death in MM's family

[2sunny]

Since he isn't calling or texting you - that indicates you aren't his priority right now.

 

You aren't following his prompts. If he intended to be close to you right now he would - but he isn't.

 

He's obviously communicating with someone on his phone - as you said he was focused on his phone while you stood there waiting for him to pay attention to you.

 

 

Leave it be. Start dating available men.

 

He's taken and he's consumed with other things right now that are obviously important to him.

[whichwayisup]

This is hard. I want to be there for him but I want to give him his space but I keep thinking if I don't call or text, he's going to think I don't care but I have to stop calling and texting because he doesn't answer or respond, right? What are some reasons why he would shut me out but not others?

 

I said this before, I'll say it again. This isn't about you so don't make it about you.

 

What do you mean, others? Who? His wife? Friends? Family?

 

He isn't going to forget about you. Didn't he ask for some space?

 

He isn't in a place to 'give' to you or be in the affair, spend time with you right now.

 

Get busy and focus on other people in your life, allow him this time to grieve.

[Hope Shimmers]

I didn't bring us up at all, I just wanted to know about him, but he still said we are still on

 

I feel so badly for you.

 

What is "still on" Scarlet? I don't even see where there is a relationship here as he is ignoring you. It's been a month since his father died. There is no excuse for him to ignore you IF he still wants to be in an A relationship with you. He is making a point to avoid communicating with you and being with you, however. So how does that mean the affair is still "on"?

 

You said on page 3 in one of your posts that you were no longer going to put up with the lack of texts and time together. When are you going to implement that? Because he is living his life and you are just hanging on waiting for scraps. It is humiliating for you to be in a relationship like that - I can't even imagine voluntarily being in an affair that was that way. What is the point?

 

Please take care of yourself and stop living your life just for scraps from this man. He isn't leaving and he isn't prioritizing you - if he wanted to he would not be acting this way. He does not care about you in the same way you care about him, and the sooner you can accept that the better for you...

[Scarlet2]

I said this before, I'll say it again. This isn't about you so don't make it about you.

 

What do you mean, others? Who? His wife? Friends? Family?

 

He isn't going to forget about you. Didn't he ask for some space?

 

He isn't in a place to 'give' to you or be in the affair, spend time with you right now.

 

Get busy and focus on other people in your life, allow him this time to grieve.

 

Others as in acquaintances/coworkers/customers who only ask about his life because they are nosy and didn't attend the services or send flowers/plant/card to his family. When he first talked to me after it happened, he said he was upset by the people who didn't reach out to him because all those conversations he would have with them over the years and they weren't around to show support. His own boss didn't go but yet the workplace of his sister's husband went all out to support her and she doesn't even work there.

[Scarlet2]

I feel so badly for you.

 

What is "still on" Scarlet? I don't even see where there is a relationship here as he is ignoring you. It's been a month since his father died. There is no excuse for him to ignore you IF he still wants to be in an A relationship with you. He is making a point to avoid communicating with you and being with you, however. So how does that mean the affair is still "on"?

 

You said on page 3 in one of your posts that you were no longer going to put up with the lack of texts and time together. When are you going to implement that? Because he is living his life and you are just hanging on waiting for scraps. It is humiliating for you to be in a relationship like that - I can't even imagine voluntarily being in an affair that was that way. What is the point?

 

Please take care of yourself and stop living your life just for scraps from this man. He isn't leaving and he isn't prioritizing you - if he wanted to he would not be acting this way. He does not care about you in the same way you care about him, and the sooner you can accept that the better for you...

 

This is why I keep bouncing back and forth because how much of this is because of grief and how much of this is because he just doesn't want me. It would be a lot easier if he would just say it's over but he hasn't. He said it was still on, so that's all I can go by. Obviously, if months go by and I'm still being ignored then I guess it will finally click that he did a fade out.

 

As for no longer putting up with lack of text and time, I plan on implementing that when/if he decides to start the A up again if/when he approaches me about it.

[MuddyRock]

This affair is obviously too much for him. Men don't like to be the bad guy and they don't like stopping addictions. If you really love him and want what is BEST for him why not let him go? Really have the conversation and let him go for his own good. He will resist but I bet not much and I bet it will be a relief to him.

[Lurkeraspect]

Scarlet,

 

I went back and read all your threads to get a true look at your backstory. Some things really stand out to me. The entire affair, you've been asking about him pulling away, not being there, the push pull (with you pushing and him pulling away), then you taking the blame for his crappy behavior, and allowing it to happen over and over again.

 

This man treats you horribly, and always has a reason why it's acceptable to treat you horribly. I believe you know his behavior is unacceptable, but you seem so willing to accept whatever smidge of attention he gives you, that you just keep hanging on, making excuse for his behavior, ignoring just how little he gives you.

 

Would you put up with this crappy behavior from a single man? A single man, who professed love to you? I doubt it. No matter what he's telling you, it's not love. It's sick and unhealthy, FOR YOU. He's made excuse after excuse as to why he won't divorce, and you just keep taking his crumbs. His newest excuse for treating you like a bother...his dad died.

 

He gets upset with you for pushing too hard, demanding more time because, he wants a stress free affair. He wants you when he wants you, then he wants to put you in a box, where he expects you to sit quietly and patiently until he needs some attention from you. That's not love.

 

This will crush you, crush your soul.

 

What is the attraction for you? You sound like you're the sweetest thing, but you also sound very desperate. There is a man out there for you, one that will treat you with love, kindness and respect, but you'll never find him while you're wrapped up with a user and a man who is married and plans to stay that way.

 

I'm so sad for you.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

As for no longer putting up with lack of text and time, I plan on implementing that when/if he decides to start the A up again if/when he approaches me about it.

 

So you'll tell him he needs to start talking to or texting you more often...but not until he texts you again first? Why do you have to wait for him to do anything? Why can't you say "this isn't enough for me" and leave right now?

[beach]

This is why I keep bouncing back and forth because how much of this is because of grief and how much of this is because he just doesn't want me. It would be a lot easier if he would just say it's over but he hasn't. He said it was still on, so that's all I can go by. Obviously, if months go by and I'm still being ignored then I guess it will finally click that he did a fade out.

 

As for no longer putting up with lack of text and time, I plan on implementing that when/if he decides to start the A up again if/when he approaches me about it.

 

Scarlet why go by his words at all? His actions (none) have already given you a good indication that he doesn't want you.

 

He is overwhelmed emotionally! You are an emotional person that loves drama.

 

He can't take it - I'm sure.

 

Just leave him alone. Move on knowing that he is focused on more important things.

 

You keep wanting to make this about you. But it's not about you. It's about him and the fact that his Dad died - he's seeking support from his wife - and he has pushed you away when meaningful things are happening in his life.

 

Stay out of it. Give the man some peace and move forward.

 

Start dating men who are available to you 24/7 - that's not your MM.

 

He's made himself clear with his actions... Respect that he needs space to breathe.

[whatatangledweb]

If he wanted to text or call you, he would. He could find ways just as he did during the rest of the affair. I don't think it is because of his grief. I can see a couple of weeks it being the excuse. But a month? No.

 

Not being mean but he uses you as a distraction not for a main role. If he were emotionally connected to you then he would have reached out for comfort and support.

 

People asked him how he is because they care. It doesn't matter if they attended the funeral or send flowers. I only do that if I know the person who died. They are reaching out to him by asking.

[Scarlet2]

I know this isn't about me but I also think this isn't the right time to end it with him now either because of him being in mourning. I'm just having a rough time not knowing how to console a grieving person when you can't do the normal things because of being the OW. I can't call him whenever I want, I can't show up to his house or bring him food, I can't do errands for him, I can't do any of the things bereavement sites tell you how to support a griever.

 

And it's fine that his actions are saying he doesn't need or want me. If the day comes when he's feeling better and he decides he wants to see me again, I will be enforcing how I should be treated.

 

The frustrating part was that he really was getting better at not ignoring me and he was even planning on taking me out like I've been wanting. But now I'm back to not existing.

 

I am giving him space. I'm not going to attempt to call or text anymore especially since his actions says it's unwanted and if I run into him, I'm just going to be courteous and keep walking.

[Redheaded Mistress]

At this point, I'd text to say I need to know what's going on. I'd say I get he says things are "still on," but because that contradicts what he's doing and the reality of how you interact now. You need answers or, at the very least, a reason why you're not hearing from him.

 

As for supposed glimmers in his eye... You can't go by what you think you see because you'll see what you want to see. You have to go by the reality of the relationship by what he says and how he acts. A glimmer in the eye has more to do with you than what he thinks or feels.

[Lurkeraspect]

I know this isn't about me but I also think this isn't the right time to end it with him now either because of him being in mourning. I'm just having a rough time not knowing how to console a grieving person when you can't do the normal things because of being the OW. I can't call him whenever I want, I can't show up to his house or bring him food, I can't do errands for him, I can't do any of the things bereavement sites tell you how to support a griever.

 

And it's fine that his actions are saying he doesn't need or want me. If the day comes when he's feeling better and he decides he wants to see me again, I will be enforcing how I should be treated.

 

The frustrating part was that he really was getting better at not ignoring me and he was even planning on taking me out like I've been wanting. But now I'm back to not existing.

 

I am giving him space. I'm not going to attempt to call or text anymore especially since his actions says it's unwanted and if I run into him, I'm just going to be courteous and keep walking.

 

When will you get, that you're not his priority or first thought? He doesn't care that your thinking of him. Your affair will continue...if you allow more of the same. Please, want more for yourself. He doesn't care.

[Scarlet2]

To clarify the glimmer, before I saw and greeted him, I heard others were saying hi to him and he replied back grumpily. I agree that one can see what we want but another person commented to me later that his whole demeanor changed when I walked around the corner to greet him so it wasn't just me that noticed the glimmer.

[Lurkeraspect]

To clarify the glimmer, before I saw and greeted him, I heard others were saying hi to him and he replied back grumpily. I agree that one can see what we want but another person commented to me later that his whole demeanor changed when I walked around the corner to greet him so it wasn't just me that noticed the glimmer.

 

It's not going to change, is it? If you're satisfied with the treatment you've been given, then go with it. I don't think you are, or you wouldn't be posting here to complete strangers. He treats you horribly. It's not going to magically change.

 

I pretend you're my adult daughter, and what advice I'd give her. STOP. RUN.

[Scarlet2]

I know and I can't talk to him about what's bothering me or what's making me unhappy because he'll just come up with more excuses or say I'm misinterpreting. It's lose lose.

[Lurkeraspect]

I know and I can't talk to him about what's bothering me or what's making me unhappy because he'll just come up with more excuses or say I'm misinterpreting. It's lose lose.

 

Then let it go. Cut your losses. He has shown you multiple times that your feelings mean nothing. Just go already. I'm sure it's hard, heartbreaking. He doesn't care about you. He cares about himself. Some affairs are exit. I get that. This affair isn't. He's not leaving. I'm so sorry.

 

You have to move on.

[2sunny]

I know and I can't talk to him about what's bothering me or what's making me unhappy because he'll just come up with more excuses or say I'm misinterpreting. It's lose lose.

 

Then honestly, you have no relationship at all.

 

Think about what you typed long and hard.

 

When any situation causes me to be unhappy it's time for me to take action to make sure it's over.

[georgia girl]

Scarlet,

 

 

I feel badly posting this because I think it will hurt you but I also feel like someone needs to say it. I believe your relationship is over. I think he's trying to be a nice guy and "let you down easy" by not replying but not also telling you face-to-face that it's truly over.

 

 

Please, please, please don't waste any more time on him. When I see you post something about how when he starts responding you're going to tell him he needs to be more available, I cringe at how needy and sad that sounds. This is going to hurt and it's going to hurt for awhile, but please accept that it's actually over.

[MuddyRock]

You say now isn't a good time to have the conversation of ending it, due to his loss. Actually now is the perfect time. You will be easing him of a very stressful part of his life, whether he wants it to be over or not.

[Sassy Girl]

Serious question Scarlet.... How do you do what you do as the OW, and still front up to Church? How do you reconcile your actions with your religion?

 

No judgment... I'm an OW too, but I am curious about people who want to be religious but choose adultery.

[beach]

To clarify the glimmer, before I saw and greeted him, I heard others were saying hi to him and he replied back grumpily. I agree that one can see what we want but another person commented to me later that his whole demeanor changed when I walked around the corner to greet him so it wasn't just me that noticed the glimmer.

 

None of this matters at all.

 

Quit making something out of nothing.

 

He hasn't called or communicated and he has no plans to see you.

 

It's over.

 

Let it die a natural death by moving forward. He needs his own space to process a death of a loved one.

 

Since he acts like he doesn't need you now - believe it.

[ComingInHot]

Serious question Scarlet.... How do you do what you do as the OW, and still front up to Church? How do you reconcile your actions with your religion?

 

No judgment... I'm an OW too, but I am curious about people who want to be religious but choose adultery.

 

 

You can't do it honestly as it is a giant hypocrisy that can and has brought more than one church to its knees.

Think about it, per the Bible (God's living Word to us)it is the only sin where God states the Marriage can be disolved and the cheaters put to death(check out Deuteronomy and John) in others places in it is forbidden with punishment of never entering Heaven.

 

I think that's why I get so jacked up about the Great Hypocrisy of cheaters in the church. It's the biggest crock there is and slap in the face to God Himself.

 

Cheat if you're going to cheat but for Heaven's sake Leave God out of as He wants nothing to do with You while you're committing this atrocity while declaring you love and abide by Him.

[Sassy Girl]

Thanks CIH.... I'm actually athiest, so it's not my dilemma. I was in a brief EA with a man who was religious... Church every Sunday and bible studies during the week.... In the end I just couldn't deal with his 'hipocracy' as you put it.

 

But I curious about Scarlets internal monologue that tells what she does is OK with her God... So much so she has a relationship of sorts with MMs family THROUGH the Church... Smacks of all sorts of wrong.

 

Scarlet what kind of lies are you tellin YOURSELF to allow you to behave this way?

 

I would NEVERchoose to be in he same space as MMs family. EVER, much less interact with them.

[Scarlet2]

Serious question Scarlet.... How do you do what you do as the OW, and still front up to Church? How do you reconcile your actions with your religion?

 

No judgment... I'm an OW too, but I am curious about people who want to be religious but choose adultery.

 

I'm not the religious one, he is, or rather his wife is and he goes along, I guess. I've asked this question myself all the time. How can he pray with her and go to church with her and talk to the youth group every week and quote the bible and hang out with the pastor several times a week like best buds, all the while committing adultery. I admit I initially thought this was an exit affair because of him being religious, knowing adultery is the only acceptable reason for divorce in the eyes of the church.

 

I have brought up a few times where I was concerned he might end it due to feeling guilty or thinking I'm a demonic influence but he waved it off as ridiculous. Even now I wonder if he thinks his dad's death is his punishment for him sinning. Or does he think it's only a sin if the woman is married.

 

And I wonder how his wife gives so much of her time to the church and worshipping God and in return God gives her a husband to cheat on her... Although to be fair, she's no saint either since she likes to judge, gossip, and talk badly about people and put him down, even in my presence.

 

Anyway, he actually spoke to me today and told me what was going on.