death in MM's family

[whichwayisup]

So what is going on? Where do you stand with him?

I'm just having a rough time not knowing how to console a grieving person when you can't do the normal things because of being the OW. I can't call him whenever I want, I can't show up to his house or bring him food, I can't do errands for him, I can't do any of the things bereavement sites tell you how to support a griever.

 

As the OW you can't do the above, mostly because he won't let you. He is shutting you out.

[Sub]

How can he pray with her and go to church with her and talk to the youth group every week and quote the bible and hang out with the pastor several times a week like best buds, all the while committing adultery.

 

He uses the church as a crutch, a means to do his thing and than lean on absolution after the fact. It's bullsh*t, but he believes it to be true. "The devil made him do it."

 

Also, don't use the term "acceptable" too loosely. What he's doing isn't acceptable in anyone's eyes.

[Scarlet2]

So what is going on? Where do you stand with him?

 

 

As the OW you can't do the above, mostly because he won't let you. He is shutting you out.

 

He said he's still busy settling his dad's estate and running into problems with his inheritance and family members. He's always been the type of person that can only concentrate on one thing at a time, so while his mind is preoccupied with this, he's not thinking about anything else until this gets resolved.

 

I'm not exactly sure where I stand with him at the moment. I thought I did but not so much now. I asked him why he doesn't respond to my text messages and his response was "you make it sound like you're the only one I do that to". Apparently that's supposed to make it okay and he's obviously not going to get better at replying if he is that way with everyone and views it as no big deal.

 

I know his wife is the one that always contacts him so I feel that's why he doesn't call or text me first because he's so used to her doing it all the time. So I get LC because I'm not doing it as frequently as her. I text once and if I don't get reply, I don't text again until another day. I'll call once and if he doesn't answer, I don't keep calling back. She'll call him constantly to check where he's at, but yet he still managed to cheat...

 

I overheard him talking to some other guys and he said if he became single he wouldn't get married again. So if he doesn't like marriage, why won't he just get divorced then?

[NJ123]

He said he's still busy settling his dad's estate and running into problems with his inheritance and family members. He's always been the type of person that can only concentrate on one thing at a time, so while his mind is preoccupied with this, he's not thinking about anything else until this gets resolved.

 

I'm not exactly sure where I stand with him at the moment. I thought I did but not so much now. I asked him why he doesn't respond to my text messages and his response was "you make it sound like you're the only one I do that to". Apparently that's supposed to make it okay and he's obviously not going to get better at replying if he is that way with everyone and views it as no big deal.

 

I know his wife is the one that always contacts him so I feel that's why he doesn't call or text me first because he's so used to her doing it all the time. So I get LC because I'm not doing it as frequently as her. I text once and if I don't get reply, I don't text again until another day. I'll call once and if he doesn't answer, I don't keep calling back. She'll call him constantly to check where he's at, but yet he still managed to cheat...

 

I overheard him talking to some other guys and he said if he became single he wouldn't get married again. So if he doesn't like marriage, why won't he just get divorced then?

 

Seems your hoping that he does so there's hope for you & him to be together. That's really selfish thinking. Why do you even want to be with a married guy with kids? Why do you want to be the one to break up their family?

[Nattie]

I don't know this guy, or the ins & outs of your relationship Scarlet, but to me it seems like this guy wants space. Maybe he's trying to let it fade out peacefully, I'm sure the last thing he wants is to risk you blowing up and telling his wife in the aftermath of a dramatic breakup. As I said, I don't know your MM, but if mine acted like this I would have ended his chapter long ago. Affairs are hard, we're certainly not saints here...but please value yourself a little bit more than this.

[whichwayisup]

For your own sanity you need to back off and really give him space. And, stop 'listening/overhearing' his conversations with others. It's like you're constantly waiting and watching for him.

 

Focus on your own life, your friends, family etc..etc..

[whichwayisup]

I know his wife is the one that always contacts him so I feel that's why he doesn't call or text me first because he's so used to her doing it all the time. So I get LC because I'm not doing it as frequently as her. I text once and if I don't get reply, I don't text again until another day. I'll call once and if he doesn't answer, I don't keep calling back. She'll call him constantly to check where he's at, but yet he still managed to cheat...

 

Why are you comparing? You vs his wife? You're an outsider looking in and really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors in their marriage. Are you around him 24/7 to know how many times his wife contacts him or when he contacts her?

I overheard him talking to some other guys and he said if he became single he wouldn't get married again. So if he doesn't like marriage, why won't he just get divorced then?

 

Because 1)he isn't getting divorced and 2)because he said 'if' he became single. Doesn't mean he hates marriage, it's just not worth going through again IF his marriage ends in divorce.

 

You're finding the littlest things and putting your own spin and hope on it, and setting yourself up for a huge fall (a big hurt).

[lovinDKT3]

DKT's mom passed Wednesday, and he has been a zombie. He is finally sleeping for the first time. I have been hovering over him like crazy, anwsering his phone and texts.

 

Point is, its 1) A dangerous time to contact him 2) his mind has far more pressing issues then to worry about a very needy OW.

 

I'm in no way condoning the affair, but give him time.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to hear about your MIL.

 

And good advice LDK

[lovinDKT3]

Sorry to hear about your MIL.

 

And good advice LDK

 

TY, she was a great women and a major factor in us being together today.

[FusionCutter]

My MM's dad died this morning. It was sudden because they had just gone on vacation together last week. He hasn't told me yet but I found out through his son. I don't know what to do because after all, I am the outsider. Do I send a condolence text or call or just wait until he tells me himself or just stay out of it?

 

If you really dig deep down and reflect on this.. you will realize that in the end, you should have just stayed out of it from the beginning. When you realize this. You will know what you need to do.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I'm not the religious one, he is, or rather his wife is and he goes along, I guess. I've asked this question myself all the time. How can he pray with her and go to church with her and talk to the youth group every week and quote the bible and hang out with the pastor several times a week like best buds, all the while committing adultery. I admit I initially thought this was an exit affair because of him being religious, knowing adultery is the only acceptable reason for divorce in the eyes of the church.

 

Because many believe that pursuing a faith doesn't mean absence of sin. On the contrary, many believe it's the sin that necessitates the faith.

 

If his wife is religious and he's not, it could also be following the act of faith, but not the actual faith.

 

I have brought up a few times where I was concerned he might end it due to feeling guilty or thinking I'm a demonic influence but he waved it off as ridiculous. Even now I wonder if he thinks his dad's death is his punishment for him sinning. Or does he think it's only a sin if the woman is married.

 

My MIL, who's devout to a level that trumps all levels of devout I've ever seen would say something like that. But I doubt a guy who's actively trying to maintain an affair would.

 

And I wonder how his wife gives so much of her time to the church and worshipping God and in return God gives her a husband to cheat on her... Although to be fair, she's no saint either since she likes to judge, gossip, and talk badly about people and put him down, even in my presence.

 

God doesn't promise the faithful and sinless will have perfect life with only sinless people around them. Faith is trials and this may be their trial. Virtue isn't like currency, where if you accrue enough of it you can buy your way out of the evils of the world. She could be Mother Theresa, that doesn't mean she can pick a good person. Her faith would only mean she can see the virtue in that person and would act to protect them, save them, witness to them, or share the word of God.

[Scarlet2]

Why are you comparing? You vs his wife? You're an outsider looking in and really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors in their marriage. Are you around him 24/7 to know how many times his wife contacts him or when he contacts her?

 

 

Because 1)he isn't getting divorced and 2)because he said 'if' he became single. Doesn't mean he hates marriage, it's just not worth going through again IF his marriage ends in divorce.

 

You're finding the littlest things and putting your own spin and hope on it, and setting yourself up for a huge fall (a big hurt).

 

I used to spend 50 hours a week with him but yes, you're right, I don't know everything that happens now, I'm basing it on what happened in the past so I assume it's still occurring. When I do spend time with him now, his phone still blows up, he doesn't make calls.

 

The "if" also means if he became widowed. I remember years ago he said if anything happened he wouldn't remarry and him saying it again means he still feels that way. Not out of respect or anything like that but he just doesn't want to be tied down again.

 

Not that it matters but I also forgot to add that when I expressed my feelings on being shut out he said sometimes no news is good news.

 

I have been giving him his space and if it fades out then it fades out.

[2sunny]

Fades out?

 

It's dead. Acknowledge that it's dead.

 

He isn't pursuing you! If he cared about YOU he would pursue - make no mistake about it!

 

And maybe his phone blows up because he's got other OW.

 

You may not have been the "only" one, ya know?

[Scarlet2]

I don't know this guy, or the ins & outs of your relationship Scarlet, but to me it seems like this guy wants space. Maybe he's trying to let it fade out peacefully, I'm sure the last thing he wants is to risk you blowing up and telling his wife in the aftermath of a dramatic breakup. As I said, I don't know your MM, but if mine acted like this I would have ended his chapter long ago. Affairs are hard, we're certainly not saints here...but please value yourself a little bit more than this.

 

I was thinking about this and maybe he is indeed being careful with what he says to me when I do ask him what's going on so that I don't end up blowing up and spilling the beans, so he strings me along. But he's always told me if I didn't want to do it anymore or couldn't handle it, let him know and we'd go back to the way it was but why couldn't he do the same, why not just be upfront and tell me, why keep saying everything is fine, no news is good news, we'll spend more time together, etc... Why not just tell me he wants to go back and work on his marriage.

 

Something is definitely up because a few days ago his wife was posting stuff about the grass isn't always greener, grow where you're planted, etc, makes me wonder if he was talking about leaving or she found out he strayed. Then I talk to him on the phone and everything was fine between us but then today he posted a photo quote about the most beautiful girl is the one who makes your world beautiful and he wrote he loves her. He doesn't do posts like that, even on his anniversary this year he didn't post anything, so now I'm thinking maybe he's being so rude and posting that, knowing that I can see it, so that I will blow up?

 

Now I'm scared to even send any text messages because if he really is being this way on purpose, what if he doesn't delete them now so that he gets himself caught since I'm not blowing up... Do men ever go into affairs to deliberately get caught? Or if he's not trying to get caught, I'm scared he may get fed up and just confess to finally get rid of me.

 

It was complicated before the death of his dad but now it's like wtf. On one hand I focus on what he tells me and on the other I focus on his actions but then seeing the posts really warps it all. What am I supposed to believe. I had a feeling it would make him reevaluate and based on that love post, whether its genuine or for show, I'm going to assume he wants to focus on his marriage and I'm going NC. Do I even tell him I'm leaving him alone or do I just do it?

 

If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have let him get away with treating me this poorly for so long. I gave the benefit of the doubt and bought his excuses when I should have stood up for myself. I used to stand up to him all the time but then I fell in love and that's when he stopped liking me.

[Lurkeraspect]

I was thinking about this and maybe he is indeed being careful with what he says to me when I do ask him what's going on so that I don't end up blowing up and spilling the beans, so he strings me along. But he's always told me if I didn't want to do it anymore or couldn't handle it, let him know and we'd go back to the way it was but why couldn't he do the same, why not just be upfront and tell me, why keep saying everything is fine, no news is good news, we'll spend more time together, etc... Why not just tell me he wants to go back and work on his marriage.

 

Something is definitely up because a few days ago his wife was posting stuff about the grass isn't always greener, grow where you're planted, etc, makes me wonder if he was talking about leaving or she found out he strayed. Then I talk to him on the phone and everything was fine between us but then today he posted a photo quote about the most beautiful girl is the one who makes your world beautiful and he wrote he loves her. He doesn't do posts like that, even on his anniversary this year he didn't post anything, so now I'm thinking maybe he's being so rude and posting that, knowing that I can see it, so that I will blow up?

 

Now I'm scared to even send any text messages because if he really is being this way on purpose, what if he doesn't delete them now so that he gets himself caught since I'm not blowing up... Do men ever go into affairs to deliberately get caught? Or if he's not trying to get caught, I'm scared he may get fed up and just confess to finally get rid of me.

 

It was complicated before the death of his dad but now it's like wtf. On one hand I focus on what he tells me and on the other I focus on his actions but then seeing the posts really warps it all. What am I supposed to believe. I had a feeling it would make him reevaluate and based on that love post, whether its genuine or for show, I'm going to assume he wants to focus on his marriage and I'm going NC. Do I even tell him I'm leaving him alone or do I just do it?

 

If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have let him get away with treating me this poorly for so long. I gave the benefit of the doubt and bought his excuses when I should have stood up for myself. I used to stand up to him all the time but then I fell in love and that's when he stopped liking me.

 

That's very telling statement. He doesn't want your love, he wants a unemotional, unentangled affair. He probably strings you along because he's afraid you'll blow his world up otherwise.

[NJ123]

Seems you keep ignoring everyone's comments where their saying it's likely over & you can't seem to accept it. Move on, why do you want to break up their family so bad? It's so cruel & a selfish thing to do.

[Scarlet2]

I'm not ignoring the it's over comments. I just feel that it's really only up to me or him to determine if it's over, not a third party perspective. Everytime I ask him if it's over he tells me no, even after the biggest fight we had. We don't know what he's thinking or what his motives are. All I know is I have to start standing up to him again and stop taking this abuse.

 

If I wanted to break up the family so bad, I would have told his wife the same day he propositioned me.

Edited October 25, 2014 by Scarlet2

[NJ123]

I'm not ignoring the it's over comments. I just feel that it's really only up to me or him to determine if it's over, not a third party perspective. Everytime I ask him if it's over he tells me no, even after the biggest fight we had. We don't know what he's thinking or what his motives are. All I know is I have to start standing up to him again and stop taking this abuse.

 

If I wanted to break up the family so bad, I would have told his wife the same day he propositioned me.

 

You just don't want to tell his wife because you know he'd likely never speak to you again for sure. I think he really does need to tell his wife what's going on so I'm not saying he's some saint. But why do you want to continue with this for? Just let it go.

[truncated]

I noticed your thread in passing, and stopped to take a look.

 

I read through it all, thought about it, and couldn't help but think that you don't care about him half as much as your think you do.

 

I'm not trying to be mean when I say that, but I'm trying to get you to look at this situation froma slightly dfferent angle.

 

He has just lost his father, and no matter how old you are, that can be one of the hardest losses to face, especially when it wasn't expected. He, by virtue of his silence, has made it clear that he doesn't wnat to be in contact with your right now. He is finding his comfort and solace somewhere else. Why can't you respect that? Why is it so important to you that he conatct you? Why can't you give him that space?

 

It is really that you only want to comfort him, or is there somethig more? To be honest, why is there this desparation? At a time in his life when he shouldn't have to be dealing with that, you continue to try and insert yourself in.

 

Is it really that you just want to be there for him, or are you worried you are losing him?

[Scarlet2]

I do want to comfort him and you are right, I do also fear losing him. I worry that if I don't insert myself and show that I care and am concerned, that he'll come back later and say I wasn't there for him. That's my problem, I shouldn't care what he might think since I can't control that. But also it's making me think of his mortality and I'm latching on which is the worst thing to do.

[MuddyRock]

But he's always told me if I didn't want to do it anymore or couldn't handle it, let him know and we'd go back to the way it was but why couldn't he do the same, why not just be upfront and tell me, why keep saying everything is fine, no news is good news, we'll spend more time together, etc... Why not just tell me he wants to go back and work on his marriage.

.

 

 

The same reason he wont be up front with you, is the same reason he cheats on his wife.

 

He is a conflict avoider. If it is hard to do something then he wont. That's how his marriage got to the point where he would cheat, easier to create fantasy world then talk about problems. Now you are dealing with the same problems his wife does.

At least his wife doesn't seem this way. Seems like she is the one that voices when something is wrong. I think if she ever finds out about this affair you will really be at her mercy while MM throws you under the bus.

 

This is why if you really care about him, his best interest in LONG TERM, you would end this for him. Even if he says otherwise its because he knows no other way. He knows not how to be strong.

[whichwayisup]

I do want to comfort him and you are right, I do also fear losing him. I worry that if I don't insert myself and show that I care and am concerned, that he'll come back later and say I wasn't there for him. That's my problem, I shouldn't care what he might think since I can't control that. But also it's making me think of his mortality and I'm latching on which is the worst thing to do.

 

So, since you're aware of your own behaviour, change it now. GIVE him that space he has asked for. If you truly care about him and love him, you'll back off. You don't need to talk/text him every single day. Let him contact you next. Live your life and focus on other things/people. He is a grown man, he's not a child, if he needs help he'll ask.

 

 

 

Also, your obsessing over what is or isn't being posted on facebook is making this worse on yourself. You've put way too much thought into something quite simple. stop lurking their pages, what you see just upsets you more.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not ignoring the it's over comments. I just feel that it's really only up to me or him to determine if it's over, not a third party perspective. Everytime I ask him if it's over he tells me no, even after the biggest fight we had. We don't know what he's thinking or what his motives are. All I know is I have to start standing up to him again and stop taking this abuse.

 

If I wanted to break up the family so bad, I would have told his wife the same day he propositioned me.

 

You feed his ego. My god, this man can treat you worse than a piece of shi.t on his shoe, ignore you, berate you, and you still come back for more. Doesn't that piss you off?? Reading how he's treated you for a long time now (maybe you need to go re read your older threads) and see how things have changed and maybe you'll come to the realization that your affair is more or less over.

 

Are you afraid to stand up to him? Confront him? He treats you with no respect because it seems you don't respect yourself.

[beach]

The stalking that you're doing to him - and to his wife - seems just creepy.

 

His actions... Tell you everything.

 

He doesn't need you now and he doesn't want you.

 

Respect that and respect him.

 

But respect yourself too.