death in MM's family

[truncated]

Omg, what is wrong with me... I thought I was doing okay. Two days after his break talk, I saw him briefly, which was odd because he hasn't come inside in weeks, but he was talking to someone else and it looked like he might not even acknowledge me so I kinda slipped away before he fully noticed I was there. Couple days later, he was late, he's never late. Then the day that I normally would call him, I didn't call or text.

 

So far so good, right...

 

But then I tortured myself today by checking his page and he's rubbing my face in it again. He checked into the place that I always go to that I've been asking him to go with me; a place that he can't go to without automatically thinking about me because I've talked about it so much. And then adding salt to the wound by selecting the feeling happy.

 

It hurts because I wanted to be the one to make him happy, but he's happy that he got rid of me?

 

And it's hard because part of me wants to be difficult and make it so that he can't get rid of me so easily and the other part of me is just like keep ignoring him, don't call or text, let him feel the loss because I know I am the better choice. I loved him for exactly who he is, I didn't start showering with him attention because someone died like she did, I accepted him unconditionally all along. I don't want to be a vindictive person, I just want things back to the way there were :-\ Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this...

 

It sounds like you are beause it hurts, and like most people will do when confronting somehting hurtful, you are trying to avoid the pain of facing up to the reality of your situtaion.

 

t sounds like he's being cruel to you. is that really the kind of person you want in your life?

[FusionCutter]

Why would you keep torturing yourself? Why would you keep hurting yourself? Why do you do this to yourself?

[whichwayisup]

Omg, what is wrong with me... I thought I was doing okay. Two days after his break talk, I saw him briefly, which was odd because he hasn't come inside in weeks, but he was talking to someone else and it looked like he might not even acknowledge me so I kinda slipped away before he fully noticed I was there. Couple days later, he was late, he's never late. Then the day that I normally would call him, I didn't call or text.

 

So far so good, right...

 

But then I tortured myself today by checking his page and he's rubbing my face in it again. He checked into the place that I always go to that I've been asking him to go with me; a place that he can't go to without automatically thinking about me because I've talked about it so much. And then adding salt to the wound by selecting the feeling happy.

 

It hurts because I wanted to be the one to make him happy, but he's happy that he got rid of me?

 

And it's hard because part of me wants to be difficult and make it so that he can't get rid of me so easily and the other part of me is just like keep ignoring him, don't call or text, let him feel the loss because I know I am the better choice. I loved him for exactly who he is, I didn't start showering with him attention because someone died like she did, I accepted him unconditionally all along. I don't want to be a vindictive person, I just want things back to the way there were :-\ Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this...

He is going on with his life and I honestly think your affair with him is over, he's just hoping you'll figure it out by the way he's treating you and tell him goodbye. His actions show you he doesn't care.

 

And, don't be that crazy OW who stalks him, makes life difficult. You'll end up with a retraining order against you.

 

Be strong, find a good therapist to talk to and go on with your life. Leave him be.

[jellybean89]

Am I the only person over 20 years old who doesn't "check in" on FB?

 

Scarlet, stop doing this to yourself. Stop stalking his FB. Stop trying to get him to pick you. Stop obsessing over this loser.

 

Dig deep..find your dignity and self respect and block him and all his family members on FB so you will stop looking.

 

Grieve and be sad...but then pick yourself up and move forward.

[FusionCutter]

There's 11 pages of good solid advice, but most of it seems to be ignored.

 

I repeat, there's not a single poster that thought it would be a good idea for the OP to stay where she's at.

[Scarlet2]

It's not ignored. I read every comment. I don't have to obey the advice. Give me some credit, I haven't contacted him at all since his break conversation. I'm not a complete lost cause.

[whichwayisup]

It's not ignored. I read every comment. I don't have to obey the advice. Give me some credit, I haven't contacted him at all since his break conversation. I'm not a complete lost cause.

 

What is it that you wish to happen? The affair to continue? For him to leave and divorce his wife, then be with you, one day you two get married?

 

What else do you have going on in your life to keep you busy?

 

I don't believe you're a lost cause though I do think that you're stuck and too scared to make a final decision to just say F-it and walk away, end your affair.

 

NO good is coming from it anymore. It served it purpose and the expire date is now.

[georgia girl]

Omg, what is wrong with me...

 

And it's hard because part of me wants to be difficult and make it so that he can't get rid of me so easily and the other part of me is just like keep ignoring him, don't call or text, let him feel the loss because I know I am the better choice. I loved him for exactly who he is, I didn't start showering with him attention because someone died like she did, I accepted him unconditionally all along. I don't want to be a vindictive person, I just want things back to the way there were :-\ Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this...

 

Scarlet,

 

I took out the parts in between because I really feel compelled to address this paragraph. This is extremely unhealthy and is stalker-like. You cannot control if someone wants you in their life but to not respect their bounderies because your feelings are so strong is downright unhealthy. Stay away from him and more importantly, get counseling to help yourself heal. This way of thinking can get messy fast. Not just restraining orders either.

 

Seriously, please seek help.

[still_an_Angel]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you Scarlet, you seem such a nice person and absolutely worthy of a guy who is ready and able to love you back the way it should be between two people in love.

 

This A has run its course, you know this yet you keep fighting it. Maybe it will help for you to use all the cruel things he is doing to you to find that anger in you and move on with your life. Look forward to tomorrow with new hope that there is someone wonderful for you.

 

((hugs to you))

Angel

[Scarlet2]

I saw him today, it was unavoidable and expected so I tried to prepare for it. Don't be infatuated, be cordial. He has indeed aged so much in such a short time but my eyes couldn't look away when he would look at me and I just soaked him in for as long as I could. Needless to say, I didn't do a good job at being indifferent. He kept eye contact with me too, we couldn't say much since we weren't alone but then eventually he turned away and started getting demanding so that he could do the paperwork he needed to do and leave. Maybe I am the temptation after all.

 

I still haven't sent any texts and I haven't called him but after seeing him today I want to call him so bad. I miss him but I keep repeating if he wanted to talk or see me, he will do it on his own. Stop chasing him...

 

I still wish I knew what was going on in his life that makes him say "it's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just that I don't want to tell you right now". If he wanted to focus back on his marriage, why not just tell me. In case it doesn't work out, I'm the backup plan?? If a MM is reading this and you decide to end your A without a discovery day, please tell your OW your intentions, please don't do what mine is doing... It doesn't even matter if the truth hurts, the not knowing hurts worse. I over think, over analyze, create problems that don't even exist... It ain't no wonder he left, I'm a mess.

[FusionCutter]

I saw him today, it was unavoidable and expected so I tried to prepare for it. Don't be infatuated, be cordial. He has indeed aged so much in such a short time but my eyes couldn't look away when he would look at me and I just soaked him in for as long as I could. Needless to say, I didn't do a good job at being indifferent. He kept eye contact with me too, we couldn't say much since we weren't alone but then eventually he turned away and started getting demanding so that he could do the paperwork he needed to do and leave. Maybe I am the temptation after all.

 

I still haven't sent any texts and I haven't called him but after seeing him today I want to call him so bad. I miss him but I keep repeating if he wanted to talk or see me, he will do it on his own. Stop chasing him...

 

I still wish I knew what was going on in his life that makes him say "it's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just that I don't want to tell you right now". If he wanted to focus back on his marriage, why not just tell me. In case it doesn't work out, I'm the backup plan?? If a MM is reading this and you decide to end your A without a discovery day, please tell your OW your intentions, please don't do what mine is doing... It doesn't even matter if the truth hurts, the not knowing hurts worse. I over think, over analyze, create problems that don't even exist... It ain't no wonder he left, I'm a mess.

 

You just have to accept it and move on. Look at it this way. In some strange way you know more about his intentions than his clueless wife. The same mechanism that blocks himself from revealing the truth to himself and his wife is the same that blocks him from the truth to you.

 

 

You gotta let it go. Otherwise you won't be able to make peace. Stop thinking it's his circumstances that causes him to be the way he is. It's his character.

[Lurkeraspect]

I saw him today, it was unavoidable and expected so I tried to prepare for it. Don't be infatuated, be cordial. He has indeed aged so much in such a short time but my eyes couldn't look away when he would look at me and I just soaked him in for as long as I could. Needless to say, I didn't do a good job at being indifferent. He kept eye contact with me too, we couldn't say much since we weren't alone but then eventually he turned away and started getting demanding so that he could do the paperwork he needed to do and leave. Maybe I am the temptation after all.

 

I still haven't sent any texts and I haven't called him but after seeing him today I want to call him so bad. I miss him but I keep repeating if he wanted to talk or see me, he will do it on his own. Stop chasing him...

 

I still wish I knew what was going on in his life that makes him say "it's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just that I don't want to tell you right now". If he wanted to focus back on his marriage, why not just tell me. In case it doesn't work out, I'm the backup plan?? If a MM is reading this and you decide to end your A without a discovery day, please tell your OW your intentions, please don't do what mine is doing... It doesn't even matter if the truth hurts, the not knowing hurts worse. I over think, over analyze, create problems that don't even exist... It ain't no wonder he left, I'm a mess.

 

How much more of your life are you going to waste longing for this man who is never leaving his marriage and life for you? He is afraid of you. Not in love with you, AFRAID. You are a loose cannon, he knows it, and just throws you snippets of attention to keep you entranced with him, and to keep you quiet and compliant. He knows that if he tells you to your face that he's DONE with you, you'll blow his world up. We know it here (you've said as much) and he knows it too.

 

You're wasting your time and your life for a fantasy. Please see him for exactly what he is...a cheating, loser. Nothing more, nothing less.

[whichwayisup]

I saw him today, it was unavoidable and expected so I tried to prepare for it. Don't be infatuated, be cordial. He has indeed aged so much in such a short time but my eyes couldn't look away when he would look at me and I just soaked him in for as long as I could. Needless to say, I didn't do a good job at being indifferent. He kept eye contact with me too, we couldn't say much since we weren't alone but then eventually he turned away and started getting demanding so that he could do the paperwork he needed to do and leave. Maybe I am the temptation after all.

Bolded. What do you mean he became demanding?

 

I still haven't sent any texts and I haven't called him but after seeing him today I want to call him so bad. I miss him but I keep repeating if he wanted to talk or see me, he will do it on his own. Stop chasing him...

Good that you haven't reached out to him. Remember, respect his wishes for you to not contact him.

I still wish I knew what was going on in his life that makes him say "it's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just that I don't want to tell you right now".

 

When people say this, it's a polite way of saying what's going on is none of your business and I don't want to tell you. Respect his privacy and don't go fishing or trying to figure it out. He needs his space and wants distance.

 

If he wanted to focus back on his marriage, why not just tell me. In case it doesn't work out, I'm the backup plan?? If a MM is reading this and you decide to end your A without a discovery day, please tell your OW your intentions, please don't do what mine is doing... It doesn't even matter if the truth hurts, the not knowing hurts worse. I over think, over analyze, create problems that don't even exist... It ain't no wonder he left, I'm a mess.

 

You must start to get busy and focus on your own life.

 

Honestly, if you don't like how things are, you can walk away at any time and end it once and for all. You're keeping yourself there by wishing and waiting and hoping. His actions many times and how he's treated you IS telling you it's over but you're not 'hearing' it.

 

If he actually said the words, "it's over, please leave me alone, don't contact me, don't call me, don't email, don't text and don't speak to me at work" would you then put him out of your head and let go, grieve the loss and accept your A is over? Please think about this. He has said the above just minus it's over part. The actions say it all.

[Scarlet2]

You just have to accept it and move on. Look at it this way. In some strange way you know more about his intentions than his clueless wife. The same mechanism that blocks himself from revealing the truth to himself and his wife is the same that blocks him from the truth to you.

 

 

You gotta let it go. Otherwise you won't be able to make peace. Stop thinking it's his circumstances that causes him to be the way he is. It's his character.

 

You are right, I do keep pushing it to circumstance instead of character.

[Scarlet2]

Bolded. What do you mean he became demanding?

 

Good that you haven't reached out to him. Remember, respect his wishes for you to not contact him.

 

When people say this, it's a polite way of saying what's going on is none of your business and I don't want to tell you. Respect his privacy and don't go fishing or trying to figure it out. He needs his space and wants distance.

 

You must start to get busy and focus on your own life.

 

Honestly, if you don't like how things are, you can walk away at any time and end it once and for all. You're keeping yourself there by wishing and waiting and hoping. His actions many times and how he's treated you IS telling you it's over but you're not 'hearing' it.

 

If he actually said the words, "it's over, please leave me alone, don't contact me, don't call me, don't email, don't text and don't speak to me at work" would you then put him out of your head and let go, grieve the loss and accept your A is over? Please think about this. He has said the above just minus it's over part. The actions say it all.

 

Demanding, as in he got impatient because I was kinda stalling for time; he doesn't like being there to begin with, regardless if I were there or not, so I was technically making him stay longer than he wanted because I wasn't rushing. Which was what he had complained about when he told me he wanted a break, that I don't "obey" at first command, the whole having to be forceful before I finally listen. I guess I failed again :-/ I know it doesn't matter what his W does or doesn't do but there's no way that she does everything at first command, so why am I getting him annoyed...

 

Yes, I would accept it if he said it's over, just like how he said he wanted the break and I'm leaving him alone, but because he asked me to give him time, that still gives me hope. Plus the fact that there's no way his marriage is fixed just because his dad died, it's only a matter of time before the cracks reappear.

 

I really am trying to move forward but yes I still want to be with him so it's a tug of war. Eventually I'll get to the enough is enough part and maybe an unattached guy will come along that I like better than him but it's not time yet.

[Scarlet2]

How much more of your life are you going to waste longing for this man who is never leaving his marriage and life for you? He is afraid of you. Not in love with you, AFRAID. You are a loose cannon, he knows it, and just throws you snippets of attention to keep you entranced with him, and to keep you quiet and compliant. He knows that if he tells you to your face that he's DONE with you, you'll blow his world up. We know it here (you've said as much) and he knows it too.

 

You're wasting your time and your life for a fantasy. Please see him for exactly what he is...a cheating, loser. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I don't know. I know I have wasted so much time already. And if he is afraid of me, I would think he would be nicer to me or lead me on more so that I wouldn't blow up. Anyone else probably would have blown up his world by now if he treated them like me.

[whatatangledweb]

Plus the fact that there's no way his marriage is fixed just because his dad died, it's only a matter of time before the cracks reappear.

 

 

His father's death may not have changed his marriage but it could have changed him. The way he sees his wife and family. A changed person works to fix the cracks not make them worse.

 

I can see why he got impatient. He told you he wanted a break and you were there stalling for time. He could see that and wanted to leave.

[FusionCutter]

You are right, I do keep pushing it to circumstance instead of character.

 

I am now gently going to ask you to look at your own character. By choosing to engage him any further or spend any more energy to him at the cost of disrespect to his wife, what does that say about your character?

 

Don't worry about him, worry about yourself. Think about it, okay? Just because he's a bad man doesn't mean you have to be a bad person too. Respect yourself and his wife - let this guy go, he's not worth it. Everyone can see it except you and his wife (hell it's not even fair for her). Stop thinking about him and think about her (she's innocent) and think about yourself.

[Lurkeraspect]

I don't know. I know I have wasted so much time already. And if he is afraid of me, I would think he would be nicer to me or lead me on more so that I wouldn't blow up. Anyone else probably would have blown up his world by now if he treated them like me.

 

Scarlet...

 

He has you all figured out. He is just nice enough to keep you at bay and wanting more, and distant enough to keep you guessing, and hoping. Can you not see that? He throws you crumbs, keeps you interested because he knows as long as he does that you think there is a chance with him, and will keep quiet. I don't think you can see this (or can, but deny it) because you are so into winning this man. You believe and hold on to any shred of hope.

 

Want to find out his intentions and commitment to you? Tell his wife. But please be prepared because girl, he's going to launch (not throw) you so far under the bus. Or...continue on, wasting time. This will not change, until you do. I'm sure you're hurting, but if you don't end this, you may be hurting months and/or years down the road. He wants you quiet and will give you whatever crumbs he feels necessary to keep your silence.

 

Nothing will change until you do.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[Scarlet2]

It's easy to calculate the days because it's still fresh but it has now been 9 days since I last physically saw him. When there is a chance to run into him, I've been doing good at avoiding the opportunity. I still have not called or texted, nor has he. I admit I want to send a happy thanksgiving text but I keep telling myself, "don't do it, he could just as easily send me one but he's not, so don't do it."

 

I'm crying even more than I was before and I'm still weak though because I keep checking FB :-/ he's gotten quieter within the last 2 weeks and if he does post, it's stuff like: you can't have both faith and fear; another one was about rash decisions come from fear; and then God's answer might not be what you want to hear, etc. and of course it makes me wonder what it means. Like is he afraid of what I'm going to do since I'm upset, so he's praying harder to be less afraid? Was the rash decision the affair and if so, what was he afraid of that made him do it in the first place? Or is it all something completely different. But I know I shouldn't care what his posts mean so I'm still struggling with that.

 

So I get a passing grade with the NC but still failing with the thinking of him. It takes time.

[beach]

You're doing better!

 

And what if none of his posts are about you? Think about that. I'm sure his posts are about him.

 

Stick to NC. Even if he contacts you today - just don't respond. He's only looking for you to stroke his ego.

 

Stay busy! Movie perhaps?

[whichwayisup]

DO NOT wish him a happy thanksgiving. Stay in NC mode, post here if you feel like contacting him. He hasn't contacted you either so that says a lot.

 

Please try to stay off his fb page. I hope you have it in you to block him.

 

Let yourself cry, better to do that than text him and then have regret when he gets mad that you contacted him. Be with your friends and family , try to enjoy the holiday without thinking of him.

[FusionCutter]

To Feel better: NC

To Feel pain: Contact him

 

The choice is yours.

[Scarlet2]

I stumbled again... Since my last post, I was good and didn't text Happy Thanksgiving. And the days that followed I was keeping up with the no texting and no calling, don't run into him, but then today changed that...

 

I suddenly heard him talking to other people in another room for a good ten minutes. The same man who said "it's not you, I just don't feel like talking to anyone right now, when I arrive I just want to get in and get out". So I'm like, he must be in a talking mood today, maybe I should try my luck but I talked myself out of it and said no, stay away, go somewhere else until he leaves.

 

So I went somewhere else, but I should have stayed where I was and just endured hearing his voice because eventually when he left, he ended up where I had gone to. I was cordial and yes hopeful that maybe he would want to talk to me too like he was with the others because so many times he has made it sound like we are still friends and I miss our rapport, but he didn't stop to talk. I was fine with it, thinking this is what he's been doing before "the break" talk, he just wants to go home, but then someone else stopped him before he left the building and they talked for a while.

 

And then cue the anxiety attack, right. My feelings are hurt. And when I get that way, he's the one who can calm me down but now when we aren't speaking like we used to, I was fighting with myself back and forth, talk to him about this, don't do it, do it, don't. You're being needy, he's going to get mad, stop it.

 

When he finally did leave the building the thoughts switched to call him, don't call him. After about 40 minutes of trying to calm down and get over it, I totally caved and texted him asking if he was busy. He actually responded pretty quick, I was surprised, I was expecting him to ignore it.

 

Anyway, this is rough. It hurts. I still miss him. I want him to be happy but I want to be happy too. And even though he won't tell me anything about what's going on, if I'm assuming correctly and he's avoiding me because he's trying to be a better husband and a better Christian since the death of his dad, if he is resisting temptation, practicing self control, what is the success rate or will they go back to the old patterns that made him stray to begin with? Is this why he tells me to give him time? And is my staying away going to help or hurt? If I was the escape that made his marriage tolerable for him, and then it switched to making her marriage tolerable for her when the aggreviation he had with her ended up transferred onto me, if I'm 100% gone, won't she be getting the brunt of that again, especially if he doesn't have the outlet anymore?

 

The frustrating thing is even though I can be extra sensitive, most of the time if people don't like me, I couldn't care less but it bothers me with him and I want to talk about it.

[beach]

There's nothing to talk about.

 

His actions show you everything he's not saying.

 

 

You are his temptation and he's trying to become a decent man.