Falling too hard too fast...Good or bad?

[54JA]

I think I was so infatuated by the wonderful things he said to me that I tended to let some of the disappointing things he did slide.

 

Many women enjoy hearing wonderful things from the men they are interested in. I am definitely one of them. Many women are impressed when their men express their loving feelings for them romance novel style, applauding "he can express his feelings!!!" Among the "wonderful things" men say include "I have never left like this with anyone," "It's so weird, I feel like I have known you forever," "I couldn't stop thinking about you," etc, and of course the premature "I think I love you." While there is no problem with these wonderful statements if the men know what they mean, AND mean them, it is problematic when they state them because they know we like hearing them!! And yes, there are some men that know we like hearing them and are impressed by them (their "ability" to open up), and use those statements to get us hooked on them (and I'm sure there are women who do this too, but because I am a heterosexual woman, I have never had another woman say this to me). When the men we are dating say these things, especially in the very early stage, they appear genuinely excited and appear to have meant every word. They look like they meant them because they were enjoying seeing our reaction, and not necessarily because we are truly developing the once-in-a-lifetime relationship.

 

I apologize if I came off too strong. I inadvertently got angry as I typed away. Let me stress that I don't believe every man is like this. But I strongly believe that there are a handful of men who enjoy saying these "too-good-to-be-true" statements for the sake of saying them and hearing them back without having worked on building the relationship. I am not saying that you should completely disregard those "wonderful" statements from men we date, but if you hear them too early, or in a phone-only stage of dating, just be careful. When they say (especially on the phone before meeting or during a vacation fling) "I don't know what it is about you... yada yada yada," I don't believe they are opening up. They are drunk with the instant euphoria from exchanging those statements. While some solid LTR may start out like this, but I think their secret to lasting relationship has a lot more to do with their actual behavior than words.

 

My rebound fling was like this. Though I knew this guy from high school (in fact we were really good friends), we had been apart from each other for 7 years. When he visited my city 7 years later, we hooked up right away. We "talked" all night, telling each other how crazy it was for us to feel like this. We were able to "talk" all night because we were basically saying what each of us wanted to hear, about how wonderful I was/he was. Who doesn't enjoy that? I loved hearing how beautiful I was to him, and he loved hearing I much I loved him. Many of us love hearing something positive about ourselves. However, this does not mean we really connected, nor had a good "conversation."

 

While there is nothing wrong with enjoying those romantic exchanges in the early stages of dating, I believe it is wise to keep in mind that it could quickly fizzle. It just something some people do when they are infatuated. I see many posts in which people say, "he used to be so affectionate in the beginning. He used to tell me he loves me all the time. What happened?" It is worth waiting to say and hear all the ILYS and other profound declaration of love until after the relationship was been carefully developed. My current boyfriend did not tell me he loved me until after we have been together for a year. This meant more than the ILY I heard from my fling.

 

I really apologize for the long post, but it is because I am PO about your guy's behavior. Either way, what I mean is that, from now on with this guy or someone else, please focus on his behavior and actions, whether his words are consistent with his behaviors, and stances on issues that matter to you, and not so much on the amount of wooing. Don't shut yourself out of the opportunities. I have read most of your posts from the very beginning, and I can see how insightful you are becoming. Use it for your current/future dating/relationship. You are increasingly becoming better-equipped to detecting BS.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have always had a really bad experience with sweet talking men. I can't remember one time when a sweet talker actually came through with his promises...

[Ruby Slippers]

I have always had a really bad experience with sweet talking men. I can't remember one time when a sweet talker actually came through with his promises...

The man who was clearly the most in love with me of them all was a sweet talker. He made good on about 95% of his big promises. No one else has treated me like such a queen. The promises he didn't keep were simply way too lofty - but I was his first love, and I think lack of experience was the problem there.

[msmolecule]

Beware.

 

He sounds like he may be a game player. If he has narcissistic tendencies, he may be feeling out your boundaries for future manipulations.

 

He may be testing you to see how much you will put up with.

 

Stick to your guns. Do not initiate contact. Keep the ball in his court. Don't assume anything. Let him show his true colors. Give it long enough, and he will.

[D-Lish]

I think your rather high anxiety at this time is the real issue here. You're making it all about him, when it's really more about you. I've noticed this is one of your patterns.

 

I don't think you were wrong to let things heat up fast. Most of the stories about people who fell hard for their true love are stories of a relationship that heated up VERY fast, within months or even weeks.

 

Is it possible that he sincerely wanted to take some time to consider what he was getting himself into, and whether he could truly back that up?

 

I mentioned the law of attraction stuff because one of the big tenets of that school of thought is "you're always getting what you're feeling". Same concept as self-fulfilling prophecy. Feeling sad and blue? You get sadness everywhere. Feeling happy go lucky? The world feels like a playground. One of the only things we can control in life is how we feel about things. Anything that happens to you can be viewed as a positive or negative.

 

Negative spin on this situation: OMG he pulled away and is going to dump me! So then your attitude toward him shifts from warm and open, to cold and defensive.

 

Positive spin: He's taking some time to consider whether he can really go all in on this commitment, and that's caring and responsible. So then you could also take some time to consider whether this is what you want, or use the time to do anything that's good for you.

 

I think that at times like this, your fear of abandonment runs wild and completely takes you over. Then you do little and maybe big things to sabotage the relationship so you don't get hurt - the irony, of course, is that your sabotage does not protect you, but ensures you will be hurt.

 

For some reason, when I search on "Abraham Hicks you're always getting what you're feeling" on YouTube, it doesn't come up. But Google it and it's right there. Please have a listen.

 

I agree with you 100%, this is exactly my pattern, you've hit the nail on the head. This is why it felt so liberating to talk to him early on and let him know I've had this issue my whole life.

 

I am just trying to remain calm and go with the flow. It's a terrible feeling to not be able to relax and enjoy the possibility that things could be genuine between us. When I fall in love with someone I tend to feel some level of resentment, and I do sabotage because I panic. I haven't done this with him yet, even though I'm feeling overwhelmed inside.

 

I guess I'm feeling that if calling him out for being inconsiderate is going to change things between us, then it's not meant to be and that would be more his problem than mine if he can't handle being called out. I've been very patient with him otherwise.

 

If he is playing games with my heart, I'll know soon enough. He asked me to come over Saturday- so we'll see if he follows through on that and how that visit goes.

 

In the meantime, I am going back to work today, so I can throw myself into that and not have so much time alone with my thoughts.

 

I'll definitely google what you suggested when I get home tonight! I also think I may see my Doctor and ask to get in touch with a therapist again. I've found that has helped me in the past.

 

I appreciate the responses, I'll respond more when I get in from work later this evening.

 

Thank you for all of the support, it means a lot.

[Ruby Slippers]

I see quite a few examples here of what looks like you preparing to sabotage:

 

I've been with men before that go all in, in the beginning, then pull back. I feel like this is happening with this guy and I'm feeling so sick about it.

Here you are preparing for the worst, expecting the exact same results as before.

 

I'm not going to do anything rash. I just have this instinct that he's thinking about getting out.

Instinct - or fear?

 

If I can be completely honest, I feel like there is something this guy is not telling me. I've felt that all along.

This is worth exploring more. What has he done or not done to make you feel that way?

 

I lied and told him I was going to a cottage with friends until tonight so it didn't seem like I was moping around waiting for him.

Then you lie to make a better impression for him. You're afraid he's not telling the whole truth, yet you're the one lying.

 

He said we are fine, but I know in my heart something has changed.

I think that you saying you were disappointed in him for not cooking has brought things from the clouds down to earth. Now that whirlwind introductory phase is over, and things are getting real. You've shined a light on the fact that he's a real human being who is capable of falling short, and so are you. This is natural and happens in every relationship. You also told him it's not OK for him to continue with the same behavior - the behavior that you have accepted up to now. THAT is what has changed. YOU have changed by asking more for yourself. And I think he's considering whether he can deliver, or not.

 

He needs time to figure that out for himself. No one can make him do it. His motivation to honor his commitments to you, large and small, has to come from within.

 

Yes, unfortunately, If this doesn't work out, I'm pretty sure I will never open up to another man ever again. I feel like this was my last kick at the can.

 

I couldn't imagine ever opening up to another man ever again if this goes south. I've been burned pretty badly before- but this is going to kill me because I've exposed myself to him.

Really? You would let a bad experience ruin your heart from ever loving again? I certainly hope not. I think you're stronger than that. There's a great deal to learn from this relationship so far - and most of what you need to learn, as always, is about you and the decisions you've made along the way.

 

I'm definitely starting to feel like this guy could be a fake. He does tend to make a lot of promises and not follow through.

If this is true, why have you tolerated it? If you've been letting him fall through on promises all along, you're the one who's suddenly changed the game by now not letting him fall through on a promise. What has changed is that you are asking more for yourself, because it's what you really want. At first, you let the empty promises slide - but now you realize it's not OK. This is a good thing. It's a sign of LOVING YOURSELF.

 

I made a similar mistake in my last relationship - I let certain things slide early on because I was so crazy about him, thinking they would magically get better. Of course they didn't, and once I started demanding that they get better, things changed. I think this is a very common mistake that both men and women make when they feel really crazy about someone - we put up with more than we normally would because we're blinded by the euphoric feelings. This is a mistake I'll never make again. But I had to live it to truly get it.

 

I think the real reason you're freaking out is because you realize you've been putting up with things you shouldn't have because you so badly wanted the good things he was giving you. You're the one who's changed the rules of engagement here. And it's a good thing you did, because if you hadn't, you'd have to stand up for yourself eventually - and the longer you waited to do that, the harder it would be.

 

Him making promises and not following through is about him, not about you or his feelings for you. People's problems don't magically evaporate just because they're in love. In fact, it often takes real love to expose them and motivate the person to resolve them.

 

But you can't force this. He won't overnight become the guy who sticks to his word every time. He might be able to get better at it over time, but it won't be an overnight change.

 

If YOU really love HIM, you won't suddenly change the rules of engagement and then abandon HIM when he doesn't immediately adjust. I think you're asking yourself some tough questions now: Do you really love him, or do you love the feelings his attention is providing for you? Is this really the man you see yourself spending the rest of your life with, given his weak points?

 

You need to start accepting the possibility that he might never be able to be that guy who follows through on every commitment. He's been showing you this all along, as evidenced by your comment:

 

He does tend to make a lot of promises and not follow through.

 

That's who he is. And up to now, you've loved him in spite of it. Maybe he can change, but not necessarily. If he doesn't, you're going to have to decide whether you can accept that or not.

 

I'd like to see you spend more time envisioning and writing about good things ahead for yourself, no matter WHAT happens with this guy. You are very attached to a certain outcome (happily ever after with him), but you need to accept that this might not be the best outcome. Hopefully he will adapt and become more reliable - but that will take time and patience. If he isn't capable of changing, you'll have to decide if you want to live with a guy who promises he'll cook you dinner (or similar), but then falls through. You might not want that future for yourself, and in that case, your happily ever after will take another course - one that could be even better.

[Kamille]

Well I finally heard from him after his game tonight. The conversation was light and one sided. We avoided any chatter about why we didn't talk for two days. Something is definitely not right between us, I can feel it in my gut.

 

 

I have the same question as a poster above: who avoided chatter about not talking for two days? Since you didn't bring anything up, there is a possibility that he isn't even aware that the topic was avoided.

 

In other words, you've been in a bad headspace for the last two days but you cannot assume that he was too. His side of the conversation might have been genuine. He might not think there is any problem between the two of you.

 

 

 

 

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We're similar in how we distance ourselves when we get anxious. I have a secure-avoidant attachment style (psych theory). This means I struggle with asserting myself and this causes me anxiety. Instead of feeling secure in addressing issues when I fear abandonment, I distance myself and get anxious. You seem to fear abandonment more than I do, so you might have an ambivalent attachment style. See, my go to thought when I feel anxious is this: well, I was happy before meeting this person, so, if they abandon me, I know I will be happy again (that is typical of secure-avoidant styles).

 

What neither of us do is ask for what we need without fear of consequences. I'd rather detach than let my partner in on my anxieties, for fear that they might know something about me that they will hold against me. Truth is, if this guy is a narcissist, no amount of "appearing calm" will change that fact. If he is genuinely caring, he will be able to handle you saying, once you are both calm and reconnected : "Having the plans cancelled made me feel anxious". Better you find out now, no?

[Mrin]

Ya a I got to say the pretend proposal thing is just weird to me. Maybe it is a cultural thing (I'm a mountain west American dude).

[tuxedo cat]

I've only just read the first three pages but I feel that I've read enough.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, D-lish.

 

My advice: pull out now and divest. He doesn't sound like he's the guy he represented himself to be. This has nothing to do with you.

[tuxedo cat]

I'm definitely starting to feel like this guy could be a fake. He does tend to make a lot of promises and not follow through.

 

Something tells me that I set him off by telling him how disappointed I was that he promised me dinner and I came home to him lounging on the couch with a few beers in him like all was okay. He'd been home all day- and coming home and seeing that really made me think about how little he cared. I did call him out for that. and I told him I needed him to follow though when he promised me things.

 

I'm not sure if this sounds right or not, but I have this nagging feeling that his love for me is conditional on how I support his ego. Sort of like I buy into his view of himself (which is inflated)- and as long as I'm supporting that view- everything is right in his world.

 

I just feel sick right now, sort of foolish actually.

 

He's the type of guy that talks himself up a lot. I chalked it up to him bragging a bit- because lots of people do that to impress a new partner. However, some of the stuff he has claimed about himself have turned out to be greatly exaggerated.

 

I think it's over anyway, but I'm really thinking that if he does come around that I should end things.

 

You said he doesn't work. That's kind of a red flag in itself. Is he independently wealthy?

[tuxedo cat]

What was different with this guy is that I told him about all of my fears before we met. I came at him as an open book, something I've never done before.

 

I am wondering if he's starting to question if he can back up all of his promises.

 

I just want to know what's going on one way or the other. I can't ask him again what's going on because he's said twice that "we're fine". On the other hand it's been well over 24 hours since I last heard from him. There is nothing worse than not knowing what's going on.

 

I think this is a good learning experience for you. The answer to being too guarded is not to go to the opposite extreme and expose all of your vulnerabilities to somebody you barely know.

 

I realize that's tempting when you've been holding it in for so long, but it's not healthy and will usually backfire. You need to find a balance.

[writergal]

I think this is a good learning experience for you. The answer to being too guarded is not to go to the opposite extreme and expose all of your vulnerabilities to somebody you barely know.

 

I realize that's tempting when you've been holding it in for so long, but it's not healthy and will usually backfire. You need to find a balance.

 

+1! So true!

[tuxedo cat]

I think this guy is fully aware she's concerned and upset. I used to assume that guys were oblivious to their moods but every time in the past I've questioned a guy's erratic behavior and he claims I'm imagining it, he's later, sometimes weeks sometimes months, told me I was right. It can be infuriating when you let them convince you were sensitive or crazy at the time. Trust your instincts. You know and he knows. I advise that you do not ask him again for reassurance. You need to know that you've done nothing wrong.

[writergal]

I think this guy is fully aware she's concerned and upset. I used to assume that guys were oblivious to their moods but every time in the past I've questioned a guy's erratic behavior and he claims I'm imagining it, he's later, sometimes weeks sometimes months, told me I was right. It can be infuriating when you let them convince you were sensitive or crazy at the time. Trust your instincts. You know and he knows. I advise that you do not ask him again for reassurance. You need to know that you've done nothing wrong.

 

+1 again! Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt. Again I have to agree with you.

[D-Lish]

Well guys, I appreciate all of the responses. I've been working afternoons and I'm glad I've had work to keep me occupied.

 

I broke up with him. It was a decision of the head and not the heart, and it was the right decision even though it hurts like hell at the moment.

 

I love this guy to pieces, but he's not capable of reciprocating in the way I deserve. Our relationship was full of empty promises from his side. I gave my head a shake and decided I deserved better.

 

I know he wanted to invest, but wasn't/isn't capable. With him, it was like he was screaming at me "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you- but he was holding his arm out to stop me at the same time. It was a freaking roller coaster ride with this guy.

 

So it's done, and the coping begins. I'm pretty sad, because I've never opened up to anyone the way I have to him before- but it's the right call.

 

So the coping begins.

[CarrieT]

Sending you much-needed hugs, my darling...

 

I wish I could just take you in my arms and give you a bosomy hug to make the hurt all go away...

:(

[D-Lish]

Sending you much-needed hugs, my darling...

 

I wish I could just take you in my arms and give you a bosomy hug to make the hurt all go away...

:(

 

Thank you Carrie. I've gotten to that point in my life where I've realized that I'm going to cry, and I'm going to be distraught-but I'll still live, and I'll make it.

 

I know you've been where I'm at too.

 

I'm an adult, and I need to make decisions that benefit me- and I need to respect myself.

[tuxedo cat]

Well guys, I appreciate all of the responses. I've been working afternoons and I'm glad I've had work to keep me occupied.

 

I broke up with him. It was a decision of the head and not the heart, and it was the right decision even though it hurts like hell at the moment.

 

I love this guy to pieces, but he's not capable of reciprocating in the way I deserve. Our relationship was full of empty promises from his side. I gave my head a shake and decided I deserved better.

 

I know he wanted to invest, but wasn't/isn't capable. With him, it was like he was screaming at me "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you- but he was holding his arm out to stop me at the same time. It was a freaking roller coaster ride with this guy.

 

So it's done, and the coping begins. I'm pretty sad, because I've never opened up to anyone the way I have to him before- but it's the right call.

 

So the coping begins.

 

You made the right decision. I'm impressed; it couldn't have been easy. Did you ever give him a chance to explain (not that he deserved one, just curious).

 

You also sound like you're doing a bit better.

[Kamille]

As much as it hurts now, what you've done if affirm to yourself that you're going to pay attention to your own needs and your own feelings. You're a very strong person D.

 

Big hugs.

[writergal]

D-Lish I'm so proud of you for breaking up with this bozo. You did the right thing.

 

Sending you a virtual hug.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

D-Lish, I want to take your story and pass it out to every woman everywhere. I'll call it "THIS IS WHAT HEALTHY, SELF-RESPECTING WOMEN DO".

 

Many hugs and lots of love for you. Go out and buy yourself a nice bottle of wine and celebrate your awesome, strong, and right (albeit painful) choices.

[D-Lish]

You made the right decision. I'm impressed; it couldn't have been easy. Did you ever give him a chance to explain (not that he deserved one, just curious).

 

You also sound like you're doing a bit better.

 

We did have a talk, yes. He admitted he's a crappy boyfriend and is bad at having relationships and thinks he's meant to be alone. He said some of the happiest moments in his life happened while we were together and that he'll always have a special place in his heart for me. He said he loved me and that there is someone better for me out there...

 

The above is why he is such a walking contradiction. Always full of sentiment, but unable to follow through. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't think he is capable of commitment- and I finally realized that I deserve better no matter how much it hurt to do it.

 

I'm doing a little better, I've cried it out a lot, lol.

[D-Lish]

D-Lish, I want to take your story and pass it out to every woman everywhere. I'll call it "THIS IS WHAT HEALTHY, SELF-RESPECTING WOMEN DO".

 

Many hugs and lots of love for you. Go out and buy yourself a nice bottle of wine and celebrate your awesome, strong, and right (albeit painful) choices.

 

Thank you:). It's not easy, I'm pretty hurt, but yes- it needed to happen. I'd been taking care of his needs and just sitting back waiting for reciprocation that I finally realized was never going to come.

 

He told me a few weeks ago that I was the smartest girl he's ever dated- and that it intimidated him a little. I think he knew I was ultimately going to see through his façade and that was threatening to him.

 

He told me lots of things about himself that just started looking shady to me. I thought he was just bragging a bit to impress me a little- but the lies just seemed to get bigger and more ridiculous.

 

I did the right thing, even though it hurts a lot.

 

I'm glad I did some talking through it here, that helped a lot for me to make the decision.

[writergal]

I'm happy that you realize that you deserve better. That's important because next time, you'll be able to spot these commitment-phobe types before you allow yourself to get too emotionally attached. After you've dated a couple, you learn to recognize the signs which is why these lessons in love are so important, if not painful, considering they come at the expense of getting hurt to learn it. If that makes any sense?

 

Guys like him are hard to spot sometimes -- the walking contradictions. They talk the good talk, as you said, "full of sentiment," to reel you in emotionally, like a fishing lure all bright and shiny and attractive. But when you expect them to walk the talk, well, they show their true colors when they fall down and stumble, failing to follow through on any promise they make...from small to large ones.

 

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck then it is probably...a wooden duck that resembles the real thing. Sorry, couldn't resist tweaking that popular expression to fit my point.

 

I just hope you won't let this guy be the reason your heart is closed for maintenance . Your country is well populated with eligible men, who are capable of committing to a woman unlike this guy is (and who have a job and will contribute more equally to the relationship with you in the future). At least he admitted to you that he screwed up. That shows he has some self awareness but not enough to really care. If he knew he was meant for the consummate bachelor lifestyle as a semi-pro jock who prefers drinking beer on his couch to cooking dinner for his girlfriend, there'd be a different ending to your story.

[tuxedo cat]

We did have a talk, yes. He admitted he's a crappy boyfriend and is bad at having relationships and thinks he's meant to be alone. He said some of the happiest moments in his life happened while we were together and that he'll always have a special place in his heart for me. He said he loved me and that there is someone better for me out there...

 

The above is why he is such a walking contradiction. Always full of sentiment, but unable to follow through. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't think he is capable of commitment- and I finally realized that I deserve better no matter how much it hurt to do it.

 

I'm doing a little better, I've cried it out a lot, lol.

 

Glad to hear you're doing better.

 

At least he was honest with you and wasn't a dick on the way out. He validated your instincts. You can rest assured that you made the right decision for yourself and this will make you stronger.

 

I don't get it either because that emotional turnaround is foreign to me, but it's probably something programmed into a lot of men. Makes evolutionary sense: a fleeting feeling that not only tricks the guy into thinking he's in love long enough for him to procreate but also tricks the woman by making him act like a lovesick fool in her presence. I don't think most of these guys are putting on an act...they're just idiots.

 

My theory is these guys who proclaim undying love when they barely know you are volatile and impulsive individuals who have no core identity or ability to commit to a course of action. Their impulsivity is tied to a lack of executive functioning and conscience.

 

They can be intensely goal-oriented if it's a goal that promises immediate returns. For example, a narcissist may be an aggressive businessman because he gets another ego hit every time he closes a deal. But a relationship doesn't offer the same kind of rolling supply once the courtship is over.