death in MM's family

[Scarlet2]

And now he told me he wants me to keep texting him, what is his angle? All that's going to do is still give me nothing and make me look like I'm pursuing him when he doesn't reply.

[beach]

It's one sided. Is a one sided relationship (if you can even call it that) enough for you? I hope not.

 

It's less than being one your own - because texting him sets an expectation that someday he MIGHT text back - but he may never text - and then you're set for disappointment feeling alone and that it's one sided.

 

It seems more useful for you to cut him off knowing he doesn't intend to make effort.

 

Spend time and energy devoted to things that give you equal participation.

 

This MM is selfish and not considering your feelings at all.

 

It's time you considered YOUR feelings and make yourself your priority.

[FusionCutter]

And now he told me he wants me to keep texting him, what is his angle? All that's going to do is still give me nothing and make me look like I'm pursuing him when he doesn't reply.

 

You want to feel better? NC and block him. The continued communication is either to ease his guilt (if he is capable of feeling it), or to string you along.

 

Stop worrying about "his angle" and worry about yours. Put your own needs first. What good do you get from continued contact from him?

[Sassy Girl]

And now he told me he wants me to keep texting him, what is his angle? All that's going to do is still give me nothing and make me look like I'm pursuing him when he doesn't reply.

 

Ego kibbles.

 

 

That's all you are to him. He can't even be bothered returning a message. Tells you everything doesn't it?

 

 

He doesn't even respect you.... probably because you don't even respect yourself enough to end it

[Nattie]

This guy Scarlet.... Just get out. You've said he's overweight, and his wife degrades him for it? He needs an ego boost. While you may love him unconditionally, he only "loves" you when is convenient and he wants to feel good about himself... Having a woman who will crawl to him at the drop of a hat. Dump him, move on, and invest your love and loyalty in someone who will return the favor.

[jellybean89]

And now he told me he wants me to keep texting him, what is his angle? All that's going to do is still give me nothing and make me look like I'm pursuing him when he doesn't reply.

 

So you broke NC?

[Scarlet2]

I was still not texting when he told me and I even had a day when I didn't cry but then this set it off again. Sometimes it's unavoidable for us to run into each other during the week :-/ I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I even ran into one of his church members at a restaurant recently too.

 

I'm not sure he's doing it for ego though because obviously now his wife is giving him lots of attention after the death of his dad, plus him posting he loves that God gave her as his wife and thanking her for being there, his actions have made it clear that he doesn't want or need me so maybe it is guilty conscience that wants him to keep communication open but I doubt it's that.

 

My problem is I keep going back to how much is this behavior because of his dad dying and the constant conflict he's having with the estate, is it really not about me after all, or is it some to do with me since he was being bad before the death? He's having a lot of ups and downs and it's hard for me to be terrible back to someone when they're already knocked down regardless of how they treated me.

 

I just have to keep not texting and try harder to be elusive. Back to hurting and crying...

[whichwayisup]

And now he told me he wants me to keep texting him, what is his angle? All that's going to do is still give me nothing and make me look like I'm pursuing him when he doesn't reply.

 

Be strong, you can do this. Don't text him, something feels off. Listen to your gut.

 

Call some friends, get busy and don't let this ruin you.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Take back control of your life and end it with this man. The pain you're feeling will only get worse and you will continue to lose yourself in this mess until you liberate yourself by standing up and saying, "No more, I'm done" and mean it.

 

You cannot expect different results by repeating the same actions. You, and only you, are responsible for your happiness. The misery you feel now is not caused by man....it's you. You are choosing to stay miserable by remaining in this affair.

 

End the vicious cycle that is this relationship and free yourself.

 

I was still not texting when he told me and I even had a day when I didn't cry but then this set it off again. Sometimes it's unavoidable for us to run into each other during the week :-/ I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I even ran into one of his church members at a restaurant recently too.

 

I'm not sure he's doing it for ego though because obviously now his wife is giving him lots of attention after the death of his dad, plus him posting he loves that God gave her as his wife and thanking her for being there, his actions have made it clear that he doesn't want or need me so maybe it is guilty conscience that wants him to keep communication open but I doubt it's that.

 

My problem is I keep going back to how much is this behavior because of his dad dying and the constant conflict he's having with the estate, is it really not about me after all, or is it some to do with me since he was being bad before the death? He's having a lot of ups and downs and it's hard for me to be terrible back to someone when they're already knocked down regardless of how they treated me.

 

I just have to keep not texting and try harder to be elusive. Back to hurting and crying...

[FusionCutter]

Scarlet2, do you notice that not a single person so far has advised you to stay in your situation? That's because all of us can see it for what it is.

 

Stop living in your own web of lies and stop hurting yourself. The fact that everyone has the same message for you, says a lot. Think about that.

[beach]

What IF he has become that religious and he has accepted that he shouldn't ever have an affair again?

 

It's possible.

 

Yet you keep tempting him like the devil. (I don't mean that to be harsh).

 

So remove his temptation. Remove yourself! Maybe he IS trying to become a better man, husband and citizen and seeing you goes against everything he now believes in.

 

So do you wish to be that temptation that makes him sick and angry at himself?

[Scarlet2]

I touched the flame again. I haven't been texting or calling but I relapsed and called. He answered. He wasn't having a good day to begin with and he said "maybe it's me but everytime I talk to you I get aggravated and then you send me that text saying it's over but you're calling, what kind of mind games are you playing with me?"

 

I was like, what do you mean I sent a text saying it was over? I never said it was over, why did you think that? And he was very specific of the time I sent the text too, repeated it several times, why is that something he would remember? And this would explain one of his posts saying he guessed he was glad you can move on after a month, maybe you moved on a long time ago. I thought it was referencing someone else but maybe it was me after all. Anyway, his response was that maybe he misread my text then and restated that he has too much on his plate and reminded me that he had asked me to give him time. My response was that I thought I was and haven't I been doing everything he has asked me to do but then he said he had to go because he was working. I asked to talk more about this and he hung up without saying anything further.

 

By this time I start thinking about what other stuff might have been being misunderstood this whole entire time, so I got my thoughts together and I called him back about two hours later. He apologized for the way he's been treating me and then he said he wants a break. He's frustrated that when he tells me something, I don't take it as the truth unless he's forceful with me. I assume he wants me not to question his reasons, be subservient, just say okay to what he wants and not try to change his mind. Like when he says he doesn't have time, I'm supposed to take it as face value and not assume it's because he's avoiding me or that he doesn't like me anymore. I'm supposed to believe his words and not the actions. Maybe this is a side effect of his wife always being accusatory so he thinks I'm doing the same thing. But that's why he hung up on me because I tried to keep him on the line instead of saying okay we'll talk later.

 

Then he says he doesn't want me to interpret it the wrong way, that it's not me, it's everything going on in his life. He doesn't tell me everything and that it's not that he doesn't want to tell me, he says he just doesn't want to tell me right now. Then he proceeded to say if he doesn't get out of it, it's going to drive him nuts. So I ask for clarification, if he doesn't get out of what? He didn't say our affair, he just said all the crap going on, he has to get his mind off it and quit talking about it because it's taking over who he is, that it's making him mean and angry. He says there's so much going on with his family and he knows I want to hear about it so that I understand but he's just physically tired. When he gets off work, he just goes home to bed because he is wore out, his mind hurts, his body is tired, he's drained. He feels like everybody is walking on him and he doesn't know how to stop it.

 

So then I ask if I'm walking on him because he said everybody, so if I'm grouped in that, I would like to know what I'm specifically doing to make him feel that way so that I can stop, but he got onto me again saying "this is why it's better to not talk to you sometimes because you take things the wrong way." I tell him I'm just trying to understand because once I think I figure out what you're getting at, then you say something else which contradicts what I thought and then I'm confused again.

 

I asked what does he want me to do to give him time, does he not want me to call him anymore? He said "how about just slow it down a little. I know you think you're helping but your neediness has to stop for a little while, I don't have time for anybody right now."

 

Towards the end of the conversation he said he'd make time, bare with him, give him a couple of more weeks to see where he's at and he'll have more clarity about what's going on. That this is something he hasn't dealt with before, not so much the death but everything else that's going on top of it with his family, that he's trying to deal with it the best he knows how and it hasn't been easy.

 

If I'm supposed to take what he says at face value, he hasn't said it's over, he wants a break, he said I'm not the reason why he's got all this stuff going on his plate, but why would removing me, when I'm barely there as it is, make it better for him? Wouldn't it just keep compounding anyway?

 

At least now I know when I'm quiet it's because he asked me to be and he won't interpret my silence in any other way. I don't feel as conflicted because this is what he asked for and that's what I'm going to be doing...

[MuddyRock]

I honestly cant even think of anything to say because I cannot figure out why you still want to be in this. If this was me I would have said forget it. He obviously doesn't like you for anything other then an ego stroke. Because you are not allowed to talk or say your piece at all without him turning it around on you. Why don't you do him a favor and actually call him back and say hey this isn't good for either of us, lets make it easy for you and officially end thus thing.

[Nattie]

This is difficult to even read. Scarlet, you are desperately reading into every word this guy says, trying to find anything to suggest he's not done with you. You're beating a dead horse to DEATH. Do you eventually want to be labeled the psycho OW, whom he and his W have restraining orders against? Because you're at that fork in the road. I'm not saying you're crazy and stalking him, but if this A were to be discovered, you're definitely going to get the short end of the stick.

[Hope Shimmers]

Scarlet... I am sorry because I know how much this is hurting you.

 

He is frustrated because he is saying he needs time and space from you, and you are not hearing it or accepting it. His conversations with you just serve to push you away more from him because you won't let go. And he wants and needs you to let go.

 

Scarlet, (gently) it is time to let this man go, for good. It's what he wants. If you love him, then let him go.

[Scarlet2]

I know. I can see him saying "if you truly cared about me, you wouldn't have ever let me have an affair with you" whereas I could turn it around on him too saying he shouldn't have asked me if he truly cared about me.

 

I'm giving him his break, I'm not going to talk to him or call him. A break is a breakup after all. I do care about him, that's why I'm giving him what he wants, me out of his life.

[whichwayisup]

I touched the flame again. I haven't been texting or calling but I relapsed and called. He answered. He wasn't having a good day to begin with and he said "maybe it's me but everytime I talk to you I get aggravated and then you send me that text saying it's over but you're calling, what kind of mind games are you playing with me?"

 

He is treating you like shi,t. Death or not in his family, he is treating you very badly. Regardless of the text, the dynamic now is SO unhealthy. Stop. Stop calling him, stop texting him, stop emailing him. He has asked for space, why did you cave? He has told you, you aggravate him. That in itself should be enough - GET mad, get fed up and finally just let go and move on. He isn't interested, a man who is in love and into his OW doesn't treat her like he's treating you.

 

I was like, what do you mean I sent a text saying it was over? I never said it was over, why did you think that? And he was very specific of the time I sent the text too, repeated it several times, why is that something he would remember? And this would explain one of his posts saying he guessed he was glad you can move on after a month, maybe you moved on a long time ago. I thought it was referencing someone else but maybe it was me after all. Anyway, his response was that maybe he misread my text then and restated that he has too much on his plate and reminded me that he had asked me to give him time. My response was that I thought I was and haven't I been doing everything he has asked me to do but then he said he had to go because he was working. I asked to talk more about this and he hung up without saying anything further.

 

He hung up on you. Disrespect. Mean. And a hint to leave him alone. Stay in NC mode, assume the A is over because if he did love or care about you he wouldn't be such a douche and treating you this way. End it. For your own sanity.

By this time I start thinking about what other stuff might have been being misunderstood this whole entire time, so I got my thoughts together and I called him back about two hours later. He apologized for the way he's been treating me and then he said he wants a break. He's frustrated that when he tells me something, I don't take it as the truth unless he's forceful with me

.

 

Bad dynamic, same as before. You two are not good or healthy together. He now says he wants a break, so will you respect that and leave him alone?

I assume he wants me not to question his reasons, be subservient, just say okay to what he wants and not try to change his mind. Like when he says he doesn't have time, I'm supposed to take it as face value and not assume it's because he's avoiding me or that he doesn't like me anymore. I'm supposed to believe his words and not the actions. Maybe this is a side effect of his wife always being accusatory so he thinks I'm doing the same thing. But that's why he hung up on me because I tried to keep him on the line instead of saying okay we'll talk later.

 

Don't compare his wife and you. Just don't go there.. This is you and his dynamic, he is sick of everything. If you don't give the guy a break, really just back off and let him contact you, he will explode and really hurt you emotionally by telling you off.

 

Then he says he doesn't want me to interpret it the wrong way, that it's not me, it's everything going on in his life. He doesn't tell me everything and that it's not that he doesn't want to tell me, he says he just doesn't want to tell me right now. Then he proceeded to say if he doesn't get out of it, it's going to drive him nuts. So I ask for clarification, if he doesn't get out of what? He didn't say our affair, he just said all the crap going on, he has to get his mind off it and quit talking about it because it's taking over who he is, that it's making him mean and angry. He says there's so much going on with his family and he knows I want to hear about it so that I understand but he's just physically tired. When he gets off work, he just goes home to bed because he is wore out, his mind hurts, his body is tired, he's drained. He feels like everybody is walking on him and he doesn't know how to stop it.

 

You gotta stop asking him questions. He does mean everybody and that does include you. He asks for space, you don't give it to him. His family needs him and he can't give to them so he prob. feels pulled all over the place. He is at a point of a breakdown if he can't get peace.

So then I ask if I'm walking on him because he said everybody, so if I'm grouped in that, I would like to know what I'm specifically doing to make him feel that way so that I can stop, but he got onto me again saying "this is why it's better to not talk to you sometimes because you take things the wrong way." I tell him I'm just trying to understand because once I think I figure out what you're getting at, then you say something else which contradicts what I thought and then I'm confused again.

 

Listen to what he's telling you. really 'hear it' and let it sink in.

 

I asked what does he want me to do to give him time, does he not want me to call him anymore? He said "how about just slow it down a little. I know you think you're helping but your neediness has to stop for a little while, I don't have time for anybody right now."

He is honest here. He needs space (though he's asked you for this so many times and you can't leave him be). Let him contact you. Don't rely on him anymore, he can't deal with you or anybody else. You've made it worse by contacting him so much when he's asked you a lot NOT to.

 

Towards the end of the conversation he said he'd make time, bare with him, give him a couple of more weeks to see where he's at and he'll have more clarity about what's going on. That this is something he hasn't dealt with before, not so much the death but everything else that's going on top of it with his family, that he's trying to deal with it the best he knows how and it hasn't been easy.

 

If I'm supposed to take what he says at face value, he hasn't said it's over, he wants a break, he said I'm not the reason why he's got all this stuff going on his plate, but why would removing me, when I'm barely there as it is, make it better for him? Wouldn't it just keep compounding anyway?

 

Yes, but he wouldn't have to keep telling you he needs space. Not reaching out allows him breathing room. Respect that. If you care at all, focus on you and your life now, not his. he doesn't "need" you, he's told you this, he is a guy who wants to sort out his stuff on his own. Many men are like this.

 

At least now I know when I'm quiet it's because he asked me to be and he won't interpret my silence in any other way. I don't feel as conflicted because this is what he asked for and that's what I'm going to be doing...

He asked for space all along, it was you who worried he'd take it the wrong way. From day one he talked to you about not calling him due to dealing with the death in his family, you kept pushing and making it all about you. He has reacted each time and you don't hear him.

 

Assume now your A is on hold indefinitely. Stay in NC mode. let him reach out to you next. Whether it be a week, 2 weeks or a month. Let him be the one to contact you first. If you break NC again, I'm telling you, he's gonna lose it and tell you to leave him alone for good.

 

You're hurting, it's time to put you first now and focus on your life, friends and family.

[Mount]

Same here, I tried to read the whole post but after first/two lines I gave up.

 

The thing is, very simple, this guy does not want you, does not care about you, does not love you.

 

ACCEPT it, as you don't have choice here. ACCEPT it, and let it go, and let the poor guy go. You can not force someone whom does not love you to do something they do not want to do.

 

Let it go means let it go.

 

This is difficult to even read. Scarlet, you are desperately reading into every word this guy says, trying to find anything to suggest he's not done with you. You're beating a dead horse to DEATH. Do you eventually want to be labeled the psycho OW, whom he and his W have restraining orders against? Because you're at that fork in the road. I'm not saying you're crazy and stalking him, but if this A were to be discovered, you're definitely going to get the short end of the stick.

[sagamore]

When I'm in a dark place, I find it helpful to channel the strength of divas who have come before me. Scarlet, it is time for you to channel your internal Idina (or Demi, depending on your age ) and LET IT GO! I know right now you're wondering, how can I be ALL BY MYSELF (Celine)? But in time you will SHAKE IT OFF (Taylor) and find THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL (Whitney). Then you'll wish you could TURN BACK TIME (Cher) and erase this man from your life altogether!!

 

In all seriousness: are you in therapy? Have you considered medication? It sounds like you are in a tough place and could use some support other than this terrible, destructive relationship. Watch happy YouTube videos. Go for a walk. Eat some ice cream. Smoke cigarettes. (Well, maybe not that last one -- but really, almost anything would be better for you than this relationship!)

 

Good luck and take care.

[georgia girl]

Scarlet,

 

 

You start your post with, "I touched the flame again..." and go through the conversation and all of these permutation where you try to understand, mitigate, interpret what MM means, says and feels.

 

 

Here's the deal: love isn't that hard to understand. Typically - except those first days when you are just starting to figure things out - you know where you stand. This late in the game, if you don't know where you stand its because you don't want to believe where you stand.

 

 

As gently as possible, he's done. He may have felt something for you at one time; he may still have some feelings for you. Or at least, he doesn't want it to end angrily. But, he's really just plain done.

 

 

Regardless of if it's an affair or not, most relationships end. Very few work out to happily ever after. This one has run its course, I'm sorry to say. For your own sake, please just walk away.

 

 

Take care of you. Make your life happy now.

 

 

Best of luck, GG

[cif]

Time to gather the evidence and tell the wife.

[FusionCutter]

Scarlet2, You need to read what you wrote a few months ago:

 

I'm feeling tremendous guilt and fear about being my MM's side piece. The LC and not being able to spend time with him when I want to is constantly eating at me.

 

I don't want to hurt anyone. Especially with how covert ops he is being, his W is going to be completely blindsided if we're ever discovered. I always thought the best place to hide something is right in front of you and then if it's ever discovered, it would lessen the blow somewhat because it would be a "it makes sense" or "I could see how it happened" moment, like the proverbial boss and secretary type affair. This isn't going to be like that at all.

 

I'm afraid that even though he brought me into his marriage, somewhere down the line I feel he's going to end up hating me for causing conflict. But, he only sees me when he initiates it so maybe he'll take full responsibility. Every time I ask to see him on my time table, it's always rejected with some excuse, from being busy or exhausted or previous obligation or family issue so, technically he's choosing to see me on his own without any manipulation from me.

 

I can already sense he is wrestling with some demons though. He pulls away, he comes back, he feels guilt and posts things about repenting or Jesus set us free or if you want something to change let God use the situation you're in. I'm not sure what that last one means but I'm pretty sure I'm the reason he's facebooking that stuff.

 

I know he doesn't want to hurt his W or me, that's why he doesn't end either one but everyone here says his actions prove he wants his W more than he wants me, so should I make the decision for him and remove myself from the equation? If he wants his W, he doesn't need me, right?

 

It's going to hurt me a lot but I'm still worried that I'm going to hurt him by walking away. What should I expect will happen? Will he feel loss? Will he try hard to keep me? Will it bond him back to his W or will it cause more cracks in the marriage since he won't have the distraction anymore?

 

You got the answers to your questions. Stop investing any more energy in this effed up situation!! Stop putting his needs about your own! That's what you've been doing this whole time. This man doesn't treat people with decency at all.

 

Sometimes when you revisit old thoughts it can give you clarity for the future. You got the answers to this messed questions of this situation. And they are painful.

 

I bet in June 2014, if we told you to stop, you would NOT have listened. If you could go back in time and end this a few months ago, I bet now you would have wanted to do it. You can stop things NOW and just walk away. Give it up.

 

You can't go back in time but you can change the future. Don't regret it a few months from now for still trying to engage. Disengage.

 

Close the door, lock the door, and throw away the key. - It's not worth it anymore.

Edited November 11, 2014 by FusionCutter

[Scarlet2]

Omg, what is wrong with me... I thought I was doing okay. Two days after his break talk, I saw him briefly, which was odd because he hasn't come inside in weeks, but he was talking to someone else and it looked like he might not even acknowledge me so I kinda slipped away before he fully noticed I was there. Couple days later, he was late, he's never late. Then the day that I normally would call him, I didn't call or text.

 

So far so good, right...

 

But then I tortured myself today by checking his page and he's rubbing my face in it again. He checked into the place that I always go to that I've been asking him to go with me; a place that he can't go to without automatically thinking about me because I've talked about it so much. And then adding salt to the wound by selecting the feeling happy.

 

It hurts because I wanted to be the one to make him happy, but he's happy that he got rid of me?

 

And it's hard because part of me wants to be difficult and make it so that he can't get rid of me so easily and the other part of me is just like keep ignoring him, don't call or text, let him feel the loss because I know I am the better choice. I loved him for exactly who he is, I didn't start showering with him attention because someone died like she did, I accepted him unconditionally all along. I don't want to be a vindictive person, I just want things back to the way there were :-\ Why am I having such a hard time dealing with this...

[Minnie09]

.......because I know I am the better choice.

 

What do you mean you're the better choice?

I am sorry you're hurting but he seems to have made his choice.

The only thing you can do now is focusing on distracting yourself. Fake it till you make it and try to not look back. Think of the bad things rather than the good memories, and accept his choice. You have no other chance. Hugs.

[stillafool]

Please stop chasing after this man. Can't you see he has lost all respect for you? Why do you want him after the way he has treated you? You should be embarassed by his treatment of you but instead you are still trying to get his attention. Just because you think you are the best person for him does not mean he thinks you are. You say you don't want to make it easy for him to just let you go; but he has let you go. You are wasting precious time on a man you will never have and you can't get that time back. Please get professional help to get you through this. You deserve so much better, why can't you see that?