli, got coffee and bagels. We had breakfast and relaxed. I said, I needed to go home, get cleaned up, run a couple of errands. He said, ok, you do that stuff and let's meet for dinner at the new place at 5 30 and then come back up here. So that's what we did.

 

Sunday morning, he tells me to stay in bed and chill, he went to church and brought back breakfast again. We ate, relaxed and then I went home to do laundry and give him time to relax for the rest of the day. He's got a tough work schedule and likes down time on Sundays.

 

Anyway, we text a little Monday and Tuesday. Last night he calls, is a little buzzed and basically says he's scared and needs a little space. I'm like, there's the manspeak for I got what I wanted, see ya. At the same time, the way the weekend had gone, it seemed like he was sincere about what he said. I said, OK, you take the time you need but exclusivity is void now. I was not whiny, clingy. I didn't ask any questions, I made my statement and we said good night.

 

Now, this is not really uncommon, men and women will sometimes pull away after they've made a step forward to a relationship, so I wasn't really all that surprised. What I was surprised about was the way he put it. Maybe it's just because he had been drinking, but putting it that way and given the timing, I'm doubtful he'll be coming around again. He might, but I've already made it clear I'm not going to be in a holding pattern for very long.

 

I've been dating this man for 4 months. We hadn't had sex and he didn't know that I wanted exclusivity before sex. I was careful not to tip my hand about that subject. It started out slowly and he started picking up the pace nicely, saying and doing lots of things right, at least in the ways that made me feel comfortable.

 

I'm going to play it by ear through the weekend. I'm not going to call him or text him. If I'm asked for a date by someone else I'm interested in, I'll go. If I don't hear from him at all by the end of next week, I'm moving on altogether.

 

I am willing to wait a little while for him, I like him very much. I"m hoping he did this because he was having a bad day and was drinking. But, now that the fog of endorphins and infatuation has lifted a little, things are going to come out. Maybe this is all about something in his past, whatever.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Redhead14